The Domestic Violence Tapes #02 – My Childhood Abuse – Domestic Violence Awareness

Hola, Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Welcome back to reflections. This is the domestic violence tapes, part two

who send open another box of,

of trauma.

I have this picture sitting here for a reason, this picture sitting here for a reason, this picture sitting here, because this picture represents the beginning of some very dark days in my childhood. This one

this picture right here

is me

at my father, and step, mother's wedding.

As you can see, I was little one big smile on my face,

not realizing what the next probably

nine to 10 years of my life would look like.

Now parts of this,

were extremely difficult to even, like, bring back these memories and remember things as clearly as I can, because these are parts of my childhood that

I'd kind of blocked off and tried my best to wipe and erase my memory of this because

your childhood, your childhood, you know, helps develop who you are, and

my childhood

was was

was rough was a rough one. And I'm not telling I'm not putting these things out, you know, to, to try to, you know, say this is why I do these things. Now. That's clearly obvious. The point is, I want people to understand, number one, that they're not alone if they've been in situations like this. And number two, the type of impact these things can have on someone's life, all the way until adulthood, and through adulthood, and how it can affect them personally, how it can affect their life, their relationships, the way they you know, deal with their own children, etc. There are so many variables at play to someone who has had traumatic childhood experiences, especially

long lived traumatic childhood experiences. As you know, from the last tape, you know, the things that I went through with my mother and witnessing my mother getting abused, that would then turn into me being abused as a child all the way up until I was 15, around 15 years old.

And you know, this is a difficult one to make as well because this person is still alive. You know, this is also my my sister's mom, like this is tough, but

I have to decide, you know what's in the best interests of me living my truth and trying to be helpful to others or the feelings of some people that might still be alive and you know, I have to live my truth. This is my truth and I have every right to live my truth every right speak my truth. And I will do so.

My stepmother who got married to my father, right here.

She was deaf or she is still deaf. She does she does not she does not have hearing so I grew up speaking sign language to her.

I'm not fluent in sign language now because I mean, I can speak sign language and understand some language but not very, extremely fluently in shorthand sign language. Because of the simple fact I had no desire to learn her language. I had no desire because I absolutely despised her most of my life. And

even till this day, it's one of those things it's it's it's been very hard to let go. But

it is what it is.

Let me give you a little background.

My stepmother, my mother and my father all grew up around each other. They all went to high school together. And my stepmother was made fun of because of her deafness. My My mother actually used to make fun of my stepmother, according to her used to make fun of her for being deaf and she wasn't one of the cool kids. He wasn't one of the in crowds. And apparently my stepmother had you know, she liked my dad. But of course my dad ended up with my mother

And she always kind of despised that because this is a woman who made fun of her.

So, after my mother and dad split, as you know, in my mom abandoned me and left me,

my dad ended up marrying my stepmother. And

she took it upon herself

to take revenge on my mother, through me, I became the, the the outlet by with which she took revenge on my mother.

She was physically abusive to me, she would hit me, she would pinch the hell out of me, that's one memory I do have, I'll talk about if, if it comes about,

she used to whip me with the wire clothes hangers. And all of that site, you know, you know, my dad used to spank me with a belt, like, we grew up, my grandfather had something called a switch, which is a long skinny stick, that I used to get, and those things are different, we're not going to go down that road.

The biggest,

I would say, impact

that she had upon me with her abuse was the imprisonment and the mental abuse,

I would do.

I would rebel. You know, as a as a child, when I started, you know, in like, fourth, I even failed the fourth grade in elementary school. Just because I refused to do any work. I was, you know, misbehaving. I was seeking attention and trying to bring attention to what I was going through. But I didn't know how to express it. I didn't know how to say it, I didn't.

I didn't know what was really going on. I just knew that my life was a living hell as a kid, because

my punishment from her and I would get punished for anything, she would just make up stuff would be being sent to my room, and locked in my room.

for weeks on end, months on end, we had an apartment, I remember at that period of my life that I couldn't tell you from memory, much of what it looked like. But I know what my room looked like, because I spent, I would go to school, I would come home, and I would go in that room and be locked in that room. And I would come out for dinner. And after I eat dinner, I would go back to my room, then I'll give them go to school, I'll come back, go back to that room, come out for dinner, go back to that room. This was my my life during this period. And the only, you know, the only entertainment I had was you know, the toys that I had. I used to play with GI Joes and transformers and Voltron in

my own imagination. There was no phone, no cell phone, there was no Internet, there was there was nothing. It was me. And the only escape I had from it was on the weekends, when either my mother would come and get me when she came back into my life, or, and you know what that was like talked about that episode, or my parents, my grandparents would come and get me on the other weekends. And when my grandparents would get me that was the true experience of childhood. For me that was like I understood what it was like to be a normal child. When I went and spent the weekend with my grandparents.

They you know, they really did protect me in that sense to the best they can to take me out of that situation. And allow me to see what it was like to be a real child because other than that all my childhood I would have known is being locked in my room and being being abused.

She also mentally abused me, you know, she would always tell me that I was trash.

You know, I was garbage. I was born from garbage and trash. And that would never be anything but garbage and trash. I was stupid. I was incompetent.

You know, I was a bad seed, so many things. And I heard this again and again and again. And again in my childhood, so much so that you know, I started to realize now later in life that there might have been some very self destructive behaviors that I've developed and coping mechanisms that I developed over the years simply maybe because I didn't think maybe somewhere subconsciously that seed planted itself that I wasn't really worth anything or really worth being happy really worth being at peace really worth being settled really worth having goodness in my life. And so therefore, maybe I you know, I did a lot of self sabotaging, but these things have lasting impactful effects on a child

when they deal with it for this period of development from the age of like five, six years old to 15 You know, being abused, being locked in your room being tortured, being told you nothing. It wasn't until we moved in with my grandmother. When my grandfather died in when I was 13. We moved in with her that it subsided greatly. I wasn't locked in my room anymore. The only time she had a chance

tried to abuse me was more mentally at this point, every chance she could get. And her and my grandmother actually got into it. At one point I remember my grandmother, she, you know, she said something to me and smacked me in from my grandmother, my grandmother told her if you ever put your hands on that child again,

then I'll make you pay for it. I'm gonna leave the word she used but, and she was dead serious.

And then eventually, at the age of 15, at the age of 15, I stood up.

And one day she tried to, you know, put her hands on me and I said, if you ever put your hands on me again, I'm going to kill you. And I meant it was dead serious, I'd had enough. And I told my dad, I said, is hurt me. Either she goes, or I go. And I told him everything that I've gone through my childhood, my grandmother's stepped in and explained, and you know, kind of gave him the ultimatum that look,

it's it's one or the other. And they got in he he divorced her at that time, and they got separated and divorced. And that was the end of that for me.

But through my childhood,

you know, being locked in that room are the fun, you know, the fondest memories, I have childhood because at least when I was locked in that room, she wasn't abusing me. She wasn't torturing me. As long as I stayed alone and stayed to myself and stayed out of her way. Instead of her eyesight instead of her path, I was a little bit more safe. But she would find the very creative ways to you know, to get me into trouble by saying I did things. And I remember one time we were at a restaurant. And I asked for something off the menu that she didn't want me to have. And her response was to reach over and pinch me hard, very hard. And you know, I kind of just gently said out and the

waitress came, she was walking up at the moment, this is one of the very few kind of vivid memories I do have.

She came and said, You can't do that. That's that's child abuse. And my stepmother was so angry at getting called out that she actually called my dad at work and said that I was misbehaving I called the scene in a restaurant. And so my dad left work and came and punished me on top of that.

You know, and as a small child, 678 years old, when you know what, what are you going to do? What do you what are you going to do? You know, you're kind of at the beck and call of people who take care of you, you really can't take care of yourself. This is why I'm parents parents are so important to you are so important to the upbringing of your children and who they are and what they will become and in what state they're going to be mentally physically, emotionally. It's it's so important, so important. I also remember

that when my mother finally did come back into the picture,

and she found out what I was going through, like, you know, and in some sense, I blame, I blamed my mom, my whole childhood growing up that you know, you left me in this situation, you left me in this situation, you You were the one that made sure I would go through all of this by leaving me. So that was another

hill, I had to climb with regards to my mother. And

when my mother found out what was happening, she came and tried to take me back. And the courts wouldn't let her I don't think it would have been a good situation anyway, because the abusive relationship she was in, that would have been a horror in and of itself to be subjected to every single day.

But I remember her getting arrested because she saw bruises on me that my stepmother left one weekend when I would go visit her. And when she dropped me back off, she started, she you know, she started a fight with my stepmother who was pregnant with my sister at the time. And because of that the police came, my mother was the one that got arrested.

And I had to witness all of that. And what she was doing was anger and trying to protect me. And she was also I think a bit angry at herself that she because of her decisions.

She allowed me to end up in this environment and in this situation.

You know, so this is another reason why I believe that

I'm not so much of a people person as far as outgoing and social. I am. I am an introvert through and through. Because of the simple fact that I spent so much of my childhood alone. I spent so much of my childhood alone that I became very comfortable being by myself. Until this day, you know, I love the people around me, you know, I love traveling, I love meeting people, but I am absolutely 100% fine on my own. And there are times of my life where I need to be on my own. I'm a person who there are times where I have to be on my own I have to be alone. Because if not,

you know I get very overwhelmed with just being around people all the time. Even my, my wife and my children sometimes like look, I need some me time by myself. And I think part of that is due to my childhood that this is how I was raised. You know, what is that famous quote? You know, you guys merely adopted the darkness I was born in that I was born in that loneliness and that being alone like I was raised in that being alone

Being an introvert is not something that I adopted later on in life. It's it's how I was raised. So you know, that is affected the way I deal with people, the way I look at things, the way I get overwhelmed with social situations, etc, is because I spent from the age of six, at least until the age of 13, seven years on my own, being punished all the time being told I was trash all the time being told, you know that I was never going to amount to anything being told I was stupid. Being physically abused, beaten with clothes hangers, beaten with spatulas, beaten with

extension cords, whatever she could get her hands on at the time, because I was too small to defend myself. And if not that, then when my dad was home, I was locked in my room. I was just locked in my room with my GI Joes creating scenarios Voltron, you know defenders of the galaxy in the universe. And in Transformers Optimus Prime was like, you know, my thing growing up. And he man, many of you might be too young to remember he man he man was, you know, cartoons back then were quick bit different. There's always a clear good guy and a bad guy. And, and the good guy is always one.

But in my life, it didn't seem to be so in my life, it wasn't like the good guys always won. It seemed to be that, that that evil always kind of went out in the end. And that developed, you know, that kind of cemented my my view of the world a little bit, I became a bit I became a very quiet individual. Even as a teenager, I was extremely quiet. I was extremely quiet. I was always observing, I was always watching. But I was deeply angry. This is what caused me to get into so many fights when I was a teenager, because that anger has to come out somewhere. And when people tested me and tried me I had to prove my point.

So you know, I became a bit recluse simply because this is just this is just how I learned to develop and cope. This was my coping mechanism is to not allow anyone to see any hurt from me. I never allowed anyone to see my pain. I never allowed anyone to see my my headaches, my heart aches, my

my grief, my sadness, any emotion, I, I became very emotionless, because I felt like showing these emotions was a weakness. Because whenever, you know, I would allow my stepmother to see that what she was doing bothered me, she would just do it more. She was to do it harder, she would just be more mean, because she would see that it's affecting me. So eventually, it came to a point where I just became numb, I just became numb, like, do what you got to do. It's not, I'm not really bothered, I've got used to living like this, I've gotten used to living in my room. I also think that might have been one of the things that helped me survive prison. Because hell, I grew up in a

prison. I grew up in a prison of my stepmothers making. So you know, as an adult being locked away. For four years, I've been there done this, you know, so I took it with a grain of salt. So there's so many things now that I'm starting, you know, in later years to piece together and connect the dots of why things happened, the way they happen, how I got through them, how I survived them, you know, and I'm grateful to Allah subhanho wa to Anna, that he allowed me to go through these difficulties that would allow me to face greater difficulties in my life later on and, and get through them and Hamdulillah. But these things destroy you on the inside, it takes so long to heal

from these types of things. It takes so long to heal from these types of things. Child abuse is something that

it breaks someone and it is one of the most despicable acts that a human being can perform is to abuse a child and the innocent, harmless child, this kid right here, this kid right here had no idea what was waiting for him. This kid had no idea what was waiting for him the amount of hell that his life was about to turn into. You know, and there's part of me that this kid, this inner child, this one right here, he still hurts. He still goes through it. He still has flashbacks of these things. And they affect the way he deals with certain situations today.

That's the reality. That little kid is still broken. And I'm trying with every ounce of energy that is left in me to heal this broken kid. Because one thing I will tell you, parents, anyone else who has been through or maybe you're not a parent yet, but you've had a childhood like this kids, you need to fix this. Try to work on this kid and help this kid heal before you have children. Because children's shoulders were not designed to bear the weight of their parents wrongs or their parents brokenness or their parents hurt or their parents trauma. You need to sort that out. And I'm trying. Allah knows I'm trying it's not always easy because this kid right here, went through hell. And I

haven't really stopped going through enough Hill for enough period of time to kind of deal with him. And this we will talk about

If I if I ever bring myself to do episode three, or excuse me, tape number three of this domestic violence series

then you realize

what held it I've gone through it as adult and and still to this day with regards to, you know, domestic violence and forms of abuse that are that are that are, should be coined under the umbrella of domestic violence, but I'm just I'm not there yet. That that tape tape number three, it lets people a little more close than I'm comfortable with right now. You know, I've always kept people at a distance this kid has chosen has learned to keep people at a distance, speed can hurt you. So I've built up these walls, you know, kind of like, here's me this little inner circle, and then I have an outer wall and a wall beyond that, and a wall beyond that, and a wall beyond that, that I try to

keep people out of and only certain people get into that wall and certain other people get into it. And there's very few people that make it into that inner wall. Very, very few people that make it into that inner wall. And I feel like tape number three allows too many people into that into that inner, that inner circle and it makes me extremely, extremely uncomfortable. So I've pinned that number three for a time and a place if and when I become ready to discuss that, because that one still affects me right now. And it's like an ongoing thing. So it's it's very difficult. Very, very difficult to let you guys in that far. Especially when I haven't haven't fixed this kid yet. So

we'll see in sha Allah, but you know,

being abused as a child,

it wrecks you, parents, you know, your children don't belong to you.

This needs to be clearly understood by all parents out there. Your children are not your possession. They don't belong to you, these children that Allah subhanho wa Taala has blessed you with belong to Allah. They belong to Him, He created them. I don't care if you if this child developed and grew in your womb. It was by the permission of Allah subhanho wa Taala that he gave you children. If you have them and they are a trust, they are in a manner that must be returned back to Allah someday.

Whether it's in your lifetime and I hope no parent has to go through this and I and for the parents that do have to lose a child before them. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make it a means of of goodness for you and ease for you in May Allah subhanho wa Taala make those children the children of paradise and may Allah grant you patience and may Allah grant Shu patients, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said the no child dies.

Except for the parents remain patient and say in the leela, he went early, you're on your own. They belong to Allah the return except Allah subhanho wa Taala tells the angels to build my slave build my servant a palace in Paradise and call it Baitul Hamed

call it the the house of praise because my servant is praised me in this difficult time. Our Prophet sallallahu wasallam lost so many children in his lifetime all his sons that were born died early on. And so he went through it and I don't hope any I hope no parent has to go through this. And I hope Allah does not put me through this test because I love my kids.

I love my kids, but they don't belong to us. They don't belong to us. They're an Amana. They're a trust and how you raised them you'll be questioned how you fed them into care of them and raw and their upbringing, and their teaching and their guidance and the character you instilled in them and the values you instilled in them, you will be questioned about these things. You don't own them, you don't get to treat them like property, they are not yours. They are belong to Allah subhanho wa Taala and he is entrusted to you, them as a favor as an AMA from Himself and He will take them back from you someday whether you're here or you're already dead and buried in your grave, and you'll be

questioned about them. So remember that they don't belong to you.

Children are precious. You know I have three what hamdulillah and I love them with every ounce of my being. They are my heart they are my soul. You know my boys I hope to raise them to be May Allah subhana wa to Allah keep them upon guidance May Allah guide them May Allah guide them May Allah guide them. May Allah make them righteous May Allah make them upright May Allah make them pay us I have a son who's 15 years old going on 16 about to be a man and it scares the living daylights out of me but I pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala to guide him. I have another son turning 12 Next year in sha Allah he's he's on the verge of puberty and manhood and I pray for him constantly. And I have

Masha Allah my daughter

Who is, you know, go eight years old and she is the apple of her father's eyes, she is the light of her father's heart. And she knows this, you know, it's my only daughter, and

it's different daughters are just different. And I love my boys absolutely to death. And I try to love all my children equally and give them equally but, you know, there's a special bond between fathers and daughters, and it's just realistic. And I pray for her to grow up righteous and, and be a person of the Quran. And be be be, you know, someone who grows up and has a happy and healthy life and her own family and, you know, remembers,

you know, the fun things that our father taught her and tried to instill in her and hopefully realizes, you know, after seeing these tapes, as she gets older, what her dad went through, and how much struggle he went through to make sure that she did not have a life like he had growing up and, and I've said it before I spoil my children. I know I do. I know I do. And I know, it's not the best thing to spoil your children there. But there are limits. I don't spoil them endlessly. But I spoil them simply because for one thing for sure. I don't have to worry about my children growing up, and having to make a tape like this, saying that they had a torturous childhood and went through abuse.

That one right there, the cycle ends with me, that cycle ends with me, in my lineage in my family, I put a stop to it right now. And so I'm thankful that Allah subhanho wa Taala has blessed me with these children allowed me to give them a childhood that I did not have. And in some ways, I'm reliving some of my childhood through them, you know, things that I wish I would have had things that I wish I would have been able to do in this way, but didn't have the opportunity to do so maybe because my mom abandoned my stepmother locked me in a room I had no, you know this, that I'm making sure that I can relive some of that stuff through my through my own children, and see what it's like

and watch their eyes light up. And sometimes it hurts me because I'm like, Man, if only I had a childhood like this, you know, only Allah knows what my life would have turned out,

like differently.

But

I went through all of that. And now I can be here and, and speak on it and live my truth and let everyone out there know that, hey, you're not alone. If you went through childhood trauma and abuse, you're not alone. You're not alone. I know what it does to you. I know that there. And there are people who did not go through abuse as a child, people who had good lives growing up people who had you know,

decent childhoods, they they will not be able to understand why you do some of the things you do just not going to. And if so it'll take a very long time, they're not going to be able to understand why you are affected by certain things, the way you're affected by them the way certain things trigger you the way certain things trigger weird feelings and weird emotions in you and make you withdraw and make you draw back or make you lash out or make you do weird, crazy, stupid things. Because this is hit a nerve that you didn't even know was still there and will still roll. But I understand. I do understand, and I get you. And

I'm letting you know that you got to, I know you've tried to block it out, a lot of us tried to block it out, you've tried to shove that back at me shove that back in files and shut that door and lock it and padlock it and do everything you can to seal that door never to be opened again. But trust me, that door is gonna come flying wide open at some point in your life, that door whether you want to or not, it's going to come flying wide open and all that stuff you've piled in there over the years is going to come crumbling and crashing out all on top of you. You're going to have to face it at some point in your life, it's better to face it on your terms, trust me, it's better to

face it on your terms and deal with it and process it, whether it's by going to therapy, going to counseling, you know, speaking to your abuser, writing them a letter, one thing that I suggest to all of you if you were abused if that person is alive or not alive, write a letter to them. Explain how what they did to you hurt you how angry it made you how broken it made you how much it's messed up your life as an adult, how much is affected the relationships that you had, how much is affected the decision making processes that you use, and write that letter to them. You don't have to send it if you send it 100 million if you don't send it at least you've put that pen to paper and you've

gotten those thoughts out, you've opened that door and you've cleaned out a little bit of baggage before it fills up so much in the locks break and weaken and it comes spilling out into your life in very unexpected and negative ways. So process it and if you need to talk to someone, talk to someone about it, talk to someone who might be able to understand it, who might be able to to give you some advices on how to processes and how to deal with it and how to overcome it so that it can become a strength and not a weakness. This is what I'm trying to do with my life.

Turn these traumatic periods of my life, these traumatic incidences in my life, these traumatic episodes in my life, and turn them into strengths, turn them into strengths. So that those who are know those who put me through that hill, you can see now that it has become my strength, it is now the tool that I'm using to help other people. So it backfired. It backfired. And now, it's made me stronger than ever before and hamdulillah that's what I'm working on. That's what I'm working on. So you're not alone.

And if you are someone, if you know someone who is putting a child through abuse, if you know a child who was being abused,

get them help, talk to them, pull them pull that parent to the side and let them know, without any hesitation or reservation with the clearest, strongest language possible that they are a filthy, disgusting,

inhumane

human being, and that they need to get help. And if they don't need it, and if they can't get help, they do not deserve these children. They deserve to be locked away, and the key thrown into the deepest, darkest depths of the oceans to never come out. And never have children again, to put them through this hell, because it is hell.

I went through literal hell as a child.

And that's

something I think I'm grateful for now, even though I hate it, but I'm grateful for it now is that I went through walk through little literal hell as a child. So I've been there done that when, when those doors to that type of hell open up again in my life, which they have, again and again.

Then I say, Look, I've walked through this before, I will walk through it again. But now I have more tools at my disposal, you bring that to me, I have more tools at my disposal. Now I have more, you know, more

things that I have learned and developed that now. Before I walk through it burning scorching, didn't know if I was gonna make it now. I'll take my sandals off and walk through the bare coals because I've been through it once I can get through it again in sha Allah Who to honor I'm ready for whatever Allah has put before me. But I'm asking Allah don't test me like,

nobody wants to be tested by Allah.

But if it happens, it happens. The Prophet sallallahu wasallam said that on the Day of Judgment, those who lived an easy life will wish that their skin had been torn into shreds and threads, when they see the reward of those who are put through tests, when they see the reward of those who were tested, those who were put through hell, those who were put through trauma, those who were put through misery, when the the reward is given to them on the Day of Judgment, the people who had an easy life or wish that their skin had been torn to shreds and they had been tested like those people have been tested. So those of you have been tested. May Allah grant you everything in return on the

day when you meet him, and I'll and I'll finish it up, I'll wrap it up with this. Because this is me living my truth. I want it all to be out there. I'm ready for it all to be out there. All the things that I've been through all the little, you know, things

that I've because then I live my truth after that.

I am who I am. And you come if you come and listen to my stuff, you if you invite me to your community in whatever capacity, then you know exactly what you're getting. You know exactly what you're getting full package fully open, nothing behind closed doors, this is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm at that point in my life where I don't have energy to be anything other than me. I'm literally out of energy to be anything other than myself. And if you like that, and you vibe with who I am when hamdulillah welcome. Even though sometimes it's Welcome to the horror show, but welcome. And I love you for the sake of Allah subhana wa Tana And if you don't like me, and you

don't like what I do, and then you can carry on. And Hamdulillah I still love you. I still have love for you for the sake of Allah, but just carry on because I don't care about your opinion

about my life because you didn't live it, you haven't been through it. You don't know me, you know what I choose to allow you to see and allow you to know. That is the the the deception of social media, the deception of YouTube, the deception of all of it, is that you know about me what I choose to allow you to know, and nothing else. But I've decided

to put the good and the bad out there with limits with limits. Let's be realistic with limits. Nobody's opening that that those doors completely. Because we're not supposed to first and foremost, we're not supposed to. We're not supposed to open our own doors to our misdeeds and misgivings. Nor are we supposed to open the door to others, misdeeds and misgivings. But these things that I've been through that I think can help someone else that can help another person that's going through it, understand that I know what you went through. I understand what you went through. I know how you feel. I know how it made you feel

I know the effects has had on you. I know the trauma that it has caused you even as an adult, I know the reason why you do some of the things that you do that nobody else will understand, but I get it, then it's well worth it, to me opening that door, and let people into taking down some of those outer walls that I've never taken down for anyone. It's worth it.

And I'll finish with this.

Because sometimes

the sometimes the realistic truth is that evil wins in this world.

That's just factual. Sometimes the realistic truth is that evil wins in this world.

There are people who do evil and never get held to account for it in this world there. There is injustice and tyranny, and oppression, and murder, and rape and all of these things and abuse that never

get handled in this life.

But as Muslims as people who believe as people of faith as people who believe in another life beyond this life, no one gets away with anything. No one gets away from anything because Allah subhanho wa Taala logility wallet Quran is idle, he is the jest and all justice will be done. If you got away with it in this life, you didn't get away with it. Allah subhanho wa Taala reserved a special punishment for you on the day when you meet him.

Reserve the special punishment for you on the day when you meet him. It is better for you that you had paid for your sins and your misdeeds and you're evil in this life. But out of his justice and His mercy, Allah subhanho wa Taala withheld His wrath and anger from those people in this life. Let them go on and have a beautiful life. Let them get away with all of the wrong only so that they can, you know, tie the rope around themselves even tighter.

To hang themselves with another day of judgment. Your day is coming. Your day is coming and you will answer for everything that you have done. The very last verse, Allah subhanho wa Taala revealed in the Quran and it's a verse that gives me so much hope, so much dignity and so much pleasure.

Allah subhana wa Tada revealed what Topo, Yeoman Torah Jonah feel Allah and fear they have, taqwa of a day on which you will be returned to Allah. And on that day, no soul will be dealt with with injustice. Everything will be given its measure and its account, and the balance will be made. And the scales will be righted on that day.

So if you think you're getting away with it, you know,

if you think the evil has gotten away with it, in many cases, throughout history, it's not. It's only a temporary stave. The moment they meet the angel of death, it begins. Those people are now in their graves, if they have died, they are paying. And if not, that day is coming.

But brothers and sisters, if you've been through this,

I know your pain. I understand your hurt, I understand your anger. It makes you very angry. I understand your frustration. I understand your depressive states, I understand your inability to form functional relationships, because it's hard when this is when the only examples you've had Have Been so broken and so traumatic, that forming real wholesome relationships is extremely difficult for you, opening up to people that difficult for you, allowing people to see your vulnerability is difficult for you. I get it. I understand it. But I'm here telling you that you can heal, you can overcome. You can be better. You can process it. Open that door, clean out that closet, before it

comes piling on to your life. And for God's sakes make sure you fix it before you put it on to your children. Your children don't deserve to suffer

your childhood in theirs.

May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless

all good parents out there. May Allah subhanaw taala bless all the parents out there striving to make their children have a better life than they had. And they Allah subhanho wa Taala deal with anyone who abuses a child with the swiftness and severest punishment that is available to him upon them on the day when they when they meet him, because it takes a special level of

depravity. It's takes a special level of evil to harm a child.

If you are someone who has harmed a child, and you're watching this, and you're grateful for it, gets some help fix it. Try to make that amends. Try to make those things right. And if you know someone out there who is doing it, get some help. Find some help for them.

Stop it. protect that child. Children have no one else to protect him.

No one there was nobody for me. No, nobody helped me. My grandparents helped me the best. And I think that they could but nobody, nobody helped me nobody.

I don't want another child to have to go through that.

You are a special level of sick if you harm a child.

And just like I said in the last episode, when it comes to if I were to see

someone getting abused in front of me in a marital

abuse situation, I would step in, if I saw a child getting harmed in front of me.

I'll take another prison bid for that one. Any day of the week?

May Allah Subhana Allah never put me in that difficult situation. May Allah Subhana Allah bless all of you. Grant your goodness, grant your goodness in this life, grant your goodness in the next life. May Allah grant you peace in your hearts. May Allah grant you peace in your minds. May Allah grant you peace in your hearts and peace in your souls, will he that's all all we want is peace. All people who want who've been through these traumatic, broken, difficult situations, people who've been through abusive marriages, they just want peace. People who've been through abusive childhoods, they want peace. People, you know, have been.

And I've been through all of them so far, people have been, you know, the president come out, we just want peace. People who are broken, just want peace, they want to find that peace. I found my peace through Islam. It's not like when I became a Muslim, I found peace, and I'm still not at full peace. I'm still working on that peace. But there is so much more peace in me now than it's ever been at any time in my entire life that I can remember. And that is because the deen of Allah subhanahu wa Tada. That is because of my Lord. That is because of my religion. That is because of my attachment to my Creator, my understanding of my higher purpose, my ability as a Muslim to step back

and look at the bigger picture of things and how things are unfolding and how the plan of Allah is perfect. Even if I don't understand all of the lessons that I have learned over the years combined therapy sessions of the studying of psychology, all of it combined, has allowed me to, you know, fill a portfolio portfolio of tools that are allowing me to find peace, even in the storm that I'm still going through this day.

Which is Episode Part Three of the domestic violence tapes. Like I said, if and when I become ready, I've already made a slot for that one.

We'll see how it goes. I love all of you for the sake of Allah to make to offer you ask you to make dua for me as well make dua for this little boy right here to be healed. Make dua for this little boy right here to get through, and recover from the hell that this smile that no was waiting for it.

And protect children at all cost. Protect Children at all costs, protect children at all cost. They do not belong to you. They do not belong to me. They do not belong to us. They belong to Allah subhanahu wata, Anna, and he's going to ask us about them. We'll see you guys in the next episode of reflections in Chateau Montana, as we keep going forward. And the next episode, I'm not sure. I'm not sure yet when the next episode what it's going to be.

But we'll figure that out.

Also, to

keep my word and fulfillment of

making sure that there is avenues for people who need help. And my biggest advice is always you know, to talk to someone go to therapy, you know, if you need to see a therapist, a qualified, licensed therapists do so if you need to see a qualified, licensed psychologist do so. But sometimes people just need to talk it out. Sometimes people need to talk to someone who is going to, you know, not be judgmental, in offer them a non judgement zone to to freely express themselves and what they've been through and what they've done and what's happening to them and offer realistic advice based on real life experiences and real life situations. So coming very soon, in the next

maybe few days to a week, I'll be launching. You should Evans coaching.com

You Chevron's coaching comm is going to be a website where you can go and you can book one hour zoom sessions with me. It'll be a fully automated process, you pick a time you pick a date, it will be

completely streamlined and then a link will be sent to you. And you can show up at the zoom session and talk it out. Maybe sometimes you just need to talk it out. Maybe you've been through trauma that I've talked about or you feel that I can relate to and I can give you some real world advice. I'm in a non judgment free zone. And I'm also going to tell you that sometimes I'm going to give you some real world advice that you might not necessarily like to hear all the time but that's that's who I am. I'm going to tell you I'm going to be as frank with you as I can and try to help you process and recover from these things. That is going to be my my intense my

only goal

strive to help you process and overcome. And if it's something that I can't deal with refer you to a database of Muslim mental health professionals that I'm working on compiling, because maybe it's something I've never dealt with, and I don't have experience on. And I'll let you know that, look, this is not for me.

And maybe you need to see that speak to someone, you know, because of a deeper issue that is beyond the pale of my expertise, or experience, then I'll refer you to that. So it'll be also a referral service to the best of my ability to compile Muslim mental health professionals from all over the globe, that can get you the help that you need. But if it's, you know, something that I can help with, and I will 100% try to do my best to help you walk along that healing journey, and walk along it with you in sha Allah. So if that's something that interests you, stay tuned, I'm going to publish a video right here on this channel, when we launch it, it will be a paid service, because I

have to schedule my time, hours of my day to be able to do this, but I'm going to try and make it as feasible as possible. Because you have to also value your time, if you don't value your own time, no one will value it for you, I do want to make that service available for brothers and sisters who need to talk it out. But I also have to justify taking that time out from other things. So it'd be a very streamlined process, you'll be able to do it, it'll all happen via zoom

in in all the sessions, you know, we via zoom, be recorded etc for for database to refer back to for, for clients who will come in who need multiple sessions. So all of that and more I've been working on it behind the scenes ever since I got serious about these, these later podcasts. And I want it to be a fulfillment of my, my purpose of trying to be helpful. So we'll see how it goes. And it might be something that I'm not good at. And we might, you know, we might might shut it down as quickly as we open it up. But if it is something that is beneficial and helpful, then may Allah subhana wa Tada put some Baraka in an except the effort and intention in sha Allah. And I hope to

see some of you who need that help and want to talk it out and want some realistic advice. Hope to see in one of the sessions in sha Allah, for one hour sessions where you just, you can talk it out, feel free to be yourself feel free to be, you know, to be unguarded to, to let the open that closet door and let it all out. That will be there for you. It'll be coming very soon. You Chevron's coaching COMM And

my qualifications to do this. I'm laying them out right here before you know, my life is my qualifications, that I've been through it, there's not a lot of things that people are going to bring to me that I haven't had some dealings with in some form or fashion. And I'm not even done with these tapes yet. This they're still

I'm sorry to laugh. But sometimes when I watch my own tapes, I'm like, this is not this, this, this can't be your real life. There are people out there probably watching this right now that this guy is full of it. There's no way he went through all of this. And yeah, I agree with you. If I saw this from the outside, I'd be like, there's no way this guy has been through all that. But yeah, I'm not going to tell you anything on this on these episodes that I haven't personally been through and lived through. But I'm still here today. That's my qualifications is that I went through all of that hill, whether it be child abuse, domestic abuse, you know, I'll even talk about one of the tapes,

you know, drug addiction, because when I had my spinal surgery, they This was back during when opiates were like they were handing out opiates like candy before they shut it all down. You know, I was on opiates for my, for my spinal issue before had spinal fusion surgery for nearly a year and know the effects of opiate addiction and what it is I nearly died trying to get off of it. So we talked about that another time, literally tried to go cold turkey and my wife found me having a seizure on the floor and sweating in bathroom. Anyway. There's not many things that you're going to that many people are going to bring that I'm not going to have some real life real world experience

with and I'm still here, I'm still smiling, and I'm still trying my best to improve.

That's my qualification. That's the reason why I'm doing so if that be helpful to you look forward to inshallah.

We'll see you guys on the next one. This has been a ride I'm telling you. This is this has been a ride this these tapes, this reflections but it's been such a beautiful healing outlet for me. And I hope it's been helpful to you. If it's been helpful to you let me know in the comments right here. If it's been helpful to you let me know in the comments right here. That has been helpful. And maybe some other subjects you'd like to see discussed or talked about that nobody else is going to talk about. I'll talk about it. I'm not bothered.

Because as I've said many times before, I'm not bothered I am who I am and you can't cancel someone who doesn't care about your opinions. So I'll see on the next one guys, I love you all for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala make dua for me, as I make dua for all of you. And know that there is someone out there who cares about you in this world and Allah Subhana Allah loves you. If you're trying, if you're trying if you're making that one step in front of the other, know that Allah subhanho wa Taala Anna will help

and will be here to help as long as I can be.

That's it. The domestic violence tapes Part Two

See you on the next one guys I said I'm ready come Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh