The Muslim Family #33 – Golden Principles for Raising Children

What are kulu filco Ronnie nyjah he

to for who will carry mouza lu wa colocar La la la de la Lu well Mustafa al de

leeuw Alhamdulillah Nairobi alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Abdullah he was sorely Urbino Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi edge mine assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. We begin with the praise of a lion We ask Allah to exhort the mention of grand peace to our messenger Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, to his family and his companions. We're still talking about this topic of tarbiyah as it relates to our children and what I would like to talk about now are some ahaadeeth that we can extract from them and if we can extract for them from them principles in tarbiyah and I'm going to ask everyone watching this video at home to help me out with this in sha Allah to Allah

and to try inshallah to each time we mentioned an evidence we mentioned ayah we mentioned a hadith. I want you to have a think about it and try and have a think about what are the principles or the the things essential things we can take in terms of how we raise, nurture and prepare our children so principles as it relates to topia. The first is the hadith of Anasazi Allahu Allah Allahu Allah, that he said, Hi them to Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he was in need from alcohol and he often caught what are called Kylie Rishi in sanera. To who Lima Surat while lishi in Iraq to who Lima Dr. Al Hadith that is narrated in Bukhari, and Muslim from the hadith of Anissa rhodiola. And

that he said, I served the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam for 10 years.

And he never said to me off, not even once. And off is the smallest expression of displeasure that a person can short.

The smallest thing it's like a tut. Lick when you say

like that you talk to someone. It's the smallest expression of displeasure. The Prophet sighs and never said to me off even once and he never said to me when I did something, why did you do this? nor did he say to me when I didn't do something? Why did you leave this?

Okay, this is our first little mini test. Have a pause of the video have a chat if you've got people watching this with you at home and discuss with one another? How do you think what what are the sword that what's the hustle or the principle or the card we can take from this hadith

inshallah Tada. So inshallah Allah, you had to think about that, the principle that I think you can take, and there's more than one way of wording it. But here we need to distinguish between two things, we need to distinguish between matters of the religion.

And in matters of the religion, you need to be firm with your children. And you need to make sure that they are clear about what the limits are in that regard. But here when it comes to personal matters,

when it comes to personal matters, don't be hard on your children. For matters that are not matters of the deen, ie they are not matters of the Hillel and the harm. They're not matters where the child is falling into a harm, but then matters which are personal matters. You know, maybe they they chose something or they decided to do something, they made a decision. And it's not a matter of power. It's a personal matter, something you asked them to do. You said, Bring me one of bring me something, bring me some food from the kitchen surprise me. And they brought the wrong kind or they brought something you don't like. It's not a matter of how long in these matters that are not

matters of harm. Don't be hired upon your kids.

Don't say to them, or try not to say to them, why did you do this for? Why didn't you do this for?

if, you know, why is this you know when you get angry with your kids about things that don't are not important in the sight of Allah. The prophets I used to get angry when it was a matter of the rules and religion, the rules of the religion, the rules and the laws of our lives, which I used to get angry.

And he would express his anger and his displeasure. We've already heard the Hadeeth of eyeshadow, the alarm and how when the prophet SAW Selim saw there was some horses with wings. And he had made had a curtain and it had horses with wings, the images of horses with wings on it, and the prophets I said became angry, and he ripped it down. And you see from this upon a law, that it's appropriate to show your displeasure to set the limits when it comes to the religion when it comes to matters of taste and preference. And when

It comes to choices your kids make that didn't fall into the hot arm. Don't go hard on Don't be hard on them. And don't say them. Why did you do this? And why didn't you do that? This is from the excellent etiquettes of the Prophet size and that he had with Anasazi alone, despite the fact and we're going to hear this in other ahaadeeth that Anna's didn't always do the prophets eyes and told him to do what the prophet slicin would have wanted him to do. He was a young boy, sometimes he didn't get things exactly right. Sometimes your children might not get things, right. But if it doesn't fall into the matters of the heart, arm, and it's not from the things that make a lot angry,

