Marital Discord Issues & Solutions – Abdur Raheem McCarthy I Alaa Elsayed I Kamil Ahmad
Channel: Abdur-Raheem McCarthy
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It reminds me of you're used to having Medina. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so I want to come over to La Habra cause everyone
will probably just be waiting for 3040 seconds for people to join in. And as the people join in, in sha Allah, I'll just do a bit of introduction. So alhamdulillah Alhambra, hamdulillah in Astana who want to stop Kuru when I was in the inventory and fusina women say to Marlena, well you have to hit Allah Who for Ramadan, let us let me use it in for that or the other. Why should one lie Allah Allah Who should or should when Namaha mother of two who are solo? Okay, Giselle, Kamala hair, everyone for joining us. And absolutely honored to have all the guests today and some of the guests on a very, very short notice. So just come on up there. Chef, Allah chef, Tamil, and obviously chef Abdul
Rahim, for joining us. Now basically, I'll just set the stage a little bit because, you know, some of you rather I think, some of the audience might not have listened to our previous discussion, which happened last week, which was basically a female panel, which was done by wasa Tamia to bed and say hi Shel wants this. Now, that particular session, we really focus towards
providing advice to the sisters to the vines to the vines to be an 100 Allah, you know, it was a it was a brilliant session. In fact, I would suggest that any of the people who are joining in today, if you have not listened to that session, then please do so, that is number one. The second thing is that today in sha Allah, our our you can say our philosophy has been that we have not been giving any cross gender advice, okay. So, we are what we are trying to do is that we are trying to advise Jonnie sisters from the woman's scholars and the brothers from the male Scholars, this is how we are trying to inshallah do it. So no one can no one can you know, say that we are patriarchal or you
know, whatever the case may be. So, now in sha Allah, this is the, this is the, this is the this is the scene in sha Allah. Obviously, none of this you require any introduction, so, I'm not going to be going into any kind of introductions, I will be starting with inshallah Scheffler being the senior most here. And as as Jacob already mentioned, that basically, you know, we are free to bounce off this as a discussion. Obviously, I'll interject wherever required but just consider I am not non existent. Okay. I'll just start with my questions. And obviously the show is going to be open for all the questions it's going to be taking slightly more than an hour of sheer color has to leave
right at the end of the hour, shut up to the game or share Carmel if you are also not able to join in after an hour then you know, please please let us know. Otherwise Yanni, we might stretch it to one and a half hours. So this is the scene inshallah. So I'll be starting with Chef Allah like I said, now and I will be starting with that in the context of the primary responsibilities of husbands because this is a topic of marital discord. So, the scenario is that there is some kind of discord which probably is going to be taking place in all marriages, that is as it happens. So what is the primary responsibility for your husband in a summarized fashion, if you can guide them on
principle most bless you all for your time and effort.
It's a noble cause from the lab, this is something that will definitely be the need.
For what 30 years either teaching courses or doing weddings or counseling, and most people really take a lot of things for granted. So communication is a key. And one of the things that most of us think that if I put the you know, the roof over their head, put on the table goes on their back. I'm done. There's a lot more than that. That's just one aspect of your financial
responsibility. So you think that you know what, I'm the breadwinner, and that's basically one of the secrets obviously but the way the 20 secrets between the two of them, one of them is that so you know you're the she eats from what you eat. Versus live we dress so she lives for you. When you live for example, you cannot just eat certain turf and give her crackers and cheese you cannot wear or dress like Gandhi was such a Giorgio Armani into you that you give her clothes from Kmart or Walmart. I don't know where it is in the world. I'm not sure what what what do you call it Slipknot in the UK or something like that?
Yeah, what is it
the national means that answer international but people know what it is.
And then you cannot live in a palace and she lives in a in a in a garage. So that's basically the minimum requirements of the financial aspects. Oh
only, but there's just so many of them again this this course takes two full days to explain. But there are obviously the responsibility I tell the brothers the first responsibility for you. Is the idea. Yeah, you are Latina Minobu and fusuma Alikum Nara Wahoo and nas 100. That's number one on the sports live Allah's lift number. This is not just the financial aspect of it, so on and so forth. But the IRS states Yeah, you had ADINA, which starts with oil believe it's conditional it Allah did not say yeah, you're Latina. No, no that Adi Yohannes. So Abdullah Masuda Dylon says of Allah who want to start with oh yo believe he didn't say all Muslims, he didn't say oh, you owe humankind or
human beings. All mankind is conditional upon your beliefs. You'll see some and I will turn I will listen to be nuts. I have no quarrel convinced me What's the logic not yet to make dua for me and all of the stuff that we hear. So when Allah subhanaw taala starts with that it's conditional. So it says
that but Allah Who You Are Latina and manuka Omri Omar, we have now united which means for Allah Azza da with oil believe it will be a command that will be followed to be ordained upon us or prohibition to be followed that will be forbidden upon us. So it says who unphysical who will retire it was mentioned over 200 times in that in the Quran to protect yourself obviously from the hellfire and the Wrath of Allah Subhana Allah Yura and physical force that means your leadership and that's your that's the priority that Allah has given you and the responsibility is given you have that what is the not inferior the superior complex? And this is exactly what Allah subhanaw taala has given
you the Kurama TV the Columbia is the responsible for for the sister to take her away from the hellfire and to go to Jana the Paradise will go and push the Como Alikum the Al is known in the Quran and about by Surah daddy when Musa salaam with his wife, and Brahim Islam with his wife and so on. So the scholars say in linguistics they mean family in general is specific in the in the wife and so on. So if you if you really want to know your first responsibility, my brother is to make sure that you protect that sister from the Hellfire
you take her with you to Jenna is not the what what most other things you know what? I'm the man who the man I'm the man I you know what I got? i She She drives Lexus. She wears her coat she got the blank bling. Dude, I'm the man with a man level like you're a male, you're a male. At this point, you're a male. You're not a man. A man is the one that actually Allah subhanaw taala says he had a jaton Allah did not see if he had the core.
Allah subhana jealousy when he mentioned the poor and those who come to the misogyny, those who make sure that they do with the Quran and Sunnah by Allah so called them reject. Reject is I have Allah this is the hold on to the covenant of Allah, Allah subhana wa Jalla yada. So this is obviously one aspect of it. The other aspect is we're actually putting them in my roof, you know, you've taken an oath.
And I'll finish with the oath because it's a very long topic, I want to also get the Musharraf to get there in audit.
Most of the brothers will take the oath for example, like for example, two o'clock I have a wedding and I usually say the same thing over and over. I tell the brothers do you know what you're about to do in marriage?
I used to ask, but it was embarrassing because not one single brother knew what I was talking about. So I stopped asking I just now just share and teach. So do you know what you're about to do? You know what you doing?
The ticker? Anyway, doesn't work. So I said listen, Allah Allah subhana wa Jalla. Viola mentioned this right here when you getting married in the Quran, he made sure that men never take this for granted. It says what I have been committed and vallila She has taken a stringent oath from you. I have not heard nothing in this world. That this did not mean this was not okay to hear. newness is the feminine tense, that mean your wife, men come meaning you
meet up with that is the pledge or an oath or whatever it is that you have to you hold on to win now you will you put your hand in our Father's hand or you accept that Abdo Qaboun
This is the strongest oath you will ever take Allah, Allah Allah Allah is not just an oath and Allah uses that word we talk between him and the messengers and prophets. But he says released earlier Nakata Rahman Al Rahim Allah will because he sees something that nobody else sees. So his work had not been committed and relieved and she has taken my brother, your wife has taken the strongest oath you will ever take. Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says the hook the rights the best, the strongest are book Mr. Hillel Toby Rouge. What you have committed to make whatever was a lawful and the private part. You're just study you're into become lawful meaning the marriage contract for
Allah subhanaw taala stated that me thought right in the Quran.
That means my brother, Allah Hokkaido jolla Villa over 1400 years ago as you build a slum to descend down on the Seventh Avenue to Prophet Muhammad from Allah, Allah to tell him to write this ayah in the Quran to play Yeoman play.
Have a recited Judgment Day, and you will be held accountable for it on Judgement Day and I'll give you the proof inshallah. But let me give you firstly, I, according to Abdullah and the Mr. Wheeler Dealer, I mean, it says Why should only one model deal with him and righteousness and what is known to be good, but according to who the majority of the scholarship claims have been assumed, hold on to her in the best way possible. And if things don't work out, may Allah protect you in that even if she's bad, do you still get out we have to be good to her according the ISR and definition that Michelle has no axon is not the score in this case and tabula rasa in the Hadith. But exam, the
scholars say, and essentially select San Antonio with sad when I couldn't understand I took some sad, which means son, being the experts matter in the behavior towards her, your wife, your being good to their gut, you know, that's normal, that's expected, but your son is being good to those who are bad.
And that's exactly what law says, What's up ally, let it be, well, ham, be conscious of Allah subhana wa Jalla Villa that you will be held accountable for on Judgement Day of Hamas, plural, the wounds, meaning the wounds of your family will come together wounds of your family on this day, but you will be held accountable for it on just Monday. Again, so very long topic. But I'd love to hear the input of the session and learn from the Michelle
would like to add
Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu. Salam and assuming that I think you know, what you said, it's the main thing that we need to focus on. And perhaps, you know, obviously we talk about what what are their rights, we automatically go to the issue, issue or the financial rights, you know, so she has read up on me for me to feed her to close her that she lives in. But we know the accommodation, but we don't focus on the most important rights, which he said is that we take them as agenda. Also another very important point. I mean, guys, I think most of us know the financial aspect of it. So we're not gonna go into much detail, like we said, we're gonna go into detail we can stay on just on
this first question. And that goes on. So I don't want to really
go too much out on that. But if you look, for example, the other issue is the issue of and how you treat your wife. And you know, and making sure that you give them their help when it comes to the emotional side and, and listening to them. Even look at the example of our beloved prophet symbolism. We understand the nature and the women. And that's very important in the proposition he used to dislike staying awake late at night, neither he had the night prayer to have to pray half the night or a bit less are a bit more so he had a duty it will leave it behind him. But yet any Aisha Radi Allahu Ana, she said that he or she would stay awake even tonight listening to her. As
she comes in, she told him that that's the nature of the way in which she likes to talk to husbands. That's her right upon him. So understanding her nature, treating our fair treating her good treating our economy, that's also her rights upon you. And I believe a lot of the questions they're going to come around the absolute issue of the time because this is a big problem that we have in the OMA is that sometimes as as the husbands we see that as long as we're feeding them, as long as we're clothing them, she has her house and the rest is done. The kids are on her the household chores are on her, everything is on her. And we're just kind of sitting back and children think we fulfilled
our duty, even when it comes to the children as well. And they're studying, they're eating, you know, they have their clothes, their accommodation, they call us we we've done our job, whereas the Tobia and what's our duties as parents is actually much greater than that. So I think those are the key thing that really to focus on. If you have come with add anything to that quickly before I
This window will hamdu lillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. Early he will certainly do Marian. My bad. I don't know if I have anything to add as
bull* Highlander, Shere Khan Raheem are much, much more senior to me. And what they've mentioned, I think is, you know, pretty much suffices on this particular issue of the rights or the responsibilities of the husband, we have the the Mad D responsibility,
the material and financial responsibility. And what's more important than that the Dini responsibility, and that is, you know, to make sure that
the wife is
you know, getting
what she needs
that will that will help her to reach Jana with you.
Because I can
share my coffee now the second question is now basically with regards to this obligation, riches and abundance so now as we as we as we all know, which is actually and we as brothers you know, and this is the male panel this the brothers panel says sure you can now the question is, are we are we allowing the sisters interest? It's a man only thing so we can
now the question is that are we supposed to be helping our sisters, our wives in the household, of course,
should we be doing? Obviously we know is from the sunnah of our beloved prophet is gonna love while he was in them. When we look into the Hadith, and how beautiful the Hadith was, when I shall be a loved one as she described, how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was, and he cannot be admittedly, but he was in the service of his, of his wife, and in the service of his wife alone. And he would help out around the house, he would make his own sheep, he would even saw his own clothes and take care of himself. And he was in he was very normal, like anyone else, as she described him, money will be a loved one at least, and that was to them. But then she said, when the team when it
came time for the salon knows now that they will leave the help of Allah subhanaw taala has come, it would be as if he didn't know it, and he helped around the house. And he has free time obviously, is that taking care of this, or it's any of this when he has free time here, he's helping out his family. But as soon as the event is called, that's the need that that's the call to the prayer. Now, that becomes my relief, it becomes my duty after that, and he will go directly to the prayer and Easter towards them. So creating that balance between where we fulfill our duties and then helping our family. This is part of being like the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and many of us we
want to implement the Sunnah in many aspects of our life. When it comes to these sinners, we kind of want to mend my yield to Allah, Yahweh, as they say, on the surface, that you don't talk about too much that you don't relate. But Subhanallah I'm gonna tell you from the title BSI then from building the families and the impact I've seen in my own house, and I know many other brothers have told me the same thing when you implement, the sooner the impact it has. Because even though if you if you have where you're the, you know, the bread maker, and she's the House Maker, and you have that that agreement amongst yourself, so she's doing her will leave our duty in the house, your duty, your
duty duty outside, but when you when you step in to help out, and it you'll see the impact it has you understand why the province has sent him and he taught us this sooner. And he said any cradle cradle community, the best of you are the best to do their families. And sometimes, for example, my wife and will maybe she's tired with the kids at night when she forgets, for example, to do the dishes. And from from you know, my way of him that I don't sleep at their budget, I'm awakened handler. So after I finish my session with the client, I go in the kitchen, I see sometimes me the dishes are there. So I can have that I can wash the dishes for and when, or even if we have a
dishwasher using the dishwasher, I mean, you straight up the kitchen for when she comes in, she sees the impact that it has on her and how happy it makes her and that.
And that shows her that you know you're there you're supporting it, it really is a team effort. Because we always talk about team team team, and then you disappear when it comes for your for your role to step up. Or when it's part of her time to be part of the team that you expect her to be there. That's when you have that balance. But it's very important as well that each one knows and we ended. And another important point I want to point out
is that sometimes in the days that we live in, we're both husband and wife work.
And this is a question that comes up a lot of the times by the sisters, I'm working just like he's working, I'm working eight hours a day, you know, going takes me an hour to get to work takes me an hour to get home 10 hours, she has the kids and this and that he still expects her to do all of the household duties, and he doesn't want to implement this sooner. So it's different. If you if you both are working, your responsibilities in house is actually going to become more now. Because it's not the same where she's free in the house, just for that because she's also and sometimes she she might be paying some of the rent paying some of the bills she's pitching in. But now you have to
look into outlet many of the brothers have that, you know, Carla, she has to do everything else. It's not for the student anyway. But especially in this scenario where you're, she's not working just like you're working, then here, you're gonna have to do a bit more on the house and Allah knows best, not Shambhala Now obviously, Yanni continuing on the same kind of, of topic. Now in the West, obviously this this scenario of both husband and wife working is is a lot more than how we would have in let's say in the Muslim countries or in the kind of the third world countries per se. Now developing developing world development goals. Now you can see Yeah, so do you, do you think that
this is a question? Because you know, from, let's say, from a Muslim country perspective, I need to be honest with you, I haven't seen a single household as of now, where I've seen the husband, the only helping device in the household. Of course, I haven't if if brother Carmel has have or if anyone has Alzheimer's and please let me know. But I haven't so far. So Yanni. Why is this is this a cultural thing? And why is this so?
Indeed it is culture because unfortunately an illness that some of us have is that the back home syndrome, right? You know, it's not necessarily the new generation because the C Home is where they're born, either UK, Canada or whatever they are in the world. So don't say back home. We still say back home because
were born and raised somewhere else. So this generation unfortunately has a little bit of a question mark and aspect on it because they're still thinking back home. They still think in the culture issue so they bring the baggage with them. So when we say that you my brother, when you first started with the wife, the Sunnah is to say, Allah hug but to pray to God with her. You're declaring in the beginning of your life, that the Creator is good in the creation and the religion is great tradition. So live accordingly. So we said like the shift with Allah.
