Can Your Wife Reject Sexual Intercourse In Islam

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

Episode Notes

Shaykh Yasir Qadhi discusses one of the most sensitive areas of certain verses in the Hadith which have been misinterpreted regarding intimacy.

The husbands can never attain marital bliss by becoming nasty and hurling hadiths at their wives. We should fathom the causes behind the marital discord and aim to resolve it by Muslim marital therapy.

Just as husbands have rights, so do the women and marriage can never succeed if we are worried about our own rights. Ask yourself whether it is me who has issues or not? Kindness, love, mercy and gentleness beautifies everything more so with marriage.

An explicit point for the brothers is that they have no right to be physical or force upon your wife and turn abusive if she rejects intimacy. If the woman refuses, it is between her and Allah SWT and without a valid excuse, she will be held accountable for it.

Episode Transcript

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rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Welcome to the third and final series of shattering taboos about intimacy. This last segment is a little bit difficult because one of the most sensitive areas that I've come across and many of us preachers and scholars and thoughts have come across is the issue of certain verses in a hadith not being understood properly. And in fact, causing sometimes even crises of faith in our sisters and sometimes brothers as well. For example, Allah says in the Quran that men have the degree over women, or that the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu it who has said them that are always misquoted or used by abusive husbands that, you know, if you don't answer the call of the

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husband, and the woman is going to be, you know, cursed, until fudging and whatnot, and men become angry and irritated, and they just throw this at their wives that you're going to be crushed if you don't, if you don't answer my call. And these texts, instead of bringing about some type of marital bliss, they actually become sources of problems for couples. And sometimes those problems get to even a theological level where some people might even end up rejecting these verses, if not the faith itself, because they don't quite understand and realize brothers and sisters that it's never appropriate to misquote a partial Hadith or verse in isolation of the rest of the text. Yes, it is

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true that some verses might mention the privileges of one gender. But there are other verses mentioned other things as well. Don't just quote one heavy and ignore 10 others. So the same book that might mention this hadith also mentions for example, the prophet system, saying that the best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best to my wife. That's what he said, the best of the men are those who are the best to their wives, and the ending of the prophets Allison's hospital without the farewell pilgrimage that Allah will ask you about your wives and how you treated them. And the verse in the Quran that Allah subhana wa tada says, What 100 Miss Lula de la

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hinda bill Maru, and the wives as well have obligations due to them, just like they have obligations to give to their husbands, the both of them, they have to give similar rights to one another beard, my roof in accordance with the culture and the custom of the time. So, brothers and sisters, these topics obviously cannot be discussed in a lot of legal detail in these short mini series, I just want to point out a number of things. Firstly, advice to the husbands, you will never obtain marital bliss, by being nasty and mean to your wife, you're never going to attain happiness by cutting half a verse or half a hadith and throwing it in anger at your wife as if you think that you have the

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right to judge her and pass Allah's verdict on her. So if there are problems, and if there are issues, the way to solve those issues is not to become nasty and mean and abusive. And just to hurl around and headache at her as if that's going to solve the situation, that's not going to solve the problem. And secondly, brothers and sisters, realize that a lot of times problems are coming from two ways. In other words, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And generally speaking, there are causes that are from both partners may be even more from the partner that's getting angry. So the question arises, why then is the in this particular case, if the husband feels angry that his

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needs have not been met, and she quotes this hadith against the wife, then the husband needs to think well? What might be the causes for this? Am I doing something as well that maybe she doesn't feel the need to be romantic with him? Am I being

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somebody who's not taking care of her emotional or physical needs? It's a two way street. And rather than immediately jump to anger, try to talk and converse and find out what is going on. And I always suggest that couples that are in trouble, they should go for marital therapy, simple videos are these types of online instructions, much less Do It Yourself books are not going to solve the problem. Go to people who are trained to go to licensed Muslim therapists who know are shady or will understand our our heritage and can help you out to overcome these things. Also, and I'm not going to deny that yes, the Quran and Sunnah does have certain legal rulings that might seem to say that

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the husband has certain privileges that the wife doesn't have, but it's a two way street. The wife as well has rights and obligations. So do not just quote one side of the equation without quoting the other side of the equation. And lastly, brothers and sisters, a marriage can never flourish. If you're looking at the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. A marriage can never succeed. If you're just obsessed with your rights, and you're not concerned with the rights of the other people.

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Party, even if you feel the either party, even if you feel that the other partner isn't doing his or her job, firstly, ask yourself, Am I doing my job. And if you feel that you are, that's a different situation, take it to a counselor, whatnot. But if you feel that you know what, maybe I myself also have some issues try to work on the marriage from a two way street. And I also have to say, never, ever underestimate the power of kindness, of love, of mercy of gentleness, our profits of the loved one that he was send them said that kindness is something that beautifies whatever it is in, and harshness is something that scars everything that is in in one head. He said, Never his kindness and

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gentleness added to something except that it beautifies it. So how much more so in a marital situation, that kindness has to exist, you cannot have a healthy marriage that is based upon a legal checklist, you have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this, what type of marriage is that, even if there are legal requirements, those legal requirements have to be a framework upon which love and kindness exists. And not just a checklist of do's and don'ts. So brothers and sisters do not misuse and abuse these ahaadeeth to cause some type of emotional trauma to your partner, these ahaadeeth exist, and I'm not stuck with a lot of denying them, they're there. But there are

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other ahaadeeth as well that it can be used by both sides. And the point of this, these Hadeeth were never used, or the Quran was never used to make one of the partners make the other one feel bad to use these foreign and first as tools as weapons to emotionally beat the other. These verses are meant for their own genders to know their own rights, not for the other gender to use as a tool to bank the other gender into submission. Men should hear the verses about them, women should hear the verses about them. And they should act in accordance with their belief in Allah subhanahu wa Tada. Also a very, very, very explicit point needs to be said here, brothers in particular,

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if in case your wife for whatever reason, does not wish to engage in intimacy, that is between her and Allah subhana wa Tada. And yes, if she doesn't have an excuse, then that's not something positive and the Hadith are very, very clear that that's not something she should do. But that does not to give you the right to be abusive, that does not give you the right to curse or be vulgar, that does not give you the right to be physical. And especially let me say this explicitly, that does not give you the right to force yourself upon her. When she has said no, then that is something that if she does not have an excuse, then she is sinful for refusing without a legitimate excuse. I

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will be the first to say that, but you are sinful if you abuse her saying no and use it against her in a physical manner that is between her and Allah subhana wa Tada. And she will have to answer our Prophet system did say that if the woman refuses without any valid reason, then the angels are angry with her until salted fudger. So yes, that is a spiritual thing the angels will curse with the angels are angry with her. That is a spiritual, he did not say husbands you have the right to go physically abused them. No, he didn't say that he did not say husbands forced yourselves on them. If they say that they're not interested or they're not going to do that. They need to be advised by

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third parties. Sometimes the husband isn't the right person to even give that advice. They need to be they need to discuss with their husbands later on what is going on. Most likely, it's a two way street. They feel that their needs are not being met. And so they feel that this is something that they're going to do in return. And of course, theoretically speaking, emotionally speaking, it's not healthy. If a partner uses sex and denies it as a weapon on the other that's not healthy in a marriage. Nonetheless, if one partner decides to do that, it doesn't allow the other partner the right to force himself or herself sometimes on the other partner. That is something that is not

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allowed in this religion. And it is a type of Ridwan, a type of transgression that the Sharia will not forgive. So bottom line brothers and sisters that it is true that there are verses and a hadith that talks about the legal framework of marriage and these need to be taken in the overall context. Each partner has a list of do's and don'ts that is applicable to them. These do's and don'ts should not be used as battering tools to to hit the other person emotionally with them and say do this or else that's never going to bring about a successful marriage. And if these issues are surfacing, problems are happening. Both parties should calm down and be very, very frank and gentle and ask

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what is going on? Why is this taking place? Is there something that I've done that is causing this or an open up and try to go to America

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To counselor, a therapist and open up as well. And obviously the last point you know as obviously a religious teacher, I have to tell you, this is a very necessary point, the both of you husband and wife to turn to Allah subhana wa tada for prayer for, for guidance, the both of you should raise your hands up and make dua to Allah to soften both of your hearts and to better the marriage. It doesn't make sense to win an argument by losing the marriage rather, the marriage has to be maintained as much as possible and that is the ultimate goal of the show. Dr.