Home Stay Home – Be Part of the Solution

Alaa Elsayed

Channel: Alaa Elsayed

Topics: Coronavirus

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Keeping faith in you through testing times.

Episode Transcript

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Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam O Allah wa Salaam Alaikum salaam aleikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh, my divas Islam and welcome back to another episode of by staying home. And there's after difficulties, there's ease and the hardship indeed will go away. And since we are being together, we have talked about a lot of things that how to keep your state pleasant and keep your marriage alive and so on and so forth. I'm loving I love this uncle for for doing this. And well bless you for bringing this

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into your home. Again, this is brother Allah coming to you live from Canada. And I think brother Reed and brother Rahim, and everybody from uncle for volunteers to made this possible

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for time and joining us this morning here in Canada, and whatever you are in the world, according to your time, today's topic that y'all are going to talk about being part of the solution, we talked about how to actually deal with anger management, and so on and so forth, talked about certain ways to handle about the, even the secrets and, and so on how to deal with the children how to deal with the parenting, I'll deal with the marriage in itself and so on in these difficult times. Today, talking about being part of the solution, we're going to talk about certain issues that concerns that to deal with in marriage, and also what are the symptoms about it and how to solve it. So I'm

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gonna, again, go back to the book that this was compiled by the blessing of almost apologetic happily ever after, it is actually a segue of the home to the home, the original Candela, and it's taken a little bit of parenting matters into it. So inshallah we will talk about that a little bit later. And hopefully, we can even go into eternal home. So especially when it comes to the spiritual aspect of Ramadan, how to stay away from Hellfire as a family and how to go to Paradise together until after a long, healthy life just like that. So we're going to talk about a few things, concerns they, usually when I have with a deal with the people, I usually tell them, number one, when the

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couple comes to me in the office and says, you know, prioritize your concerns, issues, and work on them one at a time. Why? Because if you're gonna bring me the dirty laundry, tell me you know what, I've been married for X amount of years. And here are the problems begin to dig more. And what happens is actually triggers all the bad memories, which is not very helpful for a healthy conversation. Because right now, as soon as you start hearing all the problems you've had, your defense mechanism goes up, you're not interested to really hear what's going on, you're really preparing a defense for the amount of attacks that you're getting, and you're getting bombarded. And

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basically, it's survival mode. So you're not interested to solve it right now. You just want to stay alive. And once the couples do that, and it becomes a courtroom. it's it's a it's a lose lose situation. It's not a win win situation. So I tell them, Listen, just give me one thing at a time, I know you have a laundry list, again, addresses them, and I don't have a magic wand. So please, let's talk about one thing at a time. So I usually tell the couple Tell me one thing, my dear sister, if this brother fixes, you'll be happy. And I do the same with the brother. So they have a priority list. And we will work on it. Because if I go through the whole thing, first of all, it's defeats

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the purpose, it gets you back into the hole reminds me of the negative and you're automatically starting off on the wrong foot. So I highly recommend not to do that. So the first thing I'm going to ask you to do is to get a priority list and give me one at a time or deal with it. If you have your own email me or Geoffrey counselor. If not, then you can do this on your own. So first thing I'm going to ask you is Please take it one at a time, just say you know what, this is the number one on my list and so on so forth.

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When I talked to the couple, I said Listen, if you come to me with all the problems, you part of the problem, but if you come to me with a solution, you're part of the solution. And this doesn't help anybody in order for you to start, you know what? I'm here to prove that I am right and I'm an angel. And I can do no wrong and everything that is wrong with this marriage is my spouse. That's a totally different attitude. And no one can claim that because we're all human beings we all make mistakes and they rates that

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every human being makes a mistake and they sent the hydro hopper in it's our own the best of those who make mistakes and sin. Those who repent and come

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back. So no one can claim that they're not a human and we don't make mistakes and light it would not be walking on this earth. So keep that in mind. So the number two thing I asked the couples to do is give me a suggested solution. So for example, I have a concern. And we dealt with this before we said, Please do not point the finger, anyone, don't say it's you. I love you, honey. But this your behavior, I'm sure by now you got the idea that you can differentiate between the person and the behavior. So you're gonna tell me, here's my concern, right? Because we've talked about it before, if you tell me, here's a problem, that means we could not find a solution for that becomes a

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problem. But you're gonna come up with the word, here's my concern. Here's the issue I need to discuss. And on top of that, you're gonna tell me, you know what, and here is my suggested solution. Again, that means you can kind of come apart to the solution, not the problem. And number three, is, here's a game plan

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to implement the solution, not just the solution is all yours. That is the five Why's the W's, the who, where, when, what and why. So you're going to tell me that and you're going to come up with a solution. Together Charla so we're going to talk about the SMART goals, and the smarter goals. And obviously, some of you are in business. And you know what, what this means, obviously, the specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, or relevant, timely, the ER now is beautiful, and rewardable. And I asked for written I understand sounds like an art. But I realized that such with a W. But that's what I'm going to ask you to do. If you don't know what the smarter goals are, go ahead and check

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sous chef Google, they will help you out. So you can do that. So number three is a game plan for implementation of suggestion. And number four, is best of all is how I can help you to implement the solution. So these are the four points I'm going to ask you to do. Again, I'm going to repeat them. The first one is going to give me a brighter list of that, what is the most important issue that you want to deal with it and not a laundry list? Number two is the suggested solution. And number three, is a game plan to implement it and number of words, the most important is here, I'm going to help you to implement this solution. Okay, so now this once you have that,

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you need to train and I want you to do this in front of a mirror before you talk to your spouse, and you look at your face when you're speaking because if you're going to get angry, and all of that stuff, it's going to reflect it's a mirror effect. So you're gonna go in calm when you're ready. And remember, we talked about all these issues, when you have a good time, when you're not worried about certain things in your good mood, and you're not going to be missing out on your favorite show or favorite game or whatever it is, that is holiday entertainment. Don't do that now we need to train ourselves. And by the way,

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lower than Alexa from all of you and make the summer garden especially if it isn't needed, especially one, it is

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going to give us a little more time for the iPad where you're going to capitalize on the opportunity and utilize that time to maximize the potential of you're coming close to a loss. Hopefully we'll talk about it next time.

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So the example of giving you a honey I love you but is your behavior is unacceptable. So we've talked about this before I'm gonna put some of the the specialist in the field

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and hopefully it will, it will help you to get through this inshallah. So it is rare for the couples that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. Very rare. I mean, there's no one here if you're married, you'll know what I'm talking about. I even talk to the couples when they get married. It's in the booth theories exactly that both theory both is that the marriage in the ocean of life there's high winds and high waves there's no smooth sailing here. Yes, don't expect to have a smooth sailing, you're not even Prophet Mohammed Salah

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has smooth sailing because he was the best of creation. And it was confirmed he left his wives for a whole month. And I still feel the reverse that came down to be revealed in the Quran to recite to be recited till Judgment Day. The loss of idols Allah give Prophet Muhammad says I'm to go ahead and tell you wives, give them a choice between if you want to stay with me if you want this dunya whatever. And you know what, here you go, but if you want the love, hereafter and so on, so they were given a choice whether to stay or be let go. So don't think that you're the only one here? No, there's, we're all in the same books. This person teaches us stuff I go through it myself. When I

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speak of a high horse, right? We're just telling you, here's the facts, we are human beings, we are bound to make mistakes. It is your attitude, how to deal with it with your, your issues and concerns is going to make it or break. Okay, so we talked about anger management last time or now we're talking about the solutions. So we are going to recognize that we do have some issues that you deal with, and some relationship may be a concern.

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of how to deal with them, and how to deal with them in the past, we will learn from that

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history that we have done well, this doesn't work, this works, and so on. So, we're going to talk about some of the ups and downs of the relationship. We're also going to talk about some of the successful marriages that took place and how the complex issues became easy after a certain ways that you deal with it, and after some training, and inshallah, we will be dealing with one issue at a time. The first one I want to talk about is communication. It is one of the most important issues that you need to work with this person, of course, communication and water, water University. And again, the professor told us a few things, the beginning of the course. And he says, if you do these

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things, I can give you your certificate.

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So you know what, square your shoulders straight icontact, lean forward, nod your head once in a while, repeat some of the stuff that the your partner's speaks about. And make sure to reiterate to confirm that this and this and that, don't interrupt, and he gave us a long list of things to do it. If you get what I just told you, we can leave that I can give you that, obviously, you have some training material, we've gone through some workshops, and so on so forth. But communication is a key, one of the most important of all.

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So you need to learn how to communicate with one another and you need to learn each other's keys. So relationship problems stems from poor communication, I can tell you that. According to some of the experts in the field, it says you cannot communicate while you're checking your Blackberry, that's a lot right now. Or you're watching your TV and you're flapping on the keys. And it's difficult for you brothers and sisters, especially lovers, I have to admit, we don't have a communication skills that women do, because of the the secrets we're talking about. Again, when it comes to the menus and the left side of the brain woman using the right side of the brain. And the valve that actually

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attaches both of them, women do have a larger valve that touches both of them. So they can multitask a little bit or move from one side to the other a little bit easier. And they communicate in a verbal manner in which they can actually

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elaborate on what they want are the feelings and emotions in eloquent way to verbally tell you how they feel. Men, we make little more noises.

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So it is difficult for you to do so especially my brothers sisters, when you're watching your TV, when you're watching your you're getting your emails, you're looking at your laptop or looking at your your cell phones and all of that stuff. So please, I'm going to ask you again, I'm going to give you a reminder of the solution we talked about a while back, when you come home, my brother says I want you to have a box outside at your entrance. So as soon as you come from that home, I want that whatever gadget that is going to distract you, I want you to put it in that box. When you leave your house, take the gadgets, whatever it is that you're using for your social media. Unless

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you're a doctor or you're on on call, I understand. But if you're not pleased, this is a time for your family unless you both have a certain thing that you we talked about the Maya theory, that this is your downtime, I suspect that this is your time you can do whatever you want with it.

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So the communication skills is the first one that we have to deal with. And it says inshallah so so here's the issues of solving the strategy. First of all, it's going to make an actual appointment with each other. So I want you to go on your Google Calendar and set an appointment that I've talked about this before, even my wife, she has access to my

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accounts, and she did book herself. And that's what I come up with them. I have theory right? My time, your time, our time, family time, I learned that from her. I learned the hard way. She was trying to give me a hint. And that's what we need to do in order for us to talk. So she booked herself into my calendar appointment.

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So I want you before your wife does I want you brothers give her a nice surprise. Now you know what, let's talk about this. What's a good time for you. And I'm sure we have plenty of time on your hand now. So we can do this. So we're going to take out all you're going to think you do if you want to keep your cell phone for emergencies. Just keep it on silent, or vibrate whatever it is. So there's nothing to distract you. I want you to get rid and not get rid of the kids. I want you to put the kids aside and let somebody else look after them. Or somebody else picks up your voicemails or calls or whatever it is delegate that responsibility. If you cannot communicate without raising your

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voice, go to a public spot like a library for example, if possible, and if it's permissible, permissible for you or a park or restaurant, why? Because you're going to be embarrassed to scream

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at each other. So I know I'm putting you on the spot but that's what the experts say. So please do your

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To entertain that inshallah. So what we have to do here is to make sure that we understand that this is something that we have to try, we can get it right in the beginning is training job, and then set up some rules. So for example, no interruption,

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right. So you cannot use Are you done, you always this or you never that. So we're not going to start with anything that's going to be harmful and regret later on. So please make sure that you're very careful what you say and decide. We're also going to look at our body language.

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Our body language, as I mentioned to you earlier, you're leaning forward a little bit more icontact is there to show respect that you focus in on them. Nothing is direct to you are the most important thing to me right now. Let's concentrate on this. Okay, so as I said, not a little bit to understand, reiterate some things. Let me let me get this straight. Is that what you're saying? Let me just confirm that this is what he meant. Okay. So, for example, we can also say, what I hear you saying is this, that you feel as though that they have more chores, and so on. So if you're right, we can we, both of us confirm the fact that we can do 123. Okay, so what you really meant is a

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you're

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a slob and you create more of me haven't worked to pick up. So this is the idea of how to choose your words, and or also, not harmony. So if you can tell me the yo yo Slava can pick up your clothes and all of that stuff, that's bad. So what we can do is, you know what he or she can say about so in a nicer way, honey, I love the way you decorate the room with with your lovely t shirts all over the place. But I would certainly appreciate it if we can do 1234. So this is something that we can train on. The second issue that we're going to deal with in Sharla is also sex and understand that, especially people in the UK

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Oh my god.

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Okay, so, intercourse. How's that? Because I was told you this don't I don't say that would say is sexual intercourse, our intimate relations? Are you happy? Now? What? All right. So okay, so even a partner's who love each other, can mismatch in when it comes to sexual intercourse? It is true. The reason I say that, my brothers and sisters is number two reason for divorce. And it's number one on the man's list, I'm going to be as I said, loves off. And research shows that 89% of men 89% of men,

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they say this is the only reason they get married.

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So if that doesn't raise a flag, I don't know what. So please understand that is extremely important. Don't belittle it.

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Like I understand that women are emotionally based men are physically based, we get the secret, really up and running. But we also have to understand that we need to talk about the North Pole and the South Pole, we talked about the secrets before. If the man wants to have the intimate relations, you have to go to the heart, right? My brothers is the North Pole. And if the woman wants to get to the North Pole, you have to go south pole. So you have to really work together on this one, understanding each other's views. And how even allows a panel Jennifer Modi and my brothers to see for themselves, even some of the scholars say this is your fault. But you know, we don't expect to

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drive a car and go in fifth gear in overdrive right away. gonna warm up the car with first gear, second gear, third, fourth, and so on. So please keep that in mind. And I've given you examples before how to use the word DS theory, right?

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I want you to think about it like, you know, shopping for the sisters out, they like to browse, or to like do and so on. And so take their time before they actually commit and they buy something as opposed to customers shopping for us as we know exactly what we want, we go in and get it get out. And that's the s3 so please think about this for you in sex, yes, for shopping. And that's how you can actually do so. So sex is bringing people closer, it releases obviously some hormones to help both bodies and physically and mentally to keep the chemistry healthy between couples healthy lifestyle. So don't belittle it. It is a happy hormone, whether you like it or not, whether it is

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your testosterone that is your oxytocin do all these things that helps you to come closer and bond. And I always told them that the couples what's the difference between you and every other sister out there. You're the only one that is hard for him to have intimate relations with. So if you're going to take that away from something that is extremely important to men, and again, I'm taking the gloves off and we're just going to talk to deal with issues because if you're not doing

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I look after them physically and mentally the chemical imbalance and the the anger rises and the resentment rises. And now he looks for other means that will push them to do some either how long things are yet to protect us all from that. It doesn't help very much. So now you become

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a source of mystery and I told the sisters, please forgive me allows apologetic because you are the source of peace and tranquility. Yes, this guru says you are the source of peace and stability for the for them. And so please ask yourself if that's the case or not. And I talked also the men, you cannot mistreat your wife all day

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on Twitter when improper and you want to be intimate and more lovey dovey and emotional with her at night and be intimate with her, it's very difficult. So as I said, foreplay doesn't mean that you've hopefully just before your intimate relations, I said, four plays takes all day. You know, it's a beautiful text, a beautiful flower, a beautiful poem, some chocolate, I noticed on the fridge, breakfast in bed, I'm thinking of you a wink a hug, a kiss, a touch a look, all of that all the way through the whole day, in order for you to be able to have a beautiful evening Charla, that's what I'm

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alright, so we're going to do a little bit of change, you know what we're going to make sure that the children go to sleep at eight o'clock at night. That's it? Yes, depending on the age, of course, I understand that. But now, this is your time. Now, you know, you've been working hard, you've been preparing this and you're getting a food ready or the shopping, whatever it is, you both work in whatever it takes. But now after eight o'clock, the children are in bed and they have to get there consistently. No exceptions, because they'll push your buttons and they will know your limits, and they'll push push boundaries. So please make sure that you are firm on this walk the talk, let me

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know what you say and say what you mean. And that's what I'm going to recommend. Please make sure that you have time for yourself, you understand that the libido goes down after that there's a certain things you know, the boredom and after all the difficulties of the actual energy that you spend looking after the children. You don't have it at night, you're tired, I understand that and keep that in mind. My brother, especially if your wife is you know, works and also looks after the show. So please make sure

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you know you look after certain things and in a way that you're looking after yourself. Also, okay, so if you have it and I've asked you know, the use things on the calendar and

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book it and all of that I don't want it to be that systematic but at least if you get into a certain rhythm you know, a certain expectations. And I think Lily my cat is saying Salaam to you, brother sister.

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Okay, so so for changing a little bit about you know, your, your intimate relations have a little fun and games a little more. You know, why don't we try something new, a different place to get out of the monotony. You know what, just keep the fire alive, different spark look at certain things in a different way. So I want you to make sure that when it comes to sex, I say gloves are off. As long as it's Hillel. I don't have any limits any boundaries. And we know that we're not allowed to do two things

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when it comes to the time of menses and

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again,

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anything else is call us a woman full of knowledge of the opposite of that Almighty says that we're Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam said we're not allowed to do stupid things. I mean, everything else is allowed. So I'm getting usually questions about is oral sex allowed? below one so if we say that, I mean, living here now I'm again and I'm not gonna stick my head in the sand and say that's not happening. Everybody knows about it.

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So if everybody else has

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voted, and you come to the Hillel source, oh my god, this is where we say Alhamdulillah Bismillah What does that have to do with anything?

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So you have to look after each other what I'm trying to tell you is you're a young lady in public and you know, I'm done with that. But in bed, gloves are off you are each other's fantasies, you are going to be each other's stars. You're going to be you're you're looking at whatever rules whatever. You just need to talk and communicate to one another number one right communication. You know what, here's what I like, a little more of this little this little less of that this work, this doesn't work. So you need to guide especially for the sisters, you need to help us poor guys, we think that we know what we're doing. We do. We don't know what we're doing. So you need to help us okay. And

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it's like a jungle, right? We don't know,

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the big O and the big G and all of that lovely letters that are coming up now. So I need to get into this so you know what you need to help us and don't be shy. Please don't be shy. This is something that 100% as a matter of fact, it is rewardable sadaqa

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Yes, that is so. So why, you know, as I said earlier in another episode, if you have the time, and how did I get closer, I have more data, and so on. And before I'm done, yeah. Because you're gonna be restricted on time. So do so. So you have a few things to talk about the fantasies, talk about your dreams, look at anything else. If it doesn't work, I want you to look for the seek for professional help. It doesn't matter, look for certain things that would help your,

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your intimate relations. When it comes to this, I'm going to repeat these make sure that your children looked after you have your own time. This is now whatever, you can just hold hands, hug, watch something together, read a book together, read a menu with a different way, look at what that doesn't matter. But you need to take care of the children and take care of your My dear sister, I recommended in one of the forces that you know, cooking Volk, so you don't have to worry about you being in the kitchen, or even a brother. He's the one who's cooking all the time. So this is time management, right? Remember the four DS do delegate, delete, delete, so I'm gonna manage my time in

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order for me not to be tired all the time, I'm gonna separate them. And now I'm gonna, because when I when the sisters come and tell me, I don't have time I bring the list of what things you do. And most of the time, they don't manage their time very well. They're too busy doing things that they don't have to, or too much surfing too much, or whatever. And all of a sudden, it's crunch time. And I get a look after this.

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So if you manage your time better, by all means, feel free. So please also understand another issue that we have to deal with here is the pregnancies actually hosts libidos the libido is or

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keeps things going the hormones up and down and get them aroused. When they're when women are pregnant, actually,

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it goes down. So it can have an effect, unfortunately, on our our intimate relations. So keep that in mind brothers, also have the stress, the stress factor is extremely important. The experts will tell you that stress is a killer. It will take your testosterone level down and your sexual drive down and everything else that you do. So I want you to talk about what actually stresses you out? Is it your finance? Is it your job? Is it your relationship? Is it something that you will look for, I want you to look at root cause analysis. So please make sure that you understand that you need to look at what makes your stress and how you're alleviate that. It would be the best way to look after

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yourself for both of your children.

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They also need to talk about the evolution of the relationship in itself. Once you realize and recognize that the love life is not what it seems to be, you need to

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to address the issues and you need to talk about what we have to talk about. Remember, set a time scheduled mean, communicate and talk about it. Honey, I'm here for you. You hear from me? What would be the best? And how what do you like what you don't like? And we take that again from us. Right? How about his wife A long time ago?

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I don't know you and you don't know me?

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Please tell me what you like. So I will do and tell me what you don't like I will not do so let's take that aspect in Tibet, not just medication in life, just take that the same thing to all right. So if you want, I want you to go on dates, I already told you the theory is the same. I want you to bond rendezvous is now. So take take your wife. And as I said you don't have to go to a fancy restaurant are expensive places. Remember, I repeat, my brother told me that again. It's not that beautiful places that makes the memories. It's the memories that makes places beautiful. It's the time when you talk about when you go out these items to understand that you have to invest in this

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relationship. And if you start taking things for granted, and you know what, whether you like it or not, you're going to

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diminish this bond. And all of a sudden, you're gonna go and steal your, your now you're laxed about it. And you're complicit. Plus, this is what it is okay, you don't want to Yeah, we're getting older honey or No, don't do that one. Because it's the downward spiral you're not it's very difficult to come out of a job. So please make sure you have healthy, intimate relationship with each other. Make looking after the children and you need if you know what I know the scholars say even gadgets or toys, whatever it is, Helen. Yes. So I know it's an X rated the opener today.

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So as I said, Whatever it takes as long as we already told you to do things you're not allowed to do anything else other than that. It's permissible, a lot.

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Okay, so we need to find a little bit of a good memory leak. Talk about when we first met each other. Go on

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The first time How did you feel? If you come into my dreams? What will you see all of this stuff that we talked about in the end of the home sweet home, remember those questions and we had a competition between the couples. And that was really, it did help and it will help you. Okay, so please make sure you understand that a healthy such a diverse life, sexual intimate relations life is a healthy for relationship and healthy for couples, indeed, there's no way you can do this. And there are ways that you can maintain this beautiful drive and keep it alive after having children. There are ways we can do this. So it doesn't have to do to go away when you have children, it's a

00:30:39--> 00:31:02

blessing Alhamdulillah. So before we we go over to a little bit of more details about it, we need to understand that you have to have your time management, extremely important. I'm going to remind you again of the four DS, do delegate, delete, delete, and the big rock theory, the big rocks theory is simple. And I'm sure you know it. If we have a thing.

00:31:04--> 00:31:06

And we open it, and I'm gonna put

00:31:08--> 00:31:34

big rocks here. And I know you know that theory, but just reminder. is a full it's not for pebbles, put the pebbles Javid is a full No, it's not a good sand. Is it satisfied? No, you can put water, there's a full Yes, it is take everything out. And now put water in here is a full Yes. That means you need to go on the D one before like I mentioned earlier, so the big rock is d one.

00:31:36--> 00:32:19

Other than not your pebbles is d two, your sand is d3, your water is d four, I want you to delete D for anything that doesn't really pretend to you are going to make your life better or it's not on your vision or your mission statement or even your goals. You need to delete it. What does that mean? You learn to have to learn to say no. That's what this means. So first of all, we're going to have to plan the date in advance. And I want you to alternate. Well, you know What honey? To turn, what would you like to do tonight? So you're going to have to make sure that the sister picks first, this what I would like, Okay, fantastic. Let's have let's make it happen. And the second time it's

00:32:19--> 00:32:45

your turn. Well, I'd like to do this this time. And surprise her, give her something that is new all the time. And as I said, doesn't have to be expensive places. But indeed, you can make sure that at least something that you know each other now you've been together for a while, you know what, you know, it makes her happy, it doesn't make her happy, and so on with it with your husband also. Alright, so we also gonna number two is on the list is make sure that the children have been looked after, you can call in the

00:32:47--> 00:33:28

grandma, or the grandpa to look after them or look after anybody that will look after them. Just make sure that you don't talk about the children, you don't talk about the problems when you are out on a date. Okay, so number three, please make sure that the children do not sleep in your bed, don't get them started. And if you're going to start in this way is going to be very difficult to get them out. So one of the rules is you have your big child, which is your husband? Yes. Let's see, first, we talked about that before, has to be in bed, no other don't compete. So make sure that there's separation. They don't come into your bed to allow them that it would actually address your

00:33:28--> 00:33:38

marriage. So please make sure that prevention is better than cure, don't start them and don't let them get used to it. Otherwise it's gonna be a hindrance in the future. Number four.

00:33:39--> 00:34:03

All right, so I asked for you to add surprise, it's, I'm not gonna go any deeper than that. But I already hinted and alluded to, that you can get you roleplay each other's fantasies, gadgets, whatever it is, but you need to surprise each other otherwise monotonous will will kill it. So you don't want this whole home anymore. floss. Oh, yeah, this is okay, I want

00:34:05--> 00:34:05

to do something

00:34:07--> 00:34:15

to, to spark this relationship. And they make sure that your intimate relations are always

00:34:16--> 00:34:31

hamdulillah very healthy for a healthy marriage. Alright, so number five is to make sure you take time for yourself. So as I talk about it, it's covered by the Mayan theory. So that should be an issue for you because you've already been doing this but hamdulillah

00:34:32--> 00:34:38

another issue that we are talking about here is money. So that's number one reason for divorce.

00:34:40--> 00:34:59

especially nowadays, we're having issues with the money and when it comes to loss of a job or the world economy and all of these issues. So please don't be little this one either. So I'm going to ask you to look at to a certain strategy. First of all, the first one is be honest about your current financial situation.

00:35:00--> 00:35:17

Don't stick your head in the sand. And if you don't have a budget, get one. If you don't have one, get get somebody to help you through it. Talk to a creditor, talk to a counselor, a financial expert, or someone that will help you through it and analyst, anybody that will be able to help you, there are plenty of gadgets.

00:35:18--> 00:35:38

You gotta go line by line, here's what the expenses are, here's what my income is, here's my 30%, for the bones for the house and all of that stuff you need to learn about. If it doesn't work for the sisters, I want you to go back to the envelope theory, which means what no credit, that's it, we can get a prepaid credit card,

00:35:39--> 00:35:57

or just use a debit card, or cash, maybe you're not using cash right now, because of the will go through whatever it takes. What I meant by that is I want to buy a TV, for example. So I'm going to write a TV on the letter, see what TV the TV cost 1000 bucks or

00:35:58--> 00:36:03

700 quid, whatever it is, whatever your, your your country.

00:36:04--> 00:36:22

So the currency is there, and I'm gonna, as soon as I get that, now I have it, I go ahead and buy it, I don't have it, I don't buy no credit, don't go into debt. As I said, number one reason for divorce is financial. So please make sure you understand that. So please take care of using it. So

00:36:24--> 00:36:49

I don't want you to talk about it in the Battle of your booth, up in upper arms, and you're curious, you see written and so on. So you need to acknowledge each other's concerns, I need to talk about a week, Not I, it's us, it's ours, it's we can do this. And again, clean slate, don't hide anything, just come come clean. This now, you know what I surrender?

00:36:50--> 00:37:12

I give. And please don't blame each other for anything. Again, it's not the blame game anymore. As I mentioned, one finger two words, the abusive spouse read towards you. So it doesn't work that way. So please, we have to have a constructive criticism to each other in a way that we are looking to help one another and come up with a budget. That includes your savings you need to

00:37:13--> 00:37:53

the experts will tell you to save three to six months of expenses. May Allah protect us all from that just in case anything happens. And you need to make sure that you also look and even if you debts you need to do your homework. Is it the ambulance theory? Is it the snowball effect? Are you going to take care of the smallest debt that you have first, to make a few better psychologically, we can look at the avalanche theory, which is the highest interest or the way that I'm going to take it out to give that first and so on and so forth. So these are the issues that we're going to do, please make sure that your financial aspect of your marriage is crucial for a nice, prolonged happy,

00:37:54--> 00:38:32

stress free. And this is going to affect also the second level talked about before about your intimate relations, and so on and so forth. So please make sure don't, don't take that lightly. look for solutions, get an expert involved, and so on and so forth. And make sure that you know, you stick this if I want to buy that dress, for example. And my as my salary or whatever it is only this or even my allowance from this much like it's close to $300. And I only get $100 a month, that's going to take me three months in order for me to pay for that dress. And that's so on so forth. So make sure that we look after it and don't stick your head in the sand address. It is extremely

00:38:32--> 00:38:41

important. Okay, don't take things for granted. All right. The other issues we're going to talk about yours just struggling over the house chores. I mean, they're easy. My wife and I we agreed

00:38:42--> 00:39:21

to take care of the house. Yeah, so I'll do the show on the snow cutting the grass, all the all of this stuff. Whatever it takes from the outside, I'll take care inside she looks after however, I buy the blessing of Allah. It's the sooner I help my wife now stores because this prophet Mohammed salatu salam did, and immediately I used to help no stores. So what does that mean? I'm asking you to quit your job and help your wife. No, it scholars actually say when you see what, anything at home, you're simply going to ask her if you need help with this simple gesture. If she needs help or help her you will get rewarded. I personally don't ask when I see something that needs to be done,

00:39:21--> 00:39:24

do it. But if she does ask

00:39:26--> 00:39:42

me if I can do it, I will let her know that I will make an appointment or make a list of You know what, I will help you with yours. I have to finish this whatever course person, whatever, I'll come back after that you need to communicate with each other when it comes to this. So I've been talking a lot. Excuse me one second touch each other for

00:39:50--> 00:39:59

Thank you. We're back. Okay, so when it comes to the house chores to get these make sure that you're talking about, you know what, honey, I'll take care of this. You take care of that. So this is

00:40:00--> 00:40:09

Indeed, I'm going to tell you, I am here for you, I'm your partner, we're in this together and everything else together. So please, very easy and simple. And another issues or concerns that we're gonna talk about here

00:40:11--> 00:40:32

is not making your relationship a priority. You know what, I take my wife from brand, I take my husband, what happened here. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love them. No, but we just the relationship loses its its spontaneity, it's, the spark is gone, we take it, as you know,

00:40:33--> 00:40:46

she's my wife, she won't get mad, oh, she's my is my husband, and you love just that. Don't do that. Please don't take it for granted. And these are the some of the strategies that we do. So you can show your appreciation, complement each other. It is as soon as they say, man can't even believe what

00:40:48--> 00:41:28

you believe in Allah, and the last day, see what is good will be quiet. So but you know, compliment, it helps you remember the sandwich theory. You know, I already really told you they've been changing, you have to say seven or so seven to 10, good things, positive things ought to be to give me one negative one critical issue that you need to do, because of the soft, the means. And the softer the one the one. So you can start with the positive talk about the issues and finish with the positive. So please make sure your strategies are there, please don't please show compliments show appreciation to one another. And again, we're gonna make sure that that date is there to discuss

00:41:28--> 00:41:43

issues in a nice manner. We have that drama and see. See, thank you. Again, we're human beings, brothers and sisters. So I appreciate it. And I tell them why I appreciate it when you do this. That's, you know what, that's positive

00:41:45--> 00:41:50

momentum in a positive mental attitude. And it's a positive influence comes from that.

00:41:52--> 00:42:32

And it goes a long way, you make sure that you get that again, and again and again. Obviously, it lets your partner know that this matters to me. And it communicates better, and you appreciate the other issues that we're going to talk about is a conflict. So occasionally conflict between partners is bound to happen, whether you like it or not. Now, it's not the end of the world. And we can we can do this, we have the technology, we can do this. So So some of the strategies we're going to use and shall let's first of all, you realize that you're not alone. Because if you're gonna play that victim card all the time, again, you're in denial that Oh, it's, you know, me, me, me, me, look,

00:42:32--> 00:42:52

because now if I if I really could get to feeling Oh, I need you here, but after a while, it's like cry wolf, it's gonna feed, it's not gonna happen anymore. So please make sure it is your, your choice to decide how you're going to react to certain things. And again, the second one is just being honest with yourself.

00:42:53--> 00:43:32

Now, when when I look, is it is it really me? And again, as I've always said, if it is to be, it's up to me, is it really mean? Or is it is it the other person? First of all, when you look subjectively and objectively, you have a better idea, put yourself in their shoes, if I were to tell my husband this, or I told my wife this, how would it feel if he or she tells me the same thing. So maybe, sometimes it's gotta be me, I can't be them all the time. So please make sure you understand if that's the case, we need to change up a little bit. Change the expectations and your approach, change your behavior, change your relationship, change your, whatever it takes, in order for you to

00:43:32--> 00:43:36

understand that change is what I usually ask the students when they ever go anywhere.

00:43:37--> 00:43:45

So once we know something, and implemented, is this exactly what I'm after. So give a little to get a lot. So maybe

00:43:46--> 00:43:48

doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gonna have to

00:43:50--> 00:43:53

watch this game all the time. But I spend

00:43:54--> 00:44:12

some time watching her, you know, what, my wife likes to watch this home and garden stuff, right? TLC, for example, all that stuff, you know, home decorating, changing all of that stuff, or by all of that, I'm going to spend some time with her to do this. You know what, but um, you know, I like comedy with Savi keeps me sane.

00:44:13--> 00:44:45

It so just to take the stress level off and all of the things that we deal with. And okay, so she she shares with me once we will watch, you know, a lot of stuff here. I watched some stuff with her there. And that's one way to do so. The other issue that we're going to need to deal with is a trust issue. So, trust is that is a key vital key in a healthy relationship. Please understand that once the trust is not in the relationship, it is very detrimental for the health of this relationship. It is not going to be

00:44:46--> 00:44:55

long in order for you to start, you know, looking at you saw with the sheep and the wolf. What does he do and why is he doing this? And why is she saying this? Oh, it must be that. So please make sure it's not Islamic First of all,

00:44:57--> 00:45:00

but we have to make sure that we get that out of the way

00:45:00--> 00:45:03

So how are we going to deal with this challenge? Okay, so be consistent

00:45:04--> 00:45:33

and be on time. So if you can, if you can see these things and don't give the other partner, your spouse a reason to doubt you are not trusting. So once you consistent everything else I talked about that that's a trend, right? a spike, I don't worry about you consistent. And you're on time all the time in respect that, of course, it's good to that. And if you make any promises, keep the hit. Don't like, No, no, look at Pravin lonza. let it settle it says,

00:45:34--> 00:46:09

believer be coward. Yes. Can you be miser? Yes. But can he be a liar? No. So whatever it takes us, there's no line. Because if you got caught in a lie, that's it the credentials gone? Or the trust is gone, the respect is gone? How do you face the person? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? How do you do that? I'm not talking about what's permissible here. And I talked about it when it comes to secrets. I'm not saying you know, does that dress make me look fat? That's not what I meant. You know, I said, You are allowed to do this. Yes, I love my mother. I love your cooking, all of that stuff.

00:46:12--> 00:46:14

So I'm not talking about that I have a true life.

00:46:16--> 00:46:34

So you also have to understand that you have to be there. Even an argument? And again, doesn't matter that I have to win this. No, maybe she's right. Maybe he's right. Maybe it's just trying to help me to be a better human being doesn't necessarily mean I have to win everything. Remember a chef, he used to see a low budget.

00:46:36--> 00:46:51

Let my brother see the truth I want to learn. So if that's if what we're looking after is the truth. And what we're looking for is to improve ourselves is going to be a lot better than just, you know, wearing an argument, and so on and so forth. Okay, so also be sensitive.

00:46:52--> 00:47:06

When it comes to each other's, you're still married, still, your wife, still your husband have to show respect for that. So don't hurt each other. Don't see words that will come and bite you. Please make sure you look after each other's feelings. All right. So

00:47:07--> 00:47:39

COVID when you say you will, for example, I call you at this time, money, you know what? Put an alarm. I'm sure everybody has a gadget now that you know why I have a meeting, room locked in minutes and five minutes. When I told my wife I'm going to call this time, but a note flags you book, it doesn't matter. Okay? So call to say, you know what, I'll be home late. The reason I'm doing this is this, whatever it is communicate with them. So don't take it for granted. They may be scared, they're looking after you, they love you very much. And they need to know where you are. It's not a ball of chain. Just communication, It's for your own safety. I don't have to worry about.

00:47:41--> 00:48:07

Okay, so if that's the case, you know, obviously, you carry your fair share, as we talked about the house chores, everything else that works and don't overreact when things go wrong. It's not the end of the world. Okay. So you weigh out the pros and cons, if I get mad because of certain things here is my wife or my husband more important to me than just going through, okay, let's buy another. It's not a big deal. But

00:48:08--> 00:48:20

I would rather lose a little bit of money than lose my wife or lose money, it doesn't matter. We all make mistakes. If you as I said, if you're sinless, you don't make mistakes, go ahead, raise your hand, raise your hand, I don't see

00:48:21--> 00:48:37

this, you know, okay. So if that's the case, we're not going to get overly hyped on certain things, give what it's due, and move on. Learn from it, make it a learning session and take an opportunity to turn a negative into a positive and she will appreciate it.

00:48:38--> 00:48:41

Okay, so never say things that you know what you can take back.

00:48:43--> 00:48:45

Even if you're arguing you leave the house on the way as you go.

00:48:46--> 00:48:54

Oh, Lord, don't do that. See how it develops upon us said Fatiha anything. But don't go

00:48:56--> 00:49:04

there. It's the in laws are off limits no matter what you don't bring the mother in the house in our argument. Don't get me wrong, they're gonna go to this

00:49:05--> 00:49:06

house. Welcome.

00:49:08--> 00:49:43

But I'm just saying, Don't bring it up. Don't bring in an argument. Don't talk about this. Well, we don't do that. Parents are off limits. There's a second reason for your creation, respect that. If you can take that on. Here. If your wife talks to you about your mother, your mother, don't talk to her about her own mother and father. I mean, there are different human beings you are your relationship is not retaining they are making sure that you don't make your spouse pay the price for your in laws behavior. And so please make sure you do so don't dig up an old again, if it's you know, you know, that means what?

00:49:44--> 00:49:53

forgotten after record, but don't give each other reasons keep reminding each other of the past. So that means is it past a

00:49:54--> 00:49:55

loss of data follow

00:49:57--> 00:49:59

your sin with a good deed, it erases the rest of it.

00:50:00--> 00:50:38

I can't think back, I don't want to keep pulling doors, back and old files, we just need to discuss one issue at a time, don't get me the topic list as I talked about before, and all of that stuff. Okay? So we're gonna respect obviously your partner's boundaries or limits, as I talked about, don't cross these limits. And don't be jealous Look, they're, they're more successful than you are, and then make more money more than you are, be happy with it. But don't poke and don't make Don't belittle each other, either, either job. And indeed, lastly, be a good listener. And the listener, there's one of the keys that we talked about patient skills earlier. I told you really, how to

00:50:38--> 00:51:18

communicate and how to be a good listener inshallah, in the end, so with that, I asked Allah subhanaw taala, to bless you, Charles was upon you and gather your goodness and ask Allah Subhana Allah, Allah, as he gathers in this life, gathers probably Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, there's a whole chapter here on communication skills, maybe we can talk about it some other time. or indeed, maybe after a lot of the depending on what the team decides that we can talk about next. But this hope this helped you to be able to look into how to turn a negative into a positive, how to become part of the solution, and the solution development model and what the issues are and how to strategy

00:51:18--> 00:51:33

with them. With that, again, thank you for bringing me to your home. May Allah subhana wa Jalla your homes at home sweet home. And the last one is an excerpt from your Ramadan, the CRM the pm for and so on and so forth. I won't forget you might not know Forgive me.

00:51:35--> 00:51:38

I'm gonna pause for a few seconds here to see if

00:51:39--> 00:51:46

whether Reid has any questions if there's great we'll do our best to address it. If not, then I'll move on. Let me see.

00:51:47--> 00:52:00

Okay, that's it. Thank you so much. Okay, everybody's coming. For you. Timing I love bless you. Thank you again brother breed Thank you, brother. Hey, man, go for team for bringing this to become a reality and we almost got it but we heard that before us. Nothing.