Parenting in the 21st Century – Episode 2

Edris Khamissa

Channel: Edris Khamissa

Series:

Topics: Parenting

Episode Notes

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Challenges Facing Parents Today
Models of Parenting
Characteristics of Successful Families

Episode Transcript

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parenting in the 21st century by Idris camisa, and shimmy maka three, at a time when many parents are feeling helpless. The aim of these recordings is to offer practical solutions to real problems. shokran How do you define a successful family, as well as models of parenting? In other words, the parenting styles. Now just I want to just immediately move on to our first segment, the challenges facing parents now parents face challenges in everything they do.

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They are now adults, they having to face financial challenges, emotional challenges, challenges in their marriage with their spouse, and then the added burden now of what to do with the children. Am I doing it right? Is there anything that I'm doing incorrectly? How can I improve my parenting style? Now, if you can just elaborate for me, the main challenges facing parents, please. I think shamima you referred to some of the critical challenges, you find that would modernity, people's lifestyles are so frenetic, the men and the woman often come home very, very exhausted. And our kids are often pressurize, to achieve, to achieve to achieve. And there is little or no emotional

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connection with our children. And it seems that you know, our own homes, that kids themselves are like borders, you know, they're living in their own worlds. They are isolated from the family emotionally, and spiritually. And there is little or no understanding of the experiential world of the children, the other critical challenges for parents to understand the life role of children in terms of the media, in terms of the friends they have. And this is a very important

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part that we need to look at. The other challenges that because of the pressures of modernity, you find that many more homes, there is little or no harmony in the home. And the kids are look at the parents, often through the eyes of negativity, they look at the parents, as you know, the relationship being one of adversity. And more than that, you find that the husband and wife, they often in conflict, because they already stressed out. They do love the children, all parents love the children, but they don't have little or no time to show that love or to demonstrate that love. The other aspect that is also important is this, that parents often show little or no interest in

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the holistic well being of the children in terms of the psychological development, emotional development, spiritual development, ethical development, and so on. The other challenges that we are living at a time, when the model of parenting is really one, it's a nuclear family, and grandparents and uncles have little or no role to play. And children are left often without guidance. There aren't any kind of meaningful values they can embrace from the home. So the parents role is often being diminished, because parents have forfeited their role. So there are a number of challenges. And the other important thing, something that surprised me a great deal. And you and I know shamima

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that even from the schools that we've been working together, there are more and more single parents, we never thought you're going to experience that. We thought it was something often a melody of some communities, but it's also something as Muslim families that we are involved in. And then you may have a husband and wife together. But you find that and something that you know, talk about, the father is often emotionally distant from the child. And parenting is not about one individual is about a partnership. It's about a common understanding as to what we want to achieve exactly for that ages. I want to ask you about something you started off with. You said the lifestyles of

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parents have changed. And you spoke about the stress levels of parents has increased, which is now I suppose affecting their parenting styles and

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how they interact with it.

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Children. I know one of the reasons would be in a both parents are often working as well. So that increases the stress. But what can parents do to reduce some of these challenges? You've given me quite a lot you spoke about the life world of the child is different. You say to me, parents are sometimes forgetting to look at the holistic well being of the child. You see to me,

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children have this pressure on them to achieve. What can parents do differently in order to counteract these challenges? Because, yes, I know the series about telling parents what the areas of concern as we also, each time, you're giving me an area of concern, I'm going to ask you for advice. As a parent, what can I do to reduce these challenges? I think, first and foremost, we need to recognize the fact that we have a role to play. And it's often out of complacency, or sometimes out of smugness, that we forget what it is, only when our kids

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become a deviant, they suddenly we stop in our tracks, and you don't know what went wrong, when it's too late to mean often too late. But I am a eternal optimist, I believe that at any given time you stop in your tracks, you of course, you pray to Allah, and you begin to reconnect with the essential, you know, the deprivation, the past can be transformed into a future. That is wonderful. And happy. The that's one. Secondly, is it some things did not do enough of is to do what you call a lifestyle audit. And you'll find that in homes, when mothers and fathers sit back have a conversation, speak about what's going on, on a daily basis, if there are any telltale signs that