then don't make it a big deal. Don't make a big fuss out of it. Don't say, you know, bad words towards them, and don't criticize them. And second guess them in matters that aren't related to the religion. As for the matters of the religion here deserves for you to be firm, for you to set the limits for you to be clear about what's allowed and what's not allowed for so many times in their life, your children are going to make decisions, things they want for themselves, they want to buy for themselves, or they want to do for themselves. Don't be hard on your kids when it comes to matters that don't relate to the halal and haram. And I guess what this hadith really tells us is it

talks to us about two things, which I think are vital. Number one, that when you're doing when you are giving tarbiyah to your kids, when you're nurturing your kids and educating them, that you do so with the best of manners, because look at what stuck with Anna's subpanel It wasn't just the words the prophets itemset. It's even the words he didn't see as much as what he said. He never ever raised his voice to me.

He never said to me off. He never said to me why this why not that

suppiler when it was the matters of the religion, the process and took it seriously. So the first is the excellent manners when educating your kids. The second principle is an older yet having levels of importance. Some things are important. Some things are less important. We talked about this in the husband with his wife, if you pull your wife up for every little thing, you're going to end up divorcing if you pull it up for every little small thing that you don't like. So the kids same you can't you know, you can't pull your kids out for every small thing you don't like, save your displeasure for what's displeasing to Allah subhanaw taala and don't worry about the things of

preference and choice. Generally speaking, don't give your kids a hard time in those in those particular issues. So that's our first principle. Our second Hadeeth we have is a Heidi though Abby mama from his own statement. I mean, this is not any or it is better or more authentic as a statement of Abby or mama or the law. That he said, had people law her in a birdie. He said, make the servants of Allah love Allah.

Make a law beloved to his servants, make a law Beloved, to his servants. Have a think if you've got more than one person watching this video at home, have a chat to the people around you discuss it, come together and see if you can take a principle from this. Make Allah beloved to his servants.

So inshallah you had to think about that I take from this is in the total beer that you give your children, especially as it relates to Islam, make your children love Islam. Don't make your children run away from Islam don't make something Islam, something burdensome for them, and something hard, and something that they run away from. And you can take this also from the statement of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Yes, the rule will lead to assume whether she will act on a few make things easy for people and don't make it difficult for people.

And make give people glad tidings make people feel good and don't make them run away. Now, that doesn't mean that we compromise on our religion. It doesn't mean that we

we compromise in a way where we we take away some of the things that are haram and we kind of, you know, ignore them and let our kids do them because then they'll come to love Allah. But we want our children to love Islam, to love the Quran to love studying Islam and learning about Islam. And we don't want to make our children hate Islam.

And that's what we can take from the statement of Abu mama or the alarm and had people love it buddy, make a law beloved to his servants. I give an example of that, when it comes to the re citation of the Quran. And reading the Quran. Some parents are really really,

you know, sometimes really strict with their kids in this and they might send their children to a teacher they don't like and the teacher is teaching them in a really harsh and rough way. And the kid ends up leaving there with a feeling that they don't like reading the Quran. And now their whole life that feeling goes with them. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be strict with your children in teaching them the Quran because to be honest, that does something beloved

That's something praiseworthy and beautiful for someone to be strict with their children in terms of making sure they're sticking to their memorization, and they take it seriously. But if it reaches the stage where your children start to hate reading the Quran, and they start to hate going to the masjid, or they start to hate studying Islam, then really, as a parent, there's something wrong with that tarbiyah you should make your children love Allah, make your children love Islam, make Islam the most exciting and the most interesting thing. And one of the things we can take in this is rewarding your children, rewarding your children in relation to Islam, making Islam exciting and

rewardable. So often we reward our children as it relates to the worldly life, you pass your exams, you get a party or award, you know, you get, you know, to buy something and get some money. When it comes to Islam. It's like we make it better for them, and hard for them. But instead, you should reward your children for Islam, make them enjoy it. And I know there is an issue of the class which we have to develop in our children. And we don't want them to be living off of rewards in the sense where they don't feel like they need to do anything for Allah because they just want if you're going to reward me, I'm going to do it. But in the beginning when they young, make them love Allah make

them love Islam, and from this is even celebrating the yacht the days of eight, eight or fifth or an eight on alcohol and making a big deal of it. And really making the children enjoy and love it. So the children learn to love Islam and love Allah azza wa jal

make a law beloved to his servants. And I feel this is something many parents out of, maybe out of a love for their children, they go wrong in this, they weren't good for them. So they're strict and they're tough and they push them, but sometimes they push them to the state where they they start to to, they stop having that love for Islam, and that love for Allah subhanaw taala. So when you see that you need to adjust your tarbiyah Yes, there's got to be some strictness in there, there's got to be some stubbornness in there. But you have to adjust it to the level where you still see you're gonna have that love and that desire for learning Islam, and that love of Allah and that love of

Islam.

