SIMP WIMP or WONDERFULLY WOKE A Peace of Cake a podcast & Abdul Haqq Baker

Abdurraheem Green


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The speakers emphasize the importance of being "immediate health" and "monestry" to describe women, as it is crucial for women to validate their worth and pursue opportunities that make them stronger. They stress the cultural aspect of being "immediate health" and the "genius feeling." They also touch on personal growth, relationships, and money, emphasizing the need for women to validate their worth and seek out opportunities that make them stronger.

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah he rubber cattle welcome to another week. I hope everyone's had a very good and productive and safe week. So first I want to say Salaams to my brother looking very sharp as usual in the other corner so I want to come and over there in that corner is none other than

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me it's I've got him green and in the other corner over there we have our esteemed Dr. Abdul Haq Baker, and this is it says a PCS K.

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are you doing?

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I'm good, bro. I'm good. Not bad at today's subject while they come salaam, MD and the Amana and good to see you with us. I'm glad you're excited about today's topic. I'm intrigued and celestial Trailblazer from Africa African part of Nigeria. Is there a non African part of Nigeria? That may be another question for another time?

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Akira so Abdur Rahim today? Yeah. Object while they confirm all of us system. These are all joining us now.

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Tell me. Yeah, the subject that we've got today.

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Introduce it for us and then explain a little bit to us about this simp, wimp or wonderfully woke. Okay, yeah. So I think it's going to be a great discussion. It's sort of a little bit going back to our discussions that we've had previously about masculinity, what does it mean to be a real man, and the whole whatever it is red pill, blue pill, like, the movement? Yeah, and in sales and all that type of stuff. So, you know, we're sort of going a little bit back towards that territory.

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And, and I guess it will touch upon feminism as well. I think these are really important interesting points of discussion. I think some of the aspects of what a sympathy is, may not be relevant to us as Muslims, but I still think they will be inshallah. So I mean, like, what, I didn't really know what a symbol was until pretty recently, as well. So it was one of those things where I came across some memes, you know, on Instagram and stuff like that. And you know, little videos, you see these little videos on Instagram, and you know, something, I don't know something about simp. I had sort of heard this word before, I think I had an idea what it was. So I sort of just looked it up to see

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okay, what exactly is a synth? Yeah.

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And, and then I thought, Wow, this would be a really interesting topic for us to discuss. And I guess from my point of view, I always try to think of things from different angles. Yeah. So okay, so like, I guess, let's like, first define what simple is for anyone who's equally confused as you Dr. Baker.

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What's a simple so a simp is just, I guess, on the simple slang sort of level, it's, uh, seems to be a slang word. That is just a person who is so submissive to a woman even when he's being abused by her and you know, taking advantage and he's just totally submissive to it. That every other man is just cringing watching what's happening. Yeah.

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So that on one level is a simp. I guess even further, like a sort of further definition, which is the same thing, but taking it a bit further. It's that when he's like, excessively submissive, and emotionally sympathetic, and even though a woman will be taking advantage of him, and she's not reciprocating, right, so it's not like, she's sympathetic to him. She's just, in a sense abusing him. And he just takes it. And it seems to be that one of the reasons or the motivating reason for him doing this and this adds a different angle. Yeah. Is just exploitative. He just wants to have sex with her basically, and he's using this as a sort of ploy. I'm not sure how it works.

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But I guess, you know, I guess I suppose there is that ploy that you could actually, some women might actually like a man or take advantage of a man or whatever it is, I don't know, who is extremely submissive. And we'll take all sorts of abuse from her. And I guess are there any women out there who find that attractive or would who want would want to have sex with a guy like that? I don't know because obviously

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The I, you know, I guess you and me live in a different realm now, which is the realm of marriage and family. And you know, that's where we keep these relationships to. But we don't need to be naive. I'm sure there are Muslims engaging this. And I'm sure that also, I suppose you could just carry this on into the whole dimension of marriage, because for me, it opens up a bigger conversation about, you know, are we are Muslim men these days? Very simple ish, right? I've seen some of our brothers,

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you know, who have got a bit of a bad rap for being sort of quite alpha male, you know, on Instagram, I won't mention any names, you know, although, unfortunately, sometimes they're just people don't bother to actually listen to what they're saying, yeah. But you know, this whole sort of thing where men are being picked on and attacked by their wives. And they just sort of put up with it and behave in a sort of, I guess, what would be called a simple ish or wimpish way? It's like, a lot of people are looking at it and say, be a man, for God's sakes, standard, what the hell are you behaving? So submissively?

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So I think that's the whole conversation. And but but from my other, you know, looking at from the other angle, right?

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And this I'm looking at now from the other angle, is that is this, from the other angle, however, is this just criticism of men who have now become emotionally intelligent, and who are now sympathetic, and in touch with women's feedings as like, we sort of have to be these days as partners, right? These binary sort of roleplay models, we've discussed this again, is this really reality? Doesn't a man have to be in a sense, you know, he has to be his partner's best friend, he has to be, you know, we don't have that sort of wide network where you can just, you know, like, you have to play all of these roles. And so is it just these alpha males who are unable? Well, I use that alpha male, right?

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Not in the, in the real proper sense. But you know, in a sort of exaggerated sense, the sort of macho men, I suppose, yeah. Who are unable to display any type of proper emotions towards women, and a pretty misogynistic look at a guy who's actually quite empathetic, quite sympathetic. You know, he's not just going to, you know, tell his wife Shut up, or I'm going to hit you every time she opens her mouth, and they look at him and think, oh, you're a simp? Yeah. Well, he's not. He's just a guy who's actually a bit woken up to reality and is in touch with, you know, his emotional feelings. Which one is it? Bro? This is my question. And I'm sort of like, we've had such amazing

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interactions from the audience's as well, I think like, I think last week was just brilliant. Because it was for me, it was like I bought almost got more out of the audience, our listeners than I did from our own conversation. So that's it. I guess we're opening it up on we brought so I'm interested to hear what you think what your thoughts are on our listeners. Yeah. And I think yes, I think you're right. I concur with what you said about last week in the previous weeks. But what you said is interesting in that it's new phrases, new terminologies for things that have existed for years, and you've got an example of two polarized perspectives. And the misogynistic, macho, archaic

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kind of perception of men. Some are trying to still hold on today is dated, and it's wrong. But the pendulum swing to the other side is also an issue. And I want to bring in like before I was became Muslim. I remember when growing as a young man, and my mom said something to me, my mom from South America, Guyana. She said to me, never be a jackass for a woman. This is my mom telling us like jackass. What does she mean by and she mentioned us, basically, don't be a simp. If you're using today's words, just don't be a jackass for a woman. So what did she mean by that? Right? Exactly. what's meant by is, do not let

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a woman take advantage of you, and you be passive. And you You no longer know what it is to be a man as she needs me to be a man or the societal understanding and perspectives of a man. And so she didn't want me to be the other way. Because I've meant treat previously. She said, treat women as you'd like your mother and your sister to be treated. My mom was the one and the matriarch and my sister, my brother. So it wasn't as though she was saying be macho because she if she felt that I was being a bit too misogynistic or Donachie, she wouldn't stand for that evil on very strong mind.

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To see men knowing their identity in my brother and me and she didn't want to see this, this man who was passive because he even knew that he had to be

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II that way to get intimate with the woman that he wanted to be with, it's like, if I'm,

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she's going to give me the cookie as they will say in American terms or whatever. Well, that child behaving really well because he wants mom and dad to buy him sweets that he wants and, and men taking on that particular characteristic or that kind of persona

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gets in the way, but it's not suites or other tangibles in that sense, is the level of intimacy that they want from the woman and the woman no, ignore this intimacy, or treat them in any particular way that they want. I know, some women have that that phrase that I was told this from, a few years ago, we knew that treat and mean to keep them keen, okay, and some women will behave in that way. So, and some men would like, okay, to get what I want, I'm going to allow this treatment to come forward, or I love the woman so much that I'm going to let her walk all over me and treat me in the way that I want to be treated. And, and this, there's a term we had, which I'm not going to use it in this

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term. This is back in the day before I was Muslim. But this is

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like the fan

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is the type of individual that is not respected by either male or female. Now, if we're talking about someone who is empathetic to the woman's needs, that's different when we're moving now away from either polarization and we can talk forever on in the show about the examples that we see a prophet muhammad sallallahu Islam, examples of Omar Raji lung and these individuals, if we're talking about that empathy with regards to the wife's needs, requirements, everything. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But when it's as you have described, you've got this passivity in the man, this weakness in the man in us a weakness in the area that the woman talks to him treats

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him as he wants. But there's a read, there may be a reason for that as well. The man may be so cowed or so fed up with the conflict with his wife that he just doesn't speak anymore. I'll give you an extreme example of during my name when I was living in the UK, and I used to live at my mom's although I've moved out from my mom's now. The neighbors across the road. There's a really there's a working class family across. Nothing wrong with that. And we all are, most of us, but what happened is she was really loud mouth. You could hear her she was really foul mouthed everything, the swearing the F in the blinding, and there's this really quiet husband and they've been together for

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years, and they've got children, son and daughter not not particularly pleasant, but he was always quiet. The husband was always quiet, silent, smile down everything. One day I went around to visit my mum and I saw the police cordons, their life tapes and everything. And I said to my brother, my brother's looking at me sort of incredulous that what happened. He said he bludgeoned the bludgeoned the Russians, his wife to death, sorry, tongue tied, it basically got crazy. And the downstairs in the living room, it was just like a bloodbath. He'd completely lost it with his wife, and whatever the trigger was, or whatever the last straw

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was what caused him while looking slumber or Jordan, good to see you with us again. So he completely lost it. And he had been that passive, silent, Meek individual that had something conflict for him. Now, I'm not saying that that's the case in every instance. But those are cases where the man has been handpicked. He is him picked, he is nagged. Okay, and he's lived that particular existence, I wouldn't consider such an individual simpe in the definition that's been given there. So we do need to look at those exceptions to the rule. But coming back to what you're saying about a simple now and I'll come back to you. Yeah.

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Why would a man in his right mind, want to adopt such a persona with a woman? Again, on the flip side, conversely, why would a man want to be

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misogynistic, domineering, dominating, to the extent that his wife or his wife's voice in this example, is silenced or muted? Or she is in fear of physical, mental, spiritual abuse from him? If she expresses herself? Why would we as men want to be at either end of the spectrum? Will? Yeah, yeah.

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I think the thing is, bro, is that maybe it comes back to those things is that sometimes we try to create these, you know,

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it's sort of a little bit like that discussion we had about mental health. Yeah, my you know, and I was questioning the whole way that we measure what mental health is in the first place, and it's just like this increase

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opening of doors of, you know, what was in this book, you know, of what is supposedly meant mental illnesses is just getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And like until things that no one would have thought 50 years ago was even considered to be mental health is now considered to be some sort of, you know, some sort of disease now, right. And again, I think it's this, it's almost like this idea that there is this sort of perfect balance that you have to achieve between everything. Whereas, you know, maybe it's absolutely fine for different people to have different relationships. And you know, if it works for them, it works for them. So, for example, look like, I know that in some African

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countries, for example, they're very matriarchal. Right? It seems counterintuitive. And even though, you know, men may have many wives, but in fact, women run the show, they run the businesses, yeah, they're very much in charge. And it doesn't really make the men any less men, right?

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It's just women are very vocal, they're very powerful. They run businesses, and like no one minds, everyone gets on with it. No one thinks that men are any less than men, you know, because of that. It's just that it's a society that really empowers women, and, you know, takes advantage of really excellent qualities, women have an employs them, right. And I think just different societies have different paradigms, right. And I guess, I guess where we live, we live in the West, where we have so many cultures, we have these melting pots, right? And why I suppose in a way, it's sort of weird that nothing is supposed like everyone in a sense is sort of almost supposed to be free to do

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whatever they want, and be whatever they want to be however they want and live whatever way they want, yet at the same time, so on one hand, that's the sort of, you know, even to the extent that if you feel like your gender is different, or anyone, I didn't quite get the whole gender thing, but you know, you feel your gender is different, you should be able to express that even to the extent of having, you know, surgery and changing your gender.

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So that's to a how which, that's the extent to which people are supposed to be free to be fluid and how they express their relationships and interactions with each other. That's what I'm saying. That's the point I'm saying. Yet. On the other hand, we have this paradox, that somehow there is this ideal that everyone has to live up to. And if you don't live up to this ideal, there's something wrong with you. It's it Well, is it a paradox, or is it just a plain and simple contradiction? Right? I don't know, bro. So the thing is that see that? I guess that's implicit in my question that I wanted to put forward for today's discussion. Right. And I guess underlying it

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all, is that question I'm asking again and again, is that, and I just think it's important for us to look at these things through different lenses, because I think it helps us to analyze and to think about stuff deeply. Yeah. And I think that's what's important. I was listening to something really interesting today, in that I don't like this business partner of Warren Buffett, I don't know what his that I can't remember the guys name because it's very brief thing I was what some video I was watching. And he said that he never has an opinion, or states, he has an opinion on something until he has studied the other side of the argument. And he can expound the other side of the argument so

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strongly that it's actually better, he can expound it better than the person who believes in the other side of the argument, right? And if you remember, you're gonna pay him he's famous for that, right? You know, in his books, when he's discussing fit opinions, when he discusses a particular opinion, you read it, and you will be thinking, Oh, my gosh, so this is the right opinion. And then he goes on to analyze it, why he thinks that opinion is wrong and what he thinks the right opinion is, but he's so sincere. And He's so honest, in trying to get to the root of why a person is offering a particular position or an opinion, that he sort of expounds it as if he was a scholar of

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that position himself. And in a sense, where I think we should do that with everybody and everything. Right. You know, in the sense that we should, maybe it would undercut the sort of sort of viciousness, that they can be about stuff, and really sort of get to a level of understanding, you know, so

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I would want to understand, why is a man behaving like that? So, I'm trying to think, Well, why would a man behave like that? Is he because he's, you know, he's a simp? Is he because he's this just wimpy character? He's not a real man. He can't stand up fruit. Or maybe he's just well, like you said, You gave an example which is a

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guess an extreme example. But it does allow us to illustrate the point. And that's of a man who's so emotionally abused that he's just become super submissive. Right? But it could be, it could look in a certain way to an outside observer. But it just may be that this guy really likes this woman. He loves her, right? I mean, I, you know, the thing that got me thinking, bro, is that I look back on

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this, this girl, I was crazy about Javea before I was Muslim, right? I was just totally mad about her. Yeah. And I remember some of my behaviors. If someone had seen me, they would have said, You're a simp. Right? They would have said that about me. And I looked at it, and I looked back, and I think, Oh, my God, that's like, simple ish behavior. Although I wasn't behaving like that, really necessarily, because I wanted to have sex with her, right? I like my, I really, genuinely like cared about her a huge amount. I just really just liked her hugely as a person and whatever. And yeah, I guess, you know, as a young person, it's my fine between

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what you're saying is fine, and apex predator just meant that as well. But some would say if they saw his behavior, that he some would consider him being selfish around women, but those who know him know that he's not that and I understand that, having been carrying from I've been with my wife, as you know, since before Islam as well. And when you become attracted and attached to someone, you're ready to concede ground that you may ordinarily hold, and others know you to hold and everything. That's not simple. But where it is that whatever she's saying, and she's doing it deliberately, you can see that she's basically got you around her little finger, and she's pushing and pulling, and

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you're just coming backwards and forwards like that, because you don't want to lose her, or you want to be close to her or you just, that's how you want to be to exist with her, despite how she's treating you. And I'll give you another example of drain. When I was at college, there was a young lady there, and beautiful young lady, and she was she had a partner, they're nice guy, he was really quiet, good looking, had things going for him. But they were a unit. And she was very loud and flamboyant. And she took a liking to one of my friends as well. Nothing happened there. But she would do things like that showed his interest in other men move in this direction. And he just took

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it she didn't I'm not saying anything further when other than flirting, but she didn't do that. He'd learned about it in college would be in the college refractory together. And then one day, we heard Did you hear what happened to x? Let's say his name was I said, What do you mean? And they were going over Putney. He was going in a cab. We've heard that we're coming back from somewhere over Putney bridge. The car was in the taxi was in traffic. He just got out of the car without pausing, walked without pausing, got up onto the bridge, jumped into the river and killed himself. No pause. She was sat in the car traumatized by that. Okay, and we will everyone the conclusion was look at

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how much he put up with with her. But why didn't he make a stand? Why didn't do something before like this. So I've talked about two cases where once killed these partner, and the other one committed suicide. Now, the passivity that adopt.

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As you've said, it may not be necessarily Simlish. But I want to bring it to another area where we're in today, where you hear men falling over themselves to say, I am a feminist, I have aspects of feminists. And I'm I'm sorry, I don't get that. Okay, from from where I'm from. I don't get that and I don't feel and some may shoot me down with this No, being a feminist doesn't mean that you're female or you're like, I know it doesn't. But when in yesteryear Abrahim where we asked to say we are feminists, we have femininity in us or we have feminist feelings and stuff like that. In the same way. When have we said to women, no, you need to show masculine traits and to show you how

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masculinity in you. So for me, it's like things have become these terminologies, this discussion, the reason we're having this discussion more so now is because roles have become obscured. As we've mentioned before, roles have become obscured. Someone's mentioned they're one of the sisters that a lot of women are going out to work and the men are at home, looking after the kids, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that if the if that happens to be the economic setup, at any given time. But we'll come back to what it is. Is that simply the one who is willfully passive, weak, malleable to everything that the woman wants? And in actuality if we were to close our eyes, and

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close our ears, you think that the woman was the man in the original traditional gender roles and you think the man was the woman in the two

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to traditional gender roles, and I'm going to stop from this point to let you go because this is evoking a lot of memories. There was an Eddie Murphy movie, okay, I didn't really like it. But back in the day, it was Eddie Murphy movie, where he was the epitome of what is a simple now because he was when he was meeting the women. He wanted her to be she had to be perfect. She had to be strong, and he was malleable towards the women and even had the feminine actions and behavior with regards to women. Just to make sure he found the right woman he was, I don't know what the name of the film was. I can't remember it. But he if anyone I'm not saying advocating to watch movies and stuff, but

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if anyone saw this, now I'm seeing that was that epitomize what a simp was looked like and it brings it to me in mind that abdur-rahim stopping at this point, one of the aspects were told by the Prophet salallahu Salam not be like the do youth with regard women not to be like the pimp and to do your was the one who doesn't mind he's, if he's in the marketplace, he doesn't mind all and sundry looking at his wife. When he's out. He's got no laborer or no protectiveness. And we're not saying possessive protectiveness over he doesn't care. Anyone can talk to you. I mean, I think yeah, to be frank, if you're it does, he doesn't care if someone has sex with his wife, basically, I think

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that's the that's the that's the proper definition. And then of course it has, you know, you could say lower levels, right. So the proper level of a daily visit as a cuckold is someone who doesn't. He doesn't care if someone has sex with his wife or not, basically. And then obviously, different levels of it would be he doesn't care. He flirts with his wife or, you know, I guess whatever. Like you could say, if you were super strict, like, you know,

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you know, he doesn't care if someone sees his wife's race the here's the price wise bracelet jingle, it depends on what you want to go down the thing.

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For me, I think that's where a simp that's what it seems to be where it would ultimately end up. You know, and obviously, we had that discussion when we were discussing about this topic. And I, you know, I've seen some documentaries and stuff like about polyaromatic, poly amorous, polyamorous relationships. Yeah. And I do remember seeing that, in some of these instances, the guys, to be honest, it seemed to be exactly what they were they

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I don't know if they cared or not, did they? I'm not even sure if they can, or they were maybe they did care, but they were just so weak. And they were so dependent upon this woman. And they, you know, they maybe they could I don't know, I mean, I guess that's exactly what we're saying. They're so wimpish, that, right? That they just, they were just hanging around, because they just wanted their piece of the pie whenever they were going to get it. Right. And if that hurt, his wife was going off doing whatever. It's just like you that he was going to put up with it. Or he genuinely, maybe he didn't even care. And I don't know, because I don't know the Arabic word enough. What does

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it mean, caring? Does it mean he actually genuinely doesn't care? I mean, I guess there are some men who pimp out their women literally pimp their women out. Right? What happens? Women start doing again, back in the day, I knew some of my circles, they offerings, they print them out, and the girlfriends loved them that that's not what a simpIe is. Right? As simple as not.

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Like, I guess that's the almost the opposite. Almost the opposite, right? Isn't it? A pimp is someone who is so emotionally detached and so brutal. And so I mean, like, he does that really basically for money, right? But a cockroach is someone who he doesn't, he's not doing he's not selling her for money. He's not prostituting his wife, he's not pimping her out. He's just Yeah. When he says when it when when it said, When the Prophet says, Well, when I don't know what the thing means, because the youth has a meaning, right? So I don't know if it means caring here simply just means he doesn't do anything about it. Because I guess if you cared, like, if you really have

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him on, you'd pray five times a day, right? If you really cared about you're had some honor towards your wife, you would not tolerate it, you divorced that person or whatever, right now. This is why the context though this is an excellent way to

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how much has society

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affected this relationship? Because, for example, that simp he made that way, or let's say and the next category of someone being passive, because society so much favors the woman and the woman's rights now. You just have to use particular trigger words and if he's in a relationship, and she complains to the authorities, using any terminology or this

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children involved let's let's be really careful when we're looking at this. And it's really focused on this. If you've got children from that woman, for example, and you feel or sense that she will turn at any moment and take your children from you, this has happened to brothers as well, where

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you're a disciplinarian, for example, or you're strict in or you've got traditional values, for example. And those traditional values are not in line with today's society. So if you're saying that one of us needs to go out to work, as the man, I'm going to go out and work, I'll do the struggle and everything like that. And she says, No, I want liberation, I want to be

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one earning the bread and doing it the money and everything like this. You look after the kids conflict starts coming in. He's more decisive in things, but the what the woman doesn't like that. But she goes to society, and says mental abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, he knows that's going to happen. He knows that the system to be against.

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And while is different, some men have adopted, it's better that I do not resist in this way, because I've got too much to lose. It's better that I stay in the circumstances. And I think that, yeah, I get what you're saying, bro. It's not I get what you're saying. But look, I mean, my son like anyone, I obviously, I'm sure both you and me have dealt with people. Quite a lot of cases of people have come to us seeking advice. And

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I'll be honest, I think part of being I think it look, I think being a real man, I suppose I suppose part of the problem is I'm maybe I'm putting myself forward as I think I'm a real man. But I think, you know, part of part of the tightrope of walking that it is a tightrope. Yeah, it's that tightrope of being a real man is both simultaneously being emotionally intelligent. Yeah, at the same time realizing, I guess what Allah says that your wife and your children, your family are a fitna, they are a test. They are a trial. Yeah, they're a test of whether you're going to obey a lot or not. And they can be a factor in many different ways. They can make you stingy with your wealth, they can

00:32:10--> 00:32:55

make you not charitable. But also that that's another part of the fitna is that you can submit yourself to all sorts of dishonorable humiliating, disrespectful situations, for the sake of the love of your children. Right, right. And listen, I mean, I'll be honest to ever to you, bro. And to everyone, I guess you might be the same. We might have mentioned this before, and to everyone out there. I love my kids to bits. I do love my kids. You know, when I'm with them, I play with them. I love them. I do love them. But literally, I can walk out of the door and not think about them at all. I could be in another country. And I will not think of my wife, I literally will not even cross

00:32:55--> 00:32:57

my mind. Yeah.

00:32:58--> 00:33:46

I like literally, it's almost as if they don't exist. That may be to do with, I guess the way I've programmed myself to live to be a person. I mentioned this before as well, who is living very much in the experience of this moment right now? Yeah, I believe in experiencing the intensity of the present. And I guess when you are experiencing the intensity of what you're experiencing right now, you don't have room to be thinking too much about, you know, what else? But I guess there are a lot of people, you know, like, so for me, I but I could I could I think I think I could do that I could literally switch off I could walk out of my family tomorrow and not think of them again. And many

00:33:46--> 00:34:10

have done I could switch my mind off like that. And I say and I've said to people, they say how what is that? I said but don't men have to be able to do that. How do they how do they fight wars? How do they go to fight battles? How do they go out hunting and you know, no, you might never return you surely this is surely after 1000s of years Allah won't you know of human development Allah has made us like that we have to be like that right.

00:34:11--> 00:34:51

So I think this is part of the thing is this is a fitna when so when you say to me oh, this brother's doing this and this because of his kids and he's gonna lose he loves his kids so much and it's like, it's like be a man. Right? What How did you get yourself to that position that you are that attached to anyone or anything, right? Be attached to Allah, that's what I would say be the only one that you should be that attached to is Allah and your relationship with Allah and nothing else is worth it. Not your kids, not your wife, not your whatever, right. I guess I trained myself bro. I would sometimes sit in the car thinking what if my kid died? What if I, you know, got home

00:34:51--> 00:34:59

and my kid choked on a, you know, Fishbone right. It could happen. Well, how are you going to behave abdur-rahim

00:35:00--> 00:35:23

Right, are you going to scream and wail and like, you're going to be depressed for the next 20 years and this and that. So it's like you train yourself for these things to realize that Allah could test you with anything, how are you going to behave? And that's one of those things, right? Like that if you don't train yourself to be like that people will take advantage of they really, after hearing what you're saying, I'm sorry.

00:35:26--> 00:35:29

You said, you mentioned that previously as well. And we are similar.

00:35:31--> 00:35:31

When I travel,

00:35:32--> 00:35:34

that is not from the Sunnah. What

00:35:36--> 00:36:14

if they say, No, it's not from the sun. And then I bring that that remember, one of the things that we know that shaytan whispers to the Mujahid on the battlefield, to make him weak, is he tries to stoke memories of his family while he's awake. Okay, so what you're saying I relate to that, because I'm similar when I've traveled, I've only my wife, because I'm not going to focus on my kids just want to check that everything's okay. And as you said, I'm in the moment. But there's another thing as well, I mentioned to you before, I think I've mentioned it to you before, if not I mentioned now, I'm not sure if it's the same with white men or Asian men or whatever. But sometimes, in some in

00:36:14--> 00:37:08

blacks and black colleges, people say about absent fathers. Now many of us are present. But I can relate to understand, when a man says, Actually, enough is enough. I don't need to tolerate or to kowtow to certain things that is being put on me. I'm walking. Now, I'm not saying that that's the responsible thing to do. But I can understand that logic in, I'm not going to succumb or to lower my standards, or and when I say standards, maybe that's not the right word, my my self sense of self, my self worth, to behave in a way that is not becoming to me, and not be coming to me as a man. And if this is what is required, by my wife, by the environment that I'm in, to sync up as it were, our

00:37:08--> 00:37:11

rubbish shipped out. Yeah, yeah. Simple.

00:37:14--> 00:37:58

Really, at the end of the day, fantastic questions that have been asked. And one of the systems into some of the question is the modern woman making or producing simple men? And I would say, looking again, with the support of society and expectations of women, which has moved away from what we know of previous values, traditional values, yes, there is an element of today's woman. And I think one of the one of the comments, bro said one of the people one of the brothers or sisters commenting says, I guess it was a sister saying that she knows women who want since they actually looked for them. Right. And they perhaps they're very, you know, busy women and, you know, powerful jobs, I

00:37:58--> 00:38:01

suppose. And they just want some man they can boss around.

00:38:02--> 00:38:14

You know, and they're quite happy with that. And you know, maybe the man is quite happy. He you know, they both have their physical needs taken care of right after him. I'll give you another example. I know these examples.

00:38:15--> 00:38:57

A sister moves from a relationship with brother and sister breakup from relationship because he is an alpha male, balanced maybe more strongly on the masculine side. And initially, the woman wanted that because of the absent father and wanting something to care for, but as she grows, okay, this has happened a few times sisters that I've met brothers in circumstances I've come across. As she grows, she becomes more independent society afford things to her. So then what she wants, she wants someone who's needy and dependent upon her. He could be have a drug habit, habit, he could be an alcoholic, he can be someone who is poor with his money, and he always comes in if you remember that

00:38:58--> 00:39:20

movie. What's the movie called? I can't remember what it's called. But one of the actors he played that simple role really well not only with the women he was with, but he also showed that dependency that he needed to get that money to get his drug and everything Samuel L Jackson played that part brilliant. I commend the movie was but he played that brilliantly synced up and basically

00:39:22--> 00:39:24

getting a hang of His word now bro.

00:39:25--> 00:39:31

No, it now is like a part of your book out bro. You know us from South London we

00:39:34--> 00:39:42

he sent up to and basically became how that woman wanted him to be so the sister saying that women want Simps. They want

00:39:44--> 00:39:59

some women, they want them upon them. They want them dependent upon them, hear me upon them because it validates them if that's how they feel validated. If you're not that, and you're independent, and you've got clear on

00:40:00--> 00:40:43

demarcations as to who you are, and who she is in your life or whatever, they feel insecure needs a puppy, not a man. They go thank you trust was a puppy, not a man. So basically that neediness is something that validates her. And there are some men who are like that. And there are some men who are ready to play that part to show our being needy man for you. So that's the magic is it's not only the man being that it's the woman requiring that to feel validated, then I will put the other point, let me put the other argument, bro, is that why do we have to judge this guy? Right? Maybe he may be he is just ready to meet her emotional needs. And it doesn't bother him. Right? Why is that a

00:40:43--> 00:40:44


00:40:45--> 00:41:15

Why is it a problem? Is it? Is it a problem simply because you and me have preconceived notions of what it means to be a man and how people should behave. And we're imposing them upon other people. Because at the end of the day, if he's happy with it, if he's ready to put up with this stuff, right, because maybe he is woke and he's emotionally aware. And like, it doesn't bother him, right? In the same way, bro. Look, how many chefs? How many chefs? Yeah.

00:41:16--> 00:42:01

You and me, bro? No, we've been around. We've been around the block. Lots of times. We've been around a long time. Yeah. How many chefs in the past and probably until today? Yeah. Still advise our sisters who are being beaten and abused and mistreated by their husbands? Oh, be patient put up with it. Look how Arsia was with her own this and that whatever. Right. And wait a minute, how many sisters put up with it? How many sisters put up with their husbands abuse? Emotional? You know, anger temper tantrums? I've definitely done it. I'll handler Hopefully I haven't done it. I definitely haven't done it all the time. Yeah. But I mean, look, I guess both me and my happens

00:42:01--> 00:42:36

anyway to human beings. But like for sometimes it's a man's doing all the time. It's like you're looking at and you're embarrassed, just saying, Why are you talking to your wife like that? And she puts up with it. And she's very passive. He may even be going, having affairs and this and that, and whatever. And she'll put up with it. And she she'll put up with all of that. Now you and me can say, Oh, well, what are we going to say? In fact, many chefs will say yes, consistent. That's very good. You should be like that you should be whatever. That's exactly how you should be Pete Be patient. But if a man behaves like that, it's not acceptable. Why should she why why is it acceptable for her

00:42:36--> 00:42:49

to put up with it? Whereas a man shouldn't put up with that? Who says Yeah, very true. And that's a good point. I think Matthew asked the question, are we confusing? hikma and wisdom and patience for being the same? I don't think so.

00:42:51--> 00:43:41

No, with hikma and patients, that's a totally different paradigm. It's good that you've asked that question, because we have to be clear here as we started off every having empathy, having understanding, having a conciliatory approach with regards to our partners, and then with us wives and husbands. There's nothing wrong with that. What I want to be really clear when how I've understood simple today is that overarching passivity, where she can do absolutely anything. And even if you want to resist you choose and opt not to, to eat her to be everything she wants to be or wants you to be. And that's that's the key thing here. What she wants you to be okay. And don't get

00:43:41--> 00:44:08

me wrong, some stuff. Some would say, Well, my wife buys clothes for me, and she likes me to dress but we're certain that's fine. I like that. My wife does that with me. But I've met I've met. Obviously, these are individuals who men who don't, they've never bought their own clothes. And they told me with the underwear, this socks, they cook, they say to me, my wife buys that she chooses my clothes, and this sort of smiling at me and I'm sort of thinking, what the hell so? So

00:44:09--> 00:44:12

my wife, wife, my wife buys. If you got a terrible

00:44:14--> 00:44:18

experience match, you can't match your shirt with your pants and your wife can do it then.

00:44:21--> 00:44:28

Whatever. Yeah. I knew these individuals before, and they are sharp dresses. Oh.

00:44:29--> 00:44:59

laughing It's like, hold on. You used to dress Dapper Dan, we respected you back in the day for the dressing and everything. And now you're telling us you've consigned all of that to history and your work? And you know what up to him? I have to say this. Now, if you see some of the garments that they're wearing, like they're wearing skinny jeans when they've got big guts, for example. And so my wife likes to see me in this and I'm thinking you don't look good. You're wearing stuff. You look constipated, what you're wearing. You actually look constipated, but they go in there.

00:45:00--> 00:45:04

A piece that will and I'm not saying that means it's your Sims brothers. There may be prophecy

00:45:10--> 00:45:40

Bro, that's exactly sit that is it. Got it. You gotta be honest, bro because that is the definite like I'm not saying he is a simp Yeah, and I think like with a lot of these things, we can obviously spot sin fish what we might call sin fish behavior. It doesn't mean any one of us could be simply fish about something sometimes. Yeah. Right. And like, I think clearly what you want to say is bro, in this instance, you're being simple ish. Yeah, yes. Yeah, be

00:45:42--> 00:46:19

you know, like, you know, dress yourself. Right. I think that's what you want to say. Honestly. That's right. I think they use a stamp. Right. But in this particular area, right? Yeah, I guess that's what it is. I mean, that's a really good illustration where that's exactly what it is where you someone like you is looking at that. And it's interesting, because you know how that guy was in the past, you know, how he used to be, like so. So like I said, Yeah, well, you know, and you said, no, no, bro, he was a sharp dresser. He used to he used to you know, he used to look good. And now he looks like an idiot. And his wife's making him wear that. And that's exactly it. You feel

00:46:19--> 00:46:35

uncomfortable. You are looking at him and saying, bro, what is happening to you? Yeah. And that is exactly what being as simple as about when assault, you know, when other men are looking at him and his behavior and thinking, that's a lot. I'll be honest, bro. I know.

00:46:38--> 00:47:22

One of my dear friends, yeah. Marshall, I beloved chef, you know him well, by the way. And really honestly, he's one of the most beautiful human beings. I know, martial law. But I know that probably deep inside himself, and he would never say it. But he looks at the way the amount of time I spend in the kitchen cooking and like sometimes I will cook all the food and a lot. I actually really enjoy cooking. I really enjoy it. Yeah. And like sometimes my wife is like, exhausted, like, whatever. So I do like I know, some people will look at me and say what are you doing? Like, what a simp? Yeah, like, get out of the kitchen and let your wife get in there and do her job. And I'm sure

00:47:22--> 00:47:31

I'm sure deep down inside people are looking at me and my talking too much. I'm not even like even he will say to me, this is too much.

00:47:34--> 00:47:42

You'll see after he says but that's what you're saying there. For me. That doesn't equate with simply being being simply.

00:47:43--> 00:47:45

Honestly, I can see how people would think it is though, bro, honestly.

00:47:47--> 00:47:47

Look at it.

00:47:48--> 00:48:25

Then we've got to look at what what construct are they thinking about? Yeah, are they from a culture where a man doesn't go in the kitchen like man is not allowed in the kitchen? Some cultures? They don't women do not let men in the kitchen. They will literally kick them out. It's something asked me what it is Don't come in here. This is my domain get out of here. Okay. Culturally, culturally, yes, I understand that. And as you said early on from culture to culture, the definition like for example, we know you've said in some African countries, the men are sitting around smoking and drinking and the women are in the field. I've seen that the women in the field plow in the field.

00:48:25--> 00:49:01

And you said, you go out and the women come back they said No, our husbands are useless. Jokingly, they're useless. This is the thing that we do. Obviously, that that is the matriarchal aspect of that particular society. So you're right, we're talking about culture. But now I want to move to the point because we've the other part of what we did, is it wonderfully woke Now my question is, what does wonderfully woke mean? And to be honest with you, I don't want to be wonderfully woke because that again, is almost similar. It obscures being thin pish and wonderfully well. I think they're almost one in one in the same thing.

00:49:02--> 00:49:20

No, but I would say you see, okay, one I don't I to be honest, bro, I hate the term woke Anyway, yes, it's a misuse of the English language. So when someone says well, I say no, awakened is the right word to use. So like, that's the first thing like stop messing up the English.

00:49:22--> 00:49:59

I like hate that term as a term. But I think know what it means, like in the sense that, you know, you move out of a very binary understanding of how people are and their emotions are and you just become a little bit more open minded to, you know, I guess two different ways of living and I guess that's what it comes down to like, so I could say that. Look, here's the crazy thing, bro. Here's the crazy thing. Yeah. The same chef, I think honestly, right? Despite he may look at me and think yeah, you're being a simple here, right? He would actually

00:50:00--> 00:50:03

really like his daughters to live in a house, like my house?

00:50:05--> 00:50:43

He wouldn't want his own daughters to be subjected to his version of what he thinks and how he thinks things should be, right? Because you look at it, and you think that's not a nice way to live? Because the daughter will go to university, she will study she will get a degree. Yeah. And that's what I'm saying, bro. Right, is that on one hand, the weird thing is, is that a person will be thinking, Oh, what a simp. Yet at the same time, you'd be thinking, Well, I wouldn't really want my daughter to be living in this sort of macho world that I have. And I guess that's the realization when you have this contradiction. And that's one of the beautiful things of you know, getting

00:50:43--> 00:51:24

married and having kids and one of the great things about having daughters daughters is such a blessing. And especially you love them, it opens your mind up to what, what really you what, what it means to be a man, because you start thinking, what sort of husband do I want for my daughter? Well, wait a minute, what sort of husband? Am I for my wife? Right? And my other husband to my wife that I want for my daughter? That's a good question to ask. Right? And genuinely, you know, I always try to think like that. I honestly genuinely tried to treat any woman in the way that I would like my daughters to be treated. Yeah. After him. We're broke. Now isn't weird, what you said is really a

00:51:24--> 00:51:33

bit weird, because you know what, I really struggled with polygamy, because I always thought think, like, if any, if any woman reminds me of any way of one of my doors, it's like

00:51:38--> 00:51:41

when that happens, but what you said, like Uncle, as you know,

00:51:42--> 00:51:44

for my daughter's American martial art, and through the

00:51:45--> 00:51:46


00:51:48--> 00:51:52

martial law, all three of them spoke to me. Really nice what they said. They said,

00:51:53--> 00:52:39

that was my last one, the oldest one wrote to me recently, she said, Thank you for showing, and teaching us about what a man should be a strong man and a strong man in the sense that we can be ourselves. And we can, we are empowered. And we want to thank you for that. And you know what abdur-rahim That is hearing those words, in different ways from the three doors over the six months, and seeing that husbands that they've married, they've married strong men, but how strong men you should be how much they're in love with my daughters, because of their independence, intelligent, empowered. And they've seen this is the father of these daughters. And this is how he's, he's raised

00:52:39--> 00:52:47

and nurtured them. So what you're saying is absolutely right. And it brings me on to the next thing, which is, look at some of us as men, we, some of us.

00:52:48--> 00:53:27

And we wanted the idealistic what we had that I'd say, abstract understanding where we said, we want the wife to be in the home, not going out cooking, doing the dishes, this, this, this, this, we wanted that. And then what happened, Abdur Rahim, those of us who are more, let's say, intellectually astute and require more engagement. We saw the changes in our wives thinking that that was what they wanted to fit into being the perfect Ideal Muslim woman. And then when we met other women, maybe in work, maybe independent, and eat there could be Muslim, they might be a little bit more open minded. They've got their careers they work in, they've got business, they're more

00:53:27--> 00:53:29

outspoken. And suddenly, I had to turn like, Oh,

00:53:31--> 00:53:48

yeah. And that, that, then we then we start acting more simple ish, because it like, in order to move in that direction, I can't behave like I've been behaving with my wife and the rug, and the traditional man. But in order to

00:53:49--> 00:53:58

engage with this more intellectually, outgoing, empowered woman, which we've not loading into from our wives, we have to become most impish.

00:53:59--> 00:54:04

Yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah. I mean, what can I say, bro?

00:54:06--> 00:54:47

Absolutely. I had so many things spinning in my mind, as you were saying that and I was trying to read the comments as well. But yeah, Subhan Allah definitely. And to go back to that whole thing about the you know, about the family, and it's very true, or what you say is absolutely true. Yeah. What I wanted to say, is a powerful man is never afraid of a powerful woman, right? And who is more powerful as a man than the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam? And let me ask everyone here, who did he love the most? Who did he love the most? And he would say it he would say it. He used to say that he loved the Ayesha the most. And she was very powerful. She was an extremely powerful woman.

00:54:48--> 00:54:59

She used to argue with the prophets of Allahu alayhi wa sallam, they would sit there arguing, right? I mean, the arguments would become so bad that the ones that you know this story when the Prophet called Abu Bakr in

00:55:00--> 00:55:33

to arbitrate, you know, Subhan Allah. I mean, so she was extremely astute, extremely intellectual. Like they said there was nothing about the deen that they had a discussion except Ayesha knew something about it, she would have some piece of information she would have something to contribute. She was a scholar, you know Subhanallah extremely intellectually astute Mashallah. So yeah, you know, real powerful men want and love and cherish. You know, powerful women we forget this bro. This is

00:55:34--> 00:56:15

by the way, the appropriate sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam. When he was not out, giving Dawa, or in a husband or teaching or whatever, he was at home, serving his family, sowing his own clothes, milking the goats cleaning them, whatever helping us by serving them, right? That's how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was do? That's right. And just a strong man, for example. Some I think, look, you and I can afford to maybe put us clothes in the dry cleaners and get things done and all this sort of stuff and say to our wives do it and everything like that. But following the profit systems example, do your own ironing, which I don't think anyone can I'm better than me actually. So

00:56:15--> 00:56:19

no one does it. It might have been my brother. No, I'll do my ironing. I'll do my shirts. And

00:56:20--> 00:56:22

one brother said he loves it. He says like

00:56:25--> 00:57:06

Why Why not illegally take things from, from our wives take things that we can take on our shoulders. And that's not being simply in that way. They're empathizing, having empathy. I'm not the best one with empathy in every instance. But being attentive and conscientious This is very important. Being conscientious doesn't mean you're a simp being conscientious means I don't even use the term woke it means that you are aware you have cognition of those feelings around you. You are you are cognizant of their feelings and everything. I just want to come back in February because it's a bugbear for me as well. Yeah, seeing a man, okay, wearing skinny jeans. And he's not school

00:57:06--> 00:57:11

because his wife wants him to wear skinny jeans. And he's might you're my age and everything.

00:57:12--> 00:57:45

Thinking he looks really cool. And he's got this boyish hairstyle. Okay, suit him, it just makes his head look even fatter than it ordinarily is. And he's not because his wife likes that. That's impish behavior. And he's got, he's got these. And he's Irish. And he's wearing no socks in these shoes. And sometimes socks about shoes is okay. It's fashionable, but he's doing that and thinking he's 20 or something years younger, and his wife in him being like that. And I have to say to you, sister, or non Muslim woman is in that circumstance.

00:57:48--> 00:57:49

What are you thinking?

00:57:53--> 00:58:01

That's what this podcast is all about, bro. Let it rip, bro. Shots. Can you just get it off your chest.

00:58:02--> 00:58:40

I go in, I go out. I'm out with my wife, abdur-rahim. I'm going out. And I see these individuals walking with their bags feeling really good about themselves. And I'm like, my wife sees my face straight away. And she just goes Oh, no. And I'm like, skinny jeans is about 50 He's walking around with his wife and she's ordering them or girlfriend and she's. And he's doing Yes, yes, yes. And I'm thinking you look really peculiar. And that's the polite way of saying it. Then they give you a look. And they give you a look of disdain. They look at you like, what's what's his problem? And there's that man called like, don't you know you look like a complete Jackass to use my mom's

00:58:40--> 00:58:49

phrase, you look like a jackass, but they can't see it. So my thing is, let's say let's say this abdur-rahim Simple behavior,

00:58:50--> 00:59:12

or what appears to be selfish behavior when you're showing empathy when you're showing conscientiousness as long as it doesn't become the dominating characteristic, okay, that I'm just going to be this passive. wimpish Singh pish individual who, unlike my friends, and if he's watching this I'm gonna have a real good talk with him when I come back to London. I'm sorry

00:59:16--> 00:59:25

if your wife is telling you to wear stuff, that is glowing tight, and it don't you don't have time when

00:59:28--> 00:59:30

I draw the line at the glowing bro

00:59:35--> 00:59:53

the upgrade think is okay pink is cool. You can you can but once if you were with this gold, glowing silver stuff here and it's tight. And you don't have you don't have a six pack anymore. Bring you've got a 12 pack and you're wearing that and you're walking around

00:59:54--> 00:59:55

the one pack

01:00:00--> 01:00:00


01:00:02--> 01:00:16

you've got the the hysterics, the one exactly. And you think you're looking now you are gentleman, you are the input the epitome of a simp. If that's what you're doing,

01:00:18--> 01:00:59

if that's what you're doing, I think we need to move away from selfish behavior. We need to move away from this misogynistic, misogynistic behavior. We need to come back to the newest behavior with empathy, everything. I've said this already a few times. And as you've mentioned, abdur-rahim the prophets in the life of him and his behavior with his family, he was in the home or might have been an Cadabra. And remember, Sahaba was going to his home, and he could hear the voice of Omar's wife raised against him. And he walked away almost spoke to him and he said, I didn't know that his wife spoke to him. Like I said, these are our wives that this is how we discuss we argue, Omar bin al

01:00:59--> 01:01:05

Khattab de la who and the one who went Shakedown is walking down one side of the street, the Prophet SAW Islam.

01:01:07--> 01:01:20

No one would dare because he believed it and would dare call Omar ibn Al Khattab a simple shaitan road, but simplest, simplest behavior and brothers.

01:01:21--> 01:01:49

gentlemen who are watching this, stop sipping up, it's not good for us as men, it's not good for the women as well. And Lady, please do not expect, yes, we want our men to you want the men to validate you. But let them validate you because of the qualities that you possess. Let them validate you because of your self worth and your self assurance in that way. Don't make them into toys, don't test them to say if he's like this, then I'm going to show him

01:01:53--> 01:01:59

it you know what it reminds me of bro, you know, these, you know, these people walk around with those little dogs, you know, there's little show dogs

01:02:07--> 01:02:09

seeing that today,

01:02:10--> 01:02:28

all Russian men and other men built and I'm walking along the canal here where I'm living. And I'm seeing the little dogs that look like rats, okay, and they're walking along with them. And I'm looking now I remember back in the day, we used to walk with Rottweilers don't.

01:02:30--> 01:02:44

These little they're not even this smaller than Chihuahuas and a chihuahua three. So that now and then you know what they're doing after him. We know what we used to say. It's the pull factor. So they walk in with the dog and they see this nice lady walking down the road as well.

01:02:46--> 01:02:49

along the canal and she's got a little dog and the two little dogs.

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So he's showing her look, I'm with you. I get you. I'm simple, bro.

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Listen, all our listeners to this podcast. Yeah, I'll do hockey until this week did not know what simple was. And I'm telling you I'm the heart doctor of the hug Baker. Literally he has enlightened me now about what I mean. I think this is going to be the go to podcast on the planet to understand what a synth really is from the mouths of a guy who didn't know what it was last week. MashAllah he is writing the definition it's that big Russian six foot Russian guy walking down

01:03:36--> 01:03:37

with something smaller than

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to impress the women. Right who emotionally abused them anyway? That's it bro. Listen, you're good to

01:03:49--> 01:03:55

go right now. And I'm talking about I think they want me to cook better now bros

01:03:57--> 01:03:57


01:04:00--> 01:04:28

well, I'm not gonna call your sin pub Rahim. And I'm not gonna say your sins. I'm going to say do you have an empathy and you're conscientious towards your family? Just like when we take our wives outside no cooking today? No, no, no, I'm making the pizza I'm the only one who can make the pizza and my pizza is so good by the way no one even wants to eat pizza from outside the house. So when you come in surely gonna have this on my pizza inshallah. Definitely, and as long as you don't put the apron on when I come around.

01:04:29--> 01:04:33

I don't I very rarely wear an apron. I just get my

01:04:35--> 01:04:36

you shouldn't wear an apron.

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My dad used to and I'm telling you my dad was not a simp definitely not

01:04:44--> 01:04:59

all right, right. Listen, it's been as usual an absolute pleasure bro. It was a slow burner this one but Ma sha Allah and as usual Alhamdulillah the more you guys listening, get involved, the better it gets. We had some great comments here today as well.

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inform justice to the comments but we

01:05:03--> 01:05:04


01:05:05--> 01:05:08

green it's been a real pleasure. And from our

01:05:10--> 01:05:34

we did not expect that we would be take calls in each other to fool about in hysterics, but it was necessary. There's a serious site is still there, listen to that as well. And from us it's been a piece of cake. And we will see you next week is our common law here and thank you for all those who tuned in. And Somali comb wrapping to Llahi. We're very careful not to lie here.