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the children, for example, require some kind of support. And in that way, you'll find that you will stop in your tracks and begin to reconnect. And we need to do that. The other thing that we need to do is to implement some practical steps. And I'm not suggesting that those steps be imposed in the home, what it needs to be done. Of course, the father is their maid, he needs to be assertive, but he must also show sensitivity. And the aspect of Shura then comes into play. It's about talking to your children, asking them, what do you think needs to change at home, because in life, you cannot change the other, but you can change yourself. And when children have an opportunity to have a

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conversation, to speak openly, and to speak what's in their heart, and you got parents that are receptive. Of course, I'm not saying that you succumb to everything your child says. But I think it's a case in point when children believe that you know, my father listens to me, my mother listens to me. I'm not saying listening is the same thing is obeying me. But they do stop in their tracks and they begin to reflect. And when they believe that perhaps our thinking is erroneous, they talk to us about it. And we feel Alhamdulillah they have given us adequate reasons. The other thing that needs to be done is that parents themselves should not be blind. They should be aware of what's

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happening in the neighborhood, what's happening to the nephews and nieces. And they mustn't think for example, as we have said before, that feeding clothing and housing your children is a sum total of their responsibility. So it's about recognition where you are. It's about knowing where you want to go to. It's about asking yourself, what necessary steps we can take. It's about assura it's about the father, being resuscitating his role. And it's about the mother and the father, having a conversation as to what they need to do. It's about understanding the life full of children. And last but not least, of course, praying to Allah for guidance. Okay, this is what you've said it is

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with regard to challenges facing parents, and how parents can reduce these challenges in the home inshallah, recognize your role as a parent. reconnect with your child. Yeah, I'm thinking you also talking about have fun with your children. Do a lifestyle audit. In other words, communicate with your spouse, implement practical steps to open up the challenges of communication with the children in a home. Be aware of the community around you. That is your neighbors.

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Children's friends, family members that your child's going to interact with, in particular nephews, nieces, etc. Understand the life world of your child and also reconnect with Allah subhanho wa Taala. Absolutely, I think we do this, I think that would be a concrete steps that we are taking. Okay, moving on now, to our next segment, the principles of parenting.

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I want you to just tell me what is involved in parenting. But I don't want you to give me a very technical description of the principles of parenting. Because here again, you're going to tell me what are the different types and how I can help improve as a parent, I think, let's speak about the few models. And then we can interrogate each one of them.

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I remember reading this wonderful book Parent Child relations, written by Shama, Talib, and his good son and Professor above Solomon, they speak about the three phases. And we need to interrogate each of those three phases. And inshallah we'll speak about also the wonderful example that has Allah, may Allah be pleased with him, as shared with us. The first one they speak about is called the age of regulation is from the age one to seven, less, I'll give you the full three, then we can talk about each one. Then the second one, they speak about the age of imitation from eight to 12 years. And lastly, they speak about the age of inspiration, from 13 upwards. So you find we have initially

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the age of regulation, the age of imitation, and the age of inspiration, okay, we just, we're gonna talk about the first model. And

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what I like is that you're starting right from very young. So you're going to tell us about the age of regulation. And that word alone tells me that, as a parent, one has to regulate behavior of the children regulate attitudes. If you can elaborate on that, please, you see, in the first seven years of parenting is something that even a modern day as psychologists subscribe to, is a time when kids mimic adult behavior. And more importantly, they absorb those experiences. So what it means that parents should live with intentionality. And consciously, they need to create the right kind of environment at home, where kids begin to bond with their parents, because kids learn through their

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eyes is something that I remember a shake our bag, also referred to, they'll learn through the eyes. And what happens at that time, they soak in experiences. So you got to make sure that because of kids that perception, because they soak in those experiences, what is fundamental, what they need to do, is to ensure the environment is one of discipline, that parents model, the best kind of behavior, so that children would soak in those experiences, those experiences are going to be very, very positive. And remember, as we said, in the last CD, the parents are the first peers of the children. In other words, the minute you become a parent, you have somebody who's watching your

