Are You The Husband Allah Describes
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 13.36MB
This Khutbah was recorded on October 14th, 2016 in the Euless Masjid.
Muslims must meet two sets of responsibilities, says Nouman Ali Khan: responsibilities towards Allah and towards people. While our obligations to Allah are clear and simple, with the only possibility of wrong-doing falling on us, human relationships are much more complicated. But the two are not separate from each other; if you fail in your responsibilities towards people, then you have also failed before Allah.
Episode Transcript ©
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In our religion, there are two fundamental responsibilities that every human being owes. There's a responsibility we owe to Allah. And there's a responsibility or a set of responsibilities we owe to other people, that starts with your own family, different members of your family, and then beyond that to your neighbor. And beyond that to humanity at large. It's actually much easier to talk about what we owe Allah. Because what we owe ally is very clear, simple. And Allah azzawajal is always just unfair. So at least one side, there is no possibility of unfairness. And that's Allah. And so when the expectations are given from him, then there is absolutely no argument or ambiguity or lack
of clarity. However, when you talk about a relationship between people, for instance, the relationship between an employer and an employee, or the relationship between a parent and a child or a husband and a wife, or siblings or whatever else, when you talk about any of these relationships, there's a possibility that one or either side does something wrong. So here you are doing your part, you're fulfilling your responsibility, but the other side is not doing their part. They're not fulfilling their responsibility. And when that happens, it's a very common tendency for you to say, well, they don't do their part. Why should I do? My heart? So the relationships we have
with Allah, essentially, the relationship we have with the last century is very fundamental, very simple, very straightforward, actually, the only possibility of wrongdoing is on my end. And that's why we begin our relationship with him with the first law in human history. Now, while I'm not in full Santa Elena, but Alhamdulillah an akuna Minal ha, serene Master, we wronged ourselves. If you don't forgive us, and if you don't show us mercy, we're of the last. There's no possibility that Allah will do wrong, well, Nevada Muna. Well, I can kill you. And for Samia the moon, they didn't wrongest they were only wronging themselves. And Allah azzawajal never, you know, he doesn't do
volume, two people will not be lamella bead. On the other hand, though, like I was saying, in this introduction, people are complicated. And all the other relationships we have are complicated. The thing is, though, that these are very important. And these are things that we're going to be asked about before, when we stand in front of Allah, our relationship with Allah, when you fix that relationship, it creates a sense of responsibility to all your other relationships. In other words, what I'm trying to say is, if you are very good to Allah, but very bad to your parents, that actually means you're still very bad to Allah. Allah azza wa jal has given you responsibilities to
your parents, to your spouse, to your children, to your brother, to your sister to humanity. And if you don't fulfill those, then you have disregarded what Allah gave responsibility Allah gave you, right, so we have to actually fulfill those rights and those obligations to the best of our ability as well. But it's so hard to talk about, it's hard to talk about, because if I were to give this lecture about I just heard about the rights of parents, for example, there will be children in the audience. And there are young, you know, sons and daughters around the world that have been abused by their parents, that's a fact. There are parents that were not good parents, that is a reality.
And when they hear that lecture about how good you have to your parents, they say to themselves, wait, but they didn't do anything for me. What did they do? They actually even abused me there are parents that are physically abusive, emotionally abusive, there are people that parents that are spiritually abusive, there are all kinds of abuse that happens. And why did they get a blank check? And so when someone listens to one side, then they get upset? How come you didn't present the other side? Similarly, if I was to give the lecture today, the whole but today about the rights of the husband, that a lot of wives would be upset?
What about our side? Why should I give him all these rights? What has he done? And if I were to do this for the men and say, Well, these are the responsibilities that we have towards the women, then the men will be upset? Well, yeah, okay, fine. I have all the responsibilities, but she messes up all the time. And you don't say anything about that? What are we supposed to do? So you know, what happens in discussing any of these rights and responsibilities? There's always a chip on our shoulder, there's always this defense mechanism. Wait, are you going to balance this equation or what? So the first thing I wanted to address is that elephant in the room, today's football is
actually about the responsibilities of men. And that will in fact, make some men very upset. Because they're going to say, You didn't say anything about women. And check out my next book by here will be about women. So I'll make them upset as much, probably promise, you know, but the thing is, though, that there's a very natural, and I would even say, a tendency, inspired by a police himself, is that he makes us forget our responsibilities. And he makes us think all the time about our rights.
