Secrets to a Succesful Marriage
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Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
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hamdulillahi rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi edge marine or other coolamon to be our home be sir in Hida humid de la Houma aluminum ion foreigner when the foreigner be Marlon Tana was in our Elma.
Subhanallah Houma Allah,
Allah materna in the country Lollywood Hakeem Allahumma Edina Nakamura zoeken Atiba. Toledo, Toledo moussaka, Shinobu Robert, especially his brothers and sisters listening to Salam or aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
Hamdulillah we thank Allah subhanaw taala
it's a privilege for me to be here in this city town, whatever it is of Oldham Hamdulillah.
I would like to
thank the organizers
for inviting me compass Learning Center,
about which I just found out
the details and activities
that are taking place here. May Allah subhanaw taala accept the efforts of all the people in charge the scholars, the Allamah, who are running the center and all the different facilities that are providing, including the matrimonial
facility in sha Allah as well, which as it started, Are you launching it, launching it is
now the reward all of you as well for coming here this evening.
Saturday evening, you could have been doing something not outside because it's snowing, of course, but maybe at home watching some football, but under the law, marriage is more important than watching football.
Because one of the complaints that lots of wives have is that
whenever there's football, he has no time for me
is too busy watching football.
So hamdulillah at least you've come here and you want to learn about Deen we don't have too much time Inshallah, I want to talk about some very important points
relating to
marriage, I think the title was steps to attaining success in marriage or something like that.
But first of all, the first point I want you to realize and there's lots of people hear my Chava I've seen faces, younger faces, and slightly older faces and would say things may Allah subhanaw taala grant me the trophy, to say things which are beneficial for all of us for whatever age we are at.
If some of the things you already know that insha Allah is just a reminder.
And if
it's new then inshallah we learn and we take it on we implemented in our life.
Some of you are already married, I'm sure I can see a lot of faces, which I presume they are married faces.
Some of you are not married.
If somebody was to ask me, what is the most difficult thing ever in a person's life?
The greatest
Would ya
what the greatest let's just use the word J word jihad. Yes, Jihad has different meanings.
The greatest struggle in life from an Islamic point of view, as well as just generally from a life point of view, what is the most difficult thing
and not just ask me ask any any of the Imams ask them are not forgetting moms ask all the married people on planet earth.
What is the most difficult thing in life for you?
That doesn't mean that they're hating their marriages.
But what is the most difficult thing in life?
Most of them would say maintaining a good healthy prosperous marriage and it is very difficult. The problem is that young people before they get married they don't realize how difficult how important how significant how a challenge marriages until they get married and then they realize and scratch their head Whoa, I didn't realize it was actually supposed to be like this. I was just thinking when I got married in the bedroom and then hotel and then honeymoon and then you know, I'd say this is all just you know lovey dovey things that romance and will be just, you know, walking under the stars and maybe looking at the stars and you know, we'll be just talking about love all day long.
Now, there's nappies changing and there's table Sainsbury's and there's Tescos and then someone's one meeting and the child here needs to go school and there's electricity bill in the House renting and buying and and then the second child has come in the third one's come and then someone's you know, you wake up in the morning and one screaming from upstairs I finished I finished come on wash me and then the other one downstairs. You know, she's just dropped all the milk, you know the cereal?
and you're running there and some was running off to school and it's a struggle.
It's a struggle. I don't want to put you off marriage, okay, I don't want to do that.
But this is why this is why there is so much reward.
There is so much reward in Marie. If you look at all the various Hadith of the messenger, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, there are so many Hadith that talk about the philosophy of the virtues, the benefits and the virtues of marriage.
Or a Brahmin, Sudan and mousseline for things from the Sunnah of all the prophets. So nonattainment, the the messenger sallallahu alayhi salam said, for things from the Sunnah all the prophets, one of the four things is a nigger marriage. And there's just so many Hadith that talk about
the benefit and the virtues of marriage. There's so much reward. Now I remember once I was teaching a course on marriage, and I was going through the Hadith of the virtues of marriage, the rewards on marrying
a brother from the audience, he put his hand up, he said, I have a question. I said, go ahead.
I was just thinking, when you are describing and relating and explaining all this hadith about the virtues that Allah of marriage, a thought came to my mind that when I look at Islam and all the rules of Islam, everything
looks like difficult in order to attain the pleasure of Allah in order to attain Jannah obtain the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala. Everything if I look at all the acts of Islam, they all seem difficult, and that's right. That's actually in the Hadith, that the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Who would you met in Nairobi Shahar? What would you be to janitorial McCurry Jana? Paradise is veiled with difficult things, apparently difficult things magari so waking up for Fajr Salah is difficult fasting in Ramadan hij staying away from sins, apparently difficult things in order to enter Jannah
there are difficult things I remember when I say difficult it's just difficult in the beginning. Those people then who become accustomed to worshiping Allah and practicing the then they find pleasure in the deen itself, but it's apparently from the outset. Initially, in the beginning, it seems difficult. So the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Would you go to the Jannah to mockery, or fragility no bisha Hawa and Jahannam Hellfire is veiled with apparently pleasurable things again, apparently. So apparently Zina apparently not offering Salah apparently stealing apparently you know all the Haram activities that apparently pleasurable, but remember again
apparently as those people who indulge themselves in these haram activities they might get an omelet momentary like type of pleasure but deep inside they themselves in their heart state there's no peace there's no tranquility they don't find the sweetness of life and tranquility. That's another topic. So but the Hadith says apparently that the Haram things take you to hellfire. So the pleasurable things I'll give you an example somebody might say to themselves, why didn't Allah make it the opposite way?
All the things that you want to do you know all the apparently pleasurable things take your agenda and all the
you know all the apparently pleasurable things take you to Jana and all the difficult things take you to hellfire. Allah could have done that. Are you understanding, are you with me?
But that's the Sunnah. That's the way Allah has made this world, even in worldly activities. Look, if you go, if you if you go to a dietitian,
and you said you go to him and say to him that look, I want
to go on a diet. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. Can you prescribe for me? A diet? What should I eat? I want to be healthy. What will you say?
Burgers, don't cover up. crisps, fizzy drinks, chocolates, cakes, pizzas, as much as you can. As many sweets as you can't use you will be very healthy. If you want to be unhealthy, then eat fruits and vegetables and then this that's unhealthy.
That's the way it is in the world as well. If you want something, you have to take the difficult path.
If you want to be healthy, then you have to strive against yourself and you need to eat that which you don't really want to eat. But then that makes you healthy and the things that we want to eat Donald kabobs and burgers and all the unhealthy junk food that we love eating
that food makes us unhealthy. So this is the Sunnah of the way of Allah subhanaw taala in all aspects of life. So even in Islam, all the apparently difficult things takes us to Jannah and apparently pleasurable things takes us to hellfire. So anyway, I was saying that this brother asked a question he said when I'm listening to you talking about all the rewards for marriage and for Nikka you receive this reward and that reward
It seems to me that in everything in Islam, all the difficult things that take you to Jannah, but there's only one exception to that. So the all the rewards you get for Salah and fasting, like everything that takes you to Jannah and gets you a lot of reward from Allah are all difficult things. But from what you're saying there's one thing Nikka marriage, that it's part of the pleasurable things. But it takes you to Jannah. And it's not like the pleasurable thing that takes you to hellfire. I said, your question is right, and how you've understood everything is fine. But then I said to him, Brother, can I ask you a question before I answer? He said, Yes. I said, Are you
married? said no. That's why you're asking the question.
When you get married after two years, let's see if you say the same thing. That it's a very, you know, apparently easy thing to do. And that takes you to Jana. Because there is it is more easy to pray five time prayers. It is easy to worship Allah all night long, it is easier, sorry, easier to offer Tahajjud prayer and pm later, it is easier to fast all day long until 930. In summer, it is easier to perform hajj, it is easier to stay away from sins, then maintain a prosperous long term blissful marriage life. And I honestly say this, you can ask a lot of the other alimony moms as well throughout the country and here and everywhere. What is the topic? Or what type? What question do
they receive the most? I've been answering questions for the past 1516 years. People asked me what, what issue do you receive the most questions. I don't have to think twice.
On a weekly basis. There's about 20 issues made or phone or email or whatever. marriage problems and divorce 20. That's just me. Imagine every person receiving 20 Every mom everywhere
15 to 20, on average,
people are coming with marriage problems. To the point that now it seems that no marriage is surviving.
Until people have done surveys as well. It's actually better here in the UK, than if you go to North America. I've been to North America many, many, many, many times. When I say North America, Canada and America. Whatever happens there happens here later, but down there. I remember I've toured the marriage cost there like good six, seven times different places. We did some survey and research there. And one of the brothers who did some survey said that time this was about six, seven years ago.
That one in every three Muslim marriages end in divorce. And now I think it's probably one in every two to 50% of marriages end up in divorce, hardly any marriages and surviving hardly.
What's the reason? What are the reasons and that's what I want to talk about in the next few minutes.
I want to encourage people to marry of course, but before you get married look at these reasons.
This is a family system system of family life. But Allah subhanaw taala has given to us in the Quran. Allah's Messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam in the Sunnah both practically and verbally. That's why there is so much emphasis on social rulings on Islam there is so much emphasis on more Asha, which is a branch of the teachings of Islam or Oshana means social laws, not just marriage, but social laws. You know, Islam is not just restricted to just worship and prayer and fasting and Zakat and hedge. If you look in the Quran, there's so much emphasis and detail regarding social news in the hadith is filled with these social rulings.
If you look in the Quran, we don't even find details Allah subhanaw taala in the Quran does not even go into the details of Salah you know we offer three Ricardo that right now
there's no way in the Quran three Ricardo
Do you know that? There's no way
that's why when people say give me I have the Quran that said I believe in only in the Quran. If you only believe in the Quran, you will have nothing left from Islam nothing. There's no way in the Quran. All five prayers how many rock out there just about I think Aisha has been mentioned
soldier in the Quran Al Fajr and there's another place Fajr has just been mentioned and Orisha has been mentioned and also has been alluded to Salatu was spa and that's about it just the name nowhere in the Quran. That's what we have the Sunnah, which is a commentary of the Quran its explanation of the book of Allah subhanaw taala without the Sunnah of the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam, you have nothing left from Islam, and Allah left it to the messenger salAllahu alayhi wa salam to explain the Quran otherwise if everything was written, the Quran will have like 48 volumes of the Quran. We just about
read one chapter one volume of the Quran 800 Whatever 1000 pages they are. Otherwise you'd have 48
different volumes, I was never able to complete a recitation of the Quran. So the Quran gives just pointers and highlights and just bullet points. All the commentary is in the Hadith, and Hadith and Sunnah is so fast. Do you know how many Hadith hundreds and 1000s to so many Hadith is just books of Hadith? So he'll Bihar is not the only book. That's one of hundreds and 1000s of different books that have been compiled on the shoulder of the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam.