Rahim, he says, cannot manage any of his machete. You know, he used to help us house chores. And so he's the best of creation. If you have better man, by all means, feel free. But there's no one that's better creation that Allah that Allah created the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So we have to actually recognize that fact. Because Allah Allah Subhana Allah, Allah says, look at cannula COVID rosulip, was 14 Hazara he's your role model says ALLAH SubhanA wa jelibean says what my word devil Rama the foundation of marriage was your Elena Kumar dorama what they didn't say my advice is my word. Nowadays the act of gentle compassionate overbearing Love is the source of
love. And this is Rama Rama mercy that what is that well my son laka Illa Ramadan Alameen to the Mercy Allah subhanaw taala sent to us this prophet Muhammad was ALLAH and he says he's you also as your role model will in quantum to a boon Allah factor Briony whether from Allah cool, Delphine in mushroom conditional yo eversharp fective Irani fact active Yeah, dummy it goes to the Prophet Muhammad is gonna which means what? He says if you declare if you claim that you love me, what's the answer for that? He says right away haste by following Prophet Mohammed Salah if you want if you claim that you love me, that's how I'm gonna love you if you follow Him. So we tell the brothers to
do four things at least send exactly what the Sheikh said. He says helping our stores we're not asking the brothers to quit their job and go ahead and ask them so serve in the home we're simply asking the relative you see why I'm doing anything you simply ask her Do you need help with this one? That's that's really a simple number two is the dig the hierarchy take the high road meaning of using the whole don't barrier extend the helping hand to lift her out of the hole like both of us do. And you know what don't stop dating your wife that's what I've done I've told the brothers all time you know usually when the brothers though get married they start working out
you know doing the push ups on the other lifting and oh my god like where's the beach and all of that? Yeah, gotcha. And after listening to the take showers they smell good the dress well we give them flowers chocolate poetry, after they get married
garlic onions, Allah help us Allah Yeah, I know my man. Yeah, no, I smell like on dude. Okay, so what happens the IS is Abdullah Vasco De La La and Canada Yun he used to beautify himself, his wife and I will not listen to you to give me give
me for Liliana hindlimb in Monrovia three whatever you ask them give them before they do you take you give and you lead by example of the you follow and give her a nickname at least Yanni. You know, Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam used to kind of get it out but if you still very nickname or Delana so you can call your wife Mimi due to looking at issues or whatever you want to call it, but just give her something. So the idea behind it is the oath or fear if you want to take with the because the scholars differ is obligation about a woman to actually serve the gym who the majority of scholars say no is not an obligation. So we call it spotlit not so benevolence is an act of
goodness. Not an obligation of honor. So this one leaves it like for Dubai Dubai for example. I know that sisters are not going to do this job they hire thing to do it but when I saw poor people like for me where
we have an unwritten rule but you know what I do the outside you do the inside however if the system now they both work some of the scholars says they have to now make a deal. Listen, if you we agreed our tradition our number back in the zone because Islam takes the melancholic no sorry, how can we accept it as long as there's not contradicting a clear idea and an Hadith that is authentic? So that's now hooba. Now in the provision if the MOBA has noted that you do and try to do the outside but you go outside now which is helping
as you get double the reward of helping you financially not an obligation, but it says double they will afford according to Harry now what happens if you are now doing as we agreed upon the some of the scholars says okay, well there's now she's responsible to get somebody to do their house chores from her own salary to be able to compensate for that that's some of the opinions not all but now if we both working and then some of the people that will not be able to make ends meet now you have to help also in the FE if you just open the outside you also have to help inside so it's the shower it's you know, you consulting with one another you're working on the same team I want to make sure
that you understand brothers there is no I in a relationship anymore. There's no me there's no myself. There's us we an hours from now on so you're on the same team and that's one way to address it. That you're you're doing this not to get the brownie points. I'm doing it to follow the footsteps of Rasulullah Salah
Because I want to be with him in Jannah. Again, hopefully about no.
But the brownie points are good too, man, I'm
coming to you, and it's a tough question, but I'm going to be asking you now. So now the thing is that brothers think that it is only the wise responsibility to profess love.
And, you know, normally people say that the husbands need respect. And the wives need love.
And if you kind of reverse it, they say that, you know, if it's okay not to be respecting your wife, per se, and it's okay as well. If Jani you're not professing your love for your wife. So how do you actually kind of make sense out of this kind of scenario.
I think once again, by by looking at, you know, how the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam treated his wives, and you find that it was, you know, mutual, it wasn't, you know, one sided.
You know, whether it be respect or love, but rather you find it was mutual. And that's what the higher, you know, attest to as well, which I'll never know what that and what
we made between you know, that, you know, love is being shown from one side, and not the other. And so, this is more of a cultural thing, I'm sure, there as you know, like many cultures, they have this understanding that, you know, the love comes from one side and the respect comes from the other. And so it needs to be mutual. And
it's based on that mutual love and respect, that relationship continues. And so many times when we find marital disputes and discord, it's because of, you know, that balance not being there.
You know, expecting more from one side, and, you know, not having that balance.
This respect and love equation.
I think it's very important, we understand, as I mentioned earlier, that the nature of women, and, you know, a woman doesn't just want love, she wants respect, she wants both of them as well. And she then she wants to, she wants to give you love, but she also wants to receive love. And to my experience and other stuff Allah has more experienced than us, Michelle and maybe you can add some things and others benefit. But what I understand and I've actually talked to my family, I talk to other sisters, we have a course we give about, you know, establishing the Muslim family. And you know, the things that sisters really are looking for is five main things and if a brother
understands these and focus on giving them his wife is going to be in some of the happiest woman in the world. And if she's the happiest woman in the world, inshallah you're gonna be the happiest man in the world and humbly left. So we all want to go back here to the brownie points and go back and to get an agile from Allah subhanho wa Taala put in that Buttercup but also Panem without mentioned and putting the more than a rock now this this type of
love and mercy in the household and what did he say that the test school you may have that you find that tranquility and your she finds that you you find it in her
and the unfamiliar bathroom no no and that you are environment fundamental garment for you it's it's it's a mutual thing as Allah said very clear in the eye so it's a mutual and the thing for both of them it has to be from both sides and even in the I mentioned the room John available me and I'll put it between us but so it's not just a one sided thing. But these five things that anything has a huge impact on on your on your wife and child first of all respect and then love and then affection and affection is any perhaps any a bit Deeper Than Love is the general you know the general thing but that affection showing that affection to or, and then the attention women love attention. And
even that we sit down with some of our sisters and we advise them once will do to borrowers want to put on makeup, wants to put on perfume. Anytime we've asked him Sister, why do you do this? I mean tomorrow, good sisters who have to have good Dean, but in this aspect, they're weak. All of them are looking for attention whether it's a Muslim woman, non Muslim woman, they do these type of things to get attention from men. So if a woman is in her house when she's not getting attention from her own husband,
then she's gonna look for attention elsewhere. And here's where many problems are so she she needs to get the attention you compliment her you turned out she's looking good that her dress looks nice, but it's just like you walk past her like she's not even there. She dresses up with any sisters have told us will lay they dress up for their husband. And she her husband comes in the house. And it's like it's like it's a parabola like she's she hasn't done anything I get dressed up for I put makeup on and he doesn't even make any any comment doesn't doesn't compliment. So women love attention. And the last part is is the intimacy that you know that you you
Before Well, in that aspect, if you're if you're fulfilling those roles as a man, with a woman, she's going to be the happiest woman in the world and make you happy as men and so on. And very, something very important that you have I mentioned earlier, is that sometimes we as men, and we expect this from our sister, or from our I know, from my wives. But when it comes to us, we don't do the same thing, for example, looking good. When it comes to looking good. Like, you know, shall I say, before the marriage, everybody's in the gym. And I remember we were on a retreat here in Turkey recently, and I was having dinner with my family and I lost some weight. And Michelle was working on
the morning with the other speakers on the shift. They're in the gym. So she hates them and her dad, he walked past and he said, he said to my wife, he said, Be careful sister. He said, usually, when a brother you know, work in his heart, his intention is very bad.
But this was before this. Then later, he has what instead of a, you know, is the big one pack the nine month you know, it's about, like it's about to deliver Subhanallah and but if his wife was going like that, he would be he would be upset, he'd be complaining. He stinks, but he wants her to smell good. Look at the sunnah of our beloved prophet Sallallahu Isley he was sending one of the first things he would do when He would enter in the house, as he would start with what would the mud sweat, and from the hikma that Scott has mentioned, that he would smell good, when he comes to go to kiss his wife, when he comes to give salam to His wife, know from the Sunnah kissing your wife, when
you enter the house, we leave the house. And even studies have proven that the relationship lasts longer. And these things are all in the sunnah of our beloved prophets and a lot right as being a gentleman. You know, like we said, you know, continue these things with your wife, not just when you get married, but all throughout the marriage and to keep the marriage but these are things we have inshallah to do to to act upon it sooner. He's He's also a husband. He's a role model. And so that was salam. So we're any have this lifestyle, we want it, you understand it, it's a two way street, just like the things you want from your wife, that you that you she also wants the same thing from
you, she wants to look good. And I remember and I've thought about like being in shape, because any I know my brother we were doing and he divorced his wife, we say she wouldn't lose the weight. I think a lot of brothers are the same thing. Those can play my wife got a bit big, bro, have you looked at yourself in the mirror.
Also a woman as well, she wants to see her man in shape. And she wants to see a man looks good, you know, I want to see something beautiful in front of me. So the sheet, it says the same thing as a two way street. And that's it. And when you take from these two it we mentioned about being labeled for one another, and also Gela Boehner come up between you. And this is so that it's a two way thing and that's how the job of marriage, the property is set up to send them out in this
moment is he said that the best woman is the one either nobody really has a Sabra to the P looks at her, she makes him happy. And the scholars had mentioned the look, obviously as part of that, but also even the clock as well the manners because when you see a woman who is you know, she's she's beautiful, she takes care of herself, you know, and a very important thing that it's not just about the beauty but someone that takes care of themselves. Because any we have problems with the sisters, even with the brothers inside the house, outside the house, Mashallah. In the house, as she gave me the script,
you'll see that the House Allama Stein, thing is the outer appearance, but also the inner appearance has a big impact. And as well as the tough love the man has an impact as well. But also he's having a hottie either another la he or several her that if she looks at him, that also is a he makes her happy as well. So you see, it's the mutual, you know, give and take. And that's what's gonna make a marriage successful in general.
Chef Allah Now coming to you another issue, which has been seen is that men are always complaining that I don't have time to give to the kids, I don't have time to give to my family, to my wife, etc. But what we have also observed that they have their own kind of secluded area, where they're either on their devices, if they are into gaming, they're playing games, or they're doing something else. This is now actually in this problem has reached epidemic proportions. And we're not talking about kids, we are talking about adult men. So what is your advice? Yeah,
that's a good question. I understand that. It's something that is it is actually tangible. And you're right, we have to deal with it. And it's not going to go on its own. So I learned this trick from actually from my wife. You know, the machines know that. We're always busy. We got a lot of things on our plate and so many things to do, but it's not an excuse.
So I usually look at my schedule a day ahead to know what's going on to my calendar. I saw my wife's name.
Does that name looks very familiar.
So she was trying to give me a hand do I have to book myself in order for me to see you Well, I
figured something shaven
taught me a lesson in a beautiful way.
So I came up with this method, I call it that the the Maya theory, then y o f, my off theory. And the M stands for my time. The Y stands for your time, The O stands for our time, the F stands for family time.
So I tell the brothers, listen, everybody's busy, I got it. Everybody's busy. But you have to do time management that you know, the four DS, right? Do delay, delay, sorry, do delegate, delete, delete, right. So it's the big rock theory, right? You know, the big rock theory, I mean, again, to be incorporated, his teachers time management course, and all of that stuff. And
so, it's not the time for it now, but at least let's stick with the Maya theory, I'm not going to ask you to go ahead and be you know, you know, your, your, your average, perfect, husband, whatever your human being, so I'm not going to tell you to do something that is not going to last. So let's be practical on this advice. So my time what I need. What I mean by that is, you know what, maybe when you come from what work whatever it is, you need the downtime.
Because it says, you know, you just can't come up until you ask me all the problems and all the issues and all the kids needs to calm down.
Alright, and the Hadees is there
when he lost his son, and so want to give him trouble. So I advice I advise the brothers and sisters to come up with the Maya theory and put it on the Google Calendar, so they know exactly what's going on. So my time listen, you can negotiate I have an hour of the day I can do whatever you like, I can surf. I can chill. I can play games. I can do the Macarena, raise the roof do the funky chicken, I don't, it doesn't matter. It's my time.
In return, I now realize that he's been looking over the kids and whatever it is that this is not working. I also need to know why that's your time, money. I look after the kids. You can go ahead, do whatever it is that you want to do. You want to get a facial pedicure, manicure massage, shopping, surfing, it doesn't matter. Just chill, do nothing. You can stay away from whatever anything
than the old time. I tell the brothers you have to take out your wife at least once a week. Once a week, you have to go on a date. Because here's what happens. We take it for granted. Don't take it for granted. Jeff Abrahim alluded to it. Can't take it for granted. Don't ever stop dating your wife. That's what I told the brothers all the time. Yeah, so at least once a week you go oh, yeah, I don't have money. It doesn't this my brother taught me something. It's not the beautiful places that makes the memories it's the memories that makes us beautiful. You can go on in a coffee shop and go on a walk do they love this stuff? Remember the emotional side right? And that's among the secrets.
They're emotionally based were physically based.
So if you think about it, you just need to tell her you know what that was? Doesn't you know the word that
I love you we can say the word I love
again back home language you're watching you say to live I love you dinner it you're not a man. What like the best of man says loses her Baja was blessed by her.
A lot of we have a problem with understanding cultural issues, to become truly know who our role model is and how he dealt with it. How he turned the glass age, what do you do, he put it he placed his lips where her lips wore, how he used to chew and I give I was used to take permission and so many things that Prophet Muhammad wanted me to do. And he's the best role model for life. So you understand that that so that's the old time and when you go on a date, if you talk about your problems, and about your kids, I'm going to smack you upside the head. You need to talk to you when you go out when you go on the date you talk about I remember the first time I seen you when my heart
was aching my knees were shaking his joy and thinking you don't need bacon and that computer
to revive this happy we have to also invest remember the mawatha isn't the beginning of relationship you need to invest you in the lovey dovey
investing relationship, but in the end of the relationship when you both get on each other's nerves. Yes. So you have to understand if it's a whole art, this you know getting married is I do I do get a license. You already know you have to take a course you have to take a course to drive to get your driver license. Why don't you take a course to get your marriage license. So thinking about it so the time
Okay, so family time, this weekend, Nanny, we're gonna go to your family. Next weekend. We're gonna go to my family. Third weekend we're gonna go to immediate family spending with our own and the kids have to pick whatever they want. Let's go bowling to something. So this is how you do it. Okay, so here's my last trick. Once you come home, I want you to put a box next to the door.
As soon as you come home you take out your cell phone, you take out your game whatever you take over the all the all your social media stuff your laptop, everything you put in the box. That's it.
Because statistics show that a male a man a husband will spend from 20
Is 60 minutes a day with their children?
Isn't that amazing.
And the rest is what happened have you know, so you need to take out all these distractions, work has gone to last unless you're a doctor you understand. But under normal circumstances, you come home, you take out all this stuff, you take this thing here, you put it out, everything you put in the box, when you leave the house, you take everything with you outside, when you're inside, you're inside. So remember the my theory, my time, your time, our time, family time, that's one way to do it. Allah Allah,
Sheikh calm and now coming to you. Now a related problem, obviously, you know, this is probably not the right forum to be discussing it, but I will just just want to touch base upon it. Because again, this is another one of those serious issues, which is, you know, the addiction to porn, and men, especially the brothers, this is a pretty serious issue, which probably we are planning to do a separate session. But again, if you can just advise exactly the issues with regards to porn addiction, which a number of brothers have, how to deal with it.
Yeah, it is definitely a big problem that, you know, is increasing is on the rise, especially with, you know, our easy access to it unlike ever before. And what leads many, many men to that, you know, the statistics also show that is that
what happens is, you know, that the the women, they grow in age, they have many children, and they're no longer appealing to the men. And so they start looking elsewhere. And obviously, this is not, this is not
an excuse, and it's completely unjustifiable, the prophets no longer it will settle them.
In a hadith, you know, he said, If you see
a woman, and you're attracted by her, immediately go to go to your, your own wife, because she has what the other woman has as well. And so, porn addiction is a major problem. And it definitely needs to be addressed. And I hope you do, you know, address it as a separate session. Yeah, all on its own in Sharla.
I think a very important part, I mean, the you can't really, in any, any separate session altogether, like you said, there was any, this actually is a pandemic. And these are dynamics, this is definitely a pandemic. And a scary stat is that when you look at some of the charts, I know if any of you have seen me know, like the color charts where they show like that, like 60%, the percentage of where they were, they watch these, the porn sites, many of the Muslim countries rank in the highest in those stats, even sometimes more than in the West, you would think in the West, we more actually in Muslim countries, and sometimes it's even the rates are that are even higher than
unfortunately. So what happens here is that, you know, the marriages are being destroyed by this. Because any these women, what they what they don't understand is that a lot of them not, not real women, it was operations, and this and that's their job, that's what they needed to do. So he's coming out, he's seeing this beautiful woman who's you know, you know, fit and trim, and it has all this, you know, plastic surgery, where they looked at his wife.
And this is what's happened now is he's no longer attracted to her. And the marriage starts to what to, to be destroyed. And at the same time, also, something that happens is that a person who eventually gets addicted to the porn is that even that they cannot perform later. With with a real woman, it's just that fantasy, he has to be in front of the screen in order to get the fantasy when it comes to even be able to perform with his wife. And this is something this point here, I focused on a lot with my students. You know, the younger brothers were like in high school and, and university students, that look, I know, I know, a lot of you guys get involved in that. But you have
to realize that sometimes you get so involved that you come and we have problems with this. People come with their wives, and they just got married, and it's the real thing in front of it. He can't perform because it's just that fantasy, the real thing, is that something that appeals to him because of what the addiction has done to his mind and then to it to his body. So it's it's a very, very scary thing. And here, we're talking about that in some of the Haram aspects, you know, the issue of the sin that happens upon Allah when you do that, I mean, all of us know that and it's something which I'm hoping from other aspects and the impact that has on you and on your marriage. I
think that's something really to focus on because this is what's happening in the household.
Now, man, I just wanted to actually touch base upon it, because obviously, we cannot do justice to this topic and in the few minutes we have remaining. Now shareholder coming to you another issue, which normally men,
we can argue have an incorrect understanding of is that they have an incorrect and
Standing in the shoes.
And this is a pretty serious issue especially in the Muslim lands where Wi Fi thing is kind of a habit. You know, a chef What is your Nasir? What is your advice? Well Nash's has different meanings Natchez meaning it not just let me be disobedient to the husband also to the his family and there are different aspects of it Inshallah, so we want to take it in and I want to take it out of context, but the way we behave towards it is unfortunately some of us it's appalling.
So the scholar said, there are stages in order for you to get to the final stage and that even that stage is a is an option you don't have to take it's not like mandatory so you go through these options. That's number four. Well, you know what, I gotta do this. And even if you get there we are also restricted to do certain things for us even with Slack and slack goes just it's such a kind of
a metaphor. It's not an issue that you actually do so so please understand first of all, you know what?
That I should have wouldn't have in my room did you do Did you do the actual one who first was talking about the the wisdom and kindness and righteousness? Did you look at yourself remember the sandwich theory? Remember the missing tiles theory? All of that stuff? Did you do everything? So for example, in order for me to tell the brother listen, you got there How did you get there? Do you think your wife stood up woke up in the morning? Didn't hear words there km did or that then your plan then the budget and then you had your breakfast? Get everything else and all of a sudden out of no reason was disobedient to?
Absolutely not nothing? You know if it is to be it's up to me, I tell the brothers all the time. Listen, you knocked on the door of this girl and you chose this girl didn't come after you.
Did you pick her on the fork?
And the only thing that remembers one and I'm sure that must have know what I'm talking about? So why did you pick this girl that you have though that will look in the end that you have all of that stuff? But forbid that it did anybody that can all of that the true winning and the ultimate is the is the background and the possessor of other tournaments? If
you lose everything or if she hasn't, you will gain everything so I tell the brothers it was you that knocked in the door you pick this girl did you go through the shadows to harassment?
Did you go through the consulting did you use to harder than you determination? Did they follow that put my trust in Allah? Was it a reason that you had to do you know what kind did you do your homework? Did you go through the the four steps the four by four? Did you know what kind of person you are? The three types of person that you have to or your child or your parents or your mother? Are you are you an adult? Which one did you pick? Did you know anything about and so on and so forth? Did you get married for the wrong reason? Did you marry for a piece of paper did you get married for
so we I have to dig in order for me to get to heal the illness of that. So it says Allah Allah subhana wa Jalla uses Paragon
and before that, I should warn them how to deal with them in righteousness because that's the reciprocating and after that, he says Did you ever attack a lion bra be conscious of Allah subhana Angelica here's what the client states here's what the brothers will have said let's go back and do this the third stage that's not working yet so how come when you go back and you you get a person that the head of the family that people respected words of wisdom that the calm cool collective minds that will prevail? And as the one from her family one from your family
that they discussed on divorce? You know what this is the last before I before I divorced you listen wake up this is for real now. We're gonna lose our kids we're gonna lose our lives we're gonna do it. But remember that fourth stage is the as I said before, it's an option you don't have to take you cannot leave a mark you cannot hit the base you cannot do that the simplest way and the no reason at all. There's so many restrictions.
So profitable hamazon services this person here la vida V.
This person is no good. This man here.
He says the he treats his wife like a beast in the morning and he wants to be intimate with her that night.
So what I tell the brothers LISTEN TO HAVE YOU DONE like when when we talked about you know how to treat your wife before the prevention is better than cure. Look at the root cause analysis. I tell the brothers when you say you know I love you doesn't have to necessarily say I love you.
You know, if you're a practicing Brother, I will tell you at least five times even though your statistics show that you need to hug the person eight times a day, eight times minimum.
So I tell the brothers that five times if you're a practicing brother, I tell you you have to tell your wife I love you. You can tell I love you. But if you can, if you're the type of guy that you say he is
the way if you're the type of guy that can say Allah Allah Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, Allah Allah Allah Vinci
did you have to give her a look? Hug? A kiss, a touch
or breakfast in bed and note on the fridge anything yeah I mean anything you understand when we were talking about making love and all that stuff do you think making love is good when you get the night pack nice dry dude know what cut the movie and you know what Allah subhanaw taala says proceed with yourself Yes Maybe I understand one of the ratios which is your children come with you and family to Jana and all of that so what they would ever say was also foreplay that foreplay huge difference and the foreplay starts at the beginning of the day not at night.
Yeah Which when you wake up in the morning
how many times that we did the Terms of Endearment How many times do you get extra I'm thinking of you and and and all of that will not resolve to what you are because Allah He if I know a brother that beats his wife Wallahi you know if this happened to my daughter his geneticists tomorrow
because you think you're the man you're the man Okay, well bring it come. Well, let me shift you're not a man. As I said you're a male you just have a penis between your legs. A man will never do that. Because Allah He let he let you know hey, you know it's a debt you have to repay. I told the brothers Listen, can you imagine?
Did you imagine your wife come to you one day says honey I have some good news doctor told me I'm pregnant.
So you prostrate to thank Allah for the gift he's given you.
You put your hand on her tummy and you feel a kick to start listening. You start talking you pick names, pick colors, pink wolves, then how do we do with the day to come because that deal because above you'll never forget that day. And you'll never forget the day she actually calls you up. And you never forget today. She's smiling in your face but you forget them through the world. And you never forget today she raised her hand to be carried by you. And you never forget today. She ate solid foods for the first time you'll never forget that he walked over you the first time and you'll never forget the day that you walked away from you go to school for the first time and you'll never
forget the day somebody come up to you door knock on your door ask for her hand in marriage.
This is our father was given your hand you trusted you. They trusted you. Did you imagine when a father says I give you my daughter's hand in marriage and he says I accept marry your daughter coordinate book of Allah and the Sunnah of Rasulullah salah and the greatest gift that was revealed about conda Amana Wallah you betrayed the covenant and that's why if you think you demand Allah says that Gu come to me my man
if you think in Lavaca kadakkal And that's what Ivanka CODATA La La
do you think you're so powerful remember the power of Allah over you?
So if could you imagine this girl that stole your heart? Can you imagine you hear somebody else doing that to her? How would you feel go hmm deal with that? So before you do anything Think twice because the dead somebody will do that your daughter somebody will do some blood from your loved one so what things you have to do before you even think about it as an option that you don't have to take
him to would like to add something or she'll be slightly digress from this kind of a serious I think I think I'm the what was it was more than enough I'm gonna do mine do you mind if I have to
um, that I think she mentioned he definitely highlighted enough when it came when it comes to the lead issues and if you want to move on or some No, no, no, no, the thing that I think what he said at the end of analog and even to be honest with you that I think a lot of times we talked about this shoe and you think that makes you a man a lot of us talk about that aspect of it. But the aspect he mentioned about it coming back to your door I think that's something really people will need to think about that you know, that's something that none of us would allow you know, and I remember the only fight that I actually got into as a Muslim
I don't know can remember that there was a bus driver when we were students in Medina was a he closed a closed the door on my daughter's leg. And this is actually at your daughter you know, and I beat to do them as your daughter I beat him up pretty bad man. I mean is the most of them he drove the bus and she was being pulled by the bus and things like that and they've been through with some of the stuff he didn't stop. So you gotta you gotta be down for it. But the point was that that's my daughter you know? So I mean that that that sister that brother is putting his hand on also someone else's daughter and that that was shipped out I mentioned about that coming back
to your own door I think that inshallah should should make brothers think more it doesn't make you a man and then you know that's something that it's metaphorical. It's not you know, the conditions must be met and that you're that you can't do when it when when hitting a woman in the present. He described the man as being the worst of them, the one with one hit two women. So it's not something that you know that something that
is acceptable or makes you someone who's strong. And in fact you
When you know the yelling, or that shows that type of weakness, and when you have to scream to get your point across, so you have to become valid to get your point across. That shows that you're that's actually a level of weakness and the true strength is the promises me said the one who wish was, was the strong one is not the one who will control interval time. And that's one of the wrestle people down
some very beautiful
color. Now share common coming to you in sha Allah. Now another issue which has we have seen we have kind of touched on it, but a lot of men especially, you know, and I'm asking particularly you this question, because you know, especially in the subcontinent, in Asian cultures, what we have is that we have a lot of men actually sitting like lame ducks, with their houses and not working. And, and kind of, you know, waiting for kind of the violence to make the ends meet and asking them to work. And, you know, and we have this, this, this serious issue, especially in the Asian cultures, I'm sure it's there, and other cultures as well, but especially in the subcontinent, it's heavy there.
And this even exists in the west where
we have, you know, government support, where, you know, a lot of men, they don't go to work, and, you know, they sit at home,
getting employment insurance, from the government benefits, etc.
you know, they neglect that they're sitting at home being very lazy. And then they expect, you know, they expect, you know, they're willing their wives to, you know, give their rights to them. And so,
you know, Allah subhanho wa Taala does not like the, the people who are lazy.
But rather, those who are diligent and those who are, you know, hardworking.
Something very beautiful, that was said Bahama and Pablo, their loved one. And he that he used to dislike any Accra, seeing someone who has not been busy and better himself, and the dean or better himself in the dunya. This is the way of the true believer that we have to constantly better ourselves, if a brother is taking support from the government. And I remember one of the things that
we really face as a community in Ireland that really made us look bad to that to the Irish in a society, me as the non Muslims, how they looked at the Muslims, they looked at me, but it's not just Muslims. To be fair, I mean, many of the people who are coming from, as they say, back home from the from, from the Eastern cultures who are migrating there, whether they're Muslim or non Muslim, but I mean, a lot of them were Muslims, who would take advantage of the system or wouldn't work and would get the benefits and just sit home and chill out, make more babies, maybe you get you get more money and things like that. And even I remember someone that we will get benefits for the kids. And we
will tell them, you know, put them in an operand school, you know, send them to, to martial arts and different things. So we can't afford these things. The government gives you 130 euros a month, 150 euros a month for for each kid, you can, you can, this is what it's for, it's for the further betterment, but they will be taken up money to benefit from themselves. So that type of laziness, it gave a really negative
impression of what Islam and Muslims, you know, our humble, our brothers, who the doctors made many, many, many of the hospitals there 60 70% of the doctor was actually Muslims and 100. So that made us look good, and
many people are taking advantage of that system. So many and this is something that's not acceptable. It's not Mr. Ahmad obey Allah when he looked down upon the individual even he saw one man who was devoted to worship in the Masjid Al haram and McKim. And he asked him, you know, what do you do? He said, I'm just imagine you're worshiping God who takes care of you. He said, My brother, he said, your brother is better than you. Your brother has been abused. So this is the true believer is constantly trying to better himself and him that now with with with the and we talked about this with our isolation during the show about the lockdown with COVID-19, that you know, the stuff you
can do online, indeed. And in dunya, both aspects, you can constantly humble and be able to better yourself and humble. That's how the believer needs to be even I remember one of my brothers, may Allah bless him in Ireland.
He was like he was honestly he was looking for a job not doing him cheating the system. But he said, You know, it's I can't find a job. And he was a teacher of the Quran, but he only memorize two juices. But he said I read the Quran all the time. And she said, Why don't at least you know, because I have to be responsible to Allah for the money I'm taking from this government even for non Muslim government. I have to better myself so why don't we focus on memorizing the 400 Allah and seven months he memorized the entire Quran. But listen to him benefited from his time and something and better himself in one I suppose aspect of the demon
because I put on the first ship to him now kind of the last question
Before we move on to the audience question and answers Inshallah, now the, you know, I'm sure a number of brothers would would like me to ask this question. So I would, I would ask us in Java, which is that
which is a problem as well as probably the you know, there needs to be some kind of an advisor which is
in again in the Muslim lands, yawning apart from the Arab lands, especially if you're talking about subcontinent India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, even I would say Malaysia, Indonesia, maybe even Turkey, you know, you would know better. Now this plural marriage, this is an issue which
Jani is kind of almost dead. Jana, you won't see a lot of families.
A lot of men having multiple wives etc. Now, what is your Jani? What is your kind of overall advice in this situation? I'm not asking a specific question, because again, this is a very vast topic. But is this a sunnah there are other sweeteners which are out there, which the men can practice but, you know, again, is this something which is up you would feel is a requirement of the time now.
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a requirement, but it still is part of the deen. And some scholars see this being the awesome being the origin. And the eye, when Allah subhanaw taala told us that you know, to marry methanol with whatever little bar to three or four. And then if you can't go ahead, if you can't be added up just and only one. So many of the
other scholars say that this is the original for the Muslim men is that more than one, and the one who can't be accepted is the one who can't be Justin, he only takes one, whereas many people now they say, Oh, the origin is one. And sometimes an exception to the rule is that you might have two or three or four. And this is what follows with our ship shipping beds or himolla. I used to say that this is the alpha this is the origin is that you get to three or fours there is enough demand. And one scholar I remember he did a research, he told me, he had three, he did the research. And he said that, from his research that every single Sahabi from the better to you and you know, the
better you and the ones who attended the battle better, that he said every single one of them 313, or what the exact number was that all of them had more than one wife. So this was the original of the way of the Sahaba were the province of a lot while he was in them. Obviously, when it comes to the law, each country is different. And they know you have to take that into account in Be careful in the country that you live in. But it is something that has, you know, many benefits. There's and in fact, to be honest, we've seen that a lot of the marital problems that
occur in a marriage, sometimes there's one of the first marriage or fix sometimes when the husband gets gets remarried, and others just don't wanna hear that, you know. And so brothers come to it's like, wow, the relationship with my first wife as become much better and Mittman. And this is once again, it comes from from both both sides of the marriage. What happens for example, some of our sisters who are a bit negligent with themselves, once he gets married again, she becomes between Mashallah. But at the same time, sometimes you know, that you we think as brothers that the grass is going to be greener on the other side. But sometimes when brothers get married, again, they realize
how beautiful their first wife is, and how much they love her. And they actually sometimes it's actually in many aspects more attached to the first one, the second one. So actually, a lot of times it brings their relationship stronger. So we always think that it's something that that's, that's something that
that just comes with evil. So sometimes that's coming out of good, but it is a responsibility. It's something that that's something that's not easy. And it's not it's not something that every man can do. So each person needs to know, what are my capabilities, just because there's a sunnah just because like, what are the facts that I mentioned, we take this this view, that is the origin.
Not every man can do it. And then you have to be able to know who you are. And it because it's not it's not easy if the best of women,
the Omaha mini the wives of the President, if they became jealous, it was difficult for them to handle. So what are you gonna think about our sisters in jealousy can lead to a lot of
a lot of bad things that happen sometimes. And a lot of times in the beginning as well. There can be a lot of turbulence a lot of times, in some of our sisters, they freak out, they go crazy. They do things that you would never thought they could do and even religious sisters, but then eventually they allowed them to we've seen that they come back to their senses and realize it's not worth destroying my marriage and having my children be somewhere else but and the beginning some things have to absolutely not all men are gonna be able to be able to handle that turbulence that comes in the beginning. So it is difficult, and I remember the same scholar who told me about this research
that he did about
The Sahaba from but there is, a lot of people, they look at it as just the intimate side that a man gets married for this. And that's what he's benefiting.
But there's all the responsibilities that we mentioned in the beginning, all of them come with each one of them. Now,
they and he gave a beautiful example, I can't pick up the table that I have no small one in front of you. It's like the small tables that we have, or the small tables, we have the school give the example of that. He said, you can imagine if you've come and you put that on top of your head, like a small table like this, right? And you hold it for some time, eventually, you're gonna start getting sore on your shoulder, that's just one table. He said, Imagine now, if you come and you put a second table on top of that, and then you put a third table and somebody says, you're trying to balance that this is the reality of what it is. So it's not just that, you know, at nighttime,
mashallah, you're the king and it's gonna be their responsibility that comes with that. And not every any, every man has the ability to handle that. But like you said, there are many benefits for society. And when ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada, well, we have to remember, and this is for the brothers, and for the sisters, is that a law isn't hecky.
From the names of Allah subhanaw, with Isaiah, he isn't a hotkey, to always depend on what's on it. So when he made part of his Shediac,
the permissibility, for the man to have more than one wife, there's a commandment.
And we can mention many of the benefits and I think most people know them, but like many of our sisters, they don't want to, you know, talk about those things. Just like when we go back to the question earlier about,
about doing the chores in the household for the brothers, we know that soon, somebody's gotta want to let that be on the side. So he would ask his sister now, she could tell you, the heck must have benefit for this society for this and you'll find and then you see the way of this harbor, if a sister was to habia, and her husband was killed in battle right away, they would step in, and you have to that to to marry her to take care of her to take care of her children as well. You see many of the benefits that come from that. It's not it's not for everyone, but it is something that can, you know, fill in a big void and, and, and, and a lot of the problems that we're having in society,
and whenever we drift away from the sunnah of our beloved prophet Sallallahu, either he will send them and all aspects who would be a major student on a small segment, it's going to have an effect and have negative effects on the ummah.
Inshallah now we'll start to take the questions from the audience. So Brother Tamil the first question you can see on the screen now
what if the husband's attitude
towards religion is non serious type while the wife's life completely rolled wolves around Islam? So in that case, she always guides her husband to do the same.
So I don't know. Like what the question the questioner is asking that what should the husband Danny, I think husband is kind of Yanni. There's a second part to this as well. It's a very long winded thing you can you can have a look at this one as well. But what if the husband gets irritated by the behavior and wants to live his life freely? And a dispute over this happens all the time? What do you suggest for both husband and wife in that scenario? Yeah, obviously, you know,
if the sister is more practicing the deed, and this is actually very common,
what happens is,
one of the two will start practicing later on in the marriage. And usually, usually, it's the sister and we've seen this a lot of times.
And it does, it does lead to problems, but the sister needs to have patience with that, she needs to realize that, you know, she needs to be very, very patient. And, you know, yes, he will be behind you, you know, it will be lagging behind.
if you remain with him, then you know, and put your trust in Allah and work work towards, you know, getting him to your level, then Inshallah, if you do that, then Allah subhanaw taala will be there for you. And we've seen that in many cases, where eventually, eventually the man ends up catching up, you know, he ends up catching up, you know, many times, you know, the man was not praying. And then, you know, later on, many, many years later, you know, he starts praying because of his wife. So, you know, it requires a lot of patience from from the sister side.
To get to him, the next question is for you. This is the question
What if a husband does not give time and does not communicate properly? And this is a major problem that's one of the you know, the things that I think you know, the chip I mentioned,
when I take a course
I have a course that I give about that. And it's for the people who are just getting married but also the for the people who are married as well to kind of try to fix some of the problems that they have the issue of communication. And and what was the other part of the questions you mentioned, if you can put it back up, you should the communication
and spending time okay. Okay. So that doesn't give time and it doesn't communicate property. So these are two major issues.
I think it's very, it might even be more common maybe in some of the Muslim countries. I know in some of the Gulf countries for example, where I lived a long time, the minimum like basically never even in the house. So Pamela, you'll find that they
they're always out with their friends and always hanging out. And then they said they don't have time. So when you look in the in the sunnah of our beloved prophets of Allah send them any, when Selman will be a lot more on campus to spend the night with, I would have that for the long run, and he noticed that his wife wasn't taking care of herself. So that's what's wrong is that your friend has no interest in women. He just saw anybody in 110% a bad day. So when when he came time what to pray during the night, first of all, he was fasting, he made him eat with him, when he came to wanting to pray during the night prayer, he made him you know, sleep and then pray later. And then
he said something very, very profound. And this is this how we need to focus as Muslims how we divide our time, he said in Arabic alaka half mature Lord has has a health has a right upon you. What leadership, how can you have a right upon yourself when mechanic happened, your family has a right upon you buy it a cooler they happen halfway through. So give every single one it's due, right? You give a lot his right, you give yourself your right take care of yourself, you have your free time.
And at the same time, you have time for your family as well. Very beautiful. I like I wrote down any, and then we benefit from one another. And I wrote down some of the benefits of benefit from stuff in y o f and others. That's a good one I'm gonna and it did we actually divide the time like that we're friends, it's very, very beautiful. So you have to give each one their right that they're happy with the right Islamically. When it comes to the issue of the communication, there's a big problem all of us face. And sometimes I think one of the problems that comes to that, and I've benefited when I was sitting with the president
is knowing the nature what is my personality, you know, you have the different this thing where, you know, am I dominant Am I this and so sometimes the problem is, is that we don't understand the nature of one another's, it's very important to understand the nature of,
of our spouse. And the problem is, is sometimes even even we deal with some some families to understand the nature but they don't respect the nature is a big problem. Jeff, Allah mentioned something brilliant. When the man comes home from work, he doesn't want to hear the problems, give me a little downtime, give me a little lazy time, and then come at any time. But there has to be a time where you let your wife know this is a good time to communicate. A lot of times the sisters say that the husband does not communicate properly. And that love times is because you don't choose the good time, you don't use the proper time. So you have to choose when is the good time for us to
talk. But when you give them that time brother, then you have to fulfill that then you have to make sure that you listen you communicate during those times. So it's something you have to sit down you have to sometimes we literally have to go old school, we sit down with the pad independent and we write it down and what is the good time. And when I'm coming home I'm tired from it's not a good time to talk, then we're not going to talk at this time. Even we haven't even the other agreements, if it has to be that this was our agreement, and we don't go out on it. And when a good time for me, is you know, after I've relaxed when I come home from work, I've I've had my dinner we've sat down,
we I've had my cup of tea, there's a good time, for example, but this once you you give it a good time, bro, you then you have to fulfill that and when it when it comes time to want to communicate. Now it's time to communicate. And the sisters and sometimes you don't want to have any sometimes just like to go into a lot of detail on this. And men generally don't like too much detail once you get the picture. So it guarantees exactly the next question which is
understand the nature.
Exactly. So a lot of requests come in actually, this is exactly what the next question is.
Yeah, so I think the best advice we can give is
to you know, to be patient,
many times you just have to, you have to listen to her. You know, yes, we she will go on for an hour.
But, you know, you can't ignore her either. Because, you know, she wants she wants you to listen to her. She, you know, she that's her nature to be like that. And so,
to be patient with it and also to advise her to advise her.
You know that, you know, I've got your point.
Now we can move on kind of thing.
che Rahim. Now, this is a very important question, which is now coming up, especially in the country, which you're living in. There is currently a play from that country, which is being paid in some Muslim lands,
And but this is kind of a generic thing. Yeah, yeah. Actually, the crazy thing is I actually made a video about this, but my YouTube channel, I haven't started preparing, I gathered up all the things we're talking about, I haven't actually made it yet, but it is encouraged me to remind me to actually do it.
This film anybody is asking about, like, auto learning. And you can see any, there's a lot of, there's a lot of good in the film, there's a lot of things which was aren't correct. There are some things, you know, dramatic, soupy things, even issues, even Araby, who was a very
he's a figure, obviously, they shouldn't have put because he never met him at all. Anyways, a very controversial figure, and perhaps the producer, I think, during the the later series, he,
he might have realized that, you know, because I think in the later part of the of the series, he ended up not showing up anymore, where in the beginning, that whenever he was in trouble, he would think, and then he would appear and you know, and he would almost like stuff when I saved him from the, from the, from the situation that he was in. So that I mean, there's a lot of good at the same time, it brought a type of an honor back to the amount we're going to be seeing some of our heroes, and I think the there does need to be anywhere, the scholars, this is something I'm gonna give a first one here now, I think the scholars do need to look at the issue of
because if you look at the impact this film has had on Muslims around the world, it's very huge. And it's it had a good impact on many of the Muslims and bringing it back to the deen and, and seeing that we do have heroes. But the problem is we don't know our history. And when it comes to the issue of media, we don't have no proper highlight alternatives.
You know, whether you're starting from the lowest level for the cartoons for the kids, you know, I talked to many, many people about this who have money on TV channels, but they never focus on doing these things. But this series shows us the impact that it could have. So you have to try to we need to get where we can have these certain things which which are haram to be able to want to take them out that day. Because these the these films have a huge impact on the people. But if you if you look at the amount of time that people spend on these films, it's a huge amount of time anyway you have to see that they've asked about humans damage is something that truly comes back with benefits. But
I think we need to you know, produce you know, more high quality films which you know, will be closer to you know, what, you know, being Halal alternatives, even historical documentaries for us to know, for us to know any are Muslim heroes. And like when I did a video, you can check it on my YouTube channel, the Muslim commander who went 50, you know, on the battlefield, and I said in the beginning of the video we all know you know, Floyd Money Mayweather went to do it, you know, and boxing never never defeated? What about the Muslim commander who went 50 and o on the battlefield? And actually what lay Most have never even heard of us. And actually the honest when I received the
video about him, I never heard about it myself. So this is something that no there needs to be looked into.
Getting that history out there letting us know that we too had we have heroes, and I have a football game as well about any Muslims knowing their history, when a few a few YouTube channel actually I think I forgot to put it on my YouTube channel, maybe upload it maybe later on tonight. And then for the Muslims knowing history, and you'll see that we have so much in our history of a true Muslim heroes. But unfortunately, we don't we haven't had it was put it out there for the ummah. I mean, this was a try in order to put it out there money. So then we have to be I think Justin saying there was a lot of good, a lot of things that were taught to Omar, but there are a lot of things against
the city on it as well. And you know, I think more so than just the music and the women, you know, I mean, I mentioned that because the issue sometimes of the dishes even honor the other things that were there were actually were actually worse than that. alum stuff.
Is that Calaca chef,
second last question in Sharla. Before we have kind of six minutes to go. So this is the question for you shake Tamil I think this has been covered to an extent. But I think but for the brother is looking for some kind of practical advice. I think. Maybe he's shy or I don't know.
Yeah, it's like what was already discussed?
Yes, especially coming from certain cultures, the Pakistani culture or any other. It's looked down upon it
To help to help the wife, you know, with the household chores, is looked down upon. And, you know, if a man, you know, understands that this is a sunnah and he wants to do it, he'll be hesitant, because of that culture that he comes from. And so just like with anything else, that are the teachers,
you know, there's no shyness in it, we should not be shy, we should not be hesitant, but rather, if we're determined that okay, you know, this is something pleasing to Allah subhanho wa taala. And, you know, it's from the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW Selim, and I'll be rewarded for it, then, you know, that will make the hesitation to go away from Sharla. And, you know,
obviously, you're not going to start, you know, doing everything in one go to Raju. Rather, the advice I would give is to start gradually, step by step, do something small. And then, you know, gradually build yourself will love
it. And she has the last question, again, I think she had, Allah has explained this in a beautiful way, but maybe a better reminder benefits to believer. So if you can just do a summarized answer of some of the tips, again, for some for the brothers, inshallah.
And there's really beautiful chef Allison, and I think we don't need to add too much. To me, just as a reminder, main issue, I actually wrote it down eight hugs a day, I wrote that there was pretty good. And
if you had to make sure to do it, do I get my eight and you know, in this day, five times, I love you. And Savannah, and it's very strange was coming from the west.
Where were, you know, it's something very normal for us to say, you know, to our spouse, we love you, or even to our children, where there's actually
any video on YouTube where they did it in our lives in the UAE, where they had the kids, you know, from, I think, like, you know, maybe like fifth grade, fourth grade young kids, where they sent messages to their father, you know, saying, I love you. And they're like, you know, what's wrong? What's happening, you know, and I remember even some, some, some coaches are our brothers also uncertainty, and others, when they did this in their courses. They had them you know, saying, I love you to the wives. And, you know, when they, when they got it from their kids, their brothers, they were like, you know, what's wrong? Why would you tell me this? And when the wives received it from
their husband, they were like, what's wrong? You know, did you, you know, are you sick is something wrong, you know, something's gonna happen to you, or your diet, or something like that, because they're just so shocked to hear it's upon them, whereas it has, it has a huge impact, you know, on the family even there's some studies proven that the marriages that lasts longer when the when the husband any kisses wife upon entering the house, and leaving the house as well. And you can even find this in the sunnah of our beloved prophet Sallallahu addition. But this isn't it, this is something that will show that affection and also what shall I mentioned was very beautiful, is that
it starts from the data and a lot of times we thought we look at the intimacy and the thing about what's going to the night the night part of it, but for a woman, it's actually a work of men were different. And I think this is so profound for us to understand any any
marriage is going to be successful, you have to understand the differences between men and women, there's differences we're not we're not the same, we're equal in many aspects Yes, but we have to understand the nature of men it's not the nature of women and there's many good videos on YouTube and non Muslims many who talk about this you know, you can even study pressure you've seen about the difference in the brain between the men and the women which then obviously the feminist don't want to hear about that but even our brains function differently we were different that doesn't mean women are less in the men a minute we all have delay in equal in many things admit that men are
better than women and certain aspects and women are better than men and certain aspects so hamdulillah but we have to understand that the nature of one another women they need that so for them it's parts in the day so if you want no excitement in the nighttime actually as it starts in the daytime so that's it's kind of a build up and a workup for her you know so in the affection showing that love that nice word, maybe a kiss here kiss their hug there and that works up to make it even something better for both of you when it comes to the intimacy side you know, during the nighttime or even during the day or whatever it might be but it's a build up especially nowadays.
And the lockdown
okay, just lucked out once again, Chef Abderrahim we love you for the sake of Allah stay calm and same to you. May Allah reward you can I think very well received session 100 Masha Allah obviously made it as well and we thank him as well. So inshallah I hope once again brothers specifically this session has been beneficial for all of you. The last session which is going to be next week is going to be with Dr. Mohamed Salah inshallah and Cefa. Aisha was was, and that particular question is meant to be heavy on q&a. So the request is going to be whatever questions you have. We have our email, which is Su n dot r Aw, sorry.
to en.ni ght.ra [email protected] which you're aware of send your questions we will like to send the questions to the panel beforehand because we have already received certain questions which are difficult which are with regards to for example, you know divorce related questions which the scholars you will need time to kind of sometimes go through. So, please send your questions again in advance Inshallah, next week, same time with inshallah with the scholars will be rejoining on the same subject once again, Inshallah, so we thank all of you once again to have that again, Sheikh Campbell, and the audience from lightning and ici, just a couple knuckleheads, so uneconomic,
assured Wanda Illa Illa, Anta Furukawa Mr. Dominic Kamara