Taboos Regarding Marriage

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Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Episode Notes

Hong Kong 13/04/2019

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah, who Allah, Allah, he was happy.

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We are always thankful to Allah subhanho wa Taala. We send blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we praise Allah upon all conditions, and we actually praise Him more when things don't happen the way we want them to happen. And the reason I say this is because many people become depressed when things don't happen the way they want it to happen, not realizing that the ultimate owner and the boss is Allah subhanho wa Taala. So if he has decided, listen, I know better than you what is best for you just say Alhamdulillah two times, trust him and carry on. You don't know what the future holds and hamdulillah. As for brother while he lost his weight by saying

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Alhamdulillah many, many times.

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So we thank Allah subhanho wa Taala for that, and we ask Allah to make it easy. I almost didn't recognize him the first time I saw him after I called him a teddy bear. And I think that was a motivation for him. He said, Oh, if I'm a teddy bear, I better sort this out. May Allah make it easy. The topic we have is something very, very interesting. You know, my brothers and sisters, when you don't have children, you realize the value of children, may Allah bless those without children with children say I mean,

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even if you're not married, and you say I mean, it's an all inclusive. If I say Oh, Allah grant me a pious offspring, and I'm not yet married. It means give me a wife or a husband first, that who will be the coolness of my eyes, and then the children. So it's a better to add to just make it to ask for it for good children. Right? Bella, make it easy. My brothers, my sisters, the children are not mine. They are not yours. They belong to Allah, Who do you belong to? And this address is going to be one of the most important addresses on this topic that I have delivered. Because people forget that they themselves do not belong to anyone but Allah, Who do you belong to? How would you like it

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if someone decided every day what shoes you're gonna wear, what you're gonna do what everything else for you, you can say To hell with this person, even if it's your own wife or husband every day, they must decide what you're gonna do. Every detail of it and the most important things from them, you will be very, very upset. There will come a time when you become depressed, you're sad because you will actually think to yourself, how on earth can someone have a say in my freedom?

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Subhanallah you get irritated. So Allah subhanho wa Taala says, We are all the creatures of is, we are the creatures of Allah. We are owned by whom? By Allah. When someone passes away, we generally say in the law, he were in la hora de Roon. Don't we say that? What does it mean? Indeed we belong to Allah and out unto him We shall return. Sorry, what did you just say? Indeed, we belong to?

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Why didn't we say indeed we belong to our parents.

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In a way, it wouldn't have been so wrong. But the belonging to your parents is a very temporary and limited belonging. It's only Allah Who gave you the opportunity to say my child for a short space of time, before the child came into existence. You did not even have a clue. You were praying for the child, from whom? The owner, the true owner, the one who already had and who has all goodness, He is Allah. So you asked him, Allah give me Why are you asking Allah to give you a child? Because you know, I can't do anything. It's he who gives? So when you have the child whose child is it? Yes, biologically, it's yours but from a creation perspective. It allows we belong to Allah. That's why

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when Ibrahim the son of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam died in the hands of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam. He said in Allah Hema, Allah Huma Qureshi in Davao be a jolly Muslim man, indeed to Allah belongs, whatever he has taken away, it was always his you cannot get angry with Allah. If I give you something I say my brother, I'm going to Hutch please keep my house. The here are the keys. A day will come when I'll come back from Hajj and say give me back my keys, right? It's not yours forever. Subhana Allah, unless it's a nice cozy house and you really say how please, you know, I'll make it easy for us and grandpa's genitals or they'll say I mean, so my brothers and sisters,

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you got to give them what's not yours back. That's

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evidence and prove that it is not yours. If it is not yours, why did Allah give you that child? My beloved parents, and I'm saying parents will go a lot of you are looking quite young Mashallah tabarrok Allah, but this perhaps will go far and wide Subhanallah someday across the globe, those of you who are parents, my beloved parents, the children are known in Islam as an Amana. Amana means a trust, you know what the trust means? The one who gave you the trust will instruct you what to do with the trust, and you're not allowed to do anything but what the true owner wants you to do.

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So when I have a child, what should I do to the child, I should only do what Allah has allowed me to do. That's it. I give you the example of hygiene. When a person goes for hygiene and gives you their keys of the car and says, look, please, can you use the car while I'm gone? for hot? Are you allowed to change the paint and change the mag wheels and change everything? And when they come back? They see a totally different car? They'll tell you what did you do? Right? How did you mess this thing up here, I didn't tell you to do all of this. They might even depending on who you are, who they are, they might take legal action against you for having done something that you are not mandated to do.

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The same applies to the children that we have. They belong to Allah, Allah tells you what you're allowed to do what you're not allowed to do. And you have to do what Allah allows you only, if you do anything more than that you are at a loss.