You know, recently there were there's some scholars who in Pakistan under the supervision of money for the Allah that started an initiative to compile this for some of the students who have studied and some of them started to compile I'm sure you've probably heard of this, all the Hadith that are in existence on planet Earth, into one compilation called El Moussa, every single Hadith you know, this thing has, I know, I've just gone off topic on that topic. But this thing has never been done ever. In the history of Islam since the time of the messenger Salallahu Alaihe. Salam, till today, we have lived the tongue of the Sahaba, who in third century, fourth century more Paris time during
this time, Abu Dhabi, it's time none of us at this time, all the people in the Salah Imam know we all the great great scholars, Imam su two euro himolla great scholar who wanted to do every work on planet earth that he could do. He started compiling, he wanted to compile like a good collection of like every Hadith in one place, he passed away halfway through doing his job as well, that book is not in existence anymore. Some people here or Jim OLFA, wide and number, and this and that. And people try to view things here and there. Nobody could do it. Hopefully this will complete. But this is a team of like 2012 scholars under the supervision of Douglas Murray, who checks and verifies
every single Hadith that they are gathering into one compilation 910 books of Hadith. Those that are published and many of them are not published all the Hadith in one compilation to one volume has come out sacraments coming out soon. That compilation they say it's going to be like 40 to 50 volumes. So every single Hadith beginning to end into 5040 volumes, the Encyclopedia of Hadith collection in one place, and all of them will be given numbers. So this is number one, one a one b one c one d one, e two, three, and they want people to refer to this hadith like we refer to the ayat of the Quran right now. Anyone says in the world surah number such and such is a number such
and such whether you're in Somalia, or whether you in Boca or whether you're in Kaladesh or you're in Japan, everyone knows this one I have the Quran like that every Hadith will have a universal number that anyone who wants to refer to it you just say that and you know which Hadith we're talking about. So anyway, this hadith compilation is massive. So anyway, so much emphasis given in the Hadith I was saying in the Quran, Allah subhanaw taala mentions bullet points doesn't go into detail.
Maghrib Salah has just not even been mentioned in that this three rockhard but when it comes to social rules when it comes to martial law when it comes to communal laws, how to live with one another how to cheat people around you. Allah subhanaw taala in the Quran goes into detail talks about business transactions, the longest verse in the Quran is about credit transaction
in Surah Baqarah it's called Ayatollah Medina, you and Adina harmony with the entertaining illegitimate summon factor Whoo. Well, you have to pay no concatenation Bill added Allah tells us right when you take a loan, he talks about Mahara dowry and divorce even if there's divorce, how should the divorce takes place take place Allah mentions that in the Quran
for him Sercombe my roof of the three Hungria Hassan when you if you have to go to a divorce, if a marriage has to end Allah says material Hoonah give them a small gift, which is called Muhtar. People have heard of Moto others that one motor but there's another meaning of mudra which means giving a small gift. At the time of divorce. The Quran is telling us the same Quran that doesn't tell us three records of Maghrib leaves it to the Sunnah, the same Quran tells us you know what if you have to go for a divorce, and this is how you do divorce and make sure it's amicable and don't become lifelong enemies and don't stop pointing fingers at one another and don't blame each other's
families. And don't blame each other on Yeah, he was very good actually was his mother. She was very good to actually you know, the father You know, he spoiled it. Everyone needs to blame somebody the Quran is telling us don't do that just live amicably just move on. There's no need to fight until you die. You know this marriage should have been death do us part this is like now, fighting quarreling till death do us part until
the rest of your life people are going to fight. So the Quran is telling us how to divorce
And the Quran told us give them a small gift the man it is Mr. have recommended to give a small gift to the wife which will become an ex wife in the spirit to tell her that you know what? We tried this marriage didn't work. Good luck for the future. Here's a small gift in sha Allah. May Allah give you a good prosperous future life you didn't walk up to me and you hopefully you get a good husband better than me and move on and she says to him, I wasn't good enough or I was but it just didn't work. May Allah give you a good wife and it works out with her and you know, forgive and forget and inshallah Good luck for the future slam Annika. That's how a divorce should be done. And if children
are involved no problem all amicable you visit Ibiza, you take one of the greatest problems in our communities right now is when children are involved in divorces. People take out the anger and wrath on the children. When I say children, they don't think they're taking the wrath out on children. They try to they think that they are worth fighting the ex. Oh, don't let my son see the Father. One of the greatest harms and sins that any human being can do is deprive their children from visiting their father or mother. There's nothing greater. I mean, there's lots of harms. But one of the greatest harms you can do. It's a massive crime. People are so called practicing. Apparently they
pray 510 prayers. They come from a religious background. She's wearing a new carbon hijab, and doesn't let the ex see. Just because you know, she takes it out against him that you can't see No, I'm not gonna let you see all your Salah and everything's going down the drain system. This is you can't commit a worst crime than this massive sin. I wrote about this quite a few times. It's absolutely haram to deprive connection between a father and children or mother, it could be a father, son, whoever it is. Your problems are your problems.
You you're actually not doing injustice to your ex you actually make doing volume and oppression on your own children. They might say no, no, I don't want to see dad and you brainwash them, number one. Number two, they're too young to make that decision. Number three, every child needs a father and a mother. That's what Allah made mother and father Otherwise Allah would have just made father and father like, nowadays people want just father and father.
To get what I'm saying.
Nowadays people don't just mother and Mother and Father Father, Akina is going against the natural fitrah
every child needs to grow up because a man father is different to a woman mother is different. Motherhood is different to fatherhood, there's masculinity and fatherhood, there's femininity in motherhood. Two different types of you know, there are two different genders and a child growing up a daughter growing up needs protection of the father needs the love and concern of the mother a boy growing up needs a father and mother everyone needs a father and a mother. And this is why half the people today are
Muslim and non Muslim. They're away from whatever track they were on when they were young. Reason being drug abuse and all of this major reason 80% of the reason the problem is because of twin families because mother and father are separated because of coming from broken families. You look at all the crime rates whenever you're looking at do survey of all the people who are involved in crime and young children who have no purpose in life and nothing gets they come from broken families.
