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Intimacy Matters – 4 of 5

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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handed in that this exemplifies the second point that we're going to move up to. We've already covered erroneous beliefs on on how women were raised. The second reason we want the second reason that we want to cover is women experiencing incomplete and unsatisfactory intimacy with their husbands. So, Holly, I'm going to direct this question to you. What have you heard from women in your professional life about this particular point, and especially from that comment that came in? Well, actually, I, you know, my heart goes out to the sister, there are 1000s and 1000s of sisters with this very same dilemma. It is not uncommon, I hear it all the time. And you know, what happens

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is that a lot of sisters actually repress a lot of their emotions, they want to play the role of a martyr in the relationship, and they want to have that mentality of being patient and enduring, which is all admirable, and it's all good, Mashallah, however, all of this suppression will one day, it's like a volcano that will erupt. And you have to be careful about that. That's why it's so important to discuss these issues, to have it resolved, and not to just, you know, just sweep it under the rug. And what I have seen with, regarding your question, that generally women are capable of experiencing climax. So they come in, and they tell me that they're in their relationship, their

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husband is not able to fulfill them. And my first question is, are you capable of experiencing it, and they do claim that they do. But what happens is that either it is the lack of knowledge, because a lot of men, you know, as you were saying, Hannah, they are brought up in, you know, maybe very, either sheltered environment where they're lowering their gaze, they have no interaction with women, so they have no experience dating or doing any of these things that we we don't approve of within, within the Islamic text. Or they're learning about intimacy and physical intimacy, through porn, and through means that are not helpful for the marriage. So they say they lacked the useful knowledge,

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and, and the skills, they may not know, all of the details about four play, how to get their wife stimulated. And another aspect of this is that they may not spend enough time during foreplay. And there's also these misconceptions that we've all been talking about Saba, you mentioned that, about how a lot of men have this feeling that maybe their wives are just not capable. And if you think about it, if a man really believes that his wife is not capable, how hard is he going to try, he's going to convince himself that this is not going to happen, and not put time or effort into it. And sometimes it's the lack of patience, the lack of patience of men, which makes it a bit difficult. So

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if you don't put enough time, if you don't put enough effort into the preparation and into into the foreplay, it will become painful for her to experience the climax. So I had actually one client, who was so frustrated from this lack of climax, that she would actually get into fights with her husband, because what happens is that the anxiety builds the frustration builds. And like I said, these are all repressed emotions that will become explosive, in one way or another.

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And here we are blaming men, because and put up because I don't want anybody to think that it's like, oh, you know, it's all the husband's fault. And he didn't, because obviously look at, you know, like you said, hollywood if they're coming from a culture where these things are not talked about, especially here in the western anywhere in the world. Now with media all over the place. they're exposed to hypersexuality, everywhere, bombarded from all sides, and then the turning towards internet porn, and it's just giving everybody a really horrible sense of what the spiritual and beautiful act should be like. And this is how they're first exposed to it. It just, it just

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breaks my heart to think about that. But, but the great thing from this that we're learning, especially from Hollywood, what your skin's constantly telling us that they can learn, they can change, they can the men can change and the women can change. So what are some of the skills so let's talk about that, like some of the skills that can be learned. So men, when women complain about physical intimacy being painful to the lack of foreplay, it's not hard in this time to in these times to learn about how, what is for play what makes and talk to your wife, what makes her feel better.

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We have to learn we have to think notes facts like this. That more than

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Half women possibly research by Alfred Kinsey and share height says that

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some more than half of all women do not regularly reach climax by by penetration alone. And this is

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a you know, like you hear this stuff and you're like, Okay, how do you apply this to our life and even those husbands who may have known and when they don't want to take the trouble to find a to provide the additional stimulation necessary for their wives. This is exactly what Holly's talking about when she says that they get in you know it the frustration builds up.

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Let me of doing our own research about this. So Pamela about foreplay, you know, what more could we want from our text when our Islamic texts when we go back to the point where there's religious not only one will not put into the effort unless they realize the necessity and the religious importance of doing so. So, if you look at Islamic tests, Imam ibni Obama, the humbly jurists narrates Hadees that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire, like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does. This is how, how, how are pious predecessors and the people who came after them they were taught and

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we're yet we are taught by magazines and media Subhanallah so but I want you to elaborate more on the importance of fourth play from an Islamic point of view.

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Definitely, you know, and it's upon Allah Islam as the perfect religion has not only recognized the crucial need of woman reaching her climax, but has even laid out specific instructions for men. The eye from Surah Al Baqarah that I quoted earlier. Similar to him, Rahim, er Hillel accom, Laila Matsuyama Rafa Sewell Anissa echo in this worse basically it's a it's a long word. So in this word, Allah Spano Tallis

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is referring to the same act into different words. So, in the beginning, it's called prophet Zoo and then later on, it said for Ana Basha ohana and the second word is Bashar. Now the most translations of Quran

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translate both of the terms as sexual intercourse and I always wonder, you know, what could be the wisdom of using two different terms in the same verse for the same action? It was not until I asked to share I realized that the difference in the two terms was simply lost in translation, or offer which comes first in the worst it's it literally means speech that may be a means of inducing coitus speaking to entice one spouse, so basically in simpler language, it is the the sexual talk with the wife. This panel light you know, amazing how Allah azza wa jal himself points out to the fact and the necessity of enticing a woman through speech and foreplay. And we have, you know, we take a

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chronic and we look at the tipsy and we look at it from the Sunnah and from the Sahaba and from the scholars and of the past. So Mr. Dana meter chords, the narration on the authority of Anna's Eben Malik that there was Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is reported to have said, one of you should not fulfill one sexual need from one's wife like an animal, rather there should be between them for play of kissing and words. Similarly ignored by him reports in his famous at dibben gnabry that Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before for plain and that you know these are all narrated sources, from from our text. Now, going back to the

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verse the second word mentioned, in the eye is Basha, which is the actual intercourse itself. So if we take the words, in order and into consideration the word It is obvious that Basha should take place after enticing the wife and fondling her to the point that she's ready for her husband.

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It's interesting because even for that are Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam warn men not to indulge in any practice that may hinder a wife from reaching her climax. And as we look at the text and the different qualities one of one of the reasons why as well or the coitus interruptus, also known as the early withdrawal is disliked in Islam is because it may leave in wife unsatisfied. And so when the men came to us the prophets of Allah

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While he was ill, and he specifically told them to take their wife's permission.

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Now, there are always exceptional times when my husband may put in the effort, and he may take his time, but a woman may take longer to reach her climax,

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you know, to the point where,

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basically that there may be a need of a husband to use other methods to to satisfy his wife. But the point is that, you know, he should take this under consideration if she has not reached her climates.

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I'm an ally knows best.

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Okay, Holly, how? Let's shift and make a shift. And I'm going to be talking to you about how does not being satisfied with climax cause avoidance towards intimacy amongst women, because remember, we go back to at the beginning of our seminar when we were talking about so many avoidance, women are just averse and they avoid being in that setting. So can you tell me how not being satisfied with climax causes avoidance? Sure, you know, what happens is that when a woman when women repeatedly get aroused, but they don't climax, they get very frustrated, which makes them want to avoid intimacy, like you said, all together. Now, here's the the psychology behind it is that men are thinking about

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physical intimacy much more frequently throughout the day, and they're able to turn the switch on and off throughout the day without experiencing the climax. Now, as women women have a much harder time, turning it off once they're stimulated, because it's not on the mind of woman on a constant basis. And so once they are aroused, and they are they are stimulated, then there's a greater need for them to experience the climax.

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Are there other avoidance behaviors? Yes, there's a long list Actually, I hear all sorts of stories from the husbands in therapy, where a lot of times their wives set up some really unrealistic rules for the husband. In order to get physically intimate, I had one client who expected his who is who expected her husband basically for an entire week to to do all the things that that she wanted to take care of the kids to not have an argument not to ask anything of her to set up flowers to make the room perfect. I mean, the poor guy had to have everything perfect. And you know, what I what I confronted her with is that you know, what it sounds like to me is that you're setting things up so

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you know you expect perfection. And it's just it's not going to happen I mean throughout the week there's there's bound to be a discussion there's bound to like you forget an error and you forget to buy the milk you you know you don't have time maybe you get busy with work and you can't help out with the kids you know, these are all natural occurrences in our life and we have to be understanding we cannot set these unrealistic expectations and I actually have a case where

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you know, one of the husband is setting this kind of unrealistic expectation for their wife wanting their wife to do everything just so perfectly in order to have and that that's the exception but it you know, it does happen another way that that women avoid this is actually they use conjured medical excuses you know that famous and that cliche honey I have a headache and and then there's also the some actually resort to starting I've had I've had sisters actually admit to me that they don't want to get involved and so like right before it's time to sleep, they start up a fight with their husbands so so they wouldn't have to take part in the physical intimacy unfortunately.

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Holly I know body image has to play a part in this from a young age are young sisters or young daughters we've you know, body image is such a with the magazines, the girls are looking at pictures comparing themselves to models. Constantly. The guys are also looking at models not lowering their gaze and thinking that that's how women should look like. And this is unrealistic amount of expectation of what a woman's body should be like what you know, and especially, could you address the men in the audience about what many women feel about their bodies, especially because of the constant media onslaught, and especially after having children

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that stopped

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salutely brothers by Dear brothers, most sisters are extremely insecure about their appearance. I don't care how beautiful you see them how striking they may look. But when they look in the mirror unfortunately, a lot of sisters have what's called a body dysmorphia. And this is where they view themselves very differently from how others view them. And they are very insecure, they feel that they have gained weight, especially like you said, after having kids, you don't look the same as when you do when you're 20. And so they become very self conscious. And there's this feeling of I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm an adequate. And because like Hannah, you said, we're

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always comparing ourselves as females to these, you know, these these supermodels who are on the cover of magazines. And I want to just make a point here and say that these these models, these glossy images have been tainted with they have been changed and they have been airbrush so much so that you would not even recognize the person. And actually, it's funny. Cindy Crawford said, I want to look like Cindy Crawford. That's how different she looks on the magazines. And I think we have to remind ourselves that I mean, I know I made a conscious effort to remind myself looking at the magazines that you know what this is just absolutely not real, because they do have the blemishes,

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they do have the they have all this so now this is a side note going back to the brothers brothers what you can do, you play a big role in your wife self esteem, because like I said before, you are the only man that really gets to appreciate her beauty. So make her feel beautiful. Give her compliments, give her sincere compliments, not the kind like snickering or a sarcastic Oh, yeah, really beautiful. No, I mean, sincere compliments things, look for her best features, and make her really open her eyes to it. Because honestly, what happens a lot of times sisters look in the mirror, and all they see are the negative traits. So if you help build her self image, her self

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confidence, because once that happens, then she's going to be a lot more responsive to you. And especially when it comes to the act of physical intimacy, that's when you really need to open up. I know a lot of brothers may not want to converse during that. But I think that's a very important time to help your wife to you know, to lower her guards to help her to relax and to make her feel attractive. So, you know, give her the compliments that she so badly needs. And, and once you make her feel beautiful, desirable and irresistible, then she will be so much more open so much more confident and responsive. Thank you.

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Honey, there are actually some great reads on

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Muslim matters, with excellent tips that the you have written Holly,

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how to win his heart. And there's also an article that I wrote is piety, the only beauty, it's helpful to go over those articles and you know, get an idea of how to basically just prepare physically for the spouse.

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Yes, actually, um, definitely, those are like some good pointers. Now, we always have like the do's and the don'ts, right? So we address the things that we need to do the things that brothers that you can do. Now I'm going to give you the long list of things that you shouldn't do, it's actually not that long. But one of the most important things is never, ever make fun or criticize your spouse's body when they are so you know, vulnerable. I think that is the worst thing you can do. And I have had, I've had clients feel so they feel so inadequate, because you know, the first time their spouse saw them, they made some kind of a funny remark. And then they don't mean to be malicious. I know

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that a lot of brothers, they're accustomed to paddling around with their, with their friends and, and I have one brother who you know, in his family, what they do to bond is to just kind of poke fun at each other. And he did this to his wife and he started giving, you know, just funny nicknames and add which were not so funny to her. And, and this actually really affects the sister so I know that you don't mean it. I know that you're not there to be malicious or hurt her feelings, and you would never have dreamt that this would affect her so gravely. So the best thing to do is, is just make her feel, make her feel confident not to criticize, because a lot of times what brothers think is

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that okay, I'm going to criticize her I'm going to say oh, you should you know it.

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be great if you look like that if you could only be a size six and, and they don't realize that this really shuts down a woman she will, she will not change, she will actually she will rebel on a subconscious level. So, since a big part of being aroused in many women is the mental she needs to be there mentally. So she needs to feel she needs to feel alluring, she needs to feel beautiful, to be able to perform physically. Now addressing the sisters because this is you know, it's it's a responsibility from both sides sisters. Confidence is one of the most appealing aspects of a person, you know, in regardless of it regardless of your size, your shape, any of that you have to feel you

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have to accept yourself this acceptance is such an important aspect. I mean, I take I take sisters sometimes that have 00 self esteem and start building and giving them that feeling of you know, appreciate yourself and it's about being grateful to Allah azza wa jal and, and like

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Subbu, you mentioned about the my article how to win a sisters how to win his heart on Muslim matters. This actually does give a nice, an outline on what sisters can do to prepare themselves to look your best. Because it's really not about being like a supermodel.

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It's about being your best. And and all of us know what it takes, you know, it takes that going out being physically active, watching what we're eating and feeling and taking care of ourselves, you know, how are we looking at home? How are we presenting ourselves, you know, a lot of times when we're courting, a lot of sisters are just you know, they can't wait to see to see their spouse, they're just you know, they're dressing up, they're looking their best. And that's what actually appeals to the man. And we need to continue this throughout our marriage. And it's about being very grateful for the blessings you have, and realizing that men are visual creatures, they are visual,

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and they need to see you. I have had stories of women going and hiding in the closet to changing all lights have to be off and it has to be pitch black. And you know, I try to reason with them that your spouse, you are the only halaal person for him. This is not fair. You know. So if you deprive your husband of this, of this halaal outlet, guess what, he will resort to the hot arm. And I've had sisters who do this. And they get really upset when their husband turns to pornography. And I'm like, What? You're not leaving him a choice. You know, you need to we need to support our husbands. They are exposed to so much. Yes, definitely. I do think at that point. Yes, obviously. And we and

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and just I just wanted to interject a little bit. Two points. One that men also need affirmation from their husband wives as well. When men are not told by wives, compliments given by one wives, we tend to forget that men have emotions too. And a men need to hear the compliments as well. So if you could go into a little bit about that, just a few lines about that. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. And the other point that I wanted to mention is that definitely this I do not and because hollein

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and I have had several discussions about this. We don't want anybody to take away from this that we are saying that if a man fault falls into pornography, it's absolutely the woman's fault. Or if the man starts cheating, it's the woman's fault. It's you know, a man is is in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala he is responsible for his own acts, he has to answer to his law. it you know, he will not be able to sit you know, so so we just just wanted to reiterate that because sometimes I know we get a lot of comments and stuff. Sorry, you know, and I'm going to interject over here because I've been so passionate about this topic the whole poor porn and sex addiction and xenu I'm doing the series

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on Muslim matters and I have had actually a training with under a certified sex addict therapist. So basically this this whole porn and sex there you know, there are two two reasons why as Holly's saying that that you know, it is when a husband is lacking the physical satisfaction in the house and not that his action is okay to to do but you know, sometimes it's coming from, from the lack of his wife's interest in intimacy. But there is also a far majority that this porn and sex addiction is just, you know, a psychological problem in men. I have had several

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several clients as you know, sisters and brothers, where they have a perfect intimate life. You know, they, they, they say it's like their wife's dress up, they do the workout they like they actually have role playing, everything is happening in their intimate life. Yet the husband has addiction. sexual addiction is just about you're talking about extreme like some extreme examples. So no, not some extreme examples. No, no, I'm sorry, he No, but these are not some extreme examples. Addiction is a psychological problem in men, and it cannot be traced back to the wife's lack of performance. And I'm so glad that both of you brought this up. And we did need some clarification,

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because it's like you said, We're not here to blame anyone. However, sometimes certain behaviors do lead to others. And just this, you know, I just wrote this article about masturbation. And we are seeing that people are writing in and confessing about, you know, their addiction to pornography, that it's and and sometimes they think that will be resolved with marriage. And unfortunately, that's not the case, because you have a lot of sisters writing in and saying, you know what, I'm happily married, and I'm providing everything to my spouse. And yet he is he still has this addiction. So thank you for emphasizing that. Back to your question, Hannah. As far as men needing

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compliments, well, this is something I addressed at the beginning. As far as the, you know, the five the top needs that men have one of them is affirmation, affirmation, meaning that men need to be complimented. And a lot of a lot of times we forget that we are so focused on getting the compliments that we may not be as verbose. I mean, he needs to feel attractive, you need to see what features that he has, that you enjoy that you appreciate, make him feel attractive. And and I think that it's all about how you make your spouse feel. The bottom line is how do you make your wife or your husband, if they feel good, if they feel attractive, and if they feel appreciated, you will get

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so much out of them and to continue with, with what we're talking about as far as women and their body image. I remember a client that was actually she was so beautiful. I mean, I was just you know, stunned Mashallah by her beauty. And she was a size zero. And yet she had this body dysmorphia that I was, you know, I was talking about, and she saw herself as fat. And so what, what it boils down to is that a lot of women, when they look in the mirror, their self talk is that they they're saying to themselves, I'm fat, I'm ugly, I have wrinkles. And I remember when I was

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I was doing to celebrate mercy. And it was that the program was about transformation through tribulation. And one sister who was really like, at the lowest point of her life saw this and she's like, you know, I want to transform I want to transform through my difficulties. She came in for therapy and and we worked on this and spot on was something that I talked to her about that really clicked with her. And I want to share this with you today.

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When she told me that she she feels ugly, she was an abusive relationship, unfortunately, and her husband really be little hurt made her feel so unattractive. And so her self esteem was basically down to zero and, and I told her when you look in the mirror, and your criticism of who you are making all these criticism and all this negative self talk, who are you criticizing? And every single sister I asked this to, they will reply, I'm criticizing myself. And I reframe and I say no, you're criticizing Allah, Allah created you He made you the way you are. So when you are complaining about your features about why you look like this, and why is this and why is that about your hair

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about your body, you're actually criticizing a lot of Spock for a lot and this I cannot tell you transformed her and she realized the gravity of her statement and I you know, so I encourage all the sisters out there to really think about this, when you look in the mirror say positive things to yourself, and just and just realize that Allah created you so embrace who you are, and be the best you can be inshallah, suppose that is awesome. Thank you Holly.

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You know, compliment each other thank each other and think Allah Subhana Allah that is, so you know, we that was such a positive note.

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I am going to bring cyber back into this discussion and support what would you say is, how would you say that the lack of satisfaction during intimacy

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may affect

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Women based on our discussions