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So right at the beginning, you give the child a name, Mashallah, you will close the child with good clothing, and you have ownership of almost everything connected to the child, child is helpless. When the child was born, Allah says, we will give you a nice time, one, two years, you can do what you want to do. But make sure it's good. Because a time will come when we will take away the control that you have from meaning of the child from you. Take it away. That's why when you're little, when you are little,

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it's very easy to please you, or let's read it in a different way. When your child is little, it's very easy to please the child, the minute the child grows a little bit older, it becomes more difficult to please the child, the same toy that used to make the child happy and laugh and giggle and get so excited when the child was a few months old will actually be a toy that becomes redundant and irrelevant. Once the child is two, three years old.

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They won't want it anymore. Why? It's Allah showing you we taking this control away from you, while you have it mold the child, we're going to take it away. When the child goes to the first school who chooses

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the parents choose, you will go to this school. When the child goes to college Dad, I don't want to go to this college. No ways it's impossible. I'm not going here. Suddenly, you're becoming a big head, right? You want to tell me what to do. So hannula if you had communication with the child and cooperation with the child and love with the child, and you spend time on with the children rather than with your phone, etc, etc, you would be able to manage the child's life with the pleasure of the child. The child would say, Dad, can you help me? I need to choose the university. That's, I think, you know, let's look at this one. Yes. Yeah, that's a very good idea. Look, we're talking. So

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Pamela, what happened? Because you managed it correctly from the beginning, the child communicates with you.

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You must be thinking, we're talking about first marriages here, what's going on? We're getting there. If you had a powerful relationship with your child from the beginning, the child will not make big decisions without you.

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That today, I went to college, oh, I saw this girl. You know, how many of our kids can say that to us. We're living in the real world A few years ago, it's absurd. But today, they will see the opposite sex, they will end up having relationships with them, they will decide they want to marry them. They everything is done. Now they're too scared to approach the parents. And when they approach the parents, there is kiama in the house, small Israel feel blue, a little trumpet in the house.

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Why? Because there was a breakdown of communication. That's the bottom line, breakdown of communication in your house, you have failed as parents and they have not been guided as children.

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But day one, when they see something, they should be free enough to come and tell you, especially today in this world, that oh, I went to school, I just I need help. You know what, I don't know what's going on. There's someone I really, really like. Now you can talk to them and explain the difference between a crush and what's not a crush and so on. Right? You can explain to them what marriage is all about. And that should have happened a little bit earlier. People say when should we talk to our children about marriage when they start talking about marriage to each other at 678 910? Right? It's getting earlier

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Earlier 10 1213, I was reading stats in one country, they say, the kids, the majority of them are sexually active at the age of 14. And I was like what? See a 14. So it's being revised downwards as time is passing some of the modern ultra modern countries panela, they're facing an issue, they don't really consider it an issue for them. People can do what they want Subhanallah but as Muslims, surely we should guide our kids. Look, you know what, when you're marrying, you're actually looking for the father or mother of your children. They should have good qualities, they should have this, they should have that. So people always ask, What does Islam teach? How should I get married?

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There is no one specific way of doing it. But Allah says, make it as easy as possible. And remember, the child needs to want to marry

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who they are married. Did you hear that? That's the primary condition. The child needs to want to marry who they are married, the minute they don't want it. You as a parent are a failure, or you are as a guardian or a failure. And something in the system is so wrong, that you have contributed to the rotting of society, the rotting of society. What is the divorce rate today? Huge, why? many different reasons. Some people, they marry themselves, but they didn't know why we are getting married. They were marrying simply to have sex. That's all. And I'm sorry to say this, we have to admit it and talk about it because it's a reality. People say, you know what, we have to do nica.

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Why? Because we don't want to do Haram. You know what that means? I just need to sleep with you. That's all and call it halaal for a moment. Sorry, I'm sorry to say this, but we're talking about taboos, right. taboos are things people don't like to talk about. Here they are.

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Yeah, that's what it is. It's a reality. People come to us. But you know, what, if you if we don't get this nigga than Haram is gonna happen. Keep quiet, bear suburb, go and fast go and do other things. You don't just say, Oh, you know, it's like a bottle of alcohol. You don't call this apple juice colors. I'm gonna drink it anyway, you know, some of

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you don't do that. What's gonna happen? You're gonna end up marrying for the wrong reasons.

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You end up marrying for the wrong reasons. The prophet SAW Selim says when you marry, you look at several things. Yes, there needs to be a spark a spark meaning there needs to be some form of physical attraction. Definitely. And this is why the days of the samosa run are irrelevant, redundant and unacceptable. You know what that means? You know, what's a samosa run?

