Can An Apology Fix Everything
Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy
File Size: 20.46MB
brothers and sisters, it is incredibly obvious
to anyone paying a little bit of attention. That's Shabba Shaban is the month of increased tensions before Ramadan
as if it is the time where shaitan before he is arrested, apprehended and locked away, sets us on some autopilot to trajectory to sabotage our Ramadan before it starts.
So predictable if we're paying attention and perhaps this is why the prophets Allah Allahu alayhi wa sallam encouraged us to settle all disputes before Shaban is halfway through the famous Hadith that says when it's the midway point of Ramadan, Allah forgives
everyone except a machinic. Someone that says equals to him rivals to him and a mu shashin. Someone that is filled with grudges towards others. You want your Ramadan to be accepted. Make sure you are clear of the disease of being consumed with content, hatred, resentment, grudges, ill feelings towards your brothers and sisters.
And a direct parallel to this is that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said if you want your weekly deeds to be accepted, the deeds are presented to Allah every Monday and Thursday, except for two people that are quarreling. He says to the angels wait on these two had diastolic heart until they make things right with each other until they mend their relationship. It's as if to say Yes, they've worked hard. Yes, they've done deeds this year or this week, but it's not in the books yet. If you will wait till they reconcile their relationship. And I don't want this football to be honest, to be just about getting caught off guard in these last 30 days in sha Allah, may Allah
Allah wa see Ramadan, but I don't want you just to be vigilant about shaitan toying with you in these coming days and stirring in new conflicts.
In this period, I want you to look at your pre existing conflicts as well. I want you to look at the pain the hurts the hard feelings that are already here and to hurry up
and figure out a way to rinse them away.
You know the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam is the one that spoke with this language. It's not just about Ramadan. He said men can that's Allah Who Malema tune in the AFI him in Aruba he O'Shea whomever has some sort of offense, any sort of offense, whether it is their dignity, he said You disrespected them in some way. Whomever has some sort of offense against their brother.
Failure to hell mean Julio, then let him quickly go get forgiveness become halal, make it halal. Today, he says before you arrive at a day, where there is no gold and no silver.
He says because on that day, the currency will only be deeds, our deeds are so meager our deeds are so weak, we give out give up so many opportunities to perform good deeds, the ones we do we want to protect, he says and then on that day in candidates law who has an ad if they have deeds,
then it will be taken from them these good deeds and given to those they offended, given to those they abused given to those they violated. And if they have no good deeds, meaning left after all of this repayment, repaying of dues, it is taken from their sins, may Allah protect us. And then they are piled on to this person to be to double their bankruptcy. But today, it is free. Right now it is free. It's even free, not just in terms of your deeds, it is free, even in terms of money. It's free to apologize. Oftentimes even restoration, reparation, whatever making it right doesn't even cost us money. may cost a little bit of an ego, Bruce,
that's a bruise. You want to show up on the Day of Judgment with that sort of a war scar.
We all make mistakes. The best of us are those who acknowledge and amend. As he said, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam couldn't look me at them aka every child of Adam, every human being commit sins.
Will Hyrule Hopper in a Delaware boon and the Best of those who commit sins meaning the best of all of humanity are those who make it right, those who rectify those who repent for those sins. You know, even in the sort of the marriage
counseling world, there's a famous like old joke not to make this sort of a humorous moment, but that they asked them there's any one of you has anyone Have you ever heard of a perfect husband? And they say that a man
And once raised his hand and he said, Yes, I've heard of a perfect husband. My wife's first husband apparently was perfect. That's the one. In other words, no one has ever perceived this perfect. Maybe when someone passes her first husband, right, when someone passes you, in a very forgivable magnanimous way you forget all of their flaws, right? Or they weren't perfect. But she uses him as a standard to shame the new husband, right? She's talking about my first husband didn't do this. He didn't do that he didn't do this. He didn't do that. So she's only citing his perfection, to prove her point that you're so flawed, you're so imperfect. But in reality, it doesn't exist. You know,
that example is extra operative? Why? Because it reminds us that our closest relationships are the ones that these are the people that discover our greatest imperfections, right? They're the closest to us, our most intimate bonds with the spouse with the child with the parent. And so they see the good, the bad and the ugly, they see us behind closed doors, they are the ones that see in us more imperfections than anyone, which means we need to learn how to apologize to them more than anyone. That is the idea.
So why don't we apologize.
Perhaps the number one reason why it is difficult on a person to apologize is insecurity.
For instance, if someone is and forgive me for the term, but hell bent on guarding their image in the eyes of others, they will never jeopardize that image by admitting fault to others, right. But that's your problem. You're assuming that people think you're perfect. You're assuming you're perfect. This is called arrogance. Arrogance, in reality, at its core is an insecurity. And it is the greatest barrier that you continue to strike down between you and Allah azza wa jal, it is a detriment a spiritual element that has to be removed from everyone. You know, researchers say another reason why people become this way, become very insecure and incapable of admitting fault and
so desperate and parched for the validation of others. And that's why they'll never sort of, say something that could invalidate them in people's eyes. They say because they grew up every day in their life, being told in their upbringing by their parents, or the parents figure about what they're doing wrong. They're never told about what they're doing, right. So over the years, this child, subconsciously, whether they realize it or not, they made a decision that I can't wait to grow up. Because once I become an adult, I'm never going to be wrong again.
That's what happens. Or perhaps also, they noticed what was wrong in their parents, but they could not point the finger at their parents the way their parents can point the finger at them.
And you know, children, when they're sort of very young, they see their parents is absolutely flawless and perfect. But after a while, they start realizing Wait, they're not so perfect. And so once they get to that age, if they don't notice their parents in the habit of apologizing to the child or to other to each other, when they make the mistakes, they will grow up and embody that which they hated, but they're still going to embody it. They just hated it because it was inflicted on them, or those they loved, like mom or like that, but they will still adopt it towards others, they will still be a carbon copy of that more often than not. The parents never accepted their
imperfections. They understood from them that an adult doesn't apologize. They may have heard in someone's perverted mentality that Real men don't apologize. Whoever believes that consciously or not, will never be in a loving relationship will never enjoy love and relationships that are long term healthy and stable.
The man of all men sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
stood setting the ranks and tightening between the gaps before the Battle of bed that is started and a man named Sua. He was a little bit ahead of the road. And so he kind of just tapped at him in his belly with the arrow, not the sharp side. He's not stabbing anyone and he's supposed to let me selling him back up.
And so he said, Yeah, rasool Allah, you were unfair to me after didn't even have sick I want equal retribution i for an eye.
The Prophet alayhi salatu salam had no ego to defend, it is okay to care about yourself, by the way to have self respect and self regard, but he didn't have an inflated ego. None of us ever should. And so immediately, he said, Fair's fair. And he uncovered his belly, his blessing stomach, Ali's salatu salam, and he said, Go ahead. poke me the way poked you.
There's no pure apology than that right away in front of everybody. Same way. I poked you in front of everybody.
I'm so sad about the Allahu Allah and
jumps and embraces the Prophet alayhi salatu salam and kisses his blessed stomach, sal Allahu Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and he says to him, What are you doing?
Like this was unexpected. He said, Yara surah Allah cut Hello Robin, Mr. Tata. So you see what's happening. We're about to lose our lives together right now potentially. And so I wanted and the Hakuna after the big MEMS Sehgal digital deck, I wanted the very last interaction I have with you before I enter my grave, is that my skin gets to touch your skin.
hamdullah Hamdulillah I got it. I was looking for an excuse to embrace you.
So the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam made a beautiful day out for him and said to him now get back in line, we got a war to fight.
And so the Muslim, the follower of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never carries himself like he's always right. Or she's always right. Never, we never carry ourselves like the world revolves around us. We are the followers of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, we apologize and apologize fast when we have to when it's justified.
You know, sometimes people take too long to apologize. And maybe this is, you know, a time to remember the hadith of you're not allowed to shun your brother or sister over three days. You know, the beauty in this is that when people take too long to apologize, especially for their innocent mistakes, you leave the door wide open for Shaitan to cause people to think that your weakness and we all have weakness is actually wickedness. It's, it's malice. You want it to hurt them, you intentionally did that to them.
And you know, maybe also people don't apologize.
Because they think that apologies mean, I'm accepting the entirety of the blame. And that's not true. When you apologize when you seek to be redeemed in someone's eyes, you are simply owning your share of the problem. Or that you could have been part of the reason for why this escalated in the way that it did. That's all.
And the second thing I want to say is that if you're going to forgive someone who apologizes, it doesn't mean that the relationship has to go back to the way it was. That's not necessarily either, you know,
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when everywhere is the poet who sort of was beating the drums of war over and over again, was forgiven once by the Prophet SAW Salem after oh, these there again. He was one of the greatest insiders and warmongers. He said to him, forgive me again. Oh, Muhammad, he said to him, the believer is not bitten from the same snake hole twice. So you can also forgive someone and not give them the same access they had before.
I don't want them to have as well you know, I want them to hubbub Radi Allahu Anhu. His brothers as he used to say Zaid beat me in his name, he beats me to the two greatest treasures both of them because they his brother, Bill hottub became Muslim before him and died Shaheed before him. So he attained Islam and attained martyrdom both before Ramadan kappa Radi Allahu Anh used to cry whenever he remembered his brother mentioned that statement. He beat me twice. One day during his Khilafah he encounters EBL, Nadiem and Hanafy the man who before Islam killed his brother, before that man became Muslim, he kills it. And so Roma when he saw him his face frowns like, like Is that him? And
it's all the more you he goes, You killed my brother didn't you said Yeah. Before Islam though.
He said, Why did you make that face that I don't like you? You killed my brother. I can't flip a switch. He said to him, will that prevent me from any of my rights as a Muslim? He said, No, that's different. That's different. He said in that case, that's your business who you like you you don't like I don't mind so long as I qualify in my Islam, so long as I've attained the approval of Allah that's between you and yourself, whether you like me or not, I'm not too worried. Even the Prophet alayhi salatu salam himself by the way, you know why she was the man that was recruited in exchange for his freedom to target Hamza bin Abdul Muttalib and assassinate him during the Battle of and
mutilate his body so that he could gain his freedom to slave
when he comes at the end of the Prophet's life to apologize, right, the Prophet that he supposedly accepts and forgives, but he was not able to forget. And that's not always necessary. Because at the end of the day, this Deen came for human beings, right? And so he said to him, if you are able to hide your face from me, I would appreciate that.
And so why she out of consideration out of sensitivity for the pain, the turmoil that he caused to the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam for doing what he did to Hamza years.
Royer, he never heard of a battle campaign in which the Muslims were leaving Medina except that he would be the first person to enlist to spend as much time outside of Medina as possible. Because at the end of the day, the most loving human being most forgiving personality in the history of humanity is still not Allah azza wa jal, only Allah is Allah for Allah dude. That means he's the most forgiving and the most loving. That means when he forgives you, He loves you just like before and even more than before, as if nothing ever happened. Only Allah
can love without reservation, any human being on the face of the earth right now. There are many human beings among the 7 billion on this planet right now that are very difficult to love, even if they are regretful for the things they've done. But not with Allah subhanho wa taala. So that is part of his perfection and not something he holds us to
a call a call he has stuff for Allah Allah minneota
Al hamdu Lillahi wa Salatu was Salam ala Milena via via that shadow Allah Ilaha illa Allah
when Mohammed Abu interview or pseudo brothers and sisters, I want to close out with just five suggestions on how to apologize like relationship experts call these the languages of apology. And why is this important? Take from this whatever strikes a chord with you. But it's important because a lot of times, it is not about trying harder. It's about trying smarter. They call it emotional intelligence for a reason. Sometimes we extend apologies to people in the way that we would like to receive an apology, not necessarily in the way that they would like to receive the apology. That's why they called the apologies, the language of apologies, right? Sometimes you're doing something
for 20 years. And if you're just a tweak, it'd be like I could have saved 20 years of heartache and pain and, and monetary gifts perhaps and otherwise. They said the first of them is to express your regret to actually just say I'm sorry. But when you say I'm sorry, two caveats. Number one, say what you're sorry about because sometimes I'm sorry, is like alright, I said I'm sorry. Now go away. I'm sorry. Stop speaking. Right. don't penalize someone with you're sorry. Don't censor someone with you're sorry. The second thing is, don't you dare add a butt after you're sorry. Because when you say I'm sorry, but that means you're not accepting anything at this point. You're actually
projecting blame? I'm sorry, but you should not have made me angry. You know, I have a short fuse. That's not an apology at all. Right? So apologize and state what you're apologizing about, right?
The second thing is accept responsibility, because some people even without the word, but they will project the blame on the other person, or just leave it somewhere like ambiguous somewhere vague, not clear in the middle. They'll say, you know, I'm sorry, that you misunderstood? Well, you're not owning anything there. You could be insinuating that they're not very clever, or witty or intelligent. No, say I'm sorry that I was late. And I costed you the appointment, or I broke my promise, or I forgot, you know, this data that is important to our marriage, or whatever its own the responsibility, say, I am sorry for this, that I did this, you know, even with our children, they
say that, you know, when your child says it broke, tell them, let's try this again, say I broke it. Get them used to owning and remind them that they will not be punished and innocent mistakes are not sins, and I will not hold this against you. I'm encouraging you to feel secure enough to own responsibility. So owners own the responsibilities.
Say, I wasn't clear, I could have been clear for this misunderstanding, right, own something of it. The third offer some sort of compensation is Islamic, but part of tilba It involves sort of you usurping or sort of infringing on the rights of somebody try to restore it somehow, some way. And sometimes it's very easy. Sometimes you just ask them, right? How can I make this up for you? I can't change the past. Can I make it up for you in the future? I'm sorry, I messed up. How can I make this better? And they can give you a suggestion? What can I do to make this up? Number four, they have to genuinely seek,
you know, to make things right, what do I mean by that? You can say I'm sorry, it was my fault. Here's a gift. You're still not over it. But you're you're doing this every week. You're doing this every month. Right? This is not an innocent mistake. If you keep repeating it over and over again. That means there's negligence here. I know a brother that ALLAH blessed him with saving his marriage, because when the trust was lost in his marriage, he said, Okay, I'm going to do something different now. You now have the password to my phone, without which I cannot download an app on my own.
was over had he not been able to do something that showed such genuine intent to make it better.
Or I heard about another husband, that
first child, perhaps the child would not be quiet, just screaming his head off, and the guy lost it. He picked up the child and started shaking the child violently. out of frustration. The woman was ready to walk out of the house, she grabbed her baby and broke down crying and ran away and locked the door in her room waiting for him to leave the house so she could pack her bags. But Allah guided him to just knock on the door once he was collected and say, I cannot believe that. How can I make sure I never do this again. I never saw that side of me before. And they figured out a khodro code word that every time he's about to lose his lid, he's gonna say I'm hot, I need a walk.
She says he has taken many walks over the years. But he has never shaken that child again. He's never abused the child in that way.
You know, it's important that I leave that to be thought about the law and used to say to people in the Havel is still fairly intelligent, you're still far, the way you seek forgiveness requires that you seek forgiveness. You're taking this as a joke, right? Imagine someone coming out of their car after an accident saying, Oh man, I'm so sorry, in the middle of sort of chuckling you're not taking this seriously. The fifth and final one, as sort of intuitive as it may be not for everyone just ask. Sometimes all you actually need to do is to ask someone, will you forgive me? Did you accept my apology? And you might see the clouds clear. And the locks sort of get shattered and everything gets
restored? Just ask this. Once again, my brothers and sisters, here it is and those closest to us are those who need it most.
They are those we interact with more than anyone so there will be more friction than anyone. May Allah subhanho wa Taala not allow that to be in let's for shaytaan in our relationships, and help us be like our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in reflecting the left and the humility that is pleasing to our Imams.