Haleh Banani – Questions And Answers On Parenting

Haleh Banani
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the importance of parenting for children, as well as the challenges of teaching children about mental health and sexual abuse. They emphasize the need to be watchful of children who are sexually assaulted and not regretting mistakes, and to educate parents about mental health and its potential harm. The speakers also suggest ways to create positive environments for children, such as sharing activities and models for children to model behavior. They emphasize the importance of balancing fear and hoping for healthy growth and avoiding distraction from children.
AI: Transcript ©
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All right.

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Okay, so I'm at a calm. Welcome to the parenting class. And today, as you all have requested to do more of the q&a, parenting q&a, because I think it's very important to have your questions answered, so you can apply the things that we are talking about, because there's no point in getting more information if you're struggling with the information that we're having. Right. So inshallah I also wanted to announce that, that I will be do I just started a new parenting series at the epic master. So if any of you did not catch this, from the beginning, I know that you all are a lot of you are veteran theorists, Allen massala. But if you didn't catch it from the beginning, I will be I started

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yesterday, it's on Tuesdays at 1020. And if you you know, know, anyone in the area, or if you'd like to tune in live, that will be great. And saw last night that this melodic minor he was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. And I want to start off by reminding us of what an important task we have, right? When when we're parenting and we're taking care of our kids. I know that you're sitting there with your baby right now.

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I remember those days, you know, right now, my kids are Mashallah ages 1714 and 11, going on 17.

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And so I remember how overwhelming it could be, I remember just being in the midst of it and thinking, well, when are they? When are they going to become independent? When are they going to be able to, like all that I'm teaching them is it going to sink in? Is all this effort? You know, is it going to waste or are they really going to benefit from it, and, and I can tell you, if you're consistent, if you apply the skills and you mindfully parent, your kids, then you will see the results and you see the results like I I see the results. Alhamdulillah every time I go to a parent teacher meeting and I I get the feedback from individuals who have interacted with the kids, I I get

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the feedback when when you see that things that you really strike for things that you felt were really important to instill in your kids and you see it blossoming. That is such a feeling of satisfaction. And I've always had a handful of friends who are about 1015 years older than me, I've always loved to have older friends who are more experienced more wise. And I remember that during that, during the stage when the kids were who they were, they were toddlers and it was it was so overwhelming I would keep in contact with those friends especially my foreign teacher was very dear to my heart, also a best friend and like a mother Mashallah sister Hannah gammon. And, and I would

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always talk with her. And it would make such a difference hearing from a person who had already gone through these stages, because a lot of times, we sit and we talk with other moms who are in the same situation, and it just becomes like a big pity party, or either is a pity party, or you're you're just sharing concerns. But then when you talk to someone who's already passed through the state is really definitely very comforting. And, and it definitely makes you see the light at the end of the tunnel. So I want to be that for you, like an older sister, and share with you that as long as you stay consistent, as long as you say stay positive. And every day you make your intention, as you

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know, as you get up in the morning. Everything that you do, whether you're changing diapers, whether you're feeding, I remember the nursing would take hours and hours and and if your intention is to please Allah, and your intention is I'm going to gain Jenna, through my relationship with my kids. And that will make all the difference in the world. And when you do hit those low points, which we all do, right? Just to reassure yourself, reassure yourself first of all, that you're not alone, okay? on all of you, whether you're watching at home or here, just realize that that you're not alone. And what you're doing is not wasted effort. And even if no one is patting you on the back

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now, maybe you're underappreciated, obviously underappreciated overwork, not getting enough sleep stress that I really get it and, and just know that all of this is really worthwhile. It's really worthwhile and what you're investing in is something that is it is the most valuable investment and because your practice

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tising your kids because you're prioritizing your family, you will see the results. And those who don't do that, and I saw the difference amongst people that I, you know, that I was amongst that, that if you don't make your kids a priority, and you don't instill in them all the values and, and put that hard work, then then you see the results years down the road. And and it always makes me feel so grateful. I never ever regret the fact that I made my kids a priority that I was, you know, at home with them, even though I worked but it was around their schedule. And so just that's just a little pep talk to encourage you because I know how difficult it can be being being a stay at home

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mom, or trying to juggle work and being a parent, that's that's even sometimes harder. So inshallah I'm ready to take on some, I'm ready to take on some questions. So if you'd like to write it in, if you all have questions, because I think it's so important. It's so important to, as you're learning this information, to be able to ask your questions, if you're struggling with any technique, anything with your kids, and you're not able to make progress is really important to address it early on, rather than getting more and more information and not knowing what to do with it. So you had a question? Okay.

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My question is this, even coming?

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From cultures where, you know, we're taught to like, not always tell the kids everything, like give them all the information

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at once type thing, like for example, when it

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Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna interject like in them and kind of share the question little by little. So you're talking about how we're from cultures where we may not always be accustom to answering all the questions, especially if it comes to those taboo topics of maybe about physical intimacy about different things going on. So what is your question?

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have sons who are how old? My son is? Nine, okay?

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So nine year old, very eager to ask questions.

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Mashallah, that's good.

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So, what's the best way to answer these questions? I honestly don't even I used to want to send them to

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doesn't address it. Okay.

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It doesn't feel comfortable. Okay, so your son is coming to you asking a lot of questions about his changing body. First of all, that's wonderful. That Mashallah you've raised him in a way that he's comfortable enough to address you to share with you. Because if he is asking you, and you can address it, then you use satisfy his curiosity. A lot of times when parents try to ignore these kind of questions, what they do is, they will just look it up, and what they're going to be exposed to is just not going to be what you want them to what you want them to be exposed to. And the fact that if you have found that your husband is not as comfortable because a lot of people unfortunately, you

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know, in with our backgrounds, it is just something that is not discussed anywhere I go and I give a lecture and I'm like, has anyone ever given you the talk? And no one has gotten the talk. Right? And so it's very natural for him to shy away from it. And that's great. If you can take on that role, and be able to address it. Was there a follow up question with that? Yeah, I mean, if you have any tips on like, you know,

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this might be a topic

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of just answering questions on changing body, you know,

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okay, boys and girls, okay.

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So you have questions about the changing bodies, and how to address it, I think, why don't you take it from a more biological perspective, even like, get a book, I remember when when my son was about, like, maybe he was even like, maybe four or five. We've got a book on biology but for kids so as all like it was drawn, there was a lot of drawings and it explained so many different things and if you take it from a biological perspective,

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I think it will be a lot easier for yourself and, and make sure that he always feels comfortable to ask and not to be shy about it. You know, we never want to shame our kids because sometimes the reaction that we have when our kids come and ask us something, is exactly what's gonna shut them down. So

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sexual abuse, okay, and just how to approach talking to your kids about this idea of not letting Okay, very good point that you bring that up. Okay. So the other question is, how do you educate your kids about sexual abuse or protecting your kids from sexual abuse? I can't talk about this enough. And I, I know I've, I've brought it up on many instances, but it's, it saddens me, because almost every week, I have clients, Muslim clients that have been sexually abused by family members, it is very, very common. And you know, many times, I'm the first person that they, that they, you know, tell you and they they share with and so, it's so prevalent, and here's the way to address it.

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So if you have children, I mean, from as early as you know, three, four, after teach them, first of all, that your you know, private parks are not to be seen or touched by anyone. But you know, Mom, that and a doctor, you have to include the doctor, because if you drill in the, if you drill in them that no one is allowed to it to see you and then you have to go to a doctor, they're not going to cooperate. So you have to, you have to include that. And then talk to them about what is appropriate touch what is inappropriate touch.