I'm not saying all the time divorces a problem sometimes if you have a divorce and do it amicably and have both parents who will give their attention and have give the
care and attention to the children.
So this Quran even tells us how to go through a divorce. The same Quran doesn't tell us about Mother of Salah is telling us give them a small gift. It's called Muhtar a small gift. And I'll tell you this, this gift is like you know why this gift is now when you get married, what do you do?
What's similar to that? Not a dowry. In other words, a marriage should end with a gift. A marriage should if it ends then should end with a gift. Muhammad in the beginning mutrah At the end,
even though Mahad is wajib and motorized mazahub It's not necessary but
still this is what Islam says then if you want to start a marriage, marriage is a gift and remember that also, myrrh is not a payment. It's not new security. It's not your finance store your finance company mod is a small gift.
It's a welcome gift. The man says to the woman that you know what they were 400 million billion people you could have chosen but thanks for choosing me and coming into my house. Here's a welcome pack. You know when you start something you join some company welcome pack. This is your welcome pack. There's a welcome pack cost 5 billion pounds 50,000 pounds 40,000 pounds. No, it's a welcome pack. It's not your security is not paying for your gun and you
Know Your janazah and it's not paying for your lifelong you know living in the world. No, that's when you get married that will be enough aka that will be financial support. Mahara has to be basic and this is why this is another problem.
Fixing excessive amounts of dowry is also wrong in Islam Sidra amarapura Hapa the barber who used to say I learned how to how to set up attorneys
beware do not fix high amounts of dowries for women, for inner Hello Kurama chromatin and Allah, the current owner can be harder Sue Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam if fixing and stipulating. high amounts of Mahara and dowry was something considered noble, then the person most rightful of this would have been your messenger said Allah.
But Allah his Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not fix height dowries that's what we have Mara Fatima which is a sunnah no matter Fatima is not the only sunder Maha Fatima is the MaHA which was given by who see, you know, how do you innovate Pollack Karim Allahu Bucha, the son in law of the messenger sallallahu alayhi. Salam given to who to his daughter.
But there's also actually when he's called to say that proper sadhana is the model that the messengers of Allah for listening himself gave. That's cool Maha assuaging Nabi SallAllahu, and you send the dowry given to the wives of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, but they're very similar small amount of dowry. It's not a massive amount of dowry.
And remember, anything besides dowry is actually sinful. I mean, not giving sinful you can't give gifts but anything made a condition. Anything made a stipulation, a condition besides dowry. Mahara is sinful
you won't get married until you don't give this besides ma that's Haram is considered to be bribery in Islam. In Islam, when two people get married, the MaHA dowry is only from the man to the woman the woman's family does not have to give anything not even a piece of paper if they want to hamdulillah if you make it a condition you expected you demand it you are committing haram there is no concept of
the you know the woman side giving some dowry what is what is this like woman's I've heard some some communities like the woman's side have to have to give dowry
if it's expected if it's not expected demanded, they just wanted to on their own code, find out the law like anyone gives you a gift. You weren't expecting it. But if you demanded and expected and it becomes part of the culture, then it becomes Haram is considered to be ritual and bribery. So anyway, going back to this, that there in the Quran, Allah subhanaw taala doesn't go into a lot of detail, but mentions marriage virtues of marriage, because marriage is very, very difficult. Many divorces take place. And I will just mentioned two three points in that I will end one of the main reasons how to maintain this marriage and avoid divorces and divorces still can happen. It doesn't
mean that if someone practices on Islam and practices, all the different steps that divorce will never happen and can still happen. Sometimes it can happen to like two of the most complete people ever on planet Earth. It's sometimes there's just no chemistry, it just doesn't work out. But
these are some steps. And the first and the foremost is this reason, which is very, very important.
Which many of us sometimes overlook.
And it's something that we all know about. When we get married what happens
we need to understand we should you know people should learn about marriage the courses you should have a course in marriage. We've attended many nigger ceremonies. Lots of people don't even know what's going on what's happening. That Imam is doing something and someone's reading something and it's all hamdulillah
like it's all done okay, it's finished done. What happened? Who said what what why What did you read? What did you recite? Why did you decide this?
Everyone should understand you know, this is a part this is another issue in Islam that will we we become cultural Muslims we are raised as Muslims when we hear certain things and phrases all our life, we don't really know what they are. We don't pay attention to them what they mean why are we seeing them? Why when we say in them, what is the meaning behind this?
You shall know each other Chava Could you come in tomorrow, bro? Yeah, inshallah Chava was a Chinese cha cha, German Chava. What is inshallah you have to say it with the thought and the mind.
In sha, Allah. This is huge, a massive statement.
If only Allah wills when you say this, you should have all sorts of thoughts in your minds, in your mind, should think this world. Everything's in the power. It's in the corner of Allah. I said, I will meet you at five. I will do everything.
In my capability capacity to come and meet you at five, but
this there are many things that could go wrong I could die before then I could you know, have an accident Allah forbid, may Allah not let that happen all these things everything's in a power and control of Allah with that intention you say in sha Allah I
think every part of Islam which we should learn these Arabic terms someone passes away somewhere in Allah we know Rajon everyone on Facebook posts someone passed away in our God not only what you what what happened in Allah when Allah what is it? In the LA he were in LA he Roger Stone This is a huge statement Allah says Allah Renae, the Asaba, Tamil Ceiba all of this is not only for when someone dies, any calamity, any hardship, any difficulty that befalls you in life, we say in the lie, think ponder, we belong to Allah. So this means this test this trial, this difficulty, this hardship, this problem, this someone passing away, this jump, going wrong.
We belong to Allah, He is the one testing us, he controls us. He has all right. To test us, we belong to him, he can do whatever he wants, we belong to him. He can take us away. Allah is the one we belong to Him.
