Intimacy Matters – 5 of 5

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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I am going to bring Subbu back into this discussion. And several what would you say is, how would you say that the lack of satisfaction during intimacy

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may affect women based on our discussions?

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And I'm glad that you asked me this question. Because, as we have discussed that a lot of Muslims believe that women should be able to suppress their sexual desires, if they even, you know, acknowledge any sexual desires among woman.

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Again, you know, because they are the emotional beings, they're not the sexual beings, quote, unquote, obviously, you know, I'm

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just just quoting what people say. So even if they aren't intimately satisfied, they should still survive as long as the husband is a good man, and he provides for her and you know, he's a good father. This is a general expectation from good Muslim sisters. Now,

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those of you who are familiar with my articles must have noticed that for almost two years now, my my writings have taken a shift, I'm pretty much refuting this generalization because I've been exposed to so much, you know, to so many of those sisters who are suffering because of lack of physical satisfaction in the marriage, that I, and it was so overwhelming, that I had to take a step back and think that if Allah has made me see this side of my suffering sisters, then there must be a reason, you know, I'm put in this situation, there must be something expected from me that that I, I have to see their pain, that you know, maybe I have to help spread awareness about them. So they

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could be a solution in sha Allah. And initiation that Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Muslim matters, you know, I love I love Muslim matters, because it has always given us a platform to express ourselves and a humble light. The initiation by Mmm, took place last year with the sex martial law series. And he saw, yes, holidays, you know, Heenan Jazakallah hair so much, you know, for all this with reading this discussion, these kind of articles for us. And we saw how many comments we received from sisters who were not physically satisfied, which was causing an emotional emptiness in them. So it was not the other way around that because of emotional dissatisfaction. They couldn't

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enjoy intimacy, rather, it was just the opposite, because they were not physically satisfied. They were suffering through emotional emptiness. So in any case, as I was saying that I have been approached by many sisters who are married, they have no reason not to be happy, because they have a good life, a good husband, and but the husbands don't understand their physical desires and needs. And they have become so desperate that they come to me so I can remind them of the consequences of falling into a sin. They don't want to rip because they they know that their husbands would never agree. They have tried talking to their husbands to no avail. And apparently, their lives seem you

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know, apparently very nice and comfortable. But only when they get close enough to open up, you know, that they want to ask for spiritual reminders and spiritual guidance that, you know, they need to stay away from falling into any sin. However, there has to be a psychological aspect to this as well. Absolutely, actually, the cases that affect me the most are the ones that outwardly religious people coming in for therapy. And it is because of infidelity. And I've had several cases of actually married woman who were more hacha, who had the educational background, they were not

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they were not the non practicing or non knowledgeable sisters, these were people who actually, they knew better. And because they were, they had like this lack of physical satisfaction in their marriage, they did go astray. And and this really hurts me so much, because I feel that if someone is is knowledgeable and is practicing, yet they go astray. First of all, no one is immune to it. And I think this is the lesson that I get time and time again, when I'm working with these individuals that it doesn't matter whether you're a chef, whether you're a student of knowledge, whether you were all your life and you know Saudi Arabia and you have all this, you know, background, every

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single person is so susceptible to falling into errors if we don't follow the hoothoot of Allah. And this is the thing that I really walk away with when I see cases like this, and just knowing that we just have as long as we respect this, you know with this, this hoothoot then you will not fall into the error. And you find that this generation is completely

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Different, it's not like that our parents generation were the husbands and wives, they will stay in a relationship, and they will just remain miserable. There is actually this feeling of entitlement amongst this generation, they feel like I deserve to be happy. And if I don't have what I need, then I'm going to get it somewhere and they justify this to themselves. And, and you know, I've had so many men who have experienced infidelity. And even though you know, some Doc, they love their wives, I have people who have become addicted to relationships online. And you just find that they justify it, they think that they have a right to whether it's the emotional connection or the physical

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satisfaction, and they don't have the same mindset. So we need to be really aware of guarding ourselves brothers Be really careful. I think most of this happens in the workplace when you're interacting with someone day in and day out. Or sometimes it's online creating friendships, sisters fall into this a lot creating these friendships and and it always starts off so innocently, and and then it escalates. And once it escalates, it does become an addiction. And it is very hard to break that. Okay, don't have a lot. And just a reminder, we're not condoning this behavior. But this is the reality show. Shaytan is everywhere, it's around us. And it can affect anybody. So never let

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yourself get to that point where you think that you're too, you're ahead of, you know, Hey, shut down is not whispering down your, in your ear?