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Because all those individuals who were sexually molested or sexually abused, were never told what was right or wrong. They felt it was weird. They're like, I knew it was weird. But but it was, you know, it was our mo it was, you know, someone that was my my cousin, it was someone they loved and trusted. And you don't have to be as concerned about the perverts who are like in the mall or in the grocery stores or wherever they are, you need to be watchful with the people who are in close contact. People, you trust people you love, unfortunately, and I'm not trying to instill fear and suspicion, I'm just being realistic. And I'm just saying that if your kids know, and you empower

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them, and then they will be able to get out of that situation, if they've never heard about it. And they've been taught to be obedient, listen to your elders do as you're told. And you're the elder is telling them to do something that that is that is bad. They just, they just comply. They simply comply. And it doesn't matter what age you know, I've heard of cases where people are, there's even in their 20s. And because they were not told that this is inappropriate, they end up doing it because it's a respected person, it might be a respected person in that community and maybe

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a knowledgeable person, sometimes it's the person who teaches some random stuff for Allah, you know, so one of the rules is first of all, not to not to be touched not to be seen, and what is appropriate, what isn't appropriate. And I remember being trained, I mean, I love reward my my mom, she she was very progressive. She read a lot about psychology at that time. And, and I remember her training me I actually had that bit, you know, and she she trained me that if anyone touches you inappropriately, you know, you have the right to either to hit them to scream, to run to do whatever and not have the law protected me from that. Because I was I was aware. And I think if you empower

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your kids and I and I always have this conversation with them that even if it's someone that we love and respect, but if they do anything that is inappropriate, you do whatever you need to to get yourself out of that situation. And you tell me, because I will believe you because one of the fears that people have and unfortunately, what makes the situation of being molested even worse than the actual beat like actually being molested is parents who do not listen and who call their kids a liar. And they just, I mean, that is the most heartbreaking situation. Because they are they've built up the courage. They've built up the courage to come and say something that's haunting them.

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All they need is to be comforted to be believed and protect it. What happens is that the parents will believe them. They're sometimes punished. They're like you have a bad dirty mind. And you're just coming up with this because they can't deal with the fact

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Maybe someone in their family has done something wrong, they can't, you know, they're in denial. And so they prefer to dismiss the child, and they don't protect them. So there's still many times they're still going in that environment where they're being harmed. And because they're not being believed they're not being trusted and protected. So just do your share, always be watchful, even, like when we had any kind of tutoring, any kind of grand lessons, it was always in the living room, open view, I was in and out, and I trust and respect our share. But I just I've heard too many stories, where something is happening in the other room, mom is in the house, but tutoring is

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happening. And, and the child has no way to, to protect themselves. And another thing that these predators, what they do is that they threatened the person, they threatened the person that is that they're doing this to so they either say that we're going to harm you, we're going to sometimes even threaten them with be killing them killing the family. And so this little child is very, you know, has the burden of keeping the family safe by not telling. And I would always tell my kids that.

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If someone says that to you, first of all, it's a bluff. And there's no such thing, they're just scaring you. So you have to empower them with this. I know it's a heavy subject. And you have to kind of say it a little bit at a time. But you could be protecting your kids, right? And you have to kind of on it on a regular basis when they go places, you know, just ask how's everything, you know, you don't want to like, plant something in their head. But you are going to just make a assessment when they come back. And if they're, if they're really they look ashamed, or they feel very sad, or they're very angry probe, ask find out what's going on. Okay. Do you have? Okay, they're saying what

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is the what is the best age to have this conversation with them? I think that you can't start too early. You know, from very, very early on. I remember they were my kids were toddlers. And we just had a cute song about like, no one's seeing your privates, you know, that it was just this is private. It was you know, I didn't become very, I didn't have to give too much description there was just about how important it is and building the highest, right, the modesty teaching modesty from very early on. Then as they become a little bit older, making sure teaching them no one touches these areas. And then as they get older and older than you, you know, you tell your daughter

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especially not to, you know, sitting on the laps of male male family members, it's just it's better to be avoided. And I don't like I mean, I don't like to create the sense of like fear and anxiety. I mean, we're very, very social. We're very close to our family members.

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But it's just a matter of having this being cautious. being cautious. Okay, my four year old daughter too much. Too much moody. Okay. We're gonna address the moody four year old. Any you have any other questions?

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I have an FPS.

