Channel: Hasib Noor
knows we reveal what we conceal, and even knows what the animals field we thank him we praise Him and on him we have Alliance, it is to him return to for our true guidance, we asked him to send us peace and blessings, His mercy on the best of human beings and profits or promise to the long line he will send them on whom he prays until the very end of our days, when we asked him to grant assistant fastest guidance, mercy and to never lead us astray for him to save us on Judgement day because they I mean,
everybody's out to the section called happily ever after. As the title suggests, that the child would have discussed the journey of obviously, what I like to call the journey of getting to know someone before he gets married. A lot of us don't understand this concept. And the result a lot of audience
recognize the concept of love, compatibility and chemistry. When it comes to marriage. Oftentimes, maybe in our cultures, maybe your parents, maybe somebody that you know, they simply just got married.
Right? And then later on, they found love or, you know, they didn't find love, but they're together anyway. Right? I asked my grandmother I said, so Mashallah, you know, how did you love my grandfather say, love, we got married.
And then, you know, we're from Atlanta, Stan. So their marriage at one point was marriage of security, energy of necessity, right? It's a different context, different culture that that love did not exist. But some of these marriages did not. And then later was developed. So we have to understand something, either on the low timeout who said something very beautiful, very powerful, I want you all to pay attention to this. He said, teach your children for a time, that is their time, because they did not live in a time, that was your time.
So for those of you your parents understand this very, very thoroughly, your children live in 2019, Nigeria,
how many of you have traveled outside of Nigeria, raise your hand
traveled outside of Nigeria, raise your hand Hi, so I can see. Okay, so a good portion of maybe a quarter of the room. So we're in an area of globalization, global culture is affecting our society here. Okay, this is something that's also we need to take into account. Another thing is that the culture of our children here, the young generation is different than the culture obviously, of the parents when they grow up, there's similarities, there's things that wisdoms that they benefit from these are all very, very important. Number two,
the idea of compatibility and chemistry is actually very, very important to stop the process on a lot instead of adventures in a hobby that allows you to do maganda he said that souls are like commanded soldiers, if they find someone that they like, or they draw to, you see that they're, they're attracted to one another. And they find that they don't like one another, then they repel one another, they stay away. Right? He said, The scholars say that Allah created souls with personalities that attract towards those they like, and also may not, you know, be attracted or stay away from those who they don't like, have you ever met somebody you never met them in your life and
I really liked that person. Right? Or the concept of love at first sight, or the concept of Hey, we really got along. This is all Islam accepts this. Islam is not rejected. And this is a very very important the idea that you can find something someone that you have chemistry with a compatibility you have to understand that is acceptable there's nothing wrong with them. Number three, also panels analyst man he thinks about marriage and relationships. More importantly,
Like I said,
this particular aspect, this is number four. And then we got a lot of stuff in a very, very beautiful
man in case.
He said, I have been put in charge of a orphan girls.
There was someone that came to propose to her.
And he happens to not be that well off that.
But I want her to marry this other person, which happens to be one.
But she wants to marry the one that proposed to her that stop that well.
he said, There is nothing better for two that love one another
And if you forbid,
a person who's acceptable and compatible, and righteous, from that literation corruption.
I want you to focus on something, how is the promise I set the nose toward love?
How did you know?
is a person that understands the humanity of people? He understands?
How did you end up? Which cafe Did you guys go to?
Right? How did you take you?
And this is a very, very powerful principle. And
it's just the principal.
Which means that
when he leaves off asking details,
when he asked me to ask, Hey, where did you meet him? How did you meet him? Tell me about him. All of the find ways of how they get each other to love one another. And he loves that he's leaping off asking details, then we take the generality of the principle,
powerful principles. The Prophet did not ask. Right. But the problem is that some recognize that there was love between this woman and this and this and this. So the problem
is he's compatible. He is all maturity, issues of maturity, if they have that compatibility. And this is,
even though you might want to reach back, as long as the financial people really, they have a plan for finances together.
This is understood
This is why one of my teachers, he said that, he said to his teacher, when you told him some things, I never heard that before. He said, I'm sure you've read all of this.
He said you heard something.
This is very important. This concept that
Allah subhanaw taala gave us a specific
set of conditions that we should try to reach before we even want to consider ourselves for marriage. More than that, before we consider ourselves to be in a relationship, because a relationship is invested in before a marriage. Remember this. you're investing in a relationship before marriage. What are those conditions? I want to ask you two questions. First question, what is the age of marriage in Islam called? Raise your hands? Raise your hand.
Raise your hands.
Don't worry. I'm not trying to make fun of you. I actually want to know
what's the age of marriage? All
right hand brothers.
I know you know, raise your hand. What's it called?
What's it called?
What's it called?
What's it called an Arabic? We talked about?
What is it all?
Right, Boo. Boo is the age of veterans, right?
What is the age of?
So everyone that reaches the age of the teacher needs to get married?
No, of course not. The age of puberty is not the age of marriage. And
if you're 12, or 13, I'm sorry.
That's not Asian parents, Asian parents very sad blog called the ghost,
rush to Nepal. And he described in the context of something very powerful. He said that if a man is in charge of taking care of an orphan, and if that orphan has given been given some wealth from his parents have passed away, when we give money to the orphan, last,
test them with some money and see what they do with it. If they spend
that money, what happens is they don't have maturity,
they don't have a maturity, and that age is all
that the age where you should get married. If you don't have this maturity, that is the solace for you to get married.
What are what is the age of maturity, how to reach out for things, you need four things of maturity, number one, spiritual maturity.
psychological maturity, number three, relationship or interpersonal maturity. And number four, financial maturity as well as the
financial maturity you have to have these four.
And what does that mean? Enough spiritual maturity, if somebody is not set in their faith, and they don't understand where they're going, they don't understand the connection with the law. They're struggling with the salon. Right? Your marriage is not your therapy.
Your marriage is not your therapy, your woman or your husband is not going to fix you.
Okay, spiritually, they will help you, but they will not fix you. This goes for all four levels. So your spirituality has to be your journey, that's you.
Ask yourself some very serious questions. Hey, am I taking my faith? Seriously? Am I an unapologetic Muslim? As it's important to me is, is am I do I even know anything about sockets? Right? What are the values that I that I hold dear? What are my negotiables in faith? What are my non negotiables and faith? Right? Where are you at your faith meter with a loss penalty? And if it's not going, right, well, start to deal with the skeletons in your closet. Before you go try to bring someone else into your life. Very important. Number two, which is psychological maturity, okay. Some people's have how to love they feel like their babies by their mothers, until they're 20 to 30.
Is that right? Lady? Some people enter as not men into a marriage but as young boys. You need to psychologically develop, understand manhood understand responsibility. If someone's feeding you food, and you're trying to get married, you got to ask yourself questions. Not that your mother shouldn't be nice to you, but you're a grown man.
You have to represent that level of manhood into a marriage, you have to be able to take care of another part another family. That's why the last time you said something beautiful, he said, he said that your journey is amazing. It impresses me It amazes me a man that when he's at home, he's playful with his wife and his children. But when they need him to be he's a man.
When they need him to be he's the opposite is true as well. How many of our young ladies are treated like queens and princesses by their by their fathers, when they enter into a relationship? They're expecting the man that they're with to be like their daddy that used to treat them?
reality check. That's not your daddy. That's your husband.
And for the brothers, that's not your mommy. She's also not your servants.
you send them
to me? They used to ask it
Allah described to the prophets I said you would think maybe talking about the meetings, the Sunnah of the Prophet, how he interacted with people, she said that he was he was such a man, he was in the service of his family. So you have to psychologically prepare yourself, okay? psychologically get to that level of responsibility. Number three, interpersonal which is which is two things, communication and conflict resolution. inshallah, I will
go into the details of that, and our sister as well. They will go challenge the details of that. Number four financial What does that mean? You need to be very rich man, you'd have 20,000, you know, dollars a month or whatever? No, no, no, no, no, no, you need to have a financial plan. You need to have a financial plan in your life, how are you going to take care of another person?
gibreel is not coming with a monthly stipend at the end of the month for you.
Reality Check, right? So you have to have a fight? What is that plan? Just have a plan? Is your wife went to work? Are you going to work? Is your family going to take care of you all while you study? Like all of these things? So you can play Romeo and Juliet? Right?
Or later on if you want to Islamic? Islamic anyway, both of them are equally not as long ago anyway.
The point being is
that you have to be financially set in understanding Do you have a plan? These are the four levels of maturity where somebody should have before they seek a relationship with somebody? Okay, the last Okay, then. Okay, now we got to this level. We've got to understand our own skeletons in the closet. What are my shortcomings? You write them down? Am I a short tempered person? Do I get annoyed quickly? What are my communication, positives and negatives? Can I? Do I understand women? Do I understand men? Oftentimes people jump into a relationship, they have never studied the opposite gender, they've never studied man or woman.
What is it? Like in general, we're not talking stereotyping, characterizing men or women are the opposite. But what does it mean? How do you deal with they're not the same whether
or not in equality. But a woman is not like a man and a man is not like a woman. In fact, if we treat a man and woman complete equality, in the sense of how we deal with one another, this is actually
this is a woman is programmed differently than a man in the sense of an emotional perspective, and a sense of how you communicate, of course, not an intellectual, there's many women that are much smarter than what than men? Trust me.
Right? One of them is my wife.
So she'll write a book on me.
So what we mean by that as a method of communication and understanding, and this is very, very important. The thing I will leave off with inshallah, and I leave, I know, you have plenty of probably thoughts and questions to ask in detail is then Okay, the pursuit of finding the one, people come up to me say, Shane, I don't know how to find somebody. I said, Do I look like a matrimonial site to you
have maybe one of the problems we have is, unfortunately, we have two extremes. People who are religious or more practicing, they lose complete conceptualization of how to talk to a woman, or how to talk to men, hyper sexualization within conservative circles is very, very readable. What does that mean? That means you cannot talk to a woman without thinking that she's going to be a future spouse. Or you can't talk to a man and saying this is gonna be this is problematic. The Athenian society was a society where people dealt with a level of professionalism. And at the same time, they understood that when they were ready to marry you, they would find somebody and they would be able
to communicate with them. And that would lead for them to understand two things, chemistry and compatibility, are they compatible with one another?
I'm going to tell you something very honest. Not every guy with a beard and prays is necessarily a good husband. And not every woman who wears a hijab or whatever, is not going to be necessarily a good wife.
This is a reality we have to understand. So when you go to the pursuit, there is no formula. Don't ask me for a formula. I don't know there is no, you're telling me What's the secret of love. I said, like, you're not gonna design he says, if you've never tasted love, it's like asking, it's as as it's like asking a man who can't tastes Tell me what sweetness tastes like.
So if you actually knew how to
go about it the way you should, but stay away from things that are
one of the things that are advisable is number one, your attention should be clear. your intention should be clear. And what I mean by that is you don't go to a system of interest to get married. That's called being creepy. Don't do that.
Okay, people don't like that. That is not you're not a knight in shining armor. That's not gonna happen. You might actually lose your chance doing something like that. What you do is
ask someone that may know her, Hey, is she interested in married and she says no.
Guess what, brother Don't try, right? Move on. Or maybe they mentioned you maybe should become interested all of a sudden. That's that's also the case. And number two,
when you are in pursuit of speaking to somebody, make sure that your intentions become clear very in the process of that time, meaning they should know that you're interested in marriage and, and you are interested in marriage as well. I'll tell you why. And this is all finished with this.
There was in America which as you know, America is America.
That says enough.
There was a Muslim Student Association, you all have that here. And so there was a Muslim, young man, many Muslim young woman by the way, never say a brother buried his sister. That's very weird.
Brothers, millbury sisters, a married man marries a woman that understood, let's say, I'm looking I'm looking at as a sister to marry Brother, don't look at sisters.
This is just etiquette. So a young man and a young woman, their interests, they were actually not interest they were they were speaking to one another. So all four years University, what is the entire university Muslim society seeing? They're seeing this man with this young woman? What do you think they're assuming? Eventually, they might get married? Guess what she's assuming?
That they're gonna get married, he's gonna propose the end of the four years what happens? He proposes to her friend.
he proposes to her friend and Mary's. And she's like, what happened? Why would you do that? She's like, Oh, I never thought of you that way.
I never thought of you that way.
And she not only lost this, because she never clarified or even spoke about it as men. But at the same time, what do you think our reputation was with everyone else? So if any guy would have been possibly interested, they don't exist anymore.
And this is the same way. I have another friend who did this. Who did it. He clarified after six months of knowing this, this young woman, and she said, I never thought of that. We were just a friend.
Like just a friend. What does that mean? Another one of my friends found out they were in medical school, and he met a young Muslim woman, and who's speaking to her. And after, like, some time, very short time, maybe once she understood the kind of person he is the kind of person that she is. She said, she said to him, listen to this is gonna continue, you're gonna have to talk to my father.
And he's like, What do you mean? Like, that's what it means.
And they got married, they got married because he manned up. He meant up. So I'm, I'm asking you all, with a lot of respect to men and to woman up,
right? We have a serious shortage of manhood and womanhood in our in our normal system. Okay, and that is what's causing marital problems. That's what's causing the toxic relationships. That's what's causing a lot of us to not actually invest by reading about how to actually have a relationship and studying it before we actually enter into marriage. Okay, so with that, we can bless us and inshallah, at the end I will give you some reading suggestions.
And I look forward to
comments on this as well and our sister because a woman's voice is important in this process.