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Can you please continue on and give us a little bit more about how physical satisfaction can either make or break a marriage? And I'm getting questions from sisters and the to the live audience, I would do want to say that we are getting questions, some of these questions we will answer in our maybe our we will give it to our counselor so they can answer in the what's the matter column, maybe we might have specific articles written to about these questions, especially about women's whose desires are not so strong, but it is obligated to fulfill the husband when she's not interested. Another question is, what if the husband wife does not have an urge to have intercourse, the love is

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there, but she doesn't. She just can't satisfy his needs. So these are all specific questions that are specific. And I think that we will address them probably in an article or maybe through our counselors in sha Allah. So right now we'd like Holly to talk a little bit about physical satisfaction and how it can make or break a marriage.

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Well, there are, there are cases where I've seen individuals like female that they basically have everything they they have to lecture his life, and they have it all. And yet, because they lack this intimate satisfaction, they're willing to give it all up. And it might be shocking to some people, because they may feel that this is not such a big need for a woman. But what we're saying here today is that it is and it does affect them psychologically and emotionally. And they will take they will take action towards this. And there are those individuals who have the opposite reaction where they may be in a relationship that is not that good. They're not even they're not even happy with it. But

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because they have that, that physical fulfillment, they stay with it and they tolerate so much. So these are the two extremes. And then we all know that having this this fulfillment, it does it does break or make or break the marriage.

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Oh, well, I am going to go back and there's several questions just so for the audience to know that we are reading their questions and we are answering them and maybe

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one or two points could be discussed in a short point. And hopefully we will continue this discussion on another Google Hangouts. One question was, I'm in an early 40s and never married. And basically the sisters are the brothers asking that how, how can I have my physical desires be satisfied? I can't find a husband. I do wish to have an intimate relationship and I before I menopausal What are my options, please don't suggest to find a husband on Muslim matrimonial sites. You've never been in that type of site that you don't know how creepy they are. So this is also a very specific question inshallah. We will we will have one of our counselors addressed this. I'm

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happily married. I have a great husband. I'm I feel emotionally satisfied with him. I come from one of those cultures you mentioned and I did have a problem with intimacy in the beginning. But it's been two years and I can't see I've really reached climax. I don't know. I don't think it's a big weakness in my marriage. I mean, I still find myself wanting to intake engage in intimacy or to satisfied him. I find in satisfactory satisfaction in just a small acts of intimacy. Do you think someone in such a situation should still focus on trying to achieve that climax

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This is this is a good question that I would like

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you to approach

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to answer sorry.

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Maybe, Holly, I think because it ties in really well, with your next point about how essential good intimacy is for a successful marriage. I know I have been taught that good intimacy is a taste of gender on this art. And it changed my perceptions. So what what about for dystonia? How, why is good intimacy essential for a successful marriage? It's such a long list, and I'm just going to mention a few. You know, there's a lot there's biological benefits, there is a psychological benefits. First of all, it's a way of like a stress relief, when you've had, you know, when you've had a long day, when you've had all the stresses of the day, when you unite with your spouse, and you're able to

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have this connection, what it does is that all these good, feel good hormones, oxytocin is released. And, and so it is a form of stress relief. Another thing that's really important about it is just feeling that the intimacy and the emotional closeness because no other person in this world will be as close to you, physically and emotionally than your spouse. And it is about feeling connected and feeling happy, when when you have this exchange, when you have a healthy relationship, and you take part in this, this is a way of experiencing something really special, and, and enjoying it. And it's also it's also a validation, you know, we all need to feel validated, we all want to feel attractive

