The Crisis of Marrying Outside the Faith
Channel: Yasir Qadhi
File Size: 25.16MB
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brothers and sisters today. The hot there will be a very heavy and deep one. I ask your indulgence, but it is a topic that is, despite its sensitivity needs to be raised. Yesterday I had a couple that come to me and I have office hours in the masjid. I have a couple that came to me our own community and I have permission to give their story without too many details. In order that we benefit from this. The issue that they had was that their adult daughter, late 20s working career has decided to marry a non Muslim.
Not even just a Christian, but actually an atheist. And she is adamant and she is going to go ahead with this. The parents they are our community members. They are coming to me saying what do we do now? Do we attend the wedding? When children are born?
What's going to happen? How much do we boycott? Or do we even boycott? We have tried we have done she is adamant and she is going ahead with it.
Long story short, there is not much to be specific case the point I'm raising for all of us here. It's a very difficult topic. It's a taboo topic. But every Imam and chef will tell you, this topic is now becoming more and more common. And I firmly believe that prevention is more important than the cure. Correct. preventing this from happening is far more important than people knocking on my door saying my daughter is getting married to a non Muslim, what do I do now? How can we prevent one we're not even raising awareness. So I apologize if you find this topic, too difficult. But it doesn't change the reality that we are facing as a community and the crises that is taking place
across this country. More and more of this phenomenon is taking place. And I hope in sha Allah Tada. But by simply addressing it and sharing my thoughts and they are not foolproof, but at least to begin the conversation. I hope that it has a trickle down effect that we began to discuss this and I'm trying to inshallah give some solutions. And you also think about them and come back to me with other solutions. Collectively, we can try to bring about more preventative measures, there is no failed, you know, foolproof or 100%. Guaranteed, but we can try to raise the bar so that this becomes less common. So I want to begin by stating the obvious, and that is that there is no
question from a legal filthy perspective. Such a marriage is not a marriage. There's just no room for reinterpretation. There is unanimous consensus amongst all the scholars of Islam and all the law med hubs that exist, that when it comes to Nica, a Muslim lady must marry a muslim man, there is no difference of opinion. And this is something that there is a huge amount or unanimous consensus about so we say unequivocally that any person who comes in wants to re change this law, we say no, it cannot be changed. The Quran is explicit. And the Sharia has come with what is called Iijima or unanimous consensus, but the issue and the problem is that at this stage of her life, she doesn't
care what his mom says. She's not interested in Islamic law. She's made an emotional decision. And she is going to go ahead with it. So now the parents are asking from an Islamic perspective. What do they do? I don't have any the daughter didn't come to me. She's not interested. She knows what is haram and she's decided to do this. So my conversation is not with the one who's decided my conversation is with the parents of children, me and you. Let's have this conversation now. So that insha Allah may Allah protect our families, your families, all of our families from ever having to face this crisis. And honestly, it has been troubling my mind since yesterday, the state of my the
mother that came the emotional distress she was in the trauma. I don't even know how to describe it to you. And by the way, and again, for the record. These are practicing members of our community. She was raised in a practicing household. She was praying five times a day fasting Ramadan. And then what happened is I remember it's not somebody this is our communities and no more details about the family. Let's talk generics. So brothers and sisters, what can we do to help prevent such a situation? First and foremost, as we
said raise awareness, shoving our heads in the sand ignoring this reality is not going to make the situation go away. We have to confront this issue as a community, and then especially within our families, and this means parents, that we need to understand the importance of instilling Islamic values in our children's lives. If you do not act as a good Muslim role model to your own son and daughter, if you do not raise them to love Allah and His Messenger, then there are going to be repercussions to this. And these are some of those repercussions. That having been said I also want to be very clear here, it is possible that you've done your utmost best and still your son or
daughter turns out different in which case you cannot go and blame yourself the son of the prophet nor whether his Salam rejected Allah azza wa jal, he became a Kafir. This isn't the Quran, the son of the prophet nor are they his Saddam did not accept Islam, or we're going to blame the tarbiyah of no Hadith. You do the utmost and the rest. There's nothing you can do after that. And I told the mother this that she came to me she was crying, I said, you know you have done apparently from what you have said everything. Now she has made her decision. You can't go back and blame yourself. You did everything now Colossus her life now she has to face the consequences. Yes, the pain will be
there. But you cannot blame yourself if you did your best. But what if you didn't do your best, which is why prevention is better than the cure, which is why I'm having this conversation now. Which is why from now we need to make sure we understand being faithful to our religion is not just something that is nice in the community. It is an Eman saving matter. She was asking Are these grandchildren going to be my grandchildren? And I said, you know Macron wise, yes, but Sharia wise, no, this is literally the answer. maharam biologically Yes. But from a Shediac perspective, there is no new guy. These children are born in Zina are beloved. So fact I can't change the Shetty offer.
And can you imagine how that's gonna make her any of us feel? So my point is, we need to make sure we understand the importance of preserving Islam within the household of making sure our children love Allah azza wa jal, they want to come closer to Allah. That's the only way that this is going to be prevented when the love of Allah is more than the love of this man. That's the only way in this society fear doesn't work, they don't have that fear. In this society, the stick is not going to work, you don't raise your children like this, they must have a love of Allah, the love of the Sunnah, the love of the or the religion of Islam, so that they understand I don't want to do
something that would be displeasing to Allah and His messenger. And that's why point number one of preventative measures, understand the importance of having your children raised upon good tarbiyah good cloud, good knowledge of Allah and His Messenger, pure religion of Islam. And the way to do that is by beginning with yourself, point number two,
we will have to understand another reality. And that is, the culture we find ourselves in is so radically different from the culture that most of us grew up with, that we're gonna have to change parenting techniques and styles. I am positive most of you, your parents never once spoke to you about the facts of life are about awkward issues of biology, or about marriage until after college or whatnot. It was taboo to talk even about this topic, you know what times have changed. And if you're not going to talk to your 19 year old daughter, your 20 year old son, if you're not going to talk to them about your parameters about what you expect from them in marriage, you're going to
think it's awkward, then who else is going to do that? You're going to have to have adult conversations with your adult children. That's not the way our parents raised us. I understand it was a very formal relationship. But that's not going to work in this society, your child has to trust you. And your child has to know that you are genuinely concerned and caring, and also that you are thinking about these issues. So be proactive, engage in these conversations before the time arises. You have to put into them the values and be explicit. Your young son or daughter will eventually be a young man or woman. And you're not talking about biology and reality is not going to
change their feelings and their urges. So we have to be proactive and laid the foundations be clear with them. These are my expectations. Also point number three. And this is again, ideas I could be wrong, I could be wrong. I'm more than happy to engage with you. But it is my humble opinion. One of the ways we need to rethink through is to make Nicca easier within our communities. We have raised the bar of Nikka way too high. And if we're going to do this, then what is going to happen? Our young men might go astray here and there and our young women are also going to go astray each one in different ways. We
have to make NECA easier. Maybe once upon a time 3040 50 years, we're gonna have a long list of conditions, you must have this this this Subhanallah what is better that a young man and woman live in some poverty and halal? Or that they go to haram? What is better that they have a halal outlet for that which is normal? Again, I'm sorry to be so explicit, but you do understand the promiscuity around us. You do understand that majority of high school kids are engaging in premarital, this is the default, and our children are a part of that default. So if you're gonna make the halal difficult, guess what, the Haram is free and cheap and accessible and available everywhere. So I say
to you bluntly,
make the halal easier. Think proactively have conversations and hear one of the tactics, one of the tactics is a very shutter a very pure, you say to your young son, you know, maybe going to be college first year college. So you know what I know you cannot afford to have your own, you know, house and whatnot. But if you are interested in a sister, a lady talk to us, we'll talk to the parents, we will have the Nikka contract, just the contract we call kitab. Right? Then he got a contract done so that you can talk, you can spend some time together, but you're not living together. And the Rosati as we're saying are the were the actual consummation, you can wait till
you're, you know, available and financially stable, but at least in this interim period, keytab should be done. Nikka formalized. Everybody knows these two have a Nikka even if they're 2021 at least they have the each each other to comfort to talk to, to, you know, go out on, you know,
restaurants or whatever. There are urges that are normal, if you're going to keep on blocking these urges, say no until you have a job until you have a house. You know, as I said the Haram is accessible. So another point make the halal easier. Which by the way is of the goals of the Sharia, isn't it not right. That's why the Sharia encourages low Mahara by the way, that's why the process of inquiry is that if a good person comes to you make your son or daughter marry, don't make it difficult. So we need to rethink through and revive the Sunnah of having because it doesn't mean they have to live together doesn't mean that they have an apartment or something. But at least make
Nikka accessible, have frank conversations with your son or daughter. And another point again, this is very awkward, but another whatever point I'm on here, and that is that you cannot expect your son or daughter in this society, to not have feelings when they are of that age. Again, times have changed. And by the way, it's not as if you didn't have feelings when you were 20. The only difference is that society you didn't say anything to your mother or father, you just kept it within you in this society texting phone messages, they don't need your permission. They can contact each other directly. They don't need you. Isn't it better that you give them the option? Hey, look, keep
it halal. And I'll have your back keep it halal. And I'll support you put it into your their minds. If is a dignified boy, a good lady, you're interested, we'll speak to the parents do the Nika contract. So make this something that you put it into their minds and tell them what you're looking for explained to them. Because here's the point, the lady that came to us yesterday, whatever. She's already infatuated with this man, she has been in a relationship years with this man. Now it's too late. She cannot think rationally because she's been in love for five years. Guess what, before she fell in love. If we had this conversation, if we were given options, maybe it would have been easier
because she comes from a religious household. But once you're in love and hollows, your mind cannot think then what is going to happen. So prevention is better than the cure, give this option to our children. Another reality that we need to bring up I forgot which point I'm on but you can just add it on is that understand?
harshness in this society? Generally speaking will be counterproductive. And this is a very difficult topic, but it is true.
In this example, yesterday's example, let me just say for example, suppose the parents were to say we're not going to do anything, boycott this girl completely. Guess what? She will become a darling of the media. Society will embrace her. The inlaws everybody, she's gonna become a martyr that Oh, her parents had nothing to do with her. At the same time, we cannot embrace her either completely. So there's gonna be this awkward in the middle, right? That neither do we accept, but there's still some biological ties. My point is, you cannot use the harshness or strictness. What must be used is the gentleness what must be used is the love of Allah and the Sharia. And also reality of life. You
know, again, because I have these office hours people call me I had a call within COVID was three four months ago. I forgot and this is a story. I told the lady yesterday to tell her daughter and I'm telling all of you as well, this happened with me. i The lady called me up, that she is
is now in her 40s Another lady, she was in her 40s. And she married a non Muslim man. And she said at the time, I knew it was haram. But I thought, You know what, he's letting me be a Muslim. And you know, hello. So I don't have a husband, this is better than she thought better than nothing. So she got married 20 years or whatever. 15 years have gone by now. She hears my husband's lectures, she calls me up, and she's crying. She's saying, I have three kids now. My life is established with this man, but my conscience is killing me. I don't want to meet Allah azza wa jal, having lived a whole life of sin. My children were conceived out of Nikka. What do I do now? I said, What can I do to you
now you come to me after 15 years. But anyway, my point is these types of stories. And I said to this lady yesterday, go tell your daughter, she's only thinking about today. She's not thinking about 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, our young men and women need to be told bluntly, the language that love is not permanent. It sounds very unromantic, very unhealthy word. But it is a fact. The first time you fall in love with a need to hear it from people experienced is not going to be your last time you think it's your one and only you think you're Romeo and Juliet, you think nobody can live without your loved one. In reality you can and you will live after your first crush. If life
goes on. At that stage. You're so narrow minded, you don't understand. We need to tell our teenagers the reality of love. Marriage is more than just temporary feelings of love marriages compatibility, I said to the lady yesterday, and I told her to tell her daughter, what are you going to do? He's letting you pray five times a day. Okay, fine. What are you going to do? When your daughter wants to pray? And you go to wake her up for budget? He's gonna say, are you waking up my 13 year old at 5am know, when your daughter wants to fast when your daughter wants to wear the hijab? Would your husband allow that at that stage, you have to think 1015 years ahead, you cannot make an emotional
decision. Just because you're in love with the man love does not last a lifetime the way that you feel it when you're in a new relationship. We need to be blunt about this false myth of love. Love in a real marriage is more than lust. It is more than infatuation. And it is based upon compatibility. And therefore my next point, very politically awkward, the young kids are going to be very angry at me. But I need to say this.
Arranged marriages did have a big benefit to them.
I'm sorry to say this teenagers, but in fact, arranged marriages did have a lot of benefit. And so don't be averse to the idea. Parents be proactive. If your son is 21 years old, he might not be having a job. But guess what, biologically, he is a full man. Whether you want to admit it or not. He has desires nothing wrong with that he wants to be married, he wants to have a wife, guess what offer him you know, this is a good family. She had to have a good daughter, are you interested? It might not be fully arranged, you know, like prod, go meet a few times. And finally, but still you get my point. Be proactive rather than just be passive. It's to your advantage that you think long
term, it's to your advantage that you are a little bit premature, rather than have to worry about this consequence and also by the way, I have a very clear filthy principle and this is also not popular. You know a lot of my critics they accuse me you're too soft, you're too liberal. Wallah is not about liberal. It's about the goals of the *ty are sometimes referred to as I have are stricter, sometimes their lacks, it's not about strict and lack. It's about the goals of the Sharia. Do you know my fatwa about a Muslim man marrying a Christian and Jewish lady I think is not allowed in this land. I think it's only allowed and not on Islam. This is my fatwa based upon my
understanding of mocassins Sharia, Ibn Abbas had the same fatwa, that the concession for a Muslim man, it only applies when the society is Muslim. When the society is not Muslim, we don't have this concession. Therefore, we should tell our young men, we are not allowing you to marry outside of our faith. This is the fatwa I give, and I have never to this day conducted in a gap between a Muslim man and a normal seletti. I don't think it is allowed, but I know it's a minority view. Clara is a stricter view that I hold but I don't think it is allowed. And we need to tell all of our young men and women marry within the faith we have but one condition good o'clock. Well two conditions good
Allah good. Iman, two conditions actually do the same thing. Whatever the ethnicity and why the weights and other points brothers and sisters, parents get rid of your Johanna wala he get rid of your Jania for your son or daughter to marry a righteous Muslim of any ethnicity is a billion times better infinitely better than for you to put a long list of my tribe in my village and what not forget this. You want good luck and good Eman. That's it. Then it's up to the two of them if they want to get along in marriage or not lower the issues that you have about race and culture and whatnot and let them this a different culture your children are not the same culture as you you know
this they don't speak the same language as you they don't have the same 100% cultural
values as you so why should their spouse reflect your values, let their spouse reflect their cultural values, you get my point here, lower the bar of culture, be much more open minded about accepting people of different cultures that time has gone. You want your children to marry within the faith, not within the race. And I hope and Charlotte had his very clear, final point, again, much can be said, and I really apologize if you find some of this awkward but Wallahi What should I not talk about this? Should we not ignore this issue? And also we're working together in this regard? Another very controversial point. And please hear me out here Subhan Allah, Allah help us I
don't have, I could be wrong. But listen to me.
This is very awkward to say please Don't misquote me.
We have another issue that perhaps might solve this problem a little bit. And that is, our gender segregation within our communities, is ultra strict.
And that type of ultra strictness only works when society follows along.
If you're gonna have old trust strict within the Muslim community,
guess what you cannot control outside the mosque, you cannot control high school, you cannot control college, you cannot control work, this young lady fell in love with a colleague at work, years working together, their relationship is now established, whatever the parents say, the hearts have now gone on.
I know this is very difficult. But hear me out. We need to find a middle balance, a middle balance between segregation that is shorter compliance. And between the outside culture which you don't agree with. Listen to me carefully. And if I'm wrong, talk to me. But I feel this way. It is healthy for young men and women of our community to know of each other's existence. If they're of marriageable age, I think Wallahi it is healthy, that they know of each other's existence in communal gatherings not in privacy. And for us to understand this, and for us to be forward thinking in this regard for some halal, the feelings to develop and your parent, your parents know this, and
they understand that our children are in a community not private, because again, we never want them to be in private. But when they become of marriageable age, is it not healthy in the mshs, in the colleges that communal multiple brothers and sisters coming together, they know of each other's existence, they see the qualities, and the parents should tell the young men and women, if you're interested, come to us don't go to them will talk to their parents, right point is a little bit of understanding that complete gender segregation is actually counterproductive. And we see this over and over again, I myself have dealt with this multiple times. If you're going to take a young man or
young woman deprive him or her of any contact with the Muslim community, well, then what's going to happen, some guy shows her some affection at work, and Hollis, she falls for him. You cannot change biology, a young lady 25 years old, she wants mount male attention. If you're not going to allow a little bit and then marriage, guess what's outside is beyond your control. So we need to have frank conversations at the community level and at the family level, to what level of segregation we want. And I say bluntly, my opinion, if I'm wrong, let's come and talk about it. We need to find a healthy organic balance. It is good for marriage age, I'm not talking about 15 year olds, marriage age men
and women and marriage age means 1920 21. That's when they're biologically capable to know of each other's existence to see the qualities in public gatherings so that they know oh, you know what, the sisters there, this brothers there. And then they talk to the parents that can only happen if their parents have already had a conversation with them. That can only happen if you have an open conversation with your children that hey, look, I know you're only 1920. But I want you to have a halal relationship. And I'm going to support you if you have a halal relationship. Bottom line brothers and sisters. This is a crises across the western world, not just in America. And I have
dealt with this many dozens of times personally, people are coming to me. I don't have 100% solutions. Frankly, nobody does. Nobody does. No matter what you do. In the end of the day, something can happen. May Allah protect my family and your family. I've tried all of our families. But we have to be preventive rather than worry about the cure and somebody coming to my office when the marriage is already decided. And they're asking, Can I attend the Nica or not? And I tell her, it's not even in the guy. What are you going to do? And these are not I don't have an answer to that. Can you attend or not? I told you by the way you should not attend, but for how long are you
going to boycott your own daughter. And then the children are born for how long we're going to boycott. You see? These are human factors.
The Sharia doesn't tell you to boycott or not but you cannot accept this as a Nikka right so my point is that we need to have frank open conversations awkward topics but the only way we're going to inshallah raise the bar is to have these conversations come back to me have a communal event and honestly I'm thinking Inshallah, within this year or something, let's have an actual date day long seminar about crises of marriage and about how we can propose solutions. In the end. If anything I've said is correct. It is from Allah subhana wa Tada. If anything is incorrect, it is from myself and the whisperings of shaitan May Allah subhanaw taala protect my children and your children. May
Allah azza wa jal protect all of us from seeing such a day that our children are causing this type of grief to us. May Allah azza wa jal caused them to live upon Islam and to have righteous spouses with Eman Zack malaco Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
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