The Prophetic Remedy 04
Date:
Channel: Yassir Fazaga
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Are we the lucky winner shaytani R rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah. All praise is due to Allah and may his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I begin by agreeing all my brothers and sisters out there, Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh, who made the peace and the blessings of Allah be on all of our brothers and sisters in faith, our brothers and sisters, humanity and our loved ones, we are continuing our sessions on well being personal well being and the health of our family unit.
It's not a very pleasant topic, but I think it's a topic that is definitely needs to be
addressed.
As the result of people being in these close quarters, and by no means I am, I am justifying this. But what we are being told is that cases of domestic violence are skyrocketing. And I know that was the case in Italy, in parts of China, and it's also been reported here. And I know that the tendency is to blame it on people spending too much time together, there is really never an excuse for this kind of behavior. And like we said, you know, time together, yes, it does come with its challenges, we have got the the the this uninterrupted, prolonged time. And we said time in itself is not really a factor. But what happens is that the the trajectory of the relationship is the is the biggest, and
the bigger deal here. And time just happens to accelerate
what or where towards which direction was the relationship on going.
So Inshallah, in the few minutes that we have, I want to discuss certain practices that must really be exhibited by us with our loved ones, in order to make sure that we we, we don't resort to doing these things. Number one, memory that very few of us have had the opportunity to be so long within our family members in this close proximity for as long as this period of time. And that is when we get to see things.
And unfortunately, what happens is that we tend to be critical of what we've seen, critical of the spouse, husband and wife, critical of the kids critical of this and critical of that and, and remember, generally speaking, we do not like to be criticized, because we feel that our ego is when you know, there is a sense of attack, or there is a sense of an insult that is usually associated with criticism. So if there is one thing that we want to focus on at this point is, please, please call it down with the criticism.
You know, in marital relationships, when we speak, as there are certain things that are referred to as love busters, and these are things that people do in marriage, that makes it very difficult to continue to love the other person. And one of these things, is constant criticism. See, when we feel that we are criticized, then ultimately, what we like to do is that we like to defend ourselves. So we put our guards up, because we don't want to be criticized by the other person.
And if the criticism becomes so constant, then we start behaving constantly in a defensive mode. Which means that we perceive everything that is said to us as an attack, and we need to defend ourselves. classical example, I come in and I say, oh, man, it's very hot in here. And then the other person immediately jumps. So what's not my problem that the AC is not working, and it's not. I was just making a comment. And what happened is that the other person perceived my comment as an attack, because the relationship is getting to the point where there is a constant criticism on my part. So please, my brothers and sisters, I beg of you, at this point, please tone down your
criticism. It doesn't mean that we are approving of the wrong that we are seeing. It doesn't mean that we are negligent.
All it means is that we are being selective with the type of things that we need to point out simply because this is going to be a long time. And if we're constantly, you know, if you're just pointing five things wrong an hour, and by the end of 10 hours, that's 50 things and that is Allah of things and like I said, we generally speaking, do not like to be criticized.
And I love this idea of MSW Malik, when he, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam sent him for something and only Sydney Malik would come in very late because he found kids on the way and he decided that he was going to be playing with an unassuming Malik later on comments and he said that I observed the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for 10 years. Then he makes this unbelievable observation and he said for Allah Hema coil led che involve the holy Metallica who will show you the love of aluminum. Can I say that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam never scolded me
or said to me for things that I have done, why did he do it? And for things that I neglected to do, why didn't you do it? Many times, we can give our feedback in the most beautiful, you know, loving silence. And if we can practice this, that would be awesome. A Hadith comes to mind, about read and writes that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, almost minimal. In the believer is the mirror of another believer. And it's a very, it's a very common Hadith that we we know it. And the scholars have deduced 10 points from this hadith. For example, they say, when we stand in front of the mirror, ultimately, what we are asking is, it's a session of consultation, how do I look
and as we are looking at our mirror, image in the mirror, that's the feedback that we are getting, the longer we look, the more we are able to fix of our selves, you know, you need to button this up, and maybe you need to trim here and maybe you need to do so we're constantly doing this, but they say that here is the interesting part, that the mirror is giving us feedback silently.
And when we come to consulted, the mirror does not scold or blame or shame us, you know, no mirror ever said you know why you come in looking like this? No, no mirror does that.
And then they say also, it's beautiful, because once you leave your imaging leaves with you, your defects are not left there for people to see people who come afterwards
they speak about the mirror being so honest and being so fake, it will not make big that which is a small and it will not make small that which is big. Similarly, when we think about this idea of you know, you want to call it criticism, you want to call it positive feedback, our aim is always to please as we do this, the idea is never to put the other person down, but to uplift the other individual similar to please cooling the criticism down. Point number two is connection before correction.
