Root Causes And Solutions In Marriage Conflict

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari


Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

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To learn manual Haman hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu salam ala Sayidina Muhammad. While early he was serving as your main or complement of your home based on a medium of art,

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especially brothers sisters.

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So that's why they come to LA he Diallo barakato

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first of all, before we started the session

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I would like to

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apologize if there is slight technical issues in today's session

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hamdulillah normally, we don't have any technical problems, definitely on not on any of my classes and sessions with our beloved.

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But Subhanallah

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what happened is just just yesterday,

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the Wi Fi has not been working Saturday evening,

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here in our director office, so we have to call the company tomorrow and see what the issue is. So I'm using the mobile data so it might be slightly delayed, etc. But hopefully inshallah it's not too much of an issue.

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Secondly, Hamdulillah I would like to thank Albula Academy for organizing this very important seminar or webinar session on the root causes of marriage problems and divorce and things like that and also,

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all of you I'd like to thank mashallah, we've got quite a few participants

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concerns while participating,

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I would like to thank all of you for taking your time and we have two tabs here the question and answer tab and the chat tab. So inshallah if you have

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any questions,

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Inshallah, if you have any questions, then just type them out in the q&a session, and I will go through them all of them right at the end Inshallah, at the end of the seminar

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we don't really have a PowerPoint or any points, but maybe

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as we go along in the chat, somebody can just type some of these things up just just bullet points that I'm going to talk about inshallah Don.

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the topic, as we all know, root causes and solutions in marriage conflict.

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Now with this, what I'm going to do is I'm going to look through a few number wise

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root causes,

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of marriage, problems of marital conflict, of dispute of separation of divorce, and their solutions how to

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deal with

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I'll see how many I can cover, I'll put them in points. So Inshallah, you know, we can just type these points out way number one, cause number one, cause number two, cause number three, like that, inshallah.

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So, before we do that,

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we have to realize the look, the topic is root causes and solutions in marriage conflict,

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which means that

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this, which tells us something, which is that marital conflict is quite common.

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And this is why there's a need to discuss the need to talk about the need to address

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these root causes these causes

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of marital conflict.

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And this also tells us that marriage is not something that is absolutely easy, plain sailing, has no issues, no ups and downs, no bumpy rides. It's never been like that. And you'll never be like that.

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marriage problems are common. They are part and parcel of a marriage.

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No one has said marriages easy.

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Marriage, you know, when people don't marry young people, when before they get married, they don't realize that marriage is actually quite difficult.

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It's actually you know, as difficult as offering five time prayers are even more difficult, more difficult than offering Tahajjud prayer waking up in the middle of the night.

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Because in a marital relationship, so much involved now you are tied up with someone with another human being and you are sharing with them all aspects of your life. Before marriage. You're a bachelor, you are single, you could sleep whenever you want and wake up whenever you want and sleep

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How you want and wake up how you want, eat when you want and what you want and to whatever, whenever, of course in the boundaries of Sharia

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never, I mean, it's never like you can do whatever the absolute total freedom is not there. Of course, for a Muslim and even for a non Muslim, nobody has absolute total freedom. I mean, as a human being, there's no such thing as absolute total freedom. Even those who disbelieve in Allah, they don't have absolute total freedom. They might say, Okay, we're free free. We don't follow any, any religion. So nobody, I mean, nobody does. I mean, that's why everyone's complaining about life, because nobody can do what they want. Everyone has to wake up and everyone has to go to work, they might not want to go to work, but they tied up. And I, you know, people are,

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you know, slaves of the society in many occasions. So anyway, but for a Muslim, there's not absolute freedom, because we are

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bound to the laws of Sharia. But underneath that, and within that

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there is a type of like freedom, you're not tied up with somebody. When it comes to marriage, when it comes to marriage.

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There are boundaries that are rules, regulations. And therefore, we have to remember that marriage was not something that is was supposed to be just completely easy.

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I remember once, I was giving a talk on marriage, and a brother asked a question and he said, Can I ask a question, Chef, because I was I was going through all of Abeille all the virtues on all the merits and all the reward of marriage in Islam. So he said that I have a question that it seems like marriage is the only thing that gives you so much reward. And you actually want to do it and really enjoy it because everything else in Islam, it's so struggle, of course, and you get a lot of reward all the things that Allah says, pray five times and fast in Ramadan and praise God and do till our do this, do that and avoid those sins. And that's actually in the Hadith or whoever think Jana, to

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Bill McCurry. If you want to enter Paradise, you have to

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go through hardships and difficulties like things you have to do, which, which may be apparently difficult for you,

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in order to enter Paradise, and this is a test from ALLAH. So he said, Look, everything else that takes you to Jana, and gives you so much reward seems difficult. But marriage is the only thing that actually it's something that's good and enjoyable, and you love it and takes you to gender and the sole issue because I was going through all the rewards and merits of marriage. So I said to the brother, that he was asking a question, I said, Brother, are you married? He said, No. I said, Well, that's why you're saying that, get married, and then ask me the same question. If you'd ask the same question, then you will probably say that, actually, it's easier to pray 510 prayers than marriage.

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marriage is a, you know,

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challenge, I'm not gonna say is difficult. And it's very hard, but it's a challenge. Human beings, we are all different. We are all created different, differently, mentally, we are different psychologically, we are different. Emotionally, we are different. And that's actually one of the causes that's coming, that we are different, and to live with somebody who's different constantly, is very difficult. But I'll get to that, of course, but this is just an overall overall, that.

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In marriage, there's good things, there's good aspects, of course, and rather everything in the dunya. You know, the Quran says in the Malusi, you saw verily with hardship, the difficulty, so in marriages, well, there's goodness, and then there's, you know,

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things that you enjoy, etc. But there's also hardships, and there's also challenges, I would probably use the word challenges,

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the challenges in marriage.

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Now, before we go into the cost, when again, last bit, that we see the rate of divorce and rate of marital conflict and separation has really increased in this day and age, and our times really increased. And one of the reasons is that in the current climate,

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it doesn't mean that there's one or two things that they you know, which were not there back, which were not present,

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previously, back in the day,

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which are present now.

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Which cause they are there one or two things, but another really important thing to consider is that marriage was always challenging, even before even in the time of the message that Allah is in a marriage was challenging. It's always been challenging marriage. But one of the reasons why divorce rates have really increased is because people don't have that level of suburb and patience. People don't have that level of patience and suburb today, as they used to

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in those days

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And we we live in a time now.

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People give up very easily there's no subpar there's no patience you know the way we have been brought up that everyone just

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can't control this or manage the situation and people can't enjoy people kind of subpar people just just wanted their way or that said the highway.

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And this is one of the big problems for for the cause of marital problems etc.

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But anyway,

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what are the main root causes? Number one.

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And this can someone can take this one out once I've explained it. First few lines Charla

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which I've kind of already highlighted and sort of indicated.

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One of the main main part one of the main reasons, main reasons is the fact that before marriage,

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the two people who are getting married, they

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forget to realize what they don't realize they forget or they oversee the fact or they are not

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sort of, they don't look into this issue of realizing they don't realize

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the person they are marrying

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the person they are marrying, that person is different from them

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psychologically, mentally, they are different from me. And this is, as you must have heard of the same men from Mars, Women from Venus,

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all human beings are different. Now, first of all, he will be even we look differently. Physically, we are different. Even our fingerprints are different. Every human being faces different. There's no two human beings faces are same as even our fingerprints, just imagine millions of human beings have come into the world or they'll come on into the world. But Allah created every person's fingerprint different.