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So we do have a challenge. Especially

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your daughters, how old 10 and then you have a nephew who's mentally challenged 12 and he's very affectionate. Okay.

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he's not doing anything wrong, but she doesn't like it. Oh, she feels that is inappropriate touching.

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There's no way to like Help.

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Help him understand or I mean, at what capacity is he? Does he understand what he can and cannot do?

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Oh, there's a little autistic.

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I think it's a it's a very good opportunity to teach your child about about mental retardation and the capacity and not he is not doing it intentionally. And maybe in situations like that when he is showing affection. And she's feeling uncomfortable, how to get involved try to either either somehow either distract, or allow him to show affection to you just so

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You're not making your daughter feel uncomfortable, because I think she needs to, she needs to trust her gut instinct, because if something doesn't feel right,

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oh, no, she doesn't need to react like that. You don't need the yelling in the screen, I think you need to just let her know understand that it's very different when someone who is not the sound mind, if they do something is very different from someone who is of sound mind. And so instead of this reaction, just come tell me, I'll take care of it. So we don't need the drama. Right. So just tell me and then you kind of you engage somehow. Okay. Any other questions? Shall we take on the question of the, let's see Moody, Moody, four year old, a lot of

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moody four year old, that's very common. You know,

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first of all, you have to make sure that their needs are met. Okay. I remember very early on, my mom actually figured out with my daughter that as soon as she gets hungry, she'll become very moody. So she, we kind of keep track, she was calm, and she was so helpful taking care of the kids when she was visiting. And as soon as she felt a few hours have passed, that they hadn't eaten. She'd be like, okay, okay, come on, let's, let's quickly get some to eat, because she saw the change in the behavior. And to this day, it's like that is so funny. Because I'll say, when you get married, I'm going to make sure to tell your husband, keep her tummy full, you'll see a very happy person. So

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make sure that you that their needs are met that it's not that they're sometimes it's because their sleep pattern has been messed up. I had a I had a client, who was telling me as she was probably like, in her 20s. She goes, you know, when I don't sleep, I just because she's like I become a monster, you don't understand how much I change. And all of us are affected to some extent, right? Whether you're hungry or sleepy, but others it can really have a profound impact. So make sure that those needs are met. And then see Is it

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is it that they are requiring more attention. Many times when you have that moodiness, crankiness is because they're just, they're craving your attention, and they don't know how to get it. So when a child is sitting quietly, and they are doing what they need to be doing, how many of you go up and you kiss them and praise them for being good and quiet? Nobody? Nobody ever does that.

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I'm not approaching that. They're gonna get distracted. They're gonna stop being good. But how fast? Are we on it? If they're acting out?

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You're acting out, you're over there. It is, in a heartbeat. You're there. What are you doing? This is wrong, right. So

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kids very early on, figure out that acting out gets a lot of attention. And when they miss you, when they're bored, when they want some interaction, when they're tired that their video games, they start acting Moody, because they know you're going to you're going to give them the attention that they need. And kids, they prefer negative attention over being ignored. So even like let's say in a classroom setting, the child does not want to be ignored. They rather like get up and yell and scream and get the teacher mad at them than being ignored. So just be aware of that. Be aware, catch your kids doing good. And see if that moodiness will will settle down when your needs are met.

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You're giving them attention. And another thing is being mentally stimulated. If you have a bright child, and you're just letting them roam around all day long, jumping on the couch, going on under the table. Nothing to do by playing with pots and pans. They're going to be very frustrated. I know with with my son, Mashallah. He really required mental stimulation. And I knew that a day that he if I didn't have the time, let's say we had a visitor, I wasn't able to give him that, that chunk of time of teaching him something, he wouldn't be in a good mood. I remember even when he went to the nursery, and it was like a just a play day and there wasn't learning he was just like, it wasn't

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himself because he required that. So get these things met and see if that changes inshallah.

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Let's see.

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Scared, my daughter is scared from clowns. All right. I don't blame up I mean, with all that's going on and in the news, and I think it's kind of like maybe it's a bit of a propaganda is what I hear because of that movie. There's some movie coming out about clowns. And anyway, whatever your child is afraid of

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with the red nose.

