Transformers Ep. 10 – My Mother Or My Wife

Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh brothers and sisters in Islam, welcome to transformers. This is Episode 10. And this episode is about a scenario that I've dealt with recently. And it's a scenario that keeps cropping up. And it's part of the Transformers series in that sometimes we fail to progress and transform because of a hindrance. And this scenario that I will describe to you shortly is a hinderance right.

You have a situation whereby a respectful son gets married to a pleasant girl, she's a pleasant wife. She's a respectful wife, she respects her in laws, she gives her in laws, their rights as well. And she's also responsible in terms of her relationship with them. Because she knows that you know, these are, they are my husband's parents. Now that has been married, that brings her into his home, but it's a small home, it's a flat, and in this flat, he has his brothers and he has his sisters living there as well. And, you know, it was his dream to marry a girl who is modest, who looks after the Islamic values. She wears the hijab, she wears the niqab. Now, her bra, you know,

the husbands brothers are not Muslims, right? They are not

illegal in terms of the wife interacting with them. So now the wife comes into this home, and she's confined herself to her room. Why? Because if she comes out, she has to cover. So she is confined to the center, abnormal situation, okay. But she's patient through it. Then, as life goes on, and the years pass by, Allah blesses the couple with a child. So now she was a wife. And now she's become a mother. But she's still in the same room. Right? It's not natural, both for the for the for the mother, and it's not natural for the child as well. Then as the circumstances progress, the mother has a vision of the child of how to discipline the child, that's not an abnormal vision.

And actually practices parenting over the child. The husband's mother, the mother in law steps in because they are living in the same space, the mother looking at the child crying, for example, or, you know, knows the child wants to watch TV when he's not TV time, the mother stops it. But the husband's mother, the mother in law steps in, and switches on the TV. So now there's interference even in the parenting. Right? So now the husband's in a predicament here, because the wife wants out, she's not asking for something abnormal, she just asking for some space, another flat another home to make the abnormal situation normal. But the husband's mother does not want them to move out.

So what does the husband do here? In some cases, husbands actually tell the wife, Look, my mother comes first. And if you don't like it, you can walk away. This is is this what Islam would advise? Islam is the middle way. Yes, Islam says respect your parents. But Islam also asked you to be a husband to your wife. Islam also asked you to be a father to your child. Right? So if you're going to come up with this, you know, gung ho attitude that my mother is my mother, my father is my father and it is what it is and you know, deal with it or go home. This is oppression. And this is not usually managed maturity. Right? or, in the case of this story, the husband's not showing marriage

maturity, right. So clearly, he's got a hinderance in his life. And as this situation progresses, he's going to stop feeling the sweetness of his prayer, he's going to stop progressing, he's going to stop transforming even the episodes that we share here are not going to be valuable. Why? Because his mind is busy with the situation he's at work when he comes home. He's tiptoeing around his mother, he's tiptoeing around his wife, because this is the situation. Brothers and sisters in Islam is as I said earlier, Islam is balanced. And when we look at all these, when we look at a circumstance, especially one like this, where there's so much potential for a joyous marriage and

beautiful parenting and adding to the number of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wasallam in a proactive way, right, and then we have this this this

negative circumstance, it's important we go back to the Quran and Sunnah in terms of how to deal with it. And we cannot forget that the Quran did say you should respect your parents, but the Quran also did say you are responsible as a husband and you are responsible as a father. So the question that needs to be asked, What does respect of parents mean here? Does it mean that if I try and give my abnormal situation some care, so it becomes normal? Right?

Even though my parents don't want is this disrespect? From a Sharia perspective, respect of parents has guidelines. We respect our parents, we listened to them. We listened to them as long as listening to

To them does not entail disobeying, disobeying Allah subhanho wa Taala, as long as listening to them does not entail usurping the rights of other people that who have rights given to them by Allah subhanho wa Taala. And this is what we have to understand, right? That it doesn't mean now if you take care of your situation, and take care of giving everyone giving everyone their rights, that you will be disrespecting your parents in the event that your parents

are not playing ball with you so to say, so let's say for example, you want to move out the mother says no, but the father says no, but your wife's upset, your child's upset. Right? Now, in this particular circumstance, you have to show marriage maturity, you have to show that you're a husband, you have to show that you're a father, you don't disrespect your parents by raising your voice to them.

That's absolutely incorrect. But you explain to them your circumstances situation. And if they're not willing to oblige, if not willing to meet you halfway. And you then decide respectfully to move out with regards to Allah subhanho wa Taala. You have not done anything wrong, you're not sinful, this is not disrespect. Why? Because you looking after the rights of the other rights that Allah has placed in your life. And Allah has not given the parents the right to shower conditions and decisions on their children that lead to destructive outcomes. This is not from a sinner, right? You're not supposed to listen to your parents in a in a way that leads the disobedience of Allah, if

you don't act as a husband, you will be disobeying Allah, if you don't act as a father, you will be disobeying Allah. So in this particular circumstance, you don't raise your voice, right. And you make the decision that allows you to protect your situation from becoming negative, which is a situation that Islam does not

want, right? Now in terms of maybe your parents will take offense, and they will choose to be angry with you, and so on and so forth. This is a test from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Right, this is for you to manage through that hour and through through speaking to them through explaining to them, you know, maybe when you move out, you might need to spend the first few months always close to them. Because sometimes, it's a possession kind of thing. And this is from my experience, I've seen this that no mother wants difficulty for the child, but it's an issue of letting go. So you show them that it doesn't mean that you know, you are just a few blocks away, that you're going to forget

about you show them

that you still there for them, you still care for them, you still love them, right? So sometimes it needs that extra care. And in this circumstance you will explain to you after look, we've moved out now but for the next few weeks or months, you know I will be without taking away your rights. I will be spending a bit more time at my parents just so they adjust to the new situation until the hearts come down and we will make dua to Allah to settle the hearts and, and to ease the hearts because Allah subhanho wa Taala controls the hearts right now. Look, these are tough decisions and tests from Allah subhanho wa Taala that sometimes come into our lives. But we have the Quran and Sunnah to

guide us. And to some extent in some level, leadership is required from us, my dear brothers and this special message to the brothers leadership is required. Right? An executive decision is needed, because you're in a situation where it's impossible to keep everyone happy right now. But over time,

you can solve it. And Allah asks you now to make a lap. Right? So that is the path you have to take that needs leadership. If you try and keep everyone happy, you will make no one happy. And at the end you will be alone. Right? And this whole thing of, you know telling your wives if you're not happy, go home. This is oppression. This is oppression should be no emotional blackmail. No wife wants to depart from her husband. No wife wants to be in a marriage where she has to raise the child without a father. What the child will distant from the Father. So an appeal to our brothers in Islam, our grooms.

Sometimes interest does come Don't allow the hindrance to stay why you will fail to transform it's going to affect all your other areas of your life. And an appeal to our brothers and everyone listening. Go back to Allah and His Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and an appeal as well to the parents that you know the cultural baggage right?

Put the Quran and the Sunnah in front of it. make life easier for your children, facilitate things for your children, right? Don't bring the cultural baggage of decades from the village back home into the lives of generations today doesn't lead to a healthy outcome. I love you all for the sake of Allah until next time, Salam O Allah