Channel: The Deen Show
Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salam aleikum, which means peace be unto you. Welcome to another episode of the deen show at hamdulillah hamdulillah our praises to Allah, the Creator of the heavens and earth, that we're here today. Again, another week broadcasting to you, for those of you that don't get to catch us, in Chicago, you can view all all of our shows at the deen, show calm. We're excited that people from all around the globe have been sending their emails and they're really excited about the shows and we're very happy to get all your support. Today we're going to be talking about the obstacles, some of the things that are preventing people from getting married. So without
further delay, when we come back, we're gonna bring out a mom, Chapin Dean, who's going to help us continue talking about marriage. The obstacles of marriage some of the solutions. When we come back here on the deen show, Adam hittin the sheet gee
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Why did that maybe maybe it's just a break the ice. A salaam aleikum? Wa Alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Thank you. Shake a marshman Dean for being with us again here on the dean show. It's my pleasure to be back. We got some people excited last time you were on the show. good reason to be excited. Marriage is a very hot topic. Sure is love. It's in the air is it? Well, it's spring, it's in the area, right? But we want to make sure that you know, people are doing it right. You know, there's a creator, he's one. And he's monitoring everything. He's got a code, a law, how he wants us to do things, is that correct? Some people ignore it. With the deen show here, we tried to encourage
people to seek out who their Creator is, you know, the true purpose of one's existence in life. And, you know, to want to encourage them to want to do things according to how the creator wants them to do things. It's very logical, very simple. It's nothing weird and bizarre. So one of those things that God Almighty has put in us, this desire to want to be a man to want to be with a woman want to want to be with a man. But now you got to give that woman her rights. She's got to give you a rice Nesta thing, which you do within marriage, right. And then you can just have a good time that we talked about what the benefits. And you can go back to a marshman D section on the show if you
missed that show, part one. And then we talked about the harms, and just giving people some of the things that we talked about today, we're going to be talking about the obstacles and solutions is somebody obstacles. On this episode of the show, are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, just real quick, tell us.
I kind of brought people up to speed a little bit. But if you can kind of summarize before, give us an intro, before we get into this part of the show about some of the things we talked about. If you can brush over a little bit, you can bring them up to speed as well. Sure, well, we talked about the importance of marriage in Islam and the sacred relationship that it is, and why Muslims should be very highly motivated to want to get married, some of the rewards and blessings associated with it, how marriage is actually one of the things that is a reminder, first of all, God promises us in the hereafter of in paradise of a blessing relationship of happiness. And it gives us many of the
different fruits that are basically going to be in Paradise, but at a worldly level. And likewise, we also talked about some of those who are perhaps looking to find that love and that relationship outside of the Islamic realm in scope. So the harms involved with it and some of the problems associated with it. And basically, that was basically where it was basically left that and this time around, we're going to look to talk about some of the obstacles that some of the brothers and sisters are complaining about that are preventing them from being able to get married, and we're going to look to bring some solutions for them also. Okay, man, we're gonna get straight to it. So
we don't waste any time because the program is short goes by very fast, too fast. Some of the points that people bring up, or that's in their mind, some don't express it like that, but through their behavior, or even through expressing it. They will put education This is very important. Every Muslim should seek education but how far does it go now someone would say, you know, I have to finish school. I have to wait either the the person is saying that or their parents are saying they're saying, You know what, I got to get this PhD. I got to get the mass. I got to get the bachelor's, then off they go.
