Home Sweet Home #3 Spouses and In-laws

Bilal Assad


Channel: Bilal Assad

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah.

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This evening, we will be talking about the third part of home sweet home. And we're going to talk about two main relationships, the rights duties, and relationships of spouses, married couples, and the in laws. How do we balance between all of this? And what does Islam say about it for us to have a harmonious living, and to make sure that our marriages last, and there is a strong bond between the husband and wife, and the children can grow up in a healthy environment and have less headaches around you? My brothers and sisters, let me begin by saying that marriage is an act of worship.

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When two people get married, it's not just love between two people. And it's not just needs. It is an act of worship. And Allah rewards for marriage. Like he rewards for other acts of worship.

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And marriage can be a pathway to paradise. But it is also a test. Everything in life is a test, but it's a good test. And it's one that Allah subhanaw taala loves and honors.

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At the same time, brothers and sisters Allah subhanaw taala gave us guidance of how to make sure that we live a beautiful life, the husband with his wife, the wife with her husband, and Allah encourages young people to get married the Prophet sallallahu wasallam encouraged young people to get married. He said, Yeah, Marsha Schubert, Minnesota. I mean, Ken Wilber at affiliate as always, our young men and young women, especially the men, whoever is able to afford to provide for a family for a wife and children. Then get married. In another verse, Allah subhana, Allah says II Hakuna Pokhara Allah says or enkephalin AMI Minco masala Hain I mean everybody come on in email income,

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support and help your single men and women to get married. The corner for Cara uranium, Allah humming fugly, if they are financially poor, Allah will assist them by providing that by providing them and supporting them. But of course, ALLAH is talking to the for the community and the parents to support their children to get married, when they're ready, and able to provide and mature enough brothers and sisters, Allah subhanaw taala loves marriage, and very quickly to the young people. Look Wallahi I know how hard it is, for young people these days, we have so many desires and temptations all around us. Whether it's on social media, on our, on our internet, on our phones, on

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TV, when we go to work or school, even on your ride to school, or to work or coming back home, or just walking, everywhere we go. The Temptations are tested every single minute. So it's hard. And in this day and age, we live in a hyper sexualized society.

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And the young people are finding it very hard marriages the late the society doesn't support it. And for Muslims, it becomes even four times harder. Number one, we tell them, You're not ready for marriage until you're a certain age. Number two, you're not allowed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Number three, you don't look at how wrong number four, we say to them that the only way is to fast. Number five, the temptations are all around them. Number six, in our culture, we make marriage very difficult financially, the process is so long, the conditions are so many SubhanAllah. And on top of that some parents make it even more difficult. They look at their own desires and

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their own

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needs. So they look as if the person that their daughter or son is going to marry it as if they're marrying them. So it's as if they own them. And they make it very difficult. Some of them say, let me make it harder. You can't make us think harder for someone else. Some of them they say I made a dot and Allah showed me that this girl or boy is not good for you. The these things are very selfish.

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And or some some parents believe that that's the way to go. But this is wrong. This is ignorance. This is not the way

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so the person has to make this the hardest person going to get married.

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And I'm going to tell the brothers and sisters that Islam is not the thing that made that makes it hard on you. Islam came to make marriage and relationships easy, and simple and straightforward and guide you. But it's society that makes it hard. There are people who earn billions of dollars off young people's sexuality and their bodies. The girls and the women are the product. And the boys and the men are their customers and a little bit of both. And what they've done is they've exploited our minds and young people's minds to make them think especially the girls that you know the meaning of Independence and the meaning of being a strong woman is to delay your marriage is to follow your

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Maria and the education as a priority, to love herself in the sense of do whatever you want, so long as you're happy, and even to hate men. Whereas in Islam, it tells you, you can pursue your career you can pursue your education and still love yourself, but change the priorities, your priority is your femininity. Your priority is, as Allah created Jr. Nature, don't look don't go past the motherhood, Don't devalue motherhood, Don't devalue being a wife Don't devalue relationships and partnerships. And only we hear a lot about some of our sisters as they get older. And they get affected by all this, they delay it until the close to menopause. And then we see now social media

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and articles where young, late when ladies come up, and they even non Muslims, they regret and they think I've lost my life. And I would have loved to be a mother early, and I would have loved to have a partner relationship. I want my children and also with men, it makes them hate the idea of marriage by giving them alternative.

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Inappropriate and haram,

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you know, images and things like that, so that the young man thinks then why why would I need a wife, I'll just serve my desires in that way. The hell with marriage, the hell with a woman coming in, you know, restricting my sexuality and restricting my desires and telling me what to do. And then, and then throwing me away to rock, you know, for some reason, in the society that we live in, is to be blamed to a teenager can have a relationship and have sex with another teenager.

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In the name of exploring, in the name of growing up, and sexuality has become superficial, young people, they find it hard to talk to their parents about marriage. So I invite parents and I encourage them to open the door to talk to your young sons and daughters about relationships in marriage.

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Enough of it being a taboo topic.

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I am sick, in my education field of hearing parents who attack us, as teachers, as Imams to stop us from talking about this topic to their young people. And then they come running to us when something goes wrong. I'm actually getting angry right now. But I'm going to calm myself down. Because these young people, I am concerned about them and they break my heart. My young sons and daughters, excuse me, if I called you that because I'm like your father's age, don't blame religion. And try to talk to your parents about this insha Allah. You know, when young people don't have this outlet to talk about their natural needs and desires when relationship well, they go and look for other outlets.

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And that is why we see some of our sisters are going on social media to decorate themselves and display themselves because she wants to see if she's sexually attractive. She wants to see if she's wanted and needed. She wants to see if she is desired.

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You know, she wants to talk to guys so that she can see if she is valued. She's, you know, still attractive and wanted. The guy wants to see another outlet since their parents and whoever around them don't give them that space. They go and explore their own. And where are they going to explore brother and sisters the world this society is open for them to teach about anything about sexuality, and it is void of morality and religion. Why don't you sit them down and you learn about it and teach them there is no taboo. There are over 3000 questions in the books of fiqa.

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Just about sexuality over 3000 Messiah, masala questions among the folk Aha, and we make it a taboo topic. They're still young, and we call them little kids No.

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In this society, we see that marriage is placed in the last thing to go for. And that's why there's a high rate of divorce. It's about the individual. It's about your needs and desires and wants that's about it.

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We're not addressing it at a young age.

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And in in this society, they tell you it's okay to have a boyfriend and girlfriend it's okay to sleep around. So long as there are two things there's consent. They say if a 14 year old and a 15 year old, both of them give consent. Yes. Okay.

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And then so do you use protection? That's it. What is this like going into an ice cream store and just trying all the different jewelry tastes what's going on with this? And they call them kids or they're just children, as if they're sitting in a sandpit in a building sand, sand castles together. When they're experimenting with the most dangerous part. There's heartbreaks, there's sexual assaults, there's rape, there's pregnancies, unwanted pregnancies, and then there's abortions as a result, teenagers getting abortions, along with STDs, there are over 30 different types of STIs and over 20 different types of STDs once the disease was in infection.

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And then they say use protection. It's like giving a little child a machine gun and says shoot wherever you want, but just don't point it to humans and animals. Seriously, it's a child is going to shoot everywhere and kill everyone. So but you're not allowed to get married. So brothers and sisters, I mean, look at Islam as a solution for you. And I plead to parents to

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put up this topic with their children, and stop making it a taboo topic help educate us Muslim schools don't stand in our way all the time. And at the same time children, try to open it up with any member of your family who is old enough who is willing to have an open mind to talk to you about it. Maybe your parents just don't know what to say. And I do encourage the parents to have an open conversation with Brennan sisters so that they can understand that they are valuable. They are adults at a young age, and to respect the idea of sexuality, marriage partnership, the need of having a partner and tell them this is very normal. It's okay. Don't say Oh, you're too small to

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talk about it. She's 13 For crying out loud. She's got desires, he's got desires. As a teacher, I'm telling you this from experience, brothers and sisters is what we see. Anyway, that's a whole topic as an introduction to spouses and marriage in a family. When we talk about these we are training them and preparing them for marriage and then their problems will be less inshallah.

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My brothers and sisters, spouses in Islam.

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When you get married,

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you are entering into what is called a covenant, a covenant. In the Quran, Allah calls me Falcon Khalifa. It is a promise and a sealed agreement between you and that person that you are marrying. The Quran calls it a firm covenant in chapter four, verse 21, meaning a firm covenant of fidelity, what is fidelity, fidelity is the opposite of infidelity, which means strict and continuing faithfulness to an obligation, trust, duty and loyalty to one another.

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Under Allah's Name, when you get married, you're doing it under Allah's name. Why under Allah's name, it means that it is under his authority, the boundaries he set between you and with his blessings. So now, the husband and wife in Islam get married under this contract and this agreement, of bond agreement of a promise and a covenant, a serious covenant, where you now have rights and duties towards each other. And you are there for each other, to build love each other, help each other, support each other, grow together, and raise those children as the generation which Allah has entrusted you with as a result of this covenant, but under allah, which means under Allah's

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guidance, which means both of you need to fear Allah, and I advise you before getting married, do and try to find a series or a course about

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the rights and duties of a married couple, before you enter

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and focus, if you're a man, focus on what your duty is towards the wife that you're going to marry.

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And if you're a sister, focus on the duties that you need to have towards your husband, as Islam says it and you're a woman at the time of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. She refused to get married. And her father went and complained to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Dr. Rasul Allah, my daughter is growing older, and she's refusing to marry. What should I do? He said, Bring her to me. Let me talk to her. When he spoke to her, he asked her why. And she said to me, rasool Allah, I refuse to get married until I know what Allah is going to ask me about my duties towards that man. What do I have to do? I need to know. I need to know what his rights are. She's not even asking

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about her own rights. Subhanallah why she's asking about what Allah is going to question her because she knows marriage is an act of worship. She fears Allah beautiful woman diverticula and when the Prophet sallallahu Sallam told her about the rights, she found herself not ready yet. She said the Rasul Allah, I'm not ready to fulfill that yet. I need to go back and think about this. So he said to her father, you can't force her. Leave her until she's ready. Subhanallah

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another woman came to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam said to him era Salah, the Hadith in Sahih Muslim, says Dr. Rasool Allah, my father forced me to marry this particular man. And I didn't want him.

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But I had no choice.

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So Rosa sallam said to her,

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it's up to you. Either you can stay with him, or if you want, I can divorce you from him.

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Do you say? And she replied, I'll accept my father's decision and stay with him. So it's an arranged marriage that was forced on her.

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But she said, I wanted the other women to know

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that in Islam, women have a right not to be forced into a marriage or their father marrying them off without her consent.

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Same with the boy, but more on the girl but in our culture, the culture of a lot of the people is that they kind of forced the girl a little bit more

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They think they own her. And the boy as well, I hear about a lot of these cases.

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One brother said to me, well, actually few brothers that I hear this from my friends who are old and they got daughters and sons. He had a group of brothers who were sitting together talking about this topic and they said,

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you know, Allah, if my son doesn't marry the girl that I choose for him, I will not accept. I said to him, how could you say such a thing? So dear? Islam tells because I know what's best for him. I go, Okay, and what if it didn't work out? And he got divorced? He is going to blame you

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said, Oh, no, I didn't think about it that way. So if you want harmony, you can only advise your daughter, advise your son, those they marry. If it doesn't work out, well, law, you're going to be the biggest enemy. So it's your fault. They'll never listen to you again. It might work. It might not. And I'm not saying that arranged marriages is forbidden in Islam, arranged marriage is halal in Islam. But the only condition about arranged marriages if you want to go on that path, there's several ways. But one of them if the culture says arranged marriages, the only condition about arranged marriages in Islam is that once it comes time to marry them, both the girl and the boy have

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a right 100% Right with no compulsion to say no, I don't want this marriage and appearance. It is incumbent upon them. It is compulsory upon them to listen to their children, if they don't want to marry them, they can try to convince them. But back off, back off Subhanallah and I just quoted for you the Hadith, which is a Muslim about the woman that said Yeah, Rasul Allah, I was pressured and forced into and I didn't want it. And he gave her the option of leaving the marriage.

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Subhanallah the opposite is true. I have stories of girls and boys, sisters and brothers, I do their marriage, as you know, I do a lot of marriages for people, there are people who get married. And then after that, a conflict arises, and the parents force them to get divorced. Why? Because they can't get along with their family or something. But the boy and girl want each other.

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Again, this is oppression pero. You cannot force your daughter and son to to divorce each other. Which is haram, Allah haram. It's a major sin

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SubhanAllah. So these are things I wanted to say, brothers, sisters, rights and duties between the husband and wife, how beautiful is our Sharia, that it drew a line between the dignity and rights of the husband, the dignity and the rights of the wife, the rights of the in laws, the rights of the children? And I want to start by saying, when we talk about rights and duties, listen carefully. Are you listening? When we talk about rights and duties? This is not what relationships are based on.

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You might ask me, What do you mean, then? Why are their rights and duties? Do you know when the rights and duties or maybe the rights rights do you know when the rights are talked about? Between a couple the rights or talk of that bell when there is conflict

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when there's conflict between them, and there's no solution. That's when the mediator or the judge or the family comes back and says okay, let's see what Islam says about your right and her right. That's the only time we go to rights. The other reason we have rights and obligations is so that you whether you're a husband or a wife, if there's conflict with the in laws and the family or your siblings, or whatever it is, you've got a basis, you've got a standard by which you can work with. So you know, this is the bottom line, this right is the bottom line. So you don't feel guilty. If you need to tell your mother for example, if you're the son, I need to tell your mother Mother, I

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love you, and I'm here for you no matter what. But this is a boundary which Allah subhanaw taala had written as a right for my wife, you can tell your wife, I love you, and You're everything to me. But this is the boundary that Allah had written for my mother, and so on. And she can tell her husband the same thing. So it's something to fall back on in the time of conflict. Otherwise, who's right and who's wrong? We'll just keep going in circles. So there is a standard and the standard that we take from his from WHO? Allah subhanaw taala why from Allah because he created the man and the woman and who knows best about the man and the woman, Allah. Jana, you don't go to a hairdresser. If

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you've got a heart problem, and you don't go to the cardiologist, if you've if you want to get a hairstyle. You go to each person according to their expertise. You go to the manufacturer of your car,

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because they know best. You go to a mechanic for your car, you don't go to a shoemaker, you don't go to a blacksmith, Allah who created the man and the woman knows best. And our morals they'll standards are based on Hamdulillah.

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So I'm happy they understood this. So what is marriage based on in Islam?

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It is based on my dear brothers and sisters

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on pace, tranquility, generosity, mercy, sincerity, giving more of your goodness to each other, giving more than the rights doing more than your obligations.

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Do doing what makes you love each other more? What is it that brings you closer? Do that

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relaxing your rights. When you relax your rights, you bring the person closer, they love you more.

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If I've got a problem with my brother over here, and I fall went my rights a little bit to establish the Brotherhood, he's going to love me more, unless he's a user. But then there's another solution for that too. But sorry if you're not a user, definitely

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Allah says in the Quran

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Well, I mean, D me and find out why not

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forsaken as well. Later school no lie.

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Watch Isla vein

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in Fiza, Anika

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call me.

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Allah says in surah room, verse 21. And one of His Signs is that he created for you your spouse's from your own kind, that you may find peace and comfort in them. And he has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this science for people who reflect, do you realize run the sisters, the words use the compassion, kindness, mercy, finding comfort and peace together, you cannot find comfort and peace. If your relationship is based only on black and white rules and rights and duties. That's what you do in court. That's what you do with your colleagues at work. That's how you treat someone who's into a business transaction with you. You base it on rights and

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responsibilities. So when you depart, there's no feelings between you there's no obligations other than that. But when it comes to a husband and wife and family, there are emotions involved. There's love involved, there's life involved. There's personalities involved. Having said that, brothers, sisters, the best type of relationships, the best type of relationships in the family, are the ones that are based on flexibility.

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Repeat after me, based on the Word is flexibility. Say it. I'm going to be flexible in sha Allah, you cannot have black and white relationships and sisters, you have to be flexible. Why do you have to be flexible, common sense. Any relationship that involves two people or more requires flexibility. Because your real your your relationship is with people

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who whose emotions go up and down. They've got different emotions, different personalities, different beliefs. Your father and mother, your wife, your children, your husband, your mother in law, your father in law, your brother in law and sister in law, your siblings.

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All of these people are different. All of them have different mood swings. You can't go black and white, you have to give and take you have to be flexible. Sometimes you have to sit down with your wife and husband, husband and wife together to re communicate and re manage how you're going to deal with certain members of your family. So long as the husband and wife are on the same page. So long as the husband wife are on the same page. And remember, in Islam, the Quran draws the importance of relationship

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in the following order, the closest ones together.

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The most loved beloved ones to you or your children. They come first. The second most closest is the husband and wife. You're thinking What about the mother? That's when you were single. But when you get married, that wife and his children are dependent only on you. Your mother is dependent on your father if he's still alive, your father, he's the peace he's already Allah has given us responsibility. You've got siblings, you've got relatives, they have their rights, but your wife and children

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the responsibility is on you. She left her family to be with you. You left your family to be with her. And now you've got these children. So let's talk about it.

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You need to focus on it then comes your mother and father, then your siblings.

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My brothers and sisters, Allah says in the Quran. Well, I actually wrote

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a rule to live with your wives in a good and fair manner. Surah Nisa, verse 19. The meaning of live with your wives in a good and fair manner has three meanings. Write them down, memorize them. What does is you don't wanna build models, live with them on goodness on that which is fair and good.

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three meanings, it means avoid harming each other.

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That's the first meaning of living in goodness, meaning, avoid harming each other physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, and intimately. Number two, exert kindness. Kindness, kindness means that when somebody when it's not your duty, that you do it. It's called kindness.

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And also I said and described the believer. He said, Men, okay, you Psalm 14, sorry, men are all for him. A movement is easygoing, kind and merciful. Rasulillah Salam said Earhart motorhome give mercy, you'll be given mercy. Les seminoma la mayor hum is not one of us not not an example of Muslims, whoever does not give mercy. So you have to have mercy with each other. And number three, not delaying or neglecting obligations. So now we've got three meanings for living with them in good manners. Number one, avoid harming them. Number two, kindness. Number three, not delaying or neglecting your obligations. That's what living with them been marked off as Allah ordered. My

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brothers and sisters.

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So why did Islam establish rights as we said before I explained that

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it also tells you that the rights to know yourself when you're sinful, by disobeying a certain person of your family, and when you're not sinful.

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Some brothers when they get married, they don't know how to differentiate between when they're running their mother and running their wife, or running or a sister does know when she's running her father and running her husband? How does she draw the line? How does she work with it, knowing the rights, your rights, their rights, your boundaries, their boundaries, ensures that you know where you stand and where they stand. Correct. So you don't feel that you're disobeying your parents. Because if when you don't know it, I've seen this happen. This is this leads up to divorce, hell, and hatred. For example, when the husband doesn't know how to separate the rights of his mother and

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the rights of his wife,

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he becomes into a conflict. And he loses his manhood and masculinity in front of his wife, she cannot rely on him. And she feels that she's alone. Because the wife, what does she want, she wants her husband who was confident, can make decisions on his own. She wants a husband that there's no one externally who's making him decide his family matters. The worst thing for a woman is to know that his mother or his father or his brother, or his sister, dictating how he should run his life.

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And same with the husband, the worst for him is to hear about his wife, that everything her mother tells her, or her father tells her about their relationship, she comes and gives him a headache about it. He may see that living together at a particular place is better for their family. But she says no, my mother needs me here, I've got to stay here and she's got many siblings, and you find the husband going through strife, for example. Whatever the reason, So brothers and sisters, knowing that at some locations knows how to how to separate and in separation like that Wallahi it's actually better for everybody, it's better for your parents. And for you. We're going to explain a

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little bit about that.

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Now, brothers and sisters, I'm going to explain the duties and the rights anyway, so that you know what the minimum standards are. But remember, what did we say?

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These are just in times of

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conflict, that's all. Otherwise you should be generous. That's how love grows, love will not grow just from rights and responsibilities.

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So when I talk about the duties of a husband, and the duties of a wife, I want you to know that automatically, if the husband does his duty as Allah commanded him, the wife does her duty as Allah commanded her automatically, automatically, the other person's rights are also met. If the husband does his duty towards his wife, it means her rights are met. The wife does a duty towards the hasn't means the husband's rights permit. That's how the Sharia has perfectly put it together, Michelle, will law who we are blessed with the law of Allah subhanaw taala. That if you do your duty, they do the right summit automatically.

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In Islamic Sharia, the rights and duties between husband and wife, I want you to remember this word. They are not equal. They are not the same. There's another word for it in Islam. It is called counter balanced.

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What is it?

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counter balanced?

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The rights are in accordance with the way Allah created them and what he knows is best befitting for them, for what purpose for them to live a better life.

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When you go against your nature, that's when your stresses rise. That's when conflicts happen. A man has a nature, a woman has a nature. And there are things that are mutual between them. When you want to go against that nature, your your, your feminine nature, your masculine nature. That's when conflict starts to happen. Big conflicts naturally, no matter what the society and movements tell you. So they are counterbalanced, meaning if one has a certain right over the other, the other has a counter right against the other

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in equal balance.

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They are divided according to the way Allah deems fair and appropriate between them to ensure a healthy and harmonious family and to raise their children in a healthy way, in their best interest. At the end of the day, it's about the best interest of your children. And if you don't know who you are, where you stand, your children will be last. However, the husband in Islam, the husband has only one degree of responsibility over the wife. One, if you were to count all the rights and duties the husband or the rights and duties of the wife in Islam, you will find that they are absolutely equal in number. Not all the same, but equal in number. And then the father, the husband has one

00:31:23--> 00:31:29

extra degree of responsibility. One, let's have a look at this one extra degree.

00:31:30--> 00:31:33

It is called in the Quran, I'll call wham.

00:31:35--> 00:31:41

O Coahoma means simply the leader, the leader of his house, the protector,

00:31:42--> 00:31:44

and the maintainer,

00:31:45--> 00:31:50

leader, protector, and maintainer and Subhanallah women in their nature.

00:31:52--> 00:31:57

You find that they react to that when there's conflict, they say you're meant to be the leader.

00:31:58--> 00:32:00

You know, you're supposed to lead us

00:32:01--> 00:32:06

you're not a man where you're supposed to protect us. You're not a man you're supposed to spend on us.

00:32:08--> 00:32:30

Even non Muslim women do that in the courts. We see it all the time. I've been to the courts. So many times I've seen it, most of them are nonetheless their nature. And Allah said yes, that is your right. So Allah made the man in that position because Allah knows he created the man to be more befitting, for that position, then the wife more befitting, why?

00:32:31--> 00:32:35

Because the wife has other duties which the man doesn't have, such as pregnancy.

00:32:38--> 00:32:38


00:32:39--> 00:32:45

breastfeeding, raising the child from at least zero to eight years old, it needs the mother more.

00:32:46--> 00:33:18

in that meantime, the responsibility of leadership protection and maintenance on the men. Having said that, brothers sisters, it necessitates that now the man has one extra right? Why does he have that extra right? Not because of superiority there is nothing in the Quran, Allah says men and women are equal to Allah. In fact, a wife can be highly more superior than her husband in the eyes of Allah subhanaw taala. Look, for example, for example, in Surah Hareem, Allah gives the example of the wife of Pharaoh, Persia

00:33:19--> 00:33:21

are the Allahu Allah, the wife of Pharaoh.

00:33:23--> 00:33:39

She followed Moses, and Pharaoh is an enemy of Allah. But asiyah His wife, was a woman of righteousness among the four perfect women of the time, whose Pharaoh nothing. So Allah does not make a man superior to woman or woman superior to the men.

00:33:42--> 00:33:44

Other than at all.

00:33:45--> 00:34:28

But the right that the man has over his wife is a rite of responsibility, which means the wife needs to help him by following him in that way, helping him your god mighty sister is to help your husband, help him, motivate him and help him to feel confident about himself, to be your leader, to be your maintainer and to be your protector. If you stand in his way, you break him and we break the family to you worry about your duties and your motherhood. Focus on those children. That's where your power is SubhanAllah. And that is why this was I said, I'm said your mother, your mother, your mother than your father. So everything is balanced, everything is balanced.

00:34:29--> 00:34:46

My brothers and sisters, what does it mean? Also, it means it's a responsibility to make sure that his wife and children are protected, provided for decisions he makes are in their best interest and he needs to work with his wife in good treatment and value.

00:34:47--> 00:34:55

When Allah made the husband, the leader protect the maintainer. It does not give him the right to act as a dictator. Allah did not say you're a dictator.

00:34:56--> 00:34:59

Allah did not say you're a boss. Allah did not say you own them.

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

Allah did not say that Allah said, live with them on goodness and fairness.

00:35:06--> 00:35:13

That's what Allah said, and not to abuse. That right that Allah gave you turning it into a power of control.

00:35:15--> 00:35:28

That's a major sin. That's oppression. Allah gave you that wife to look after her. And you abuse that Right? Which Allah gave you as a responsibility and you turn that into control, Allah is going to punish that men.

00:35:30--> 00:35:41

All right, Allah says in the Quran, who Allah Hoon Namath no NaVi, in roof, one eerie journey.

00:35:43--> 00:35:47

Raja will love lies ease when hacking.

00:35:49--> 00:36:23

In chapter two, verse two to five women have rights similar to those of men equitably, or fair manner. Although men have a degree of responsibility above them, and Allah is almighty, all wise, because these words Almighty, meaning the husband is not Almighty. Allah is the Almighty, meaning he is working under God under the Almighty. So Almighty is for the man to remind him, you I did not give you this responsibility as a superiority you are not almighty, I am Almighty

00:36:25--> 00:36:46

and for the wife to know that this husband of yours, Allah did not give him that as an almighty person over you know that your Lord is the Almighty. And the second part or wise is to let the wife know as well. That Allah has made him like that as for a wisdom that is in your best interest. But of course the husband has to obey Allah and fear Allah in

00:36:47--> 00:36:49

my brothers and sisters moving on.

00:36:50--> 00:37:06

First, before I talk about the rights and responsibilities, I want to talk about four things a wife loves in her husband. And four things a husband loves in a wife. I think there's more. But I'm just going to say these four if you can do them,

00:37:08--> 00:37:38

masha Allah, you will have a beautiful life enjoyable one with your spouse in every way, inshallah. So four things a wife loves in her husband, these are not from me. I've done lots of research in this area long years from experts and Muslim judges who talked about it. This is decades of research, I'll just summarizing for you. You know, putting it on the plate for you in Shell. Number one. The fourth thing is a wife loves in her husband. They said she loves when he defends her, protects her and supports her.

00:37:40--> 00:38:10

My wife loves to see that in her husband. Even if she doesn't admit it. She likes it. Her husband who defends her protector and supports number two, he listens to her, listens to when listens to her meaning that doesn't mean he has to obey, everything listens, as long as she listens. He listens to her emotions, he listens to her words and listens to and he's patient with listening. And he talks to her. So you're on a brother's when your wife is listening, when you're listening to your wife. Throw in another word whenever you get a break to show her that you have been listening

00:38:11--> 00:38:55

Wallahi think about yourself. When when when somebody listens to what you're saying. And then they say so. So this is what you said, you feel special, that they actually gave value to your words, even if they disagree they gave value to your words. Think about that. Number three, she loves her husband to be tender physic to give her tender physical touches. And he liked this little hug. kiss on the forehead. Tender physical men. Did you hear what I said? Don't think too far. You gotta go tender, physical touches and be gentle. As a general thing. Number four, he complements her and shows her interest. He complements her and shows her that he's interested in her.

00:38:56--> 00:39:35

The newness goes away after six months, one year, you guys are gonna be a little bit bored of that. No, you gotta keep going and shall renew it try other ways. Number five makes her feel secure and safe, that he will not leave her and look for another woman. This is the biggest fear women have Muslim and non Muslim that their husbands going to betray them. And I think that's the reason which is wrong. Why Some women think that they tell each other this I've heard I know the insides and outs of these now we hear stuff and they say to each other a don't show him that you love him too much. Because he'll leave you these men that look other way but keep them on edge. This is wrong brothers

00:39:35--> 00:39:47

sisters. Now we go to the four things a husband loves in his wife. Number one on top of the list. There is nothing more important than this number one sisters respect.

00:39:48--> 00:39:53

Now, you might say but what about me I need to respect to Yes. The respect we're talking about with the men is a little bit different.

00:39:54--> 00:39:59

It's a little bit stronger. It's a little bit more serious. What are we talking about respect here?

00:40:00--> 00:40:05

respect his leadership, respect that he's your protector, respect that he's your provider.

00:40:06--> 00:40:08

The duty which Allah gave him that one extra degree.

00:40:10--> 00:40:26

respect that. Don't put him down. Don't say Look at, look at your brother. Look at those other guys. They buy this enough for their wives, you're nothing. You're a stingy person, among other words, you're a lazy, fat, obnoxious blah blah blah.

00:40:28--> 00:40:57

You never, never, never really never come on at least one out of 1000 Never, always you always, never always take it easy. At the same time men just let it go. Don't don't hold on to those words. That's how women are they like to express. That's fine. But sister Respect, respect his fact that he is the leader of the House, the protector and the maintain. I think sisters understand this in their nature. Number two, the man likes

00:40:58--> 00:41:00

his wife to look good for him.

00:41:02--> 00:41:03

He likes his wife to look good.

00:41:04--> 00:41:14

For him. This creates a bond in your relationship. The biggest thing a man hates is when a wife looks bad for him at home and looks good for everyone else outside.

00:41:15--> 00:41:23

She looks amazing outside. And then he starts thinking the shaitan comes to him sisters and he says to the men. Look at her she's not really there for you. What did you get married for?

00:41:24--> 00:41:58

When she's outside, everyone enjoys the way she looks when she's inside. You don't get to enjoy the way she looks. And that's when he starts looking elsewhere. So this is an ibis are the Allahu Anhu. He used to say, when he used to when people visited him, he would open a door and he would look really nice, more better than outside. And they said to him, what do you do they have not best he says in a hippo. And as a analysts OSHA they come at come at in new headquarters and an associate they come at it as a annually. I like to look good for my wife as she looks good for me.

00:41:59--> 00:42:01

So that's very important. Number four,

00:42:03--> 00:42:21

shows confidence in him and his abilities. So the sister appreciate his efforts. She appreciate his help. She appreciates his tiredness. I said this last time that randomly say to your husband, out of the blue once every week, once every two weeks, once every three weeks, once every month.

00:42:22--> 00:42:53

I appreciate your effort. Well, I couldn't do it without you. Subhanallah the stuff that you're doing, say he's your husband say it well, Allah He you will pump him up. And he makes him amazing. Your words go a long way. Don't get stingy with words. He's your husband. For a man. It means a lot. I'm telling you, it means a lot. Number four, she speaks well of him to her family. And his family. She doesn't go to a mum and dad and says, and then he's he's this and he's or that and complains night and day dad dad?

00:42:55--> 00:43:00

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you will make your life hell, not from him from your family.

00:43:01--> 00:43:21

Every time you get along with your husband, you go back what you did, he doesn't deserve it. And your sisters play a role. Your brother's prior role your father, mother by your cousin's player up here, suddenly everybody's involved in your life. Why? Because you let it out. You went and told them same with the husbands. And lastly, physical touches. Men love physical touches from their wife.

00:43:24--> 00:43:59

So what makes a woman unattractive to her husband, when she has masculine traits. If a wife always gets angry and full of tension, a man does not see a feminine woman in front of him. Number two, she shouts all the time. Number three, she jumps to take leadership over her husband's duties or his actions. He's doing something even even let's say he changed the nappy. And this is you know, like mothers do this better. But let's say he changes the nappy. So she just jumps in, takes it off says let me do it. But she does it in no way. Like as if he doesn't let him do it. She goes to mow the lawn without

00:44:00--> 00:44:10

anything, don't jump to take leadership even if you know how to do it better. Leave him alone. He hates that this is a masculine trait that he looks at you with. Instead of saying Give that to me. I'll do it.

00:44:11--> 00:44:15

Make you make appointments. On behalf of him.

00:44:16--> 00:44:21

You make decisions for the family without consulting him you set up activities without discussing it with him.

00:44:23--> 00:44:40

You set them up anyway even if he disagrees. These are all masculine traits in a family that the husband hates. And lastly, a loud voice if you're constantly loud, you're loud voice to woman, the man doesn't get attracted to them. So what makes a man unattractive to his wife? Everything now I'm joking.

00:44:42--> 00:44:46

I'll say at least five things. What makes a man and attracted

00:44:47--> 00:44:52

a man an attractive to his wife is the opposite. When he's got feminine traits.

00:44:54--> 00:44:55

She didn't marry a woman.

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So Allah says you support each other's needs. So for example, he has a weak purse

00:45:00--> 00:45:19

finality and lack of confidence. Number two, we said it before he cannot make his own decisions. He listens to his parents and siblings in his about his family decisions. He constantly lies one of the worst thing women hate is a constant liar. But I want to ask the sisters a question What if sometimes he told you the absolute brutal, brutal truth you could like it. So maybe,

00:45:21--> 00:45:23

maybe let go of a couple of white lies, I think

00:45:25--> 00:45:39

another one is stinginess. She hates a stingy man who doesn't like to spend on his family and lastly, violence and degrading her. Once a man is violent and degrading of his of his wife, that's it, she, she she makes

00:45:40--> 00:45:42

she formulates an opinion about him.

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And that's how you know all sorts of bad things happen. Let's look now at the rights number one, there are mutual rights. Number two, there are women's rights. Number three, there are men's rights and then the in laws, I'm going to go through them quickly. The mutual rights

00:45:57--> 00:46:08

the mutual rights are about 70 or 80%. Both men husband and wife have this towards each other, the first one good treatment to each other and intimacy.

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So according to each, each other's needs physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally and sexually. Allah subhanaw taala says live with your wives in a good and fair manner and wives live with them in a good and fair manner. Number two

00:46:25--> 00:46:42

Rasul Allah alayhi wa sallam told us to be be be tender and gentle with our wives and the wife to also think of her husband's as I said before his efforts and so on and to thank him for the Prophet sallallahu wasallam

00:46:44--> 00:46:55

used to share with his wife how she eats. So for example, she said one day I was eating a bone, a bit of meat on a bone, because eating it from one side,

00:46:56--> 00:47:05

then also Salah Salem took it from me. And he ate from exactly the place that I was eating deliberately to show that he loves her and how tender

00:47:07--> 00:47:15

even when his wife was menstruating, he still was intimate with her in other ways to show her she is not dirty, she's not impure.

00:47:17--> 00:47:21

And he used to race with her and it was also SLM once

00:47:23--> 00:47:29

a plate of food entered I think I've said it before and he broke and he was tender with him, the plate of food broke on the floor.

00:47:30--> 00:47:57

So one of his wives brought in, she sent with her servant, a plate of food to the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when he was with his other wife. And Anna's the young man he was sitting there, and he says the prompts are seldom his wife, Mother of the Believers she got jealous. So she hit the servants hand, and the plate of food fell on the ground, the plate broke, and the food went on the floor.

00:48:00--> 00:48:00


00:48:02--> 00:48:32

also our salon comes up, he's a bit embarrassed in front of the guests and what she did, but he said nothing to Aisha for the lawn. He leaned down, he picked up the broken glass of the or whatever it is on the plate, put the food in another plate. And then he said to Anasazi Allahu Anhu in Macomb Tahoe, your mother, she gets jealous a lot. That's it. And he was smiling. He took the actually he wasn't smiling as he wanted her to learn. He took

00:48:33--> 00:49:01

a good plate from her house and sent it back to his other wife. And that was over and done with he didn't make a drama out of it. This could have been world war three. But Ross also asylum, he reduced it you can make pebbles out of mountains or mountains out of pebbles. Number two, being safe around each other. The husband and wife must feel safe around each other to communicate physically, emotionally, mentally, intimately.

00:49:04--> 00:49:06

They must safeguard each other's dignity and honor.

00:49:08--> 00:49:10

Your dignity and your honor, you must safeguard

00:49:11--> 00:49:13

respect personal property.

00:49:14--> 00:49:23

It is not permitted for a husband or a wife to spy on each other's personal devices without permission. Unless in the beginning you have a mutual agreement.

00:49:25--> 00:49:30

And obviously, the more transparency there is the better. But in general, you don't

00:49:31--> 00:49:35

number unless unless a husband

00:49:36--> 00:49:51

has a well founded reason to suspect his wife have some kind of betrayal or have a perceived harm after he saw signs that's going to come to his family or his wife.

00:49:52--> 00:49:57

He can spy to protect the family. Can the wife do that? Yes.

00:49:58--> 00:50:00

But the condition

00:50:00--> 00:50:12

is under very strict measures. When truly and honestly, you have rationally seen signs that are a danger to your family or betrayal.

00:50:13--> 00:50:26

And even then I say, don't go to the devices because a person can hide stuff can use another phone. So it's not really wise. What's the alternative? Talk? Tell her tell him I suspect this this is what I'm thinking seeing.

00:50:27--> 00:50:35

At the end, maybe things will change. Or maybe in sha Allah if you're doubting Gronk it'll go away but never spy because you have paranoia

00:50:36--> 00:50:47

is a difference. Husband I'm paranoid about his wife, wife. I'm paranoid about husband this suspicion of haram Dena was ALLAH Samantha says danubia Linden Amrish Danny boo cathedra min of one avoid much suspicion,

00:50:49--> 00:50:53

suspicion, a rational suspicion is a sin. Number

00:50:54--> 00:50:57

three, to maintain their family ties.

00:50:58--> 00:51:00

A husband and wife when they get married.

00:51:02--> 00:51:23

The husband is not allowed to put a rule. She's no longer allowed to see her family. They're not allowed to come to his house. A wife cannot put and restrict his freedom to see his family and to cut off ties. And if they if he orders her that way, she has a right to disobey Him and there is no sin upon him. Because this is haram

00:51:24--> 00:51:26

and they have a right to their friends.

00:51:28--> 00:51:34

A husband because he got married doesn't lose his friend's wife gets married doesn't lose her friends. Can you imagine that?

00:51:36--> 00:51:43

And we mentioned last week that I saw Salah Salem he honored the Friends of Hadith of the Allah Juan Khadija Donna had passed away

00:51:44--> 00:52:06

from Salah Salem was seen by Aisha Alana, talking to an elderly woman and smiling. He was enjoying his time she was over 70 She said to him mental collage Luzia rasool Allah who is that old woman emphasizing she's old era swell Allah, messenger of Allah he says she's just a friend of Rhodesia. So the Allahu Allah she says, I never got jealous of any woman except Khadija even after her death.

00:52:07--> 00:52:18

And then, and then he said we were remembering the good old days. That made it even worse. I should have done it says LMU de la Kola Mina did but didn't Allah give you someone better than her like me?

00:52:20--> 00:52:23

And of course I'll send them said love Allah. Now will line

00:52:25--> 00:52:34

she supported me when everyone else left me she believed me when everyone said I was a liar. She gave me her home when I was homeless. And Allah gave me children have

00:52:35--> 00:52:41

no Allah He let me have dinner Allah did not give me a better wife. And she said from that day, I never said a single word about her. These are the long run.

00:52:43--> 00:52:45

Now we come to the rights of the wife.

00:52:46--> 00:52:50

The rights of the wife. We'll start with the financial ones.

00:52:51--> 00:52:55

The wife has three financial rights.

00:52:57--> 00:53:03

Okay, so let's count for four financial rights. The first write is called the murderer.

00:53:04--> 00:53:51

The diary at the time of marriage. The second one is the day to day living expenses, food, drink, clothing, security, medical expenses, transport for her needs, hygiene products, and a difference of opinion but I follow the valid view of the Juris which is the majority. Her beauty products, so long as she uses her beauty products for her home. Can imagine he buys a beauty products and she uses them everywhere accepting except for her home. No, no, don't do that. Number three, her housing. She has a right to her own independence, separate housing and dwelling accommodation to his parents or anyone else with all of its amenities. This is her right. Sometimes when I do marriages, they asked

00:53:51--> 00:54:23

me to write that as a condition. And I get surprised Wallahi that Muslims still until now 1400 years, we still don't know that the wife has a right to her dwelling. We still think that we have to obey our parents in when we get married. We have to live with them according to their command. And if we leave the DUA will get us law. No, your parents are in the wrong. They're in the haram for doing that and you leaving if they even if they get upset. Allah will reward you for giving your wife her right. This is a hug.

00:54:24--> 00:54:41

That's that's like your parents live. Now if she agrees to live with your parents, and she's okay with that. hamdulillah May Allah Rewarder that's a charity, but things can go really wrong brothers. I advise you and many scholars advise don't live with your parents unless it is a dire need.

00:54:43--> 00:54:57

Try to get out of there because what Allah had the amount of conflicts I have seen. It starts off all nice. And then it turns out like they are you know what they're like, it's like, it's like, I don't know, like the way you choose your muscles fight.

00:54:59--> 00:55:00

Just like

00:55:00--> 00:55:02

Like that hurt Gog and Magog like that

00:55:04--> 00:55:25

what happened to the love? So my advice to your ancestors, get your dwelling and be separate and then leave to close even. Trust me. There's a beautiful rule I heard. Well loads excellent by the experts they said is one husband said to his wife in relation to the inlaws and his own parents. He said, Don't cut them off completely.

00:55:28--> 00:55:37

But don't be clingy. So don't be clingy. But don't cut off. Somewhere in between. That's a very healthy relationship.

00:55:39--> 00:55:44

And let's go through them very quickly and Mahara. Allah says we're doing this

00:55:49--> 00:55:49

for a

00:55:51--> 00:55:51


00:55:53--> 00:55:54


00:55:55--> 00:56:17

wouldn't have said, fact Oh, no, * no, no her knee. I'm Eddie Sutton, Nisa, verse four. Give women their bridal Jew in good cheer, in good cheer, considering it a duty, but if they willingly remit any part of it, consume it with good pleasure.

00:56:19--> 00:56:22

My brothers and sisters, this is the mother of the wife.

00:56:24--> 00:56:43

And a lot of non Muslims don't understand this. They think that we're buying the woman. This is not a price for the woman when you get married. It's called a Maha or Sadat It is a symbol of your honesty. It's a symbol that you are going to care for her. It's a symbol that she has a right to her property. It means that it's something that the bride, she requests it she tells her dad that

00:56:45--> 00:56:48

he recommends something says that I want jewelry.

00:56:49--> 00:56:55

As a bridal gift. Oh, she says, I want him to pay for my tuition fees.

00:56:57--> 00:57:20

My university or that? I want a house trip. Or father. I want him. In Uganda. My friends said that they that the amount is usually a chicken or a goat or a cow. I remember my one of my friends is back in Uganda, he said it said the woman's dairy was a rooster. And two eggs.

00:57:21--> 00:57:54

Could have been for exactly two eggs and a rooster. And Wallahi the day came and the rooster and eggs went there. And a woman refused to say yes to the marriages. I want my rooster and eggs right now. Wallahi they say they went walking. It's there's no cause and then they went maybe an hour later got the rooster. I wrote it in with the eggs says there's Yamaha. She said okay, now I agree. And she made lots of money out of that rooster. She made lots of money. So the thing is that it doesn't matter. The matter can be anything that the wife wants and demands. It can be a lot.

00:57:55--> 00:57:56

It can be a little bit.

00:57:58--> 00:58:13

But the advice that the Prophet SAW Selim gave is take it easy. Don't make marriage difficult. Don't ask for big mothers. Some of them 100,000 $200,000 might me my culture from the village. 100,000 is minimum.

00:58:17--> 00:58:20

I say with a blip is this guy gonna get all this money from?

00:58:21--> 00:58:32

He'll never get married. One brother said to me, it's 150 I gotta give I gotta go find another person. Don't worry about it. But I love I got to step on your heart and move away, man. What do you want to be in living in hell come and get out of here.

00:58:34--> 00:59:02

There's also some cultures which do immediate and defer. They say give about, you know, maybe $10,000 worth of jewelry. And by the furniture in my Lebanese culture, we do that. And then they say there's a deferred amount meaning upon divorce or death. You give her the rest. Even though that's not really from Islamic ruling. It's allowed. But the point is, it's always owing to her. So make it make Islam and make marriage easy.

00:59:03--> 00:59:13

If she forgives it, fine, then it's gone. Oh, she remits it. It's okay. As it says in the Quran. My brothers and sisters. So that's the mother.

00:59:15--> 00:59:22

The second one is living expenses. Allah says, Well, I remember one data hoarding school. I don't know I guess what?

00:59:26--> 00:59:59

Al Baqarah 233. He says it is incumbent upon him who has gotten the child to provide them the divorced women, their sustenance and clothing in a fair manner. Now this is in relation to divorce, that Allah Subhana Allah says, Don't neglect her. And if she's breastfeeding a child, you gotta give her money also, you've got to spend on and spend on your child. So if you're divorced, too many has to still provide then for a married woman is even more important, isn't it? And what I mean by more important is because she's got no one but him. a divorced woman can get remarried, in other words, or her family can provide it. So it is

01:00:00--> 01:00:03

husband and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam

01:00:04--> 01:00:17

he said upon the men is to provide them, to clothe them, and to give them Bill maruf Bill Maher roof means according to the community that they live in like the rest of her women like her

01:00:18--> 01:00:30

and to feed and to all that stuff, baby for woman wants to feed herself a woman wants to work and provide herself Yes, she can. It's not a problem. Someone is a highland job insha Allah and her husband doesn't need her in the house.

01:00:32--> 01:00:40

That's another issue that people have these days. But inshallah one day we'll talk about it. Hynd, who was the wife of Abu Sufyan

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when they converted to Islam, she said yeah, Rasul Allah, I will Sophia and is very stingy. He doesn't give me and provide me. So he said to her, if you are able to quietly go to his pocket and take what you need, then take it. So woman, women asked if my husband doesn't provide me the needs, can I go and take we say, yes, you can, according to the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu salam to hint, take what you need. What you will not want. I said need

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you some sisters say I need

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I need a Porsche. That's what I need. That's a want. So what you need are your livelihood your life Minister, the ones that we mentioned before?

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How much is the minimum? Well, daily necessities known to the community they live in. And relative to each man's affordability.

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And there are three levels, a wealthy upper bracket, middle bracket and lower bracket. So sisters take it easy on your husband, if you want the love to increase between you help him

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and what is not not obligatory upon him is supplementary things like a mobile phone or electronic devices or holiday.

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Right? She needs a car he gets her a nice Toyota Corolla and her she wants the

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muscle and the Merc know

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and within his measure, and these things are not obligatory, but if he does, the love will increase Inshallah, of course it's not materialistic, but it shows your generosity. When is the husband stingy? A husband is stingy. Because I hear some sisters. They say my husband is stingy. By when we when I talk to them, I find that he's not stingy.

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Watch stinginess means when the husband does not spend on his obligations.

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What she means is that he's not extra generous. That's not called stingy.

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Sometimes the husband likes to manage the money. She's always stingy in his managing it because he's looking after your affairs. What does the Quran say? Be generous, give beyond your obligations. And the prophets of Allah, Allah wa salam, he said this, the best type of spending that you do is upon your family. So be generous. Allah says, live with them on good terms, or leave them with generosity like even if you leave them in divorce, be generous to them. Finally, brothers, sisters are independent housing and dwelling. I already addressed that. So she has a right to that. What about the fourth thing is a personal wealth, the husband has no right to personal wealth without a

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permission, he has no right to tell her where to spend it, where to donate it, what to do with it.

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So this is known and established in the hadith of barrio Muslim prasar. Salam saw, Oh, mama, his wife, and she said to me out of Salalah, I donated my wealth into such and such. And he said to her head, you donate it towards your uncles and aunts, you would get more rewards, the reward of kingship and the reward of donation. This shows us that he has no say on her money, and at the same time is just advising her and that she can donate without his permission. So you see, taking a little break. Brothers and sisters, money management between spouses. The beauty of the Sharia is that it gave each one a financial autonomy to both husband and wife separately, but it encouraged

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helping each other so that you can grow through Melinda through love. The first option is to help each other and share your wealth when especially when the husband is in difficult times.

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Each can have a separate account if it doesn't work, or the wife can lend her husband the money. For example, there was a divorced couple.

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And his wife asked for all the money she spent on the family saying it was his duty. So she used to spend and help him then when they got divorced. She said, I want it all back. I said why? She said because it was his duty to spend so I want it back. So my question was, did you give it to him out of goodwill? Or did you have agreement and agreement with him that you're lending it to him? Said No, there's no agreement that I lent him

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But he says Judas said no, no, that's not how it works. You helped him. Didn't you do for the sake of Allah, you can't request it back. Another divorced couple told me, the husband actually this time, he said, I want all the jewelry back and all the holidays which I spent on her, because it was not my duty to spend on her jewelry and holiday. So I want them back. I said Subhanallah was it a gift from you?

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Or was it an agreement that you lent her? said no, it was from me Of course as a husband as I'm a good husband. So then while you're not a good husband asking you for it back.

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So there's no such thing brothers sisters, what are you talking about? Finally, the husbands rights number one, the wife has to follow her husband and obey Him.

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But Allah says obey him Bill model

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reasonably meaning any any family has to have a leader. Animals have a leader. industries have a leader businesses have a leader, the workforce as a leader, a government has a leader without a leader, there cannot be harmony. So Allah subhanaw taala the process and said, there is no obedience in that which is sinful. But obedience is that which is good and halal.

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And Allah says assist one another.

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Secondly, not to allow into her house anyone who deems not good for his family. I know this might sound a little bit harsh, but it means that the husband if he sees that there is harm to his family, by allowing certain people, she has to respect that and say I can't, I'm not going to let them in. Number three, intimacy is more stressed for the husband. And I said that across many different studies and measures men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women. But this is not our topic today. Number four, God his wealth and property and number five, God her chastity in his absence, my brothers and sisters, and now we'll talk about the in laws in

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about 10 minutes maximum will stop inshallah.

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When you get married,

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you kind of marry your in laws as well, kind of,

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or in another word, when you get married, then you have accepted the people will relate it to your wife and your husband.

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And even if a husband and wife get divorced, the father in law and mother in law, they remain moms to you forever.

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Forever. Do you understand?

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Why? Because you have grandchildren. And those grandchildren still want their grandfather and grandmother even if you got divorced. So when you marry them, your in laws do have a certain right to courtesy.

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Now, I'll teach you very quickly, in dealing with your in laws make three circles,

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small circle,

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middle circle, big circle, what are you going to put in those circles, I'll tell you,

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you and your wife you and as we have to decide, while you're working out in sha Allah, it takes a few years actually to to get everything into place. Maybe some people in the first few months, the small circle on the inside.

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Only for the husband and wife, they are the husband and wives privacy.

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You do not say a single word about it to anyone else outside of you and your spouse, not your mother, not your father, not your siblings, not your cousins, not your friends.

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This is your privacy. If you want a good household and you want love to increase Petunia, no problems run the sisters have your privacy. It's not shared anywhere, not even on social media.

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The second circle is the middle circle. That second circle is what you will share only

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with your family, with your parents and maybe a little circle above your siblings. Things that involve your family, meaning your parents and your siblings.

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Is that understood, you do not share it with anyone else. Finally, the large circle is what you share in public. Unfortunately, this day and age, you know the big circle.

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For many people now that's become the middle circle through social media. Everything about their private affairs is on social media yummy.

01:09:30--> 01:09:31


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This is why

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divorce rates are on the rise. This is why conflict and people staying in a toxic marriage is on the rise. Because you share all your private affairs with everybody. Then people come in and get involved. You're the one who invited them out and put the blame on people put the blame on you if you're one of them. There is a privacy. Once you share it with your mum and dad or your siblings guess what happens? They start getting involved because you invited them. You need to draw the boundaries. And you need to tell your mother and father

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Other for example, if they ask any questions about your privacy, I'm sorry, my mother I love you kiss her on the forehead and say, Hey, this Allah subhana, Allah is forbidden. I don't want to talk about my family. She gets upset, she gets upset.

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Just because she got upset. It doesn't mean you have to all leave each other law. You still come you laugh, you smile, you kisses Oh Allah, I love you mom.

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It doesn't mean you still show her goodness that you don't break, you don't give away. Same with your parents. So Ron says this is a very important advice. Number two. This is a bad habit in couples, when it comes to the parents and in laws. They tell their parents and siblings everything. Every time they're upset with each other. They go and tell their sibling. He goes and tells his sister she goes and tells us sister, they're gonna tell their mom and dad, brothers and sisters, let me tell you something.

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Husband and wife will have conflicts all the time. You guys are learning about each other, you'll probably resolve your conflict in three nights. But your parents guess what, for the next year or two, they're thinking about it. In fact, you would have probably placed an opinion in their head that your wife's a bad woman or her husband's a bad men.

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Do you understand what happens?

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Don't talk about everything to them and don't follow everything they tell you. Number three, living separately, we said that live separately to your in laws. Don't be too close. Trust me on that one. Get your privacy because it lessens your stress.

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Number three, this is a very important point.

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Naming and raising your children.

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In some cultures, this is my culture.

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The parents of the son

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think that they have a right to oblige their son and their daughter in law to name their children by their parents by their grandparents names.

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A son let's say a son has his first son.

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And he and his wife want to name him for example, Mohammed.

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But the husband's father is awkward.

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And they don't want to name awkward.

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So his parents come in

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and they make a big fight. Big conflict if he doesn't name after his father.

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I personally have seen many couples divorce.

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And big was Wallahi because of this one problem.

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We're in it we're in the deen doesn't say you have to name our because you love them get this out of the way. Love is not shown by naming a child by your name. Love is with treatment.

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Wallahi this culture

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is has destroyed a lot of families. And some of them they just accept that and they go with it. That's fine. The Rite of naming the child is for the mother and the father only.

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No one else. No one else. Allah I know families, the mother and the grandmother

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or the grandfather. They told all of their sons siblings to cut him off and to hate his wife, because he didn't name after his father.

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Isn't that a major sin? Is series A major sin?

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Did the Prophet sallallahu Sallam name after his father or mother did any of the Sahabas grab this and say name that, but then I come out it shows your love. Okay? Keep that as a leader. That's a culture. And anyway, that's the right of the mother and father.

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Lastly, when in laws wrongfully involved themselves.

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Sometimes the husband or the wife don't know to listen to their wife or to listen to their mother to listen to her husband to listen to her father.

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My brothers and sisters, let me give you a formula to how to separate the two. Let's say you're the son and your mother demands something from you.

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This is how you look at it.

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If what your mother tells you to do just give you an example mother tells you to do

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is about you personally. Then obey her.

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For example.

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She says Son, drink this milk that I made the only she must have or drink this sweet that I made. Eat it. Obey your mother and eat it because that's you. Son helped me lift this thing up. Okay, son, can you take me tomorrow? Call the doctor for me make me an appointment. Yes.

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But if she tells you to do something that involves something that is shared with your wife,

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then that is not her right?

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For example.

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She says Son, I want you to have your wife pregnant within the next two years.

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I want

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a grandchild

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will lie. I've heard some parents that if it's not a son, it's not a grandson. I don't want to Wallahi I've heard this. There's not a grandson, I don't want to see it. And how far do you go? That is the right of the son of the father of the husband and wife, the mother has no right to do that. He doesn't obey her.

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Son, let's say the father says, Your wife must dress in this way. Or she can't come in.

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That's between the husband and wife.

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A brother, or a sister says,

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Your wife should be working here, not there. That's none of their business. None of their business whatsoever. Let's say the family comes together. And they say, Listen, we've all made a donation box. Everybody's going to take part. Alright, the siblings can take part. But their husbands and wives, they don't have to.

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Nobody has the right to force them and say, why didn't they come in. And if they don't donate and do whatever the family did,

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they look at them funny. Every time they come in the house, her him. They're stingy, they don't even take about that. I love the family. Hola, hey, this is haram. This is how you divide people. If you love your children, you love your siblings, get out of their business, leave them alone.

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And if they do that, through your brother and sister,

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Alice, have a distance have a distance between you and them. Because you don't want to destroy your family. Don't cut them off, but have a distance. Even if it means the son just goes and visits his parents. And the wife from time to time. Doesn't matter.

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Sometimes they say your wife has to help

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in the house, the parents house just like your sister in laws do. If that's a customer in a tradition, it'll be nicer for the wife to help out of her own goodwill, but she's not obliged.

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And I say to my sisters and brothers, and help your in laws, do good things, because you're building the love anyway. But what I'm saying is that when it comes to a point where where it becomes like a force and the wife or the husband, they're tired, they're they're being oppressed, or you can back off you don't have to.

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And lastly,

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the cultures and customs I said it help each other inshallah finally brothers and sisters, marriage is about harmony, love and getting together. Be good to your in laws, be good to your brother, your sister in law's your brother in law's Be good to your wife and husband's family be good to each other. Do extra to what you can. If there's conflict, you and your wife, you and her husband sit down and talk about it say how are we going to deal with my mother's jealousy? How are we going to deal with my father's stubbornness? How are we going to deal with my sister or my brother, the wife and husband can talk together and come to a mutual agreement. And he for example, one last example.

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I know a couple. They lived back in Lebanon, they lived in the same apartment as same building and it's apartments right? So the the parents are at the bottom, and then the siblings are on top in each different apartment. So what happened was, every time the sun would come in, he would go up to his wife first because it's your second floor. And his mother would be watching

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his back he didn't come and say hi to me. First. He loves his wife more than me. He had a jealous mother. I think this happens in our societies. So this wife of his mashallah she's smart, intelligent. That's the type of woman should be looking for a woman who has wisdom and clemency. She sat with her husband and said, Listen, I can see what's happening. Let's come and work this out together. I know you love me says Well, I love you. But my mother says I understand that your mother has authority over you. I'm a mother too. Let's agree on this. She said whenever you come here, go to your mother first. Sit with her. Have a couple of bites if she made anything, laugh with her joke

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with her and tell her how much you love it, spend about half an hour and then come to me for the rest of the day.

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He did that Wallah he had solved their problem.

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So sometimes you got to deal with people in a smart way according to their personalities. You can't change a person change your approach somehow. But without losing your connection without losing your rights on either at least your spouse's rights or something. I hope insha Allah this gave us a bit of an indication you do need to read more you need to look when I'm sorry again. I was take a while these topics are very big. So may Allah subhanaw taala reward you and bless you my brothers and sisters her there was some Aloha Nabina Muhammad, while early or SOFIA Jemaine was salam aleikum wa rahmatullah had a good day.