Making your home a sanctuary even in this challenging times

Edris Khamissa

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Channel: Edris Khamissa

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AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the importance of parenting and maintaining healthy relationships in a home, including maintaining good friendships and regular events. They emphasize the need for acceptance in relationships and the importance of learning about Islam. The speakers stress the importance of respectful behavior and avoiding harms in relationships, as well as the need for emotional intelligence to predict outcomes and avoid negative consequences. They also emphasize the importance of being mindful of one's words and being a good person in order to create a safe environment for children to live.
AI: Transcript ©
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Salam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Welcome to our parents session a second session here. I'm Surya parrot, the school counselor based at the school. And as you're aware that our topic today is making your home a sanctuary even in these challenging times, I take this opportunity to welcome the governing board because this program is being live streamed and to the headmaster, Mr. And soon, our senior management management parents, colleagues and our learners and our guest speaker who does I think some parents have already known Mr. Cammisa, who has been so instrumental in the education arena and sector. To give you an introduction on Mr. Idris camisa. Mr. camisa is an international

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consultant in Education and Human Development. He began his career as a teacher of English. His passion and expertise for the subject culminate is his domination of chip, Chairman of English society of South Africa, and SBI, a head teacher of these schools. He has conducted numerous workshops in over 30 countries including Australia, United States, Canada, England, Middle East, and I'm not going to go through the entire list.

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family dynamics in the 21st century and project management he promotes excellence, wherever he goes. He is an advisory member of the IBOR international board of education, research and resources. He is the co author of either manual for schools, and a co author of The Art of public speaking, embrace the joys of public speaking and premarital conversations and beyond. His expertise is a self development curriculum design. His creativity may made him a dynamic Lecturer in methodology in International Peace University of South Africa. He contacts motivation and training for business cooperations. His particular focus is in soft skills. Youth Leadership is another area of his focus.

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He is regular guests at the national and community radio station. His attendees finds his program life changing, and he believes that he should

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take ownership of our lives. This is clearly evident in his personal empowerment seminars and workshops. One of the other specialities is motivating and training nursing staff. He also is part of public speaking Academy. And one of his unique features is ability to respond to the diverse needs of our community. And is not only identifies the challenges, but he's able to provide solutions, all in his dynamic individual with diverse talents. So we do have a speaker who has a vast knowledge of very, very clear understanding of human behavior of soft skills and training persons in various facets of living and life skills and just being able to cope. So our topic is

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quite apt for a welcome Mr. Cammisa because the topic is actually quite apt with all the research you have done. And I think we all need the refresher from time to time as we have been through some very challenging time, and is presenting with further challenging times as we in the present as well. So this will be an informative presentation, and I would really want persons to take this message to your other colleagues. And we then can have this really spread as information for our learners as well as parents. So just that Allah, I'm handing over to our very esteemed guests, Mr. camisa.

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The Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful, the Lord of All the Worlds to whom we belong to whom is our return, and may his choices blessings go to the highest of Allah's creation, our beloved Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the most generous in companionship, the most gentle in speech, indeed, the most eloquent ambassador to humanity at large. A salaam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

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As long as

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you speak English yes speak English. Okay.

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I want to start off by depressing your first

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I want to shock you a bit.

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Then I'll give you solutions

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in my heart

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Herbalife

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in my interaction with the communities globally

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I have concluded

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that we as a OMA,

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we are bleeding.

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We are bleeding.

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Why do I say that?

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Did you ever think in your life that in South Africa, there'll be an organization called ex Muslim Association?

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Did you think in your life,

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young boys and young girls

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would prefer same sex attraction than the sacred institution of marriage?

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I won't go into the details because I deal with that. It is heartbreaking.

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So

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I don't want to share more stories with you. But suffice it to say, psychologists have said, and I want you to repeat this after me all of you repeat it after me. If I

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do not change

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in the next 48 hours,

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it's unlikely I'm going to change

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if I

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do not change in the next 48 hours,

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is unlikely I'm going to change

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if I

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do not change in the next 48 hours

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is unlikely I'm going to change.

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Now you got to ask yourself.

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Firstly,

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why

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do young boys and girls misbehave

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and I also want to make the statement and I want you to reflect on it.

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That parenting is not so much your relationship

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with your child, but it is your relationship with your spouse. Think about that very, very deeply.

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Parenting is not so much your relationship with your child, but your relationship with your spouse.

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So as I'm talking to you, I know you may be thinking how I wish my husband could be how I wish my husband could be and I want to share something with you. When you go back home if you enjoyed my talk, if you didn't, it's okay with me and my self esteem is intact. When you go back there, tell him you know my darling. I'm so glad I went. It taught me a lot about myself. Don't say about him. You know you got to use some wisdom sisters wisdom.

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Now it's very very important that we do that.

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So a critical thing. Children want to grow up in a stable home.

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Children want to go you know grew up in a home with these expression of love.

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Children want to grow up in a home with this demonstration of the glove I will not be saying the loud he was seldom was very expressive about his love. In fact, I want to write a book Nabi SallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam, the romantic Prophet,

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the romantic Prophet,

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you should hug your husband in front of your child.

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The first thing

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you do in the morning when you're leaving each other is to hug each other.

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You come back, you hug each other, you hug your children

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hug your children

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that has become so important especially in today's context. Today is context because very importantly, very critically, we are normal living. We are normal living in a

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extended family. You know, they say it takes a whole village to bring up a child a whole village. I know I was reminded by one of my friends. He told me this I don't know if you remember I come from poor chips and beautiful town visit chips and how many of you have been to put chips in?

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Okay, that's why those didn't go and swear you looking depressed scholarships. So he said to me in the early days, one day I wore jeans you know jeans, Levi's.

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jeans, young men looking cool and all that acid.

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And I went to the mosque during my salah. And his father reprimanded me looking into wearing jeans, he reprimanded me. Right?

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Because they cared, you know,

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they can't.

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Today, an uncle can reprimand his nephew. That's another story. So what do I mean by this love, I'm gonna share a few things with you, and I want you to implement it.

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Right? Raise your hands, those of you hug your spouse before they leave.

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If you don't start doing it, start doing it. There are many stories to be told please, many, many stories to be told. In fact, I can predict whether a person will be happily married or not. If I asked him over the childhood experiences

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showed that love.

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Now why am I saying that? When your kids feel loved by you, when they feel connected to you, when you say you know what, my child I love you, Fatima, you're going to be a great young lady sometime, Mohammed, I love you Mohamed, you're going to be a leader, sometimes that talk of yours would lead to a positive self talk, it will give them self belief. Because all children require the following as they require.

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Right? They require acceptance, there was no mommy and daddy love me. They love me, they have accepted me. They all need appreciation. They all need affection, they all need attention. They all need positive attributes. And they need acknowledgement, all of them, all of them. So it's very, very important that you have that. That acceptance, hug them play with them. Now, let me explain something to you. I just share one story with you for you to understand this. Because for me, it's so critical. It is so fundamental. If you go back doing that alone, inshallah. Now, the critical aspect is this. When When you love someone, and they love you,

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do you want to break their heart?

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You don't want to. Sometimes you assume that because I give my children all of these things, that they understand that I love them.

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In giving our children what we did not have, we forgot to give them what we had. And now to share with you is true stories. One hour is too short for me to warm up with, you know, this is depressing.

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A true stories to one, please. And you made a promise to me. You're going to go back and do things differently. You made a promise. You made a promise Shala. Really, man. Really, really, really it breaks my heart. When I see what is going on. It breaks my heart. The one story is there was someone phoned me up. He said to me, You know what, I have an issue with my wife, we have an issue. So what's the issue? He says I'm married to have for 12 years, she has never expressed a love for me. But I can deal with that. But we have a child, one year old child, the child is not experiencing the maternal love. Not experiencing it at all.

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asked him What do you want to do? He says, Well, I want to stay in the relationship. So what about your wife is Emma speak to her? So when I spoke to her, I asked her what do you want to do? Well, she said to me, I want to stay in the relationship, except my father said to me, if I don't go come home now must never come back. This was a recurring problem. I said to her, you stay with your husband, the love doctor is gonna help you. Who is the love doctor?

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Of course, the doctor of loves. And my wife also likes it and I like it. So anyway, I went to the town. I won't mention the town, which part of the world you're going to start speculating. You know, our minds, you know, we get a Yeah, I think the thing anyway. So, you see there is no coincidence in Islam. So the husband fetch me and then asked him, okay, or he told me of his own volition, asked you tell me about your wife. Look what he said to me. When my wife was one year old, her mother left them. Uh huh. So I met both of them. Then I said to them, I want them to hold each other's hands because you know, marriage is context sport, right? It's got export. So I said, hold each other's

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hand. And I said to her, I want you to imagine that your husband is your

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Mother, whatever you like to tell her, that you will not tell her say it now. And she started right. It was so cathartic, so emotional. She said to him, mommy, mommy,

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Allah gave me such a beautiful child.

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Smiling, innocent man. But I do not know how to be a mother to this child. You and Daddy never hugged me when I grew up. I don't know Ma, y Ma, y Ma, she's crying and the husband is crying. And now I'm an emotional guy. So I was crying also. Right, I was happy. Then she said, you know, Allah, you know, Ma, Allah gave me such a wonderful husband. So compassionate, so affectionate. But I do not know how to return that love Ma, y Ma, because I never saw you and daddy hugging each other. And then they both got up, asked her, How do you fit? He says I've closure and asked him how do you fit in now understand my wife. From that day onwards, the life change? You see, now you know what I'm

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saying to you. So your children must see that your children must see that affection. Your children must see that connection. You understand? Right? There's one. The second one is this. There is a story of giving the latter part of the story. It was a tipping point for me. When one father says, I was sitting, I was comfortable at home. And my son came after one of those classes in the afternoon by a teacher who was inspired ironically, because one of his pupils committed suicide, to teach them how to show love. And he said I was in scouts. I was sitting in my lounge. And my son came to me, he said to me, Daddy, Daddy, would you please stand up? I was taken aback by his request. But I stood

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up. He kissed me in both my cheeks. And he said to me, Daddy, I love you. I began to cry. I asked my beloved Son, why are you telling me this now, and my son replied, Messiah tell you when you are dead.

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Therefore more roses are given at the time of death. Then, when people are alive, those roses are roses because of regret.

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So I hope you've got that message. So the first thing I want you to do, and remember this, very, very importantly, when there is an ongoing conflict between a couple.

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It also conflicts children.

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And children can also manipulate the situation.

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Studies have shown

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that up to I think 60% of kids that grew up that grow up in a home, but there's ongoing conflict, the cry themselves to sleep and say why was a born in this home.

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The second thing that I want to recommend very strongly to all of you is to make sure make sure that your children have good friends.

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Good friends, it is fundamental. Good friends like the earth, they like the extension of the home, the kind of values right now.

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Friendship itself is very, very critical. In fact, you should know all your children's friends, they should be able to come home, isn't it? Right? And make them feel wanted.

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They too can be like a conscience. They must be children that will also say to your son, hey, that is not allowed. It's unacceptable. Right now, but there's another point that is also very important.

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You know, we speak about loving our kids, we speak about getting to understand them.

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But the other question is, do we have conversations with them?

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Do we get to know them? Do they feel free to share one of the concerns?

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Do they do that?

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And this is very important. And you know May Allah grant my all parents the highest status in Ghana. You know, I just give an example.

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I was when I was younger I don't regard myself as all new South Sudan. I be still young, you know, we've got I've got my state body parts in the car there. So anyway,

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and my father was a word they use a martinet. You know, stick

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disciplinarian,

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and so I grew up in that home.

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But I must tell you, the relationship I had with both of them.

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Your parents can't be your friends, but you can have a friendly relationship with is a difference.

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I could talk to my father about anything about anything, I mean anything, and he will not judge me.

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You understand? We talk before each other. And my relationship with my father

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became stronger. Because I initiated the hugging of the story about the father, you know, I initiated it to such a point, if I someone told me my dad was at the function somewhere sitting in front, I would walk down there and give him a hug.

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Give him a hug. I should do that. Right. The third important aspect is this. As a home, you got to have what I believe to have a routine.

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Now that routine, he says, Yes, we have a routine. But did you discuss that routine? Do your children participate in that routine? In that routine, you also have your mean time, in the routine, you also have family time.

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Right. And sitting around the table, having a meet together is such an important time to develop in children social etiquette, it's a time for the man of the house, to celebrate even his wife,

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statistically, whether we like it or not my son soon woman outlive us,

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your maker life such a misery we died

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before your

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women outlive men. Now in that home, if the father did not empower the mother, if he did not treat with respect can with significance that when you die is going to be almost impossible for her,

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you know, to control discipline, and have any meaningful relationship with the children.

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Right. Now, the other important aspect is this, that the routine as I said, you need to talk about it. The routine could be they say a family that eats together, plays together and prays together stays together. Now talking about prayer, and all of those things, it is not enough. It is not enough. And I say this also to the teachers of Islamic Studies, it is not enough to teach your children the what and how of Islam must also teach them the why of Islam. Why you pray? Why do this? Why why why it's a very, very important thing to bear in mind right now, because when they become part of a plural society, others will be engaging the mask in the me more madmen. I save you time

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you will be like us. We pray once a week, man, you know why, you know, at least he will be here in every way. I mean, he'll have the capacity to respond.

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The other important thing is this in terms of the routine. It also includes me time, it includes like as a family, encouraging the habit of reading. Reading is so important, right? It also encourages friends once a week do voluntary work, and a whole range of things. Okay. And the thing that today, I must tell you there are two books that I've read one book that I've read already the other book I've ordered, I mean, I'm reading the one book is called boys adrift.

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Boys adrift is a very powerful book. The second book that I just ordered, and I'm reading is called the

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the boy crisis.

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What they have found, because of the kinds of foods that we are eating, that boys are becoming a masculine, they know more people have courage. You know, women are becoming more courageous. In fact,

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the other thing they speak about, which might, if you're interested, therefore Nabi SallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam also spoke but Tayyab organic food. In fact, in the book boys adrift, they said 70% of the fish they caught on the Potomac River 70% of the male fish, instead of them producing sperms that produce eggs, because of endocrine disruptors, and also the book The boy Christ.

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As they say, there was a time when a father potential or prospective father was asked your child your, you said your wife is expecting, what would you prefer a boy or a girl. At one time, most people said boys now the singles. The same goes your daughter will always be with you.

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But things have changed. And the point I'm making is this and I want you to understand the context in which we are living. During this COVID The flooding, the looting, it had, it has impacted on the personality of people. Extroverts have become introverts, introverts are not even speaking at home or homes or become quiet places, there is knee jerk reaction.

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There is no engagement. There is pessimism. There are demands made on the breadwinner, he cannot cope with it. And as a result, people are looking at distractions that are in political Islam. To is important for empathy is important for conversations is important to elicit the opinions of your children. And you got to be guarded. You got to understand the cell phone, you got something innocuous, right, you got innocuous.

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And you got to understand that you got to understand who they engage with. I remember when we grew up.

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If I spend a Sunday afternoon at a friend's place, my dad would ask me say the trees

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how you spent the afternoon. So I'll say I was at so and so's place. My father was happy. He knows the youngster. He knows the family. Today, your daughter could be in the bedroom for two hours. She comes down for dinner. And if you were to ask him where you're coming from Cipa data come from my room. But where are you really coming from?

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Where are you really coming from?

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And we are living in a global free world. Permissive everything is allowed is about entitlement me myself I sometimes unwittingly as parents, you might be incubating a monster tone

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is very, very important to engage with them, to speak to them about sensitive issues, speak to them about the reality on the ground. So you as a parent must become conversant. You must also do research, understand

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what was impacting on teenagers. These combined is impacting on preteens.

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And you must be sensitive you an example, right? I'll just be two examples. The one example there was a 10 year old boy

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he was becoming effeminate. He wants to play with girl toys. And the mother and father were you know, confused, they had no idea until they sought someone advice.

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What happened was this, that the second child that they had, they had was born differently able and as a result the mother and father were giving the girl child all the attention.

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You see. So he thought perhaps you know subconsciously whatever, that if I want the attention, then I must be a girl not a boy.

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So these things are very important. Very, very important. It is very, very critical. And also is very important. The rates are very critical thing, the way you introduce Allah to the children. The way you introduce Allah and His Nabi SallAllahu wasallam.

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What are you promoting? What are they learning from you?

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It is not so much who you want your children to be. But do they want to be you?

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Are you a source of inspiration or a source of embarrassment.

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And also, when it when it comes to your children, it's important that you and your husband, you and your spouse must be on the same page. You have to be on the same page. You can have some subtle differences, okay? But your values must be the same. You'll never undermine each other.

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It's important to talk about it to have a conversation.

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It's very, very critical. You do that? Yes, there's no harm. If you and your spouse disagree. long as you're not disagreeable. You are promoting the institution of marriage. You are saying you know what you can disagree but you don't have to be disagreeable. These are these are very important things.

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When you go back, when you I'm not too sure what your rituals are at home, it's very important that you take conscious steps, be vigilant, do not be a remote control parent, do not assume because your child has got an iPad or is front of the television is a babysitter. Today, even cartoons themselves have subtle messages.

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You got to engage with them, you got to and especially when they're kids, they're malleable.

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The more receptive and it's important is very, very important. The values, what are your values, what kind of son or daughter do you want, identify maybe six, seven attributes. You say, You know what we like our son, to be a leader. Or perhaps you say, I would like our son to be a creative person, we like him to be compassionate, then see how you can deal with this. And this is fundamental that we do that.

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Very importantly, also, is when your children do wrong, there has to be accountability and consequences. You cannot ignore that. I'm not saying you must be overly punitive far from it, but have measures that are in place. That is very, very critical.

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Now, what I would also recommend,

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maybe I think I should show you, I've done some slides also, you know.

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Now, if you look at

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I've got your family, like branches on a tree, you all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one. That's very important. In fact, in many of our homes, there are no roots, the foundation is wrong, the foundation not strong enough. Therefore hazard Alia thing we said, there are three stages in a child's development. The first seven years is bonding.

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This third time, the child begins to trust you. The child learns through the eyes, watching you and mimicking your behavior for seven years is bonding from seven to 14 is a time of instruction, discipline and learning. And after 14, you become the child's confidant,

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the child's confidant, right. But it's very important sometimes the mistakes we make some times in mollycoddle our children, which is completely wrong.

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This is critical. Respect is very, very critical. You and your spouse especially must be respectful, because I will not be so the loud he was seldom said I've come yet to perfect morals, be respectful, is some form the profanity finishes me. It's unbelievable. Be respectful, be respectful, and never say You know what? I was a respectful young lady until I married my husband. It doesn't work like that.

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Right? Be respectful.

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That is very critical. Now, another thing that I want to really

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focus on is the whole issue of your child's self esteem. Can anyone tell me what is self esteem?

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What do you understand my self esteem?

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Yeah, their self concept how they see themselves right? Then how do you develop a child's self esteem? What do you do?

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I'll share with you 10 things but Karen.

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positive affirmation Yes. Children become the attributes you give them.

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If you tell your son, you're going to be a leader sometime inshallah. He begins to believe that pause what else?

00:34:29--> 00:34:30

What else? Command?

00:34:33--> 00:34:38

Yes, okay. There are many things you can do. Remember, I shared with you the six A's.

00:34:39--> 00:34:43

You need to spend time with them. You need to get themselves belief.

00:34:44--> 00:34:57

You need to hug them. You need to be good to the mother that also impacts on them. The other one is, besides getting himself belief is not only spending time with them

00:34:59--> 00:34:59

less

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

Paying with empathy to them very important how you listen to them.

00:35:06--> 00:35:08

You'd be surprised at the tender age,

00:35:10--> 00:35:22

your risk rating and the things that you do with a child, it will have a profound, profound impact. Now, why is self esteem so important? When children have low self esteem?

00:35:25--> 00:35:30

They become suspicious, they are insecure, they have a victim mentality.

00:35:32--> 00:35:37

They blame everyone for the circumstances that take no responsibility.

00:35:39--> 00:35:41

If they've got high self esteem,

00:35:42--> 00:35:50

they are decision makers. They are independent and inter dependent. They have generosity of heart.

00:35:51--> 00:36:02

They have self belief. What a difference. Now sometimes, now, leave that part alone, right? There is another issue about instant gratification.

00:36:04--> 00:36:12

When you give children whatever they want, whenever they want, and how much they want. You are incubating a monster.

00:36:13--> 00:36:15

Right, you must have come across

00:36:16--> 00:36:40

the story. The few tests is called a marshmallow tests. If you go on YouTube, you'll see the marshmallow test where the person doing the experiment. You had a tick for three to four year old children in cubicles sitting separately, some time one or two cases yet the siblings them, he gave them a marshmallow. And he said to them,

00:36:42--> 00:37:13

I'm going out for a little while. And when I come back, if you haven't eaten the marshmallow, I'll give you a bigger marshmallow. And it is quite funny. Also, when you watch those kids playing with it and whatnot. Then what happened was this number of kids ate the marshmallow. But some of them did not. Then about 12 to 14 years later, he followed all those children. Guess what he found? He was trying to teach the children delayed gratification.

00:37:15--> 00:37:35

You know, what they found that those kids that ate the marshmallow in the short time, they had problems at school, many of them delinquent behavior, they were erratic in their relationships. And they scored 60 points less in the standardized tests.

00:37:37--> 00:37:45

Those other kids were emotionally more stable than the far better school that did not have issues in terms of relationship.

00:37:46--> 00:37:58

They were self motivated. You see that? So it's very, very important. Right? The other important thing is the whole issue that I will speak in a few minutes about is emotional intelligence.

00:38:00--> 00:38:03

Can you hear it? Does anyone know what emotional intelligence

00:38:08--> 00:38:11

I don't want you to go to the car park and say, you know, I knew it

00:38:14--> 00:38:15

was emotional intelligence.

00:38:17--> 00:38:24

In fact, people are saying today that EQ is worth twice the IQ.

00:38:25--> 00:38:31

Emotional Intelligence is a greater predictor of success than a person's IQ.

00:38:32--> 00:38:37

Leaders with EQ are more dynamic than leaders without the EQ.

00:38:38--> 00:38:46

You are not born emotionally intelligent, but you have the capacity is learned behavior. Learnt behavior.

00:38:48--> 00:39:40

Basically, mostly intelligence is the fact that you know, we have over 300 emotions, the main emotions, you're either mad, sad, glad or terrified. At any given time, you're going through some emotion. Right? You're going through some emotion. Now, so what happens to you, you're able to regulate your emotion. You say, hey, you know, for example, let's say I'm driving home, and some nutcase. They knocks him to me. You don't get mesh. So I'm infuriated. So I'm coming to my wife now right at home, I need to discuss something that I say to myself, You know what? Hey, man, I'm not in you know, I mean, maybe I need to come down a bit. You understand? See, he's not appropriate. It

00:39:40--> 00:39:51

does not mean you mustn't feel anger. It does not mean you mustn't experience sadness. You experience all those emotions, but you must not act upon those emotions.

00:39:53--> 00:40:00

You do not act upon those emotions. Not only that, the thing about a person

00:40:00--> 00:40:10

Through the high EQ, he never suffers or she suffers what you call an emotional meltdown. Like uns spouse have a little fight disagreement. Do you know why I'm very Do

00:40:11--> 00:40:39

you know, you realize you've got an issue. You're still happily married but you've got an issue you need to sort out. And the thing if you've got a high EQ, you're also socially aware. If I'm speaking to my wife, my darling my Shabaab, Lena Don Hansard, so I was speaking to her an hour telling us something and I realized, hey, a body language is changing. Maybe my tone is wrong. You can deflect and that's an important thing.

00:40:41--> 00:40:47

Oh Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had the highest EQ. I'll just share with you

00:40:48--> 00:40:55

two or three incidents. One incident is about has an ally, for example, he was rushing for Salah,

00:40:56--> 00:40:59

and in front of him there was an old man.

00:41:01--> 00:41:23

So his Salah got delayed. In Medina, I think it was so nervous. Last time I asked him, what happened. He said, I was rushing for Salah, and there was an old man in front of me. If I rushed past him, I might have made him aware of his fragility and mortality. That's why I slowed down. Just look at that.

00:41:24--> 00:41:40

The other incident, as you know, the terminal visa Laude was selling was very sad. And he was burying his son, Ibrahim Alayhi. Salam. And the Sahaba was surprised that he was crying, you know. So someone asked him and he said, you know,

00:41:41--> 00:41:53

the eyes meet, and the heart grieves. But the tongue will not say anything that is displeasing to Allah. It's also about self control. The other quick incident,

00:41:54--> 00:42:22

there was an elderly person who gave Nabi SallAllahu, wasallam, a bunch of grapes. You're sitting amongst the sahaba. It took one grape, he ate it into the second grape, until he finished the whole bunch himself is so unlike him, and the man was happy, and he went away. So he told us about you might be surprised why I did that. He says, Well, when I took the first grape, it was bitter. I was afraid if you ate the grape, you might have shown your displeasure.

00:42:24--> 00:42:48

So EQ is important. And our children need to learn that need to know when to speak and when to be quiet. need to understand that there are times you express your opinions. The other times you do not express your opinion, there is only about you, it's about others around you. It teaches them self discipline, it makes them aware of the environment.

00:42:49--> 00:43:39

They also learn you can disagree, but you're never disagreeable. There is no place for rudeness. And that's a very, very critical thing. You know, I would encourage all of you to learn and to teach. And the best way is look at the example of Nabi SallAllahu, wasallam. Right. The other important thing that now to stop in our prefer to entertain some questions, is the fact that you have what do you have is what are called values. As a family sit down and see what values do we subscribe to, you could choose you could say for example, that we speak politely to each other. Right? We listen with empathy. All of us are hospitable to our guests.

00:43:40--> 00:43:43

Stuff like that that is relevant.

00:43:44--> 00:43:46

Now the important aspect is this.

00:43:49--> 00:43:51

I don't want you to be naive,

00:43:52--> 00:43:53

and think

00:43:54--> 00:43:55

that everything is going well.

00:43:57--> 00:44:00

Because Allah forbid, even your own child might surprise you.

00:44:02--> 00:44:08

Sometimes those thoughts are in the mind. They're incubated. And when they explicitly shocks you,

00:44:09--> 00:44:13

the worst thing for any parent is to have a defiant child.

00:44:15--> 00:44:17

And nothing can be more disturbing.

00:44:18--> 00:44:25

When you learn that your son and daughter are doing things and critical to Islam, and they are justifying it.

00:44:27--> 00:44:53

So, if you were to ask me, What five things you need to do, I would say the following. Number one, work with your spouse regarding your children. Number two, be you and your spouse need to be expressive of your love for each other. Start off on a new page. Thirdly, connect with your child. Allow them to speak what's in the heart.

00:44:55--> 00:45:00

Fourthly, to not be afraid to have difficult contact

00:45:00--> 00:45:15

Asians. In one study that was done, they asked 12 year old on a trauma this was now in the 80s. Ask them what topics you'd like mum and dad to speak about, in what they said. We like them to speak to us as to why

00:45:18--> 00:45:41

they pray, why should we pray, we need to speak about same sex relationships. We also want to know what's happening around the world. And they said, If mommy and daddy are going to a conflict, we should be the first ones to know that. So these are the kinds of topics so it's important to ask them that. Very, very important. And I'm saying this to

00:45:43--> 00:45:45

please do it now before it's too late.

00:45:48--> 00:45:52

Because I one of the things that I do is to bring families together.

00:45:54--> 00:45:55

You cannot believe

00:45:56--> 00:46:01

how some sons and some daughters what they say about the father and the mother.

00:46:05--> 00:46:06

I hate him.

00:46:07--> 00:46:13

I despise him. When I grew up, I don't want to be anywhere near like my father.

00:46:15--> 00:46:29

Right? So I'm saying this to you. And also very important, prayer is a very, very powerful thing, right? So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go through this AI you can use it, you can read it, I'm not going to discuss it

00:46:40--> 00:46:40

okay

00:46:43--> 00:46:59

with the marriage was very, very important. Your marriage is very, very critical. A happy marriage also inspires children. Right? Children want to see mom and dad happy. They don't want to see them fighting and all that right. Okay.

00:47:05--> 00:47:18

In a study that was done in America, they said the families that have even five meals a week together, the phone churn was stable. They were more receptive and they did well at school right.

00:47:23--> 00:47:24

You can do that.

00:47:26--> 00:47:27

Family dinners

00:47:35--> 00:47:44

Yeah, this is a very important thing, right? You know, the question to ask mothers especially, are you a housekeeper a homemaker?

00:47:45--> 00:47:46

Is the difference.

00:47:47--> 00:47:58

A homemaker has more this nurturing maternal qualities? Am I right or wrong? A housekeeper is concerned about the other aspects about cleanliness and what not right.

00:48:04--> 00:48:10

And it's good, you know, as a family, to have some rituals, you know, you can decide on those rituals.

00:48:12--> 00:48:15

Very important. Very, very important.

00:48:17--> 00:48:22

When you get upset, how many of y'all do get upset? Put your hands up?

00:48:24--> 00:48:32

You do when you get upset? Do you put a Karate outfit and all that? Hey, you do that Karate outfit? Right.

00:48:34--> 00:48:40

I was the emcee on Sunday at the reading up not and

00:48:41--> 00:48:43

the bridegroom

00:48:44--> 00:48:50

really came down to the helicopter by the way. Yes, love is in the air. So anyway, so so.

00:48:52--> 00:49:02

And on bended knee he, you know, I didn't because it was after a Nikka I don't think ask them what do you marry me? So he gave her the ring. So I said to him, you know,

00:49:04--> 00:49:15

I told my friends that you know, can you believe it? I had my wife on her knees. This is your wife on a nice impossible. How did that happen? I said no. I was hiding under the table.

00:49:18--> 00:49:20

Okay, yeah. So now I

00:49:23--> 00:49:51

know if I like these these a few points, but what I would say to you is this that printing requires said all your participation. There has to be love the right you know, you understand. You got to create them a love for Islam. You understand? Right? Okay, so just take any questions your nurse. If you're shy to speak about your husband, you must say I know of someone's husband.

00:49:52--> 00:49:59

If you shy to speak about your son says one son so one neighbor, whatever. us please refer to her. I can go on talking

00:50:02--> 00:50:03

My name will show you

00:50:05--> 00:50:07

any, did you find it beneficial?

00:50:08--> 00:50:09

Okay?

00:50:11--> 00:50:11

Yes,

00:50:13--> 00:50:13

yeah

00:50:32--> 00:50:49

is a place where children must love doing things that I slam it like reading Salah and all of those things, right? And, you know, I know there are people who think our kids should not go to university at all. In fact, I must tell you

00:50:50--> 00:51:37

that the home with a cell phone can sometimes be more destructive, then going out physically, right. And so I think it's in the end, it's about your own understanding of your daughter, and who our friends are, the kind of guidance you give them, you know, you understand. And if, for example, if you can have a relationship with them, when they are open with you, for example, one of the big mistakes we make, I remember a lesson that my metro pupils said, they'll never forget, some years ago, when I spoke about university life, you know, you know, I said to them about boys, not boys who do, I said, how are they asked me how I know I said, my friends.

00:51:39--> 00:52:17

You know, you know how boys are, though, you know, so I said to them, you know, and if someone approaches you and whatnot, and you're not inclined towards him, you must tell him, you know, if there is, you know, what you'd like my brother, again, will never come back to you. And you know, is you've got to talk about this, because remember, this is important, what I'm gonna share with you, you cannot insulate or isolate your child, but you can inoculate them. That's important. Sometimes in our busyness, we are doing things for them, but never with them.

00:52:19--> 00:52:37

That even when you drive to school with them, we do not have a conversation with them with not talk to them. And I found this when your children feel truly loved by you. For them to make a drastic step is nearly impossible.

00:52:38--> 00:53:20

Nearly I'm not saying impossible, nearly impossible, because they know the impact, you understand is going to have on you and the family. And also you see is about when you as a family love the deen of Islam. You practice it, your role models for them and others around them, you know, and we are living in very challenging times. Right? There was a time there was we did not have all the cell phones and computers and WhatsApp and all this stuff. Right? So it it is a decision that you got to think about carefully, you know, and I really believe if they have the capacity should not deny them that you know,

00:53:22--> 00:53:25

I know there might be flyers coming out but you know,

00:53:26--> 00:53:28

Okay, anyone else? Yes?

00:53:40--> 00:54:26

Okay, now, let me tell you, the most effective way of dealing with same sex issues is making sure that you as a wife, as a mother are playing the role of the mother and wife from the Islamic perspective. And the husband is playing his role. So when they grow up, there is no conflict in their mind, you understand? They see how you operate. And that's a very, very important thing. Very, very critical thing. Now in terms of conversation, right? You know, they have what you call a chronological age and psychologically, right? Some kids, some children may be age of 10. In fact, now they show in cartoons about those things, a very subtle way, right? And so you can speak about

00:54:26--> 00:54:59

in a positive way because Allah forbid, sometimes, you know, when you speak generally to all the kids, you might be creating curiosity also, right? So it's important to say talk about marriage, Islam or higher in all those things, why it is important, you know, and let them follow that those aspects, but as they grow older, you know, in the in the teams and everything else, and Andy, you'd be surprised they're aware of it. I know there was this kind of cartoon or whatever. Or the father says the site, he must have gone for a walk

00:55:00--> 00:55:14

up like this, you call the son said, Son, you becoming a big boy now, and I need to talk to you, you know, we need to have a conversation, you know about the world. So the young boy asked Daddy, what do you want to know?

00:55:15--> 00:55:40

What do you want to know? What the minds already you know, I mean, filled with all of those things, you know, and, and, and surrender your kids to Allah. You gotta connect with them. You know, they assume what happens to us life is become so frenetic. There's so many things happening around us, right. But we must not leave, we must make Islam a priority. And that's not I'm not talking about preaching the Islam is living that Islam also, you know?

00:55:42--> 00:55:46

How many of you are going to do things differently when you go home? Put your hands up?

00:55:47--> 00:55:54

Yeah, right. Right. Maybe you give your husband when he walks in my hug he might die of shock right.

00:55:55--> 00:56:03

Now, besides No really, in my DWIs with you know, because I deal with this and I know the pain that they go through it

00:56:08--> 00:56:18

No, no, no kids. No, no, no parents are different. Yeah, no, no ready, period. I still seen in some homes, up to today. Some homes,

00:56:19--> 00:57:08

even though they got five or six uncles, the relationship to those uncle's the advice the uncles give them, when they grew up with these young boys and girls are gonna get married, they go to the uncles for advice. It all depends on you. It all depends on you. And it's not about kids is about us. Otherwise, you're gonna have a victim mentality. Really. I remember growing up in perception. And so even if that in those days, there was a wedding in Durban, my uncle, my aunt and my first first cousin, and they would my father he was organized is seen this card, this people are going to go their car and whatnot. So and it is a wedding. They all sit together I say But daddy, he says

00:57:08--> 00:57:10

when you grew up, you'll understand that that's missing.

00:57:12--> 00:57:56

You understand? So the important thing is to ask the question, what do you want to do differently? So I want to end it off by saying to all of you, Allah bless you for coming in and share what you thought, in your own mind was something useful? The best way of learning is to teach others and my prayer is inshallah that your home is a sanctuary, a place that is safe, where children feel loved, they happy to be at home, you understand and also pray that your relationship with your spouse is strong, is strengthen that y'all are on the same page. And now I want to thank adient the very discerning they chose me to speak Alhamdulillah shukran As Salam aleikum, wa Rahmatullah.

00:58:11--> 00:58:48

Just Aquila, to allow parents who have attended for the most informative interactive session, it was actually a link to creating the home life balance that we discussed previously. There are some great take homes that Mr. Cammisa has given us and inshallah with all our prayers, Allah subhanaw taala will really assist us in making those changes to create a happy home and learners that are able to be equipped for the life out there. Just that Allah on behalf of the management if I can call Mr. And Sue to give Mr. camisa a token of appreciation just Aquila.