When we realize we belong to him, and we have love for him, you know, sometimes when you have enough for somebody, even the test becomes easy.
Again, going back to marriage, and I'm coming to marriage, no, I'm just going, I'm coming back to it, don't worry. But you know, when sometimes your husband wife, there's two people romance, even even a pinch from your wife feels pleasurable,
has to be well imagine a tickling you punch you your wife punches you, not the husband, yeah, just make sure don't punch it too much. But if you you know, not too much, just don't punch her sorry.
But when when people are in romantic love than even a bit of like, difficulty, hardship, feels pleasurable. When we have this extreme love for Allah, then our illness becomes pleasurable, our tests become pleasurable. It is.
It's not my enemy who's giving me this illness. My hands are hurting, my head's hurting. But you know what this is, Allah has given me this. So you think, oh, let's just do it. So it's my beloved, is just testing these abilities in your base right now he loves me, I know. He's just doing this for my own favor. When you have this connection with Allah, that every hardship becomes pleasurable, it will be basically, physically it will be painful, but intellectually you will be what you will be content. That's what they say, Aculon you will be content, but physically, you will feel the pain. So this is what the law means in the law, we belong to Allah.
So and also part of this way in Allah is that we belong to Allah.
So he has a right to test us. And then we're in in a you're on your own, and we shall be here soon, very soon returning to him. So the test is very short.
Someone's passed away. It's very short, I'm going to pass away this problem in life. It's very short life is 2030 years. Why be sad about a situation life is very short. We're in a garage. This is the type of mentality we should have with everything in life. You know, that's why when you teach children to hours, teach them the meanings.
When they wake up in the morning, not just lip service. Read, what you read in why you're reading what's the meaning Alhamdulillah the hyaena Bioderma Turner will lay in new shoes, give them the translation when they're four years old, when they're three years old, when they're five years old, when you go into the toilet
when you come out for Radek Alhamdulillah Allah the hubba and in other words are funny if he's five years old
all thanks for like missing my son's translation which I told him when he was five he still says this I said you need to do proper translation now is not enough but he just turning nine into three days. But I said now you need to do the proper translation but he says no select that when I was a five year old translation. Well Allah Thank you. Oh, you know, you know, taking me to the toilet and everything came up from my tummy because if it if it didn't come up from my tummy or get ill and go to the hospital, my daddy would have sent me to hospital. But that's a metaphorical explanatory translation of the DUA.
Alhamdulillah Hilah, the other herbal angle other are funny. Every dollar with food with deliberation with reflection with ponder every aspect of life read the Quran like that. When you do a Nikka Hana marriage, what is the Imam
saying, the Imam should actually explain to the people. You know what I'm going to do right now is I'm going to do an ICA tell the audience you're already in Islam you don't even need an imam really. It's not like a Baptist church or something where the priest has to, you don't need Nygaard takes place can take place in six seconds, five seconds. I give myself to you in marriage, I accept your marriage took four seconds, two witnesses. And that's it. That's because everything else is so no Mr. Hubbard recommended around it.
The quicker you know, as quick as the guy has done, that's as quick as divorce is done as well. He says I've given you divorce. I have given you a divorce three times harass, finish. And it's actually shorter. Because here, there's two statements when he got I give myself two in marriage, I accept two in marriage that took about four seconds. I given you three divorces that took two seconds, two seconds to divorce and four seconds to marry.
People like you thinking about their marriage and planning for 10 years and you will get married. And then I'm going to do this and I'm going to buy this. I'm going to do this and take money from here and then I'm going to take loans from this place and my marriage has to be the most unique on planet Earth because nobody else marries in the world except me. You know, I'm just a special attention seeker on planet Earth. So that's it. Mine has to be the absolute unique marriage that nobody ever has this kind of marriage just got on with it. Everyone gets married. Millions of people die every day. Millions of people are born every day millions of people get married. It's not the
only person that's married on planet Earth. So this Nikka what is it what happens the Imam he is actually reciting what is sunnah he recites and he says he recites a quarterback, this Caldwell's called Hot Buttered Hajah
which is not restricted for Nica. This hotbar is to be recited for anything important even before talks and lectures and already a lot of the Joomla hautbois or Imams when they are more when they give talks. They recite this hotbar I normally I didn't do it today it's a longer one. But normally I do have the habit, which is a very important HOPWA Alhamdulillah inamoto who want to start you don't want to stop through one minute but you want to talk until the end. The messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam will recite the hotbar and then after that, he will recite three verses
three verses from the Quran. All these three verses do not have any mention of the word Nikka in them, no mention of the word Z watching them or marriage in them or husband in them or wife in them or doubting them or divorcing them or nothing.
Three ayat he will recite
your oneness Takuro, Bakula? Holla Paco menacing wider wahala Permin huzzah Jehovah seminoma dijeron cathedra Manisa what doc Allah Allah DITA Aluna behavioral arhaan in Allah Karnataka Marathi via
the other one
you hola Dena Amruta Allahu La coding sadita And your Larina Amaroo taco la haka taco Ducati when other Mutanda 11 Muslim when I won't translate all of them but what all three verses have something in common? What's in common?
It the hula, taqwa what is the four times mentioned in one versus twice what does Allah Lidija own and he went to rehab. And we're all to Holland said either fear Allah and say that which is correct, you know, say good things with your tongue. And then the third verse three verses four times it toppled Lord
with translators, fear of law but really, we can't really translate the word Taqwa. It's very difficult. Taqwa is much more than that actually our whole life and deen and Islam is based on tequila. That's why that word is probably the most often quoted or the most often quoted, concept in the book of Allah Subhan Allah Allah. That Allah means Allah consciousness God consciousness before any human being man woman says anything does anything fit, you know, makes any action any gesture before he writes, or she writes anything because today there's a lot people write more and type more than they say. They use less of the mouth but they use more of the fingers.
So before typing anything before saying anything before writing anything before gesturing before any action, the person thinks to themselves ponders, reflects the you know, what am I conscious of Allah, Allah will question me what I am saying what I am doing, I will have to justify this in the court of Allah. Allah when asked me why did you say this? Why did you raise your voice? Why was your Facebook post out of order? Everything will be questioned on the human player. This is generally in life but at the time of marriage we are being reminded this more because now before your bachelor you're by yourself so before the opportunities to harm someone were less even though now everyone
because of the phone
but still less than when you're married, when you're married before you are by yourself, you were in your own room you were sleeping, how you wanted to you were coming, whatever how you wanted to use you snore or you wanted to, there's nothing wrong in scoring. It's not sinful, by the way, but I'm just saying that how whatever you want you to do, but now, whenever solocom Will, ultimately Barcelona, now you have to think about somebody else. There's somebody else coming into your life, and then there'll be somebody else after that as well. So at the time of Nika, the man, the bride, the groom, they're both being reminded, not just them to but their families, the father in law,
mother in law on this side, the father, no mother in law on this side. Both families are being reminded that if you want this marriage to be prosperous, to be blissful, to have blessings, to have
goodness in it, the only way is having the fear of Allah, the consciousness of Allah. Even if you before you speak to your spouse, you think about Allah, before you raise your voice. You think about Allah, your wife says something to you before you respond. Imam Shafi Raja Rahim Allah Allah, the man who he is, his general practice was like this. When anyone used to come and speak to him talk to him. He would raise his lower his face ups for a few seconds, and then
respond, somebody asked him he said, Why do you do this? Oh, you mommy said, I looked down and think had to it for under hire awful. Calamy OfficeSuite. I think to myself, is it better to respond and talk or is it better to stay quiet? It is better to stay quiet, the mind mouth stays closed. And this is why one of the Ayat of Taqwa specifically talks about it Allah will no no Colin said EDA say that which is correct because most of the marriages end because of the misuse of the tongue.
Riba backbiting, slandering, swearing, shouting, I normally cook this many times, which I've heard from one of my teachers and flooded with money, heavy the law many times and he's talking about his show that he was, he once said, he was called Dr. Abdullah, er, if you remember, once, he was saying that I've been married for 55 years, how many years 55 years, in 55 years of my marriage, I have not even raised my voice over my wife. Forget, raise my hand not even voice. If you talk with money, when he explains this, he says, he adds to this, that people think that the great share, and the great karma is you know, flying in the sky or doing some you know, lifting some
mat and some money's coming out. This is the greatest KARANGAN it's easier to fly in the sky. Imagine 55 years and you don't even raise your voice over someone you sharing your house where you sharing your food with you're sharing your bedroom with you share your bed where you're sharing water with electricity, gas bills, everything your children you're sharing, and you don't raise your voice. I mean, this is an absolute Kurama of the extreme level. Only someone who has fear of Allah consciousness of Allah, someone who thinks to themselves, that you know what, Allah will ask me for everything. When you have this fear and this in the heart. When we live for the Agra, if you don't
live with the author, then anything we can say we can swear slander, who cares? I swear today who God who says, you know, tomorrow is another day, I punch someone tomorrow is another day, who cares? It's gone in history. So when we live with our hero, when we think that you know, whatever I've done, that's not that it's just done. It's not gone, it's finished. It's coming back after I go next life, then my life is coming back from the beginning. What did I do from puberty till I die? Everything is going to be rewinded. It's not just done dusted. That's it. New Day, whatever happened two years ago, I run away with someone's money, who cares, finished. We'll come back. That's my
money, you'll pay. People will come whereas my debt was my loan. You're really sure he could look and be healed a day. Every sin is forgiven for a martyr except debt. So this is why God consciousness Taqwa the only way a marriage can be prosperous. People have taqwa in their life.
Along with taqwa, dusky, does care, which of which is connected, which is connected, which is reforming of the soul, the heart, you know, working on one side, this is why we have so many problems today because people have not worked on the souls. And this working on the soul. We do it superficially. People think working on the cells is like him, okay? Or does he have a big sufficient and whatever and that's it. I'm done. You know, it's all superficial. I attend some gathering or attend some talk and attend some gathering of some share fun. And that's it. I'm done and done and dusted with a super high in my hand and I'm a big shake right now. Well, I'm a big you know, very
pious person. This is a lifetime job lifetime. We need to undergo a course of self rectification. We all know we have these diseases and illnesses. And they these are the illnesses and diseases when we clean ourselves from them. They separate us from being an animal
These are all animalistic traits.
You know greed for example. Have you seen greed in animals and humans in greed in animals?
Have you seen greed in animals?
Go to take your children to a park and some ducks or something, throw some bread and see how they fight for the bread. Have you seen?
Do you guys ever go to a park?
And we will see you know, some swans or something and give them fighting and you know, they don't let each other eat and everything that fighting and quarreling about everything, we are exactly the same.
You might say no, if they give food we're not fighting is because we have enough to eat. If we don't have go to places where there's less food, you drop the food from punching, and you know, I want the food and I want the food. We are like animals. These animalistic traits. And I've normally say this that some human beings are more animal than animals. Some humans are more animal than animals, and some animals are more human than humans.
Think of that afterwards. But anyway, these are animalistic traits of greed of jealousy.
Until we don't work on these things, I think to myself, You know what? I've got jealousy. Now if I want to be a good person have good relations with my mother, my father, my husband, my wife, my son, my daughter.
I have to work on his jealousy This is a disease yaku will hazard
This is a disease what are the remedies? How do I work? Let me read books on this topic. Let me look at myself let me rectify I'm not even saying you know, just do something's superficially up if you want to work on it yourself, work on yourself, but everybody has to work on it. This is it takes about three four years to just about get out of this jealous because if you're jealous, your sister and your mother in law praises your sister in law, you're going to have a fit.
Oh, my mother in law she might you know, she praised the other daughter in law or she's ordered my father in law took the other daughter in laws, you know, children with more love and why did they why don't they take my children in the you know, lap like that every small thing you're jealous. One sister in law is jealous with another sister in law and you're jealous with that in their marriage. Everyone's comparing Why is my sister's marriage like this? And why is my marriage not like this? And why is my brother like you? Why is he earning so much why every part of your life there's gonna be problems, because you're jealous. It's a disease and jealousy does not harm anyone except the
person who is jealous. That's why we say woman chivalry has add the hazard. First person to do to be involved in jealousy wishing upon. So every single This is the skill. In order. Honestly, this there's few there's lots of points. I have like 12 points. In order to make marriages work. I once compiled like 12 points. But this is one of those 12 points. And I think forget all the other 11 points. Honestly, this point. This is why the time of marriage talk or until scare is being reminded.
We have God conscious
every step of our marriage, we fear Allah and we work on ourselves. We remove the ego we remove. We remove the ego and we become sincere. I will end with the sincere part.
I was going to mention four points from those 12. But there's no time for the other points, but I'm just going to finish up this point.
Part of this task here is to be sincere.
Listen to this final point and then we'll end
this care means reforming of the soul reforming of the heart. Yes, you know what does care you've heard of the witness care before. Does care means removing all the blameworthy character traits, jealousy, pride, arrogance, hatred, all of these things, removing them, replacing them working on yourself to be humble, have humility. Be selfless, not selfish. Selfishness is a disease that needs to be wrought, eradicated removed
and replaced with a praiseworthy character trait of
selflessness etc sincerity. So sincerity is part of this Kia sincerity means What does sincerity mean? Sincerity means what? What's the opposite of sincerity?
Doing things showing off ostentation doing things for other people. If we have that disease, we've got problems in life. When you're getting married. We're getting married. We want to do a new car and marriage for showing off.
The more you want to please the creation of Allah the more problems you will have in your life. You can't afford that big marriage but you you want to do that big marriage because of what people will say. Because of image in the community. People take loans for marriages. people strive even some non Muslims understand this, but I once read an article by a non
Muslim. He said, It's all the stress and anxiety of a big massive marriage and this many people and not many people, is that worth really worth it a day that's supposed to be a happy day people are stressed. People are calling and fighting leading up to the marriage. Oh, we do worry man, are you going to call this and you're doing this and you stress, you've got stress. You don't really want to invite people real. walima is when you when you want, when you feed people for the sake of Allah, this is this is a class, not for people not for showing off. You don't even want to feed them for them. You're feeding them for the sake of Allah. It's sonalika rewarding shot. That's it.
You might feed 10 people. I remember one brother he wants I talked about this in a course that so much of us we eat and we overeat, and we waste food. And there's people in African countries and other poor countries of war torn countries where they're dying out of hunger and thirst. One brother, he made his mind up and he made an intention. He said when I got married, my worry, man, I'm going to feed two three villages in Somalia, Sudan. And then afterwards, after a year, he emailed me actually said, You know what, I remember I came to your course. And I remember you probably remember that I stood up and I made this intention. And next Oh, in two weeks time is my
marriage and my walima is that I've sent I've given the money to a charity, and that charity is going to feed to villages food in Somalia, or Sudan or somewhere in Africa. And that's my Well, you might hear me and my family members will just eat that's it. Hamdulillah you can reward one of the volume of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was you know what he said? He said, he got married simple. What do you mind everyone? Whatever you've got bring whatever, put it on the mat, either on the food table spread, and we'll eat together. Do that. Let's see how many people come
bring whatever from your house, and we'll just eat together. Simplicity. There's why take the pressure people that money. I've said this to a lot of young people that money you will you're spending look if you're spending money on your Halima to please Allah then inshallah reward but if it's not really you don't really want to do it. But it's just because oh, you know, what will people say and you can never please people in the world.
They will still come out from that walima hole and still, you know, take a massive bubble and then they'll say you know, there was too much salt check could have been better you know, I've been to better weddings. There's still take something out some fault out. And even if they don't, even if they're happy so what what's that going to do in your marriage? Are they gonna go right go home, you know what they're gonna write a book now that sit down write a book, The Great walima of the marriage of brother excellent sisters and whatever. And that's it they're going to publish a book and it's going to be all over and you know, in WH Smith, you can find a book that great walima of
this person and everyone's going to read they even have the command and say whoa, this was an amazing marriage they said it finish it's gone in the air praise what is praise do this praise give you like 100 pounds every day. It praise gave you 100 pounds, maybe Okay, do it and he's getting rebounds. But someone praises you, you hear it, it goes in your ear, and then you can't even hear it again. Oh, you're amazing. Then I'll keep on saying You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing. Amazing. All these prints go good, amazing. What's happening. And when someone says bad things about you? Is it is it like pinching you is someone putting a knife No, you're a bad
person you're back because who cares if Allah thinks I'm good, it's not you're not punching me. Praise. And someone saying things negative about you shouldn't really affect a person. This is actually according to one of the Imams I don't know who said this is the highest level of Zeus, when praise and criticism are both equal to
So anyway, this sincerity, is part of the Ischia every aspect of marriage we are sincere you know, when we say sincerity, this is a praiseworthy kind of strain. In normal ama to be neared is the first Hadith actions are quite intentions. We think this is just for Salah when I pray salah I have to make sure it's for law and not showing off here. See, we know that. But this sincerity is not just for prayer is not just for when you read the Quran, it's for every aspect of life. So when you are married, it has to be with the loss with sincerity. Why am I married, not to please anybody or anything I want to marry for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala my Nika has to be for the pleasure of
Allah subhanaw taala when I get married, when I am good to my spouse, it is for the pleasure of Allah. It's not about me, marriage, you make it about the other person. The man enters the marriage and he thinks to himself, this is not about me, myself and I this is about you, yourself and you he thinks he thinks that I am entering this marriage to give and not to receive. The woman thinks I am in this marriage, not about my rights is not about what I'm getting. I am getting married so that I'll get gender. This is an Arab other. This is great worship through the union through serving my husband through being his good wife. I shall enter parallelism, Jana forget what he does in return.
Who cares? My reward is in the outcome. Everyone thinks it's
A transaction you scratch my back then I'll scratch your back. If you don't scratch my back then you're not getting really
it's a transaction This is what happens everyone makes it oh you feel good to move his mind and you get really if you're not smiling then there's no video on you today or no fish or whatever, you know.
Fish is good.
Fish is healthy food, you should eat a lot of fish fish is one of the best foods that you can eat. Good food. My favorite is fish. But anyway, what I was saying that this is what happens. So marriage should be based on sincerity is lost everything when you smile at your wife, don't smile so that she cooks you nice fish. Smile because why? Allah is going to be pleased when you be nice to her when you give her time when you've been asked your husband. The hadith says a Marathi with our Salah Kamsa was Ahmed Shah Xhosa dollar two gentlemen here Bobby shirt, a woman who offers a five time prayers fasting Ramadan obeys her husband she will enter Paradise from whichever do she wants. A
human didn't know that was owed to her and her rod in the holiday Jana, any woman who passes away in a state that her husband is happy she will enter paradise. Some people say what about the wife? Okay? The hadith is not there, but you can apply it no problem that any man who does wife's happy inshallah no problem newline teacher knows well, because everything everything is whatever.
No problem unless there's difference. Like if there's something about menstruation, then there's no quality, okay, where's the man's ministration because we live in a time because equality, the one everything, you know, equality means equality doesn't mean similarity. There's a massive difference between similarity and equality. Some men and women are different, they've been created differently psychologically, mentally, emotionally from all different angles. And that's my second third fourth point, which I'm not going to go to talk about. But sincerity is very, very important. Every aspect you you are good to your spouse, for the sake and for the pleasure of Allah to the point. And this
is the absolute last thing I'm saying to the point that
even to the point that intimacy between husband and wife is a deep point, even intimate relations, bedroom relations should be all about pleasing your spouse and not personal gratification, that will come.
personal gratification will be achieved, even in other aspects of marriage, but it should all be about the other person.
So the man has to think the husband has to think I am engaging in intimate bedroom relations. With one intention, I want to satisfy my wife who is a servant of Allah slave of Allah, if she's happy, if she just had his by, she would have a good, you know, life and she will have a good day and she will, she will worship Allah and she will be satisfied. And through that I will integer now. What about me forgiving myself, who cares? Why me?
And the wife thinks as well. This is all about pleasing my husband. If he is pleased, he's saved from sins. He is not distracted outside, he's satisfied. Any good deed he does everything. I get the reward. And I'm gonna enter Jana because of this. All the problems and then you know, they fight Oh, he doesn't give me my right and I don't need this right. And she doesn't do this. And he's the raping marriage. And all these questions come because of this, not the Spirit not been there. It's all about the other person. And you know what I've said this this particular thing under the general hadith of sincerity, we can detect this, but I will give you a specific delete on this. This is
directly from a hadith. I've just mentioned this hadith on our end, I know he stood up so we have to end and I need to go as well actually. So. But
this is a specific direct de Lille from the Hadith.
We could have, we don't need a specific detail because everything is for the sake of Allah, which includes this.
But I'll give you specifically for this. There's a hadith in Sahih al Bukhari and Muslim and elsewhere where the messenger Salallahu Salam was once some of the companions came to the messages that Allahu alayhi salam, and they said, you know, all Messenger of Allah, the rich people have taken all the rewards that have to do to blue, they've taken all the rewards.
Why? Because you saw Luna command who suddenly were so manakamana So they pray we pray they fast we fast but Wait, isn't that gonna be for the American but they've got an advantage. They've got some money, they're rich. So they give so much to the poor. And we can't do that we pray like they pray. We're equal in praying, fasting, etc. But when it comes to charity, we don't have the money. We can't do that.
So the messenger sallallahu alayhi. Salam said to them,
hasn't Allah made other ways for you to get the same reward of sada? He says, I'll tell you some more ways of Sonova they give money to the poor. If you don't have money, you can do so on so many different things and you and that's also charity soda.
That's also giving to the poor and that's like salah, and then he gave a list different things he said saying Subhan Allah and hamdulillah CollectA Halothane sadaqa I'm robbing my roof. Now you Daniel Moncure Salah until the end of the Hadith he said, what we Booderee ahaadeeth sadaqa one of you fulfilling the needs sexual needs of your spouse is also sadaqa.
That doesn't mean you don't have to give zakat and just do that. Yes. You know, someone says I don't need to give the cosmos and garden bedroom. This is it gives you the reward. Well, we both have they come sadaqa What did you say fulfilling the intimate needs of your spouse is? What? Sir? What is the Dhaka Celica about receiving or is about giving.
When you give sadaqa you're not thinking about yourself. You're thinking about fulfilling the needs of the Pope. So even intimate relations is about it's a subtle cause it's fulfilling the needs of your spouse. If we make our whole marriage, A to Zed from engagement, not just marriage from engagement and throughout our marriage. If you base it on taqwa and base it on the scale, then you'll see that marriages are prosperous inshallah Tada and with this