Friday Night Lights – What I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married
Channel: Ammar Alshukry
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Episode Transcript ©
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Bismillah al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah hit I mean, what are the early he was happy here Jemaine my bad luck and look at it for coming to Friday Night Lights. Today's topic is, what was it things I wish I knew before I got married. So just to clarify from this topic from the title,
not every point we bring up means we regretting if I say a point, doesn't mean that I'm saying I wish I knew this before I got married. It's things we learned from Messiah hunt from life and from books. It's a combination of things. All right. So the title doesn't mean everything we say is from personal experience, don't take a personal
Okay, listen, at all.
Okay, so this is supposed to be this should be like,
a very light session tonight. Stories experience live,
things that we have seen.
And I want to say something before we started, like our point.
Many of you,
all of you, many times, you will see one side of people's life.
But when Allah subhanaw taala put you in a position like us as imam,
we see different sides with different perspectives, we see things that you don't see. So you might think all this is the best couples have ever, everything is good, you know, or you might be going through a bad experience, you think everything is bad, but we see both.
Okay. So make sure that that's why it is so I can't say enough. how important this might be first point, how important consultation is
to consult, to ask to take an opinion of someone who have experience in life.
You know, and many times I got actually a little bit upset of some of the members of my community that did get married, and they never talked to me about the guy or about the girl who was what's the point of having an Imam and Imam who knows you you're close to him, families unit. You never talked to me about that.
And guess what?
I find out about the whole thing when there is a problem and they come to me for divorce.
I have EBIT. I know this about this guy from day one, if you would have come and asked, I'll save you the money for for the party and emotional attachment and the crusher and whole entire drunk. If you would have asked me about this sister or this man or this family, I would have shared with you some information, I'm not going to make the decision for you, but I will make you will inform. So one thing I want you to know, you know, especially before marriage, if Allah Subhan Allah bless Johan de la we have multiple even Imams from the law here in our community can give you a very good view or a good perspective about you. I don't we don't know we don't know the person. But make sure
that you consult your ask marhaba Minister sharp you will never regret as long as you consult people. When the minister heart you will not also regret or you will not tools if you make us to call it
what it is to sharpen something, isn't it important?
So another point I have that's very important also. So someone commented, they saw the poster and they saw three handsome men and the poster they said
they said this is going to be just male sided. And we should have thrown in a woman so she can give a woman's perspective and what the woman learns. So first of all, Charla is going to be things for both male and female. But if it's going to be male sided or lessons for men, good, because and feel free if the other panelists disagree here, the majority of the problem in marriages, it's men, it's men, and I don't care what anybody says except for Shefali.
It's men, okay. Yes, sometimes the guy has a crazy wife. She's an entire maniac, but that's very rare. It's always the man I don't care what anyone says. I'll say clear. Let me explain why okay. Because, long a long time ago, we
we had a center, I was threatened to say this by the way, call 911. The we had a Center in Virginia. And Shama Sharif. In his early days he came in he gave a lecture it was called How to be a good husband. And then we mass produced it
used to sell it that isn't an ignoble. Then, years later, he did another one called How to be a good wife. And then many years later, he was talking to us and he said, Look, you know, we had all these lectures about how to be he said, I figured out the problem with marriages is the men are just not real men. That's it. That's it. Because let me tell you something. Let's say you have a crazy wife, or bad wife or whatever. And you treat her with patience, and you treat her like a noble man. She will change she's not a blessing sister. She will change. But the problem is, I only have two patients, okay, I'm gonna be nice to my wife. Half a day, then at night, I go back to my ways house.
But if I could be a real man, and treat her that way, do you think she's gonna keep meeting me with bad manners and disrespect? She will change with the majority of the problem is men. So I think it's good that we're even if it is heavy on the men's perspective, good. That's, that's the problem. And of course, if you want to disagree, I just saw you know something about me. I'm very okay with people being wrong. So feel free to disagree. I'm kidding. Kidding.
So I'm very excited to be discussing this topic. With my father in law, that isn't going to be awkward at all. So
yeah, so this is, this is gonna be super awkward, but uh, Hamdulillah. So I'm ready to begin inshallah.
don't just happen, they are created.
That's one of the most important role in America.
I want everybody to understand. If you're already married, we were about to marry. This is what it just doesn't happen. Just do that. We have a great marriage, you have to create that great marriage have to work on it's not gonna happen by itself. So you have to make sure that you work you have to earn that good marriage.
I'm not gonna say settling for most of this. No, no, no, I'm just gonna vibe off of you both. All right.
basically, one of the things that you find, okay, so people get to know each other before marriage, right. And then by the time it gets close to the marriage, the time of the wedding itself. By that point, you know, you've interacted a lot with with the parents more with her more, you know, and some things show up in the stress of marriage, you start to see some of the real personality. A lot of times, I'll meet people who said, right before we got marriage of married, I noticed and I realized it is 100% not going to work, I saw that we were completely different. I knew it wasn't going to work. But at that point, we had made preparations Her parents came from overseas, which out
of my parents got to know them and everyone was congratulate everybody knew about it. And we even ordered the food and and got the banquet hall ready. I knew wasn't going to last but it was just too late to back out. It's not too late to backup. I mean, that's what I say. And even the day off, okay, she's putting the makeup on. Like, I don't think this will work out, okay, I'm gonna have dinner with my friends. If you need to pull out, pull out. Don't ruin your life and put yourself in an embarrassing predicament just because, oh, what are they going to say after we rented the banquet hall house, get your deposit back. But don't go through with it. A lot of people say I knew it
wasn't working. I just went through with it. That's the first piece of advice.
I would say we're on the topic of the engagement as well is to take red science seriously and bounce ideas off of people around you because the idea of love being blind is very true. I had one friend of mine who was telling me about his engagement process. And he mentioned amongst the engagement process that his fiancee was kind of used foul language and curses him out when she gets mad and things like that. And I was like, What do you mean, she curses you out? And he's like, no, she like curses me out. Like she just throws the whole book at me. And I was like, and we don't talk like that. He doesn't talk like that. Like his circle doesn't talk like that. But he's like when she gets
mad. She just curses me out. She hits me with every four letter word. I was like, this is the engagement period. This is the time when the masks are on. And she's being as she can be.
Show you the best. Yeah, this is when everybody's lying to each other. And
so I was like, This is what you're getting. Now. This is a this is like a red neon sign. No, no, no, no. He was like really? You think so? Like, yes, I think so. So Alhamdulillah he didn't end up going through that for a number of other reasons. But it like taking taking consultation with people is important.
One of the biggest problem that I have seen in my life
I was well with people.
A trick I didn't know. You need how it became so popular. Oh, he will change.
She will change.
You know, that's what make a lot of people go through this or to stay even in marriage, which is completely failure.
They just think it will he keep them miraculously will change. Let me tell you, I've been doing this for for for a period of time more than, you know many of you for so many years. Okay, let's just put it this way.
I haven't seen people changing
in marriage. I see people adjust.
But change, people don't change.
And for bad news, especially when it comes to character. The only time I see change happen
is a target character. Not a bad habit.
People can disagree Tarbut character trait, people adjust, but change happen only in the case of somebody seriously taking this as in his issue, have absolute determination and will and making effort and making sure I'm taking it so serious to change himself or herself.
In the people who do that commitment. Not Not many.
But that's why in Debbie Salas Agha Khan is the data behind it, which if you don't like something in your wife, and you hate it, you know, you have to learn how to accept people as they are. But this is has a limit to when maybe so someone said you accept her. You know, obviously that's applied to men as well you accept him? Because there is no perfect man was no perfect woman. But please, don't let parents don't tell you, sir. Oh Shalla should be like, perfect way job. No, she doesn't wear hijab. Now, that's huge. She might decide to wear hijab, but that's don't expect to see that, you know, touch you're going to change. You know, if a job is not something of value to her right now is
not just going to change for you. You know, if your husband is not somebody who has likes knowledge, and he's not going to change, that's who you are. So be careful this trip.
about the acceptance of people with their deficiencies, to think of people with their, their their best of qualities, Hadith I love very much with regards to this issue of marital relations, is Leia Mina that a believing man never hates a believing woman. If he dislikes one quality in her, he is pleased with another. And so choosing everyday to see the positive in your spouse, choosing everyday to not pay attention to overlook the negative to not focus on that, but to rather make your focus that which is positive and that which is desirable, and that which is love, that will make you inshallah to Allah love that person even more as opposed to deciding to focus on that which is
deficient or that which is incomplete or that which is negative.
Some statistics I love very much because they really support the Islamic process of getting marriage. They say studies or research shows that marriages where the couples fell in love before getting married, have a higher divorce rate. And psychologists explain that what Sara Mara said earlier when when people are in love, they don't get to see the flaws. And you know, everything is great about the other person, even if they see a flaw, they might bury it deep or, you know, question themselves that they actually saw something. So and that's why when people are not in love, you know if you can help that then you you you're more objective. The other statistic is that also,
statistically, the marriages were your friend's wife hooked you up with one of her friends like that, or have a more a higher success rate than one where you go out and find your own spouse. So you know, what's interesting is like the way Islam designed, the process is, you know, from the non Muslim studies prove that this is the best way to get married.
And on that point, we were one time we met. We were having $1 discussion with this atheist is a young guys like 1819 And he was saying I don't believe in God. Were one of his reasons. He said if there is a God he wouldn't, he wouldn't put together an institute like marriage, where it ends up 50% of marriages end up in divorce. And if there's a God, he wouldn't put together a system like this. That's such a failure. How do you How Are you patient with such idiocy?
It's like this institutions list exists.
Since the dawn of humanity, yes, I mean more recent statistics now the divorce rate is high, but before that it wasn't. Okay now, but at the same time, so then obviously if you don't believe in marriage you believe in in dating and cohabiting without marriage. And then what's the breakup rate?
What's the breakup rate for dating in iron knee? Quadro? 10 times higher. How many boyfriends girlfriends people have per year? And they break up because it didn't work. Anyway, are you promoting like a range?
No, I mean, I don't know what I'm promoting. Whatever works, man. I whatever you however you find fine. What do you think arrangement?
I prefer early marriage. arranged. arranged. Yeah. Married? does not do with age. Yeah, it's fine. What's the problem in? Like, I know it was, Oh, you guys have arranged marriages? What does that mean? What do you mean by a range? Do you mean that I'm forced to marry somebody like that, then? No. If you have a chance to get to know the person, then I don't care who introduces that person as long as you have a choice. A lot of you get scared for this word arranged marriage as bad arrangement. Oh, my God arranged marriage. You know, I don't want to tell you for me arrange married is like Exactly. Let's say my dad. Give me Hey, there is this girl? I'm so distinct for America. It
doesn't mean I x that proposal.
You know, I look at it. It's like any other methods of looking forced marriages, how long? Don't work. But arranged marriage in the sense that you know what I can see like, okay, my mother suggested this woman, I would look into it. If that person's doesn't mean I have to get it. There is this.
I don't know where this idea came from. I give when I give a talk today and do my current touch upon that. This idea. Whatever my mother said, My My father said, it's not me. It's old school. It doesn't fit me it doesn't philosophy rejected American.
Open your mind. I'm looking to these possibly parents make sure it's an opinion. It's not fact not order. It's not like Hello, if you don't take my choice, you do validate haram, you're going to hellfire No, in don't use this kind of language in our children to very good, because that's very dangerous. And it's very repellent. Because kids are coming up in a completely different culture, people are coming up in a completely different culture, even if people are within the same city. 30 years later, the culture is completely different. And so the idea of imposing on your children that if you don't follow me, then you will enter into the Hellfire or what have you, it becomes something
that actually distances that person from the concept of the Hellfire even can even distance them from the concept of the religion. But one thing that I I would like to point out, even as I posted about this today, and people were listing their ideas and their own suggestions, cheating.
But one of the things was the idea of some young person posted, and I've seen this a lot with young people, the idea of I don't want to get married, I'm never gonna get married.
I think one important point to notice is that you will be inconvenienced. Marriage is going to be filled with inconvenience. But any relationship worth having is going to be filled with inconvenience, that sacrifice is the price that you pay. For closeness, that sacrifice is the price that you pay for depth. And being that we are all conditioned in modernity, all of us now are conditioned to maximize our convenience in everything that we do in every relationship that we have. In every in every little action that we do is designed to maximize our intentional convenience, you can see the cost of that convenience. And the cost of that convenience is superficial relationships,
it's easier to just share or to like or to, to meet a person at a random place as opposed to inviting them into your home. Like all of these things are at a cost of depth. And so when you get married, recognize that you know what, there's going to be a lot of things that I would rather not do but in the long term that is in Charlotte, are I going to create for me a relationship that's meaningful? Yeah, I want to say to those who give and have this idea, I'm not going to get married the girl the Allah and said, Lord Khalifa dunya
I only have one night left. One day left in this life. I will not die single law hookworm, I will not die single. I will not meet a loss by God as a single man.
I want to meet him as someone who is married. Because why? Because of it. Massoud understood the process of absurd when you marry a good, righteous spouse. You complete half of your religion.
Half of your deen is completed
And that's that's why an ambassador the Allah Allah when he heard that some people said, well we don't want to get married, he said, Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he was of Allah Azza at kaha the Ummah the most righteous and after only PSA and he's the one who made the most
that's why when a man said yellow sola, I don't want to marry I want to stay. You know what he wants to stay single not to have freedom, no, stay single. So have the freedom for worshipping Allah. That said to be a debate what devoted worship the process and said no,
Monrovia answered that the very submit me if you stay away from my son and my way you not belong to me. So that idea that I'm not going to get married, I don't want to get married, I'm gonna stay single is completely not acceptable Islamically especially in a time of fitna and a time of, you know, the sexual desires and
things sexualized in society. And not only that materialistic goals, that marriage is not just about sexual desire, it part of it is absolutely important part of it is to protect him and her from falling into the haram. But also it's the companionship Adam and a Salam engender Can you imagine you all engender what's missing?
Adam and Jenna Can you imagine Jana that Allah promised you
and yet he was sad.
And Allah created from Eve, or Christmas Eve, so she can give him the companionship and he will be in her company and that were completed his happiness.
And we're not animals. Some animals are the one who just meat you know,
any with other animal for pre productions and that's it. And they live by themselves. We are human beings we meant to be family. So that idea those who keep saying I'm not going to marry you see in society you know why? Because they fulfill the desire and
so the Alliance if a young man told me I'm single I'm not married. He's one have to imagine what a man Yeah, and he is either fragile doing bad things, or somebody who is any have a disease that it makes him have no desire.
Okay, you have a sexual desire.
The amount of downside that's one of two as the norm
that's why it is completely honest Islamic that concept of not gonna get married, not gonna get married.
Before proceed, can you explain the what it means? You when you get married, you complete half your deen.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
To complete half of your team, because
basically your spouse help you, to protect you to be sexual desire is a very strong desire as human beings, it's part of who we are. And if this can get in control, you can control so many other desires as well. It makes you so much in control of your soul, but not to be deceived views. Also, at the same time, your spouse, that's why nobody says salam said a righteous woman, righteous woman will help you. So a righteous man as well will help you not only to protect yourself from harm, but also help you to do what is right. and inspire you to do what's correct.
You know, when you look at the Sahaba of the law, and when they leave the house, the wife will tell them, hey, we can be patient with hunger. We can deal with poverty.
But we cannot deal with hellfire.
Don't go earn from haram because of us.
You know when you have a wife telling you that you have a husband telling you Let's share the night let's pray together let's pass let's do this inspire you with you, you know, learning together that's different. There are different levels.
The amount of stability and strength when you strengthen that relationship with Toby to complete your menu of your deen
so I have some advice for the guys also on the on the on the idea of expectations.
And it's got a story to it before I had gotten married. I used to get quizzed by my shoe off and you know like they do about getting married and things like that. And one time one of my machete I
I went and I had sat with him in,
in his hotel. And he was sitting there. And he was quizzing me about what's going on and stuff like that. And so I don't know what inspired him to say this. But he said, he said to me, he said, Listen, I just want you to know, especially for the guys, he said, I just want you to know that no matter who you marry, he's that no matter who you marry, you will walk out and you will see somebody prettier.
Because guys have this idea of, I just need to marry the prettiest woman in the world ever. Because that's what's going to there's so much fitna out, I need to make sure that I marry somebody who's like a 1010 10. He said, you will find somebody prettier. And he said to me, he said, even the Prophet cellulitis was not immune from the beauty of a woman catching her eye. And he quoted the verse and sort of the HAZOP, where Allah subhanaw taala talks about the province of the light SLM, after an incident not being able to, you know, the, the, the divorcing of wives and what have you. And he says, that you don't replace the wives who chose you what oh, I Jabbok, a husband, Rohan with
another wife, even if their beauty might please you. And so Rasulullah sallallahu, even though he's married to the likes of Sophia, and I shall on the line, he's not immune from the beauty of another woman catching his eye. And so there is no one woman that you will marry, that will force you to lower your gaze, you have to lower your gaze, you have to choose to be satisfied, you have to have Taqwa. And the same thing goes for women as well, in the sense that not You're not going to marry some guy who will, you know, if your eyes is always unleashed on Instagram, and what have you, then you're also going to suffer for that. So make sure that you are content with who you choose, that
will be better for you than necessarily the features.
I always used to say in class that, you know, the guy is looking at images all day, Billboard signs, commercials on YouTube, he sees images of women who are and it's not fair to compare your wife to those because they're airbrushed. They're photoshopped, heavy makeup. I'm sure all of you have seen those videos where they start to remove the makeup. And you see Nene, hula girl? You know, the point is that
then he comes home to his wife who is a good thing. I mean, okay looking person, but it's comparing her to all those images that he saw. What can she look like the billboard type your God is up to here? Why don't you look like the billboard? Yeah, and you just want her to look like he just looks? Anyways, just wanted to share even the billboard is like she took that pose like 1000 times or 900 times. Yeah, to actually get that one shot. Yeah. And the ultimate doctor that we had
in Virginia, one of our brothers, he got married. And he was like, the kind that always makes fun of people and does voices and imitates and makes fun of you in front of people. So when he got married, this was our day of revenge with him. So we played the fun game. It's called Ask the groom people from the audience. I was the emcee. People from the audience would ask questions, and we purposely made them very embarrassing, like the girl's father is sitting there and questions would be like, did you fall in love? You know, before? Before the engagement during the engagement was really embarrassing. And then one question came that I really love this question. Sure. Khalid answered the
question was, now that you've completed half your deen, what are you gonna do about the other half?
Everybody knows the Hadith. But secondly, just explain what that means completely after the
up. I have a couple of nice story about that song. So that being said, but I want to move to another point.
Just before the other point, make sure that we don't it doesn't mean that you don't take care of your
soul sisters, brothers allsite.
Sisters in the beginning of the marriage, they care so much about how they look how they dress, how they, their weight, their there's, there's after marriage, and after a kid I know it's hard to stop getting busy stuff like that. Some kind, you know, it became drop not as priority, but that's not correct. You know, I get a lot of complaints from husbands telling me, Chef, my wife, she doesn't dress up. She doesn't. You know, I deal with a lot of fidget every day outside.
Yes, I tell them don't worry. Sisters of sisters. I tell them she deals with fit and outside as well. But you know what? There is a big difference between men and women in this area.
Men and women not equal in this area. Men are physically physically and visually stimulated woman or emotionally stimulated woman when they see a guy that the nor or the vast room. She's not react
In the same thing when a guy see a beautiful one woman get attached attract a lot when it's emotionally stimulated. That's why if you want to get the best out of your wife, you're not going to just, you know, dress up and look at it, you know, be nice, be courteous, say loving things to her, and you'll see how that will affect the relationship. So, there is a difference between men and women and doesn't mean that look is not important to her it is important, but I'm saying this is all something we should care for. And, and men as well, after a while, after they get married, they became so relax, the same boxer, whatever, you know, the same like, tank like old holes in it, dress
I also it's nice. When you go to a dinner with your wife at home, dressed nice.
Even like surprise her. And the same thing. And remember what the nabasa the Allah Han used to say, used to do used to put perfume fixes air, you know, you knew he looked like he looked nice before you walk into the house. It's a shame that you dress nice, and you smell nice. And you look nice for people who are far away from you, not related to you outside. But you don't do that for your own family.
These These look important.
And don't ever overlook that.
The province of Allah they said of them used to stand outside of his house before entering and use to use them. Yeah, being very cognizant, I think when you when when two families joined together, when two spouses come together, you're coming with a lot of different levels of comfort around a lot of different things. And so I think one of the things like Shefali just mentioned is to be very careful as to what your spouse finds attractive. And doing more than that, and being also aware of what they find unattractive. And it could be a wide variety of things. It could be it come it can come from their cultural sensitivities, it could come from their family sensitivities. And it's not
a matter of just dismissing it because oh, that's silly or what have you. But if they tell you, or they communicate that something to them is unappealing about think of something important, it is important.
If your spouse think this is important, it means it is important. It doesn't matter what you say about but if your spouse think it is important, because it's important.
I want to share something I learned from shaquiesha Burgess, Zola hair. And I found it really beneficial because I used to think the same exact way. So he said that many people, you know, they get married, and their focus is on one another. And then the plan, the unspoken plan is the minute you have children, the focus shifts, and now both of us are focused on swimming might have edge and that's your job. How was your focus now is on the children and you start to neglect one another. But he said something. And it was just it struck me really nicely. He said no. Even after you have children, your focus is still on one another. And yeah, and I'm not going to ask for show of hands.
But really how many managers have the same thing where once the kids are here Hala. All she does in a ship? We're just managing these monkeys? I mean, children, right? The thing is that this is where it starts to go bad, right? And the woman wants certain amount of attention. The man wants a certain amount of attention. But all the focus now is on the children. So I know it's like funny or you think I'm being funny, but how many times people come, you know, and not just here I'm talking about everywhere Yanni. And they'll say you know, my husband is talking my husband is this my husband has done like, we have an imam whom and used to hate him. They used to hate him, but he was very direct.
Anytime a woman comes into my husband this visit, he would ask her a very intimate question, you know, and he's Syrian, so he would stretch it out.
As part of that neglect, he's gonna start going elsewhere. Okay.
Speaking of children, the say it's important for you to do after she delivered the baby. Why she breastfeed is to take her out, invest money in hiring babysitter, and getting babysitter and people take care of children, while the spin sometimes will be wiped out. And that led me to another world. Okay? vacations and relationships are not luxurious. Vacations are necessity. We go out not to skip live.
No, we go out so live will not escape us. We go out together pretty much a lot, you know. And so believe me
All it takes you just go to one of these you know apps now there are so many cheap
beach house in Galveston or even sometimes downtown Houston you know on a top like in a random days you can find very good deal just one night you know just go out have a dinner have a you know one day out you know private beside you will find plenty of options. And so that doesn't cost 100 150 $200 Max just printing the whole thing. You know what it's worth to invest in you? What's the point for money? If you don't
that's when lifescape so you go outside for vacation so live will not escape
there's this joke about this woman she asked her husband she said you know when we were engaged used to bring me those delicious chocolates what happened to them mentality you know,
you ever from chocolate to worms.
So, before marriage also, this is a superpower. So if you've never heard this before, congratulations, if you practice it you the idea of love languages is that people speak or communicate love in different ways. And everybody does. And the love languages are five they're given gifts, their words of affirmation, they are physical touch their acts of service and their quality time. So they have their people who communicate in your love language a lot. And so acts of service will be somebody you you go to your mom, your your love language is physical touch. And so you're always trying to give your mom a hug. And you're like, Mom, I love you. And she's like, if
you loved me, you would take out the trash. Right? So what she's communicating is that her and you take out the trash for example. Or you just go and you and you vacuum the living room and you might find your mom coming up to you and doing what giving you a hug, right because now you've communicated in her language a lot of people unfortunately they only try to communicate in their language most insignificant gift and you might not like gifts, but when you go and bring them a gift it might be the world to them. Or the fact that you're sitting down because their gift is quality time and you're just undivided attention no phone and you're having a conversation with them in a
car that and chips are your spouse but if you learn this you will be able to implement that even in your family or other people as well.
The is it it's the five languages of love right? Yeah by Gary choose your favorite
that's the eye this is a very important point in my opinion for the men and women are not the same
period and women think of us the same way we're different species
different different we are goal oriented male or goal oriented. All what is it? No it's not done. Who told you it's done? She's still talking about by their colors I told you it's not gonna happen I'm gonna return it back. No she's okay the thing will be returned to the place but for her is she's a woman or not are there is always more sales men than sales woman
you know, so it is wise you have to fulfill her need. And you don't be angry at TED because he this is how you think it needs when she's telling a story. And as a man you're thinking get to the point of the story. The story is the point which she feels is the point it is not
the goal you go to the
you know, I know what I want I want to go by Get up 10 minutes when I take them with me. But I learned how to accommodate that I give them the enjoy
into good Baba where we all together looking for a difference and you have to understand language. You know, there's a different emotion. Women are very figuring it out.
We're not necessarily we're not that's why one of the rules I'll put out why she didn't figure out what I want. What
tell him what you're feeling just don't make this guessing game is not good. It's not out you can do it through different means through body language, sign language those things, but the point is they call it report versus report. You know, men want to report the the give the bottom line the establish rapport in that sense. One of my friends said his wife would tell him so many details, like she would say she wants to know then she would get very upset with him for let me tell my field of study was communication. So we studied the differences between how men and what other
interruptions are not as severe. They can interrupt each other and it's not a big deal to them for men said my fiance would interrupt me so much. I would get so angry or interrupt me
One more time I swear to God, but I want to ask the audience who speaks more men or woman is equal.
You know, there was a study that the study found that men speak about 12,500 words per day. And women speak about 24,500 words per day. But it's searching for the study, and discovered there's no such thing.
Everyone's been quoting it. Even even Arab students indicated that men and women speak roughly exactly the same number of words. So that what's the issue? Why does again, bad husband always referenced the Hadith in Sahih Bukhari of it's a long Hadith, this long story to the Prophet sallallahu sallam, but he is listening. That's the amazing part in the Hadith at the end, he comes to her like I am to you a lot of us when our wives talk to us, we zone out, but to look at make it look like we're listening, we give her a different variety of, uh huh. But they don't know is that all men have an automated device and say he rewinds you said that I shouldn't have made her fit one
of her hijab. Yes. And like I was saying,
the hadith of bits. And you're thinking to yourself, This is a man who's got the power to the world on his shoulders, and he's listening to. But one thing to learn also, and when he says to her that I am to you like I was out of Western, but one thing that you won't learn from the hadith is how frequently you'll need to go back to these types of conversations. And that depends you can fall in love with the same person many times.
Love is not this. First of all, there is a lot of bit out tell you, if you have a car run out of gas. What do you do with this car? If you refuel it?
If you if you're if you're born
you know, I was pleasantly surprised question if you go back in time, would you choose your spouse? Barriers spouse? That's that's a that's an interesting question. I was pleasantly surprised. The overload later I tell you, I will absolutely do.
You know, it is learn how to feign a strong, healthy relationship.
The answer that survey alone came to me and a sister in the almost stayed outside. So to talk to me about their mirror.
She's a sister from you know, I loved her. I know we've been married for a year and we've been doing this I don't know. Mashallah. He speaks so strong so far.
Okay, then Okay, sister, then she said,
say thank you
for seeing us.
I got to take a look at
I got it in front of the guy or the girl. But you can see how different they are. I said to her, you must Yes.
She actually is she must have like been talking to each other. You know, it just the so much gap. And that leads me and compatibility indeed and could have what's called LogMeIn character traits. You know, stop. I know that is unbelievable. She is a mechanic, she's electrician, she is a plumber. She is a camp leader. She Is he is he is a teacher, great mother with five kids full of energy
to stay in the couch and watch TV. This woman all her life outdoor
outside a camp in our backyard.
Just joking. But that's Matt. Ashley shake, say that. Even religion when she assumed to be religious. I don't I don't know. Maybe a little bit higher than you. But big difference, I think compatibility.
So, but also, and that's
Bucha wishes and your daughter she's not Egyptian anymore.
She's not gonna match someone you're gonna you look for some compatibility, even education, age wise. You know, fun, as much as you can. Your interest. I just imagine if chef Come on, you know, his wife, she cares about that. Like him a little more compatibility. Somebody care for you. You know, that's so important to take that you know, compatible. I'm pleased I found it in physical and I found it very common. Mashallah. He is that's up to you. I don't care. Black and white. That's fine. They actually clash
Don't just wait for the year month and you will see how this will result of a big clash later I'm Michael Mann
along with Michael
shadow one Mohan mana
a shadow and
I don't know sauna
so one that I'll share is, I think really important and that is the idea of each individual having their own privacy a
not just my closet but the stuff in my closet I want to share everything with I want to share all of my secrets with personal because number one you don't know how that will affect that person's view points of view, okay, or when it ends in divorce, that those secrets can become used, they can become weaponized. And so you will looking and digging into their private space. There's a quote people have said the home okay, can you see the home that he might corrupt them or that he might this is might corrupt them, they will corrupt them or they might corrupt them. And I guess an example that I can give on that is if if you end up but so you have a 15 year old daughter and she's
got a journal. And in her journal, she writes, you know her crushes name. And it's something very innocent at that stage. And she's just writing a person's heart. And then the parents see it and they completely overreact. And, you know, they, they they went into her journal, they read it and now you know, she's got a girlfriend, she's got a boyfriend and she's, you know, halfway on her road to teen pregnancy, according to the parents, and then it extends to the extended family and everybody is looking at her like some she's some sort of villain. Right? And that she's some sort of this in some sort of that she could be corrupted by the fact that they investigated into her
journal, right? Because now she's being viewed as this person. And what is people's natural response when they're being viewed as this person that they're not?
What is it?
If I'm bad, I might as well do it right? If I'm if I'm doing the time anyway, I might as well do the crime. Right. And so that in and of itself might have corrupted them more than if they had simply wrote out whatever it was, and they grew out of it as they naturally would have grown out of it.
This shift said he gave a lecture. This is on spine, right? He said he gave a lecture is he called it my mother. So when he came back, he came home after Isha his friend who was at the lecture sent him he said yes, yeah. How about next time we do my father? For the shift texted him back. What do you think of my sister?
That was the text message. What do you think of my sister? He didn't put quotation marks his wife's holla you know the rest of the story, right? The chick is offering his sister to the guy. It's like if you weren't spying, you wouldn't be in this predicament.
One advice I heard from the chef one time. I loved it a lot because I saw myself on the receiving end of this and I was like this would be perfect for me. He was speaking to the sisters. He said, The best advice I can give you. He said speak to your husband like he's five years old. And until
Today I believe is the best advice I've ever heard. I'm not kidding, he said, Because men have this thing right? Respect, pride. Ego have to be the man of the house the kingdom. Okay? Make him feel that way. Just you win. So he said whatever he says just like a five year old. Boy, we have to do this from now on. Okay, Habib, whatever you want in sha Allah, from now on, we're going to make sure this happens. Who's gonna immediately nervous, you know, deflate, and he's next time he pumps as well. What are you him? Whatever you want heavy, we will make sure that happens. Just be happy. Don't get upset. I don't want you to lose your. He said just do that. Do that and you will you will
rule the house. But the thing is, we don't have the patience. You know, she'll do Habibi, okay. And then she's like habibi. And after two hours, that's my hair. I put up with your nonsense enough in my head. All right, I want to I want to give a tip, maybe just to make life easier. This is a psychological strategy. All right. My wife heard this before we were doing this on a
on the like, of Facebook class. And then I we started cracking at this. So she already knows that technique. So I can't use it on her anymore. So I'm sharing it with my brother's here. All right, if your wife says, which a buyer should I wear the blue one or the green one? immediately and without any thinking, just pick either one? It doesn't matter. Okay? Sit, because what you're trying to do, you're trying to find out which one she really wants to put on. Okay, say the blue one. The minute she starts making arguments for the green one, deep down, she wanted you to say the green one. If you if you say the blue one, she's like, okay, that means she dipped down one of the blue one. But
if she says the if you say the blue one, she says, Are you sure because the green one matches my shoes better. And it also matches this hijab. And the person I have to do is just immediately switched and said, Oh, you know what? No, no, no, I see that. No, you're right. 100% The green one is the better one switch to the green one immediately. That's the best one. You're right. You're I see it now. And that's
that's how you do it. You find out what you want. You really thank me for that later in. Sharla.
One other thing that I found very important for us to learn as we're getting married are about married.
guilt tripping would not get you what you really want.
Making people feel bad about themselves is not going to fix their spouse.
Believe me, you will get much much better out of the person without using this method. You know what? The kids were waiting for you the whole entire day for two hours. They were so hungry today. Yeah. Legit. didn't show up for dinner. We've been waiting for you the kids went to sleep hungry because we're not going to eat into Baba comes on Baba didn't come because whatever you've been doing, what she's making you feel
You know, the kids are this. This is it. You know what I spend the night you make him feel guilty. guilt tripping is not going to I don't think when you do that. Next time, he's going to come and time and we'll be there for the dinner. No, if even if he comes next time, he will come angry and she will be angry is not gonna fix it.
Don't use guilt tripping doesn't work. It may be first you frustrated and released. But it doesn't work. What works actually positive message.
Say, Oh, it didn't come today. No problem, you know, but just remember, you remember that day when we had dinner together, the kids were telling me they loved it. You know, when you took them out, they were so happy. You know that feeling being close to you. That means a lot to them. You know, having you when you did this to me that day, it meant so much to me. Give that positive don't use guilt. Making people feel bad. It doesn't work.
It doesn't work, it frustrate you. But it doesn't really help you to change. In management, they call that feedback versus feed forward. So back is you're looking back and you're criticizing or what have you or, as opposed to feed forward, you're basically looking into the future and you're showcasing what could be better. And that example chef would he just gave I think of like how the province satellite is and I'm setting up my laptop to live now I'm not looking to accumulate or to live near him but it's such an excellent servant of Allah subhana data. If only he would pray the night like this one addition, instead of saying he doesn't pray the night right and just focusing on
that what an excellent individual this person is. If he only prayed the night, so of course he's going to add that to his repertoire now. And he did until 100 in age of 104 and he was blind that 100 and still continue doing how could you not with such praise from the Prophet sizer? No, we're gonna have Roberts points
okay, find out the enlasa
situation, okay, are you going to live? Is he going to live with his parents or not? They will get into your business. It's just inevitable whether they're good people or not. So figure out that situation first. And the other point, someone mentioned also figure out the step relationship. I took a counseling course. And the counselor said something interesting, he said, animals in the wild, all kinds of animals, never killed babies never killed the baby children Jani, except in step relationships. And step relationships can be very difficult on people. And I still don't know why I don't know if anyone's figured it out. But step relationships are very hard on people, you marry
someone who has children or you marry a woman, she has children, you better figure things out before you step into that in laws, you figure that out before you step into it. And just wanted to have to plug a lecture of yours is excellent. In laws or outlaws excellent lecture, budget, Wally, I want to um, I stole it, I gave it in Turkey, people were blown away and deep down I was like, holy, that's all.
It's not what you got. It's what what you do with it. This is a rule of marry. You might be Allah give you a very sweet tongue doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter. You know, a good you're grateful person. What do you do with that? How you communicate that how you taught. So make sure that you use these down in a gratitude is just not feeling it is an action, love is not feeling it's an action is what you do with what I was giving you.
It takes time for people to grow even into, not what you just want, but what they want. And so just like, for example, a person might be complaining, your spouse might be complaining about a goal that they have. And you think that okay, just do this, this, this, this, this, not realizing that that might be a two year process for them, or a three year process for them or a five year process for them. And so giving people the opportunity in the space to grow is very important.
Pay Now, or pay later with interest and penalties. Another rule of marriage pay now or pay later, with
interest and penalties. This something I used to fail miserably. And I have to say, I'll admit it.
What are we going with this weekend?
You know, to Galveston with the kids? In shall.
That's Monday. Okay, and I just got a text message that I have recording on the weekend. But now I don't want to deal with this headache. Yeah, no, we're not gonna go you know, certain challenge may hopefully show I want to push it later.
You know, it's the rule is pay now. Deal with it. Now. You know what? No, I don't think we're gonna go this weekend. Why whatever reason back and forth. 10 minutes, you know, may upset a little bit. Deal with it. But if you decide to pay later, it can be with penalties and interest. Because when weekend comes and everybody excited. I'm sorry, I'm not going what? We're already we can sell our this now is not going to be just you not going, you're not going and you misled us and you deceived us and you lied to us. And you you know it became way way more bigger problem. Then what did you what was before, so make sure you pay with it right now. And instead of accumulating interest, just
because you want to push it for a week or like three days later on?
That's excellent. Brilliant. I love that.
I'll start paying now.
This was also there is a difference between sex and intimacy.
There's a big difference between the two. But that will have a special
Friday Night Lights. It will be one light. Just be you. I'm out.
I want to say one thing is about secrets. Yeah, privacy wouldn't hurt your marriage. But secret secrecy. Well,
I always tell my kids and my family. There's no secret between us. There is privacy. What's the difference?
I don't look at my daughter's phone.
I don't just go look, you know, and basically, I respect their privacy. My wife, my husband.
I respect my husband's privacy. But if I want to use the phone and I take the phone, and all of a sudden she grabbed the phone from me
No, no, don't look at my phone. No, no, don't open my purse. No, no, no, don't look at it. That means there is a secret between us. That's not healthy.
There's a difference between the two. I respect your privacy. But you know what, I'm just gonna make a phone call. But all of a sudden, you reacted so strongly to get us. That means there's something secret here, that hurts marriage.
And I just want to sell so just a cap on secrets of the past. I 100% agree with Jamal. And am most of the cases I've seen your past secrets used against you, even without divorce, that will be used against the time come. The only secret you cannot hide from your spouse about your past. If it's something will impact your marriage or your future. Any for example, if you have kids from other family, marriage, you can't tell them. You have to tell them that I have children and they have you know, I married before and that's something you don't hide. You know, I do believe or, for example, somebody has a criminal record
that I just wouldn't my wife was stopped by the cup and I just find out that my wife or my husband, like, you know, has a criminal record now that will affect your relationship. I mean, something serious like that. Just something easy. Not a big deal. an STD health issue. Yes. health issue. Yeah, by the way, I have. You know, that's too late. You can't do that. That's something will affect. Mary looked at her. Yeah, yeah. There. Is this a joke. All right. Sorry. First of all, for these topics make me you know, bring out the crazy. So this, this guy got married in secret. He had a second family, kids everything. He dies. They have the funeral. Three days later, a woman dressed
in black with some kids knocks on the door. The widow opens up. She's like, What is it? She's like the deceased was my husband. He said, she said, Honey, I'm Alec. My heart broke. Now you're going to try to break it twice. This man. I've known him for 25 years, he does nothing but go to work. He comes home and then he goes to Masjid Maria. She said I'm Maria.
That's why he was always making that kickoff outside.
Okay, we're wrapping up, check him out of something. Okay, my last point will be
something I really
found out that helps a lot in relationship,
which is I just said
that was wedding.
Tuesday, I said, all the golden rules of marriage is don't ever forget that you are in the same sign.
The moment you see your spouse, the other side moment the marriage fall apart.
You remember you are on the same side, the moment we stop pointing the cross road. That's not right. You know, what, if your husband, if that's where many problems can manifest this way. But you know what, I trust my husband, we are on the same side. As you if you start not trusting your husband, that means we're not on the same side. You know, even if we disagree with each other, we're still on the same side. We don't let our disagreement make us, you know, awesome from each other. We all in the same team. I can't I can't say this enough for you. And always make sure
that your marriage stay fresh.
When you know work on a good marriage created. You know, Shefali the opposite attracts line that you mentioned. I was thinking about it, like we grew up learning, like thinking that that was like a real thing. Opposites attract and inspired. The thought that a lot of us unfortunately get relationship advice from a dating culture. And so we're learning about relationships from people who when they're thinking about relationships, they're not necessarily thinking about marriage, like we're thinking about. So it's really important that you actually learn about relationships from those people who have the same values as you, whether it be in the religious context, you know, from
a shy or whether it is from people who are specialized in teaching about marriage in particular. Yeah, Inshallah, there's there's a lot to be said about marriage. We just touch the surface. You know, there's so much to be said about. There is a special sign. We're going to have a special session. We want to do it called red sign.
You know, these red signs when you see it. You should be careful with that. If it's an NDA.
intrument if it is your relationship that's something that's very alarming and we have a very specific discussion about red signs
inshallah God thank you very much for being with us tonight