about marriage. What do you guys say about this? Well, in Islam, there's nothing to actually say that you have to first complete your college education and go into grad school and have finished up this career or that career before you get married. That's the first thing. There's nothing in the Quran or in the sun, the saying you have to first go to college before you can get married. Naturally, to have an education is very highly encouraged in Islam. And actually, it's something that's a fundamental teaching in Islam to be ignorant is, is not at all praiseworthy, it's on the opposite scale of being something that's highly discouraged. But at the same time, our brothers and
sisters who want to go ahead and get your education and become successful people in this world, they need to balance things out. They have to balance things out, and it can't be looking at basically, I want to have this for me now with my education without taking into consideration what is it going to mean for me if I delay marriage for another four years, another eight years, when I turn 30, something years old, and then I'm going to look to want to try to settle down, there has to be a correct understanding, there has to be a placing of everything in its proper place. Now you set yourself up, you're in school, you obviously have these temptations, you might be on the college
campus, you might be somewhere out in the dorms, wherever you know, the college students are at and not having a mate, aren't you setting yourself up now to possibly get in some trouble? Because you're single over here, you get married, and you do it the right way your partner can kind of help you study your partner can help you kind of achieve those goals. Is it a setback and get married or actually is this something beneficial that you can your partner together can keep you out of harm's way, and at the same time help motivate you to achieve those goals that you want to achieve together doing it. It can be a distraction. But understand that even if a person remains single, it doesn't
mean they're not going to have distractions, there's always going to be something or the other. But the reality is that if we were to look to move in the right direction, and proceed with a solution of getting married, even though we haven't yet completed even our undergrads, but you have the right space, spouse, the right meet, that you can then together look to complete your studies. So that you're not going to have the temptations which are the natural needs that your body that your soul that your heart and emotions are searching for of having a companion out on college, if you're going to be living on campus or not, you're going to see couples, you're going to see people hugging and
kissing, showing affection, you're going to see things that are going to naturally remind you time and time again of how lonely you are. And there's only so much that a person can really continue to remain unmarried, yet at the same time to remain chaste and to remain true to themselves and true to God.
So this shouldn't be an excuse. No, not at all. Just do it and nothing to but to do it. Nothing to it except to do it. All right. Okay. So the next common excuse, and it's something that we hear often I think we got a lot of programming going on, you know, people might watch some movies, they see this, you know, fairy tale romance, might have read a romance novel, watch something on TV, and you think that you know, love is something that you just got to be swept off your feet. You know, you just got to, you know, this love at first sight or I gotta wait to fall in love. And is this something that is is is ideal? Is this something that's for real? Or is it just something that we
are getting from Hollywood bollywood, talk to us?
It's it's fiction. It's fiction. Yeah, waiting for that knight in shining armor to come sweep her off her feet are waiting for that hotel lane to descend from heaven. Yeah, that's going to be your missus perfect, and so on and so forth. This is something that has actually done a lot of harm to the relationships of Muslims. When somebody has in their head, a fairy tale that they want to make into a reality. When they take Hollywood and Bollywood and try to make that into everyday living. They're actually committing a great injustice against themselves.
Big difference even if you were to really look at the reality of the relationships of those people that are married from Hollywood and Bollywood, you see that their marriages are nowhere where their movies portray them to be.
Love, is a quality that is from Allah azza wa jal, as his name is the most loving the most loved. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he allows peace and blessings be upon them. He taught us saying the women were do
marry the women that are both loving and that will be that will bear many children. So to find that wife and that husband who are going to be loving and are going to have those qualities, it's from Islam. But let's understand that in the proper context. It's not that you're going to have this person.
Just from the beginning, you're going to feel this love that's going to sweep you off your feet that you're going to have this romance and passion, the way that you know, whether it's movies or romance novels, the way that they portray it. That's really in the nest, in essence, the other L Word. The fourth
letter L Word and it's lost it's not really love. So we got to confuse here now there's a big confusion between the two love in Islam is required quality and this is one of the things at the level. So behind Allah tala, the glorified and the exalted that he says in the Quran woman iottie and Hala Kanaka mean and forsake them as well. And it has cuando la her vagina Bina Kuma with the Tom Rachman from his miraculous signs, as it is created for you spouses just like yourselves, that he has placed between the two of you, love, and mercy. So these are qualities that we need to have. But at the same time, we need to put them in the proper perspective and understand it's not lost.
It's not falling in love with a person's complexion and how handsome he looks or how beautiful and her body shape and things of that sort. Love is a quality that really through the relationship with time, after truly getting the ability to know one another and having the relationship established on the right principles. That's something that's that exists, but it's further nurtured and cultivated. So that it truly blossoms to what it needs to be through that relationship of marriage. Next point, some people might resort to what's called I would self pleasure we live in in the real world here. I mean, probably people have done this before to doing it today. But now to avoid some of these
temptations, someone might end up turning to self pleasure. I don't know if you can, I'm a little shy to bring up any other words, but you know, address this, this is also something that someone might end up to treat this issue is desire they have, they might not go out and you know, end up committing fornication or hooking up outside of the way that the creator wants them to do, but they might just start doing this, to put off the marriage thing.
It's kind of like a person seeking to
treat symptoms, and not looking to actually remedy the cure with the cure the origins of the issues at hand. Naturally, it's it's it's a, it's a need that both the man and the woman have, but looking to fulfill it and satisfy you through anything other than marriage. It's wrong, it's sinful. It's less of a sin than going out there and fornicating. But at the same time, it's not something that's really acceptable. One of the things that I love was Jill mentioned to us in the Quran, whereas he says us well let the you know, homely Farrugia him happy zone Illa Allah as well as him, oh, man, malakut a man whom for in the Himalaya. romelu mean for many, but Allah wa Delica, Allah, Allah, and
those who they guard the chastity of their genitals, except from their wives and those whom are of their possessions. Whoever seeks a means or method outside of that, then those are the transgressors. So the self pleasure or the M word. This is something that's not really acceptable. But there's also a problem with CES that perhaps somebody doesn't look at.
It's an addicting thing, where someone who then feels that they don't really need
the other where they can take care of their own business. They don't need a man, they don't need a woman before kind of fall in love with yourself.
I don't forget this, I'll just hang out with myself all the time. I mean, this is what can lead to quite possibly pornography, then. But what really happens is, and some people don't think about it that it perverts your mind. Yeah. Because in order for somebody to get into that type of stuff, they need to be thinking or think about things, they need to be dwelling on stuff. And that's where the perversion really starts setting in. And so this is something that a person then because it's something that they're doing on their own, and they engage in this regularly, frequently, yeah, it corrupts them from within. And this opens up the doors for many other things that are very harmful.
Aside from hair growing on your palms and losing guys saying, Yeah, this is bad, we still
got to some normal cold feet, you just get a little nervous. You get scared, this is something also cold feet. Yeah, definitely. Both the brothers and the sisters, they will suffer from this. And this is because the closer that we move to doing something that is right, that is good with what God wants us to with what Allah wants us to do. Shaytan is going to be there to kind of frighten us from it. He's going to be there to throw some fear into our mind, such that we're going to say, hold on a bit, wait, let's slow it down a little bit. Maybe she really isn't the right person. Maybe he's really not I'm rushing or something of that sort.
So the cold feet, it's natural, but at the same time, we need to realize that it shouldn't stop us. As long as we're clear on the principles, the core points that are the reason why we want to marry that person. And there's nothing that has been a major issue to
prevent that from happening. The cold feet is something that's normal, that's going to happen, it should in no way stop you from doing it. Yeah, we're coming to the next point is stability. Someone might have some financial, emotional, psychological, always thinking about future plans. And they're not really thinking about this planet.
Definitely, in order for someone to get married, they need to be stable and stable and all the different points that you mentioned. Why because you're now moving into a different stage of life. It's no longer you worrying about yourself, or maybe living under the roof of your parents. This is now you starting your own family. And to do that there has to be certain prerequisites, certain qualities and qualifications that are needed from both the brother side and from the sister side.
And part of it is the financial, that you need to be able to take care of the basic needs. And of course, depending on what you're marrying, or who you're marrying, the level of the economical social status that the person came from, there's going to be some variations. But in general, if we're Muslims, who are looking to try to fulfill our, our innate needs of marriage, and companionship, and we want to do it according to what Islam teaches us, that the basic needs, especially we're talking about the young brothers and sisters, who they want to go ahead and finish up with their education, and so on and so forth, that we need to humble ourselves. We need to humble
ourselves, but there still needs to be that ability to make sure that you can take care of the basics so that you're not getting married today. And then breaking up and divorcing tomorrow, because you don't have money to pay for an apartment or to keep paying for the apartment or for bills or things of that sort. Not talking about luxuries of buying fancy furniture and jewelry and things of that sort which are, you know, materialistic luxuries, which aren't real basic needs. She's what she wants to Brad Pitt at the same time, the half is of Quran and he's wants the woman to be in hijab praying, but the same time supermodel, we get to a position we're now really picky. You
know, we got high, high expectations, high high standards, what are we gonna say about this? Honestly, that's that's one of the complaints that the the sisters are making more than the brothers saying, There's no good men out there. And all the good men are taken. And the good men that are taken, they can't add second, third, and fourth said their profiles. But that's the difference.
But there are some issues with regards to Realistically speaking of high expectations, you know, and this, again, goes back to the fiction of Hollywood and Bollywood and everything else that's out there, that's of the beauty that people see and think that you know what I'd like to have that, Sure, I'd like to have that too. But let's be realistic, you know, I'm saying, when it comes to what you're looking for, there has to be the core qualities that really are going to mean are going to be part of me the bread and butter of that relationship. Because when it comes to the physical things, yes, there should be physical attraction, she should be, you know, attractive to you, he should be
attractive to you. But at the same time, look to have the best of all these different qualities in a person, there is no such thing as the ideal man or the ideal woman, the ideal Muslim, the ideal Muslim. So we need to really look to put things back into a proper perspective, if we're going to look to try to really be true to ourselves, and at the same time, have a fulfilling relationship with whoever it is that this marriage is going to take place with. Now, these are some of the eternal issues that one as the individual might go through, but now you have some external issues with say, the parents were the parents, they want to pick the spouse, they're not kind of letting
the their child or maybe he's not even child now that the woman she's, you know, 2425, she's an adult, he's an adult. And of course, the parents should be involved in this. But how far do you and where do you draw the line where they're like, no, you're gonna marry this girl, this guy from my village, from my town, who I pick, he's got to have that doctor's degree, three of them for PhD, whatever the case, but you get what I'm saying? How do we how do we address this?
This is one of the hard problems to deal with, especially depending on certain cultures where parents are still very dominant in their children's lives, where parents feel that they have all the say, and you know, islamically, we're supposed to love our parents, and we're supposed to respect them. But at the same time, the parents are supposed to really recognize that they should be more interested in what's best for their kids. And the way that they may perceive the better person to be for their wife, for their wife or their son or a husband for their daughter. It may not really be what their son or daughter is looking for. So there really has to be a true sense of communication,
a humbling between the two, so that this way they can look to make the best thing happen for their son or daughter.
And there's more that can be definitely talked about with regards to. Okay, now we got another very important point, the high diaries. We discussed this a little bit in our last show, but let's
go over this quickly, you know, the high diaries correct. The Diary, the mohar. Basically, the gift that is given to the wife, by the husband, as is the Islamic tradition, and not the opposite, as is the case with certain different cultures where the wife is supposed to give the diary to the husband, the Islamic one is that the husband gives to the wife, but there's such an expectation of it's so much, sometimes you'll you'll have the illusion that you're actually purchasing the person instead of actually marrying them. And that's just the dowry. And then you add on top of it, all the other financial requests and obligations and burdens of jewelry and furnishings of an apartment and
home and distant dad in the ceremony itself. It's just mind blowing, can you make it happen if both parties are in different locations, this is something also where, okay, you know, you might have someone in mind, but they're on the opposite end of the world.
Well, this is one of the more common happenings today, especially with the world becoming as one, one community one, one village, where people are meeting each other or having people that are introducing them. And yet they're in different locations, whether it's within the same state or within the same country, or perhaps on the other side of the globe, it can be done. But again, the proper steps need to be taken to make sure that there is no harm that there is no treachery that's involved in any of this. Okay, another one dealing with the differences of age, race,
social economical status,
this point of determine also, and this, this goes back to some of the standards that people hold in place for themselves, where a girl, for example, who's very sensitive of her age says, I cannot marry somebody who's younger than me. And in doing so, she perhaps maybe excludes the person, that would be the best husband for her. Or likewise, you know, a husband who, you know, the man who's looking to marry, but he won't, he doesn't want to marry somebody who's outside of his race outside of his culture. And so every time we look to limit our selection, by self imposed restrictions, whether it's age, whether it's culture and race, whether it's, you know, socioeconomic status of the
person, and educational level, and so on, and so forth. If we're not going to be looking at the core criteria and qualifications, and we base it on these issues, then we're really harming ourselves, and we're not in any way adding anything positive, to this process of finding that right person, what is a solution, when someone brings up as an excuse, the education aspect of it.
There's no contradiction between the two, that's the first thing that needs to be clear in the minds of
the young couples, or the younger brothers and sisters that are looking to get married. And also in the minds of their parents, there's no contradiction, there's nothing that says that these are, you know, the anti of each other, that if you go to school, you can't get married, or if you're married, you can't go to school.
If that's understood, then the next step is to understand that it can actually better things for you. If the, if the young man and the young woman that are looking to finish up their studies, and they go about it the right way, they can actually have a better chance at fulfilling their educational and career goals, because their core needs are also being at the same time addressed. Loneliness is a very serious issue. And because of it, it's even more of an issue when people are on campus, or they're in college, and they see others in relationships, where there's emotions of love and affection being expressed. And yet they themselves are trying to remain good, righteous. And
with that, they're trying to focus on their studies. So they're becoming depressed, they're not able to focus and study as well as they like, or they're playing games, with your allowing shaytaan to trick them into thinking I can, you know, focus on my studies, but I can do some of the other things that were addressed, to try to basically take care of the symptoms and the needs and whatever it is that I have until I actually finish up my studies. But one of the things that's also clear, and this is something that those who are listening No, there really doesn't seem to be an end to the study. So the education or to the goal to that limit that boundary that set because what happens once they
finish up their undergrad, they finish up their four or five years of of their bachelor's. The next step is what I need to go ahead and finish up some grad studies. I need to go ahead and do my masters or perhaps complete my PhD or finish up med school or engineering or, or law or whatever the case is. And in the process, you add another
Several years to it. And so again, you're not going to get married because you feel it's going to be the same issue the same distraction but there's a several more years of punishment or self inflicted punishment upon yourself in your at the same time keeping yourself open to the problems that shaytaan that the devil he throws in you. I mean, let's be real. Everybody knows that there's desires within us that there's lust there, there's there's many things of temptation that are out there trying to take us away from what we know is correct. And so this is one of the things that really needs to be put into proper context. And hopefully, it's understood by our brothers and
sisters. It looks like we are out of time for this episode of the deen show, but we're going to have to invite you back and we're going to have to continue giving the people inshallah God willing to solutions to some of these points that we brought up that many people out there are facing, shall not so you want to come back and finish this up. Definitely. Cuz you started it. We got to finish it. You started. Yeah. All right. So thank you for being with us. Just like
the iaca Thank you, you too. And thank you for tuning in to another episode of the deen show. So you got to hear it hear some of the obstacles that keep people away from something that is so beautiful, coming together with that man or that woman, the woman coming together with the man the man coming together with the woman to do things right to do it the way that is pleasing to the Creator of the heavens and the earth. So now with that said, we invite you to come back. Same time same channel. If you miss us on the TV, you can catch us at the deen show.com Th e d e n show calm and then until then we'll see you a Salaam Alaikum peace be unto you.
Allahu Allah, Allah, Allah Who
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