Our next evidence we can take from an iron sortly for Pon Eliza, which is said

when levena yaku Luna robina hablan I mean, as well as you know what reality now kurata ion, which is a little more tokina Mmm.

Those who say, Our Lord, give for us, from our wives and our children, those who are a pleasure to our eyes, and make us for the motor clean and EMA makers imagines examples for the doctor clean for the people of taqwa. So again, if you've got people watching this video with you, have a chat have a discussion, try and come up with where you think this is, where do you think this ayah fits into the principles of tarbiyah? I just wanted to do I want to principle of total pa here. And if you're by yourself, then have a think jot down some ideas, pause the video, and inshallah we'll give you the answer after that.

So inshallah Allah, you had to think about it. Here, I believe that the reason I bought this iron is for the last part, which I nearly tokina Mmm, in every aspect of tarbiyah, the parent should be an example for their children.

And it's so sad to see that many times. And it's wrong, I believe it's from it's from the goodness that the parent wants good for their child. But sometimes Apollo, the parent wants good for their child, and they don't want it for themselves. And they sort of encourage their children to do good, but they don't encourage themselves. Now, we're not going to say in that situation, that the parent should stop doing good. You know, stop doing good. Stop telling your children to do good. That's not what we mean. But what we do say is that as a parent, you want to be an example for your children. And that is one of the greatest means of therapy. One of the In fact, it could even be considered to

be one of the most fundamental parts of therapy is that you as a parent have to be an example for your child. You can't be telling your child, Aki masala, what motivated maruf, one heini Moncure warspear LML sadhak perform the prayer and order that which is good and forbid that which is evil and be patient over what happens to you. If you yourself, don't do those things. Now, don't get me wrong, are you telling your children and not doing it is still better than you not doing it and being silent. That's the worst situation. The worst situation is you do nothing and don't tell anyone to do anything either. But at least it's a little bit better that you tell them but you're

not doing it yourself. But unless you are an example to your children and for your children, then ultimately that tarbiyah is not going to be achieved in the way that you want it. And you might think that looks like a mountain that is very hard to climb. How am I going to be an example for my children.

How am I going to start doing these things? I'm not doing these right now. Learn with your kids. Be honest with your kids, sit down with your children and talk to them and say to them, Look, I know I'm not really doing what I should be doing right now. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna ask you to help me out, we're gonna learn together. And so Paula, you start, and maybe you miss a day you lose a day you forget something, you fall into something. But you keep going back to your children, you're being honest. And one of the most one of the greatest things we can instill in our children is honesty and truthfulness as an example from ourselves and to them.

So you try to be an example for your kids, you sit down with your kids and say, Look, I know I'm not doing exactly what I should be doing right now. But I'm going to try and we're going to learn together. And if it's about learning Islam, learn together, go to classes with your kids together. And so Paula, you might see that your children learn benefits that you didn't learn, and they take on knowledge that you weren't able to take on because their mind is more suited to it. And their abilities are greater to absorb that information. And there's no harm in you learning them from them. Didn't Ibrahim see to his father? Yeah, Betty, in Nicaragua and in Manila, in Mamma mia Tikka

Tabby, Ernie Attica, seal Alton Sofia,

all my father that has come to me knowledge that has not come to you. So follow me. And I will guide you to a straight path so that we can learn from our children. There's nothing wrong with that if our children have learned, come together and learn together as a family. And this is one of the goals that we have behind this course. And all of the courses that we were providing via and madrasa to America and particularly the EU at home initiative, just to get the families together, learning together. And then upon law school, you will see parents become that example of taqwa. As for the parents being an example, this has to happen. You can't get out of it. You are an example to your

children. Whatever you do, your children going to pick up on your habits, your things, the things you say the things you do, use no escape from that. But here we want to be an example of taqwa not an example of evil or an example of sinfulness or an example of disobedience. But an example of taqwa. As for you being an example, you can't escape that every child takes their parents as an example. Even the children, the teenagers, when they start getting a bit boisterous and a little bit, you know, they say that i don't know i don't want to be like my dad, or I don't want to be like my mom, or they try to rebel a little bit, but will lie they still take their parents as an example.

They take their parents as an example. So be an example for taqwa. In example, for taqwa Don't be an example for for something bad or something wrong. Our next Heidi that we have is Heidi from American shravan ib and JD, what are the Allahu tada and who Allah? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said mu A Willa there can be sala wahome Urbana, who said Barry seanie wobbly boo Houma la Urbana, we're actually seen him with Federico baina whom filma Barger

amor even schreib narrated from his father from his father's grandfather, who's Abdullah and our imminent are sort of the alarm and Homer command your children to pray when they are at seven years of age, and hit them in order to for them to pray when they are 10 years of age, and separate them at that age at 10 years, separate between them in their beds.

What benefit you're going to take from this what principle of target there's many benefits, you could take 1020 benefits from this Hadeeth. But what principle of tarbiyah you're going to take from this Heidi, if we had alluded to it in previous lectures, maybe I mentioned it briefly. So you might have caught that. So have a chat with it with the people around you have a discussion and see if you can come up with the answer inshallah.

So hopefully, you've had time to think about that. inshallah. The principle I take here is there are two principles you can take from this, particularly that I saw, you may have found others, and you may have found better ones than the ones that I found, but particularly age specific topia, that your tarbiyah needs to change and adapt to the child's age. So here the profitsystem gives specific instructions with regard to the Salah, as it relates to the child who's seven years old, and specific instructions as it relates to the Salah for the child who is 10 years old. The second principle that I would take from this is that you need to be ahead of the curve as it relates to

your child. And that is because as it relates to the Salah, what At what age does the child earn sin if they don't pray? At what age is the child sinful? If they don't pre puberty right you don't then send before puberty. And let's just say puberty 14 years old. This is this is an approximate average figure of 14 years old on the age of puberty. So until the child which is 14 years old,

They are not sinful for leaving the prayer. So why are we disciplining them at 10 years old? Why are we telling them at seven years old, pray, come on prayer Salah time, come up, pray, pray, pray. And then if they say no at 10 years old, we're disciplining them.

Where's that coming from if the child is not sinful until 14, because as a parent, you are obliged to be ahead of the curve, your tarbiyah must precede the time when it becomes obligatory, there's no point teaching your child about the etiquettes, as it relates to the opposite gender, after the horse has already bolted from the stable and you know, you then you close the, then you close the stable door, you bought the stable door after the horse has already left, there, there's no benefit to that as a parent, you have to be ahead of the curve. So you have to be teaching and giving that tarbiyah to your child before it becomes an obligation on them. And that's why this hadith implies

that you would teach them how to pray before seven years old. So if we put this Hadeeth in order, we have four ages, we have before seven years old, we have at seven years old, we have at 10 years old. And we have at 14 approximately puberty 14 years old, approximate. So how does this work? Before seven years old? We teach them how to break us how can we command them to pray if we haven't taught them how to pray? How can I say to a seven year old Come on vegetative pre startup? What's praying? I don't know what what do I do? What do I say? Obviously, I have to have taught him before that. Okay. Now at seven years old, I'm telling common pray. But sometimes he or she might say that I

don't want to pray, I know I don't want to pray, I'm not going to pray. So let it go. When there's between seven and 10, we let it go. But it's on a sliding scale. It's not like and the day before the 10th birthday, we say to them, okay, let it go. And then on the 10th birthday, you should come and pray. It's not like that, that doesn't work, right, you have to have a sliding scale where you get more and more serious as they get older and older. But by the time they reach 10 years old, now we're going to discipline them. And that this principle we can take from this a third principle we can take from this, Heidi is the right of the parent to discipline their child. And the disciplining

your child within the limits set by Islam is an important part of tarbiyah that you discipline them, like the profitsystem said hit them if they don't pray from 10 years old. So now we have a next phase, which is a phase of discipline. And that shows you It begins with educating them. After we educated the child now, we are requesting the child after requested the child now we're going to discipline the child. And now upon that in the child reaches that stage of being regular in the prayer we before the time when the prayer is actually sinful for them. Because your discipline as a parent, you're not going to hit them hard. You're not going to make them, you know hurt themselves

or something like that. It's the same kind of discussion that we had we talked about the man and his wife and so on. But here when you discipline your children, you're disciplining them which is better for them that you discipline them and teach them at 10 years old, or they are punished by Allah Yokoyama. Isn't it more befitting that we should discipline our children before Eliza, which punishes them and us for our shortcomings as relates to our children. So here, we have teaching, we have sort of inviting or encouraging, then we have discipline, and all of that comes before the Islamic obligation actually comes into play. So this hadith is one of the most beneficial a hadith

that we have which educators and informs us about the tarbiyah of our children and it contains many principles and benefits. Relating to that.

Our next Heidi's an eye shadow, the loved one her zoji Nabi sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and in every size dilemma and no call in a rifka laya Kunal fishy in Illa Zanna while I use Xero, mini Shea in Illa. Shana

I generated the wife of the profits license generated from the profits items that he said softness was never put into anything except that it made it beautiful. And it was never taken out of anything except that it made it ugly, gentleness, softness riff, and this one is an easy one to get. I'm not going to ask you to think about it is the principle that our total BS should be Neptunia it should be built upon a riff, well lean, gentleness, softness, and being easygoing with people. And that's why the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was taught for the morality Mina la healin tilahun Well, it couldn't have been de Val Colville and fog Domine Holic and if you were harsh and hard hearted

they would have run from among from around you, by the mercy of Allah you were gentle with them. If you were harsh and you are hard hearted they would have fled from around you. So the principle is that of softness and gentleness. Does that mean that we never get angry? Does that mean we never shout doesn't mean that

Because ultimately the end of the day, the prophet sighs got angry when the limits of a law were crossed, he would show his anger. But our basic principle with our children is not anger. Our basic principle with our children is not screaming or shouting. Our basic principle with them is softness and gentleness and kindness and ease. And that's why the Prophet says I mentioned from among the people that the fire is prohibited for allies made the fire haram for them and then haram for the fire. The Prophet sighs mentioned kulu Hagin in lay in in Salim Caribe.

Everyone who is easygoing, and gentle and soft with the people and near approachable. And that's how a parent should be. They should be soft, they should be gentle, they should be approachable, they should be friendly, they should be kind. That's how we should be with our children. And there is a time for discipline and there's a time for raising the voice. And that's why the Prophet says I'm said what do you call him? And he hit them if they don't pray at 10 years old. There's a time for discipline there's a time for raising the voices a time for getting angry. But the basic way we deal with our children should be one of gentleness and softness.

Our next text that we have Yeah, you 100 Edina mn o de esta bien como leadin. Americans, amen. Oh, cool. We're living in La mia blue hula hula min come Sarah Murat Minh cabo la salette in February we're Hina tada Runa Thea the Camino de la it will embarrass the salaat in Asia, sellers who are rotting Neko Lisa Allah, Allah Allah him Juna Han badda hoon. Po funa la come bow welcome Anna about 30 k you will be you know love we look at will la who I lead one hacky sort of note is number 58. Let those who your right hands possess and those that haven't reached the age of puberty, let them make a stick, then let them knock on your door and ask permission to enter. Let them ask permission

to enter from you at three times

before the federal prayer. And when you take off your clothes to go to sleep in your Viola in the morning time when you have the nap in the day. And after salado, Asia after the Asia prayer three hour brought for you three private times, times where you have your privacy, there is no harm upon you or upon them. After those in any other time that they come and they visit you they come and see you that will come out above any some of you to others. And in this way, Allah makes his IRA clear to you and allies, alum and hockey. We run a little bit short on time on this one. But I wanted to highlight a couple of things here. First of all, that title BIA includes teaching your children, our

dad etiquettes, and manners, and how to behave. So includes teaching your children things like knocking on the door, to ask permission, and and, and so on. And the second benefit that I wanted to take from this is that part of the total BS that we teach our children and hire, we teach them. We teach them shyness and modesty. And we don't in front of you know, sort of, we take responsibility for our art, the type of times of privacy and the way that we dress in front of our children, and we behave in front of our children. So it's really important that our therapy is based upon modesty, and that we teach them modesty and we teach them in everything that they do we teach them modesty.

And we teach them the basic etiquette and manners that they're going to need when they interact with people later on. And one of the simple ones is allistic van that is mentioned in sort of not just knocking on the door, asking permission Can I come in before failure after a shower, when the person goes to sleep in the middle of the day knocking on the door and the child says, Can I come in to the parents room for example. This is a beautiful etiquette, it's about teaching our children adapt our therapy shouldn't just be teaching them about the bad acts

that are in terms of salah and Zakat, and so on. But also teaching them about the adab about manners, and about how to behave with other people and how to interact with other people, and particularly the issue of modesty and hide everything they do. And that's why the prophets Isom saw a man who was criticizing his brother about modesty, he was giving him a hard time over modesty and the Prophet size and said dabble Leave him alone. For Intel higher, a higher on kulu everything about modesty is good. Leave him alone, because everything about modesty is good. Everything about modesty is good. So I believe that that is worth highlighting, even though is many others that we

teach our children, but the adage of modesty and particularly that we teach our children part of the tarbiyah as we teach them how to behave with other people and if they don't learn how to behave like that within their family, then how can we expect them to learn to behave like that outside of it? Does that make sense?

How can we hope for them to have good behavior when it comes to the guests and when it comes to when it comes to when they live? You know, they go out to the real world and they you know, they mix with people at the end of the day, if they don't learn that from the family, from the family, then where are they going to learn it from? Our last Friday for this episode is a hadith of Omar. Bin Abbey. selama radi Allahu and he said, he said, Come to fi Hijri Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam what can at ye d tau p Xu fifth Sahaba for Kyle le Yahoo lam semilla we're cool. Be me, Nick. We're cool Minaya leek, says he's narrating in Bukhari and Muslim from the height of American Abby selama.

And he said that I was in the apartment of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu. And he was send them and my hand was going all around the tree. All around the plate, I was taking food from the far side of the plate, and from the near side of the plate. So he said to me, oh, young boy. semilla, say Bismillah and eat with your right hand and eat from what is near to you. I'm gonna take just a few benefits as it relates to tarbiyah. Here, just as we conclude the episode, first of all, the parents should not lay a juice here albia and walk through hacia it's not allowed for you to delay teaching your children what they need, when the time is there that they need it. No, at that time, he was

doing something wrong to provinces and didn't delay it and say oh, I'll deal with it when he's older. I'll deal with it in 10 years time, five years time, two years time, two weeks time, he said to him, oh young boy, say the name of Allah and eat with your right hand and eat with what is near to you. And also from the benefits we can take from this is you teach your children everything you think they will meet here are more than me. selama he mentioned that he made one mistake which is that his hand was going all over his hand was going all over. And yet the Prophet size and taught him three etiquettes saying Bismillah eating with the right hand and eating from that which is near

to you, for the benefit to be greater. So you look at what you think your children will need you don't just teach them the one thing if they did something wrong, not just one that one thing only, but you try to widen it to the other things you think they might need on a similar topic. And again, look at the beautiful way that the Prophet size addressed this and the beautiful way the Prophet size and spoke about this. That's all we have time for in this episode. In the next episode inshallah to Allah we're going to be talking about how you teach your children Islam, because we've talked about tarbiyah generally and now we're going to go on to specific naziha from me, as relates

to how you should teach your children Islam and how you should go about teaching Islam to your children. Where do you start and how do you teach him that's coming up in the next episode a shout out to Allah and we are also going to talk about in a future episode inshallah, as it relates to teaching your children in the worldly life and educating your children and things like homeschooling, or educating your children at home, or how you can play a part in your children's worldly education. But before that, we're gonna put Islam first to talk about Islamic education for children and that's coming up in the next episode. And Allah knows best well Salatu was Salam ala

nabina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi h mine as salaam alaikum. If you're enjoying these videos, and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running, make sure you head over to M [email protected]