Love #01 – Should I Compromise On My Standards in Finding a Spouse?

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Fatima Barkatulla

Channel: Fatima Barkatulla

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salatu salam ala rasulillah dear brothers and sisters assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Today, I got a question from a sister. And I thought I would share my answer with you so that you could perhaps also benefit or, perhaps comment, and let me know what you think about this issue. So, a sister, she contacted me, and she was mentioning that, you know, she's getting older, and she hasn't found a spouse yet a suitable spouse. And she's thinking, you know, whether she should, and her words, lower her standards, in terms of the characteristics and, you know, like the must haves that she had on her list when it came to finding a spouse. And she says that, you know, some of our

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friends are kind of discouraging her from doing that. Because they're saying, you know, if you lower your standards, you probably marry somebody who, who you'll regret marrying. So, there's a few things in that the first thing that I would say is, look, you know, in life, there are so many things that we think are good for us, right?

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You know, we might have had a particular career path that we had in mind, or we might have had a particular place that we wanted to live in, or we might have had our heart set on a particular path in life. And then later on, we we find out that, you know, Allah hadn't decreed that for us, he decreed something else for us. And although it wouldn't have been the thing that we naturally would have chosen, right, or have been inclined to, when we look back, we think, Alhamdulillah, that was good for me, you know, that thing was actually beneficial. And there were things that I that that were like, blind spots for me, right. But I didn't realize

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that were good for me. Right, all things, characteristics, or

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things that I valued, that were actually not that important. And so I think one of the things that we're reminded of, in life in general is that Allah knows, and we don't know, you know, Allah knows what is best for us. And we don't know what is the best thing for us. Obviously, we do our best, we in light of the Quran, and Sunnah. And also, you know, our own

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intellect, inclinations, and preferences, when it comes to marriage, we we will have a list of ideals, right? But not all of those characteristics, and not all of those kind of must haves, or so called must haves are actually as important as each other. Right? So, for example, you know, a person's a person being having good luck, right, having good,

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good, a good personality, a good demeanor, that could be something that is more important than, for example, whether they are six foot tall, right? That's just, that's just a little example. But, you know, you might have had your heart set on marrying somebody six foot tall, you know, tall, dark and handsome and all that. But, you know, you you, you haven't found a person like that, who has good character. And obviously, good character is going to be something that's going to be more important. Not that the other characteristics, the physical characters are not important, of course, they there is an element of importance in those things, you know, because obviously, marriage is about, also

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about satisfying a person's desire for companionship and intimacy. So those aspects are important as well. However, in the grand scheme of things, there are certain things that are more important than others. Right? So what I would do if I was in that situation, or I would recommend that sisters in that situation or even brothers do is

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literally get a piece of paper out.

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And,

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sure, write that list, you know, write that list of the things that you that you really want your spouse to have the characteristics in the spouse that you're looking for, but I would divide that list into a number of columns, right? I would have the, the things that are, you know, the the the the uncompromisable, right, the things that are really non negotiable.

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And then I would have the things that actually, there might be my ideal, but there could be room for some maneuver there. And then I would have a column of the absolute nice to haves, you know, the really either way, is not going to be really impactful on your decision. But it would be really nice if your spouse had those that characteristic or that description about them. So if you divide your list into into three columns like that, that way, when you do meet somebody for marriage, when you're seeing prospective people, then you can actually assess, you know, how many of the must haves? Or the non negotiables? Does that person have? How many of the kind of negotiable

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characteristics does that person have? And how many of the other characteristics does that person have. And if you were to kind of take the long view and broad view, right, if you were to look at the complete package, when it comes to marriage, when it comes to marrying somebody, you know, so you're taking into account, the family situation, the personality, the,

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of course, aspects of the financial aspect of physical attraction, if you take all of those things into account, rather than focusing on only one or the other, then inshallah you'll be able to make a more informed decision. And also, what will be clear in front of you is, how many of the must have characteristics that person has, and how many of the negotiable ones they have, and how many of the bonus type characteristics they have. And really, when you look at the whole package, of a prospective spouse with that entire kind of broad view,

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it's a much better way of of helping you make a decision.

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Good day.

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Good day.

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Something else to bear in mind is that not all that glitters is gold, right? all that glitters is not gold. So when you go and see somebody for marriage,

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and you know, they sound perfect on paper, they tick all the boxes, and, you know, everything seems perfect and excellent, just as you wanted. But you're not so sure about their personality, not so sure about the demeanor.

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Believe me, somebody who you feel very, very physically attracted to, and you've, you think is going to be just great to be married to can very quickly become somebody that you despise, quite frankly,

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if they have bad character. So it's really important to think about the characteristics that you consider to be your must haves, some ideas for must haves, obviously everyone is going to be different. It's a very personal thing. Some ideas that I would say, should be in your must haves is first of all, what kind of relationship does that person have with a lot? Right? Does that person pray their daily prayers? Do they keep their five pillars? That's really important.

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It might not

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seem important, sometimes some sisters think, you know, hey, you know, you'll get more religious later. Right?

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That's quite a dangerous thing to think because, you know, if you can't fix fix up in your relationship with

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the most significant

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being in your life, which is a lot.

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Why would you commit and fix up in your other relationships? You know, I think it's really important to make that probably

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the number one must have right that the person has committed themselves to Allah in that way.

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At least to the five pillars of Islam, demeanor and temperament are quite important, you know, the person's character and general demeanor?

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Are they an easygoing person Are they the sort of person who you can

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get along with, and I know it's sometimes hard to to tell that, you know, from just meeting them a few times. So, I would really recommend that

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you get your Wally, the person who is your guardian, who's responsible for your affairs, in terms of

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helping you to get married, I would really suggest that, you know, that person gets in touch with some people who've either traveled or lived with or, you know, spent a significant amount of time worked with your prospective spouse. And literally just like, when you go to a apply for a job, they look for references, and they, and they write to the people who you give as references, and they literally ask them, you know, all about you,

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I'll do the same, not ask, normally at least to do to do the same.

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Because this is even more significant than getting, getting a job, right.

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Another point that I wanted to make is, I would really encourage brothers and sisters, when they're considering somebody for marriage, to be willing to consider as many people as possible in the sense that, you know, I know a lot of sisters, for example, who, right at the first stage will kind of write somebody off, right, because on paper, in some sort of, you know, profile or something of that brother of that prospective spouse, the person doesn't tick all the boxes, right. So they will put off meeting the person because they think, Well, you know, it doesn't fulfill these characteristics. So it's a non starter. Now, I would discourage people from doing that, because upon a lot, you know,

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marriage and finding a prospective spouse is about more than a profile, you know, and so many times, there's somebody on paper, that might not sound like the ideal spouse, right. But when you meet that person, there's a chemistry there, you know, it's something you can't, you can't explain, it's not something that you can't quantify, or even articulate, but there's something there that really makes certain characteristic that you might have thought were important that that person doesn't have, it makes you able to overlook those, because of the fact that you've got that kind of connection and chemistry or, you know, that you've realized that this person is from a certain type of family that

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really, that you really like, and, you know, they have a certain personality, and obviously, personality is not something you can you can really sense on paper, you know, sometimes you can but, but not really, you've got to meet somebody before you can

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make a decision about that. And, and so many times I know people who've on paper haven't sounded like they are a match, but when they actually meet, okay, so when they have a few characteristics that seem to be bringing them together, and then they actually willing to just meet

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I found that, Mashallah, you know, they, they realized that the things that other things, other aspects that were quite important to them, for example, with sisters, you know,

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sisters who maybe they didn't want to move out of their city, they didn't want to move to another city, or they didn't want, they wanted somebody who has a particular type of job or a particular income. They've been willing to overlook that because they can see that the person has the sort of personality and, you know, potential, that that satisfies them. Right. And I don't think we should look at

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some kind of negotiation and some kind of compromise as a bad thing, because, in fact, anyone who goes into marriage thinking that there's no compromise is going to be sorely disappointed. Anytime you build a relationship with another person, there is a level of negotiation that takes place and a level of compromise that sometimes needs to happen, and that compromise isn't a bad thing. Because the

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Overall, you're the winner, right? If you're able to compromise, you're able to accommodate

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different types of people and different types of personalities, then you're the winner, right? It's not about the world adjusting itself for you know, it's not about bending the world to your bidding, right? It's about you realizing that when you go into any relationship, or any new project, even, you know, there is going to be challenges, there's going to be some struggle, right? Don't be scared of the struggle, expect the struggle, and

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develop the characteristics and develop the qualities and habits that are necessary for you to face that struggle. Right? I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom. I'm not saying that, you know, everything is all about struggle, obviously, like when it comes to marriage, you. You want it to be a pace of Sakina, you want it to be a place of tranquility. But what I'm saying is that even in the best marriages, right, and when you see people who've had a lifelong marriage, don't think that it was all plain sailing, you know, it wasn't all plain sailing.

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They struggled, there would have been periods where they struggled, they may have even been periods where they thought they wouldn't make it. Right. But it's not the, you know, they were two perfect people who just clicked and everything was, you know, perfect. No, it's usually that they fought for their marriage, they fought to keep their marriage alive.

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So once you've done your columns, and you've got you've, you've made your list of must haves, nice to haves and bonus qualities. And you've really like you know, weighed it all up, you've paid you it's the harder

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once you've kind of really

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decided, you know, whether you like this person or not, whether you're seriously considering them or not, that make pray that it's the quarter. And then

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I would say if he's an eight out of 10, and above, you know, go for it. I heard one of us, you, one of our senior sheoak. In London, he was addressing a group of sisters. And they were kind of in their 20s. And really into their studies and stuff and which is great, which was great. And he was encouraging them.

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But one of the things he was saying to them is, you know, sisters, don't delay getting married. And he said, Don't delay getting married. And

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please make getting married one of those one of your priorities because, you know, unfortunately, in Britain, and I'm sure it's happening in many other places as well, we're seeing a trend where more and more sisters are finding it very difficult to find a spouse.

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And often they did have suitors and people approaching them for marriage when they were younger. But, you know, as they get older, you know, those

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those proposals and things get a bit more, you know, few and far between. So

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I think one of the advices that the chef was giving the sisters he was actually saying, if he's a six out of 10, you know, really seriously consider him? Because I think one of the things that he was saying was that

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having the perfect person, you know, on paper or the beginning seems the perfect person is not the key to a long and successful a lifelong and successful marriage, right. It's actually more about your own mindset when you're going in and your own willingness to make it work.

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So

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those are just some of my thoughts on the topic. If you have some thoughts, do share them with me through the various channels that you can reach me by either commenting if there's a comment section below this audio or video by reaching out to me on Twitter. My Twitter handle is Fatima burka Tila. I look forward to hearing from you. May Allah help you in your search May Allah help all of our brothers and sisters who are

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Looking to, you know, protect their chastity and to find marital bliss. They allow

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all of them. I mean some I mean

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what Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

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Good day