This is crucial, because remember that every rule that is not preceded by an emotional investment is bound to be broken.
We want to know that the rules are being set, they are being shared with us by people. Our our commitment to the rule increases tremendously when we know that the other person is coming from a place of love and a place of compassion and a place of kindness, then you know adhering to these rules becomes a sweet endeavor. So please keep in mind that connection precedes correction. The more we connect,
the easier it becomes to correct.
sad part is we want to be
upfront with our criticism, even if it means that we lose the we lose the person. So remember again, Please cool down the criticism. Number two, please remember that
connection must come
before
correction. Okay. Next one that is also I believe is is,
is really important at this point. Okay. I love the way that this was phrased says right now
be curious.
And don't be furious.
We are learning about each other at this point, things that we should have done in the past. But I think the time when the time has done is that it has lent itself to us to learn more about one another remember in the past, in the working outside in the driving and using the kids as a buffer and the homework and, you know, activities and what have you, what happened is that our our emotional needs were met, or were met, rather, and they were spread all over the place. And what we're hoping for right now is all of the sudden, we lost all of this. And now we are bringing it all into the family unit, which means that there is a tremendous amount of pressure on the family unit
at this point.
Like I said, with noticing things, we are seeing things, and by the way, these things, maybe they're coming out as a result of this frustration that everybody else is, is feeling. And the natural tendency is like we said, number one is you know, to be critical, or number two words yet is to be furious as a result. And what we want to do is
stop being furious. And let's practice be curious. And by that I mean, learn more about one another,
you know, subhanAllah in in counseling sessions, especially with couples, there was a procedure, or the type of counseling that we use, referred to as the sound house.
System. And it's supposedly made of seven different stages, that we that we take the you know, the family or the couples through. And I remember the very first stage was getting to know each other, you know, when people are married, the tendency is that we think that we know each other so well. The reality of it is that maybe we knew each other enough to develop interest in each other at the very beginning. However, what happened now is that now that we are married, we have become so relaxed, and we're no longer curious in learning about each other, or inquiring of each other, how was your day and our things go in and what have you. And we actually miss out on learning each
other's or learning about each other. Because we've changed. Remember, in my 20s, I'm not the same person as in my 30s. And in my 40s, hopefully, I am not the person that I used to be in my 30s, and so on.
And it would be so sad that as I am changing, that the person that I am with, there's not really it's not part of that change, or it's not aware of the changes that are taking place. And by the way, what is being said about me is also being said about her, it is also said about our kids are no longer five, they're 10 they're 15. So rather than being furious, it will actually do us a lot of good to develop some kind of curiosity, about you know, learning from learning from each other. And like I've been saying, you know for for this to take place. Remember that places like how we what we are thinking and how we are feeling or places where people can only come in by invitation or by
permission. So my job is to knock on the door to find out what the person is thinking or to find out what the person is feeling. But when I knock on the door, it is not by default that the people are going to allow me in. People would want to know who is there and then they decide whether people like myself are going to be admitted or not admitted. So I need to be admissible. I need to be of the people that when I knock on the door to get access to what you're thinking or how you're feeling. You look at me and say hmm, this person they can definitely come in, come on in police while other people will look at them and say absolutely not. Talk to the hand. I do not want to
talk to you.
And as we've been saying that this idea of creating a safe space, safe, I'm curious about you, your register automatically going to open up, I must create a safe space for people to to be.
And that safe space is made up of different components. So for example, I need to be able to trust you, you know, things that we refer to as the five T's, I need to be able to trust you. And it's okay to talk even if the talk is not important, especially, you know, with with youngsters, or as people are warming up to us, we must be able to tolerate small talk, nonsense talk, it's just people's way of testing us or testing the water, as they say, prior to them, allowing us in or feeling safe enough, we talking about that I have the time, you can really just say, Well, let me tell you how my day went. And I say, Okay, go ahead. And I look into my work, because what that
really means is that I do not have the time for you,
which is not conducive of new opening up because you just seem to be like you are in a, you're in a rush, I need to be able to cross time and talk. And it is always nice that there is a an expression of affection. And that can either be so through the usage of words, body language, and sometimes just physically touch. That's the fourth t. And then the last one is this idea of T's. And that is we can laugh with each other, we can laugh at me along with everybody else. What this does, is that it helps in enhancing a safe place where people can just be. So remember this, call down the criticism, connect before you correct, be curious and do not be furious. And number four is actually
a default by these things. Please, please allow other people to feel that if somebody is feeling down, please just allow them before you even start cheering them up, just hear the person out. Especially with kids, if they are bored, please allow them. Like we said, what we're seeing is kids are reacting to this. And depending on how the parents or the adults in the family are responding, that is also either creating a happy atmosphere, or it's creating another type of problem. Kids are bored, rightly so their routine has been taken away from them, they no longer have the friends that they used to go to, or the activities that was a part of them. So they feeling that and what we want
to do is please allow the other question to feel bad.
Please allow your husband, your wife to feel bad. You know, the idea of you know, especially most men are used to being outside and doing work and feeling accomplished and feeling we're contributing and feeling we are earning. And then these things are taken away from us. So it's okay to feel bad, it's okay that a person is upset, it's okay that the person is frustrated. And the same thing is also said about our sisters, you know, people who work outside or they work inside, or they have had this gap for themselves. And then all of a sudden, you know, Cisco has been telling me and it's like 24/7, you know, meeting everybody's needs and everybody is expecting this from me. And on top of
that I have to work and it's okay to allow each other to please, it's okay for people to feel bad. And it's okay also for us to allow them to feel bad, it's okay for people to air their frustration. Now what we want to do is that even when we do this, we want to be safe, we want to be considerate, and we want to be thoughtful in expressing in expressing these things. Okay.
Then, the other thing also that that really helps at this point is you know that people want to make sure that our kids are not wasting the time. So we have schedules for them, which is beautiful, establishing some kind of a routine at home.
But that schedule cannot be a very rigid schedule.
It does everybody good. If there is some flexibility
Excuse me. And please keep in mind that from what and how things are looking
that we are going to be in this until at least the end of the month. Which means the next three weeks in sha Allah
Going into going into Ramadan.
And what we're hoping for is that during during this time, yeah, we have our schedule, things that we like to accomplish during this time.
But we want to be flexible, you know, rigidity, breaks, things. flexibility allows, allows things to survive. And later on, you know, you can go back to it again. So please add this as well,
until I'm going back to the whole idea of
domestic violence.
Another component that is extremely important, is this concept of perahu.
Mutual kindness and compassion. You know, in terms of these stressful situations that we are going through, like my brothers and sisters, I tell you, criticism was go out, rigidity must go out, being furious, must go out. And what we want to increase is gentleness and compassion. Remember, it is mutual compassion towards one another. These are really, really difficult times. Like we've been saying, people have every right to feel the way that they are feeling weighed in the form of anxiety beat in the form, these are all things that just you know, sometimes I just need, I just need somebody to understand. I need somebody that I can complain to. And then hopefully, by the end of
it, somebody just say Insha Allah, it will be, it will be okay.
I love this story. And I never get tired of telling this story. After the hurricane in, in Houston, Harvey, you know, in one of the Volunteer Centers, this big, you know, African American man walks into the volunteer center and, and he says he wants to volunteer. And people say, Well, what do you want to do? Do you have a boat? No, they have a float. You know, they have a big truck. No. Well, did you bring water? No, they have dry clothes? No. So Phil said, Okay, what do you want to do? And he said, Man, I got no boat, no floaty, no truck, no water, no dry clothes. I just want you to tell the people that I'll be standing at that coordinate. And if anybody wants a hug, I will give them a
hug.
He feels that this is something that people need. And he is willing to offer that to people. And I remember the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam, when he spoke about the people who are going to be closest to him on the day of judgment, who's going to be like, closest to you in, in position in the assembly.
And then the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said has, you know, come aflofarm Those who have the best of character amongst you, almost the only a kidnapper anywhere almost our own. They are those who have made their shoulders available.
And Latina, Latino uniform. They are those who are loving, and they are those who are lovable. They are those who have made their shoulders available to comfort people. And that's such a beautiful quality, that I can find comfort in my wife in my husband in my mom and my dad and my brother and my sister. And it's such a beautiful thing to know that these are people that I can count on emotionally.
And it's crucial that we must practice. And as parents we must model this concept of
mutual compassion.
Remember, these are things that are mostly and best taught. When done or not verbalized, of course, you can always talk about them. However, what we want to do is that we want to show you know a kind person does not go around telling people by the way I am really client, if you ever come to me, I will make you comfortable. Now we pick this thing up from people, because we see how they are, we get that impression about them. And that is I can count on that person. I can talk to this person, I can really rely emotionally on this on this person. So it is the way that we we model in front of our families, that we let them know that this is what's going on. And the more we more of it insha
Allah and that is the whole other people will take on it and other people who would want to behave accordingly. Please keep in mind, be inclined to those
Who are kind to us, does not make a discount
through kindness is having the ability to extend kindness, even towards those whom we know or whom others would perceive as not worthy of it.
Remember what Allah subhanaw taala promises, that ha moment feel out of your home or community center as the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam thought,
be kind to those who are on earth, the one up in heaven, will be kind to you are showing mercy to them, and Allah who will show mercy to you.
Now, these are all things that you know, these are all ways to cope with the with the stress and the anxiety and the frustration that people may be maybe feeling. But you definitely my brothers and sisters, you do not want to resort to violence. Number one, it is an Islamic,
it is illegal, it is not manly, it is not something that we expect from our elders in the family, these are not things that we do, you do not hit a person in the hopes that not you are supposedly correcting a behavior. And please keep in mind also, I and I just came to the states here in Tennessee, but I know that in some states,
adults, hitting adults is not child abuse. But in some states, exposing children to domestic violence is a form of child abuse, that can result in having the children removed away from that place. So the legal ramifications are very, very serious. And you want to make sure that this is not the case in your family, in sha Allah.
hitting people does not resolve the problem. If anything, you know, when people feel so violated physically that their physical well being has been jeopardized, you know, we become we become resentful. We, you know, the emotional glue that ties us to the other person that's just doing the hitting, it becomes it becomes weaker. So as a rule, we say that look to begin with, generally speaking, you know, we don't use violence as a way of correcting behavior. Especially, you know, nowadays ages people are really, really frustrated, especially with our kids. I know people tell me, I'm losing my patience, I really cannot do this anymore say look, I understand, but please do not
mistaken understanding as a form of acceptance. Explanation does not make justification. Trying to understand does not mean that I am attempting to find an excuse. So when we use these words, Look, man, I understand it's very tough out there does not mean that that's okay. All we're saying is, look, I know why you're feeling the way that you're feeling. However, it remains to be that resorting to violence is not something that is not something that we do so please, my brothers and sisters, please keep your hands up yourselves. Violence does not resolve the problem with Allah He does not.
violence or anger is not an acceptable
excuse for violence.
In the Hadith,
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam once asked the Companions, you know the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was was it beautifully engaged in this idea of
revisiting concepts and correcting concepts. So one time he said these companions, mentor and do not cover up who do you consider the strong amongst you know, who's who's got the strength amongst you? So they said earlier so Allah when you're surrounded region, it is he who is able to put other men down like wrestle them down.
So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, No,
that is not what strength is. Then he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said in normal calling you when you have liquinox, Aho and Delgado. Truly a strong person is the one who is able to control themselves when angry.
That says so much about
US, I felt like yelling. I felt like hitting. I felt like screaming. I felt like but you know what might just been on my end I did not say anything. The Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam says, No, that is strength, that is self discipline that is might. So, similarly, please remember this
many M liquinox are who and a lot of a person who is strong is the person who is able to practice self discipline and self control when they are provoked or when they are and
in the Hadith it said that a the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was once you know he was at a funeral, and somebody's passed away, and they are by the grave site, digging the grave and getting the grave ready.
So, somebody comes out of nowhere and yields to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam ja Mohammed, rue de la Yamani for in McWeeny, Albania, Abdul Muttalib, a common multiple, a Muhammad pay back the loan that you that have given you, I know your family, the family of Abdulmutallab, even though you have the ability to pay back, but you don't.
And the man said, it was very rude. And he was very loud, and people will be so upset, like, this is not the place for it. And this is not how you do it. You don't need to be yelling, and you don't need to be rude.
So, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to the people just leave the man alone, the man believes he has rights, and he's here asking for his rights. And, you know, he tells honorable hottub, to go along with them and to give him the money. And on the way they say that, you know, say Dharma was very upset with this man. And on the way, the man looked at Amara and makes the point that you know, the man back there, Muhammad Sallallahu, alayhi, WA early, he said, he is indeed a prophet of Allah. And now Rama is all confused. And he said, What are you talking about? What do you mean? Why would you so root in like that? He said, man, he said, I'm a member of the Jewish
community. And I have been reading about the awaited messenger from Allah subhanaw taala. And I've seen all the signs in this man. But there was one particular one that I wanted to test for myself.
He said, We read in our books, that one of his qualities, is that the more rudely people behave towards him, the gentler he becomes, instead, I know it was rude. I know I was I was what I did was not right and socially, absolutely unacceptable. And he said, That was important because to me, he said, that was very important that I tested. And this just happens to be an excellent opportunity to test to test that.
So please, just a quick recap.
Call down the criticism.
Number two, we said connect before you correct.
Number three, we said Be curious, do not be furious.
Number four, we said allow people to feel bad.
Number five, we said create a safe space for the people to be. And number six, we said practice please practice mutual kindness.
And then we also want to introduce this idea of violence does not resolve problems. There are consequences. There are legal consequences. There are Islamic consequences. You know, we have a tendency to recite the verse in the Quran from circle isaa in Allahu Allah Agatha who is Aluna Allen Nebby. Indeed, Allah and his and his angels, they send their Salawat their salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and you know yeah, you Halina Amana, somebody here so we're selling motors Lima, or you who believe send your salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and then and then what happens after that? What's What's the verse after that? Then Allah tells us about
those who attempt to molest Allah and His messenger. Of course they cannot, in Lavina, when Allah Allah rasool Allah, you know, these are people going to be cursed in this life as well as in the Hereafter. And then the Quran tells us about well, Lizzie Anna Yun, Elmo mean or Mina, and then there are those who assaulted believing men and believing women and this is verse number
58 In Surah, number 35, so that
the Confederates were Allah subhanaw taala is warning those who are sick
out homeless and who violate believing men and believing women. Sometimes the believing men and the believing women are members of our own household, and we may be the ones guilty of this assault and violation that is taken, that has taken place, please, we do not want to do that. And we want to make sure that our brothers and our sisters feel safe.
The tendency also is that whenever we speak about domestic violence, we be addressing the brothers simply because 85% of the recipients of domestic violence or women and children 15% of the time it is men. So the assumption here is that more of the domestic violence that is taken place is taken place by the by the men. Remember, it is not necessarily domestic violence is one aspect of domestic abuse, it can come in the form of verbal abuse, the calling of names, derogatory names, especially in front of others, especially in front of your kids unacceptable, can't really be calling this to the father or to the mother, these are not these are not the behaviors or the the actions of
believers, talking about emotional abuse, unacceptable by men or by women, towards each other or towards the children, or even towards the parents. We have elder abuse, as well where kids are constantly threatening their elderly parents or I'm going to abandon you that I will leave you alone that I will throw you out and and what have making these types of threats, you know emotionally or that has a negative impact on us. So, there is verbal abuse, there is domestic literally, you know violence taking place, there is the emotional there is the financial and what we want is that we want to create happy homes and happy and happy families, which is very, very attainable. Please
remember, this time does not have to be a bad time. This can be a beautiful experience, Allah it can be a beautiful experience where people tell stories, they share dreams, they share hopes, they share fears, they they get to know one another, they explore different possibilities. They speak about what will happen tomorrow inshallah when everything gets better, what is one thing that you wanted to know about me or one thing that I would want to know about you or your one thing that this was one of the questions that we asked what is one thing that I would love for you to know about me that I really do not think you know about about me? What are my accomplished dreams? What are my
aspirations, so, these are all things that people can be talking about them and gaining insight into one into one into one another? So please insha Allah are time here is over. We have four minutes inshallah for those who wish to make a comment or to ask a question, inshallah now's a good time. But please, whatever you do, please do not resort to violence, believing men and believing women do not use their hands like this against each other, or especially against our children at this at this point, as angry and as frustrated as you are, please remember that this is not this is not an excuse to engage in such type of a of a behavior for that is not how believers behave towards towards one
another. In a minute, just going to remind you very quickly, please please be gentle, please be kind, please be compassionate towards one another. And as we always do, just want to make sure that everybody please out there. Please, Please do stay safe. If you do not need to go outside least do not go outside. Protect yourself and protect your loved ones who are who are there. If you must please be as cautious as as possible.
Also, if any of our loved ones is having health issues, especially if they have contracted this virus, may Allah subhanaw taala give them a speedy recovery or a plurality. If any of our loved ones passed away May Allah bless their souls Subhan Allah heights you know, getting closer and closer been, you know, listening to
you know, community members, friends that I know, telling me about, you know, our loved ones who have passed away because of this. So if anyone has experienced that our condolences to you and to your family, and may Allah Subhana Allah bless the souls of those who have passed away. A militant Allah keep us all safe Yoruba Alameen melas mentality or family safe harbor Alameen
Nelson Mandela keep the health workers safe and sound and militant Allah protect them all the time. And all the people out there who are you know, taking us and guiding us through this May Allah Subhana Allah bless them all and bless their families and protect them and protect their families horrible Eileen deserve Mila pay for spending your evening with us allowing us to come to your homes and please do remember they are in the Memphis area here every single night. One of us myself chef Anwar Sheikh Mohammed she was alone and other imams in the area are you know sharing that part of the evening with you please do tune in and inshallah hope that you are enjoying this. Once again we
ask Allah Subhana Allah to keep us all safe and sound Dr. Bologna is akmola fer Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh