Are your kids driving you crazy? – Family Connections

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Salam aleikum. This is Hala Banani Bismillah was salat wa salam ala Rasulillah. You know, many parents used to complain that they never see their kids. They complained about the fact that they're always with their friends, they're always out and they wish they wish that they had some quality time together. Well, Your wish has come true. And it's 24/7 that you are with your kids and being at home studying, trying to work, you are being everything to them, you are being the you're being the teacher, the therapist, the nurse, everything, and it is very overwhelming, I'm sure and many of my clients have complained to me saying that my kids are just absolutely driving me crazy that this is

too much. How did the teachers do it? First of all, we have to be very grateful and thankful to our teachers and our schools that they have been taking care of this for so long. And I know that as the time passes, it becomes more and more overwhelming. So you may be frazzled, you may be frustrated, and you may be fuming. And you have to one of two choices, you have the choice of either blaming your kids getting really angry and making the situation worse, or you can take responsibility, you can make a few adjustments and transform the situation in sha Allah. So many times when parents bring their kids to me, they will just say, you know, fix my daughter, fix my son. And when I start

asking them questions about themselves, about their relationships, about their anger management, then they quickly say that this session is not from me, this is about my child, you need to fix my child, I don't need the session. And many times they don't realize that they are such a vital role in this equation, that they play a very important role. And so we need to handle this with a lot of wisdom. This is an opportunity that Allah has granted us for us to have this kind of forced detox forced detox, we have been forced into having all of this quality, maybe not so quality time together, and we want to make sure that we focus our energy in a way that it will actually count as

quality time and in order to do that we need to have hikma we need to have wisdom. And Allah says your Attell heck matter me Yeshua were mejor Atel HC Mata Falco, the Ooty are firing cathedra Wehmeyer the Kuru Illa all Alba, he gives wisdom to whom he wills, and who ever has been given wisdom has certainly been given much good, and none will remember except those of understanding. So, you know, right now we define success as maybe someone having an important title, having a lot of, you know, a lot of wealth or a lot of possessions. But this is saying that one of the greatest things that you can possess is wisdom, right? And wisdom is knowing what to say how to say it, when

to say it and whom to say it to that's the definition I like to use. And if you don't have wisdom, it's very important to pray for it. Right? Because it's very clear here that it's something that is given as a gift from Allah. And you know, if if you don't have it, you know who you are. So pray for it. Pray for that hikma. Pray that Allah will help you in this journey. There are many instances where I was faced with a very challenging situation and my biggest thought the moment was your Allah give me the hikma give me the wisdom to know how to deal with this in a way that will be pleasing to you and that will be affected. So we want to make sure that we tap into that and we pray for it

right? So you at this time are providing a template to your kids on how to deal with anxiety, how to deal with disappointment how to deal with, you know things not going your way and it's a very important time. For us to demonstrate. We need to demonstrate the Tawakkol that we have been teaching our kids we need

To demonstrate the patience, we need to demonstrate the positivity right now. Because it's so easy to say these things, right? It is so easy to have that mindset when everything is going your way. But the challenge is when nothing is going your way. And maybe there is a financial crisis, maybe you're dealing with health issues and a lot of disappointments, many people are not going to be having a graduation, my own son is not going to have his graduation. Many people are not having those weddings and all the things, the hatch of all things. That's one of the things that people look so forward to when their own breasts were cancelled. So we've had a long series of

disappointments, and there are going to be many more, and how we deal with this right now. We are teaching our kids some very profound life lessons. And we can either take on the responsibility and realize that this is the time for us to really step it up and have the exemplary patients exemplary attitude, and show that you know what, even though things are falling apart, at the seams, we have it together because we have that trust and Tawakkol. And Allah, they need to see that what is the difference. So take between my mom and dad, and people who have no faith, right? There has to be a very clear, clear indication that my parents because they are practicing Muslims, because they have

strong faith because they are surrendering to the will of Allah, they are handling the situation, with grace, with poise with optimism. And if we're not doing that, we need to shift gears, we have to definitely change it around because many of our youth they are hanging on with a thread, their eemaan their connection to Islam. And this is a time that we can actually revive it, we can show look, you know people are, they're falling apart, they may be years, some people get so hopeless, and they just feel that like there's just doom, but my goodness, look at the look at how people are beaming with hope and, and inspiration and how they're helping one another and how they're being so

constructive. And this may reignite the faith and the hearts of our children. And so it is a very critical time, we cannot just allow ourselves to be reactionary, we don't have the luxury of doing that we really need to pull ourselves together and realize that this can actually be a period of great detox for us, it can be a time of unity and a time to just revive our faith in sha Allah. And it all goes to having that sense of gentleness, having that sense of compassion when we're dealing with our kids, because I know that the stress is really up there, I know that you are feeling probably exhausted, you are emotionally drained, you are just you don't some people are even

questioning their own level of faith. Because, you know, they're not exactly accepting it the way that they they assumed they would. And this is making them question so many things on a daily basis. I have clients who are questioning some aspects of their faith and wondering, Am I a good Muslim? Am I handling this well. And so it's natural to be overwhelmed that this time, but we need to realize that whatever we're going through, we need to process that we need to deal with our own, whether it is our spiritual crisis, identity crisis, whatever is going on, because I know that there are some major emotional and psychological issues going on as I'm dealing with it on a daily basis. So if we

don't deal with that, if we don't address it and fix it, what's going to happen is that we're going to transfer all of this anxiety, all of this doubt all of this negativity onto our kids, and they are going so it's going to be a generation, a pattern and generational pattern that they will inherit from us. And you know, we want to always pass on things that will be beneficial. You don't want to leave your kids with debt, you want to leave them with an inheritance. So in the same way, we don't want to leave our kids with just emotional baggage. We don't want to leave them

with doubt and despair and hopelessness, because then they are not going to have the tools to deal with life's challenges. And so in that spirit in that spirit that I am going to be now a leader in my home, and I'm going to take this and really turn it around and have that gentleness and compassion and Allah says,

felt Bula who go with a yen Allah Allah who felt Sabu sorry, fell Kula who cow will lay yen Allah Allah who doesn't care who we are Yaksha and speak to him with gentle speech that perhaps he may be reminded or to fear Allah. And this is the Prophet Musa alayhis salam being reminded to speak to fit on was the biggest transgressor. But it says talk gently, talk gently look at the amazing psychology of that the amazing impact that this could have. Because, of course, Allah knows our nature. Allah knows that when we are treated with kindness and gentleness that is much more effective than harshness. Right? And yet, we choose to be so harsh. We treat our children as if they are fair own.

We treat them with that sense of no mercy. And this is going to really push them away from us. It's going to push them away from the deen. So we really need to change our approach and be reminded that even even the biggest transgressor was the biggest transgressor that Musa Lisa was going to talk to he that Musa was encouraged to talk to him with gentleness because that is what's going to soften the heart. So if you are a parent, if you are a in Dawa, if you are trying to

nothing is going to impact your message as much as that gentleness, kindness and your character, that is what's going to shine through not the message, it is your behavior towards them. And so it's really important to have an abundance mindset when you are dealing with your children, it is critical to have an abundance mindset, not what is that that is about having this idea that there is plenty, we have plenty that we are not lacking. There's plenty of time, we have plenty of time, most of us right plenty of time, there is there are resources we have in sha Allah, plenty of eemaan. To get through this. When someone has a scarcity mentality. They always feel like things. It's just not

enough, no matter what they have. They feel that this is not enough. And you find that there's been a lot of studies done on children who lived through the Great Depression, and the impact that it had on them their mindset, they had a scarcity mindset, they felt nothing was enough. And even though some of those individuals, those kids, they grew up and they became multimillionaires, but their mindset never changed. And so right now we're at a very pivotal time. And we need to be aware that the way we deal with this is going to have a profound impact on our children. And it will either make them feel like there is a scarcity mindset, and they just don't have enough and there's fear in

their heart, or they will have that abundance mindset. Another aspect of having an abundance mindset is being optimistic, you know, as men, we have no choice but to be optimistic, right? We really need to focus on that. And this is the time, whatever optimistic muscle that that we, we have that we need to build it. Okay. It may be flabby, it may be very weak, but this is the time to push, you need to push and really build that positivity muscle because that is what's going to help you in dealing with all this right? Where's pessimism going to take you if you're just sitting there and complaining and fearful and thinking that nothing is good in your life? where's that going to take

you? Other than hopelessness, depression, despair, and you're gonna ruin all your relationships, right? Another aspect of abundance mindset is, you know, being able to be content, okay? It's hard to be maybe happy about some of your circumstances. It's hard to say, you know, okay, I don't have a salary, I can't pay the rent. I have these issues.

Because I have health issues, I lost the loved one, I get that it's very difficult to even expect anyone to be happy about that. But it's about having rather, it's about being content and accepting the other of Allah, we have to have that in our heart, we have to know that Allah has a master plan. And whatever it is, whatever is happening, there's hidden it, there's goodness, and something great is going to come out of this in sha Allah. And we also have to make sure that we are embracing change. So having an abundant mindset is you embrace the change, you realize, oh, my goodness, nothing is the same, everything has changed. And there are people who will either thrive in this

environment, they will make the necessary changes, they will adapt, and they will thrive. And then there are those who just are so resistant to change, they don't like it, they don't want to learn, they don't want to do anything differently. So that is going to make a huge difference as far as what comes out of this. Because if you are simply resistant to change, then it's game over game over, we everything has changed. And your only Survival Guide is to change and adapt. And another aspect of the abundance mindset is being proactive, you have to take initiative, you have to be the one who you know, make certain changes, instead of just being reactionary. If you're just sitting

and waiting for Doomsday, then nothing good is going to come out of this. If you have been numbing your mind with you know, ongoing Netflix or numbing your mind with just the news, then you are not going to be very proactive. This is the time to take action, we got to get up and take action and make this time really count. And so another aspect of the abundance mindset is realizing what is great about the situation. And many times you know, I asked this for my client, what's what's great about your situation, nothing's great about it. You know, I hate it. I hate my situation. I hate what I'm going through. But you need to reflect what can you at least learn from this? What is what

is it that you have versus what is it that you don't have? Because most people focus on that which they don't have? They don't have it. They're just focusing, oh, you know, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I'm people are saying, You know what, that may not be a bad thing right now, right? But no, we have to be grateful we have to be grateful for whatever it is that you do have. Because what I noticed is that whenever a person focuses on the things that they do have going for them in their lives, that is the thing that will will grow and prosper, right. And Allah says repeatedly in the Quran that we need to have that that Shaka we need to have the gratefulness and very few people are

going to be grateful. Let us be amongst those few who actually have that sense of gratitude, you know, a scarcity mindset. It's really like looking at life as there's this like one pie. And if you have a bigger piece of pie, that means I get a smaller piece. So there is this greediness there is this envy, there is never wanting for anyone else. And there's just this sense of me, me, me and wanting to just take as much as you can for yourself. And this is this is completely under Slavic. If anyone has that approach, right, you realize that there is a there's a spiritual disease going on here, right? So we need to make sure that we don't see it as just one piece of pie. And you got to

make sure that you grab the biggest piece, or if someone has a big piece, I'm going to snatch it out of their hands. This is this is absolutely jaw Halia. Right, this is a form of misguidance to think this way, when you recognize that there is abundance, Allah has given us so much. And if we are able to see that abundance, we would never have that kind of low mentality, low life mentality of I need to snatch from this person and that person in order to manage. So other times with them, the scarcity mindset, it is really about, Oh, someone wins, someone loses if she's winning. That means I'm losing. And what this does to us is that it's really going to affect us negatively. Right. Now,

how does this apply with our parenting? If you have this kind

The scarcity mindset, and you are scared, and you're afraid and you're snatching, let's say, your kids see you snatching things off the shelf being greedy and thinking there's not enough and I have to take it for myself, this is all going to affect them, they're going to grow up with that scarcity mentality, they are going to have that same attitude towards you, right. So one day when you are in your old age, and they have adopted this mentality, because you instilled it in them, they are not going to come and be this generous person to you, because you have not demonstrated it. So if you want generosity, portray generosity, you want patience in your kids, you need to demonstrate

patience, you want positivity and optimism, this is the time to portray it. And if you don't, then don't blame anyone, right? Don't blame anyone. Don't blame the society, don't blame the friends don't blame the school, it is your ultimate responsibility to demonstrate all of the things that you want to see in your kids. And so it is very important to develop this abundance mentality, portray it, demonstrate it, teach it to our kids, and make sure that even if we have had some scarcity mentality, being greedy, feeling like it's not enough, and having that we need to change and shift gears make that change. And I want to give you some practical tips, because, you know, it's always

so easy to tell someone, well, sister just you know, have have more telecoil or trust trust in Allah or, you know, just just be positive, but we need practical steps, I'm very much into the how to. And that's what I focus on. What whenever I'm dealing with anybody, whether it is in in marriage, whether it's in parenting, or individual, it's always about practical tips, okay? So first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, okay, you're overwhelmed, you're emotionally drained, you are worried I get it. So put yourself in that priority pyramid. And know the priority pyramid is that you put a lot first, right, make sure that you're doing your responsibility now more than ever

connect with your family through the prayer through the Quran. And really make that a priority. And it's great if you can set up a place in your home, if you don't already have it as the prayer area and set it up, meet together. Now I know that life was so busy, everyone was off doing their own things kids are in college, you know, husband's at work, and everyone did their own prayers now that we're at home together, it really is important to, to prioritize praying together, then you need to take care of yourself, then you need to do self care, and make sure that you are filling your cup. So you cannot pour from an empty cup if you're exhausted. So if you don't get enough sleep, make

sure you get enough sleep, make sure that you're eating right. I know that many mothers will tell me, I didn't eat until like 5pm. And she was up and from like 530 in the morning didn't eat. She's like I should have fasted. So this is a good time. Actually, if you have not made up your days, if you just want to prepare for Ramadan, this a great time to prepare yourself, do the fasting. If you're not eating then you better you know, make your intention to fast and take care of your spiritual needs and take care of yourself physically get out there. Yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted. I hadn't slept well. I had a long day. But what I did, I pushed myself and I went for a

walk I went for an hour walk it was a beautiful day. Get yourself out there. See, you know, just see some beauty see some trees, see people from afar, right? And that will rejuvenate you even though I was exhausted, that walk just really, really rejuvenated me. And make sure that you have some time where it's downtime where you relax, don't end the night on watching the news. I can tell you I did that a few times. And then it just causes anxiety and it makes it difficult to fall asleep. So try to limit that and have it maybe middle of the day so you can kind of recuperate from all that you hear. Now practical tips in dealing with the kids is that you definitely need to have a schedule

set, but allow some flexibility. You know, it's critical right now to get your kids involved and have them do chores.

Have them, you know, and train them, right? Because many times, because the kids are not at home, you don't get the opportunity to maybe train them in many of the things. So this is the time, get them to be involved in the chores. And yet don't expect perfection. One of the biggest problems is that parents are expecting their kids to be perfect. They're expecting them to be very rigid. This is not going to be exactly like a school schedule. So you definitely need to be, you need to be patient and understanding and not expect that perfection. You know, some people focus so much on a clean home, and yet, they're cranky, and they may yell and scream at their kids for just moving

around. So try to create that positive association to being at home and make sure that you're not forcing the religion you're not being dogmatic and too strict because this is going to push them away. Use that gentleness use gentleness when you're teaching about the deen that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and the Sahih Muslim said oh Aisha, Allah is gentle, and he loves gentleness, he rewards for gentleness what is not granted for harshness, and he does not reward anything else like it. So remember that remember that when you're dealing with the chaos when you're dealing with your child who is you know, not being cooperative, or they are complaining, or they're saying that

they're bored. And all of these things, deal with them with gentleness, give them outlets, allow some flexibility, and make sure that you are dealing with them in a way that would be pleasing to Allah. Right. So right now, we don't have, you know, people are now going to the massages or not going out. And that's where many people showed their great side, right? They have that that beautiful side that they show to others. Let's use that tap into that, okay, that side that you show at work, the side that you show, when you're dealing with people who are really important to you, I want you to tap into that and apply it towards your spouse and your children because I know it's in

there. And it's just a matter of prioritizing people. You know, sometimes when we are dealing with our family members, we're a little bit too relaxed. We're a little bit too like nonchalant, yeah, they can take it, you know, I don't really care. But we need to prioritize that because that is how a lot judges us, right? We are going to be asked about our dealings with our spouse and our children above anything else. So it's very important to always have that mindset and Inshallah, that we can do our absolute best to turn this period of time like even if your kids are driving you crazy. If you make these adjustments within yourself, then your kids are going to respond to you in a

completely different way in sha Allah, just like Allah here for tuning in Salam Alikum

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