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And even mentally, and psychologically we are different. Emotionally, we are different. We all think differently. We have different feelings, we deal with things differently. Now, if you're alone, or you're not tied up with somebody, you're not alone, okay? You live in a family, with your parents, etc, you're still on the same. You're still your own person, you know, you're living with your parents, you're still your own person, you still have your own sort of privacy. But when you're when you're in marriage, then you become a double person. Basically, you are sharing everything. Now it's difficult as a human being, to live and share, live with someone share everything with them, you

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know, finances, food, accommodation, same bedrooms and bed, you know, life making decisions traveling together, same children, discussing the children, upbringing of children to so many things you sharing with them.

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Now, it's difficult as it is,

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because human beings are different. But in marriage, it's not even just another human being. It's a different gender. It makes it doubly difficult.

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First of all, to human beings that if print, and then it's not two men or two women.

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Of course, marriage is between a man and a woman. So even, you know, from the gender perspective, men think differently. Women think differently. Men do things differently. Women do things differently. And that's why it's really important that people before they get married, they realize this

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they realize this they understand this they

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can see consider this, that living with someone is with someone different is not easy. There's a hadith of the messenger Allah Allah Islam in which he says that a believer and Muslim will you call it a nurse whereas with Allah the homicidal middle Muslim, delightfully surprised a believer who intermingles with people

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and therefore exercises patience on the hands is better than the believer who doesn't mean intermingle with people and therefore does not have to exercise patience. What does that hadith mean? isn't someone tell me that if you're a Muslim, I believe if you're a person, and you don't live with anybody, just anyone that hasn't. Therefore you don't have to exercise patience, because no one's going to hurt your feelings. You're just in a desert, well, who's gonna hurt the sense is gonna hurt your feelings. You live in by yourself in the house, the building, you know, the brick the walls, you know, no one's saying anything doing anything to hurt your feelings. You're just your

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own person. So, he says that Therefore if a Muslim lives on his own, then his feelings will not be hurt.

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So in the Hadith, is saying that that Muslim who actually takes on the challenge to live with people

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takes on the challenge of marriage takes on the challenge of living with a family takes on the challenge of living with society because everyone can see the more closer people are to you, the more chances of your feelings being heard from them, because you're sharing with them, but it carries on. So, your spouse closest to your husband, your wife, therefore, the chances of your feelings being heard from them are the greatest.

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And then a bit more than your extent you know, your other family members and their extended family, then your locality community and people who are you are in contact within say, you know, online etc. Your community and then the rest of humanity. So living with people the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam says that the person who takes on the challenge the one person and say, Look, I'm not gonna live with people, that's it. I don't need to, you know, hurt anyone's feelings and no one's going to hurt my feelings but someone who actually intermingles with people and then exercises patience, or big on the hands and feelings being hurt and the hands being received. The messengers of Allah,

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Allah Salam didn't even use the word if the one who lives with the people and if his feelings or her feelings are hurt, no, he just said the one who lives with people and therefore feelings are hurt is better meaning by virtue of living people,

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intermingling interacting, it is automatic and does not if here is guaranteed. So the one who intermingles with people and therefore feelings will be hurt is better than the one who does not live with people and feelings are not hurt. So in the case of living with people, feelings will be hurt.

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So, therefore, you have to, you know, really look at this property. Understand it before marriage, I always tell young people that study study books, study psychology, you know, the see how to deal

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with the opposite gender.

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The gender, you know, mentally, psychologically and physically. Like, for example, women are emotional, a guy who gets married, and doesn't realize how a woman is emotional.

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You know, he's going to have problems in his marriage, because he's lived all his life on his own as a guy, and his mainly had male friends. And now he's married someone, this woman that's come into your marriage as a brother, this woman that's coming to your marriage is not like one of your mates, she now thinks differently. Well, you could say some things to your male friends, but now you might say to her, and you might just affect her differently. She's, you know, much more emotional. And that's why the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi, wa sallam he said, and Murata. wholecut, Mandela and womanist is great from a rib. In other words, a woman is different from a man, she's

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very gentle, very, like fragile, very emotional, and therefore be very careful. And likewise, a woman needs to understand as well, that, you know, the man that you're marrying is different. She's not like your other friend or sister that you used to talk to your talk about your marriage, you talk about your problems with her for like one hour, you know, sisters can to discuss a problem for like an hour, you know, used to have an issue and you and your friend and you just sit there for one hour and talk about all the details. And you know, that's how you feel better. The man, he doesn't really

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go into one hour discussions. And that's why a lot of trans problems occur. You know, the wife is saying one thing a bit of attention. Like she comes and talks to the husband about something that I have this problem and I'm like, okay, finishes off in two minutes. And she doesn't like it because it's, I need someone to talk to Why aren't you talking to me? Well, listen to me live and talk, listen, but a husband and he is a male, his mind is completely different. The way he is psychologically is very different.

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For him is like, Okay, this doesn't require a one hour discussion. This just requires a one minute discussion. Okay, you're saying this, and you're saying this, okay? Either this or that? We'll just say, okay, okay, do this, then. Then you the wife will say but no, but this one, okay, do that. But then the wife has a benign, like, the wife will give two maybe, you know, options. And both of them are not right for her. And as we won't get it like either this or that, like what else can I do? But the wife is not looking for solution. She doesn't want like, do this solution. Do that solution. She just wants you to listen to half an hour about this and half an hour about this and doesn't want you

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to give the final solution. Just listen and Okay. All right. Okay. Wow. Okay with those sorry, there's

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just less than a massive letter solution.

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So, this is what happens men and women, they are different. And they both have to, you know, learn about the differences between the two genders.

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So hamdulillah we've written the first cause here.

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The fact that the person they're marrying is different from them emotionally, mentally, psychologically.

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So basically, one of the main root causes of marital conflict is the fact that people do not realize or understand properly

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the differences between the two genders. And this is taken from the Hadith of the messengers of Allah instead of like I said, the main Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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About, you know, the woman being created from a robe, if you look in the commentary of a hadith is talking about how

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a woman is different. That's what that hadith is talking about, that a woman is different to men and men need to look at that. And also, women need to consider

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the fact that men are different to them,

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each person is different to the other. Number two, the second very important root cause it

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is the fact that

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is the fact that we live in a time where

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some of the gender roles are mixed up a lot of times, people don't like to listen to this. Traditionally, classically, one of the reasons why divorce rates were lower

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than they are now is because even in with a non Muslims, I'm not just talking about Muslims, even within non Muslims, is because people realize that this is this crew. Second, you know, the second, the second cause is actually an extension of the first one. Because first one we talked about that there are different mentally, psychologically, physically, emotionally, from all different angles.

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Even physically, they're different.

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So it's an extension, that when the two genders are different, they're not similar to one another. They are equal, of course, in the sight of Allah subhanaw taala. They are equal. There's equality in Islam, between men and women equality, meaning that a man

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and a woman both are equal in the sight of Allah, they are both valued equally in the sight of Allah. If a man is righteous, or if a woman is righteous, pious, whoever is more pious, Allah will not say okay, because you're a man you know, you have more reward, you're a woman, you get more reward. Quran says, in the Muslim arena, when Muslim I mean will will mean that quality and quality, saw the pain saw the card harsher and harsher art is looking, he's mentioning all the good qualities of the male gender and the female, gender, believing men and believing woman, the God fearing man, God fearing woman, the praying man, the praying woman, the one who

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they're carrying Allah cathedra was back right? The man who makes dhikr of Allah remembers Allah and the female who remember the last time to Allah X

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cetera. So there's equality.

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Okay, there's no one gender is not better than the other. But, of course, the two genders are different from all angles on physically and emotionally and mentally and psychologically, we said that there's differences. So as an extension, to this first point, the second kind of reason is that because there are differences, each gender

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has a specific role to play, which is suited to their gender.

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And the cause of the dispute or the marriage conflict today is because gender roles are mixed up.

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Gender roles are mixed up.

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That's why traditionally, even with non Muslims 50 years ago, 60 years ago, 100 years ago, even in non Muslims, even in the Western countries, if you ask the non Muslims in the West, in America, in the UK, in Canada, etc. And many European countries and Western countries, their parents or their grandparents, they never saw that when divorces. And one of the reasons as not as many separations and divorces. One of the reasons was that men played the role of being a man, the woman played the role of being a woman, gender roles were not mixed up. Allah subhanaw taala created both genders and you know, gave them both tasks and responsibilities suited to their gender. And there's nothing

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wrong, it's just what suited for, you know, one gender doesn't mean one, gender is better than the other.

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It's the society to resolve these things. People don't like to listen because, you know, the society has programmed our brain, you know, to think in a particular way

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to make us think, you know, we are so strongly programmed a certain time certain things we just wouldn't want to hear that there's another argument to this. And actually, you might actually be better or because our minds have been

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programmed by society by media.

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We just don't want to accept

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the male role was supposed to be the breadwinner. The Quran says clearly originally, our Mona Lisa Bhima Faber, Allah who became part of Malabar men are the caretakers, the maintainers, the breadwinners, they are in charge, they are responsible, that's the road. And that suits the man, even in the animal kingdom is exactly the same. That suits the man's role. This is why Allah gave the man the task based on how he fashioned demand, Allah knows best, the inch, the strengths and the weaknesses of a male, Allah knows best the strengths and the weaknesses of the female. So he gave certain tasks and jobs and responsibilities to the male, based on the male physique, and gender, and

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strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, he gave certain jobs and roles and responsibilities to the female gender based on the strengths and weaknesses and the physique, and the nature of the female. But we live in a time that, you know,

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it's all mixed up. A perfect marriage was a man who was the breadwinner, the responsible person that when going outside and working most of the time and, you know, earning and providing and being in charge and, and the woman was, you know, I'm not saying the woman can't work and it's haram, etc. But this was how it was traditionally, and, you know, this, her main responsibility was nurturing the children at home. And, and that's based on her nature, she she gets pregnant and achieves birth, and she's breastfeeding for two years. So people don't want to listen to this. There's quite a few non non Muslims who talk about this as well. Because in this time of feminism we live in our minds

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have been programmed, we've been fed certain things, we just don't want to listen.

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You know,

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there was a time when women were, you know, we talk about empowering women. But this actually, it's, you know, it's the brain has the way it's been programmed, it's not an empowerment, the word woman has been deceived.

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The same woman,

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the same woman, if she

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stays at home looks after her children, her son, her daughter, her children or grandchildren and, you know, looks after them and brings them up and then spends time you know, at home and serves them and cooks for them and, you know, looks after them and her husband and everybody, the society has programmed the brain to think that's backwardness. That's oppression. And the same woman who goes and serves 200 passionate passengers in an aeroplane as a hair airhostess and dresses up for them and smiles, every single one goes to every single man and every everyone's looking at her and everyone just, you know, enjoying her in every way, shape, or form, and just serving them, then the

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woman's been told, that's empowerment, now you've got freedom. There's no freedom, there's so worried about everything that people depress because I look this way, I look that way. Or, you know, this is wrong, that's wrong.

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You know, when in history, what happened was that the man was very cunning, very sly, was very bored, post industrial times.

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You know, they wanted a boom in the economy. So what they did was that they said, Look, number one, only why mainly men are always doing all this hard, hard works and jobs, like, it's not fair. So they said that a woman, let's bring the woman out as well, and get her into the workplace, let her work as well, she should also do the same things. And also, secondly, the men were just bored by themselves. And they were only working they were not productive, because only men everywhere.

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So they wanted to enjoy the woman into the workplace so that they become more productive. So they deceived the woman and said, like, why are you staying at home, you know, looking after children this backward and you're not empowered and come out and you know, so they deceived the woman. Now, what's happened that a woman, she or she still has to do a lot of the things that the home, she still doesn't get, like absolute major, major decisions and major roles in the workplace. See how many in history until now.

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Presidents and Prime Ministers women have been in comparison to men, still, they talk about you know,

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sexist being sex sexism in workplace, etc. It still exists because

00:29:39--> 00:29:59

at the same time, she still has to work at home. And at the same time, they pulled her out and dragged her into the workplace as well. So you give birth as well to the children and you also be pregnant. And you also have menstrual periods, and you will also nurture the children. You also be there when young age you also do the school run. You also run around in the morning

00:30:00--> 00:30:22

Go take this children to school, come back quickly, you also can work as well, you also earn as well, you also quickly come back home and cook as well for the children, you also put the pizza in the oven and microwave or whatever, you also do this and you quickly clothes, wash the clothes, they do most of the stuff. So the woman now, double, triple triple responsibility.

00:30:25--> 00:30:47

And she doesn't realize that the man has played with her brain, telling her that this is the empowerment, really, it should have been the woman should have been the Queen saying, You know what, it's not my responsibility. You're a man, I am not coming out and earning one penny. And if I've got any money that's come to me from my parents or my inheritances all my money in my bank. And even if there's 1 million pounds, you can't touch it.

00:30:48--> 00:31:29

I'm not even going to spend it from it. I'm not even going to eat one morsel from it. You have to go out work, be responsible, I will wake up in the morning, I'll make the kids ready for school, they'll go to school, I'll just relax. I wake up, go back to sleep for two, three hours, wake up, have a nice shower, make myself a nice beautiful breakfast, relax a bit, and then maybe clean up the house a bit, then I might just go buy something might go and socialize. Go to another sister. You know, she's also there relaxing, we're going to have lunch together, gonna have some coffee party together, then come back home,

00:31:31--> 00:31:38

cook the evening meal and dinner, then all the children husband, everybody comes Yes, serve everyone, you will eat just a nice relaxing day.

00:31:39--> 00:31:53

What why so many women are depressed today because there's too much on their plate. Because the man is deceived in the name of feminism like empowerment, like you have to your backwards like you know, somehow being a mother is being backward.

00:31:54--> 00:31:57

And this is a massive reason of you know,

00:31:59--> 00:32:01

gender roles being mixed up.

00:32:03--> 00:32:17

Gender roles being mixed up. So the perfect marriage was between a man, a man who played the role of a man, a man who acted like a man, a man who took the responsibility of being a man.

00:32:18--> 00:32:28

And he was masculine. And he wasn't manly, and he dealt with issues in a man manway. And a woman who was feminine, who

00:32:29--> 00:32:33

played the role of being a wife and a feminine and a woman.

00:32:35--> 00:32:36

And that was a perfect jigsaw puzzle.

00:32:38--> 00:32:46

A man married a woman. But today, we've got the man who's been the masculine. So basically, the man has become like half feminine.

00:32:47--> 00:32:59

So you've got a man who's half masculine, half feminine. And you've got a woman who's become half masculine. So you've got a half man, half woman now literally speaking, but I'm just you know, like, in a

00:33:00--> 00:33:06

sarcastic way, I'm saying, but you've got a half man and half woman marrying a half man, half woman. And of course you can, that's not a perfect jigsaw puzzle.

00:33:08--> 00:33:12

So therefore, going back to this

00:33:15--> 00:33:22

this concept of the role of the male, the role of the woman, the gender roles.

00:33:24--> 00:33:27

It's really, really important going back to that. So that's, you know,

00:33:28--> 00:33:44

gender roles they mixed up the cause, cause do is they have different roles and responsibilities. And they have different gender roles, you could also add their different gender roles and the causes, that gender roles are mixed up. The roles are mixed up.

00:33:45--> 00:34:18

I'm not saying based on this, that a woman can't work etc. Of course, there's been in history that they you know, but they never did you know, that, in the time of the misuse of love or Islam, the sahaba. And in our history, women have done a lot of different things. But they did it not because of a need to work. Because the man had to provide fully, they did it out of a passion. There were women who were teachers, so they did it in their own time, when they can, how much they can

00:34:20--> 00:34:24

if they were passionate about serving humanity, like in medicine, for example.

00:34:26--> 00:34:45

They did what they can do bare minimum when they want to when they don't want to. There's no pressure on there's no pressures of earning of life chose on live in terms of this, earning earning money. There were teachers who were more hydrated or they took a lot of different things, but it was all done in that you know,

00:34:47--> 00:34:48

in that way basically.

00:34:51--> 00:34:53

So that's number two number three

00:35:02--> 00:35:04

Look at the question inshallah rather than number three,

00:35:06--> 00:35:21

I hope you you know, people can listen properly and it's not lagging too much inshallah to Allah, hopefully not. Because I mean, for me as well as screen here, it's a bit like I don't know how the screen is for you, but inshallah number three, sometimes

00:35:22--> 00:35:23

we have problems in marriage

00:35:25--> 00:35:37

due to too many high expectations. So the cause is too many too high, it's too much or high expectations, high expectations in marriage.

00:35:40--> 00:36:17

You know, before getting married, lower your expectations, and not just marriage, generally in life, brothers and sisters, my friends, if you want a peaceful, happy, happy ish, of course happy but with challenges because this life always has challenges. It's never going to be a life, this dunya life will never be that there'll be no challenges. I mean, these are causes and solutions are there. But that doesn't mean that there will be no problems married, there will still be some problems in marriage, and they'll still be problems in life, because that's the nature of this dunya Quran says well hon Wanda Combi shaman I hope you will do very well not similarly, somebody will enforce the

00:36:17--> 00:36:59

law Murad. We will test you with all the different tests poverty and you know someone passing away and hunger and sometimes a lack of, you know, food or economically financially. We will test you this This dunya is a test only agenda there's only bliss, in which there's the whole finale, one winner who has no fear, no sadness, the greatest reward in Jannah after seeing Allah, I've just seen Allah one of the greatest rewards in Paradise is that there's no fear, there's no sadness. There's no anxiety, there's no stress, there's no sadness. There's just happiness and happiness internally. And Hellfire soul torment and punishment, this dunya is a combination of both. So yes, if you act

00:36:59--> 00:37:15

upon the law and you know we follow these guidelines, etc. Inshallah internally will be peace, but there will still be difficult. There'll be peace, but there'll be difficulty you know, you will, internally you'll feel peace. Despite externally there might be a hardship befalling you.

00:37:17--> 00:37:54

And that's the meaning of Allah with the collective manual group. You know, when you make vicar of Allah Hartsfield content in this patient, there's tranquility, that doesn't mean you don't experience problems, because you'll experience everyone, every human being. I mean, every human being has some close person in their family that passes away in their life. And that's one of the highest your parents most people go through parents passing away, some don't but most do. Many go through the children passing away or siblings so that that is a greatest great test. So that's going to be their tests are going to be that that definitely. So Allah says what Michelle is harboring

00:37:54--> 00:38:02

give glad tidings to the people of patients and living in Sabah Tomasi, la Pardo in LA when la Rajon. So anyway, I was saying that

00:38:03--> 00:38:08

generally in life, you want a peaceful calm, you know, internally peaceful life.

00:38:09--> 00:38:13

Lower your expectations. Honestly work on this, you will see the difference in your life.

00:38:15--> 00:38:22

You will see the difference. I've practiced this since many, many years just lower your expectations from the creation of Allah

00:38:24--> 00:38:25


00:38:27--> 00:38:41

connect all your expectations with Allah subhanaw taala just don't expect things from people. If we lower our expectations, then we won't be too disappointed when someone doesn't

00:38:42--> 00:38:44

fulfill that expectation

00:38:45--> 00:38:47

or doesn't live up to what we were expecting them to do.

00:38:49--> 00:38:50

Generally in life

00:38:51--> 00:39:04

when you give someone a gift or something don't expect that they're gonna like you know, say thank you, thank you to you and just Alko la Hira and and you know, tell you so many things good things in response and give you a gift and this and that.

00:39:05--> 00:39:45

Don't expect to do it for the sake of Allah and forget if they say handler and they say thanks to you then as a bonus while I wasn't expecting it Hamdulillah I wasn't expecting it someone does good too and that's a bonus but default is don't don't expect it and you won't be disappointed likewise in marriages will have low expectations don't think oh when I get married you know my husband will be my prince charming will come and he'll will know people have all these expectations too many expectations that yeah, he's going to do this for me and he's going to do that for me and he's going to lift me and you know, he's going to pick me up and he's going to everyday you know, open the door

00:39:45--> 00:39:47

of the car and you know, he's going to

00:39:49--> 00:39:59

kiss the ground that I walk on and you know, it's gonna be swept away and you know, it'll just be like, all day long. Just gonna think about me and you know, I'm just going to be

00:40:00--> 00:40:34

The most important person, like, ever in history of his life, and I'm, you know, like, I'm the only one who ever gets married. You know, sometimes people get married, there's 4 billion people who've got married before you and the 4 billion people that might get married after you as well. It's just part and parcel of life. You know, sometimes we think when we get married, like, okay, that's the only one who gets married and like, I know, it's important day of our life, but come on, get over it, it's, you know, people get married, it's not like, you know, the whole world hasn't stopped because of your marriage. Everyone's in their own life, and everyone's got their own issues. So

00:40:34--> 00:41:10

marriage has to be so important, and everyone needs to think about my marriage and everything needs to revolve around me like attention seeking, that causes a lot of problems, mentally causes yourself problems. So this, you know, thinking that, you know, inshallah me Dora, Allah gives you a good husband or a good wife, but high expectations, even from a dean perspective, that inshallah you know, me and my husband, we're going to sprinkle water on each other every day. And you know, we're going to share a book together, you know, we'll both hold a book together, and we'll read, I'll read from this page, and he'll read from that page, and, you know, and then he'll fill, you know, he's

00:41:10--> 00:41:15

going to move that page, and then I'll get to the next page, and now we're just going to feed each other food, and

00:41:16--> 00:41:20

then we would live in some kind of, I don't know, Disneyland or something, I don't know.

00:41:22--> 00:41:27

If good things happen. Hamdulillah. But you know, it's a lifelong marriage. And

00:41:29--> 00:41:55

as long as you get someone who treats you well doesn't harm you doesn't abuse you in sha Allah practices, the deen lets you practice the deed. And then in sha Allah and, you know, generally give you a company and then you shovel in this stage, especially, it's, you know, it's a blessing. Because it's people who abuse and all sorts of things. So, therefore, try to low expectations, you know, people look at

00:41:56--> 00:42:14

media, and because of that, they get affected impacted, like, you know, some people look at Bollywood movies and things like that. And they think that's marriage, that's not marriage, that's just for the cameras, they go on, if they were such great, married people, actors, husbands and wives and grid spouses, go look in their own lives, personal lives.

00:42:15--> 00:42:19

Because they have problems in their personal lives. So just for the camera.

00:42:22--> 00:42:24

So that's the third reason, fourth reason,

00:42:26--> 00:42:27

interference of family members.

00:42:29--> 00:42:52

And friends, this is also another big cause. And that's why I always say to people who get married, the families that look, stay at a distance two people are married, let them just deal with the issue only interfere and only help, help. Don't, you know, a lot of times people, they don't actually help they do the opposite of helping whatever that is.

00:42:54--> 00:42:56

They think they're helping but they do the opposite of helping.

00:42:57--> 00:43:01

So only getting involved and only help with sincerity.

00:43:02--> 00:43:13

So family members in laws, there's rules in Islam, about loads of in laws, etc. And there's too much you know, cultural baggage that is involved and you know, in law should not be getting involved

00:43:15--> 00:43:42

in the couple's marriage, to too many people being nosy and to people coming and giving their you know, advice or their sort of two pence worth in what the couple should do and what didn't she shouldn't do and how she should live and how he should live. So this, this also causes a lot of problems, interference of family members and friends. And you know, with friends as well sometimes be very careful. People need to be careful who they talk to.

00:43:44--> 00:43:50

You know, the one always giving you advice, advice in your favor is not always the best advice and your best friend.

00:43:51--> 00:44:03

So you know, like sometimes people have problems in the marriage and sisters, the wife will have certain friends, they will always stick up for you. They will never tell you your foot. That's a bad friend.

00:44:05--> 00:44:09

A good friend is like a mirror. That's why the hadith is minimal.

00:44:10--> 00:44:13

They will tell you in a nice way, they will tell you you're wrong as well in this situation.

00:44:15--> 00:44:19

We just want people Yes, people around us. And we don't want to be told that we're wrong.

00:44:21--> 00:44:29

We should be willing to be told that there's actually my fault in this as well. I am doing something wrong as well. You know, in marriage, all this happens at every party thinks the other party's fault.

00:44:31--> 00:44:33

You know, and maybe that could be another reason.

00:44:37--> 00:44:41

But let's not make as unreasonable. But that's what happens.

00:44:43--> 00:44:59

You know, whenever I talk to people or people I've spoken to me over the years, if the husband is complaining and what seeking advice about marriage problems, the husband will say, you know, it will start with like, you know, I'm not an angel. The I know I have my faults as well. You know, I know

00:45:00--> 00:45:17

would be a better husband. And I know maybe I've done certain things wrong wrong. That's just like, you know, very quick, like 10 seconds. I know I could be wrong, etc, etc. But, and then the 10 hour complaint started by the wife, but she's like this, just like that mother in law's like this and all that.

00:45:19--> 00:45:33

And the wife, when she talks about her marriage problems, she talks about her false 10 seconds. It's like, it's, you know, it's not even worth consideration. You know, me, I know, I know, I'm not an angel yet. But

00:45:34--> 00:45:50

he's like this, this is this is this. I've yet to find someone over many, many years, come to me and say, Actually, I've got marriage problems, and got these issues. And it's all my fault, or majority.

00:45:52--> 00:46:05

I know, my husband's not an angel. But, you know, it's actually me. And I'm really like this, and I can't do this. Very, this is just human beings. And we all save and do whatever I'm saying. It's all for all me and everyone else. It's not just just you guys.

00:46:07--> 00:46:12

This takes us to the issue of the Skia. So therefore,

00:46:13--> 00:46:39

good friend, is someone who tells you that you are at fault as well. These are your faults. So when you have friends, don't let them interfere a lot of the times people outside, you know, there's a hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that whoever turns a spouse against whoever turned someone against their spouse, this is this warning of punishment for them. I can't remember the Hadith right now. It's a famous Hadith.

00:46:40--> 00:46:45

Men have Baba in right and other Zoji. And I can't remember the exact warning or the punishment.

00:46:46--> 00:46:54

So basically, if someone goes, I mean, nobody's talking about someone going to the woman. But he applies to longer to the man as well.

00:46:56--> 00:47:41

Like a female friend, goes to another female friend who's married, and you know, fills a head in against a husband. And this happens a lot like sometimes a woman, she's happy in her marriage, okay, she's happy, she might not get everything or you've got in terms of some freedom or whatever. But she's happy. It didn't even occur in her brain that there was actually you know, something wrong. And then a friend comes and says, Oh, he doesn't even take your holidays, I go holidays every year twice, is not even done. This for us is like, and then she starts thinking and her brain starts now working, you know, double, and something which was not even an issue for her, someone else made it

00:47:41--> 00:47:54

an issue. These are the worst people honestly, the most vile people who do this. There's so much you know, in the Hadith, that talk about such kind of people who go and turn people against others.

00:47:55--> 00:48:11

So that you will get that and sometimes some friend might go to a man as well and say, you know, make him turn against his wife. He's happy, let's live to people are happy, whatever, let them let them live their life. So therefore in marriage, just try to

00:48:12--> 00:48:25

you know, make a barrier between you and other people. Someone comes, says, Sorry, thank you, but no, thank you don't need your advice. Well, okay. Right. Thank you. But no, thank you. Slam Aleykum Baraka la Feeco. Giselle, como la here.

00:48:26--> 00:48:27


00:48:29--> 00:48:31

I know how people interview from outside.

00:48:36--> 00:48:41

And I think time is up, but then I'll just mention one last one, last two ones.

00:48:44--> 00:48:50

One other one, the fourth 1/3, one needs to be typed out. The third one, the fourth one sorry, now

00:48:52--> 00:48:54

is the fact that

00:48:55--> 00:49:34

which already I kind of highlighting is the lack of dusky does care means purification of the heart and the soul. So basically, we all need to work on our hearts, you know, Islamically it's a massive branch of Islam of this gear around the planet circa and this is not just for marriage, but generally in life. Very important branch of Islam. Every Muslim, male and female it's a basic responsibility of Islam that we actually take on this challenge. We dedicate our time, our life, even if you're not married, it's part of Islam. To work on the hearts read books on this topic, go through courses on this topic of eradicating, removing every single spiritual disease, illness of

00:49:34--> 00:49:59

the heart. So for example, anger, anger is a massive issue problem. We need to each one of us we need to work on it. It might take six months, it might take one year to work on eradicating anger. Jealousy is another issue. Jealousy is haram. When we shall be hustling there hasn't been this hadith that talks about the prohibition of jealousy. Now, it doesn't just go away like that. It requires training. We need to go through a training program or

00:50:00--> 00:50:21

How to eradicate or remove jealousy from our heart. This is this blameworthy spiritual ailment, disease, and jealousy needs to be replaced with a formula which means selfless, which means selflessness. Also, selfishness needs to be removed and replaced with self is also humility.

00:50:22--> 00:51:02

A pride and arrogance is a disease needs to be removed and replaced with humility, which is the wild, etc, etc, there's a list of blameworthy character traits, which need to be eradicated and replaced by praiseworthy traits. So that's really important, because in especially in marriage, it's important generally, but in marriage, all of these things have a direct link with a marriage. Each one of them has a direct link with marriage. If a person you get married to or those people who are married, they haven't worked on the hearts, they have not undergone this gear, it's called does get in Arabic and Quranic language, then they will have all the spiritual diseases, jealousy, enmity

00:51:02--> 00:51:32

will be the you know, they will have anger issues that have pride of arrogance and of love of dunya love of dunya is a spiritual disease needs to be replaced with abstinence of never aka not being materialistic, etc, etc, all these diseases will have a direct impact on the marriage. So love of dunya obsession of wealth will cause marriage problems in terms of many issues, in terms of comparing your marriages with other people's marriages. So basically not practicing this really important aspect of Islam.

00:51:33--> 00:51:37

So the cause is the lack of does get the lack of

00:51:39--> 00:51:54

spiritual reformation. And the court solution is that working on the heart and trying to work on the heart and reform our souls, our hearts our inner, inner inner you know aspect which is called descale.

00:51:55--> 00:51:56


00:51:59--> 00:52:38

not having non reformed hearts and then you know, because love the problems occur because people miss swear they slander. And this takes us to a general thing about practicing Islam. Because you know, marriage is all about Taqwa. You know, when we get married. When we get married, what does the Imam recite the three verses of Taqwa God consciousness, God fear fearing Allah subhanaw taala. Why reminding the husband and the wife and both families that if you want this marriage to be prosperous? The only way is fearing Allah, so both you bride and you the groom? cupola Yeah, you're Latina, Amma tabula you're Latina, Amana Takala. Fear Allah fear Allah fear Allah. Three times

00:52:38--> 00:52:47

reminded us three verses of Taqwa. Why? Because that's the only way you will not have problems in the marriage.

00:52:49--> 00:53:31

Because every time you say something, you do anything you remember, I have to answer Allah subhanaw taala. Before you speak to your wife, the way you speak, the tone you're using, the manner you're speaking. You think, Wait, every letter word I need to justify it in the court of Allah. This is the poor, everything I say. The angels are recording. The way I'm dealing with my spouse and you're recording Allah will question me forget my spouse. I am worried about Allah first and foremost, violating the rights of my spouse which Allah has commanded me not to violate and fulfill Allah has commanded me to fulfill those rights. So practicing of Islam, taqwa that brings about Baraka in the

00:53:31--> 00:53:45

marriage that brings about blessings in the marriage, still have problems, some problems, like I said, you can't get rid of total problems. That's not dunya. That's the agenda, but generally no overcoming these kind of issues. So these are all kinds of issues,

00:53:46--> 00:53:49

which they there is a solution to Lastly,

00:53:50--> 00:54:04

is something that doesn't have a solution to and the solution is actually before marriage. But then if you get married, and then it occurs, then it's difficult and there's no solution, which is no the non presence of compatibility, the lack of compatibility.

00:54:05--> 00:54:39

For that I delivered many marriage courses where I talk about you know, before getting married, look for compatibility, compatibility in different aspects, in terms of your tastes and interests in life, your your things you like to do in life, even mental compatibility, you know, you need to be on the same wavelength. Sometimes a couple gets married, and they just speak different languages. They might be from the same background. I say this, I've got a saying that some couples, they have the same mother tongue, but they speak different languages. And there's some couples they have different mother tongues, but they speak the same language. In other words, they understand one

00:54:39--> 00:54:45

another. So mentally as well. You know, there needs to be compatibility compatibility.

00:54:46--> 00:54:59

That this is before marriage. The solution is before marriage. You know, you try your best to try to find someone investigate research, find someone who's there's compatibility with, but if you get married and there's no compatibility then

00:55:00--> 00:55:37

The only way Saba or than Islam says, you know, you can separate and go through a divorce. I mean, that's also it's not haram. Divorce is not haram. It's not something evil, sometimes there's nothing, no choice other than divorce. And it's in this kind of cases, you know, where there's, for example, no compatibility or even some other reasons, but when there's no way you can, you know, you've tried the solutions are not working. So these are just some very summarized kind of, you know, causes, you know, I've just not even touched the topic properly. This, you know, each one of them, I could talk for an hour and a half to be honest. And and I haven't mentioned some other ones

00:55:37--> 00:56:06

as well, like, these are, these are the main ones. I think we've talked about five, I don't know, but each one of them, I could talk about it, like at least one and a half hours in a lot of depth and detail with lots of Quranic verses and Hadith. And you know, very detail, the number two, another hour number three, I could go to my 1012. So we need to work out. But we don't live in a time where people want to watch a lecture for 12 hours, people are more interested in Tick Tock 12 seconds. Anyway. And I'm going to just quickly look at your questions.

00:56:08--> 00:56:18

Time is short, we've got a few minutes, I know, I don't know how there's, we've got another Upsala is just now plugged in Chalon concrete, like five minutes, delayed slightly payments should be fine as well each other.

00:56:22--> 00:56:31

And there's some other courses you can take as well, you know, just check in the chat, Inshallah, you can see some of the overlap courses that are being related kind of courses.

00:56:35--> 00:56:40

Why did people before were better than us? And how can we increase our civilization

00:56:41--> 00:57:22

that we need to plug in the brain? Now, the reason is that because of the surroundings, we are in one of the reasons is social media, you know, we are accustomed to social media people, you know, it's the way we are being brought up. And the way we are seeing things around us. And it has an impact on us how people around us have an impact. So everyone's just rubbing off on each other. So you're seeing people online, you know, you are looking at billions of people, you know, I've said this, that the human being wasn't designed to be connected 200 200 300 people together into the brain at one given goal. Human was designed to talk to one person, you know, your, your, your

00:57:22--> 00:57:33

attention is one or two or three people at one given time right now, our attention was constantly on social media and internet and like hundreds of people at the same time, with so much going on with our brains.

00:57:34--> 00:57:43

That's another topic. So because something you know, we see so many different things than water, and the lack of patience, with all these things come about. That's one of the reasons.

00:57:45--> 00:58:19

And also the fast moving life that we see. People used to live, they used to the food days to eat, they used to live in urban areas, or they used to live like, you know, outskirts, they used to have a calm, peaceful life, they used to have an impact on them. It wasn't fast, busy life as well. You know, they used to eat organic chicken as well. And these to eat organic food and everything was nice and slow. And so they bodies were nice and slow as well. You know, they still go outside and just relax a bit. That also has an impact. So there's lots of things. Okay.

00:58:20--> 00:58:23

Can the volume be increased? That should be in the chat? Sorry.

00:58:24--> 00:58:57

We are told our patients but when is the good time to walk out of the toxic marriage? It is difficult to say each marriage is different. Yes, summer is important. But like you're saying, of course, there's an extensive limit. Islam doesn't say that just do somebody even if you if your husband or your wife just kills you? No, of course not. You know, there's a boundary there's a limit. But when it's a good time, it's difficult. Each marriage is difficult. You know, there's no one simple golden answer, or a generic answer. It's difficult. No, you have to look at each case and see when

00:58:59--> 00:59:01

a person should end the marriage.

00:59:03--> 00:59:15

What is the advice to men who think oh, I'm gonna makes them better in the sight of Allah. It's wrong. What can you say? You know, if they need to be educated, if some men think that our original color means means the better.

00:59:16--> 00:59:21

That's That's disgusting. This is not it's not your thing like that. In Islam. I don't know where that came from.

00:59:22--> 00:59:43

Being better, there's no concept of being better. In Islam, men being better than when there's no concept like that. It means they are in charge. They are responsible. Yes. They have the final say in a marriage as well. Because they're the Emile Allah has made the man the emir, which means that he but he must act like an Emir as well. But take the responsibility.

00:59:44--> 01:00:00

And, you know, thinking better and abusing them. They need to learn what can you say, you know, they need to learn and they need to be advised and I mean, a lot of them you know, the thing is a lot of the men or even women, when they use Islam, they're not really practicing people. They just

01:00:00--> 01:00:08

Using Islam, it's not really because they're practicing. It's not because of religion. So it's only when it suits them they'll say original our Munna, but then generally, they're not practicing.

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They're not really connected to the deen.

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How is a man different than a woman? Psychologically? Yes, this is a good point, that there's two things here. One is when Islam is seeing differences looking at, generally, that's why the rules are based on general.

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And how, you know, in individual cases, like, for example, physically,

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the man is more, has more strength, that's a general rule. But there are a lot of women that will knock out a woman just give her a punch and just knock the man out, you know, just strangle him possible. You know, this case is in marriage. I've come across cases where the man was beaten up by the wife, there's domestic abuse from women as well. I've come across cases when there's a man he was like he was my wife beats me up, he can't fight with her because he's so strong.

01:01:04--> 01:01:04


01:01:06--> 01:01:23

you know, rules are not based on individual cases, rare cases are less cases, rules in Islam are based on what's general, even in in someone's particular case, if that doesn't apply, you still have to apply the general rule. So that's number one. And basically

01:01:25--> 01:02:03

being more emotional, the man that I've seen more men more emotional than women, etc. So it's what general that's why all the rules of Islam, you know, like, for example, witnesses, you have two female witnesses equals to one male witness. Now, there's a concept behind this because there's differences. But there might be a case that in a particular case that the woman involved in the man involved, it should really be to melee equal to this one woman. There could be cases like that, but Islam doesn't leave each individual scenario that you check in your situation, okay, the rule changes for you, because then it becomes chaotic, and, you know, becomes an anarchy rules being

01:02:03--> 01:02:19

changed. So Islam just looks at what's general overall, and then the rules apply to everybody. Number two, the second way to answer your question is that that's how men should be. But like I said, you say that you've seen men more emotional, etc, etc.

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A lot of the things and like I said, Men are changing, and women are changing. Because of the society we're in. It's, it's the nature's of being changed.

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Especially when it comes to love. I mean, that's different, you know, emotional, and when it comes to love, it's different. I mean, showing love, etc. Maybe you're confusing, emotional love as well.

01:02:44--> 01:03:03

Emotion, emotional means, like, the very nature I'm talking about when you talk about emotion, not talking about love is talking about very easily being affected. Very, very sensitive. Women are generally more sensitive than men. Women easily cry, you know, some men, they, they do cry, but they don't cry as easily as women.

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Women get scared quickly than men. I mean, you know, this is what I mean by emotional.

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Sometimes women cry,

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and they don't know why they cry themselves. That's been case, there'll be some systems here. And then sometimes I feel like crying today. I don't know why I just feel like crying. What's the reason now that the man doesn't understand why you cry, but like, what's the reason? There's no reason it's fine. Being a woman that's being a woman, a woman sometimes just feels like, it's just so things like that emotional, you know, bit sensitive, more sensitive than men. Like, the man might say something in a way and woman feel very sensitive, and very easily feel offended by it. But the same thing the woman will say to the man, and he'll just brush it off. Things like that.

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Does a woman have women have more show up for a man or only the men have shown both up show for each other show I mean, sexual desire, both have sexual, but as difference, the diff, there's a difference in the sexual sexual desire of a man and difference in sexual desire of a woman. And I don't have the time, but I need to like 10 minutes to explain difference between the two.

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They both have session desires, but it's very different.

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We are living in a society where a man can pick you out from his house in a second and your parents ask you to stay with him in any circumstances. So shouldn't be a woman empowered enough so that she can be breadwinner for our kids at peace?

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Even this word like empowered and stuff like that, it's just it's ingrained in our brains the way because we've been brought up by this

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you see, the whole issue is that the issue is that the whole thing comes in a package when I'm talking about all of this, or if you take isolated things here and there is always going to show that there's something wrong here or something wrong there.

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You know, when we talk about

01:05:00--> 01:05:17

Islam Islam is a comprehensive way of life. So it's a package. And all of these things, you know, the whole of Islam. That's why a lot of the times when there's problems is because people are picking and choosing of Islam, aspects of Islam and that's always going to say okay, but this is happening. So why shouldn't this happen?

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When we look at Islam, we act as if the whole of Islam as a package is acted upon, then this applies. So basically, everything you know, the man takes on the responsibility of being a man, the woman all of it together. You know, the man takes the role of being a man, he's a practicing man. He's got dusky, he's got Toccoa, the fear of Allah. He's passionate about the deen and he's very, very practicing. And a woman as well. She's practicing. She's got Taqwa. And she's got does care, and they reformed themselves. And the man fears Allah and he doesn't, he's not going to just kick her out and things like that. So all of this as a package.

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Now saying that, you know, if you think that, you know, you don't trust your husband, as a practicing man, or someone who fears Allah, then maybe in a case, I mean, it's not haram, you know, to to work. I mean, that's if somebody's like, that's why Islam allows it, but if you want if someone wants to do that, and they don't trust the man they wearing, and they think that this man

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could be a bad man, then you know, it's fine. I mean, there's nothing wrong and in that case,

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just earn a bit. She doesn't she's not the bread would like to complain. Basically, she can earn a bit for our kids, but the kids is like, the man's responsibility. Everything the man has to provide, she doesn't have to provide don't spoil the man, like put it on his head, like I'm not giving you have to give

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I'm gonna say you can do your best.

01:06:53--> 01:07:20

Yeah, it's true. But you know, I think I'm gonna you know, I've always said, After delivering a lot of detail marriage courses, people have asked me that was one, you know, lines, like one line summary. If you talk about marriage, one line summary. One advice I've said always that marriage is all about giving. If everyone goes into marriage, I know this is easier said than done. But just think about it for a moment. It's, you know, in Islam,

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everything we do, is for the sake of Allah. It's not even for the person that we're doing it for even our children, even our spouse, it's all for the sake of Allah. You know, even relatives, even friends, when we are good to people, we are fulfilling the rights of others. We think it's a responsibility that Allah has given me I'm not waiting for return. There's a hadith in Sahih al Bukhari, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says that the real maintain of ties is not someone who maintains ties when others maintain ties,

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while Akindele Walsall, Allah the the CO Tiara him who was real maintaining of ties, when others are not fulfilling your rights, you still fulfill them for the sake of Allah. So I said this, that if marriage becomes all about giving, each party says like, you know what, I am entering this marriage, not for myself, not for my rights, not for my sexual desire, not for my, you know, pleasure, my gain my desires, my wants my wishes, I am going in this marriage, to just give

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for the sake of Allah, I'm not going to wait for a return. Yes, of course, if it gets too much, then you can't do something, then that's a different case. But I am just there and I will take all my reward in the after

01:08:33--> 01:09:15

each party does that. Someone has to start each party and normally, when one party does that, becomes a giver. Normally 97% of the time, the other party will automatically become a giver as well unless you've married an animal or a beast or somebody. But generally human beings. When someone is treating you so much, God in the best of ways, like giving everything and they're not wanting anything in return, the other party automatically just reciprocate. It's a basic human nature. And it all becomes giving. It's all about giving. It's like you know, two people going to the door so you go first. No, no, you go first. You go first, like no, no, you go like that in marriage. No, no,

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you don't have to do this. No, no, you don't do this. You don't have to cook I'll cook No, no, no, you don't cook, I'll cook.

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You know, everything becomes about giving. I know I'm living. I'm talking about like a very fantasy sounds fantasy. I know. But people don't try it. That's why it sounds fun. No, is difficult but once once the old idea of Allah they become so connected to Allah for them. It's all about the pleasure of Allah, this smile for Allah, even a smile with somebody, it's not for them.

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That everything they do, this is a high level of spirituality. Like I said, if the deen is acted upon properly once we get to those high levels of spirituality, then then we see that marriages and generally life and interactions between people

01:10:00--> 01:10:01

Come really amazing

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how can we let them men see how that money is our money concept in Islam is an illness called cause some men see it as I didn't understand.

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Tell them where your money is your money.

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Tell them

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what happens if the man that man does not provide for the wife, even though he's capable and asked the wife not to work.

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He doesn't provide as the wife not to work, she goes ahead and work so she can provide for us it's not a sin. It's not a sin to work first of all, Okay, number two, if he's not providing then of course, like you know, even if he says don't work, there's no reason he's not fulfilling responsibility you try to make him fulfill responsibility if he isn't.

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But remember this this is not when your expectations are great. Like he's fulfilling your responsibility man providing meaning giving you food accommodation, shelter basic.

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Not the 14th handbag and the 15th pair of shoes and the 16th You know, brand, name, cardigan, etc. Of course, that's not their basic if it's providing basic then he's fulfilling this responsibility

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can the program times AC has been extended rather safe? Shall I need to go in like few minutes now? Maximum few minutes?

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What do you mean by opposite of helping in regards to family member helping the married couple? In other words, that you're complicating the situations rather than going and giving them good sincere advice and making the you know the problem? Small, some people go and they try to help and they make the problem even great.

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So that's what I meant.

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was the one should lower the expectations before and cause for example, if the car is written that Thomas shouldn't have been due for assist?

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He's not like I mean, we're talking about noting he doesn't do those earrings for his wife shopping loan. Okay. Now a lot of these things, you know, sometimes what happens? Okay, I'll address that question. But a lot of times what happens is, again, it's more like you know, sometimes

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I'm not saying in this case, but sometimes it's just like, why is it doing for her and not for me, like, am I not important it becomes more like an ego. Again, a lot of these problems go back to that. The jealousy the ego, like sometimes, you know, I remember a case of the wife didn't know, something that the husband was doing for his mother or somebody and she was okay for it for 10 years. And the moment you found out that he's been doing that it's like you know, why you don't do it for me and then it came became a massive problem. To wait 10 years you didn't even know about it wasn't a problem. It was more like it's just the ego jealousy all this spiritual disease. Okay, but

01:12:54--> 01:13:30

if in a particular case there is something I forget what he does for his sisters or not, that's not what you don't have to worry about that. What he's doing for his sisters or his mother or his friend or his granddad or his dad or No, he's not doing it. Okay, that you don't need to look at that. As a wife, you need to look at is he fulfilling your rights? Don't even look at what he's doing for his sisters. Don't compare Oh, he's doing that Aaron Francis, then it becomes more ego kind of stuff. It's like jealousy and spiritual disease. Forget that Mashallah. Do as much for your sister No, inshallah I don't care I don't mind you know, do for the whole humanity. May Allah reward you and

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take your gender and take me with you as well if you do it, no problem. But yeah, but what I need to know is in this marriage, are you fulfilling my rights? Yes, is fulfilling my rights handler not fulfilling my rights, you need to fulfill my rights, and then bring that up. Forget about what he's doing for other people.

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Okay, now I'm going to go Inshallah, that's it. Two minutes.

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purifying the heart. There's lots of books there's one book called Path

01:14:00--> 01:14:09

to perfection path to perfection, check on Amazon. Google. Path to perfection, Chef mercy Holohan? I think it's from widespread press. Good, good book.

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Okay, I can't answer all the rest of the questions because now I really need to confirm our

01:14:18--> 01:14:24

compatibility can be worked upon in cases sometimes it can't. It's possible. It's not that it's completely gone out of the window.

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Cost of living of course, I understand. But there's one thing I'll say here that cost of living is there but our expectations are huge as well. You know, some people before in earlier times they should just sleep on the floor and have like a very modest type of garden this is to have a hole maybe not to house is to love one another just sleep anywhere and you know, be together happy no massive expectation today our expectations will be the wife wants a lot. The husband wants a lot. We just want you know, so that we can also be an issue. But of course the cost of

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01:15:00--> 01:15:00

is far greater

01:15:03--> 01:15:20

Should I marry anymore? All these kind of questions it just depends on two people there's no one generic kind of engineer or engineering woman or a scholar scholar you know, there's no one answer it depends on the people each human being is different every item is different to another Halim every item is different to evaluate. So there's no one answer.

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Okay, I'm just going to ensure that we're just looking one last question

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cuz quite a few inshallah. But I think we'll have to stop there. Because time is up in sha Allah.

01:15:41--> 01:15:48

Does that go ahead all of you each other. And maybe we call these questions. We could also do another session, maybe part two of this. Maybe you shall well, maybe

01:15:49--> 01:16:05

we can do part two and then the same questions. We can go through them as well. And because I can lock in, Allah bless all of you. And yeah, those who haven't played mother have just please quickly prove otherwise. I'm just gonna play with a couple of people here. And do My Joomla challenge is not gonna last too long.