Channel: Haleh Banani
Series: Haleh Banani - Intimacy Matters
Intimacy between spouses is a beautiful act of worship. However, it has also become a serious problem in many marriages. There are many guilt and shame based misconceptions that cause issues between spouses, often leading to divorce. Our main motive with this series of hangouts, is to address the topic of intimacy through a female lens, in order to foster healthy marriages. Allah says he loves those who foster purity, and marriage is the best way to guard our desires. We want couples to listen together in hopes of understanding and bettering their marriage.
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu Welcome to the first Muslim matters Google Hangout. My name is Hannah zaveri and I'm the editor in chief of Muslim matters where Muslims matter. We're an online magazine which tackles contemporary issues facing Muslims. Today's topic is marital intimacy. intimacy between spouses is a beautiful act of worship it divine experience that has been mired by anxieties fueled by hyper sexualized media, hollywood movies, many cultural beliefs from the east and misinformed 18th century notions rooted in the West. It takes a year of contemplation for us to publicly address this topic in a broadcast. But the need was so great that we had to put aside our
own hesitations, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and this habit and this I have yet we're not shy to discuss these matters, because it is a sensitive private act. It is a part of our private sphere, which is understandable. However, this subject is discussed in classes are filled with the frankness it deserves because it is an act of worship. And sometimes we need someone to address this topic with clarity. Usually, when it is discussed in public, it is not from a female lens. We want to collaborate with our male shoe by providing the female perspective. So we can all contribute to healthy marriages. Something that is often missing from this discourse, especially if all one ever
learns comes from magazines or other non Islamic sources is the spiritual element. If we look at intimacy as both a physical and spiritual act, and climaxing as the epitome of the pleasure that Allah subhana wa Taala has gifted us, it is easier to understand why it is meant to be a source of divine love for both men and women. As you hear today, as you will hear today, that there's a serious problem in many marriages. There's there are many guilt and shame based misconceptions that caused problems between between spouses, often leading to divorce. Our main objective is to foster healthy marriages. Allah says he loves those who foster purity and marriage is the best way to guard
our desires. We don't want to generalize because generalisations can hurt a relationship and each relationship is as different as the people involved in it. So let's not play the blame game. After listening to this. We want couples to listen together in hopes of understanding and bettering their marriage. Today, I own with my amazing sisters subacid better known as overeem. She has a Bachelor's in Islamic Studies and has further studied Islam in Egypt and Qatar, a prolific writer and a spiritual counselor on mmm and halaby nanny Holly is a master's in clinical psychology and his practice counseling for 15 years doing Skype therapy and has practical experiences experience in
helping couples in marital math matters. She's a counselor for our on call offer our column What's the matter and a seasoned writer on Muslim matters. She has also hosted her own TV show in Egypt called with Holly both women are active members of the Dallas scene and passionate speakers. I Salaam Alaikum Sabha I sit down on ECAM highly
welcome As salam you know, it's a pleasure to be here and with you and with everyone else and humbling to know why they come with Salama Rafa to LA it really is a wonderful opportunity to discuss something that is so needed in the community.
Subhana Allah all of us have been asked questions about this topic in our own circle of influence. We've also consulted other shoe students of knowledge and counselors. And the most frequent complaints that we hear from husbands is that my wife doesn't want to have intercourse. Frequency is mainly a concern amongst men. The other problems bought up are my wife doesn't actively participate in intimacy or never initiate. Quality on the other hand is a bigger issue with women. Quality can mean different things to different women such as the point Holly you explored in your article, how to score big with women. Many men focus on the romantic aspect but not on the intimate act itself.
Flowers in the atmosphere may be important elements missing for some, but other women it is the actual act that needs to be off caliber. The most common complaint from women is that he fails to give me a climax. Many times there are women who are just not looked at as sexual beings. Some of these issues have been we've addressed in Muslim matters on articles like the Muslim vignettes on female sexuality. And on bream will have an in depth article and productive intimacy up soon but right now how
I wanted to start off by asking you why do we see a difference in the complaints that men have and the complaints the women have?
The smilla Rahmanir Rahim. Basically men and women simply have different needs. One thing is for sure that they are both sensual beings and they need the central fulfillment. There was a research done with about 700 couples to find out what their top needs in physical intimacy are. And we found out that men their top needs include mutual satisfaction. So Contrary to popular belief, when you feel that the men is only consuming their own fulfillment, actually, their number one need is to have that mutual satisfaction they want their wives to feel good, and the connection, then there is the responsiveness of their spouse, meaning that men want their wife engaged in the act mentally,
physically and emotionally and the initiation by their wife, men are longing to feel wanted and desired, and also am affirmation. Men just like women like to be complimented complimented and made to feel attractive. So generally, men see intimacy as an escape or a release of tension. They need the intimate act to basically open up emotionally. Unfortunately, women continue to be restricted by social, religiously perceived notions and also family taboos. Instead of being able to fully express their essential nature.
A woman can be as essential as she is spiritual, as erotic as she is intellectual, and as climatic as she is emotional. Many women see intercourse as a manifestation of emotional connection. They basically need this emotional connection they need to feel wanted and desired and taken care of, in order to have the physical intimacy.
So what's your take on this?
Hina I see a common ground in these complaints. And the common ground is the intimacy.
Men want intimacy and they want their wife's participation, and more frequently. On the other hand, women have complaints about intimacy and they have their reasons. So
if you look at it, many men not only have a huge misunderstanding about woman's sexuality, shockingly many, many men still wonder whether or not a woman is able to reach her climax. Yet many are confused, pleasing a woman in bed as a cue into forming her and not necessarily making her experience a climax. As a spiritual counselor myself, and after confirming with various Muslim marriage counselors and psychologists, this is obvious that many married Muslim woman complained about satisfaction.
Now, this word satisfaction is often confused with fondling or for playing only. The truth is that if and when explicitly asked, these woman is specifically complained about not being able to reach their climax. And so this aversion
has many reasons which,
not being able to reach their climax is one of the reasons and it has caused many serious issues in Muslim marriages. Usually the reason given for a woman's version as being an emotional connection was missing. But rarely ever. Do we hear about the other aspects that are also missing, specifically in their intimate life. So since these complaints are interrelated in the sense that many women have avoidance towards intimacy, and this aversion causes frustration amongst men, let's talk about let's first talk about women specifically, why do women not want to engage intimately with their husbands?