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and desirable. And so when you have this, this fulfilling, physical intimacy, it makes you feel appealing, and it makes you feel desired. So it is that, that no one and I'm sure all the sisters can agree to this is that no one has the power to make you feel as beautiful and worthwhile as your husband. So when you hear you could hear compliments all day, but when it's from your husband, or his from your wife, it has such a such a special implication. And it's about having this, you know, just the interconnectedness, this being interdependent on one another and a very important aspect is basically it protects you from all of the hard on relationship, because you know, the the marriage

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completes half your religion. And why is that is because there's so much fitness so many tests and trials. And if we are able to have this fulfilling marriage physically happy fulfilled, then we are we're not going to be as tempted. And when you have that fulfillment, you feel secure in your marriage. If you are not having this intimacy, there's always you know, your mind wanders and you wonder it How strong is your marriage, and this is a really wonderful way to feel secure and happy by having this fulfilling physical intimacy.

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And, Holly, I have a quick question. The two three questions have come in on this and you can address this now or you can address this in a further Google Hangout or you can address this in an article I leave that choice up to you. Some of the sisters and some of the brothers as well are saying some of the wives will say that I have a low urge is and I have no desire or have low desires or my husband does not have the desire and how and since we've just talked about how important this is. Could you talk a little bit about how to get in the mood if you're not in the mood?

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Absolutely, I think part of it is is having this connectedness having a friendship with your spouse, I think if you if someone is constantly let's say upset or they're not even spending time together what happens is that people they get married and they have kids and they don't even make eye contact anymore. So it's about having those quality time make sure you're spending quality time with your spouse. And and this is kind of a side note but it is your diet has a lot to do with it what you're eating if you if you stay away from certain things that you know it actually makes your libido it lowers the libido maybe this is something like you said as a article I could discuss this but I have

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seen personally the the effect of eating healthy and avoiding certain foods to increase the libido

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Mashallah, you know, it's kind of like this all makes you realize the creator of the world are loving, I will do this so generous and so just you know, he has made the perfect relationship for the dunya and the hora. How as we start to wrap up this Hangout.

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I would like suggestions from Subbu from you on how women can enjoy intimacy.

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I'm sure there are many ways. But since we don't have time to go into the details, unfortunately, we are running over time, almost an hour 35 minutes. So inshallah we will cover these tips in a future article on Muslim matters. I'm already done writing an article, in fact, you know, just needs to be edited and posted.

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But real quick, I want to leave my sisters with a very sincere advice. Sisters, those of you who are struggling with your cultural beliefs, firstly, I'm going to address them. Just keep in mind that when your husband approaches you or he desires you then be happy and feel wanted because he's desiring you. He's not looking anywhere else. He's not interested in anybody else. Rather, he's with you, he's attracted to you. So feel one to be proud of your marriage, that the spark is still present and you have your husband's attention, let's not perceive it as a duty that see it as a way of mutual pleasure and a way of physically connecting and bonding with your spouse. How do you

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suggest they do this?

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Okay, this advice, basically, again, we because we are tackling with a group of different you know, different type of sisters, this advice is for those woman who are in normal relationship and not suffering through some serious issues in their marriage. So they need to learn to separate their regular marital issues from intimacy, every couple has issue I mean, and that's nothing abnormal. So those issues can be put on hold. And just like a wife continues to eat or sleep or carry on with her activities of her life, even though she had a disagreement with her husband few hours ago. Similarly, she can carry on with her intimate life because you know, mentally those disagreements

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get resolved for camera in again in a normal happy relationship. So only if she starts looking at it as a

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if she starts looking at the intimacy as hard right to and, you know, as a way of her stress release, as a highly mentioned that, you know, take it as a stress release. And you know, she pointed out some really beneficial point points about how to enjoy her, for a woman to enjoy her intimacy.

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So just shift the way a wife perceives intimacy, learn to compartmentalize issues in the mind. Don't let anyone tell you that women are not capable of compartmentalizing in her mind, believe in yourself. Yes, you can do it. Remember that the biggest sex organ in a woman's body is her mind. Learn to use it in a happy marriage the quality. Also, it's a you know, as a sight point, I just want to mention real quick that it happy marriage, the quality can be compromised once in a while for the you know, this is again to the sisters, especially when majority of the time intimate life is satisfying for a wife. Occasionally sisters should be ready to offer their husbands

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and to offer themselves to the husbands without necessarily expecting reciprocation because sometimes men are just in dire need. And again, I want to emphasize this is the case when majority of the time intimate life is satisfying for a wife.