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every step in every move. So as a parent, if one remembers that you are going to be a bit of way, every time you want to do something that you don't want your child to learn that habit, so you a little bit more weird. So as a parent, if I'm going to know that somebody is watching me all the time, I think that's going to be a good starting step. Absolutely. And Jemima, you know, it may sound is a cliche, we often speak about Like father, like, son, we say it and Funny enough, my good wife was telling me the other day, I'm looking more like my father. And I was

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I was flattered on one level that my father I think was a handsome even in his old age. And but I think she's referring more the fact that I'm getting older.

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So and, and it's funny and which is said that I began to look at myself with new eyes and I said, My gosh, I do look a lot like him. And it's funny that you know, when people look at body language is incredible, especially those who understand it. They can look at a crowd of people, and they can say that these group of people belong to one family, because you you mimic the behavior. It's automatic. Remember, just think about this. The child

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is born innocent is fit for the child is a clean slate, and the child looks at the experience. And you find that even your idiosyncrasies that you might have your personal peculiarities, kids pick it up. And one of the points that are often make, let us say that parents decide for some reason, they decide, you know what, that we are not going to walk in this house, we're going to crawl, only crawl, and the child is not seen anyone walking is unlikely the child is ever going to walk. Because what a child

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once you do, but you notice as kids,

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the children after two years or so, they want to stand up on their own, they stand on the toes all the time, there's a sense of curiosity, that they'll peek into the room into the, through the window, looking at where daddy is going, and this is something that is there. But sadly, many parents do not realize that at that time, especially, kids are blessedly malleable, they're changeable, they can they like clay, they can be molded. And that's the time pedals supposed to exploit to the fullest. What you said just now is very powerful about the crawling. And if every parent just remembers that, that if nobody was walking in our home, that child wouldn't learn to

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walk, the child would just continue to crawl. And likewise, in the little behaviors, the shouting at the child, the way you sit, the way you stand, the way you talk,

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the reading the hours before the child goes to sleep the dogs before eating the dog, before sleeping after waking up, if that's inculcated in your very little baby, I'm sure then they going to model those behaviors. In fact, I remember speaking to shake Alexander from Cape Town. And he was telling me and I think his daughter memorize the Quran at a very tender age. So I asked him, What did you do at home for the child to love reading the Quran. And he said, long before the child was born, the habit they had was the Quran was being played rather on CDs or audio cassettes, whatever it was, all the time. And so And remember, in the womb, the organ that is developed first is the hearing before

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seeing. So you find that, you know, the the fetus responds to all of these things. And it's something that is natural, something that the child would embrace. So I think it's very important. I think many parents make the big, big mistake, they feel you know, we can fight front of the kids. They don't know what's going on. Yes, they may not be aware of it. But they are, for example, internalizing it, they're embracing it. And they would develop those attitudes as they grow up older. And you find that suddenly, you're seeing child that you brought up, and you thought that you know, there was no negative impact on the child, the same child suddenly as he grows older. Notice

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that he shows defiance, gets into tantrums. Sometimes he uses words of vulgarity. And you ask yourself, How did the child learn that the child learned from you more often than not? Okay, that was the age of regulation, you spoke about the age from one to seven, where we think to the parent be good role models. Allow your child to mimic your good behavior and not the bad behavior. Let's move on to our next model of parenting, which is the age of imitation. And that is from ages eight to 12. Right? You must understand that from the age of 789 10. psychologists say that your personalities are being formed. Now at this time you find children growing up, and they are preteens

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and they at that time, would rarely consciously and deliberately imitate. So what is important is this, that often parents say to this children, you must follow me. And it's the time for example, our Navy SEAL Aslam also said that you must introduce a Salah at the age of seven. And if they do not read at the age of 10 then you can beat the child yet on the beast and allow your solemn never ever beat the child. The assumption is that long before the child is seven, the child is observed you reading the Salah, so it's a very important time, very critical time in which now the children have the ability to understand language, linguistically, they have developed, they are able to

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compare behaviors and you find that kids look at the behaviors of the parents as an

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norm, this is what part of life is. And you find it has such a profound impact. For example, if a father show literally no respect for the mother, and this is a son, read the sun, what would happen to him, he would think that that's the way you treat the woman, your subject greater, your oppressor, you can demean her, it's fine. That's the Pat, my father did it. And if you're the daughter, you'd believe that this is it, that I'm the daughter. And so if my parent treats me the same way, as my father is treating my mother, that's the way it is. And it's not like that, and what has happened, it's critical, especially at this time, that parents need to understand the Islamic

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responsibility, they need to understand exactly what is their role as parents from a Islamic perspective, and to make sure that they are deliberate, the conscious, and they make sure that they model the best behavior, so kids are exposed to it. Okay, that was the age of imitation ages eight to 12, where you spoke about the child personality being formed. And this is the pre teenage. And this is the most critical time to mold your child to what you want them to turn out as an adult inshallah, and also, as a parent, know what your Islamic responsibility is to your child, because it's no sense. shouting at your 13 year old to now go and read the law, when you haven't inculcated

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it in them when they were 16, seven. And I've seen where little children of two and three, are wearing a burqa wearing a trophy and reading this aloud with the parents, it's the start, you cannot start at age 13. With that kind of thing. As you're speaking, I'm reminded of a particular incident. Professor booster Lehmann, who is one of the authors of the book, child parent relations, he was telling us that his father was a chain smoker. And he said, you know, what, once a call all his friend together, and he said to the My beloved sons and my daughter, I'm not too sure how many kids he had. And he said to them, that, you know, I have one bad habit, my beloved children is smoking.

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I'm trying so hard to give it up. I love you so much. I pray that none of you ever, ever embrace this habit, and pray that I give it up. And I think what happened was this, he was saying to us, that discussion is such a profound impact on us, that we realize that, you know, we don't want to imitate this habit of my father. So it's also recognizing that you have some habits that may be unsavory, and you need to recognize that you cannot be hypocritical, to demand some things of your children. But continuing with things that are negative to like I say, and not as I do. Okay, fine.

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There's just one other aspect I want to ask you about before we move on to the next model, you know, in this period of the age of regulation and of imitation, which is from year one to age 12 very often appearance having an A the next child, sometimes by the time a child is nine years old mums already had the second one and the third one, just give me a little bit of a scenario on

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what can a parent expect, when a new baby comes into the to the home from the oldest sibling? You know, shamima, one of the growing concerns of children

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is they say, you know what, Mommy, now, you don't show me any love or affection. And I feel neglected. And they may say it when they're much older. One of the mistakes we make As parents, we need to give our kids the glad tidings of the second sibling, as it were. And they need to remind the first sibling, the first son or daughter, about the wonderful time that they gave him the care, you know, staying awake at night, sometimes loving them and caring for them, and telling them you know what, when we have the second child, we want you to also play your part. The way we did, in that way becomes a family affair. And when we often speak about sibling rivalry, and you find that

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in many homes,

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this has become a norm, but the rivalry must not turn into hostility. There's something else because all of us want affection. Sometimes we can be very, very selfish by

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Some things are not explained is problematic. Now, the other thing is this, you got to understand each of your children. Now, I don't believe in treating kids with equality. But with equity. That means you got to understand the needs of each child, as long as you do not bruise the self esteem eroded as long as you do not cut them off of things. And I think that is fundamental. All right, she's Akela. For that, you know, I had to ask you that question. Because I know, that is a pet peeve of all parents, what do I do when the new baby comes along? It's a big one that's having the tantrums and traveling. So Jazakallah for that. And the third model that we're moving on to is the

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age of inspiration, which is from ages 13 moving upwards. And yeah, I'm quite surprised because it you just said 13 upwards, you haven't said 13 to 18, or 13, to 20, which means this continues its age of your child learning forever. So if you can elaborate for me, please, on this age of inspiration, my understanding of this, there was a time shamima that our parents, we are our heroes. Often in our conversation with friends and peers, we often say, Oh, you cannot beat my father, you cannot beat my mother. And we talk about it, we, we speak about it, we have fun about it. Because this is a point. If you want to really

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create or ensure that your child lady leaves a significant legacy. I think what the child needs is inspiration, they must be inspired by you. They must say you know what I want to be like my father, I want to be like my mother, I want to embrace the qualities I want to contribute to society as my parents are doing. I want to be articulate as my father, I want to be an avid reader, like my father, I want to read my Salah as my father, I want to read the Quran, as my father is doing so beautifully. And with understanding, I want to do the many, many things that they have done. So children require a lot of inspiration. So the first seven years, we spoke about his regulation, that

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is forward imitation. And then we go on to inspiration. Now the kids need to be inspired. And when the kids are inspired, what happens, they are now beginning to take ownership of their own life. Remember this, remember the time of regulation, you have complete control of your child complete, because it's a time when the child is exposed to most to the pins, right, the time of imitation is there little later on, because now you find that you got to make sure also, that your kids are exposed to friends that also have noble habits. So kids also can become extension of the home. And the last one is the time of inspiration, a time so that we as Muslims, or we as individuals have any

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kind of faith that our children will leave the world a better place. Because we are supposed to be producers and not consumers. We're supposed to embrace excellence. We're not supposed to celebrate mediocrity. It is you've shared with me the one model where you spoke about three ages, the age of regulation, the age of imitation and age of inspiration, I want to move on to another model that I want you to discuss with me. And I think you're also the ages are almost similar.

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You don't want to know about having fun, which age will they be that focus, having fun, which stage will be there be the focus on me training and disciplining my child. And at some stage, I should become my child's friend. If you can just tell me about the three stages in this model inshallah. Ali

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suggested that in the first seven years,

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you should indulge your children, for their discovering the world, someone or some individuals speak about is a time of bonding, very critical time of bonding. So parents a primary role at that time is to bond with the child not to do what many of us do is beginning to send them to formal schools and to begin to teach them things without bonding within the bonding is critical, because it builds up a trust. Then he speaks about that in the second stage between seven and 14

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he suggested is a time

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of learning.

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It's a time when children have a heightened capacity to receive and absorb information, and thus learn new things. It's a time when kids are very receptive to learning. Now you find that the bonding has not taken place, then children would be resistant to that knowledge and discovery, because the relationship itself would be adversarial. And the third stage he speaks about, that he says parents should be friend them that you form a relationship that is amicable, and that is full of kindness and companionship. and thereafter, it says the children should be set free, as they are now, adults. So the three stages you're talking about here is much the same as the previous one. But

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here we're talking about from age one to just about seven where we think, have fun with your child, and let that be a time of bonding. The second stage from age eight to about 14

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is the time where the child's going to gain knowledge. And it's your time as a parent to train and discipline your child. And the final stage 15 upwards is the rational stage, where you're going to now befriend your child, and you're going to

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give them these values for life inshallah, yeah, and thereafter, you set them free, because remember this, you cannot insulate or isolate your children. But something often say you can inoculate them, it's very important to give them such inoculation with commas, that can be an effective antidote for some of the challenges they might find themselves outside the home. It is moving on, I want to ask you, what are the characteristics of a successful family?

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There are many characteristics of a successful family. And you find that, of course, there isn't a better example, the example of an obese will allow you a slump in terms of his housel the role he played, the values he espoused the values he lived by. And that is quite critical. And if you were to just annotate them, let's talk about each one of them separately. I think the first critical aspect is the issue of communication.

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That is very, very fundamental.

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Okay, it is communication that you think is one of the key characteristics of a successful family communication between home? And is it communication with my spouse, as well as communication with the children, if you can just elaborate, please, because you must understand that the institution of families are the most important institutions in Islam. And it's a very critical institution. Now, if you want to make your home into a sanctuary, it is fundamental that this communication taking place all the time, where

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the father was the meat of the home, would share exactly his challenges, or share with a family, his joys, and the children's should be able to also come home and share the pain and the joy. And when children know, for example, that I can share my pain without my father or mother chastising me, it makes a big difference because psychologists have reminded us that revealing is healing is cathartic. It's something that purchase you and cleanses you. So communication is fundamental. I know many of our sisters often complain that if my father or other if my husband was not talking to his friend, I would have no idea that next week is going overseas or automotives going on a fishing

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trip. And they always complain that and some fathers are very clever. They speak loudly to the friends only for the wife to hear that and when the conversation is over, and she would it but he said You never told me and you stayed on. I told you I told you, right. And I know that many of us are guilty of that. I think communication is important at all levels. I think through communication you know exactly where your family stands, knew exactly what you need to do. You need to know exactly who needs support so on and so forth. Okay, just the first characteristic you sing is communication. What is the next important characteristic for a successful family? One of the

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important characteristics the encouragement of individuals, and I want to share with you a study that I came across recently. Now, often there is a debate what is more important praise

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encouragement. The Many people will say praise. But in one study, they allowed two groups of children

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to sit for a test. And what they did the one group, the teacher was told, I want you to praise those children. So of course, you would praise them by saying, Oh my gosh, you're so brilliant. You like geniuses? Wow, wow, wow kind of thing. And they asked the other teacher should be encouraging, although they perform.

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Similarly, so the second person said, well, you have done very well, you know, what, my gosh, you know, we need to, if you continue to work together, you can achieve brilliance, and so on and so forth. So the second person was more encouraging. Then they said, Okay, fine, they brought the group together, they said to them, we will now want to give you another test. And this test is going to be far more demanding than the previous test. How many of you want to participate in this test? Surprisingly,

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none of those kids, or few of the shown that were praised, lavishly wanted to participate. But the group that was encouraged all of them wanted to, so what was the reason behind it, because now, the group that was praised, you put them in cloud nine, as it were, they were too afraid to lower that they are too afraid. They want to maintain the illusion that they are bright, they don't need to be tested again. So that encouragement is something very important. Now, when I say encouragement of individuals, what does it mean? It means you got to understand each of your children, you got to understand your wife you got, they got to understand you. And you always need to encourage because

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we want our family to be constantly motivated, always striving to be the best and pursuing excellence. You know, that's a very important point you've made because if you forever praising your child, he creates stresses upon the child to forever succeed in everything they're doing. And I know, this is one of the challenges that the kids are faced with, because they know that my mom's only going to be happy if I've excelled at something. So I like this change that you're talking about where we're talking about encouragement rather than praise, infection, Mima, you find that those kids that are praised lavishly, sometimes, for fear of reprimand, for fear, they don't want to

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be scoffed at what they do, they might even cheat

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in an examination, that might light through the teeth, because they do not want the perception, the peers or the friends have of them to be a negative perception. All right, the next characteristic that you're going to talk to us about Idris is a commitment to family. And that's very important. You know, what you find that in many of our homes, we are, in essence, a dysfunctional, each one of us is doing our own thing. These are individuals that are almost like borders, they're eating and sleeping there, there isn't much interaction, and there isn't a commitment to the family. What what it really means is that if someone in your family they say, charity begins at home, is going through

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some challenge, it is our collective responsibility to help and support them to be at the side and the green through joy. We need to celebrate with them. And when there is a commitment to family, of course, families have certain value system, what are you really doing? You want your children, you want every member to embrace the best that is there in the family?

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Okay, it is you've given me three thus far, if you can talk to me about the next characteristic. The important characteristic, perhaps the most important characteristic characteristic, is the whole idea of Islamic obligations. Now as a family, we need as the Quran is very clear, is to save yourself and your family from the fire of hell. So it's important, it is critical, it is imperative that we fulfill our Islamic obligations. I'm not only talking about the rituals, I'm talking about your relationships with your neighbors, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with wider society. And it's important that as a collective, we need to support each other in doing that,

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that we need to enjoin the teachers good and forbid that which is wrong.

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And the next one that I want to share with you is social connectedness. Now you find that, especially today, when there are so many distractions, you'll find that our children do not feel connected with members of the family and they find

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difficult for them to forge relationships with other people are Nagisa loudly assylum has reminded us that there is no good in an individual who neither be friends or is befriended. A. So it's a social obligation, you got to have friends, you need to connect with people, because you and I know that those people that have authentic friends, these friends, remind them about what is right and wrong. And when you have an authentic friend, you speak what your heart tells you, and they would correct you, they would embrace you, and share with you those wonderful things you are doing or perhaps guide you when you need help.

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Okay, it is thus far, we spoken about five characteristics, and I just want to quickly run through them we spoke about communication in the home, encouragement of individuals in the family, commitment to family members, fulfilment of one's Islamic obligations, and social connectedness is that all that they know there are many more shamima will just do a few more. The other one is perhaps one of the other important ones, is the emotional connection, you find that

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many a parent today has not connected emotionally with a child, a very few of them, perhaps would hug their children. I know when I speak about this. I mean, from the last time we did the program, or two now I lost both my parents and I know you also lost your beloved father shamima. Right. And now, it is a different scenario, we begin to appreciate them more. And I haven't stopped crying. And I'm sure as I'm speaking to you, that emotions are also willing in your eyes, and something will never get over. And but the joy we get that we were emotionally connected with them. I remember the tears of my mother when I saw hug the tears of my father. And you find that when children grow up in

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a home, where tears are flowing, where there is a social connectedness, these children of ours are able to deal with the challenges of marriage are able to connect with other people in a meaningful way. And one thing is emotional connection, then you are load as it were to hurt those people that love you. But that also tying with demonstrating love for family members. Yes, it would also tie in with that. And what is very critical is that once it ties in, what we are really talking about here, collectively, is the whole idea of cohesion, the whole idea of connectedness, and there isn't a situation. For example, a child feels emotionally distant, which is what about play and humor in the

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home. Oh, thanks for reminding me that's important. The home is a place of laughter play. And now an abyssal olalia celibacy use the play methodology. People now at Harvard University are saying that's one of the important ingredient in connecting with people teaching people. And sadly, that also is missing dimension in our schools. Humor is important. I mean, sometimes in some homes, it's only, you know, anger and

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vitriol, there isn't this kind of laughter that is fundamental.

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Finally, one more I want to ask you about his trust in the home, because the child has the ability to trust family members, they know they can try out their maturity, in the comfort of the home trust cannot be overemphasized.

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A when you trust people, you can open your heart. When you do not trust people or the Trust has been eroded, you keep things to yourself. And suddenly the same child that is spontaneous locations, often would share things without hesitation draws into another world, the wall of the mind, interior landscapes suddenly his personality changes. And having said that shamima I want to end it off with one last characteristic. And the last characteristic is that the roles of each child of the parent and the mother has to be clearly delineated. I will not be allowed to tell him.

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His beloved wife is to say we needs to come home is to help the household chores. When he heard the call of prayer, he left immediately. And I think we need to do that. I know many of my male counterparts not likely when I say this, that you need to also help the household chores. We need to speak about it. We need to sit together with the family and share those responsibility.

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Otherwise it becomes an imposition on one individual, often or mothers and that can create a lot of challenges in our homes. Alhamdulillah Idris there's quite a bit we've discussed in the CD and I just want to quickly mention the topics we spoke about the challenges facing parents. We also spoke about the models of parenting and you gave us two different models and the parenting styles. And then we spoke about a successful family what you what you chose as aspects defining a successful family. Now I'm hoping inshallah, that

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people will get the idea that to be part of a successful family, there's so many components involved. We don't have to say well, my children don't listen. So we are unsuccessful. And there's always hope there's always improvement on how to create that kind of harmony in the home, inshallah