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Well, there's some incidents in the

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Use about Yeah.

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I think I haven't heard the news myself, but it's just through the grapevine that there have been some what has like theft or murder? I don't know.

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Be careful. Be careful of clowns.

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Okay, that's lovely when the older when the older child scares the younger child about the clowns taking you away, like I said before, make sure that you validate your kids, if they're scared, don't be Oh, you're so silly. Don't be afraid of clowns, validated saying I understand, you know, if there's anything if you heard anything in the news, we have to be careful. We have to be watchful, Allah, I'm a little bit more cautious I used, I used to just take long walks in the woods and not even think twice about it. I'm like, you know, maybe maybe we should, maybe we should walk into the open and be more careful. So make sure you address where this fear is coming from. Any other

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questions? Let's see, Heidi,

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your son is hearing stories about the clown stories, and it's exaggerated, okay.

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He's becoming paranoid because of the exaggerated stories that he is.

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I think it's important to address it in that, you know, anything that we hear, we have to take it with a grain of salt. And we have to realize that a lot of times people like to add a little extras like add a little spice, right and add a little spice to the story to make it a little bit more entertaining. And you need to instill that, you know, as long as you are doing your share, like tell him you can protect yourself, do your dogs do your protection, nothing to fear except a law and, and empower him in that way so that he's not so fearful because the worst thing is your child starting to feel paranoid. You know, sometimes I even could try to limit the amount of the Islamophobia that

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is presented because I'm like, you know, if my kids hear that day in and day out, they're going to be petrified of going out when you see some of these shows that people are coming out with guns and saying anti Islamic rhetoric, it will instill a lot of fear in adults, you know.

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I mean, yeah, we need to keep up with the news but be you know, you have to limit that exposure with the kids because they just they they do get overwhelmed easily so you need to just talk to him, allow him to express his feelings let him know that sometimes things are exaggerated and you know you're be safe. I think it's important to teach safety being cautious and safe rather than paranoid because being paranoid it just immobilizes you There's nothing nothing beneficial comes out of it.

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How old you have a 12 year old daughter

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she started wearing hitop my sama congratulations. Did you give her a hit job party?

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You need to okay this is just a side note. Remember your question, but if your daughters are you know, living living in the US or living anywhere and they take that initiative to put on the hijab, you need to celebrate it. You need to put you know make a big party and in when we were living in Egypt, we had over a dozen hitch up parties Michelle Tabata cola with the people were coming to the classes whether ladies or teens and he just make a cake get everyone to chip in and get a you know, get hit jobs because when you start off you have a limited selection. And so this is a wonderful way to to encourage this because it's not a it's not an easy step. And the more supportive You are the

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better it is.

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Mashallah, she wanted to do it which is great whether she wanted to know but just celebrate it.

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People are looking at her some of her classmates are looking at her funny, okay.

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Okay, so it's very natural. She worked all sudden in the middle of the school year. At the beginning of the school year, she put on his job.

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And people are treating her a little differently. This is completely natural. I mean, I remember when I, when I first put it on, there was a lot of even close friends, right? A lot of close friends reacted differently to it family members, you know, at least she has the support of the family, I didn't have supportive family members even. So I think you need to just teach her to be happy and confident with herself, and knowing that she's pleasing a law and not being worried about pleasing all the people. And I think as long as she's confident as long as she holds her head up high, and I remember when I first decided to put on his job, because I it was not something that was instilled

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in our household. It was actually I went against the entire family when I put it on. But when

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an advice I was given to me by a very dear friend who is a little bit older, she said, when you wear it, wear it with your head held high, be proud and confident. And when you do that, then everyone else who is kind of like, you know, what is this and they're making fun, they it will all subside. It's only when you're insecure, when you are not comfortable in your own skin when you feel like oh my gosh, they're you know, they're making fun, and they're teasing. And when you have that mentality, that's when people will attack, right? Because bullies always attack that that weak person who can't defend themselves. I have seen and I'm like, I'm so impressed with people in the

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public school, putting on the hit job becoming presidents of, you know, president of their class becoming. What is that? Well valedictorian, we know, yeah, which is, which is great, but I'm even talking about within the popularity, right. But being in a position of being class favorite, or everyone choosing them for some kind of some kind of honor. And that's because they're comfortable with themselves. So I think if you teach your daughter not to overlook it, and I think that was something that I had to train myself, because I was, I was used to being very well liked, amongst my peers. And, and then when I put it on, I did see a discrepancy. You know, not everyone was smiling

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like before, and I had to like kind of learn to look kind of beyond that, those looks, right. So not to look down and feel like a shame but look above and beyond and not and not focus on the negativity, be very happy about those individuals who are accepting make sure that you surround her with positive peer pressure and positive friends outside of the school. Like maybe in the masjid or family friends, who are my heads up and she gives the support group because doing it on your own is it is very challenging. Okay. What do we have?

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Okay, let's see. Okay, living in the USA, I'm going to take one of the questions, how do you deal with? How do you deal with a teen girl who has one culture at home, and another culture at school? Okay, that was my life for me,

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for many, many years, and it's, you know, it's really about feeling,

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making, you're making your child feel very confident and happy with who they are one of the things that my mom would always say is like, take the best of both cultures take the best. And not to feel that you have to completely abandon one or the other. It's about balancing that recognizing the the good that you have in your own in your culture, and recognizing the good that you can learn you can don't go and just demonize the other culture, it's very easy to do that. But there are very, a lot of good qualities that we can we can learn, right? And so it's about balancing it out. It's about making sure that there's a positive association, to to Islam, to all the things that you're trying

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to instill. Because if they go to school, and everything is about fun, and living it up and enjoying yourself, and then at home, it's all about restriction, and your negativity and punishment. Very soon, they're going to leave this behind and join the fun. So that's why that's why like I suggest, if you you replace a let's say, a hot arm activity with halaal activity, so for instance, you don't want to celebrate a lot of other things celebrate the hitch up, right? That way, they feel like you know, we're not missing out like, with my kids. There are a lot of things that we gave up for the sake of a lot of celebrations that you know, I personally grew up with, but I felt that I want to

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live my life in accordance to the Koran. And so now I want to please a lot and my husband and I were on the same page on the law. But I wanted to also make sure that the kids are not feeling deprived that they don't feel like I'm missing

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I don't get any of the fun, I don't get the parties. So what we would do, let's say instead of like a birthday party we would do, we would do like we're on parties, where after every Joe's of memorizing have a big party cake and you know, kit friends would come gifts, all this. And so they always are, we would have in the school party, or my son, he got well known for his end of school party, they would tell their moms don't plan anything, Kenny was having games having his party. So it was something that he looked forward to didn't feel like he missed out. Because what do they want, they want the cake, they want the presence, they want the fun. So you come up with your own

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reason, have that and don't let the song be all about restriction, don't let it be about what you can't do, then this is a lot of times we get into that mode of just head on head on head on head on head on. And then they're ending up with and then they look to the society and everything's about fun and celebration. So we really have to try to balance that out. Create a lot of positive association to the Hello activities, right? Making eight very special, you know, light up the house, get presents, do special things get gifts. You know, if you do that, then they're not going to feel like they're missing out on anything.

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Your 12 year old, what do you feel?

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Oh, you're like that about her? She's very. Okay. So she's describing that her daughter is very strict on herself. So she wants to be super,

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super Perfect.

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Okay, about which, which I mean, that's good that it's coming from her and not from you. Right?

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That's, that's challenging. So what else does she do other than?

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Okay, so she's worried that she's not concentrating and trading and the prayer and being tense, okay, this you have to be cautious about because I feel like this might be the start of obsessive compulsive behavior, okay. Because I've dealt with a lot of clients who have obsessive compulsive disorder, and what happens, and if they're religious, it comes out in religious practices. For instance, I had, I had a brother who would take almost half an hour to do his widow, because it just felt like it wasn't perfect enough. Or sometimes they would repeat the prayer, three, four times. And that's really going to be damaging, because people can sometimes barely make it that one prayer,

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imagine redoing it, you're going to be very burned out. So I think you need to talk about Allah's mercy. You need to talk about forgiveness, and the fact that you do the best that you can, and not you're not expected to be perfect. And all of us at prayer at anything that we're doing, we get distracted. And we are rewarded for the periods of time that we are focused so you can help her with let's say, mindfulness training, but, but tell her not to be that that strict because if you feed it, this is like a monster. The OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder is a monster. If you feed it, it will grow out of control. I have clients right now they're 19 years old, they have this disorder.

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And you know, it's so debilitating, because they can't they cannot go beyond this idea of everything has to be perfect. And it can be in the prayer. It can be with their with their clothes, it can be with their job, even the job like how it the perfect it has to be perfect. They will not leave the house for an hour and a half until they get it just the way they want it. So you don't want to feed the monster want to make sure that you teach her about Allah's forgiveness and mercy and all those good things.

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You're trying to tell her but I think you need to focus on teaching about Alice Rama, you know, we have to have that balance. A lot of times people are all about Allah Rahman r Rahim, I don't you know, and they don't do anything and they just expect that forgiveness. And then there are some individuals like I have clients in their 40s and they're so filled with anxiety, and they feel that Oh my God, I've done so many bad deeds, and I'm going to be punished and they're living in that state of anger.

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So neither is you know, neither is healthy. So you have to balance that. That's why you have to have that fear and hope simultaneously. Because if you're all hope, then you're not going to be worried, you may do a lot of mistakes. And if you're all fear, you're going to be immobilized. So just balance that out. I'm going to see if I can take a few other questions from here.

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Let's see. All right, for effective right now she's doing her homework and Okay.

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All right, my son is 12. And he just can't stop arguing including school, he gets in trouble, please suggest any strategy, okay? You need to maybe guide him towards going into law. Individuals are very argumentative. I had, I had a cousin who is extremely argumentative. And that's, that's kind of like the direction that that she took to be went into law and just pursued that. And she's very, very successful. You know, so I'm just joking. But sometimes, these traits that are so annoying to us as parents can actually be, it can be positive, in the sense that it has to just be channeled in the right way. Remember what I was talking about strong willed children, right? And if you have someone

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who has a strong will, you just have to channel it in a way where you get them to, to apply it in a healthy manner? So if he's argumentative, why not suggest putting him in the debate club, okay, so where he can gain the skills, and that he can, you know, have an outlet where he can get that out of his system, because some people just like, let's say, some individuals are very, very active, they're hyperactive, and they need to have that physical outlet, they need to go into martial arts, or they need to be playing a sport. Because if they have all that energy, and they don't get it out in a healthy way, then they're going to be destructive, disruptive, right? So try to channel it. And

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I had this with, actually, I think one of my nephew's was very much argumentative, went into debate became, I think a champion right champion today, Mashallah. Very, very successful, and he pursued law. So that's why I'm saying that that might be an outlet. But

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the thing is, make sure that you don't engage in a childish back and forth, okay, a lot of times, parents kind of get drawn into the drama of Yes, it did. No, it didn't. Yes, it did. So try to maintain your maturity, when you're having discussions with your, with your children, that it doesn't become this back and forth, where you can have a healthy adult discussion and if they learn how to do that, that's, that's actually very helpful. Okay. So try to model the correct behavior yourself, where you're not being childish and doing the back and forth not arguing and saying, you know, I really want to have this discussion with you. But let's, you're, you know, you're you're an

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adult now, Mashallah, let's have an adult discussion. And you model it, you had a question?

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Okay, and so what is what is your question?

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Okay, so if if your kids are only arguing with you and not with anyone else, well, this this situation was I think they're even getting in trouble in school, which I think it's, it's a blessing if they're not doing it with everyone, because it kind of limits the damage. If you are having issues at school, I would, I would recommend getting maybe a counselor, someone that could talk to him someone other than yourself, because obviously, maybe there's not a good rapport, and you need that third party, someone else to intervene to try to try to ease the situation. But as far as with yourself, I think part of arguing part of

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this kind of may be questioning questioning authority. It's it's a normal part of teenage years, because what's happening is that they're trying to gain autonomy from their parents. And if they do it at this stage, it's actually very healthy. I've seen individuals who are just completely obedient kids, they never, you know, act it out. And all throughout their, some people are smiling. It's like, that was me.

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That was me to, like, let's say all through those years, they are just being really, really good. But then, that this wasn't like me in their 20s. They just rebelled. Okay, I have one client, who was good all throughout her teenage years and also in 20. She chose

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She just became this wild woman. Right? And so that's, that's not healthy. So let him go through his gaining autonomy at this age where it's more contained. And it's more it is the right basically behavior in the teenage years. And don't oppose it, don't make a big deal about it and just try to find out what's the root of the problem, right? Maybe it has to do with the fact that he's not feeling that things are fair. Maybe there's some level of injustice. I think that's why if, if we're very cautious about being fair, and just with our kids, they may not be as argumentative because a lot of times they have this really good sense. Yeah, there's these like, really guilty smiles. They

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have this sense of justice, there's a feeling of justice. So if something is unfair, oh, why does my brother get to go and I don't get to go? Why is, you know, why is this and why? And when they see that in justice, they're gonna speak up. And I think the more careful you are about being just and fair, the less argumentative that they're going to be inshallah, okay, yes, I hit the I think I hit the nail on the head. All right. Let's see.

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How do you teach your three year old to report stuff? For the parents? How do you strengthen their self confidence? Okay, how do you encourage them to share, you know, we always have this way of reconnecting, like, whenever I picked my kids up from school, I always loved picking them up from school, because I would just get so much you know, raw information that emotions are right there. Because if they're dropped off by the bus, they had, like, let's say, 3040 minutes and, and kids forget so quickly, right? So when I pick them up, I would start asking, not interrogating, please know the difference. Because even when I'm doing marriage counseling, sometimes adults don't know

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the difference between asking questions and interrogating questions are Sweetie, how was your day? What you know, what kind of fun things did you do? And what did you learn? And it's all about curiosity and concern and compassion, and interrogations, like what did you do? Where did you go with? What did what happened today? Who did who touched you know, that's interrogation. And a lot of times, unfortunately, like I said, even as, as, as a spouse, people end up interrogating one another other than asking questions, so make sure it's loving, compassionate, you're gentle. And you ask things like, what was good about today? Did anything happen? That that made you sad? What was the

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funniest thing? And you ask all these? What did you learn? Right? And how did you add value? I always follow it up by how did you add value because your life, your existence has no matter. If you're spending eight hours in school, you better have some positive impact, because that means your life is not worth you know, not worth living if you're not having an impact. And that teaches them that trains them and and then you find out about their day you find out what's going on. That I and so Okay, so about reporting. So if you're in the habit of asking these questions, and you're connecting, and you're showing interest and you're loving, and you're compassionate, then they're

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going to feel comfortable. If you have no connection, if you don't ask, and if if they do share, you're kind of like what what happened and you're getting mad and they get punished, then that's going to shut down. So make sure and then building self confidence is about making sure that you don't call them names. You don't belittle them.

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Even if they do something wrong. It's you are saying that this was a really bad behavior. You don't say that they're their bad girl. You never say bad girl bad boy, and make a shame them. It's about recognizing that the behavior was bad, and just always, you know, catching them doing good. I think that's the best way to build self esteem. And I think, Oh, I have a session right now. So thank you for coming in. And thank you for tuning in and Sharla like I said, next, next week, Tuesday, I've started a new parenting series at epic master starting 1020 you can tune in live inshallah and then Wednesdays is that 1015 All right.

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Let me just turn this off.

In this episode Sr Haleh goes through some questions and answers relating to parenting.

Oct, 2016

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