So when you are being reminded of your responsibilities, you say to yourself, Well, I don't get my rights. Why should I think about my responsibilities?
You're always concerned about your rights. And as a result, you are less concerned about your responsibilities. These two things are independent of each other. I know that's hard. I would be the first to admit that's a very difficult thing to do. To actually think only of your responsibilities and not think of your rights. You do have rights, but they are not rights that you only give when you're you know, or responsibilities you only fulfill when your rights are being met. It's not like that these are two independent things, especially when it comes to justice, especially when it comes to how we're going to stand in front of a large religion. So now what I wanted to start with is the
definition of a particular word that defines the relationship between husbands and wives out of the jar Luca Muna Allah Nyssa. The phrase are used in solitude Nyssa is that men are too warm over women. Men are cold, warm over women is very unusual word, the word cold warm, and that seems to be the foundation of how this unit is supposed to operate. And what men or women and how women are to react to men is captured in this in this one phrase, everything else it's a long Ayah everything else that follows in this ayah is actually in the shade of this one statement. So if this football is dedicated to that one statement really out to be Gianluca, Muna and aneesa and that really that
fundamental word kawaman. What does that mean for you and me, the word Kawan comes from the Arabic word Qian to stand and it has several implications one of the very fluid words of the Arabic language is a very powerful choice of Allah for this this word to be used. There are many other words you can use. But this word in particular, one of the things that makes it unique is that it shares its origin with one of the names of Allah to Allah His name in italic, we'll see Allahu La Ilaha Illa what how you can use the word Alka Yun is actually from the same origin as the word Kawan. Now I highlight that for a reason, I highlight that because when a last name is being used by
you, and we have to understand that name fully in all of its meanings, to appreciate the beauty of that name. And also that that word itself becomes now sacred. And to take some of its meanings away or to add meanings in there that are not there is rather blasphemous, because it's sacred, it's one from one of the names of Allah Himself derived from it is one of the names used for what we are supposed to emulate. Now, the first of them Nikita Julius tr means standing like not sitting, but from it is implied activity, like someone who's constantly engaged in something, someone who's never passive, someone who you know how there's, there's autopilot, or there's cruise control in your car,
right? Or there's a machine that can once you turn it on, it just runs on its own, it doesn't need to be constantly operated. That's not what we're talking about, we're talking about the exact opposite, something that doesn't function until you actively involve yourself, you cannot just press the on button and let it go. And this says this is actually very, it's kind of funny, but the way they explain this, in etymology, is by means of an ancient poem. There's a slave used to have slavery back in the day. So the slave is about to be sold. And as as he's about to be sold, he says, Please don't buy me. And he says, this statement by Andy, for his idea to, I've got to Coleman, what
You know, then he says, I'd love to know what it has done by me. Because if I'm hungry, I get really annoyed, I don't, I'm not active at all. I don't feel like doing anything. So you're not gonna get any work out of me. Especially when I'm hungry. And if I've eaten Well, I just love sleeping. So.
But when he says, I'm hungry, I'm not active at all use the word Coleman. And I'm suggesting here, what I'm trying to tell you here is the meanings of that word includes someone who's constantly active now that that's the first hint to myself and you about relationships. This relationship is not something that will carry itself, you'll have to actively maintain this relationship. There's something that the love between spouses is not something that just carries on, it has to be maintained and nurtured and flourished. It needs to be something that needs to come one needs to come back to, you cannot assume that it's there, it can dry up and it can fizzle fizzle away. The
assumption that something has been forgiven, or the hurt, the feelings of hurt are gone. that assumption does not the hurt doesn't go away on its own, you have to work on getting rid of it. You have to fix it. So there is an active role necessitated, you know, sometimes people are living under the same roof. They're not talking to each other for years, or not, not any real conversation. Anyway, how was dinner? How's work? How's traffic? Okay, I'm just gonna watch TV now.
And years go by and people actually haven't had any conversation. You haven't built any relationship at all. The only thing they share is a roof. That's all they share. That's not what men are supposed to do. And it's particularly difficult for men to be active in fostering a relationship because we're not much of a talker anyway. We like to just be passive. We like to just come home after a day work, sit on the couch, or on TV, or just get on her device and just
I don't want to talk. And she'll come and say, Hey, so how's your day? What's going on? Tell me how you're feeling. Can we do this later. I don't feel like this.
Now, we're not the ones that initiate, we have to be the ones that initiate. That's the first implication LTM 11pm also means commitment. That this is why I even call on
Willa mahkamah. Abdullah here, drew in McCann, karate was so difficult to come and stand and pray at the crowd because you could get beat up. And so someone when someone made the commitment to pray, despite all of the challenges ahead of them, the word pm was used for it. Similarly, the people of the cave were terrified to testify in front of the entire village, because they're gonna get slaughtered. If they testify that there's one God when everybody else worship was worshipped multiple gods. But if God move for you, it is as a move of God, as Mufasa would say, to make a commitment to commit to something, men have to commit to this relationship. And here, this is the
real reason I brought up this hold back, I'll give I'll go through these meanings rather quickly. And then get to the, the fundamental piece that I wanted to get to the I'm also mean about constancy. You have to end in from it actually comes the word given. And given is Nevada.
Actually, Nevada, who were a model who the pillar of a building is also it's given the thing that holds something together, and the one thing that maintains that you can rely on all the time, furniture can move inside of a house walls can move, pillars can't move. pillars have to be a constant, we have to be the constant in our families, for our women. They have to be we can't be fluctuating. Yesterday, you said this today, you're saying that Yesterday, you said this is okay. Today, it's not okay. You can't be fluctuating, you have to be constant. And that's one of the other implications of the word p one. And finally, one of my favorites, actually, from it comes the word
keema. Not the ones that they see eat. But keema is actually value, someone who shake that a man being a warm is actually responsible for letting his spouse know how valuable she is, he gives her value. He appreciates her, he acknowledges her, he lets her know that she's beautiful. And a lot of men actually do the opposite. Let her know how fat she is, how ugly she is, how short she is, how dark she is, how stressful she is, or whatever. And they'll do that constantly putting her down demeaning her value, you know, putting putting are insulting her intelligence call you You're such a horrible driver. You're so annoying, why can't you just take the normal right turn like everybody
else? You know, why are you in this lane? Why aren't you in that lane, constantly putting her down in some way or the other. And a column is someone who gives value instead of taking value away. Like if, if the spouse of the woman feels, you know, stupid when she's around her husband, when she feels ugly, when she's around her husband, when she feels valueless when she's around her husband, then he's not being a kilometer. This is what we have to be a warm. Now I wanted to highlight all of this in one particular context. And that is before we become better husbands and better. And by the way, the IRA is not just about husbands. It's Island, nessa it's actually this is the kind of thing we're
supposed to do for our mothers and sisters or daughters. It's actually broadened. And then it's made more specific about the spousal relationship. But the reason I was probed to bring this topic up as a whole, is because recently I've been engaged in quite a bit of travel. And what I do when I travel and I speak in different communities across this route, more recently was across the United States and somewhere in Europe, after a program is done, I spend a few hours just talking to people just people just come up to me and they asked me all kinds of questions or share concerns. And overwhelmingly, overwhelmingly, the women that came and spoke with me, spoke with me about how their
husbands are their good husbands. But they allow their her in laws to be abusive. In other words, they live joint family system or whatever it may be, or, you know, they're you know, the husband has his wife, but he also has his parents. And the parents are abusive to the wife, and she has to put up with it. And he says, I can't do anything better my parents, what do you want me to do? You know, I you, they're gonna say things to you, but you should just be patient. Because there I'll always side with my mother, I'll always side with my father, etc. What happens here is there are two lines that have been crossed. On the one hand as a husband, your responsibilities to your wife, you took
her from her family, you took her from the protection of her parents. She had a really she had a father. And his job was to make sure she stays happy, safe, she's not insulted or humiliated. She's protected from all forms of abuse, physical, emotional, spiritual, all kinds of abuse. That was the father's role. And when you sign that nigga, and when you said you agree, then all of those roles were shifted over to you.
Yours you're supposed to be as protective of her even more so actually, then her father was because your relationship with her actually even goes further. She's even the mother of your children.
There's there's more here and so you are suffering
To be a shield around her. At the same time, you are also a son, or son to your mother or son to your father. And this religion teaches us that we cannot even say off to our parents, you can't raise your voice to your parents at all. Now you are being pulled in two different directions, you have these enormous obligations to your spouse meetha. Condoleezza, the Quran calls it a heavy contract, a heavy agreement, it's not a light thing, marriage. And on the other hand, you have this enormous responsibility to your parents. And sometimes they make you pick which one you're going to be good to.
And your job is actually to draw a line and say, This is what I will do for my wife. This is what how I will take care of her. And this is how I will protect her. And to let your parents know you can say whatever you want to me.
You can beat me up, you curse me out. I'm your kid, you do whatever you want. That's fine. I'll take it. But you can't touch her. You can't say a word to her. She's not yours. She's not your responsibility. And she's not your child, especially the culture I come from, you know what they say when the girl is getting married? They say Oh, she's like our daughter. Oh, it's like we have a new daughter in the family. Be aware when you hear those words. These girls be thoroughly warned. Because when they she's like, she's like our daughter. Trouble is looming. Just a couple of weeks later, there's going to be commentary about how you didn't cook or you cooked, you know, with too
much salt or, you know, you're lazy or you didn't clean or stuff is gonna begin. No, no, no, no, no, the relationship between this woman and her husband's family, first and foremost, is a relationship of mutual respect.
She has to be treated with respect. And she has to treat with respect. When it comes to rights and obligations, she is under no obligation to obey your parents. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I feel sorry for you that you believe that for so long. But your your wife has no obligation to obey your parents. And if you are forcing her to obey your parents and serve your parents, you are engaged in an act of injustice. You're being abusive. You're not a problem. You're not a woman.
You were supposed to be taking care of her. You didn't bring a servant into the family. And you're not supposed to be giving her lectures about you have to be patient, their elder, they can say whatever they want. No, no, no, no, no, no. When even our family does something wrong. Allah commands us to stand up for justice. Even if it's you will follow Allah and fusi come away while eating while eating. Well, economy, you have to stand up for justice, even if it means you have to stand up against yourself. Meaning if you've done something wrong, you have to own up to it. And if your parents have done something wrong, you actually lovingly respectfully, head down humble voice,
you still have to let them know you can't do that, Mom. I'm sorry. You can't do that. Dad, That's not right. I'm not going to allow it. You're my dad. But those rights I will not allow you to trample because Allah will not be asking you a level be asking me whether I was going over my wife or not. If you cannot be that shield, then you are in violation What? What Allah expects from you as a husband.
That's that's very important to understand. We have situations in which by the way, as people are listening to this, like I said, in the beginning, I give that disclaimer, there are going to be in laws that are really, but you know, there are wives that are abusive to the laws. You didn't give them. You just give a hoot about how messed up we are. But what about them, they also throw shoes and do crazy things. Call them I will. But I can only do one thing at a time in a hobo
one at a time it's coming. But right now we have to deal with one problem. And by the way, one evil doesn't justify the other evil and one evil well they do it to is not a deflection or not a justification that you get to get away with the other wrong that's happening and you and I have to take stock in your own families. What's happening? Is this kind of wrong happening? Because if it is, then Allah will ask roussos Isilon says Heroku Heroku only the best of you are the ones that are best to their families. That this last bit that I wanted to share with you please take note of it there are there are three kinds of abuse that I want to highlight three kinds of abuse. The first of
them is the worst of them. What do you think it's the most worst? The worst of them is physical abuse? That is absolutely out of the question. And also the LA sallallahu wasallam outright. lotto boo boo Emma Allah Do not hit the female slaves of Allah
outright, do not hit the female slaves of Allah. Allah Allah messenger could have said that they wouldn't just don't hit women. Right don't hit women because the female slaves of a lot are women. But the power of those words is that you know when you sit when you call them female slaves, a women have a single sense of a
Law, then you their relationship fundamentally who owns them? A law does. And when you mess with someone else's property, like if you destroy my car, you haven't offended my car who have you offended? you offended me. If you came after my child, you haven't just insulted my child or abused my child, you've abused Who, me, I will come after you, you understand? If they are a lost property, and you hit them, who is coming after you?
A lie that totally blew him out Allah watch it, they belong to Allah. That's what the messenger says some of those and so physical abuse is absolutely out of the question. It is out of the question. And anybody who would like to argue otherwise, I'll stick around after Juma, I can talk to you about it.
The second kind of abuse is emotional. And emotional abuse could be verbal. It could be when the husband is not around the in laws come along and say By the way, you're just here for a little bit. We can get rid of you whenever we want. That's my son.
And when their husbands home, then how are you? You're so sweet. You're so good. And this girl is going crazy. Like when he's not around, they turned into the devil, and when he's around the turn into an angel, so when I try to tell my husband that they are crazy, he says, What are you talking about? They're so nice, you're crazy.
And this is a kind of emotional abuse, a husband and wife have to have a trusting relationship. They have to. And if you don't have trust, you have nothing. There's nothing there. This entirely This is not a blood relationship. Marriage is a contract, which means you agreed to share a life together. And that requires the utmost amount of trust. If you can't even trust what she's saying to you. If you think that she's lying to you all the time, then what makes this marriage a marriage is not there. It's not there. For you to say, I can't believe that. I can't believe that, Oh, well, you. If you can't believe it, then I don't know if you're in the right marriage. There's something
fundamentally wrong, something far deeper than just abuse. There's not even a trust left inside the marriage. emotional abuse is sometimes verbal.
And sometimes it's not even verbal. Sometimes it's the way you're looked at. Sometimes it's the way people sit around you. She comes into the room, they get up and walk away. They don't even turn their face this way. They change the tone of their voice. Sometimes even the way in which you say well, I likoma Sarah, she says Salaam Alaikum mother in law says he.
Or she doesn't say anything at all. That's a pretty abusive statement to not say anything at all. And then she can turn around and say, Monica, what did I say I didn't say anything.
That's emotional abuse. And it's unacceptable. The last of the abuse is though, is the scariest one to me. And that's spiritual abuse, when the wrong is done, and then the religion is quoted.
Allah says you have to be good to parents.
This is what Islam teaches you and they'll they'll do the wrong. And then they'll invoke Allah and his book, and His Messenger sallallahu Sallam who are completely innocent of this nonsense. And then that's that that's the religious or spiritual kind of blackmail and abuse that goes on in families. This needs to come to an end in your family, I'm only talking to the men right now, I'm not upset with parents, I'm not upset with, you know, with anybody else. I'm not even upset with you, but I'm just giving you and myself a reality check. Look, our our parents are not evil. They're not they were brought up in a certain culture, they were brought up in a certain environment, they have
certain norms that they've come to become used to. And some of those things are not right, but they don't realize that
they just do what they think in their mind is right. They're not nobody's purposely evil. They're not even though some women believe that about their in laws. Nobody's intentionally evil, everybody just thinks from a very different point of view, you, however, are in the middle, you're in the middle of two worlds that are pulling at you, and you're gonna have to just, you're gonna have to be the voice of reason and justice. And you know what that means, sometimes you're gonna have to take the side of your parents, and sometimes you're gonna have to take this out to your wife, because then nobody's always right.
And sometimes you will make a mistake too, and then you'll have to admit that you made a mistake, that's gonna have to happen to, which means the role that you are in this middle role that you're in is a very difficult one. And it's a role in which you will constantly be the object of criticism. Somebody will criticize you all the time.
Because whatever decision you make, upset someone, somebody will congratulations on being a man. That's what it comes with. That's the role you have to play out of the jar. Luca, Mona Lisa, congratulations. That's the rule of law has given us if you don't understand that, you feel like this AI is about this absolute authority Allah has given us and, you know, we get to do whatever we want with the women.
Under our authority, the word PR has nothing to do with authority. First of all, it has to do, like I said, with being active. And making sure that you, you constantly check yourself and make sure that the relationship remains healthy is commitment is constancy. It's from it comes the word is the karma, which means fairness, even Aladdin, one of the meanings of Mr. Karma is a model that a man should maintain fairness over it. One of my favorite meanings of it that I didn't even share with you is boom, from pm comes the word comb, which means our past,
men are supposed to be not only there for their women, in terms of caretaking and protection, they're supposed to give their women a sense of purpose and direction.
They're actually supposed to, in a sense, even be mentors to their wives, mentors to them advisors to them, this is what you should do, hey, let me help you fulfill this goal or that goal? How many times there are there, especially in abusive family situations, there are women that used to have goals, I want to I want to start an orphanage, I want to do this, I want to write a book, I want to do that. And they don't get to do any of it. who's supposed to encourage them and open up that door for them? And say, yeah, you should do it. I know you make a mean, pinata. But you can also write a book, you should, you should work on that, who was supposed to encourage them to do that. That was
supposed to be the husband. He was supposed to open that door. So I pray that Allah azza wa jal gives us and our children the ability to be raised mentally escalon. And the abuse that is happening inside of our families that were the were the reason that it comes to an end, I'm not giving this code, but that you go home and you start fights. That's not why I gave this code. But I didn't, ladies, I did not give this code buster, you go say, Hey, watch this video. Don't do that. That is not why I give this code but it's for men to do an introspection of themselves. That is part of the selfishness that we have now, you know, adopted, everybody hears a football or a lecture or a talk,
and they think well, this will be really good for my rights.
Everybody should be thinking this will be good for my responsibilities. Don't become selfish in this religion. This religion is about you serving Allah, first and foremost. So we just take stock of ourselves. And when you do go back and try to implement some of these things, even implement them with mercy, even if your parents are doing wrong, and you're correcting them, you're not a police officer and you're not a judge, you're a son still, even if you're going to correct them, you're going to correct them with love and mercy and care. You're going to be tactful and careful about it. You know? And so May Allah azza wa jal give us that delicacy, so that we can really truly fulfill
the words of the Prophet salallahu alaihe Salam hydrocone hydrocone and he wanna Holloman complete it the best of you are the best of their families. And he didn't say the best of you are the best of good families. Even if you have a messed up family, you still have to do your best. Right? And I'm the best of you to my family allows me to make us better and better families and make us do right by our families. barakallahu li walakum filco Hakeem when a family we are coming out with Kim salamati
hamdu lillahi wa salatu wa salam O Allah regarding Latina Safa Susana Abdullah Mohammed bin Mohammed in a meanwhile Allah Allah He was a huge pain and a lot more as always and 50 w Karim brother and a Buddha Allah will let him initiate one regime in Allah Allah. Allah Allah Allah Nabi Yeah, you Hello Xena amanu sallu alayhi wa sallam Taslima Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed
Ibrahim Ali Ibrahim al al amin in the Gambia Majeed Allahumma barik Allah Muhammad Ali Mohammed
Ibrahim Ali Ibrahim al al amin in Dhaka Hamid Majid Riba de la la la como la de la ilaha illa de la San Benito Koba Sasha evil mooncup well adekola Akbar Allahu Allah Mata snarling Sala in the Salah. takealot Mini Nikita makuta