Channel: Maryam Lemu
Series: Maryam Lemu - Half of Faith
I'm Marian lemo. And with me is my husband,
And we're back again with the program today or this particular episode, we want to pick up where we left off on the last episode when we were talking about setting the ground rules on how to resolve conflicts. And Maryam had an idea, which is setting the ground rules of code of conduct, so to speak. And I would like you to take up on take it up on that, and then I will come in and share some, some ideas with you. I believe every marriage should have a code of conduct, sit with your spouse, if you've not already done so, and agree on certain things that are non negotiables. This is what the solid rock that your marriage will send, if there's solid ground that your marriage will
stand on. I can give you examples some of ours and I hope you're going to build on yours it can be you know, 510 15, it can be even 20. But these are rules that you know, you are going to follow religiously, you will never violate them. The first Code of Conduct or rule we have is of course Allah first in everything when it comes to the institution of marriage. It is a law that has given us guidelines on how we are supposed to relate to each with each other. And if we do it right and follow the rules, and the examples of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam as to how he related with his spouses insha Allah, Allah will put his blessings in the relationship. So when it comes to
spirituality, firstly, the first thing we do so many things together, I mean, we pray together, even during Ramadan, my husband doesn't go to any nearby mosque, he leads us in prayer. And it's still a gem he, but for me, at least I don't feel left out, I get to experience it. We do do us together, we sit with the children, we pray together, but we take turns making to our and we make sure everybody hears what the other one is praying for, which teaches them it's important that when you do that to us in Arabic as much as possible, you explain the significance of that to the children. The meaning is waning, and the significance of it because what you're trying to do is basically develop a
culture of spirituality, and your children are learning from what you do, we just don't pray. And right after the class salaam aleikum, everybody gets up and leave. And it is a particular issue that is bothersome to the family we particularly bring that particular issue up is the well being or the health of a grandparent, is it a nephew that is sick? Is it to do with somebody education in school? Is it financial challenges, we specifically mentioned the person and do Do for that person for Alice guidance for Alice blessing on those issues. So I love first So yeah, I have to remember, which we often forget, fulfilling the obligations of marriage is fulfilling half your ibadah. So last said
that, so when you aggregate all the acts of ibadah that you do as a Muslim, from the obligatory ones, the non obligatory ones, you add them all up, when you get married, and you live according to the guidelines of the Quran and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to the best of your ability, it is fulfilling, have your faith. So marriage, as much as we want to make it cultural, we are not going to be judged on the Day of Judgment with culture, we are going to be asked based on those religious guidelines that were given to us with regard to fulfilling our responsibilities and obligations in marriage before Allah, not tradition, not culture. So that is
one of the reasons why when Marian tells the story that when we got married, I made it a point for her to know her rights and her responsibilities and to know mine, also, so that in the event that I forget to fulfill any act that is a duty or responsibility or mind towards her, she would tactfully, respectfully and with courtesy, remind me and I do the same with her. So when she said Allah first and those guidelines that were given to us, that were supposed to apply in marriage, it's important we know them. It's important. We also let our spouses know that and there'll be situations where, with all humility, gentlemen, that the wife may be no more knowledgeable than the husband. There is
nothing wrong in learning from the wife. I was a teacher many many years ago to Miriam
I will comfortably without any issue tell you, Maria has taken some of that role today. And she is my teacher in certain aspects. And there is nothing wrong with that. And I appreciate that. Sometimes it with recitation pronunciation Tajweed. And she's more school than I am, I should say, I think you should have said it this way. I repeat it, and then she corrects me. So we have that going on spirituality in terms of that spirituality and God first. Yeah. And then what would you say is the next one? Yeah, yeah. So the issue of spirituality, we will be held to account for what we do and what we do not do with our spouse, and how we relate it to them. And ignorance is not an excuse.
So first is spirituality and love us. The second one is fidelity, loyalty, truthfulness to the institution of marriage to my spouse, to the children, that I am going to be faithful, I'm going to be loyal, you can trust me, I'm not gonna go wandering around, you can trust me, trust my word, I will not lie to you what I say my word is my honor. I will not deceive you, I will not play games with you. So this thing about complete trust. Now, the reality of the world we live in today, which is really, really sad and very disturbing is that infidelity has become a norm. Somebody actually said to me, Maryam, just accept that our spouse is going to cheat on you, or, you know, our spouses
are going to cheat on us. And I was like, but I don't think my spouse would do that. And I take certain things for granted because of the kind of relationship we have. However, however, how do I Why would I be able to say that I think there's no one better than my spouse to actually explain? What is it that is stopping him from going around? It's not that there aren't hot girls out there that he would look at and see that lady or that girl looks very beautiful and attractive, I am aware. I mean, we, as human beings see things that are beautiful, but what stops us from actually tasting that forbidden fruit for you? What is it would you say? Well, first and foremost, Xena,
which is either fornication or adultery is a kebab is one of the major sins. Some scholars say it's after shirk, and taking a human life. Others have taken it lower. But it
attracts severe punishment in the on the Day of Judgment. And the Xena, Xena is four types. There's the physical intercourse, there is another eye, when you look at your lust over somebody, or you look longer than you should, there is an hour of the year where you hear, you know, terrible No.
Three things, yes, then there is an hour of the hand where you touch. So but when you ask me, Why do I not want to do that? First and foremost, it's a major sin.
People unfortunately, meriam tend to especially women tend to use the terminology. He cheated on me.
No, it's not cheating on you. The major the first major problem is he has committed a major offense to Allah. Number two is if he's cheated anybody, it's himself, because he is the one who's going to get punished, then there is the impact, societal impact on knowing he engages in that activity, bring in disrespect to himself. And then there's also the aspect of bringing shame to the family to the wife and the children and helpless, then the fifth one disease, and we know all sorts of diseases, sexually transmitted diseases that come with it. But one of the things as a man, and like Miriam said,
if you're talking about beauty, or less, you don't go out and you see a beautiful woman today, Believe you me tomorrow, you will see one that is much more beautiful than that. But one thing that I use is to never forget that beauty is one of the attributes of Allah.
So and the guidance given to us by the Sunnah is when you see you look, you remove your eye, when I see I just say Allahu Akbar. And I look the other way. So it doesn't last longer than that. Secondly, my wife would travel when we were out of this country on business trips, and I'll be alone for like a week or two. And you're surrounded by women colleagues at work. I had to convince myself that any woman that's not my wife is actually a man.
So there's a psychology that you play with yourself and say no, so I do all of those nine things. But finally, there is a Do you know, where if one is having a problem, you say, oh, Allah asked you for guidance, piety, chastity.
And the final one, I believe
it's four terms. Unfortunately, forgive me for forgetting that one. But you you pray for
Allah to Allah to guide you to stop you from doing this. Yeah. And so the last one is if it's really bad when you go on to God, when you pray, one of the 99 Names of Allah in one of those days a name Yak.
Yak hair has two meanings, either the destroyer, or the sub dua. Now, when I go on sujood, I recite the alcohol to subdue any tendency that I may have that goes beyond my wife, it's my wife. But we have to remember for those of us that may have transgressed, Allah is the Most Merciful. And if you have done, committed the act of Zina, and you genuinely want to repent, Allah is the most forgiving, the Most Merciful. If the repentance is genuine, Allah will forgive you and you can use any of the ideas I've given you to avoid going down that road again. But there's an aspect that Marian talked about, about fulfilling your spouse's needs wants and fantasies which inshallah during the next
episode, we shall be summarizing some of the things that we have done to spice up the marriages, a lot of people asked me, What do you do to bring the sparks back? The passion back? Currently, I have ashes and my marriage has practically died. There's no emotion, I no longer find my spouse attractive. How do you keep this steady Ember burning? But with regard towards the it has just said with about infidelity? It is so common I know, even today, I did a facebook live where a lady had asked this question, how do you handle the emotions of a spouse that is having an affair? So I know what most importantly, I would say is, don't be cruel to yourself. Be kind to yourself. But at the
same time, check yourself, work on your shortcomings. Work on the things that you can do to improve how attractive you are to your spouse. But if your spouse in spite of all your efforts, chooses to go ahead and do that, that is between them and Allah and May Allah forgive them And may Allah guide them right And may Allah guide all of us and prevent us from any kind of temptation. So inshallah during the next episode, we shall be sharing with you our final tips on what we would call best practices. However, in a nutshell, I've shared the first two, we've shared the first two pillars, code of conduct for our marriage, which is spirituality and love first, and all his guidelines for
how to relate with one another, and our own personal journey on the path of spirituality. And then lastly, we talked about fidelity, loyalty. And I think most importantly, what I would take from what it has said is contentment, being content with what you have and being grateful and looking for good in your spouse, I just wanted to add one important Code of Conduct which is respect. Never lose respect for your spouse. In all the times that we had those misunderstandings meriam I was the one who was preparing 70% of the meals. It didn't matter how bad we fought, I still cooked and as angry Should I tell her lunch is ready, or dinner is ready because I was the cook. So I did that and we
made sure that at no time Did I ever during a misunderstanding. Make my wife starve my wife deny her food? Nope, that never happened. You are giving away so much. This is all the juicy stuff that's coming during the next episode. And I know some men watching us say what on earth is he talking about? This man wants to get us in trouble. But join us inshallah. We'll share that with you as salaam alaikum