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So I want to get married. So I sit here, and I'm waiting in the lounge and suddenly, someone comes to give me some tea and they give the tea and I have like, 30 seconds to decide. Yeah, she's good, man. Okay, so then which is going to say what do you think she's okay. Nicola has on Friday, inshallah. Let's go to some Busan.

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Let's go to some Busan. And that's how a lot of us got married. Sorry to say, am I right?

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I can hear a few yeses, the others escape. May Allah grant us goodness. But that's what used to happen a lot. You had no choice you could only see. And what you could see was just very brief, no talking No, nothing. If you said please, can I speak for at least 10 1520 minutes once, twice, three times, the

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hours will be law. Don't you believe in istikhara, you make a secara Subhan. Allah.

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You know what? Islam allows you and recommends that you sit and talk to this person. You see them properly. You can see them properly, top to bottom, talk to them. If and you must speak to them respectfully. We are not saying that you need to get into one bedroom and talk there for about three days. No, but you speak in the presence of someone nearby. They don't have to sit right there and listen to everything you were saying. But the door is open. Perhaps there are a few people here and they're walking around and you're sitting and you're discussing what are you talking about? Make sure that discussion doesn't become low and cheap. It needs to be a proper discussion, what's your

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outlook in life, you know, your patience and so on whatever else What's your dream and a list of things that's not my topic today, but you need to meet them if you're not yet happy. You can say look, I'd like to meet this person again your parents and her parents need to facilitate the second meeting and the third and the 10th also, but there is something you need to know the minute you are off it you need to say look a Mashallah Jazakallah here. I really I've met a few times and I this is not the right thing for me. May Allah bless you and bless me and we shall we go our own ways respectfully, and you're gone. What happened? The moment I knew this is not gonna happen or it's not

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a good idea. I dropped it respectfully and I carried on but

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for as long as I had some hope, and I felt Yes, I still want to, you know, get to know this person. There is a potential wife here or husband here. I can request another meeting and the third

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My parents need to facilitate that. Let me word it another way.

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I need to facilitate that for my children. So

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if I say my parents now it's gone other days, Mashallah.

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But yes, you need to facilitate it. And if your child comes to you and says, You know, I met someone online Dad, I need you to find out more about this person who's

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never gonna let it happen. It's out of a question. The world has changed. It's not haram to marry someone you met online, but the chances are, there could be a lot of deception online. That's why your parents, instead of actually guiding you to say, Look, I don't mind but you know what, you could be deceived. You know, according to you, it's a 12 year old meaning it's a, you know, 20 year old person, but it's actually a 17 year old man behind the scenes pretending to be 20 years old, it's happening. It can happen, you could be deceived. So take it seriously, if your child has taken something seriously in his or her heart, and you don't help them in a proper, respectful,

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respectable, convincing way.

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They're going to live with a scar for the rest of their lives. The rest of they'll say, my dad, I don't forgive him. I don't, even if they are married one day and they're gone, they will still have something in the back of their minds to say, you know what, my father? No way. I can't forgive him. What he did to me was totally wrong.

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Why? Because you didn't rise to the occasion. When we talk of arranged marriages, there are two types of few types of arranged marriages. If it is an arranged introduction, it is good. But if it is an arranged marriage, without any say, of the parties involved, it is haram, did you hear what I just said? It's prohibited, forbidden. I cannot decide for you Listen, you are my daughter, I'm telling you, this cousin of yours is the guy you're going to marry. But you know what? Let's face reality.

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When we are born on a different continent, in a different country, with a different culture with a different schooling, with a different language, with a different upbringing with a different society, we may not be able to get along with the same ethnicity who comes from the roots we came from, because they're from the village, they don't understand the mentality. They don't perhaps understand much. We hardly speak that language anymore. We don't even agree and adopt the norms and the culture of our original place of perhaps ethnicity. But we're living in another society, our folks Expect us no way you have to marry that guy. When he comes. There's no communication, there is

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nothing happening. There is no you know, there is this wrong understanding if that's the case, my brothers and sisters, we need to wake up to many people are suffering every day I receive and many other scholars and many counselors received emails upon emails of people complaining about how they've been conned and duped and forced into marriages that they never ever wanted to be a part of. And they are crying and weeping. And they get children who are lost because mom is having an affair, because she's not satisfied and dad is having 10 affairs because he's not satisfied. And for your information, affairs have been made easier than getting married because we have turned away from the

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deal. That's why

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in Islam nikka is supposed to be easy. Today, we make it so hard. What's the culture? All right, we're getting engaged. So you got to make 20 parcels, you've got to buy this type of a ring. You've got to take so much of money, we've got to have a big party, the parties of those engagements are bigger than the weddings of others. SubhanAllah and you know what, a lot of the times those are the marriages that have no Baraka in them, no Baraka zero Baraka. Why? Because you just did the transgression of Allah on the day that Allah blessed you with the completion of half of your Eman according to a certain duration.

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What are you celebrating? you're celebrating the goodness of your tech deal. What Allah has brought forth for you, the future in sha Allah, the seed of your children and your progeny, your Eman, you're celebrating In what way? Well, short sleeves, nothing on miniskirt dancing around alcohol. I know of people Muslims who cater for those who drink no problem. We have the alcohol on the side we'll have we'll pay people to come and commit every haram that is in the dictionary in order to come and bless through the devil's blessings our own waiting and then we want Baraka

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so we have an Imam who comes in recite the Quran before we start doing all the Haram what an insult to Allah and His Word. You rather not have had that Quranic recitation at the beginning of the harem. It's like saying, right, we're about to commit every Haram in the book, but we want you to come here and please read the Quran here. For what? Nobody's dressed appropriately. They

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Helter Skelter and cover themselves to listen for one second or five, a few words of the Quran and once the Quran is over, it's like free for all mo Luigi, you can now go. It's a reality. Chef, none you can leave now Why? I'm sure you wouldn't want to be here

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because of what is or what's about to happen. But what are we celebrating? We're celebrating. Imagine, we celebrating a gift of Allah. It's like the day of the day over it is a celebration of the Battle of Ramadan. But that's the day of Haram. That's the day people commit adultery as well. That's the day people go and do that which is wrong.

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But it's the day of Allah gave you a day to be happy. You're making yourself happy through the anger of the same creator who gave you the day of happiness? Whoa, Subhana Allah.

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So here comes your child, Subhana Allah. And you've made it so difficult, because now if that man doesn't phone me doesn't communicate with me, it doesn't come to me, I'm never ever going to put my head down to go to him. Why? In Islam, there is no restriction as to which side should ask the other.

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It can be the female side saying, you know what, we've got a daughter, we'd like her to marry your son and so on.

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You can have the man himself come to you and say, Uncle, you know what, I really am interested in your daughter. What do you think?

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Yeah, but it's a reality. Islam allows that the Sahaba did it. But culturally, no way. If your father, grandfather, great grandfather doesn't come from the grave, we're not going to take you, whoa.

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This is what's happening in society, you wanted your way only know the young boy, you can go to him and say, You know what, son, I've got a daughter Are you married? That is called arranged marriage by introduction only. So what's what's arranged is only the introduction.

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Let me quickly spend a minute explaining that

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when the introduction is arranged, that means I will let the to meet for the first time.

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And then I can let them meet the second time and the third time and the fourth time. And then they can decide whether they want to go ahead or not that arrangement, the arrangement was only to do with the introduction. That's it.

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I didn't arrange the marriage. But I arranged the introduction. After that introduction, SubhanAllah. They chose they decided or they let it go.

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But you know what, there was a time and they still is, and they still are people and societies and communities who give their kids no choice in this regard. They are doomed. They are doomed.

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And they think they're educated and the worst thing they think they are following a last command

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by saying, Listen, when you were five years old, I already promised my brother that you will be marrying his son. This topic has been closed. What? What a topics closed when we were five.

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You know, Allah subhanho wa Taala wants you to hang on.

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See the person once they've grown up, they may be the biggest drunkard on earth. And you've just promised. So you want to fulfill your promise, and you don't mind oppressing your child who's interested in the dean who's interested in totally different things. Just because you made a promise and your ego is not allowing you to drop it down. A true man is he who can stand up for his children, especially his daughters. That's a true man. And there are very few true men. I can count them on my hands. My hands. Yeah.

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Very few true men who can stand up for their daughters and say, Listen, if my daughter doesn't want this, it's not going to happen, goodbye, clothes.

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If she wants this, and there's nothing wrong with it, it's going to happen. And that's another problem. Sometimes people want to marry people. I can give you my own example, my own example.

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My child came to me telling me you know what this this person I'd like you to look into.

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Obviously, every parent has dreams for his or her children.

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And our dreams are all inshallah we'll have you know a person like this and like that, and this will happen but Allah knows nothing is going to happen. According to you. I started this talk by saying when things do not happen, according to you say Alhamdulillah two times they're happening better than what you dreamt of for as long as you following Allah and you following the guidance. So my daughter wants to marry someone I don't even know. Where did you meet online

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Right, what do I do as a parent? I have to say, hang on. Let me go back to the Quran and the Sunnah and see what teaching Allah has taught me. Allah taught me either attacco mentor, Donna Dena, hula, hula hoop. So we do a lot of conflict not until a certain area when some proposition has come to you, and the person happens to be of sound, the dean, and as luck, two things, the religious level is acceptable, and the character and conduct is exemplary and good. Let it happen for as long as the two of them want it to happen. So these are the three conditions, the dean should be good, which means the religious level, the character level should be very good, right. And the third thing, the

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two of them should want it to happen.

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If these three things are met, Allah says that it happened.

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Now I go back to what I said right at the beginning. So I tell myself, as much as I had a dream for this child, or whatever it might have been, the child actually belongs to Allah. Allah is watching me to see whether I do what my whims and fancies and ego want me to do, or whether I'm going to do what is actually right to do. And what is right to do is what Allah wants me to do. I looked at the dean, I looked at the both of them wanted, and I said, inshallah, it will happen. I made them the happiest people in the world. Why? Because I follow the law. I didn't follow myself, my culture, my family, my brother, most of us are worried. What will they say?

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What will they say?

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You know what they will say? When they want to do something, they won't give a damn what you say. They will do it, but you're worried what will they say? set the record goes straight. I'm talking of my own children, when I got them married Subhanallah I didn't care where the the person was from or what what I tried my best to follow exactly what we were taught, put everything aside until family members came to me and said, Mashallah, you've opened the door for us, you've shown us how to do it.

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You've shown us how to do it. But if we were all chickens, chickens, we would become genetically modified in a short space of time.

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Yeah, real chickens. I swear. You know, at least the chicken makes backpack but we don't even do the bug bug. We're so worried about what's the rooster going to say? Yeah.

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Allah forgive us, be a man be strong be a true person. People are looking at Islam, and thinking it's a bad faith because of us. People say Oh, these Muslims, you know, they just force marry force marry is haram. In Islam. It's forbidden. If the two people don't want it, that marriage is not even valid. And there are so many modern educated PhD people who are doing this to their children. Allah Hey,

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how

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you will face the wrath of Allah, you share you have a share in the punishment of sins that may be committed as a result of you having thrown them into such a deep end.

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Allah forgive us.

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So my brothers and sisters, number one, make marriage easy number to guide your children communicate with them so that they are not deceived by what's happening across the globe, especially online. Like I said, online, you could have a person cheating your daughter cheating your son completely. Sometimes they're not even who they say they are. A lot of the times, in fact, but if you have no guidance, they will. If you have no guidance between you and your children, they will probably drop and falter and lose as a result of that.

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May Allah forgive us open our doors and keep making things easy. If you make halaal easy for your children, Allah will make your entry into general very, very easy. Those children will give you two hours upon hours upon hours upon. Now I want to come to one more issue. Say your child wants to marry someone from a family you don't like. I don't like this family.

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I don't like him why I did business with them 25 years ago and that guy he stole $100 of mine.

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You can't marry them.

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So can Allah Subhana Allah have a big heart? If the matter is not a major matter? Number one, my beloved children. If your folks are having a major problem with some other family, please try and avoid

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falling into that family. It's going to be tough on your family. They're going to tell you please choose because the matter is a major issue. So we love our children, make sure you've understood that a little bit. At least don't put your parents into a position where they are compromised. That's fair to say. We cannot just talk to the parents and tell them let it happen. Let it happen. And the father says but he's a snake you can see he's a snake somehow Allah and they've done this and they which means

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The character and conduct the level of character and conduct is not up to scratch or the level of Dean is not up to scratch, your father has a right to say, I don't really support this. Why? Because I'm following Allah. And these things are wrong. This person is x, y, and Zed. But my beloved father, there are another two things you need to know. It's either true, or it's just a rumor. It's just a rumor. Many of us, you know, it's difficult to get married, there's a shortage of good men, did you know that there is a shortage of good men? Just count them here, there are less. So many empty seats, all the good men are missing, you see,

00:30:33--> 00:30:44

there is a shortage of good men. And marriage is becoming more and more difficult. Those who have daughters know this SubhanAllah. And this is why what we say is, sometimes

00:30:45--> 00:30:49

sometimes, are you ready to listen to this? ready to listen to this?

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Sometimes we may have to let our children marry who we think they're actually making a mistake by marrying, if it's not such a massive mistake, because sometimes by them learning through error is better for them in the long run, than by them being psychologically totally depressed, and even going mentally disturbed due to you having blocked them totally without discussion.

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It's a very deep statement only if you're a counselor, you'll understand what I'm saying.

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You know, what we do sometimes, we say, No way, this is not going to happen. You can't marry this person, why? Look at them, they belong to this culture and that culture, they're like this and like that, you know what? Sometimes you might just want to let it go try speak. mention your points, say why you are saying no, why you are not so happy with it, and then say, look, I might not be so happy. But really, if this is what you want. If this is really what you want, then you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to let it happen. But I don't want you to have kids for two years, if possible.

00:31:53--> 00:31:54

There's nothing wrong with that.

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There's nothing wrong with that. You can hold back if your marriage is suffering turbulence and you're about to divorce, the scholars have mentioned this people I remember when I said this the last time someone said we were born in order to you know, reproduce and so on. You don't just reproduce St. Kitts, please, you don't. If you know your marriage is not going to work. You don't even know whether this person is fit to be the father of your children. You can hold back if you're in captivity, you can hold back Go and read what Allah ma have written. They have said you can hold back contraception that is reversible is permissible. We're talking about taboos by the way.

00:32:29--> 00:33:05

Yes, if it is for financial struggles and so on, the Quran tells you don't worry, Allah will provide don't do that, that we agree, will attack you know Allah coming in law to Allah, Allah, you don't kill your children because of poverty or fear of poverty. This is neither poverty nor fear of poverty. This is fear of this man and his character and conduct and the fact that we're either living in captivity or in an environment where it's become difficult to raise the children or in an environment where to have more than one children every few years is not going to be possible for the mothers who become weaker and weaker over time. Our parents used to have children like popcorn.

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But Mashallah with us. It can't be the older generation 567 810 Kids today you ask someone how many kids they will tell you one or two and they're still struggling? May Allah make it easy for all of us.

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Thank Allah. So to hold back is not wrong in Islam. Like I said, reversible contraception under certain circumstances, there's nothing wrong with that. You need to understand it's not prohibited. Would you rather have a kid who's going to have a totally broken home going from pillar to post swearing you every day then to not have had the child in the first place?

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So I say, look, you can get married. avoid having kids for the first two years when you know, you can have kids later, after one year she's back home divorced hamdulillah I welcome you. I hug you. It's okay. Many people have been divorced. The Sahaba of the Allahu anhu. Almost all of them went through divorce. Did you ever know that? No. Do you know why they didn't make a big deal of it? Today one divorce in society and like I said, kiama has come divorce divorce. Another thing what's wrong with a divorced woman or a divorced man?

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I went through divorce myself many many years back did it make me a bad person? Did it make my ex wife a bad person? No, we simply didn't get along two totally different people one like Ferrari and the other one like Bugatti it's over.

00:34:29--> 00:34:59

It doesn't mean that we were bad people. But the divorce happened big deal. So kinda lots. You might say How could you say divorce is a big deal. What I mean is if your child is divorced, embrace them. Don't make them feel unwanted. Even in society. People make a divorce. He feel like he or she is someone who's not even allowed to be touched yet. The Sahaba of the Allahu anhu married those who are divorced, so much so that one of the companions told one of his friends you know, I divorced this woman, but she's such a good woman. I'm sure that she would get along with you. She didn't get along with me.

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How would you say that today when your ex wants to get married you phone and you say, you don't know, you're getting yourself into a big knot, you know, I was there. How can you listen to what someone's ex had to say? And believe it,

00:35:15--> 00:35:38

all of it, especially when they're talking nonsense, it's not evidence based. Now normally I tell people when you want to get married and someone has been married, it's a good idea to speak to their ex, but and you might say, What? What did you just say? It's a good idea to speak to their ex. Just to hear what they have to say they might come up with something huge. Like if they tell you every night this guy was on cocaine,

00:35:39--> 00:36:14

then you might say, Uh huh. Let me find out. Okay, but you wouldn't have known that had you not spoken to them? That's all I'm trying to say. But if they tell you all, he's an idiot, and that everyone says about their exes. Right? Oh, you know, he, he's this and he's that and he doesn't a lot of these things. But sometimes you might pick up one point. So don't believe what you hear. But you can just perhaps pick up one or two pointers to take heed from It's not wrong. It's good to know sometimes. And sometimes, it depends on how ugly the breakup was. But it's good to know both sides of the story. I believe we're human. And we should be knowing there's nothing wrong. I have a brain,

00:36:14--> 00:36:25

just like political parties. We listen to each one and decide, you know what, yeah, this guy sounds like he's a bit better. They could still be fooling us. But we tried, didn't we, but if we didn't hear them, we would have ourselves to blame.

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So you let things happen. Sometimes things will happen. Your child will realize very quickly that this was a mistake, I made a mistake. When your child makes a mistake. You know what some parents do? They say, some parents say that, you know, if you want to marry this guy, that's it. We are disowning, you, you never come back here, we don't want to know about you, we don't want to see you all the Billa you are actually throwing out the gifts that Allah bless you because you are so you are so backward that you don't even know how to manage what Allah blessed you with.

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You don't even know how to manage you threatening your child.

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you threaten in your own child, for what? We're going to disown you in a nutshell, you saying, I just want to override Allah here. And I want to tell you, I'll disown you, Allah didn't disown you, my beloved child, your father made a mistake by saying that to you, your mother, a lot of the time just follows what the Father says.

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helpless,

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this needs to be resolved, you cannot let this happen.

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I am not saying that. You know, just leave it in the hands of your children and agree with everything. But I started off in a good way saying develop the communication. You should be having such a beautiful relationship that at every stage, they talk to you they speak to you, they ask you they involve you. And that's when you will be able to help.

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Are you facilitating marriage or you making it difficult? Are you a racist? That's another problem we have. Someone wants to marry your child. You were both born in Canada. I'm giving you that example. Because we're not in Canada. We're in Hong Kong.

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You were both born in Canada, you went to the same kindergarten you went to the same primary school you went to the same high school you went to the same university, you probably ate the same type of lunch every day for the last 25 years. And now you want to marry this guy because you see that he's he reads Salah he's so honest, he lowers his gaze. He's a very, very good person and so on and so forth. Your father your mother, nobody knows them. You know them, but you want to do it properly. So you approach your father dad, there's a brother from Nigeria. You know? What stopped him? It's over. Close. Topic closed. Why is a black man

00:38:41--> 00:38:49

that is Jah helia Do you know that? Close your eyes and think for a moment. Nearly all of us are racist.

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I'm sorry to say that it's a taboo. It's right.

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You know what? The darker your skin. Fact. The blue you might not like it close your ears if you don't want to hear what I'm gonna say. The darker your skin.

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Well, let's read it the other way. The lighter your skin the more superior you feel. In most cases, even you can be a movement. You can have Eman you can be six Salah a day, you can fast every Monday and Thursday. You are still racist. Why? evidence of it is what was wrong. And then they come up with blackmail. There's no Khufu you know you're not the same. There's no kata. What does Kapha mean? The professor Salam says when you want to marry, try and ensure that you know the two of you have this compatibility. It's called Kapha. But we were born in the same community. We were born in the same hospital. We were born we have the same nationality. It's just that the colors are

00:39:42--> 00:39:52

different. Is that what the professor Selim spoke about in Kufa that when your color is different, you say no, no. People come and say Think about your kids. What will they look like?

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I mean, I might not give me kids. I know of interracial marriages where people

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have been treated like queens, and they tell you what a lie, I have absolutely no regret. In fact, if people knew how I was living, they would be jealous of my condition.

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But no, I come from the village, nobody is allowed to marry my daughter if they're not my color. So panela it's a reality.

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It's a fact I'm telling you because I'm passionate. I feel like punching these guys, but I don't because you know what, we just smile and say, Oh Allah, take care of them, educate them.

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Yes, it's a test. It's a challenge. But it's a test for you as a parent more than the child, as you're going to embrace. Are you going to take, you can still check? You can say no, on grounds of the same reasons that Allah told you, Aflac and Dean. But Allah didn't say, if the skin is dark, you need to just say no, think about it. It's a taboo, but people do it. They come from a different nationality. No way. It can't be. How Subhan Allah? Go and apply the same rules? Do you want success? You know, what, can I tell you something, you're going to die. And so am I in the next 10 minutes?

00:41:11--> 00:41:36

each minute, being not 60 seconds, but a time that Allah knows. I just made it easy for you, right? You're wondering what's gonna happen in 10 minutes. What I meant here is, in a short period of time, we're all gonna go short space. That minute could be a day, it could be a year, in the next year, two years, 10 years, whatever it might be. But in a short space of time, we're gonna go when we go. Those kids are still gonna do whatever they wanted anyway.

00:41:37--> 00:41:49

Some of them are waiting for us to die. Well, lucky. They are one law he I've come across more than more than once. Many times when people say I'm just waiting for my father to die when he dies, don't worry, we'll get married.

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Yeah, they sing Oh, Allah, take my dad away, take my mom away. For what? Why must your kids live waiting for you to go because they know Allah will allow it. But for as long as you're alive, you're not gonna allow it. So I'd rather pray to the same Allah to take you away so that I can do something? How? What type of parents? Are we? Are we not ashamed? That our own kids don't even want us to exist? Where are you? Why don't you stand up and face your own children in a beautiful way help them talk to them, if they have changed generation wise in thinking, so you need to adjust. That's all. I always say to my wife, that you know, with our children in law, we won't be as bad as

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our parents in law, saying it respectfully.

00:42:34--> 00:42:51

Your mother in your gave you beans and you say I'm never going to be a bad mother in law. Guess what, by the time your kids get married, automatically, as cool as you thought you were gonna think you belong to the previous generation as well, who knows, you're going to have to constantly adjust if you want to live up to them.

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There will be new things.

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new things in community and society. If your mother in law never allowed you to even wear a little, you know, a trouser, for example, and you had to wear a skirt all the time. What if your little daughter in law comes in with almost nothing on what are you going to do? And then she say,

00:43:14--> 00:43:14

you're a witch.

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But you in your mind and being so cool. If only you knew what my mother in law did to me, and how I'm allowing you to do things you will think I'm an angel. But that's a new generation. May Allah protect us. May Allah grant us ease. It's a tough one. It's really, really tough. You know, there are things that happen that we may not like.

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But I promise you, if you spend less time on your phone and more time with real life, people around you, you will be able to solve more problems.

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If you spend less time on your phone, my beloved father, less time at work, my beloved father, my beloved mothers, if you spend more time with your children, your family members and even with you with each other, you will help your children. Let me tell you something.

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When you want to get married, you should look at the relationship of the parents of the person you want to get married to and expect that particular person to live on similar lines in most cases, not in all cases. In most cases. If mother and father fighting yelling, screaming, shouting everyday, most probably the child is going to come you're going to get married to the child first few days no screaming yelling after them.

00:44:21--> 00:44:52

Every little thing Why? That's what they saw their whole lives to solve that we as parents need to live together and show our children what married life is all about. I don't mind sorry. It's another trouble. Okay, can I say kissing my wife in the presence of my kids in possible one generation back but now we've got to let them know how beautiful the relationship is supposed to be so they know that you know what to kiss your spouse is not wrong. I didn't kiss someone else.

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To get the point. We never hold hands Am I my parents never told each other. I love you. When I

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Go home I love you is like salt and pepper in the in the statement every next thing is Oh, I love you I miss you. Oh wow. And nowadays they don't just believe is our love you know you're going to change with tangerine nicely. Beautiful you know, you got to make a face, you've got to make your hands you're going to probably go down a little bit, bend your knees, I love you. It means different, the same thing, but it really has a different impact because of how you said it. But your kids don't know anything, nothing. They don't know why. If they've never seen you do that. They think you can't hold the hand of your wife. But you can hold the hand of your girlfriend.

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When you walk with your wife in the mall, she's gonna walk one meter behind you because I'm the mom.

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She's gonna walk behind me with the kids in the trolley. And I'm walking in the front like a king.

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When one sister told me that I said sister You are lucky he's walking with you. Others they just stayed home.

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless us. So if you don't show your children how they're supposed to live by living, the most romantic, the most beautiful, the most honored life, no screaming no shouting, no swearing, how many parents swear each other and the kids are watching and when they get married, what's going to happen? Their marriage is going to be struggling because you know what? Look, you've never taught them that even if something happens swallow it, stop it, calm it down. You have a small issue. Go into the bedroom lock it. And if you are a little bit loud, you need to organize those you know those sound? What are they called barriers in your own room so that the

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people can't hear you yelling and screaming at each other?

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May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless every one of us. Do you believe I've spoken for 45 minutes

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just to put you in the loop, just to put you in the loop Mashallah.

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I delivered the talk yesterday in Doha.

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Perhaps a few hours ago in Doha in Qatar. Soon as I ended the talk, I left for the airport, I caught a flight I landed here and I came straight to speak to you. So I haven't even sat down. Now Allah subhanho wa Taala. Grant us ease and open our doors. I'm looking forward to a beautiful evening ready for the whole day tomorrow by the word of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Before I leave tomorrow evening, as soon as I'm done, another flight to catch on my way somewhere else may Allah subhanho wa Taala bless every one of you. I pray that what I've said would actually be taken seriously, we will make the change with our own children, we have to help our children. We have to open the doors and

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the barriers and the problems I mentioned today are only a few there are so many, we might talk about them tomorrow. We might talk about them later today, I think. And you know what, my beloved brothers and sisters I tell you, it's not only one culture that has the problem. Every culture has that problem. Whether you come from India, Pakistan, whether you come from Malaysia or Singapore, wherever you're from, there are issues in society whereby we use the culture in order to negate or stop or oppress our children. If that's the case. It's not it's not religious in Islam, you're supposed to facilitate things make it easy. Now Allah subhanho wa Taala bless every one of us. And

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what what really irritates me is people who live in the first world countries, and they want to behave like they're actually in the 10th world.

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They live in a modern nation, and the girls and the boys come and say, but my father is forcing me my mother's force. What forces this? How can that happen? Are you not afraid of Allah no matter what stand up for your kids, Fear Allah a day will come when you won't have an answer. And like I say, I'm not blindly supporting the kids but I'm saying there is an issue deal with it in a proper respectful way. Let your children be happy Mashallah. And at the end of the day, you will get every dollar that there is a Kuru Kohli hava masala Allahu wa Sallim wa barik ala nabina. Muhammad wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah.