Restoring Marital Love
Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy
File Size: 18.60MB
Episode Transcript ©
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and testifying to the Oneness of Allah subhana who was the Allah the Exalted and glorified and majestic, alone without any partners and the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was his servant and His messenger.
And as the best of words are the words of ALLAH, the great Glorious Quran, the west of guidance, the Sunnah, the example of the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and the most dangerous of matters, the newly invented matters into this religion, and every single one of them as a leading astray that only leads to the fire.
And after reminding myself I knew what the Taqwa of Allah subhana, who was the island welcoming you to the house of Allah azza wa jal.
One of the major challenges in our interesting times, shall we say, is the continual reduction of homes to houses, more and more homes are disappearing and being replaced by houses.
And in a single statement, the difference between a home and a house is the amount of love involved, they say that a home is where the love is, don't they.
And so us ensuring that we have warm loving homes, which of course begin with having healthy marriages, is not just a duty in and of itself to protect because some people may overlook this, they may say, You know what, so be it to this dunya we're gonna have shallow expectations of it, Allah will fix everything in the hereafter. But you still need to protect this home of yours, or do your level best to put up a fight to do so. But it's not just its own standalone duty. There are actually so many other religious duties of yours that are dependent on having a warm, loving healthy home, such as your own religiosity, such as the religious commitment of your family members that you
will be asked about.
And so how do we ensure this, there are two fundamental pillars of having marital love and your bank account of marital love constantly being replenished the amount of warmth and harmony and tranquility and love in your home continually being restored and protected?
The first of them is what we've been discussing of contentment. The second of them is what we constantly need to discuss also, which is commitment. So contentment is, as we said, not having these unrealistic XSplit expectations of anything in this world, including marriage. expecting perfection from our spouses, also when we ourselves are not perfect. Having this expectation that love is static love doesn't fluctuate. You know, many times we are told if it was true love, it would have remained true love is lasting. Where do you get that from? Reality or from fantasy? These are for movies. This this happens in movies. And this romanticized overly romanticized image of love
in marriage is extremely frustrating to live by. And what's extra sad about living by this rule, and measuring your love based on it being permanently and forever at the same level, it always was, is the fact that the people you got this rule from the actors in those movies actually have the most unsuccessful marriages of all, and so it is utter foolishness to expect have these high expectations that your spouse will always offer you the emotional fulfillment you once got from them. And that's why our prophets Allah Allahu alayhi wa sallam superior guidance fixed our perspective for us. Did he not tell us either he salatu salam
Leia flock Mina in Cary Hammond Holika Robley Amin has a Euro who let no believing man hate to believing woman, it should never get to that degree of resentment. And then he said what to do to protect you from getting to that jaded, you know, negative perspective. He said if you hate one of their qualities, love another quality, lower your expectations. Don't get locked in, you know with your lenses on the negativity and just think positive. Don't just see the cup as half empty, choose to see it as half full. And he also guided us in another Hadith Allahi salatu salam since you cannot have everything in this world or in this marriage, marriage being a subset of this world
then settle for the most important things in it. When he said at duniya Mehta will Hyrule Natalia Almora. To saleha. This whole world is a fleeting enjoyment.
Maybe we can call it in some respects a cheap thrill, right, a deceitful, you know, passing transient short lived enjoyment. And the very best of it, he said, is a righteous woman. Someone that can remind you about your prayers, someone you can trust to leave at home and you leave the house, with your wealth with your children, allowing them to see a living experience of what it looks like to be a Muslim to be a believer to leave that with the generations that you can't stay at home and look after yourself settle. That is a great thing that can never be eclipsed by whatever frustrates you more often than not at least.
And you know, even the expectation of our feelings, not changing towards our spouses is so ridiculous because our feelings don't they change regarding Allah subhanho wa Taala himself. Like, isn't that the belief of Edison, that faith our Eman fluctuates? What does that mean that our faith fluctuates, that means there are days and times justified or not blameworthy or not. But at the end of the day, it is expected it is human, that the way you love Allah and the way you fear Allah and the way you hope in Allah and the way you're comforted by Allah fluctuates with your faith. So if that is going to be the case with your Creator, who gave you life who covers up your crimes, who
watches you as you sleep subhanho wa Taala it will not be the case with your fellow human beings.
And so being content with these issues
and not allowing the negativity to turn your marriage and your marital emotions toxic
you know, in another Hadith the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to the women or women be sure to give in charity for I had seen that you were the majority of the people of the fire they said yeah rasool Allah why he said tech foreigner you know you commit Cough, cough recommend denial, it could also mean denial of God disbelief. And they said, biller we did we deny God we make fun of Allah. He said no tech foreigner last year, you deny the kind treatment meaning of your partner's of your spouse's well to fit in a LAN and you become vulgar like you you get caught up in your emotion and then you become obscene in your speech will take Fornelli accent and you deny that kind of
treatment had taken place. And then he gives an example he says Well, x and Raju, La Quinta, Dara filmora. I don't know I mean, who Yeoman Su, local tuna or Aina Minka hyaluron. And then one of you if their husband has been good to them for a lifetime. And then they see one negative day from them. Yes, he really messed up one bad day. They say I've never seen any good from you. And so it is really fighting to keep those words, always and never to from allowing the negativity to consume your marriage, from having this expectation that things always need to be good. And they must never be bad or sub optimal. That is the key with regards to contentment to restoring the marital love,
and not allowing it to bleed from the relationship. The second of the two, we said is commitment. And that's the sacrifice everyone speaks about to be able to make the marriage work, to refuse to check out of trying, you know, to say it has nothing to do with me, that means also the solution has nothing to do with you. Never quit. making dua never quit exerting the effort never quit.
You know, telling yourself that the love that you say has dwindled, and it's not really there anymore, the way it used to be happened for a reason, you must realize that, you know, people think that love is just there or love is just not no, it was there for a reason whether you notice it or not. And it left for a reason whether you know this or not. And so realizing this will help you stay committed to restoring it, rebuilding it till the guy just I can't look at that person the same way again, then they send that email or that text message or whatever I want out. No commitment. If you had a business that was worth a measly 10 or $50,000 You would have gone the extra mile to save it
and to restore your business. You wouldn't just drop a line and walk away. This could be a life partner. This could be the mother of your children. This could have ramifications for 10 or 20 or 100 generations after it it really can and perhaps a subsequent football will address this or flesh this point out further. Steak
I just can't the feelings are gone. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to her do to have boo, give gifts to each other. This will generate love between you. So our actions do have an effect on the emotions of ourselves and the people around us. And Saudi Allahu Allah used to give this advice make sure to keep giving gifts to each other to his sons, because he has such a wide family and naturally the stress of life when families grow, it is expected. Right? So many hard decisions, so many financial liabilities, so many changes, whether in health, finance or otherwise.
He used to tell his children because between his children and his grandchildren he had over 100 Because Allah azza wa jal is Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Oh Allah bless him in his wealth and his family. He used to tell the people ever since that, look how rich I am right now without even trying and look at my children between them and their children. There are over 100 So far, I know he saw through a Salem. And so NS used to tell his children make sure to keep giving gifts to each other. Because probably the people closest to us need gifts more than anybody else. Because the stressors being in each other's faces being so entangled in each other's lives, erode
the warmth, erode the love more than anything else. Many times we have appreciation dinners for people outside, and that could be it and Allahu Akbar is for people at fundraisers, right. But at home, the gift giving will affect
and so commitment also to figuring out what is important to your spouse.
You know, one of my favorite authors on this subject without getting too much into it, Gary Chapman's the languages of love, he says love basically has five languages, right, like words of affirmation, you know, like validating someone complimenting them, or spending quality time with them, or acts of service, right, or physical touch. There are five major languages of love, you got to figure out
what is your primary language and the language of your spouse, or else you could be committed to hitting the bull's eye on the wrong target. You know, like one of our teachers said, some men really overdo it. And feel unappreciated, because they're just working harder, not smarter, his wife gets upset at him, one of us will bring her a rose, and the other one will buy her a car. She will appreciate both most likely if she's a good woman, right. And if your crime wasn't too bad, but she will also forget both just as fast. Both of them will by you about two to five days. That's the end of it. Why because it was remembering her that was her language feeling remembered what was behind
the gift. You know, many times also spouses say their husbands are, you know, not loving them. Why? Because they don't say these words, well, the husband's language, the husband's language was acts of service. For example, I show love to my family by breaking my back serve in my family. That means two things, you will understand, oh, that's how he shows his love. And you will also understand that unless you show him acts of service, he will not understand that you love him
understanding and speaking to each other in their own languages. This is how you show someone you care and communicate love to them in a way that would be recognized. But that's commitment. You know, kids, it's easy for them to learn new languages just to get along with the kid in the playground, right? They'll figure it out. For adults, it's hard for us to learn a new language, we're so set in our ways and set in our communication methods. But that's what it's going to take. And it is so worth it once you put in the commitment towards it.
To be committed also, above all, and with this, I'll sit down to justice in your marriage. You know, we can talk about love languages and being kind and courteous and polite and thoughtful, and physical touch and quality. But unless the bear that we look at giving each their due rights, all this other stuff becomes irrelevant. You see the problem with marital rights, which Islam spared us of the tug of war by setting for us is that each person looks at the subject of Islamic marital rights in terms of what does my partner owe me? What are their responsibilities towards me? What are my rights from them? But if each of us would look at our own responsibilities more than our rights,
the air would become far more pleasant in that marriage. You know, Abdullah had an abbess about the Allahu anha. He used to say we're in Neela or Hibou and a Stanley for half the mean her Kameelah.
I hate to demand all of my rights from my wife. He said because Allah Subhana Allah Allah said
Khalid regionally Allah Hina de Raja, and because Allah subhanho wa Taala said wala Hoon me through lesbi Allah hinda Bill ma roof, that men have a degree over them, meaning what? I have also an extra responsibility. There's a very egotistical way to understand this right, I have a greater responsibility. And so I don't want to be questioned about every last tooth and nail regarding my responsibility towards my spouse, and therefore I will not demand from them every last responsibility they have towards me that graciousness giving that space, I may infringe I may be unjust, and therefore I will not demand full justice from them either. being focused on being just
as best as you can and leaving room for others in case you're miscalculating or in case you yourself have shortcomings. This is of the greatest keys that you need to be committed to to ensure marital love is restored in the relationship, a call of Holyhead that was done for Allah Allah Mala.
And hamdu Lillahi wa salatu salam ala mon Lana Viva Chateau La ilaha illallah wa de hula Shetty kala or shadow under Muhammad an avid who whenever you who are solo
it is reported by many scholars that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
used the sea
after being just and fair in the distribution of his time and his resources with his spouses.
Allah Huma Harada Kusmi FEMA Amulek Oh Allah this is me being fair in what I can control.
Fella to his knee.
Female tam Liko wala Amulek and so do not recommend call me to reckoning don't call me to account for what you own. And what I don't own.
Meaning Yeah, Allah I'm trying to be as just and fair as possible.
But the emotions of my heart you control my heart ultimately, and I don't control my heart. So don't call me to account for those other things. The fact that the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam had fluctuating love, right? Between Aisha Radi Allahu Allah and other spouses. Similarly, a person may have fluctuating love between my wife today, my wife tomorrow, right?
Try your very best to curb that in and be content with what Allah has given you for today, and be committed to making each day of your marriage better than yesterday. That's all
and snap out of looking at the world as most people look at the world. They say the grass is always greener on the other side. No Be content with your lawn. be contented with your garden, Be content with your home, and also realize that the grass is greener wherever you water it be committed to watering that grass to restoring that love.
These homes are our final stronghold for our deen not just our dunya you know for our athletes are not just our peace of mind and harmony and tranquility and sanity after a hard day of work or the stressors of life. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said at the end of time when the gel emerges the greatest Pfitzner he said yeah hello Jude the gel he will come out when NASA if you could let him in a dunya when people will be at a material low. Things are going to be very difficult, worldly speaking. What if cutting minute Dean and very fragile, very weak in their faith with a Sadie that's been and the relationships will be in shambles? That is what will make a digest
that much more capable by Allah's permission, that much more effective at being the greatest trial for humanity in all of human history. So may Allah subhanho wa Taala protect us and our homes from whatever he told us life will bring our way may be our sanctuary for Sakina and Mila differ affection and tranquility and for Rama and for love for mercy and love Allahumma Amin Allah Houma Falana ohana, Allah humma for Luna Luna Obinna, what else let her be Nina where Deena Sula Salam, WA sallahu wa sallim wa barik ala Nabina Muhammad wa ala early he was Avia Jemaine