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Okay, and what about sisters with a higher, higher drive?

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You mean those sisters who are applying these techniques, but their husbands are the ones who are not aware of their physical needs? Or just the category you're asking? Yeah, I'm asking you about the sisters who have a higher drive them their husbands because we did get a question like that. Okay, okay, so

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the sisters who have higher sexual drive than their husbands or the sisters who have a drive and they are not being satisfied by their husband as the comment you mentioned earlier, for all those suffering sisters of mine

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who have husbands that failed to understand your sexual desires and needs.

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I really hope and pray that those husbands listened to this talk. And they own up to the responsibility of satisfying their wives. And I really hope that they realize that just like their wives are a garment to them, keeping them from being exposed to since they two are the same garment to their wives. So please brothers, listen to your wives, recognize their sexual needs, and understand their struggles.

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For the sisters, you know, know that it is better for you to please a law than the family or the community or the family.

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affectations or the so called family honor.

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I also have a message for our community leaders and Imams, that while there is so much said about fulfilling husbands rights of physical intimacy, please educate the brothers about the importance of satisfying the wives in bed to

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Holly and as we are getting ready to end this, could you speak a little bit about how it could impact the marriage?

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Well, definitely your physical satisfaction and marriage, it has a huge impact on your marriage, I want everyone to really take this information inshallah, and apply it in your life. If you

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see that you have some limiting beliefs, work on yourself, get help overcome these limiting beliefs. And really try to try to make this aspect of your relationship better, don't just ignore it, it's not going to go away, it's not going to go it's not going to get better if you don't address it. And we're really hoping our intention of doing this was you know, to create awareness, and we are hoping that this discussion will inshallah open up the dialogue between husbands and wives, and between parents and their teenagers. So that you know, once and for all we can, we can communicate about this really critical aspect of our lives and support each other to having a more fulfilling marriage

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inshallah.

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We realized that this is a very broad topic, and not every subject or situation can be addressed. And since this was the first time the subject was tackled by the sisters on Muslim matters, some and this was the first time the subject was tackled. Some of these topics are addressed in some of our previous series. Please read them on Muslim matters, the Muslim vignettes on sexuality. We will discuss some of these other points, perhaps in future Hangouts. It is an honor to as a final ending note, I would like to say that it is incumbent upon husbands to find out where their wives are on this range of spectrum that we have talked about today, what she likes, and what she dislikes in the

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same manner. The wives also explore their, with their husbands and let them talk to them about what they like and what they dislike. There's an abundant amount of misconceptions and tropes out there, learn from one another, don't judge one another, help each other out to get to gender. I mean, we're on this path together to gender. Another thing that just signing off, I'd like to say get fit sisters bond outside the bedroom, become your husband's friends, so you can carry that fervor inside the bedroom too. And remember, you sisters, especially initiate sometimes Remember, you're not just a taker, you're a giver, as well. And find things to do in your life that make you happy. I feel

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like a lot of times sisters we have a lot of them have one or two kids, it's all about the kids and the dishes and things like that, lets you know find happiness somewhere you You didn't die, just do you know, your personality didn't end because you got married and have children or you know, or you're working and it's tiring. Find something that makes you happy. Because when you're happy and you give your pledge he had pleasure then you will find your happiness is not dependent on your husband. So it's a balanced relationship you're not expecting him to make you happy all the time. And you're, you know your happiness is coming from yourself and then you can share your happiness

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with him. So this really helps with the low urges that a lot of the sisters are asking about in the questions. Male Jazakallah here to the audience for joining us and to Subbu and Holly for their time and their work

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because I care for Muslim matters to providing us this platform and always assisting us you know in expressing the female perspective on on different issues. Definitely thank you and it's been lovely talking and working with you. We've spent many hours together the past

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it's been all worth it. I know we're all a bit hesitant it is a controversial issue, but inshallah that everyone knows our Nia and it will be beneficial. So just like Allah

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May Allah bless all of us with loving, passionate and fulfilling intimate lives.

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I'm ending this now. Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh