Porn Addiction – From Taboo to Transformation
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Channel: Wael Ibrahim
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AI Generated Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the emotional reasons behind people leaving Islam, including relapsing, del payments, and desire for more. They stress the importance of creating environments and seeking support from experts to avoid addiction, and the need to find support and eliminate obstacles to avoid confusion. They also warn against giving up on Islam and offer advice for individuals who may become addicted. tailoring environments for individuals and addressing behavior and seeking their own success are essential, and individuals should seek their own success.AI Generated Transcript ©
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala addresses both men and
women in Surat An Nur in verse 30,
commanding them to lower their gaze and to
guard their private area.
In this podcast I have a very special
interview and a very special topic and I
have to warn you that it is a
very sensitive topic.
The topic is about pornographic addiction among other
addictions.
This is a very prevalent
issue
nowadays, and experts have described it as a
global epidemic.
I myself,
as an educator
and a community leader, am approached almost on
a daily basis by not only youth, but
even older people and couples in marriages
complaining about this issue. Just the other day
I had
a young man tell me that it's Ramadan
and I intend to stay away from this
foul act. However, I can't guarantee how I'm
going to do after Ramadan. Do you have
any advice?
Based on this, brothers and sisters,
I have a very special guest speaker, a
friend of mine, Shaykh and Ustadh,
Wa'il Ibrahim, who is situated in Perth. He's
an international guest speaker and has authored several
books on this particular topic. Among them are
Aware,
Find Out Who You Are Without Pornography.
Another book entitled Pornography is Mental. Mental Health
Crisis Caused by Pornography.
Number 3, Best It. 50 plus Shades of
Hope. And also Better Me,
365 Ways to Transform
Your Everyday Life.
Ustazwah Il Ibrahim, Shekhwel Ibrahim, has also been
through a calamity himself,
where he had a tragic
accident,
and he wrote a book about it for
those who go through calamities entitled, My Wheelchair:
My Journey of Getting Back Up on My
Feet'.
So I am pleased to
welcome our dear guest, Ustaz Shaikhwa
for everything and for the beautiful introduction.
Aloha Salam Alaikum, we've just come back from
a long,
trip together,
interstate and also,
I missed the journey in the UK.
Being together with Mufti Menck, Shakhomar Salehman, Shakhu
Bakrzad
and Achi Eiman. Masha'Allah, we miss the company,
we're looking forward to reunite inshaAllah. I enjoyed
your very busy tremendously.
Let's begin inshaAllah.
Being an educator myself,
this topic has always been a taboo topic
especially in a Muslim community where
they feel it's
a shameful topic or disrespectful to open up
a topic like that. In your experience, Sheikh,
why do you think this topic is so
important now? Bismillah Rahman Rahim Alhamdulillah Wassa Allahu
As Salaamu Alhamdulillah Wassaam.
It is very important, Shaykhna, because it is
super prevalent
in our community. It's super prevalent in every
community, in every segment of the society.
You'll find people are impacted by this plague.
I have seen people who divorce their wives
in my counseling office because of this issue.
I have seen children failing their exams because
of this issue. I have actually seen someone,
in fact, the one who got me started
the research wanted to kill himself because of
the same addictive behavior called pornography.
So if we don't, as people of knowledge,
address it publicly,
then who else will talk about it? It?
Parents
have no clue. They gift their children cell
phones, iPads, laptops,
and they allow them to use all these
internet devices in the bedrooms.
And this is where the problem
takes place.
And the parents are mostly oblivious to the
fact that
this has been destroying their
children. I have seen even people in the
past 3 years in particular or 4 years
who have
left Islam completely because of the same thing.
Left Islam? Yes. They
have confessed to me that they are no
longer
believers in Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala because they've
been relapsing every week, every 2 weeks, every
3 weeks, and every time they will repent
and go and relapse, repent. And so they
thought
that Allah is not listening to the prayers.
They failed to realize of course that addiction
is something more powerful than just quitting
on your own, you know, by yourself in
your bedroom,
but it led them to
this, to leaving Islam completely. So when are
we going to talk about it then?
And with these people who leave islam,
what do you think is
the
emotional, psychological reason for them? What goes through
their head for leaving Islam? What is the
issue?
Because they don't like going to those behaviors.
They don't want it to be addicted to
these,
issues. They know that it's haram. They know
that it's wrong,
and they can't control their behavior. So every
time they relapse, they repent.
We ask Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to forgive
them. Some of them they will take a
bath and pray to raka' and ask Allah,
'Yeah, Allah take me out of this.' Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will open doors for us
to repent,
but he will not send his angels
to make you quit the action. You have
to create the right environments and to,
reach out to to experts who can help
you, assist you
together with your dua, together with your salah
and so on and so forth. So because
they are missing all these links, they end
up thinking that Allah is not there. He's
not listening to them. He's not responding to
their dua.
What
made you
come into this topic? What made you take
up this area of expertise and be so
passionate about it?
Several things, Sheikh. I was in Hong Kong
when I started when I came back from
my past music and
this industry into Islam, Alhamdulillah. We started an
organization in Hong Kong City called Serving Islam
Team.
And, it was purely for Dawah. There was
no any intention for me to speak about
this topic whatsoever.
Until an 18 year old boy at that
time,
who came to my office and he confessed
his addiction
to pornography
to me and he said that he is
reflecting suicide.
And after a little bit of conversation, I
found out that he's been addicted for 7
years already, like 7 years. He's 18 years
of age and he's been addicted to this
thing for 7 years. And that took me
years back in the nineties
when we used to exchange tapes and magazines
of that nature. And I remembered that every
night we will access or we'll view those
content,
protect us and forgive us, you know. Mhmm.
We will be disturbed in a manner that
I cannot even fathom or describe. We will
not even sleep that night. We will keep
on thinking of those images and of course
those images will lead to
physical
activities that are haram and prohibit. It. Not
only that, but it would lead us to
stay up all night doing nothing but fantasizing
about those images. Not only that, but it
will lead us to going to school
very sleepy and,
that would lead to lack of focus, lack
of, you know, retention of the knowledge and
so on and so forth. So I remember
that that was in the nineties where these
materials were barely accessible.
And when it is accessible on on these
materials like VHS tapes and whatnot, it's very
difficult to watch them because you'll have to
use your parents',
you know, lounge to and the TV. It
was very difficult,
yet we were disturbed.
Yet we were in that, that verge of
addiction.
Let alone those guys of 2024
who have access to
Internet devices on just a a mobile phone.
There are some people who told me that
I would be we would be on the
dining table
watching
these content with our parents. Our parents are
eating with us on the dining table and
they are watching inappropriate imagery on their phones.
So the accessibility
to these content made it absolutely devastating.
But what got me started is that boy
who wanted to kill himself. Because I want,
when I was 18, I thought that I
owned the world. I loved the dunya. I
loved being alive. And this guy wanted to
end up his life because of some imagery.
And we're talking about a time when you
were about his same age? Yes, I think
a little bit older because in 1990s
Who felt like the PAI of someone who
was about your age? Yes, 16,
17 onwards, we were all drowned into these,
warahidwila lifestyles, and and it it got into
us, yet it was less accessible than today.
This boy wanted to kill himself, so I
had that drive in my heart to help
him. So we worked together for 1 year,
Alhamdulillah.
And this one one thing that we want
to bring maybe towards the end of the
of the discussion is that there is hope.
So Alhamdulillah, this boy I worked with him
for a year and now he's part of
my team as one of my coaches, Alhamdulillah,
who's helping others now. You give life coaching
and obviously
you're giving lots of workshops about this from
the different schools internationally.
How have you seen this success
and what did did tell us about your
journey
in giving workshops to youngsters. What what stories
do you have? What is the success story?
I want you first to remember that I
started about 20 plus years ago talking about
this. I will. So
back in the days, it was very difficult
to even reach out to a masjid or
an Islamic center or an organization to even
allow me to speak about the topic. Mhmm.
In fact, in one of the countries, without
mentioning any names, I was told on the
stage to come down because somebody's gonna shoot
me if I
kept on talking about this topic. Wow.
5 years later, that's this same organization invited
me for a whole week
comprehensive workshop on the topic. The same organization
who
warned me. Why why did they invite you?
Because they realize the damage. They realized that
people are complaining now. Right. And it's a
Muslim country.
So people have the thought that these filth
come from the west. Yes, maybe the production
on the production level, yes. The west are
producing this filth mostly. Yeah. But the Muslims
are not immune from falling into these traps.
In fact, there are a lot of stats
that shows that Muslim countries are among the
highest in
trying to access the content. Not the highest
in accessing
the content, but due to VPN in many,
many Muslim countries, they block these sites, but
they have the intention to access. And now
with the,
technology of VPNs,
is as cheap as free today,
people can access in those countries as well.
So we cannot bury our heads in the
sand and pretend that, this is not happening.
In fact,
1 in 10
porn users
on the internet is under the age of
10, Sharbullah.
Under the age of 10? 1 in 10.
And how many people are there on the
internet according to statistics done by 1 filthy
website of that nature?
42,000,000,000
visits had occurred
on one single website of that nature in
the year 2019
alone.
42,000,000,000,
1 year,
1 pornographic website.
Let alone Allah alone knows how many people
that's one single website. They are boasting about
42,000,000,000 like, you know,
breaking record for them. Mahmoud Sheikh, what happens
is,
as we you know, we're both teachers for
a long time. I've been doing it for
about 20 years, and also in counseling myself.
So
we're working now on
a new curriculum called child safe curriculum.
And, I worked at a Muslim school.
And you are right, till today I see
parents,
some of them still
very hesitant, don't want to talk about it,
thinking that it's haram or something like that.
Even though the books of fuqah that we've
read, the ones I've read have more than
3,000
questions
revolving around this particular topic.
But the youngsters continue to come up to
us, even older people now, destroying their relationships,
their marriages, their career, their jobs, their self
esteem, themselves, and as you said Chaykh, even
in very extreme circumstances
as even self harm.
Do you feel that parents today still,
what advice can you give to parents at
the moment?
Wellahi brother, I remember my father, may Allah
have mercy on him, that old generation.
We used to also reach out to them
to speak about something, like related to anything,
like, we call it in the Middle East
Ayb, you know, like Ayb. It's shame to
speak about it.
So we grew up in those cultures that
we can't even talk to our parents about
such sensitive topic. But it seems that this
is even creeping into the western society as
well. Not only our community, even non Muslim
community also, they are
ashamed to speak about it and they are
they consider it taboo as well. Not not
just among the Muslims. So the advice is
that what worked with us as
generations
back in the days will not work with
our children today.
Mhmm. Life has changed, time has changed,
technology has changed, and as a result parenting
must change as well. So you have to
open that gap, you have to break the
gap, you have to cross the gap and
talk to your children. Open a conversation.
Allow any topic to be discussed in your
home.
Otherwise, you will not be able to know
what they are doing behind your back because
you are not allowing that
room for conversation. Mhmm.
There is a lady by the name of
Kristian Jensen who auth authored a book,
2 books actually under the same title,
and it's called Good Pictures,
Bad Pictures. Mhmm. That's why I was so
happy that you quoted that ayah in the
beginning about lowering the gaze. This lady is
a Christian, she is non Muslim, and she
was talking about the importance of lowering the
gaze. The importance of actually looking at imagery
that are
pleasing to Allah or to the creator because
any,
anytime you will open, you will stare at
that which is wrong, you will stare at
that, you know, this nudity and whatnot, it
will impact your brain in a manner that
you can't even fathom. And that's why it
is called super
normal stimulus.
This imagery on the Internet of that sort,
it's called super normal stimulus, meaning that it
makes the person live in that fantasy world
thinking that this is gonna happen when I
get married. So in the future, this is
what I'm gonna do with my wife. This
is the real thing. Failing to realize that
those films are scripted,
well planned, to hook you on them, to
to get into your pocket later on so
you can pay for the premium account. During
COVID, when we were locked behind doors,
this filthy website, they opened a premium account
for free for 1 month.
They knew everyone is locked behind doors. Here's
the premium account.
Watch longer films and whatnot.
And after that, I received tons of emails,
Sheikh Bilal, tons of emails. They said that
now we are paying for the first time
paying using our credit cards to to pay,
these websites. Credit cards. Wives who complain that
they have seen
the, you know, the
the credit card reports
and how much
her husband been spending on these websites.
So
this is the damage and,
this is just the the tip of the
iceberg.
We didn't speak yet, bro. It's quite concerning
when you said that,
now studies have shown that they're starting
as early as what, 8, 9 years old.
Yes.
Can you run us through the neurological
process? What happens to the brain? What happens
to the mind and the person?
That child who from 8, 9 years old
is looking at these images.
You explained that, you and I, we're from
the back end, we were born in, you
know, we're back in the eighties and,
it was almost like a big struggle, a
huge jihad in a wrong way to get
to these images. I do remember. Yes. It
was very hard to get to that. Brown
bag. The brown bag. We it's called the
the era of the brown bag. The era
of the brown bag. You put the stuff
to hide it. Now you don't need to
hide anything. It's all it's all on your
protected cell phones. There's this little
characteristic or this abbreviation experts are using triple
a, which means accessibility
Affordability.
Autonomy
and affordability. So no one knows who you
are. You can access it very easily. It's
very affordable. That's we didn't have that in
our time. I'm curious to know from your
experience,
a child growing up in this way, their
brain is developing.
Yeah.
And
they're growing up on this, seeing images on
average, what, a day?
For example,
by the time they're teenagers,
1,000?
Fully addicted. Weekly. Fully addicted. Yeah. Tell us
about what happens to the brain, Sheikh. Describe
this addiction, Sorous. Is it behavioral? Is it
physical? Okay. Please go ahead. So we we
need to define really addiction because we need
the viewers to understand the the the weight
of the topic that we're talking about. There
is a man by the name of Patrick
Carnes. He's known to be one among the
elite who spoke about
these these types of addictions, including sexual addictions
in the past in the in the 19
eighties. His name is Patrick Carnes. Mhmm. When
he was asked about what is addiction, he
said addiction is a brain disease.
Addiction. Any addiction, whether you're addicted to substance
or to behavior.
Any any addiction
which you feel compelled doing it despite any
negative consequences, this is already by definition is
addictive
is addiction. There was a study in Cambridge
University, and and the viewers, please, Yani, go
and verify all this information.
There was a study that was done in
Cambridge University. They scanned the brains of porn
addicts. No. They scanned it and they found
that the prefrontal cortex of the brain have
actually on the long run after,
consumption for for several years had shrunk
to over 4 plus inches of its actual
size physically. So we're talking about physical changes
in the brain as a result of addictions,
Leading to what? Lack of motivation,
lack of memory retention,
decision making ability. Mhmm. All this.
You know, lack of excitement about your own
interest,
you know, and of course lack of spirituality
because I receive a lot of emails where
brothers and sisters who say that as soon
as we say Allahuqbir Nasalah,
we see porn.
Mhmm. The flashbacks.
This is why now we understand the value
of.
Look at the connection that Allah made 1400
years ago. Tell to the believing men and
women to lower their gaze as a result
their private parts would be protected. Once you
stare, that's why the prophet said the stead,
lustful stare is an arrow from the arrows
of Shaytan. Sheikh, can
you talk a bit more about that part?
So lowering your gaze
to guard your private part. What does it
mean to guard the private? Because people often
say,
so long as I don't commit zina,
which is adultery or fornication,
I'm okay. The ayah is not talking to
me. Can you give us a brilliant question,
Shaykh Bilal, Barak Alafi. Because addiction escalates,
it does not remain at one level.
So what you're looking at now on screens
and you you you feel like, so excited
and so pleasurable and so on and so
forth.
In a year time, it's never gonna be
the same. So you will escalate the doses
by searching for more searching for more. Until
you reach to a point that you're no
longer satisfied with pornography. You wanted the real
thing now. Where are you going to go
if you're unmarried?
Where are you gonna go? You start visiting,
you know, sex workers,
prostitution houses.
Oh, really?
Yes. Do you think that's there are many
clients, Shaykhna,
who,
you know, couples in particular, the sister will
will start the conversation that we haven't had
any intimacy for the past 2, 3 years
because he's been, you know, going to these
places and he developed sexually transmitted diseases.
Because
it's very, very, you know, logical
thing to to
or or logical
conclusion to the behavior
is that if you stray away from the
halal,
and you desire the haram, Allah will take
the halal away from you.
And that's why lowering the gaze is one
of the most important tips
for recovery.
So Yani,
meaning if a person lowers their gaze, you
said that
it if they don't lower their gaze, it
eventually leads them to wanting the real thing,
whether married or non married because we always
think that marriage is the solution but apparently
it's not the solution. If you are addicted,
if you're addicted already, marriage is not the
solution. But marriage is a very, very helping
a helpful aid,
if the the partner knows about your your
your issue and can be like your your
accountability partner. Meaning, she she can monitor your
devices, monitor your behavior,
always be there to support you whenever you
need her and so on and so forth.
It can be a very very good aid.
So we encourage marriage really, but it's not
the solution to addiction. However, if you don't
stare at that which is haram,
growing up, you don't have anything to
to to act out, you know, you don't
have any fantasy in your brain to act
out in a haram manner. So it's pretentive
Let me play let me play the devil's
advocate here. I wanna I wanna be that
teenager
at the moment. Just the viewers know that
I'm not this is not about me. I
just wanna
talk like the way the students and the
young people
talk to me
in their twenties or or before that above.
So if I said to you, Shaykh, you
know, I've been looking at this stuff for
a very long time, I've never chatted a
girl, I've never
gone with another person.
We all know that even now women are
starting to
get this behavioral connection. Not
starting. They've been they've been into the same
the same life. They've been into the same
Some, but the percentage is different. Okay. So
we we talk about 65%,
70% men are more likely to be on
on these images Okay. As opposed to maybe
25 to 30%. Okay. So what happens if
a person does not fall into zina adultery,
he doesn't talk
to the opposite gender in a haram way,
what are the consequences of that? I mean,
I I call I call it an insidious,
pathway. Insidious means slowly, gradually becoming something bad.
And then what are the what are the
consequences, Thomas? The consequence, one of them. Yeah.
So these these people, I assume that they're
gonna get married later in the future, Insha'Allah.
Right? So there's something now in neuroscience know
about it called porn induced erectile dysfunction.
Yeah. Porn induced erectile dysfunction. Mhmm. You have
already grown up
conditioning your brain that sexual pleasure is attainable
only through screens, pixels, and imagery of that
nature, and of course, self pleasuring,
always associated with the actions. Right? So when
you condition your brain to attain that pleasure
through these these, you know, channels, when you
get the real life partner later on when
you get married,
your body, your physical body will not react
to sexual stimulus.
And you will have the halal, you will
have your wife, but you won't be able
to function sexually. In so many young
men, this has been a common go and
find,
Reboot Nation,
you know,
one one of the websites that are available
to help people. Great. Is is that the
website called Reebel? It's by non Muslim, but
they they actually developed
a whole forum within their platform for Muslims.
Uh-huh. Yes. Just for Muslims. It's yeah. It
belonged to a friend of mine from America
named Gabe Deem. He started this way because
he himself was also suffering from this same
issue, porn induced erectile dysfunction.
Go and find it. Millions of people are
discussing the same problem. Young as young as
18, 24,
25, they are discussing the problem of inability
of having
sexual intimacy with their partners, but when they
are on porn, they are okay to function.
They are fine with it. Why? Because the
brain has been conditioned.
And that leads to what, Sheikhna, frustration between
the partners because the wife also have needs.
Right? And that leads to, what, domestic violence,
and that leads to, what, divorce.
56%
of divorce cases
happened in the United States alone. We're talking
about just the United States. 56%
of divorce cases because 1 or both partners
were addicted to this behaviour.
So what else? What other consequences people
You know, I asked this in one of
my workshops.
Would you rather, and may Allah protect us
and safeguard
everyone, inshallah, but would you rather
be diagnosed with cancer
or diagnosed with porn induced erectile dysfunction? And
believe me You did this survey? Yes. Believe
me, the majority say I'd rather
have cancer
than being embarrassed in front of my wife.
And you know what? Also,
to back you up,
because we're both involved in counseling and relationship
counseling,
and we found that this is the last
topic
that they would talk about even though what
we call, as we call it the elephant
in the room. They both want to talk
about it but they're too ashamed. And it's
normally the underlying factor.
Or at least some statistics I read were
about 60% of the of the reasons.
But,
that's why I think again, it's so important
to address it,
SubhanAllah.
You know, Shaitna, before before the you move
to the next question, we mentioned about the
sisters who maybe are affected by the same
addiction.
There is also,
as we talked about the,
PIED,
the point induced erectile dysfunction. Yes. Women also
suffer from similar disease called anorgasmia.
Mhmm. The inability of reaching that pleasurable moment
with her husband
after marriage. Also as a result Yes. So
it's similar,
but, you know, it's it's it's like no
climax whatsoever
during during,
mental, you know, intimacy as a result of
the brain conditioning
Yeah. Due to this imaging. Mhmm. So you
see, so the damage is,
will not just affect the individual now. It's
not affecting you as a person now. It's
affecting also your partner. It's affecting your family,
your children.
Many people I get children as,
as, you know, they they will come at
the age of 30, for example. They say
when we were young, we saw our PNs
doing this.
We became addicted like them, and today they
are living a lifetime of addiction to this
imagery because they have seen their parents doing
the same thing. So we cannot really lie
to ourselves anymore. We have to just be
vulnerable,
honest,
and let's find a solution instead of just
burying our heads in the sand pretending that
our community is,
an angelic.
What are the warning signs from your experience,
both personal
as an individual?
How does a person know that they're getting
into
really dangerous areas now?
And for the parents as well, how can
they recognize warning signs
about their children?
The individual, we we're always talking about the
2 c's. The 2 c's. 1 is the
compulsion,
and 1 is,
continuing the activity despite negative consequences.
Mhmm.
So if you find yourself that you're compelled
going to these websites,
compelled meaning like you have something essential to
do, studies, work,
meetings, whatever else, but you find yourself putting
off all these things aside for the sake
of your pleasure, for the sake of watching
these content and pleasuring yourself. So if you
find yourself compelled doing that, this is number
one indication that you are already addicted, already
addicted,
and probably your brain is hardwired into that
addiction to leave something very essential for the
sake of something haram like that.
And to continue the activity despite negative consequences
knowing that
you're not going to achieve what you wanted
to achieve in life.
You
might maybe have been called before by your
wife and you promised her and a few
months later she was outside, she went to
the market, she went to her parents and
you find yourself alone. And you started getting
back again into your behavior knowing that she
might open the door and catch you again
in the act and that could lead to
divorce. Despite all these negative consequences,
you're still into the addictive behavior. I have
a person who actually attempted rape on a
school campus,
and he ended up in jail for one
and a half years. He disappeared from the
community. We tried to reach out to his
family members. We couldn't for one and a
half years and then he contacted me.
Where have you been? I asked him. Where
in the world have you been? He said,
I was in jail. Why for?
And he narrated the story.
What happened? I squeezed him hard. He said
he's been addicted to these types of pornography
on the Internet, the rape type. And that's
why there are countries who banned pornography
because they attributed to the, the contributing to
the,
rape culture. Nepal,
New Zealand has been doing excellent job in
raising awareness on a governmental level because they
have recognized the damage
that this, can bring to the society. Mhmm.
So when you find yourself compelled and you
when you find yourself continuing the activities
despite those negative consequences, then that's absolutely something
you need to pose, you need to be
honest with yourself, and you need to reach
out to someone who is expert, who knows
how to get you out of it because
there is no way an addicted person
can get rid of his behavior on his
own. Period. So if a person
finds themselves, for example, every night needing to,
take a turn or is it does it
become addictive when it starts to affect its
work? So I'm gonna ask you a question,
sir. Okay, Tommy. If I'm smoking 1 cigarette
every day for 5 years Yeah.
Am I addicted to nicotine
cigarettes or not?
For 5 years? Yeah. So 5 years straight,
every day, 1 cigarette.
Okay.
Will I be considered addicted to cigarettes?
I don't know. Okay. If I am addicted
for the same period of time, but I'm
smoking 1 pack a day, am I addicted
to cigarettes or not for 5 years straight?
Same
so. Both are addicted. Both are addictive. Yeah.
Because
because you've already been doing the same behavior
again and again despite knowing that cigarette kills,
that cigarettes are harmful, yet you go and
visit the same behavior for that so long.
It means that your brain already has developed
those pathways
that are producing those dopamines and other chemicals
asking you to repeat the activities. They have
already registered those those neurotransmitters
have already registered the activities in your brain
as something essential to be done again and
again repeatedly. We go to the bathroom every
morning. What do we do? We brush our
teeth. Mhmm. It's not addictive to brush your
teeth, but it's it's a habit. More of
a habit. It's a habit that was built
over the years. So you you already unconsciously
are brushing your teeth. You don't need to
plan for it. But a smoker, they plan.
Talk to me. You know, I I used
to. You used to be. We plan. Yeah.
We have a meal. The plan, the next
after the meal, you know what you're gonna
do. You end the meal by a cigarette.
But you drink *. Tea. Yes. The other
smoking, vaping,
drugs. This is more of a physical addiction,
isn't it? It's a substance addiction. Substance addiction.
We're talking about There is no difference. Dave
Sheik, I I can say to you, I
can stop anytime,
you know. I'm not really addicted.
Alhamdulillah. If you stop if you stop, I
will congratulate you. How can I know? So
the point is the point is
you you wanted to measure by the
the the the the time,
you know, between each relapse. So what I'm
saying is, and what the expert says is,
that if you've been visiting those harmful behaviors
in a period of time of over 5
years, you're already addicted. Mhmm. Whether the addiction
is deep
or a little bit. So, if I'm smoking
1 cigarette a day for 5 years, I'm
still addicted, but my level of addiction is
a little bit mild. Interesting. But if you're
drinking one one pack for both are addicted,
just the levels vary. So you need that's
why you need to speak to experts. Addiction
the addiction field is very complicated. Mhmm. You
have to deal with every individual
independently
without looking at the general
spectrum of the matter. You have to see
the underlying problem. Why he actually visited?
Why he, stumbled across these websites in the
first place? Sometimes it's a result of sexual
assault when when that person was young. And
as a result, he became very curious to
know more.
Sometimes,
you know,
depression,
anxiety leads to people who wanted to numb
that pain by visiting
things that are super excited to take them
away from that pain. So we need to
dig deeper to know why in the first
place a person visited these sites so that
we can do the necessary remedy. From your
experience,
what are the common reasons
that people end up
in pornography? Bad company.
So number 1 is bad Company. Yeah. Introducing
these things to each other. So they hear
So it starts at a very, very young
age. Mostly most most people who come to
me at the age of 40, 40 5,
even sometimes 50
addicted to this, they will tell me that
we've been addicted when we were 12. We
we start watching when we were 12. So
that's the common one. Because of their friends
introducing it to them all over the world.
They take it all to their lives and
they have this misconception
that when I get married I will quit.
When I get married, I would
failing to understand that addiction is in the
brain has nothing to do with your wife.
Right. So you would enjoy your wife
for a bit, but after that, the addiction
will kick in again, and this is where
the problems happen. They think that marriage will
solve it, but it's not going to solve
it because it's becoming more of an addiction.
So one is
bad company and that's why Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala in Suratul Kahf mentioned
about talking about good friends, good company.
That you don't let your eyes stray away
from them. Because a good friend by definition
is a person whom when you meet, he
reminds you of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Yeah.
You are. When you when you meet, he
reminds you of your obligation. So when you
stick with those good righteous company,
you most likely will be like them. That's
why the prophet said,
a person would be inclined to follow the
religion or the way of life of his
friend.
He gave like a warning, let every one
of you
watch out who are their friends.
Because show me your friends,
who your friends are,
it's just you. It's just a replica.
I had a case once where, someone had
become an addict.
And as you said, they went into dangerous
behaviors. They didn't just stop at
certain angle.
And what I discovered was that they had
some,
abuse when they were a child by That
that was the second thing I'm coming to.
So the first is best number. Is best
number. The second is, yeah, abuse of all
nature. And and by the way, in Australia
alone, the, child abuse case mostly come from
family members
or someone that they know very, very well
in the family. Yeah. That is true. And
and this this is just in Australia.
Australia wide. It has nothing to do with
Muslim, non Muslims in Australia.
What do you advise parents to do,
Sheikh? What general advice do you have so
that they Number 1 number 1,
don't ever allow your children to use their
internet devices in isolation.
You know? Like a new generation? Never in
bedrooms. Never. Never. This is a policy that
should even parents should should live by. Mhmm.
Like, hamdulillah, I developed with my family this
called devices parking lot. So before we sleep,
we just
park our devices near the kitchen, plug it
in, and see you tomorrow. No more. Number
2,
minimize the usage of Internet devices per day.
Mhmm. Don't let the kids
be be controlled by the devices, but rather
let them learn. This is this is teaching
them resilience to to be in control of
the material world, not not the other way
around. So 2, 3 hours a day, that's
sufficient for a child. And then the rest
do something beneficial. When are we gonna worship
a lion?
And if we kept on using the phone,
if the phone, it becomes like a third
hand for us. Mhmm. When are we gonna
pray? When are we gonna read the Quran,
memorize the Quran? People are complaining about memories
now. Like, I can't memorize the Quran.
My father is beating me up. My teacher
in the masjid beating me up because I
Why? Because the eyes are staring at something
more interesting.
TikTok is ruling the world today. Yeah. Yeah.
So this is number 3.
There are plenty of softwares and blockers in,
you know, other platforms on the Internet that
can actually do the job for you.
And if you don't mind me mentioning a
few things like in Australia, there's something called
Family Zone. Mhmm. A platform that can give
you a a modem that you can attach
to the existing modem in your home, and
it can block all these nonsense on its
own.
Not only that, but it has an app
associated with it that you as parents can
monitor your children behaviors and knowing what are
they actually doing on on the internet. It's
not a spying
app, but it gives you a report if
they stumble across that which is undesirable.
And you can from the back end, you
can block all these nudity, gambling, any anything
that you don't want, you can just block
and anything that they tried even to access,
you will receive a report. And this is
where
the opportunity will arise for you as a
parent to sit with your children and educate
them. There you are. So there are many
many
aspects parents can actually do.
And number 4, conversations.
Mhmm.
Start this on a daily basis. Sit with
them and talk.
Don't give them the phone because you wanted
to do something else so they become busy
on their in their own world. You have
to sit and talk what happened in the
school today. Did anyone touch you inappropriately? And,
open this and make it common because pornography
is common.
Let let the conversation about it be common
too. That's that's my strategy. I agree with
that. Unless we unless we normalize the conversations,
we would never be able to find solutions.
Although they'll hide things from their parents all
the time unless they're able to and I
think parents, do you agree that if they
share more of the comment of of the
interests of their children, whatever they're interested in,
take part in it. Have conversations
beyond just instructions, rules, school,
more on an emotional level together. Soccer
then go to soccer field, go go for
a walk, whatever they like. Yeah. Sharing interest
in those conversation,
There is the sunnah of Rasoolullah Saqq. Yes.
Sheikh, we've spoken about the importance and the
why it's happening and the warning signs and
the statistics. We all understand
the consequences now that there are,
psychological,
emotional and physical consequences.
And, SubhanAllah,
it's a problem
that leads on even into marriage. So marriage
is not the,
main solution if a person's already
addicted. So let's move on now
to solutions,
remedies,
devices,
healing.
Okay. Is there hope, Yeshaikh, for somebody who
works?
Allah told us already that there is hope.
Tell my servants who have transgressed,
you know, have crossed all limits against themselves,
despair not from the mercy of Allah, for
Allah forgive all sins.
Indeed, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is the most
forgiving, most merciful. So the hope will always
be there. Yes. No matter how hard your
addiction is, there is a solution.
Scientists, neuroscientists,
and the experts in the field who told
us that addiction is very hard to deal
with, they are the same people who said
that our brain is made of something called,
or or something similar to plastic that you
can mold. That's why the science behind it
called neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity.
Because you can actually mold your brain. You
can rewire it back to its original state.
It takes time.
It's not an easy overnight process.
It takes time, and it it's different from
one person to another, but it is doable.
You can bring your brain back to its
original shape. You can restrengthen the free, the
prefrontal cortex once more,
but that require a lot of strategy. So
we can mention in this for the sake
of the time we have
4 most important elements in recovery. The the
most essential for everyone. Mhmm. And you can't
live without them when you wanted to break
free from any addiction. They apply to everyone?
Bismarck. Old or young? Yes. Man or woman?
Anyone. Those are the essentials. Beyond that, there
are other tips and tricks that can be
added, depends on your own context and where
you live and do you live alone, are
you single, are you married, are you And
also for how long do you live now?
So that's why I said it's important to
reach out to experts because you can deal
with this issue with on your own. That
is true. And and the people who are
listening who are into this, they know what
I'm talking about. They know that they have
been trying
their best to quit on their own and
they failed miserably again and again.
So they know this. So you have to
now go beyond you and find someone who
can support you inshallah. But number 1 is
called environmental invasion. Mhmm. You have to design
your environment in a manner that is conducive
to
demand driven activities,
productivity,
things that would keep you busy. Like, when
you design
your bedroom, you design your bedroom for one
reason. What is that reason, Sheikh? Help me
out. Why do we have bedrooms?
To sleep. To sleep. But the bedrooms now
became the places for TikTok and YouTube and
Entertainment. And entertainment. So so that's why the
dining table time that I grew up with,
we used to
eat on a pallet with the family like
a round table called tablayan.
A pallet that would sit on the ground
and no one eats before parents arrived. Like,
if your father is working, no one would
eat lunch.
Today, the father is there, the mother is
there, everyone is there, we'll take a plate
and take take the food and there are
people who are addicted to gaming, Sheikhna. Gaming
is listed on the World Health Organization, by
the way, as mental disorder already.
Although pornography didn't make its way to the
DSM, the diagnostic and statistical manual used by
psychologists and psychiatrists in the states. We're talking
extreme gaming, isn't it, Sheikh? I mean, I
like to play Gaming for games. Children. Games.
Gaming for certain hours per day Okay. Alright.
For a certain
period over a couple of years will qualify
a person to suffer from mental disease as
a result of gaming. Yeah. I don't know.
This is how intense it is. Because it
it takes you away from reality, Sheikh. Mhmm.
Like, you you you you become disconnected from
the real life situation and it develops that
hate in your heart when you lose a
game. So
even on a topic we're talking about, it
seems like there's a connection. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Escaping the reality. So we we're talking about
addiction. So addiction
addiction any addiction follows the same pattern. Same
pattern. There is no any difference. The intensity
is what makes it different. So people are
more interested in drug addiction because drug can
physically kill you.
Neuroscientists say that porn addiction is more dangerous
than drug addictions because you cannot read the
symptoms in people who are addicted. You can't
say, oh, you're addicted. But a drug addict,
you can identify him. You can sense
that there are something happening, shivering,
you know, sweating,
stealing,
you know, getting sicker, black eyes, all these
you can you can see that there's something
going going on. But with porn addicts, what
are the symptoms? It can be in hijabi,
in a kabi, a bearded,
religious, non religious, anyone.
So the first one is change your environment.
You have to change your environment in a
manner that they only you know, I always
ask this question to my clients. If you
happen to be in the Kaaba by yourself
alone, forget about the 3,000,000, 4,000,000 people. You're
alone in front of the Kaaba. Will you
dare
opening
these filthy websites and pleasure yourself?
And
100% of the time,
not even a split of a second thinking
about the answer,
say no, impossible.
Why is that so?
Why is it when you are in front
of the Kaaba alone?
Nobody is watching you. Same like you're in
the bedroom alone.
What's the difference?
The holiness, the environment.
Of course, you'll not bring the Kaaba in
your home, but
do something similar.
Let the bedroom be only for
sleeping. For sleeping. So no devices should be
in the bedroom. Keep your device further away
from your bed. Put the alarm on for
distance. And inform people, like, even if you
don't wanna confess to your parents in the
beginning about your addiction, so you're still ashamed,
I understand the struggle.
At least tell them, look, it's affecting my
studies, affecting my sleep. I don't want you
to give me that phone in my bedroom.
You be a man. You be a woman.
There's really discipline
and Yes. For this, you can. So get
out of that denial stage that I can
do it on my own. Like, be be
be honest. You can't.
It's it's finished. It's it's done, dear, Allah.
So this is number 1. Number 2, structure
system. The prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, when
he went to Madinah,
the first thing he did, he built a
masjid.
That's the environment.
And this masjid was for not just salah.
Right, Sheikhullah? I think you can highlight that
even better. Yeah. The masjid is for all
community activities. To a point that he met
people complained about the distance between their homes
and the masjid. They say that, you know,
we're very far. We're living very far and
the masjid is, you know, can we pray
someone? He say for every step you take
to the masjid Allah Subhanahu Ta'ala is giving
you the reward and reward is multiplied by
10. Allahu Akbar. And salah in the masjid
is 27
degree higher than salah individually. You see,
system,
why we pray 5 times a day?
Why we have Ramadan, Allahu Akbar, the month
of training so that we can get out
of these addictive behaviors and all these bad
habits to restart our heart.
SubhanAllah. So have a system in life and
stick to it. Wallahi, my brother, when my
wife embraced Islam, we went to the Philippines.
And the first time her family members and
the friends and the neighbors saw her with
hijab, they start mocking her because they knew
who she was before Islam. They know how
she used to wear and so on. So
they start they start making those fun like,
oh, where is your camel now? You know,
why are you wearing a tent and so
on. My wife was so quiet, so quiet,
so quiet. When the environment when when the
people around her realized that she's dead serious
about her faith, guess what? They started helping
us practicing Islam.
Pork was made prohibited to enter that home.
All the statues of Mary and Jesus because
they were from a Catholic background
were actually taken away because of our feeling,
because
we wanted when we pray, we always go
out. They wanted also to provide an environment
that's helpful for us to pray. They used
to knock our doors and say, oh, we
find halal food for you.
So the bottom line is when you have
a system that is known to everyone that
this is who I am.
I don't care about the norm. I don't
care about the majority because Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala said,
Very
few among my servants are grateful. Will you
be among the majority or the minority now?
Mhmm. You will have to jump with the
minority because Allah praise them. So doesn't matter
what people are doing,
you be who you are. You are a
Muslim, and you are trying to please Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala to the best of your
ability.
So we said what, Sheikhna? We said environment.
We said structure and system, very strict system.
And,
number 3 Sorry, Sheikh. With structuring the system,
you mean,
so what make a plan for yourself, a
timetable,
create From minute from minute 1 when you
wake up Yeah. Until you sleep.
No idle moment. In Islam, we don't have
vacations. This dunya is meant for Allah
Even if you want to entertain yourself, you
have to entertain yourself in a manner that's
pleasing to Allah
Not to jump on movies and songs and
Yeah. You see? So even if you wanna
chill chill but in a halal manner. You
don't just chill anyway. Yeah. So a system
that can restrict you and close all avenues
that may lead to relapses. Take up a
hobby. Learn a new,
for example,
let's say
a new software, for example.
Learn when I say software, like, why don't
you go on the Internet and learn how
to make videos, for example?
I have I have friends who actually developed
my app, the Aware app, which is still
under development, but we are now working on,
an application to also send notification
to people to remind them of their goals
and so on and so forth. Stay working
on it. So whatever you wanted to learn,
whatever you wanted to do that is beneficial,
go for it, but fill your schedule. You
see, there That's fine. There's something very important
I maybe forgot to say. Isolation is number
one enemies to your sobriety.
Being alone is number 1. That's why shaitan
narrated
That Shaitan will always be with the individual,
and he's farther away from the 2. So
if you have 5 in your circle, if
you have 1. So this is another step
coming. So environment, structure your Day. Your life.
Yeah. Number 3 is ignoring the pain associated
with good actions.
Ignoring the pain associated with good actions. And
I always bring the, the example of athletes
here.
Those people who go to the training,
you know, in the gym,
you know, I like football, soccer.
So I I follow the those players and
sometimes I read the biographies to learn how
they maintain that mental fitness.
Like, you know, they are prevented from ice
cream, from their favorite food and all that.
Why? Because they have a goal. They want
it to be on the pitch. They don't
wanna be on the bench. So they they
go for 5, 6 days training for the
sake of 90 minutes match. So the training
is so intense and not enjoyable.
It's not enjoyable. It's painful.
It's hurtful.
But that's that's what it takes to get
you on the pitch and perform in Mhmm.
This is
So you need to ignore. Whenever you feel
like,
I'm bored now, I wanna do something. No.
No. No. Keep
pushing your limits. This is
a psychological tip, which is the hardest in
all the tips. You need to work. That's
why we said we need to work
with a a counselor or a coach to
help you develop that mental,
strong willpower to help you push your limits
and challenge. So you're talking about, let's say,
the 5 daily salat. Yeah. There's
pain involved in it in the sense that
you have to wake up. Yes.
Fajar. Fajar Masalem. Yeah. Are you saying
so
when you create a schedule for yourself and
you start to busy yourself with things that
are important and benefit you,
you're going to think about,
you know, the pain that's involved such as,
you're not going to sit entertaining yourself too
much or maybe you have to move around
and do things. Or even, Shaykhna, you're you're
about to wake up. You heard the adhan
for fajr, but you didn't sleep early. For
example, you slept at 2 or 3 AM
and you heard the adhan 2 hours later
I know. And you found yourself exhausted, tired,
almost blind. Yeah? You're on the bed. The
bed is so sweet. Mhmm.
Yeah? You ask yourself the question,
is what I'm about to do is important
or is it not? If the answer is
absolutely, it is essential,
do it anyway. As they say, yeah, in
the brand, do it anyway. Doesn't matter.
Tired, not tired. Headaches, not headaches.
Do it anyway if it is essential. This
is what it means by ignoring the pain
associated with studies. Studies, Sharna.
You and I until now, alhamdulillah, we sit
with books and we study and we try
to memorize concepts.
Is it fun? No. Of course not. Do
do we feel like dancing while we're not?
I don't wait for motivation. No. You're gonna
wait until you're motivated. You're not gonna do
it. So you have a vision. You have
something that I'm doing this because
this is my plan in in 2 days
time, in 3 days' time, in a year
time. It doesn't matter. We push our limits
because of the goal behind us. With the
goal. So ignoring any pain associated
with action. The final point, Shishna, which we
touch on is people.
Involve people. Now you can't as we said,
you can't quit on your own, so you
have to tell someone that you trust.
Do not tell someone on Facebook, on Twitter,
on those platforms. Tell someone in your midst
that you trust.
Someone who will
show empathy and sympathy to you and will
try to find a solution. Someone who will
become your partner. If you're married, if you're
a male married, tell your wife immediately. Don't
don't hesitate.
Most of the the the couples that came
to me, the sister is willing more than
willing to support the husband who is addicted
to this. If you are a sister addicted,
don't tell your husband immediately.
Oh, you don't tell him. Yeah. So you
know him better than me. So if you
know your husband who will not react in
an aggressive manner, go and tell him. You
know him. But most of the time, husbands
don't react well when they hear that their
wife is addicted to those things. So you
have to reach out to a sister in
the community,
a teacher in the community from the female
side to help you, and then a counselor
later on. But, don't immediately but you have
to tell someone. The bottom line is you
have to have someone in your
surrounding who knows about your problem to monitor
your behavior. You know, Shekhna, I visited a
drug addiction,
rehabilitation center in Hong Kong City, and they
took me to one of the toughest
ward
floor, the those who are addicted to hard
drugs and stuff. And I saw 1, I'll
never forget this. I saw someone handcuffed in
the bed from his feet and from
in the bed. Yeah. And I inquired. He
said he said because he he he's about
to take a dose
of the substance that he was addicted to.
Mhmm. Because in drug addictions, you can't just
quit cold turkey. Mhmm. He can die. The
the withdrawal symptoms can kill a person sometimes
if you're addicted to cocaine, heroin, these hard
drugs. So they actually inject you with little
bit of these same doses
to create just the same,
little bit of the same feeling until they
get you out of it I see. Gradually.
So he was actually handcuffed. And then I
read the book later on that says that
the only way
that will help people break free from addiction
is restrictions.
You can't be free anymore
for a period of time, for at least
a year. I say for a year,
be restricted.
Don't run after your desires
and Insha'Allah Ta'ala you will be you will
taste the blissful time of your life. You
will never
let go of that time when you feel
that you have the mental clarity back. Let
me ask you about that achievement back. Let
me ask you about that point, Asana. So
before we move on, just let's highlight the
4 areas. Number 1, just to summarize, you
said the environment.
Yeah. And when I said environmental invasion means
you you scan your environments and eliminate anything
that may lead you to
the same
trap again. Each person knows themself. It could
be maybe the night when they take their
phone with them,
change that environment, keep your phone somewhere else
for example. Secondly was structure in life. Structure
your life. And that structure must be known
to people so that they can also support
you in the process. Verocrolophic. And number 3?
Ignoring the pain associated with good actions. Any
good beneficial action, do it anyway. Even if
it is painful, even if it's annoying, it
doesn't matter. Do it. And number 4, people
who knows about your issues so they can
People who know about your issues. So that
that I always advise people to create religious
circle. Mhmm.
Sports circle. Yes. Intellectual circles. Uh-huh. Like,
outing circles. Like, you have to fill up
your days with
good company all the time so that you
never have a space for nonsense.
Interesting,
scenario. I'll just share it with you. So
one time we were in the class with
a colleague of mine, teaching about science and
religion,
and the students asked about
what we call in Arabic,
the private habit or addiction. And we all
know what we're talking about. Self pleasuring, yes.
Self pleasuring, let's just call it self
my colleague who has studied Fiqh jurisprudence in
in Nadine,
you'll find that there's a difference of opinion
on its ruling. Some say that it is
haram, others they say it is disliked, and
there is even another group, minority who say
Morbau has just absolutely nothing wrong with it.
No need to even
worry about this. And these are documented, these
are documented among the great jurists. So it
is true.
However,
what happened after that was,
the students, when they took that word from
the teacher, that
it is disliked,
Instead of thinking about self pleasuring as a
disliked habit,
they went to a further
understanding by saying,
mister so and so said that we are
allowed to watch pornography.
Yeah. You look at this. And we came
back and said, this is not what was
said. He did not say that. I said,
no, you said it's it's it's macro
to look at pornography. I said, no, no,
no. Talking about self pleasure.
So that interested me to sort of think
about this question now.
What are your thoughts, Sheikh, about that? So,
first of all, I have 3 videos that
were created as a result of 2 other
videos who were posted by respectful,
talking about this issue. So I responded in
a very
in the most polite manner that I could
because I look up to them, of course.
So I wanted the the viewers to actually
refer to these videos because I discussed the
damage of this self pleasuring
in in a greater length and I attached
even research about that from non Muslims, so
forget about that.
Now I I would never disagree or discuss
or debate anyone who is expert in the
fiqh
area of knowledge. That's not my area. Okay.
Yes? So I would respect that. I will
not even comment on it.
My question to those fuqaha
is that all the names that were
mentioned in those
debates or in those
are from the first three generations, like, you
know, from the Tabi'in, basically. Mhmm. So the
Tabi'in said this about
the self pleasure act. Mhmm. So all the
cults
that made the scholars today say that it's
Makru.
All the quotes are from this generation. When
when they didn't have technology in Who never
had access to the not forget about technology,
Sheikhna. Who had no access to our time.
Yeah. And in the entire time period, they
have not witnessed it. And I am asking
those if
these same that you quoted were living with
us today, will they have the same ruling
as makrut, this line? If they were to
say what we Okay. 2nd, if there is
already a research says that excessive
self pleasuring could lead to erectile dysfunction,
will we still take that opinion as macro?
And if if it is that damaging that
could actually end up
a the the the life of a person
not to get married, not to have children,
will that ruling still stand? Think about it.
Do do you think that excessive self pleasure
leads to Yes. It damaged certain nerves physically
now. We're not talking about difference of opinion
among the No. No. Medical scientists about this.
Yes. I agree. We we we are not
talking about the the mental aspect of it,
the porn induced. We're not talking about we're
talking about physically, you can injure your certain
nerves as a result of excessive muscle and
that could lead
to erectile dysfunction. I would not argue with
scientists who say that it's, sometimes it's,
some people even say that it prevent rape.
Yes. So, what I wanna say to make
it clear that if you find yourself at
the verge of
at the verge means, like, there's someone there
and you're about to commit that
then, yeah, go for it because
it's the, you know, the they call the
the lesser evil. I know. But but if
you are in the bedroom, in your bedroom,
you can go to the masjid. You will
not do it. You can go to a
coffee shop. You will not do it. You
know, he is. You can go to the
public, you can walk in the park. Why
are you saying that someone say it's Makroso,
you Allah Bismillah. Let's do it. Like, come
on. We have to just the 3rd
is that, there is another research that says
that
when you give yourself to self pleasuring for
a period of time, you become addicted to
it also. Like, that becomes addiction on its
own without the visuals.
And the last point is
99.99999%
goes to these visuals to Yeah. To attain
self pleasure. So so you can't just say
only this self pleasure is okay or but
visuals is haram
because both are very, very, very, very closely
related. Because we know the majority
of people who solve pleasure They go through
this discount. Without the monographic images and and
and so on. And that's probably what would
answer the question to the students saying, oh,
so and so said we can watch because
that's that's what they associate it with. That's
that's the big thing. You know, this is
similar to what Sheikhna back in the days
they used to say that,
music,
there are difference of opinions.
Right? Some people used to so music is
different. So long and they have 20 points,
like, what make music
halal or acceptable. Okay. 20 points. Like, the
the lyrics associated with the music should be
this, should be that. So I by the
way, I take that music completely hammered. I
take that opinion full Are you referring to
the book by, Sheikh Khaledovirah?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's that is
their Many scholars talked about it because I
Even if they say those 10 points, go
ahead, sir. But but I I researched that
topic because I came from that background. So
I was trying to halalize actually my my
music. And one person told me it's there
is nothing mentioned, you know, the it's okay.
It's it's it's just, you know, so long
as the words are okay,
then you can use music. And I took
that immediately, and I start saying that music
is halal, and I generalize it. Anything and
everything Because I wanted it. That's my desire.
Okay. Similarly, if you said it's okay there's
this,
yeah, yeah, well known person to say, you
don't even feel guilty about it.
And that's the worst part because if I
don't feel guilty about doing it, it means
that I will not even repent after doing
it. It means that I can do it
and go sleep and not even take a
bath to We're talking about what now? Feeling
guilty about what shift? We're talking about music.
Pleasuring. Okay. We went back to Soper now.
Yes. I'll just give the music as an
example. As an example. That if you don't
give a comprehensive answer to the problem,
you will end up misleading people like that.
Mhmm. So you you you don't just say
like it's okay. Do it and don't feel
even guilty about it. Then
pornography becomes also okay. It comes. Then after
after ejaculation,
you will also go and sleep and you
will not even bother to shower and go
for prayer because it's okay. Don't feel guilty
about it. You see? Yes. May Allah protect
us. Mhmm. SubhanAllah.
In science, in in neurology,
they say that what happens is that the
person,
experiences
that release of dopamine and other
neurotransmitting
neurohormones
and, they they
2 things happen.
The brain remembers
that pleasure
and then the brain also remembers
that in the future
you can come back to that place. Yes.
And those two memories stay in that person
and intensify to the point that they can't.
And by the way, dopamine is something that
is produced for our own benefits. Like, when
when we're intimate with our spouses, also dopamine
is released. Mhmm. But the difference is, SubhanAllah,
when you have a partner,
the impact is different on the brain. Even
some people say that, okay, self pleasuring is
haram. You say, okay, how about if the
wife sometimes self pleasure her husband, will that
be okay? Yeah, that's okay because the hormones
produced are different,
They're different hormones. When you have someone to
touch, someone to talk to, someone to communicate
with, someone to love,
then the hormones are positive
unlike when you are doing it solo.
Among the scholars, the advocates
of saying that it's completely haram,
allowed
it in intimacy, in hadal, between husband and
wife. The advocates of it, yeah. Very, very
interesting that, you know, we live in times
where you don't have a black and white
answer for things. You truly do have to
look at things from all angles, though, in
law. Jack, do you have cases and stories
where there was success? I have. Anyone? Without
mentioning names, of course. No. No. The one
who got me started is one of my
coaches today who's helping people in in the
west to quit pornography.
So, alhamdulillah, he started,
he started,
wanted to kill himself. He ended up saving
lives now, alhamdulillah.
I have a brother who, was,
afraid to get married.
And this brother, I had an interview with
him and it's posted on the internet under
a different name, but he's now known by
his name and he allowed me to mention
his name, his brother Hisham from the UK.
Uh-huh. And
he was addicted for a period of time
and we worked for too long and he
was not he was dead Yani, against marriage
because he wanted to clean up himself from
addiction first. And after he got married, after
I convinced him to get married,
Alhamdulillah, his wife joined Dawah Academy. She became
a coach, certified coach as well. And, Alhamdulillah,
they have 3 kids now and he's free
from the shackle of addiction. And he's, again,
helping people in the UK. Sheikh, something occurred
to me when you mentioned marriage. And because
in the beginning, we mentioned I I think
some young people
might get afraid of getting married if they're
already
addicted or they have that behavior.
So what's your advice?
So let's say for example, if they're self
pleasuring and it's become an addiction,
how can they stop?
And how long do you think it will
take for them to start to wean off
that behaviour?
Number 2,
if they do have that addiction, do you
advise them to get married or wait?
Tell me. So some people, they will it
made me afraid of the erectile
dysfunction. So I will tell them,
go and first check with a physician,
with a doctor Okay. Whether you have some
physical problem.
If there is no physical issues and you
are worried about erectile dysfunction, it means it's
a mental mental blockage.
So can I marry in that state? Yes.
You can. Provided that you inform your future,
your fiance,
about your addictive behavior and that you want
her to be in his life in your
life as a an accountability partner, someone to
aid you, to help you, to get out
of this so that you both inshallah end
up in Jannah together with that with that
tiyani intention.
So this is what I tell, the youngsters.
Yeah. Seek marriage. And I tell parents too
to help their children to get married as
early as possible
after understanding, of course, the roles, the responsibilities,
the rights of husbands and wives and whatnot.
Not just made them young and what and
that's it. No.
Teach them. That's your your your role, but
get them married because marriage became so difficult,
so expensive, and where else will they actually
release those desires?
That's why zen has become prevalent among our
society as well because there is no any
other avenue to release their desires.
So, so I tell those young people, yes.
Check yourself physically first. See if there is
anything that has damage as a result of
self pleasuring and and those imagery and so
on. If everything is fine,
yes, seek a righteous spouse.
And, the the best part to start is
to tell your future wife that you have
an addiction. So that you can see if
she's willing to continue or not because she
has a right to know. In my opinion,
if you lied to her, if you didn't
actually convey to her the fact that this
can impact
your marriage life later on, then I think
by Sharia you can be questioned.
Why you didn't tell her that she has
a right to continue with you as as
you are or to say no, I can't.
So give her that that option.
And in most cases that I interacted with
Shaykhna, all the sisters were ready to fight
that case. Where it is?
The majority. Some say no.
Also, in the after after the
after marriage, if the wife discovered or find
out that her husband is addicted, 90% of
the time, the sisters will
forgive and let go and fight that plague
with her husband. Majority.
I found the same responses,
also in trying to help others.
Is there a time limit? Let's say somebody
is addicted to this,
6 months, 1 year, should they abstain? I
mean, their website's called NoFab, but I think
is that what it's called? NoFab.
NoFab. NoFab. NoFab. NoFab. Means no porn, no
ma no self pleasuring. Okay. Cold turkey. So
you you advise them to go cold turkey,
not to wean themselves off slowly? Yes. I
mean, we can take a little bit of
haram every now and then. We can't. You
can't. Islam is like this. Islam, can I
go and take a little bit of sip
of wine or alcohol or But a young
person or any person's dictum may say to
you, I can't completely go cold turkey, I'm
not able to do that, you're just losing
yourself?
We said addictions varies,
so it's not cocaine. If you go to
a rehabilitation center asking them, you say, I'm
a porn addict and I need to be
handcuffed, and they said,
go play in the streets. Yeah. No. Don't
bother us. So you can go cold turkey.
It will bother you. There are withdrawal symptoms.
You will feel even sometimes pain in your
stomach. So there'll be relapses. Yeah. There will
be relapses. Relapses are expected. But don't intentionally
relapse. If you find it like it's hard
and you you you violate your own rules,
then blame no one but yourself. But the
the bottom line, yes. Take the intention of
cold turkey
quitting and
once you put the environment in place, the
structure, the people around you, they tighten all
the avenues that may lead you to relapses.
Wallahi, I have seen many people coming within
4 months
free from addiction.
Within 4 months. That doesn't mean that they
are free from the addiction in the brain.
Meaning, for 4 months, after 4 months, they
were good good to go on their own.
They could control themselves if they were able
to. But I say I say,
I I tell my clients congratulations after 1
year of no
porn and no loss. You think about 1
year for graduation? Yeah. I think minimum. Minimum.
I always tell them whatever works for you,
always identify
the tips that you have applied,
which work well for you
and take take these tips to the grave.
Mhmm. Don't don't relax them. I have in
my book Beat It. You you actually said
best it. Maybe I missed it. Beat It.
I missed
it. It's called Beat It 50 plus Shades
of Hope. Maybe I misspelled it. Well, they
are the best 50, I believe.
So Beat It. Right? So I mentioned,
I warn people from the little bit trap.
Yeah. The little bit means Khalaas, I'm now
3 months sober.
I can watch a little bit of, this
and that and
and this can take you back to square
1. Mister Zwa'al, you've mentioned 2 success stories.
I feel I don't want to the young
people or anybody who's watching this to feel
overwhelmed. So let's talk about success stories to
give them greater hope insha'Allah.
There is a success story about productivity and
how productivity can actually fill your day, fill
your life
with good actions, good outcome that will slowly
slowly make this this addiction fade away from
your life. So there was a client who
are who is interested in business And because
of his addiction, actually, he became occupied with
consumption to porn and so on, and that
affected his business so bad to a point
that, he lost actually his job and he
was fired. But later on, to make it
right, he started
an entrepreneurship,
you know, project online,
to teach people how to do business. So
he recorded a course. He stood up in
front of a camera like this. He recorded
a course, he uploaded
it, and, and the course was sold 2,002,000
people enrolled in that course in about 2
or 3 weeks season. So he saw the
money coming in.
He liked the idea. He start using his
time from the morning till the evening, recorded
courses, applaud uploading them because he have that
business mentality. And then he contacted me
because he he failed when he failed with
me as a coach during this process. Khallas,
he disappeared. I don't know where he go.
He he relapsed many many times and he
couldn't cope.
But after a while he contacted me and
said, Sheikh, I wanna give you a tip
that you can tell the people. Okay?
So what is this? He said I quit.
I quit pronged completely. He said what? You
said through productivity, pure productivity.
What do you mean? He said I wake
up in the morning,
I design a course about the areas that
I like, about entrepreneurship, business, and all that.
I record the video. I upload the video.
I sell the video. That's all what I
do, and I earn to a point that
he has a company now, and he's I
visited that company, by the way. Should I
mention the country or no? No need. No
need. Okay. Up to you, Shafar. No need.
No need. I visit his company. He designed
his office
in the middle of all employees' office,
and it's all surrounded with glass. So everyone
from all direction
can actually see the boss, the manager of
this company.
And I I said this this very unique
office. He said because I don't want to
be alone anymore.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I
don't want to give any slight chance for
any for shaitan or for myself to be
alone by myself. And that reminded me of
the dua of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam, a'udu becoming sharri
and fsee.
I seek protection, you Allah, from the evil
consequences of my own actions.
So this is another success story that this
and this tip is told to me by
my clients. Like this guy came to me
teaching me,
Tell them to be productive. Tell them to
be away from isolation. I have been sober.
He said that when he called, he said
that I've been sober for 3 years now.
Not a single time I accessed, alhamdulillah. It's
interesting to show that a person is stronger
than what they think. Very determined. It does
require determination and commitment. As Rasulullah
said,
seek Allah's help and do not become incapacitated.
Don't paralyze yourselves. You do have the ability
to And this same brother, he visited he
invited me home. I went, I met I
met his family and I saw a big
frame.
You know what it says? A big frame
on What does it say? Alone no more.
Alone.
And he have policies that follow us. Himself.
Yes. All of us.
All his family members sleep at the same
time.
Go to bed at the same time, eat
at the same time. No one be alone
at any at any given moment. That's his
policy in life now. That's a task nowadays.
Children don't really
obey us much
and fight with you all the time, especially
as they get older. They try our best.
That's parents probably. You need you need to
sort it out. You need to get them,
you know, to sit down. You know, I
I wrote a contract with my children regarding
devices usage. Can you imagine that? And I
actually advise
if people can reach out to me, I
can give them that contract. It's one site
for children, one site for the parents.
We agree on phone usage. We agree that
if my father is using the phone and
a child coming my child come and say,
Baba, I wanna talk to you and say,
wait, wait, I have something urgent. No. We
have to learn to put the phone down.
We have to write that down. Yeah. That
when when I come to see I'd like
a copy of that myself. Why I would
I would share to those whoever inshallah get
in touch, I would share the contract. And
wallahi, this contract
was my saviour
in terms of parenting
about technology? Because we agreed before doing anything.
What do you think?
And I discovered the talents of my kids,
Shaykhna.
The thing about it is that you also
put it on yourself too. So it's not
just you, both of us. Yes. We don't
we don't take the phones to bed. Yeah.
Wallahi Shaykhna,
the, the talents that I discovered I discovered
that my child was a good soccer player,
my son. I discovered that my daughter is
a painter.
She started even
selling selling her painting on shoes. She will
buy plain shoes. She will paint. She will
post on the Internet and earn money. You
discovered this after the agreement you made with
them. Why? Because we minimize the usage of
this shaitan. Yeah. And all the skills and
the beauty came out. Yes. When we minimize
it, you have 1 hour or 30 minutes
during weekend. 30 minute during week weekends about
1 hour or 2 hours. Weekdays only 30
minutes. So they have plenty of time to
occupy. What what else we're gonna do? So
we start discovering their time. So
may Allah may Allah give us the right
understanding. We say that children don't always obey
us, us, but they may but they never
fail to imitate us. So that's why it
also applies to us as well. Yes. Alhamdulillah.
What's another success story, Sheikh? This is Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Remember. The couples went through
difficulties,
and,
they were at the verge of divorce, and
then they came to me as a last
resort.
And, this brother was,
involved not only in in online
activities of that sort. It went beyond that
for so many, many years. And the sister
would forgive
many, many times.
And they came to me and I I
put them into a system of 12 week
sessions.
And,
part of this session was that,
the brother must surrender all his passwords, all
his freedom to the sister if he wanted
to continue in marriage.
And within 3 weeks, I received a call
from the sister,
thanking me. She said that I've never
ever seen my husband treating me this way.
So gentle,
so sweet,
opening conversations,
initiating
intimacy.
Before, he would never initiate because he's drowned
into this addiction. Despite the difficulties of him
even performing at some time because of this
induced Iqtaal dysfunction,
he would attempt to try, and I would
never look at him and tell him what's
wrong with you anymore. We became very, very,
cooperating.
2 years later, Alhamdulillah Abalameen, they have twins.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala blessed them with twins.
And this is what I wanted to mention
that when you leave the haram
and fight hard
to leave that lifestyle, Allah bless you even
more.
And the cases of those who have, alhamdulillah,
got out of their addictions plenty. Like we
have a survey we send to people that
we work with. I have a program called
the critical alignment model
where
these 4 tips are
tailor made.
So what I mentioned
in the program is just the brief aspect
of it. But when we talk to people,
we try to know their context so that
we can tailor made the environment and the
structure for them insha Allah.
What advice do you give to the imams
and community leaders for example in this area?
What's their role?
Look,
my brother I I developed a whole workshop
for Imams.
Yeah. A whole workshop for Imams because I
know that people always look up to the
imams and they go and ask them, you
know, I have a problem. I have this.
What to do? What to do? They look
up to the imam as knowledgeable source
to help them with their struggles and so
on. So I know that many imams have
heard this before. I've heard that someone is
addicted or someone is struggling with this.
So unless you know more about the topic,
you will not be able to offer the
help. These people don't want to hear it's
haram. They already know it's haram. Right?
Of course, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't
say it's haram anymore. What I mean is
that's not the solution. Everyone knows it's haram.
The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, a man came
to him and he told me, Rassoulullah, allow
me to commit zina. The prophet didn't say,
don't you know it's haram? Yeah. Astaghfirullah how
dare you? Yeah. He said, do you want
this to happen to your mom, to your
daughter and so on? And then when the
man say, no no no no no, he
said other people too don't like this to
happen to their family members. And then the
prophet placed his hand
over the man's heart, and he said, yeah,
Allah, take away the love of harm from
his heart, purify his heart and purify his
private part and so on and so forth.
So we need to be acquainted with the
with the subject, not just to touch on
it sometimes on the, and that's about it.
Because sometimes
with
good intentions,
sometimes we mislead people. Mhmm. Sometimes if you
don't have the depth
of knowledge about this, you will end up
misleading people. So I really advise the Imams
to, InshaAllah,
look into this and address it on the
pulpit. There's nothing haram about addressing a prevalent
topic
as this on on on the pulpit. We
can't afford any more to afford it. Yeah.
And if the person can't afford to afford
it. Yeah. And, Sheikhna, who narrated this story
that I just mentioned about the man asking
the prophet to commit zinnam? Sahih. Who who
narrated it? The companions who witnessed that. No.
We can see. Yeah. So the prophet actually
was genius in this, in in creating a
very, very helpful
environment that allows everyone to be themselves. He
welcomed him he welcomed him to talk about
it as you said, and the people who
were around him thought this is disrespectful. Rasool
Allah welcomed it. Just address it. Get out
of it. It. And final thing, Sheikhna, if
you don't mind.
To those brothers and sisters who are addicted
to this evil,
it's better for you to die fighting
your addiction
than giving up giving up on Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala. Die fighting.
Barakkullu. You know, they said, Allahibra lai said
bimanth sabak. Alaibra bimanthabat. Bimanthabat.
So
the matter will be determined by Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala with Ajahn now, not because we
have started practicing Islam first before others, but
rather by our level of steadfastness and
consistency and fighting those evils. It's better to
die
going to Jannah
than taking,
a u-turn and going to
Any final words you would like to say
other than that, or we can conclude with
the dua? No. I just wanted to
tell my brothers and sisters who are watching
that, yes. I know the content sometimes
seems heavy on some people's heart, but we
have to face the reality and say it
as it is. Otherwise, we we'll never find
solution to it. So may Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala protect us. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
cleanse our hearts from any vices of that
nature. May
Allah save our brothers and sisters who are
addicted so that
we succeed as an umma because we can't
become
we can't revive. We can't revive this nation
with bunch of addicts. We need we need
to be better, do better. We need to
free Palestine. May
Allah protect our brothers and sisters in Palestine
and Gaza. Yeah. May Allah grant them victory,
have mercy upon their shuhada. May Allah
bring back al Masjid Al Aqsa to the
hands of those who deserve it. Ameen Abilah.
Ameen. And that will happen by Muslims who
are committed to the deen and fighting these
vices to the best of their ability.
Thank you everyone for joining
us in this
crucially
important topic which definitely
is overdue to talk about and I think
this discussion has benefited or will benefit a
lot of people out there. I am very
certain of it. May Allah strengthen
to support you in this amazing work.
to support you in this amazing work.