Practical Tips For Increasing Love In Marriage
Channel: Yaser Birjas
File Size: 22.46MB
Iamy Convention Winter Conf 1
disposition to one another, they have the inclination to love one another.
Even he said a couple,
Zealand's NASA helped push
a lot of houses
zooming in, and it was very beautiful,
to be able
the love of this design to women, which is not
the same thing, women,
it's very natural
to design a so if a man doesn't feel that women does not feel this
psychological issue or cultural issue, whatever, but there is some.
it is something. So there is something natural, why would this not even come to prevent them, this will not prevent you from loving someone from the opposite gender, almost would encourage you to do them. However, he wants us to do it is in writing
that you fulfill the requirement for that, and then maintain that relationship.
Now, for the youth, he really talks about how to start that loving relationship, how to go about
this talk is specifically designed for those who are married, about to get married. And
one day to be in such a situation in a beautiful marriage relationship, what can we learn about the subject of love, and once we learn about the subject of relationships, when it comes again, to the issue of love, it is something natural, and love is a choice.
It happens by choice, meaning that you have the option to love your spouse, and you have the option to drop that love out of the relationship.
Now, how many of you are the man?
those are where right now, you guys most likely, most likely.
Most likely, you're not married to the first person you've ever fell in love with.
Because your first thought chances are your first thought was somewhere in the neighborhood.
Or maybe in the Islamic school.
That happens, it just happens. But then as you grow older, you start maturing. And so
love is different. It has a lot of dynamics right? Now. Don't ask your spouse after this class or so.
gonna ask the question, because you're already in Germany relative relationship.
Because this is part of dynamics of love. Yes, love comes and goes. But it's it has its secrets. It has a secret.
No one until this day can explain the meaning of love. They can give you manager positions. It's emotional, its intellectual. It's this
repetition. They say it's actually sickness, you need to go see a doctor. Fall
in Love is not that mystery. When it comes to establishing an intimate relationship, it is not a mystery. It has its own its own tools and instruments, if you call them
a beautiful and modern relationship. Let me give you two theories they have actually
come to the subject of level two theories about how to understand love, love, as I said,
it's an action. It's not just a thought.
You enjoy the cinema enjoy intellectually. It is something that you can really practice in relationship. So it's an action. And they have developed two major theories. Number one, they call it the last time you looked at
marriage is just like driving a vehicle to
the husband isn't in the driver's seat usually.
And then the wife is in the passenger seat. And then
they're driving that journey together.
Mondays. If you ask Mike specifically, for some time, if a woman hates anything when it comes to traveling is to go on a road trip.
Why? Because the husband's mind is always on the destination. And the woman she wants to enjoy the time.
So the woman they leave the hospital is checking the time.
That was amazing. Five hours.
And when he looks at his wife, she has that frowny face. Why? Because he made his achievement in demand and the demand man wait for the woman, she did not benefit from that time. She did not.
So usually men when they drive, as long as the car is still running, you don't have to stop.
When do you usually start to fill the gas
tank is empty when the light is on, right?
If you asked ladies, I found that most of the
most of the ladies they stopped when the tank was actually basically past the halfway mark, or close to the last quarter. Once it hits the last quarter, they start to fill up for guys as long as the run and you don't have to stop. Why? Because it's still running. Don't touch it. We still have time. I remember one time One day I was given a presentation. And
so they asked me to take me up on the hotel. When I stepped into the car. The first thing I looked at was the meter and so the light was already on.
I told him I think you need to stop
it pressed a button
and found 70 miles left to go
70 miles for the car to stop.
This is just fine.
Without a good standard for men, as long as the car is monitored, no need to stop to check on it. No need for maintenance. For women, they need to stop every now and then that's exactly what happened in relationship. For the man as long as no one is not complaining, we find don't stop.
Don't Ask Don't try to
make all the extra charges.
Once we did that,
for a woman, she likes to keep your car clean. Nice morning, Mashallah. regularly, everything is smooth and soft, she doesn't have to worry about anything because she has a very high level of alert and urgency. She's afraid to get stranded any moment of that on the road trip, which in this case, so she needs to stop every now and then with her husband. So how's things going? So this
man gets irritated, and woman gets the response, and they start breaking that relationship.
So when a man wants when a man wants to continue, he's acting like another man he just wants to give your woman wants to start because he wants to check how the relationship is going on. That's the first the second theory called the bank account theory. The love bank account.
Remember, when you first you know the first time you proposed, what did you do? Did you cut off the handle.
That's a lousy way of starting nothing religious. But at least when you propose it should come in.
And when you
start speaking, you show that the best image you can write
you want to impress the person. So you usually bring out the best of what you have. And that's exactly what you do. you've invested in the woman to start a proposal, you've already opened a lot of bank account with him
So you just invest in you keep depositing you bought a gift Mashallah.
And then you can extend was a nice word, a lot of compliments. Mashallah
Dino growing up together and helping each other.
around the house, you always invest in the account of the opposite party. So you keep investing, investing, investing, and that's why these young men and women when they first get married for the first perhaps few months, don't pay attention to the balance because they're invested so much. They're retired very soon, relationship. So they start withdrawing, withdrawing, demanding, demanding demand and until they don't have cash, they don't have love and that lady with that
she sees reality.
She sees the reality of life and the man comes in, he throws his shoes and his socks everywhere.
This is the time when you wake up
next to that person, perhaps for the rest of your life, no man come over
and sit on the guy started.
Now, whatever the application would have been proposed, so you see that he added five and now that those points are actually deducted. So keep in balance in relationship is very, very important. If you started your relationship with other good deeds, keep up the good work, never start a positive relationship.
So as they progress in life,
love transforms itself from one level to the other. Many men and women living in this society, this culture, we cannot help it really we cannot help but think of love as the basis of a successful marriage relationship. Which is true. Absolutely. However, how do you define love?
in this culture, lovers, just sentiments, feelings. And that's why when you ask them after seven years of marriage, so what's happening? Well, we love each other anymore.
How do you define love, just don't feel it anymore.
How you feel it as much as the seasons.
As we said, it's an action, you practice you deposit love increases, you stop acting good, the relationship, that deposit
diminishing slowly, gradually.
So you have to keep forever this culture was everything about love, and
medicine, even. And the theme of this conference is about the love and mercy and the divine gift from Allah subhana wa tada a lot
in the room.
great miracles is mentioned
the creation of the heavens and the earth, the creation of different languages, the creation of all these amazing things in the middle in between, he said that among all of these signs is this and he has created for you for yourself spouse,
that you might find peace within
plays, video marks.
is one degree of love. In the Arabic language comes in more than 60 different shades. Love help going to tell you all these different colors of love. different aspects of mama is love with mercy and kindness with gentleness.
So it's not just a sentimental feelings of love that is practical, that is full of gentleness, with kindness with mercy. And then
he mentioned mercy. And that combination of a relationship from this. They say it's it's actually passion and compassion. These are the two ways for a successful marriage relationship just like a bird that flies with two strong winds, if you don't work hard on these two when transmitted by in the relationship. And the summer always focuses on love, just passion to hearing about compassion.
And vice versa. So you have to do your best as much as you can, in order to keep both from the shackles of passion and compassion. As people grow older in the relationship. You know, the beginning there was so much into each other
person, the first baby. So the baby splits that hearts. woman's attention right now is between her first baby her husband
gets confused what's going on here.
And the guy that spends more time with the baby than we do with this one. She gets a little bit jealous.
Again, the point is that stress starts bringing a lot of things to the family life. She's not the most loving wife anymore because she's too stressed out. She's too busy. She's too soft. She's too tired. Just be like this for the past month. And the knowledge fixer uppers delivers the baby to return back to Barack Obama like the first purchase he made first. It's gonna take a while. Same thing for the woman. She expects the guy
to always be stress free because he never gets
to plan for the future, he gets really, really stressful in a marital relationship. So a man when he talks about love and expect from his wife, he summarizes love based on the list that occurred for me. men usually summarize love with one word. If I asked you guys, what would you demand the most from your wife? When one word, what would you ask for?
There's something else, obedience comes with it. What is it?
Can you get respect?
Men, they want respect, there is a lot if you ask them what they want most from your
They will ask whenever they want the most from their husbands, what would they say?
They usually say love and understanding, passion and compassion.
For men, when it says respect, they need my support, appreciation, obedience and so on respect, that's what they demand the most. And contemporary therapists they did a lot of research on this issue. And they found out ironically, ironically, that Firstly, the number one reason number one reason why men go astray Sharla Muslim men
the number one reason they said because they are emotionally dissatisfied.
Even men can be
so they were emotionally dissatisfied. Okay, what is the number one reason for them to be emotionally dissatisfied, they find that the number one reason for that is being under appreciated,
that they deny, they deny that of the husband, and they deny that they don't appreciate him enough.
So if you just draw a circle, why did you have troubles in the family, and inshallah, after that, I'm gonna move on to give you these practical tips on how can you rekindle a relationship. So just to give you an idea how important love and respect and relationship if you have a pen and paper, I want you just to draw on the top, I want you imagine a circle, imagine a circle. And on the top, I want you to draw or to write down, he reacts
on the top, just by that he reacts on the top,
on the bottom of that circle, I want you to write down, she reacts.
So he adds to the top sheet and from the bottom of the circle.
Now to the right side of the circle, to the right of that circle, I want you to write down without love,
And to the left side of the circle, I want you to write down without respect
without respect. So the top you have here the x bar Theory X right side without love the left side without respect. Can you read it for me from the top.
So you say without love, she reacts without respect. he reacts without gloves shoot it out loud respectively. I love shooting
and move on and on and on.
When a man does not show love to his wife, it expects her to come crying at her speed. I'm sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.
But eventually, in your dream it might happen. Or women also they have their own their own personalities. And
yes, they might come and cry sometimes, but other times they will just the opposite.
And the same thing when a woman she does not respect her husband she act without respect. expecting the man now because he or she knows his needs
and as a response to his lack of love, relationship
and ambitious photos of growing and growing
as a lender
This respectful relationship, and there's no love at all. Someone has to come and cut that vicious circle intervention is important for one of the two spouses before it escalates and becomes actually very, very dangerous.
So for the men, who try to always use silence,
you think they can act with respect, you really, for the lady, who don't even try to show love and appreciation and respect and her husband expecting him to come crying, it's not going to happen. Someone has to cut that circle vicious circle, and start to shuffle the data fresh and new, which means you have to step on it
for the sake of determining, and on top of that, for the sake of Allah.
Because the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, hire,
the best among you are those who
at an ion, he says,
I am the best to look at an example. And you will find the best to shop for you. Now some of these practical tips.
The first thing I would like to commit to my dear brothers and sisters in any military relationship, or to be shown on the future, is to try to understand the differences that are lost between us men and women. When we talk about differences, Allah said that
so they're not alive. But that doesn't mean that doesn't mean that they're better than the absolute miracle. Now, we've been created the difference, we've been created different for a purpose. And that purpose is to be unique, to be unique in our ways, and to complete each other, not to compete against each other. So we are all created, with unique roles to complete each other not to compete against one another. To compete without competing, we're gonna all lose, to complete. That's what the prophets Allah says.
Women are the counterparts for men, which means they completed it just like when you split an apple, meaning the two pieces, they complete each other. That's the exact meaning of so look at this, look at these values that are different between men and women, and a shout out to see things
from these things.
When it comes to value things, men they like to value port
authority they like to achieve. And women they like to value relationship, beauty, emotions, time, and so forth. So for example, when it comes to shopping, men and women, they go shopping together. They hate shopping together. Maybe the first few months of their relationship does this show off. But afterwards, it becomes a nightmare for them to go. Why? Because remember, the last time you guys you went to go shopping for groceries.
But if you never went together to go for groceries, that's the first thing a man does when he says to his wife into the store.
Happiness your husband
or your brother?
What would be the first thing he does not say?
Oh, what does he What does he do first?
If you're running or someone else, or something else is
the first thing you check your watch.
Ladies, they're getting smarter right now no longer watches.
They will just fake it if someone calls me a month, but after taking the time.
Why is that for that and when you see that
the last thing they do as they walk out of the store is to check the time again. And in their minds.
I was in love with management. Or they will just start you know, venting getting angry and upset because I wasted another 10 minutes because it was too much for them. So men and women developing differently and even he makes it worse when they go together. So they have a list. The wife wants to go shopping. She wants to walk you know through the aisles and check what's going on what's the you know that she wants to buy? What do you just want to enjoy that time with her husband? She just wants to feel alone with my husband.
So the man was like okay, this is
a section you got
running with the babies all pushes the top
five minutes already. Why? Because we appreciate things differently when a man or woman go to eat together outside again for a woman to go to eat
is the ambience, the atmosphere, that togetherness moment, just hearing together Manchester about how expensive The food is. The moment it opens the menu reveals what?
Fire fine, it's okay.
Why because for her to justify getting to be together, it's not about how expensive The food is what kind of food that is to just spending that time together so they value things differently. So please further the system whenever you got together just give him a break, you know that he wants to go as fast as soon as possible.
let's have 25 minutes
now the man is a
limit to handle, he's not gonna plan on the job that comes close with the tool for 24 minutes. So you enjoy the first 23 minutes
whenever you come into a store without knowing when we gonna leave you there be stressed out from the first second until the last second. So give it some time for the husband whenever you please also give a break. She wants to have that togetherness moment with him. So when she tells you look at this nice dress, what
a nice dress What does he do?
He takes the time.
Immediately because forget.
isn't this a beautiful? Men don't buy
for them bring them a piece of junk like a computer, for example, or a car carnamah sportscar there was a beautiful man
acknowledges that achievement. It's what they have been put in the effort. And so again, try to understand each other show differently.
Number two, the second point when it comes to dealing with stress,
when it comes to dealing with stress sisters, when your husband is stressed out comes up.
Can you tell if he's happy or not? stressed out or not? Can you tell? It's easy. That's the thing.
You can hide anything.
You gotta try to fake a smile, assess what's going on. Something is wrong. And the man he doesn't like his wife who feels that he's incompetent. So he doesn't want to show that there's a problem. Don't worry about
how do men deal with stress? They try to seclude themselves. They want what they call it space. Give me space. Don't talk to me about but a woman. She sees her husband in trouble. She wants to help him. She wants to go check. I was wondering, how do women deal with stress? Women who stress in the opposite way completely the opposite. When
to talk who was there to talk to after spending eight, nine hours at home by herself specifically.
And she quit everything for her career, her school, her family everything. And now she's there nine hours waiting for this guy to come for more. So she cooked everything
for him finally arrives. Mashallah. So she comes
to the kitchen,
she gets stressed out.
Why? Because now I've been reading all these hours for you to come and see me and talk to you even asked me to
women do tell them how was your day they will get everything.
It's not that they're complaining. It's just that there's a moment that
someone can listen to me. And that's why when man does not listen to what what do women usually do.
They call someone they call mom they call a friend. They got a sister and they talk. They talk. One of these most hateful points men mentioned about the women and the leadership of the wives. They said to reveal family secrets outside the family.
someone hasn't listened to them, so they're going to talk? You can prevent that from happening. But you can help them to let things get easier.
Also when someone comes to my sister's house,
Usually, if your husband coming back to the first hour, he's going to go into seclusion, that seclusion does not have to be physical seclusion. He can be sitting there in the living area, and he is having his cell phone, or maybe just open the TV watching your
child is not watching anything at all. And he says, My God, what is he doing? Nothing.
Literally, that's what he's doing nothing. Because he wants to do nothing. That's the moment for him to read things out.
Is not watching anything for
him. He doesn't want to walk. He doesn't want to let things out in that fashion without anyone talking to him. So usually, the man goes to the office, and he sits down there. The wife, she says her husband's out as a woman, she knows if someone is in trouble, what do you need to do? You need to talk.
what's going on? Nothing.
So what's going on?
So I told you nothing.
And then she goes back and she feels hurt. Why is that? Because
you told me Come on.
nothing, just give me a break into my space. When a woman insists to help her husband in a feminine way. A man's masculine mentality kicks in and he gets really upset. Because you know, I'm leaving.
So he goes up.
When a man comes home, and he sees his wife sitting there almost time, he knows that she's dressed up. Right? how women cope with stress, they need to talk about when a man comes and he says someone stressed out he asked his wife
What's going on? She goes, nothing.
What does a man do with us? Nothing.
another woman she goes who God just so insensitive.
But you just said nothing. And nothing is giving my space? What woman when she says nothing she means ask again.
Insist come back to Don't leave me alone. So
you don't even have to ask the question. Just come closer. Don't even say a word sit next to them. And just hold them. Just let them cry, do not have to cry.
Because one of the biggest mistakes young men do when this is the worst time they cry.
Because they say this is how it should act with a woman violent. Women with women. They love them. They cry together. But when a woman says her husband finally hurts, she looks at me she goes.
So don't send the wrong message. That doesn't mean not to cry when there's a need for you to cry. It's okay. It's
the past quarter or So eventually, if you see a situation
and don't see anything. If you start you know, just criticizing you. It's not really about you don't take it personally. Personally just
stressed out, you don't have to talk him
through what it is you do, just go and fix them something that he likes. Whether it's a cup of coffee, or a cup of tea, sweet, something like that. Don't worry, he's gonna come back.
And then just gorgeous place for that cup of coffee.
Just put your hand on the shoulder until one minute
time right now.
It's gonna be using shallow darlin, you're gonna go through, if you need to.
Trust me, the man's gonna come chasing you in three seconds. He's gonna bring this cup of coffee with him. Because he knows someone understands, finally, at least.
So you just need to know how to tackle these issues in the most appropriate way. Number three when it comes to,
to the issue of motivation, what really motivates men in America. What motivates men in America relationship is feeling needed.
When a man feels his wife needs him, he works so hard. And that's why most men they work from six o'clock in the morning until 10 o'clock at night. And when they come back, they they comes to us and problem
and it brings all these nuts
we got this
paycheck was this, he thinks that it's just like a hunting pack. It is part of the house portion, and inspected.
She's very stressed out too, because you've been there so long. So imagine he sees when he sees his wife, he does know, when a woman does not appreciate that what happens when a man comes and says, look at this, and she goes, Yeah, but you weren't with me when your kids were doing 123. And she starts complaining to him. And now she breaks his heart,
all my sacrifice, because nothing
is such an unappreciative woman, this
And in this case, they would never come to talk to her about anything. That's it. For the rest of us
are the woman on the opposite side. So what really motivates a woman in a relationship is feeling cherished and taken care of. She likes her husband to take care of things for her. You know, when you watch her starts complaining about the process, you know, what she means by law says, Don't worry about it. I'll pick it up for you when I come
around, the kid is sick. And so don't worry, I'll make an appointment of Dr. Sharma. I'll let you know if I can make it our daughter. She needs some sort of feeling that someone is caring, and even when the man offers not a woman usually she said.
But she needs to know that the man really understands. And he cares. He cares as he goes through all these difficulties to make appointments, getting famous. kids go to school, she needs to know that our husband also appreciates her just as we heard about us. And the point of this dimension, actions, eventually, women and men they think differently, or
this is to complete each other not to compete against each other
examples I will conclude with these examples.
However, the profits
invest in the relationship with this one's highly invested. Here are the secrets of the profits.
Number one, the profits verbally was always appreciated. And he always gave them words of affirmation, meaning you always verbally confirmed his love for his wife's look at these things.
She was the most beloved. And everybody knew that.
So one day when a man
who was the most beloved, you know what he said?
The man was shocked because I wasn't, you know.
He says, aloha Heavenly Father.
was asked a very simple question Who is the most beloved to you? And he's
if you ask him a question, he will tell you the truth. So he says there's no question about it. Because
he's still ascribed and father,
He didn't say, my friend he said her father
was so proud of
Panama even the time in
which he used to report a story on a device I would say has to be heavy
on the authority of
Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam used to collage with Beautiful Names, you know, when you try to you know, bring good these beautiful names. So instead of calling him
hash, yeah, is
it just like calling your your daughter like my daughter, for example? We call her
for example. That's okay.
So call your wife is their child.
Telecaster years of your lifetime, take it easy.
Not surprising to that says. And then by the way, just remember it
was enough, right? So now this is the first day was affirmations. Number two, they need quality time.
They need you all the time you.
Sometimes the lines no more than 510 minutes, just to sit there listening to them and pay attention to what they say it makes a big difference in their lives.
Don't say all these 11 1216 hours of work. I'm doing this for you. That doesn't count because your family do they do not see you a way for them. They only see you away from them.
And for them, that doesn't count. Also, and this is Trevor with his wife, he would take on those trips, some activities. You know, the women they complain, the husband never stopped for gas.
A lot for three hours, like running a marathon. Come on, man to stop every couple of hours, an hour and a half. Just talk for five minutes, five seconds, just notice the sunset is so beautiful. Nothing the guy has to learn the proper solar cell and he stops and he even one day he told Alisha, let's race. He was racing
in the desert, and the first time she wanders. Second, he wonders, and he was laughing. Because
one by one. We have no reports of tiebreakers. But whenever the enjoy the moment when they were racing against each other number three, receiving gifts.
of course, they love what
it has to be of $3,000 an hour.
That's what you'll never see a chocolate bar from
because it's cheap. for them. Women, they value the notion, the idea
that when you bought that chocolate bar, even for laundry, you were thinking about, oh my god that counts everything.
Instead of you know saving for the rest of your life, just to buy a
house or a great time exhibiting
So we're invested in these chocolate bars, that is great.
Enjoy your time they need to get ladies even guys, they like it.
And take it easy on them. Don't buy the most expensive thing, because the money's gonna go into Google to see how much it cost you
$500 to this I already,
guys, just the idea. The iOS, you bought it for you. That's what counts.
So eventually you do this, it doesn't have to be very expensive. But the
next act of service.
He wasn't the surface of his family. He used to do everything with his hands. He used to sweep the house. But
what's wrong with
shoes, nice shoes, you can do that.
You can do that. That doesn't mean that doesn't mean that they
don't have to do it.
That doesn't mean that it means that sometimes.
But you know when he showed us to him acts of service as well, he would love it.
He would love to have acts of service of her husband, like cleaning you know, after the kids, for example, doing the dishes sometimes when she's stressed out, she's taken me to sleep, you do something for her, eventually acts of service will make a difference in the relationship. And finally, physical contact, physical contact from the
During the meeting, she overheard the
thing with the swords and the Spirit. And so she wanted to watch. She wanted to watch it. So the prophet SAW seven he noticed this and this is how the
husband would act. The prophet SAW I challenge you just kind of trying to listen. So he looked at me because
from that gesture, and that's what I love about the
Don't don't do
you're gonna have to sometimes be straightforward with your requests. Because like I said, Why didn't you say so?
No, no, no, no, these guys they have to have translators interpreters do not
understand really sometimes but
So if anyone wants
to watch the show,
for her, and there was a window into the message
and she was behind his back
hair. He was on his cheek. And I want you to visualize that. Imagine he was standing for her.
And she was hiding behind it, so no one can see it.
But because she was a professor lasala her chin would go on his show, like this. And she said,
and his chief was my chief or his chief. Now, can you visualize that position?
Can you even try to visualize the type of thing where her hands were with her hands up?
standing behind you, her chin is on your shoulder, and the cheek was on the cheek, whereas would be my best
but at least he said, what the
chief was on his cheek all this time.
Like all men know.
So you guys know yet.
Nyah, until she said, I'm gonna
policy, then they went back again.
then hacia when she used to read the story, she said that a very,
very provocative statement. She says, Well,
you know what, I had no interest in watching that at all.
I just want the other wife to know about this position for me.
She just did it.
Ladies. He was standing for her in such a beautiful, intimate, you know, position we'll have
someone was surprised
you bring it together,
have some issues related to
what the professor was, I was a very loving husband. And as you have seen, it was a very, very practical relationship. He invested so much in a relationship.
And in return, they invested as much invested in that relationship as well to the last breath.
When the prophets of Allah seven died, he died, as I should describe, between their chin on her chest,
his head and his van will lie on the chest of Ayesha woman.
When he gave up his last breath, he was in that position. Can you imagine a loving relationship or love story better than
it was such a great practical relationship and such a genuine and true practical love? If you really want to have love in your marriage, don't watch it on TV.
You can get it from all these gossip magazines. You will get it from a source