Never ever do this in your marriage! Advice For Muslim Couples – Islamic Psychology

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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never, ever do this in your marriage. So Aliko My name is Hala. Banani empowering you with psychological tips and spiritual support Bismillah was salat wa salam ala Rasulillah. So what is it that people do in their marriage and it destroys it. I hear this all the time from my clients, they have a dispute, there's something they're frustrated about. They are a wanting to address the issue. But how do they do it, they do it in a text, and they start sending messages back and forth. Sometimes the spouse is at work. And the wife is really frustrated and sending tech, sometimes a woman is at work, and she's getting texts, or she's at home with the kids, and she's very

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frustrated. And this back and forth, it is the worst thing that you can do in your marriage. Why is it so terrible? First of all, that with the text, you should look forward to receiving a message from your spouse, I don't know if those of you who may have

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met earlier on and there was this anticipation, whether it was with a phone call, whether it was a text, or whatever it was, there needs to be this, like, oh my gosh, okay, I'm hearing from my spouse, there should be some excitement. But if you're constantly sending nasty messages to each other, it's going to make the person not even want to answer your phone calls, they're not even going to want to, you know, text back, because I know what this is going to be about, they're just going to chill me out. They are frustrated. And there's like a long list of criticism, you don't want to have that negative association, your name pops up, that should light up their world. And if

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it doesn't, then and they think, Oh God, here we go. Again, he's gonna He's going to complain about a whole bunch of things. She's gonna go whining about things, and then people take it as far as blocking each other because the constant messaging, and some people will tell me some of my clients will tell me that it's because we never get a chance to talk. And I'm mad, and I gotta get it out of my system. That is really, that is never an option, Do not text nasty messages to your spouse, or trying to resolve a conflict. When you are not in the same place, you have to do this face to face you guys, it's hard enough when you are doing it face to face. What if you're sitting there and

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texting, when you're texting to one another, you don't hear the tone, a lot of times you read into the tone, okay, and I have experienced this not with my spouse or loved in law, we don't do that. But when it comes to there's someone that you have a tense relationship with, and you get a message, you can easily read a tone into it, and the person may not have that intention, but you read into it. So that's the first thing is that you don't hear the tone. And as a lot of times you need follow up you need clarification. And all you need is to check an assumption. When you check that assumption, then you know, it just dispels anything, but when you don't, and you're just reading

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into it, you have Sue as then you're assuming the worse you have those negative you have the negative narrative, you're reading a tone into it, and it cannot it cannot do you any good. It's actually a disastrous thing. What I have seen clients do is that they constantly text back and forth. And it escalates. I have never seen a situation where a husband and wife they're texting back and forth, fighting, complaining, and then it ends peacefully, they will usually end up in my office more frustrated than ever. And I keep telling them we had an agreement, Do not text when you're angry, you know what text messages need to be for, they need to be for several things. So what you

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tell the person how much you love them, okay, that would be a nice text, you tell them how much you miss them. And you tell them they go pick if you need them to pick up milk or bread or meat from the grocery store. Okay, so those are the three things you need the text messaging for it is you either tell them, You love them, you miss them, or please grab some grab some chicken on your way home. All right. If it's other than that, your spouse is going to start having a very negative association. They're not going to want to take your calls. And this is one of the biggest complaints I get is that my husband never responds to my tax or my wife I call her and she doesn't pick up and I tell

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him what has whatever your messages been like and they say I chew out my spouse Michael, how do you expect them to be excited to pick up your phone call or respond to your text when you have this negative this negative view you're just pouring negativity on the on your spouse so it really makes a difference. I'm sure all of you have had one individual in your life that their text is all

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He's something annoying some as a complaint a criticism, and you don't even want to read it, you really don't even want to click and read it because it's going to just open up or trigger your emotions or put you in a bad mood or whatever it is. So don't be that person for your spouse, whatever you do, try to do it in person, learn the skill. So it's marriage mending Monday. And my message to you do not solve your problems. Don't ever, never ever

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text, the problems, your complaints, or whatever it is, because what ends up happening is that it just escalates and it gets much worse. What you need to do instead is leave those text messages for a way to connect. It needs to be some form of affection, kindness, and you may say, Why should I be? Why should I be affectionate when they're being so annoying? You can sit there and play chicken with your spouse who's going to give in first, who's going to apologize first. But that's it's very juvenile to do that. And I have seen individuals that when they take responsibility for their contribution to the issue, now, I'm not talking about abuse. I'm not talking about infidelity. I'm

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just talking about people who have issues with each other. Okay. And there is no, it's not necessarily any kind of abuse, I just have to get that out there. So you don't

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you don't think I'm telling you to just overlook the abuse, all right. But when there's just some issues, and you're waiting for your spouse to take that initiative, and they don't, and you're just holding your breath, you had a client that I told her, You think you're punishing your spouse, by being cold and being distant and shutting down, they actually you're punishing yourself, because how hard is it when you do that. And then she said, You know what, I took your advice.

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I decided I'm going to be easygoing, I'm going to put in my effort. And it's just so we had a wonderful weekend because I was in a better mood. And I wasn't punishing him because I was actually punishing myself. So this is very important for you to keep in mind that don't punish your spouse by being angry, right. And these are all the steps that I teach on my five pillars of marriage program. It is a program that is comprehensive, it is all within the Islamic framework. And it is based on 24 years of personal experience being mashallah robotic Allah happily married, and based on 20 years experience helping 1000s of people all over the world, save their marriage and help them to see

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things differently and have a whole new experience in their life. So I want to be able to help you as well. If you'd like to benefit from the seven gems to save your marriage, this is a free PDF you can download on my website, how to build it.com and learn and apply and see the difference that it makes. So no more text messaging mean things and trying to solve your problems, do it in person. And when you do it in person, you got to know how to do the skills because most people don't not conflict resolution. They do all the wrong things and I just tell them my goodness, you just need to learn the skills, the marriage skills, the conflict resolution skills and once you have it, here's

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your problems will be solved really sometimes all it takes is 10 minutes, maximum 30 minutes and most people are willing to sit through a 30 minute discussion to resolve their conflicts. So I hope that you take the time and invest in your marriage invest in yourself and with the seven gems to save your marriage is a free PDF and I hope you benefit from it. And may Allah shower all of your marriages with so much better cut so many blessings and may you always see the best in each other and choose to be the one to take that initiative in sha Allah Take care. Thank you for tuning in, set out my leg gone