Married Ever After #02 – Principles 1 & 2

Ali Hammuda


Channel: Ali Hammuda


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Alhamdulillah after introducing our session last week, if you remember, we promised that this would be the week where we will start our journey through the principles from the book of Allah subhanaw taala. We're going to cover all in all about 22 principles. So I'm not too sure when we're going to end the series, how many weeks is going to take, but I don't think it will be less than maybe perhaps three months you shall allow Tala perhaps less if Allah places Baraka in the time and effort.

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And what we're going to do is that we're going to divide these 22 principles under four categories. Please take note of it.

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The first category of principles will be titled as Quranic principles

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before marriage, Quranic principles for a couple before they marry. So, these are going to be matters of appreciation

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matters to create an internal shift with respect to your approach towards marriage, we will cover four principles there. Then we will take the second category of principles which will be principles from the Quran for during the course of your marriage. So these are principles to ensure that there is constant growth and flourishing of your marriage.

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Then when we finished with those, we're going to go to the third bundle of principles, which is Quranic principles for marriage when problems arise

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and then we will conclude the series by discussing another three or so principles, Quranic principles if there is a situation of divorce.

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So we have the entire journey covered by the permission of Allah subhana wa Tada.

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So, let us begin with principle number one.

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The fact that there is only maybe six brothers who are writing is it an indication that brothers here feel that they are they have their marriages on lock mashallah, there is no further room for improvement. Congratulations. And maybe you should be sat here because I need advice from you. But the reality is that all of our marriages require improvement, and reparation and advice, especially when it is coming from the book of Allah. So as an ethic and as a rule, the brothers and sisters really bring with you some sort of documentation, the pen a paper, it's like someone who is going fishing and he doesn't bring with him a rod.

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What are you doing there? Right, so you've come to a gathering of knowledge and information, at least try to bring with you a form of documentation.

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By principle number one, this is coming under which category rubella

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Quranic principles before marriage Exactly. The most important principle is the idea from Surah two there yet, principle number one, where Allah subhanaw taala said, Why not Calico,

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Elgin, while Insa Illa Leah Boone, Allah said I did not create Jin kind, and mankind only for the purpose of them to worship me.

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This is the mother of all principles in the Quran.

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Every aspect of life can be traced back to this MCSA this grant objective objective of worshiping Allah,

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including our study of marriage, every other principle of marriage and that we shall cover even the light Allah can be transferred,

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can be traced back to this principle. The objective of worshiping Allah subhanho wa taala. And seeing marriage through this light through this lens, we have been tested by Allah Almighty on this earth with the test of worshiping Him.

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Allah said Alethea holla calm note our hytta Leah blue

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are you commerce and Juan Allah, he was the one who created life and death to test you. Which of you will be best in deed?

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So it's a test who will worship Allah and who will abstain that's the purpose of life.

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And Allah Jalla Jalla who said in Surah, two in southern in hola Cornella in San Amin, no to 13 am charging Nabi tele, we have created man from a drop of mixed fluid so that we may test him.

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Our existence is defined by this test, a test of a bar of our worship of Allah, gender gelato, and a bada is of two types.

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When we say worship in the religion of Islam, it encompasses two broad headings. There is Elijah to Hausa

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specific type of worship,

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or you may call it unlisted act of worship.

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These are the acts of worship that are heavily regulated by the Sharia of Islam.

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Like, for example, Salah, and so Yan and Zack car and Hajj, the five pillars, and the rulings that branch out from the five pillars of Islam, these are listed acts of worship, they are specific, and they are heavily regulated by the Sharia.

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Then you have a second category of worship, which is what a badass

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the general acts of worship.

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These cover things like eating, drinking, sleeping, interacting with people, you can say these are the unlisted acts of worship,

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that are not so heavily regulated by the Sharia, but become acts of worship, if there is the correct correct what the correct near the correct intention attached to them. So what have we established? So far? We have established that the term a bad a worship in the religion of Islam is a broad umbrella.

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It's a comprehensive term that can appease over every aspect of life.

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This is our understanding of ibadah.

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And that is why Allah had gelateria who said hold say to the people, oh Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in solidarity. My prayer was also key, my sacrifice while we're here and my life when I know it, and my death Lillahi Rabbil Alameen they are all for Allah, the Lord of the world.

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So the term a Bader can cover everything.

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And she called Islam even though Tamia has offered a beautiful definition with respect to this term, a bad worship, this relationship that defines you and Allah, what is the definition of it? He says in his book and oboe, the he says la vida to worship is the following.

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And Iberia to here is Simone jammy on liquid Lima you have both Allahu Why are bajo. Meenal awkwardly Well, Ali Al Akbar here. He said, la vida worship is a comprehensive time that covers every verbal and physical action, whether inward or outward. Those actions are pleasing to Allah and beloved to him.

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What is the definition? He says Worship is a comprehensive term

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that covers everything that is beloved to Allah and pleasing to Him, whether verbal or physical, and whether inward or outward, this is a bad

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therefore a bad

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so long as it covers or let us say this, therefore your actions

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so long as they meet two conditions, sincerity and compliance to the prophetic way, this action becomes an act of a by the worship that is pleasing to Allah agenda, Gerardo?

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Why am I mentioning this entire introduction and understanding about a guy that just to say the following, you and I are to see the institution of marriage under the exact same light, it is an act of worship,

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that is pleasing to Allah agenda julabo.

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You understand this brothers and sisters, do you see why we went through this entire breakdown? To get to this one point.

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Marriage is not to be seen like a normal relationship, something you do because everybody else does it. It is primarily an act of worship. Therefore a person who honors his or her marriage is fulfilling part of their purpose of existence, and that is the worship of Allah. And therefore they are establishing a case for gender in the Hereafter. And similarly, someone who Dishonored their marriage and neglected and treats it like any other relationship

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is failing with respect to their purpose of existence, the worship of Allah and is ruining their prospect before the Lord on the Day of Judgment. It's an act of worship. The fact that the Sharia of Islam has regulated many parts of marriage shows you it's not just an average relationship, it is worship. Let me give you examples of what the Sharia has to say about is marriage. And then you tell me whether it's an act of worship or not.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said

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Latin capital, I even had that to start Mar Walla Touka who will be crew had to start then there

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The woman who has not been the woman who has been previously married, she is not to be given in marriage. Only after she is consulted and a virgin girl. She is not to be given in marriage, only after she has given her permission. Look at how the Sharia has to say something about that.

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When it comes to the matters of dowry, Allah subhanaw taala instructs it in Surah to Nyssa and tells you how the dowry should be when it comes to proposing

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the religion has to say something about that law.

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Allah, crypto PTFE none of you should propose to a woman if you come to know that your brother has already proposed to her until he leaves the proposal or he gives you permission to Sharia has to say something about that as well.

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And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Allah Nika elaborately was shy he they added there is no marriage that can happen only if there is a male guardian present Awali and two credible witnesses to see it.

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And then when you look Subhanallah into the rules of divorce so many rules how to do it when to do it when not to do it. You have NaVi Oh Prophet, is that Allah to Manisa tell the Muslims when you will come to divorce your wives for Talia Whoa Whoa Nelly identity when divorce them during their prescribed waiting periods are solid and counted accurately. Lautoka Ito nemen booty nawala Cocina Allahu Akbar to the rest of the area giving the details.

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Therefore, since our religion has so much to say about marriage from beginning right till its end, shows you that it is what it is what my brothers

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It is an act of worship. It is an act of a bad. What is the fruit of knowing all of this? What is the fruit of passing your marriage through this first principle of I have only created Jim kinda mankind so that they may worship Me.

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Like I said, this principle here is not about something necessarily you do. It's about creating a shift seeing your marriage through the lens of worship, what is the fruit of seeing your marriage as an act of worship, you may ask me, and I say to you, there are two key treasures that you reap when you see your marriage as an act of worship.

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The first of them is that you will not allow any of the pains and sufferings or joys and pleasure of marriage to go to waste.

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What does that mean?

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Much like a laborer

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who was working long and grueling hours, say at a factory, but he is working for free. Similarly, a married man or a woman, if they don't see their marriage, as an act of worship, and therefore they're missing out on the correct intention, they are missing out on so many rewards. And they are also working for what are working for free.

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The things that you are otherwise doing as a married man and as a married woman paying the bills and you take care of the ranch and you're cleaning the home and you're taking care of the children, you're preparing the food and you're you're being there for the needs of your spouse, the things that you are otherwise doing what why do it without a reward.

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The suffering that comes with some of the marriages, why take that suffering for free without judgment, and the pleasures that come with marriage? Why enjoy them without a reward?

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And all of that can change so long as you see marriage as an act of worship. That's the first fruits of seeing marriage as an act of worship. You get rewarded

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in everything that you would otherwise be doing in everyday life

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and that's why one of our predecessors even though I'd be jumping around he said why did to know who kinda mean and fuqaha Malays Allah who show who's ill, and your Haleema, nurse and Mahasweta Humphrey, and

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he said, I wish that there could be a group of scholars

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who have no objective in life, other than to sit and to teach people the art of intention setting.

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I wish

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Do you see what he is saying?

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And then he goes on to say because so many people have failed in life simply because they don't know how to set the correct intention.

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So why work for free?

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You're already doing what you need to do as a married man or woman.

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So why allow it to go to waste without agile without reward and accounting in the hereafter where it matters the most? And I love the words of some of this

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coders who said this, try to understand it. They say, Are you bad data to Lindroth? Leti? Are that wha to Lily acaba T I buy that?

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They say

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the worship of the absent minded people

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are habits

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and the habits of the present mind that people

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are worship.

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Did you understand that?

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The worship of the absent minded people, they're just habits. So they're praying, they're fasting and they're doing what they need to do as muslims, but because they're absent minded, it's just become mechanical, it's become a habit and so the reward is not so great, just the habit.

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So the worship of the absent minded they are habits. And then on the flip side, what do they say?

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The habits of the present minded they are what?

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So they are habits. They eat, and they drink and they buy and they sell, they have marital relations, they do what everybody else does in their life. But because they are present minded, they are intentional in what they do.

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It is transformed into an act of worship.

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So this is the first fruit of seeing your marriage.

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As an act of worship, you unlock new opportunities of reward for things that you are already doing.

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And subhanAllah listen to these Hadith which shows you the beauty of our religion, and how it doesn't limit worship to Salah and fasting and a particular demographic in a mosque or Mecca or Medina. It comes into your everyday life. Even if you are not a scholar even if you have not memorized Quran, it just requires the correct intention. Listen to these narrations I share with you. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, the Hadith which Muslim narrates on the authority of Abu Hurayrah he said

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the noun and factor who she said Lila What do you now rune and factor who fear hada What do you now there's a duck Debbie here ILM is skin. What do you now don't and factor who Allah Anik Ah, one who had Euro, a Lady and Dr. Juana SubhanAllah.

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Had he our religion? He said a dinar. This was the currency of the Arabs. The dinar that you spend in the path of Allah,

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or a dinar that you spend to free a slave,

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or a dinner that you spent on a poor person, or a dinar that you spend on your family. He said, the one that will yield the greatest reward in the eyes of Allah is the dinar that you spent on your family,

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though ilaha illallah doesn't this give you so much context to the issue of the rising cost of living that we're experiencing here in the UK, how it's difficult now to make ends meet and the demands of the family seem a lot more difficult to meet and look at how their religion is saying, if you see marriage as an act of worship, this money that you're spending the bills that you're paying, the shopping that you're bringing home.

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This step is step one that you're giving to family sadaqa and it's the greatest sadaqa greater than freeing a slave greater than giving in charity greater than it being in the path of Allah. And all of these are virtuous acts as well by you. That's Hadith number one, Hadith number two,

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the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said

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to Sadiq who caused the Hadith in Sahih Bukhari in lanterns via kanessa Cotton, Debbie tributary, Bihar watch Allah He in that odorata Allah He had deja vu Fifi human artic. Anything that you give, in charity, intending the pleasure of Allah

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will be documented for you as reward including that food that you place in the mouth of your wife.

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Eva, it's an act of worship. And the Hadith in Sahih, Muslim on the authority of a Buddha was he bought a honeycomb sadaqa. He said, even when you engage in marital relations with your spouse, so this is a charity that you've given in the path of Allah to sada sexual intimacy according to the Prophet sallallahu sallam, when it is in the halal it's a sadaqa and the Companions they said

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Yara sube Allah He yet the donor share what the jolla hula hoop your messenger of Allah we're fulfilling our carnal desires and you're seeing we're getting rewarded for it and he said our item nawada If you haram and occasionally he was here for Cadet Nicola water I have inhaler.

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and he kinda what he said is it not that if he was to fulfill his desire in the prohibited way he would be sinful.

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Likewise, if he fulfills His desire in that which is allowed, he is rewarded. So our religion is different.

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Our religion is very different, for example, the old

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church fathers of the Christian religion that saw sexual intimacy, even when it is in the within the fold of marriage, they see it as something inherently evil or filthy, something that shouldn't be abstain from. And this didn't change only until maybe the revolution in the in the 16th century. Up until that look at the works of people like Tertullian and Ambrose, they said that we prefer to see the extinction of the human race, rather than the world populated through sexual intercourse. We'd rather everyone die, then people having to carry that out even if they're married.

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And you have the likes of origin who famously castrated himself before his ordination. And Thomas Aquinas and others have these famous names that are celebrated in the West. Look at what their position was towards these things. It was filthy and dirty and evil should be abstain from they all pretty much said, the early church fathers that living a celibate life is better than having any type of contact with a woman. Our religion doesn't say that our religion says your intimacy with your wife is an act of worship that is pleasing to Allah consider it a charity on your scales.

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Why am I sharing with you with you these durations? Remember the point? What's the point that we're making?

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Yeah, this is coming under which Heidi?

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I wanna say again.

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Yeah, that marriage is an act of worship. And we said, what is the fruit of seeing marriage as an act of worship? We said, number one, what is it?

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Nothing goes to waste.

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The difficulties of marriage, and the joys of marriage, not just the difficulty, the joys of marriage, none of it goes to waste. What's the second fruit?

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You get? Help me out brothers. What do you think a second fruit is?

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of seeing what marriage is an act of worship?

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What would it do for you?

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What would it help you with?

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Exactly. We'll help you with patience. All of a sudden,

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the way that you view marriage has been elevated

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from something mundane and trivial or normal, to something that is divine.

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And therefore that unlocks brand new horizons of cyber patience. Because you no longer seeing this as something that I got to do and everybody else is doing it. You're telling me you are seeing this as an act of worship that involves pleasing Allah glorifying Allah magnifying your Lord. So it gives you huge amounts of patients and unlocks brand new reserves. It does.

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If you wanted to summarize the whole process of marriage in one word before, during and after that word would be southern patients. When you are looking for a spouse, why for a husband and sometimes takes you months, sometimes years until the correct person arrives in your life. It requires patience, and to not go knocking on the doors of the prohibited

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if you go to a family and they're rejecting you left, right and center that requires patience. And that can be very demoralizing. When you finally find the right person, and they're stipulating these massive dowries that you just don't have requirements, patience, something. So then, when your wife is bickering with your mom,

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they just can't get along. What does that require from you? Patience, he wants some so much suffering.

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And then when one spouse is trying to accommodate the other, with respect to their mood, with respect to their poverty, with respect to intimacy, that they may not be feeling at the time they tried to accommodate for the other, they have patients that requires patience.

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When giving up intimacy that evening, to accommodate for your spouse who is not up for it that requires cyber patience, raising righteous children within an environment, whichever institution is looking to snatch away your child from you physically, or ideologically or both. What does that require requires patience, spending on your family at a time of inflation? What does that require? solver patience. Being a homemaker requires patience at a time when everyone is convincing you that you've had to sacrifice the real ambitions in life and now you are sat at home doing what? To combat that narrative as a Muslim woman and requires patience. And then if there's going to be a divorce

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Subhanallah patients saw the costly process in many cases.

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Do not defame your wife or your husband post divorce requires patients to not ridicule one another slander one another, speak ill of one another after you've taken your separate ways, requires patients to not use your children as a weapon against your wife or husband, by preventing them from seeing their parent

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requires patience.

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And what happens when you see marriage under the lens of worship, it opens up a new capability that you never knew you had to be patient and resilient

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and to cope with all of the difficulties that come with some marriages.

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So we promised that we will conclude each principle with a suggested list of actions that can be done to put it into practice. And this one here, I have only created gin kinda unchain so that they may worship Me How can that be plugged into our marriages, practically speaking, the first thing that we can do is not allow the intention to fall asleep.

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Don't allow your knee to ever fall asleep. In everything you do ensure that there is the sap that is that means what expecting the reward from Allah. You've just paid the bill.

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Ensure there's he sat there, I'm expecting the reward from Allah, you've cooked a meal my sister, you've cleaned your home that evening, ensure there is at SAP you've accommodated your spouse one way or another, you smile in their face, there is hisab expect the reward from Allah God, oh God,

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you've been in your tongue, although you really wanted to lash out, ensure there was hisab every step of the way, ensure there is the second thing we can do is gather the family around an act of worship at least once a week. This is our principle that says our purpose of creation is worship. So worship Allah with your family at least once a week and prove practically that it is worship that brings us together.

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So this could be Salah that you do together occasionally, this could be a useful book that you read together. This could be a video that you watch on YouTube have some beneficial material.

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This is principle number one.

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Principle number two, Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who said in Surah Nisa, Chapter Four of the Quran.

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By the way, this is coming under which category

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which of the broad categories is just coming under, let's not forget the macro picture.

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The principles before marriage, so notice, to see your marriage and act of worship, we got to get that in check right now before we get married, to understand what marriage is, is a bad number to

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Allah subhanaw taala said, whatever the name you can meet up and rally law and they meaning your wives have taken from you a

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That's principle number two, they meaning your wives have taken from you a

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covenant, what is the key word in this area?

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Firm covenant? What is the firm covenant in reference to here?

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The covenant of, of marriage. So again, this principle is not about something you necessarily do. It's about creating a shift in perception

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that you see marriage as something Halim something weighty, something worthwhile.

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Marriage is perhaps the most important thing you will do in your life from a legal perspective.

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Probably coming second place to death, changes all sorts of rights and responsibilities and obligations, the moment that contract is made.

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The wedding is different to the marriage. The wedding is that beautiful occasion when everyone is dressed nicely. And there's beautiful food and there's a big cake and gifts and presents and no box gifts, cheeky little messages and the rest of this that's that's called the wedding.

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The marriage that is a mythical evil. That is a solemn contract. That is a strong covenant. And that's different to the wedding. Just because it's a simple exchange. I marry you to so and so and you say a couple to I accept it that takes you three seconds. Don't take it lightly. It doesn't detract from the weight of this marriage. All of a sudden, the moment you say I accept hundreds of rulings have now come into your life and have changed your existence and your relationship with Allah and the relationship with people because of that sentence that you uttered in one or two seconds. It's a firm contract. This expression of firm contract. Firm strong covenant has only

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appeared in the Quran in three different passages in three different contexts. That's it.

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The first time it was

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used was in the context of the children of Israel when we set our aim where Allah subhanaw taala said were put in our home that I do have a Sabbath we said to the children of Israel do not transgress on the Sabbath, what are called non renew home meetapp another lever and we took from them a covenant. That's number one. The second appearance This makes in the Quran is when Allah Almighty said, What is 100 Amina nabina Musa calm and remember when we took the covenant from the Prophets well I mean come on from you Oh Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when we know and from Prophet Noah, what Ibrahim Allah Musa A 70 Miriam and Ibrahim Abraham and Moses and Jesus

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son of Mary. Allah said what covenant Amin home Meath app and Allah Lila and we took from them a firm covenant. That's the second appearance.

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And as for the third and final appearance that this expression makes in the Quran, is where Allah subhanho wa Taala said in the verse that we are studying what Kay feta who know how can you take back the dowry that you've given your wife? What are the Alpha bow do Camila about whilst one of you has gone into the other? What I heard the name you call me, Lila and they have taken from you a covenant

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handler. It is a relationship therefore of like none other. When Allah Almighty the great the most powerful is describing a worldly, earthly relationship as being strong what type of relationship must be. This is key for you and I to be aware of before we come into a marriage to give it the weight it deserves. And so many petty problems are flushed out just by you remembering. This is a very lofty relationship. And I'll give you a few generations to demonstrate just how different this relationship is. And the stakes are high. Just as just are the opportunities.

00:31:59--> 00:32:15

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam made a dua to Allah, the Hadith in sunnah nursery on the authority of Abu Shariah prophets of Allah, Allah he was sending me the dua to Allah and he said Allahumma in me, or her rijo haka, if he led me when Mara, O Allah,

00:32:17--> 00:32:27

de mi, very sinful, that the rights of the two week ones should not be safeguarded, the rights of the orphans and the right of women.

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Oh Allah, I deem it highly sinful, that the rights of the two week ones are not safeguarded, the rights of orphans and the rights of women. So that's with respect to your wife, and then with respect to your husband, you will find similar narration is to show you it is a firm covenant.

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And that is why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he bumped into the auntie of Al Hassan, Hassan a companion

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and she was an elder woman who required some assistance with matters and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam helped her

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and then when they were partying, he asked her a question he said to her, are you married?

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And she said I am. He said to her Keifa anti mineral. Tell me how are you with your husband? How would you behave?

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She said, la Gu ya rasool Allah, he must have that messenger of Allah I tried to give him everything he needs. Only those matters that I really cannot fulfill.

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He said to her from Laurie. I know Auntie meno

00:33:34--> 00:33:55

be very observant. He said to her over how you are with him for in Namo Jana Toki why now? Because he will be your paradise or he will be your hellfire. Han Allah. It's not an average relationship, even though my generation has Sunon on your authority of web alpha. That when why the blue gerbil arrived back at Medina

00:33:56--> 00:34:00

and he saw the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he frustrated to him he did sujood

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and he said to him, yeah, melasma had wide What is this? What are you doing?

00:34:06--> 00:34:18

He said, O Messenger of Allah, I've just come back from a sham. And I saw the Christians prostrating to their religious clergy. So I thought we would like to do the same for you out of respect. He said to him, don't do that.

00:34:19--> 00:34:20

Don't do that.

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But if I was to instruct any person to prostrate to another human being, I would have instructed the wives to prostrate to their husbands.

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If this was going to be the case, and it is not and frustration as Elmo Now we set this up two types. There was a frustration of worship. That's not what we're speaking about here. That's only for Allah in the gelato.

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When you have a frustration, of what

00:34:47--> 00:34:59

of respect, like the prostration of the angels to Adam Alayhis Salam that was not a frustration of worship. It was a frustration of what of respect and the frustration of the brothers of Joseph and his family to Joseph Yusuf alayhi salam

00:35:00--> 00:35:07

was a frustration of worship, no frustration of, of respect, it was allowed in their Sharia. It's not allowed in our Sharia.

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So he's saying if I was prostrate to me, but if I was to permit someone to prostrate ie out of respect to another human being, I would have instructed the wives to prostrate to their husband, because of their because of the magnitude of their right and the responsibility towards them. I'm giving you these durations to tell you what, what's the point I'm making here, my dear brothers, it is a farm covenant, a relationship that needs to be taken seriously.

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Today, however, marriage Subhanallah has no longer become a solemn oath, or covenant, a commitment.

00:35:51--> 00:35:51


00:35:53--> 00:36:04

a non binding non binding agreement between two consenting adults, that you are free to walk away from whenever it's no longer convenient, or a little bit annoying or becoming a nuisance.

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And the legal system is not supporting you much either. Responsible fathers are penalized. And mothers are not encouraged to get married if they are on welfare. And sometimes marriages take place with the assumption that there's going to be a failure by the prenuptial agreement set up by husband and wife.

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And God is taken out of the picture. Society is taken out of the picture. Extended family for the most part is taken out the picture except maybe what they do in the religious place of worship. But that's it.

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This is what marriage has been reduced to today. So the question that poses itself is how come? What happened? Marriage was always a sacred institution since time immemorial. It was always honored by Muslims or non Muslims. Why in the contemporary modern world has there been such a reductive approach towards marriage? How come? Actually, let me ask you brothers, what do you think? What's changed in the 21st century? Well, let's say in modernity, hookup culture,

00:37:10--> 00:37:22

you have the element of identity quality. Very good. What else? Social media, or shamelessness, very good. Feminism absolutely

00:37:24--> 00:37:28

is more important, the individual is more important than the collective very good.

00:37:30--> 00:37:43

I will share with you three reasons that seem to be behind the modern dismissive attitude towards marriage. And this is I'm sure part of the explanation or the entire explanation. First of all,

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the rise of pre marital relationships.

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Sexual intercourse to be specific before marriage

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has a tangible effect on the quality of a marriage when they eventually choose to tie the knot.

00:38:03--> 00:38:16

And there are studies to show with this you have the study of Professor Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist from Utah University. And he found the following in his study, he said

00:38:17--> 00:38:22

that those who have only ever slept with their spouses,

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ie during a marriage, reported to be experiencing very happy marriages. And they reported to have the happiest of all marriages, they scored the highest those who have had no sexual encounter before their spouse, they were at the top of the pyramid.

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And he said the most dissatisfied and upset and most likely to fail in a marriage were women who had six to 10 sexual partners before they eventually got married. They were the lowest and most likely to divorce. And he said it was a trend between both men and women. If you look at the graph, the more sexual partners they had before marriage, the more likely it was that they were going to end up in divorce later on in life, but it does not dip as low as it does with women. For some reason, his findings suggest that women are way more likely to be dissatisfied, discontent and wanting to walk out of a marriage than men, even though it works both ways.

00:39:26--> 00:39:59

And he says that perhaps it is very obvious that the more partners a person has had, the more likely the odds are that they are going to end up in a divorce later on in life and other researchers like Andrew Cherlyn from John John Hopkins University. He's also a sociologist. He says similar matters that those people who showed no interest in sexual contact before marriage meant that they were more likely to offer a commitment to a spouse when they did get married.

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and therefore they were happier.

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Yeah, there's a lot of these studies to suggest that this is the relationship so between premarital relations and the likelihood of a divorce later on in life. So I suggest that perhaps this is number one, or one of the reasons that explains part of the dismissive attitude that people have towards marriage today, because there's so much going on before marriage.

00:40:23--> 00:40:36

Second reason is because of feminism as one of the brothers who said, We cannot pretend as Muslims, we are somehow immune to their narrative, it affects us just as it affects others.

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When you have the likes of Shayla Cronin, who says that the path to the liberation and freedom of a woman is by first abolishing the institution of marriage.

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Marlene Dixon, who also says that the role of a wife is how the subjugation of a woman is maintained.

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And Simone de Beauvoir, the infamous feminist, who wrote in her book, The Second Sex, which is essentially the biblical reference for many feminists today, she writes that marriage is an alienating institution. So, of course, a lot of this is a reaction to their expressions of marriage and injustice, is that happened in this legal system and that social system, not in ours, so perhaps it's understandable why you're getting this extreme reaction. But the point is, these waves of feminism they do affect us. And it does detract from the status of marriage in the eyes of people.

00:41:34--> 00:41:40

A third reason is a none of you mentioned this one. What am I going to say?

00:41:44--> 00:41:44


00:41:46--> 00:41:47


00:41:49--> 00:41:50


00:41:52--> 00:41:52


00:41:53--> 00:41:55

poking fun at marriage.

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joking about it.

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The idea SubhanAllah. More often than not, the husband will mock his wife wife will mock her husband, people will mock the institution of marriage, they say it's a light hearted joke. Take it easy.

00:42:08--> 00:42:10

to the level where now the

00:42:11--> 00:42:17

the, the the comedic trope of marriage is a couple who absolutely hate each other.

00:42:18--> 00:42:56

Right? And subhanAllah we wonder why children will say, I'm never gonna get married. Have you? Have you heard a child who says that before? I never gonna get married? How come? Why? Why am I doing why do you want to get married? Why do you feel the need to announce to the world your intention that you don't want to get married? How come? I mean? What is it? Has this child studied the first, second, third, fourth waves of feminism and the philosophy are not no, no younger than maybe the child has studied the governing laws of marriage. Now the child hasn't done that. So why is the child saying I'm never gonna get married? How come?

00:42:57--> 00:43:10

Simple reason. They've just made a quick observation. And all of the people who are married seem to absolutely hate one another. And all of the jokes about marriage is about hating your spouse. So why would the child want to get married? Why would the child want to do that?

00:43:12--> 00:43:21

So joking, brothers, sisters, please take this seriously. So much garbage and nonsense is normalized via the vehicle of satire. A mockery.

00:43:23--> 00:43:30

Husband is mocking his wife. He's joking about her. You know, my wife is so stupid. She doesn't understand algebra.

00:43:31--> 00:43:52

She's so boring. She never wants to watch cricket with me. Wife, mocking her husband. You know, he's not the alpha male that I was expecting. Right? Ever since he got married. His his side handles are now flowing all over his waist. And his love handles. Before that tough man with marriage. It makes a big fat softy.

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And then her then husband is mocking his wife as well in public gatherings. My wife always nagging they're never happy. They always want more. What can I do? You can't keep up with them. And and then husbands are also walking their wife speaking about how boring his wife is. She's always on her phone. You know, God is what marriage does. We were always speaking to another. We got married. She's now what's on her phone? What message are you sending out to the kids when they hear that? Right? And then the classic joke right? Of a husband and wife planning an outing that does not include the spouse because the spouse is so boring. Can't wait to get away. Right? To do something

00:44:28--> 00:44:31

adventurous and exciting because my spouse is so boring.

00:44:32--> 00:44:36

What message are you sending to your children when they hear they're really

00:44:37--> 00:44:59

and by the way, these jokes are far more offensive to women than they are to men, especially in our society. Because of the amount of bombardment that our women are receiving that you as a homemaker, you've had to sacrifice all of your dreams and ambitions. That's what society is telling her that she gets home. And we are adding and compounding to that. You're just a homemade

00:45:00--> 00:45:01

What do you know at the end of the day?

00:45:02--> 00:45:07

It's, it's hurtful, it's damaging, it has real consequences, brothers.

00:45:09--> 00:45:47

So watch what you say. And what upsets me more is when you see our practicing brothers, sometimes our Messiah, teachers were circulating some of these jokes about marriage. Any one of the brothers who was delivering a seminar won't mention name or city or delivering a class. You know, this is the Islamic method of coaching for marriage, and all of these big titles. And every now and then there'll be a joke about marriage, you know, to lighten up the mood and get people laughing and concentrating again, but at the expense of marriage. And he will say things like, you know, sisters, always keep a passport size photo of your husband in your wallet. Why? Because every time you go

00:45:47--> 00:46:21

through a tough experience in your life, you take out the photo, and you look at it, and you say if I can deal with that, then I can deal with anything else in life. People laugh and joke, you know, it's light hearted, apparently, basically dragging you sending, or this other one that one of our Messiah, and he may Allah preserve him circulated recently, maybe it was a private group and a brother who is going to explain to us the three rings of marriage. Have you seen this one, right, the three rings of marriage, and he's writing on the whiteboard, the first ring of marriage, this is the engagement ring, and then the second ring of marriage, this is the wedding ring, and then the

00:46:21--> 00:46:29

third ring of marriage, and this is suffering. By what really honestly, why? What message aren't you sending?

00:46:31--> 00:46:33

Why would I want to be part of that?

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And what is sad is that this is happening at a time when the opposite of marriage is being glorified and enshrined within law, homosexuality, lesbianism, promiscuity, sexual experimentation is glorified, magnified, encouraged, enshrined within law. And then the only Halal outlet that we have to release ourselves emotionally, physically, is marriage. That only door that we have, we're knocking it down through our jokes. And then you wonder why my kid doesn't want to get married.

00:47:18--> 00:47:24

Delaying, delaying, delaying, delaying, why? Because it's not appealing to them. It's not exciting anymore to get married. Why?

00:47:26--> 00:47:32

Some brothers and sisters, why is marriage sacred? Why is marriage sacred?

00:47:34--> 00:47:35

Because Allah has made it sacred.

00:47:36--> 00:47:38

Because Allah told us that it's sacred.

00:47:39--> 00:47:41

So when you joke about it?

00:47:42--> 00:47:51

What message are you saying about yourself? You know that Allah has made it sacred, you still find it easy to joke about something that Allah deems solemn?

00:47:53--> 00:47:59

And then you will always get the exact same response? Yeah, actually, we're just being light hearted while you take everything so seriously, it's just a joke.

00:48:04--> 00:48:47

I get that. But you're still wrong. I honestly, I really get it. But it's wrong. Because as Muslims, we don't believe, like we do here in the West that comedy enjoys certain privileges. That other type of discourse doesn't enjoy. You know, with comedy, you can, it's a little bit more of a free for all. As Muslims, we don't believe that. Comedy is also within the parameters of religion, like every other type of discourse. And even if we were to say that comedy has certain special privileges, those privileges do not extend to those things that Allah has made sacred. And marriage is one of those things and Elijah and the gentleman who has what has made sacred joke about it and don't mock

00:48:47--> 00:49:05

it. I like the words of James J. Sexton, who was interviewed by a shown him James Sexton, he is a divorce lawyer has been in the field for about 20 years. And Sean ihling. In the interview, he says to him, What advice do you have for people who want to get married?

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And he said three words.

00:49:09--> 00:49:10

He said, Take it seriously.

00:49:11--> 00:49:14

If you want to reword that in Arabic, what would you say?

00:49:15--> 00:49:16

Well, I have no income.

00:49:18--> 00:49:25

They take they've taken from your farm covenant. He said, Take it seriously. And then he said something interesting, baffling at first. He said,

00:49:27--> 00:49:30

Don't think of marriage any differently to how you would think to the purchase of a car.

00:49:32--> 00:49:53

How come? He said unfortunately, some people pay more attention to the buying of their car than they do when they come into marriage. And they do more research into their car than they do into their spouse and the institution of marriage. And then he gives an example he says if you were to ask the average young man, what is your ideal car? You will have it today he will say either Ferrari he will say Lamborghini.

00:49:55--> 00:49:59

But then if you say to that young man that this car will be

00:50:00--> 00:50:14

The first and last car that you will have to the rest of your life. All of a sudden the analysis now is a little bit different. Because the kind of car that you want when you're 20 or 30, he says is a little bit different to the car that you want when you want one or two kids.

00:50:15--> 00:50:30

Right? He says, take it seriously, take it seriously. He is your paradise or hell. My sister and my brother, Allah says they have your wives have taken from you a farm covenant. Take it seriously.

00:50:31--> 00:51:07

Quick question. What are some of the manifestations of people who don't take marriage seriously who do the opposite of this principle? What modern day examples do we have? I'll give you a few very quickly. Those who are throwing around the word of divorce right, left, right and center. Like today I was in a marriage case and I said to her how many times has your husband divorced you she said I have lost count. Tripled Tala quadruple Talaq uppercuts, hoax, everything coming my way. I've lost count. She said so many. And you don't need to intensive three triple dial up each time is this a person who has taken the covenant of oath, the covenant of marriage, a serious and weighty.

00:51:09--> 00:51:30

Similarly, a woman who's constantly threatening I'm going to apply for a holiday I'm going to apply for a Hola. Whilst this is a valid door that's open for us when needed, but constantly throwing about in this disrespectful manner shows that you have understood that this is a firm covenant. That's one example. Example number two, unfortunately, some of the dodgy sharia councils that are out there here in the UK,

00:51:31--> 00:51:37

who guarantee that we can separate your wife from you in 48 hours. Just pay the fee.

00:51:38--> 00:51:42

One sister recently who said that I was divorced from my husband just by email.

00:51:43--> 00:51:45

This Sharia Council she said

00:51:46--> 00:51:53

no face to face, no zoom, no nothing. By email just communication. And it was done. They gave me the divorce certificate.

00:51:55--> 00:52:00

Is this a city council that understands that this is a firm covenant that you've just broken down? How?

00:52:02--> 00:52:24

Or I said I counsel that say we don't need to speak to the husband or wife has applied for a hold on obviously we don't need to contact the husband. Just let us hear your version of the story. What about his version? Next thing he knows he's married to another man what happened? My wife is married other man. Yeah, but we've we've divorced, why didn't you reach out to me? We don't need to how Allah says we've taken from you a firm covenant. How can you dissolve it in that way? This is a farm covenant.

00:52:26--> 00:52:36

That's another example. Another example could be another example could be the interfering in people's marriages to break them down.

00:52:38--> 00:52:52

Lisa Mina, Madhava Murata and others of jihad. The Prophet sighs in them said, any woman or any person who incites a woman against her husband is not from us.

00:52:53--> 00:53:03

How can you interfere in a relationship in this way to separate them from one another? When this is a mythical either a firm covenant that you're interfering with, right?

00:53:04--> 00:53:12

Another example could be of somebody who comes into marriage, and they don't know the mutual rights and responsibilities. They just fell in love. So they they quickly got married.

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But they don't know the rights of a husband and the rights of a wife, the expectations and the roles and what Allah wants from both. You do a lot more due diligence when you take out the mobile phone contract. What about this firm covenant, we have not taken it seriously. These are four or five examples of how this principle is not applied. Finally, putting this principle in practice, in the remainder of the minute or two that we have together. One way could be to raise awareness. So parents speak with your children about marriage, and use positive terms. Use exciting terms.

00:53:49--> 00:53:52

Tell them about the good things that marriage offers.

00:53:53--> 00:54:20

prepare them for the weight, that the weighty contract that's ahead of them that comes with a responsibility but comes with an enjoyment and happiness. Show them that show them the bright sides of your of marriage, through your behavior through your example and through your words, teachers, with your students, parents, with your children, anybody who's under your influence, raise awareness about the importance of marriage and the enjoyment of marriage and the weight of marriage.

00:54:21--> 00:54:39

The second thing we can do is to make a commitment to complete the series we said this series will be a little bit long, make a commitment to complete it to show Allah that I am taking this firm covenant seriously. And my commitment is that I will complete the study of this firm Covenant as a minimum.

00:54:41--> 00:54:49

And the last thing we can do is end all forms of mockery that is directed at the institution of marriage.

00:54:51--> 00:54:54

That was on the lower end Amina Muhammad will handling