The Quranic Essence Of Parenting
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 13.49MB
Quranic examples of parent-child relationships shed light on many issues that plight Muslim families all over the world today, says Nouman Ali Khan. While the story of Prophet Ibrahim (AS), whose father built idols that he destroyed, reminds us that imaan is not only influenced by the environment in which we are raised, that of Nuh (AS) and his son teaches us that even if you are a Prophet, you may end up with a child who refuses to accept Allahâs message. Although we have a responsibility towards our children, we have no control over the results. Allah has endowed all human beings with the ability to think for themselves which means that once your child reaches adulthood, he/she will have to make their own choices. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) famously told his daughter Fahemah that she should fear Allah because she will have to stand before Him at her own merits, for even he cannot intervene on her behalf. Risking our spiritual and emotional relationship with our children can be avoided if we take a cue from Luqman (AS) who waited for the right circumstances to lecture his son about religion. And to sons and daughters, beware because the crimes you commit against your parents will only lead to perpetual loss and agony both in this life and the next.
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Today's hobos inspired by an overwhelming number of parents that I have had conversations with. And I've had these conversations with them here in the United States, here in our local community, I had almost exactly the same conversations in different parts of Europe, also, similarly, different parts of the Muslim world, the Arab world, even in places like Sri Lanka or Malaysia, the conversations are somewhat different, but overall, they're exactly the same. And I wanted to take this opportunity in this code, but to remind myself, because I'm a parent myself, to remind myself and to remind all the parents that are here of certain realities that Allah makes very, very clear. They're not easy
realities, but they are clear realities. This code is dedicated to two audiences, it's dedicated on the one hand to parents and it's also on the other hand dedicated to their children. So those of you that are listening, as parents also also at the same time, listen as offsprings of your parents. Allah azzawajal describes in many places, the relationship between parents and children, by way of example. So instead of talking about the theory of parenting, Allah gives many many case studies of parents and their children. And so you have some amazing examples. For instance, you have the case of Ibrahim alayhis salaam, whose father, and some argue uncle, but linguistically, it's still father
as Bill's idols. He's actually the source of a lot of the idol worship in his town, and his son grows up to be the Great Leader of the concept of tawheed. And the man in Allah azza wa jal, that all the faiths, all of monotheistic faiths attribute themselves to in one way or the other. As a matter of fact, all of Islam is also called miletti. Become Ibrahim, the religion of your father Ibrahim, right. So on the one hand, you have a pretty messed up dad in simple language, and you have an amazing son. And it's not like the son had an amazing environment, a supportive environment where his emaan fostered and things like that it was a pretty corrupt environment. Everybody around him is
worshipping idols, there's nobody who thinks like he does. As a matter of fact, he stands alone, and he's considered kind of a rebel, you know, when he criticizes these idols, and he's kicked out of his house also. So the first thing that I wanted to highlight in this example, is that one's a man, a young man's faith, or a young woman's faith, according to a larger will isn't always only dependent on their environment. A lot of times we blame the environment, well, what can we do? We're living in America, what can we do they go to public school, what can we do? They're in a bad situation. So of course, they're going to get impacted by that. Yeah, that's too true to an extent.
But there's a reason to like, give us these examples. This is the journey of Ibrahim alayhis salam before he became a prophet. Revelation is a situation. First and foremost, he starts questioning and exploring and starts criticizing things that are happening around him. What that tells us is Allah azza wa jal enabled human beings, each and every one of them, regardless of what environment they're in, regardless of what situation or what society they're a part of, to think for themselves, if they choose to follow everybody else, and never think for themselves, that's on them. They don't they don't get to say, Well, what can I do? I was in a blinding environment. No, Allah gave you eyes,
I'll give you the ability to see for yourself. But on the flip side of this, you also have other instances. And to me, one of the most unique instances is the case of jacoba Islam, who has, you could argue two sets of children, good kids and bad kids. It's the same father and those who have tried to argue this, I think it's completely inappropriate to think that jacoba Islam is anything short of a great father, he's a prophet, and prophets are known for their fairness, for their goodness for their son, to all people, especially their own family. So it's unimaginable for us to think that he was a good father to us, and maybe to Binyamin, the youngest one. And he was not such
a good dad to the other sons. That doesn't make any sense. He's a father and he's doing his best to raise his children. And he's actually later on in those studies with use of carefully he's even giving good counsel and good advice to those sons that rebelled against him. So there's no reason to think he
A double standard. The point I'm trying to make is he, as a father, and as a head of a household as a parent did everything he could to provide a good environment and a good education to his children. And yet, the results that came are completely different. They're actually polar polar opposites. On the one hand, and what makes it even more interesting is that Yusuf Alayhi Salam was separated from him at a very early age. And so he no longer has a good influence, Yusuf Ali Salaam no longer has a parental influence, as he's becoming a young man, as he's growing up in a society we learn allows that which will have given him a lot of, you know, good looks, Allah had given him intelligence,
high intelligence, great character, but he's living in a corrupt society in the house of a politician. And he's basically a young servant who has no parental supervision, you can do whatever he wants, in a sense, within that sphere of his. And on top of that, later on, he was called to wrongdoing. So he's, he's in one bad environment. And by the way, from there, he ends up even in a worse environment inside a prison, the people around you in prison aren't exactly the best of people.
And so he's going from one bad environment to another bad environment. And when people are in that kind of a bad environment for a really long time, you would imagine they're going to come out messed up, something's going to happen to them, they're going to pick up, you know, the the traits and the qualities of that sick environment that's around them. But if you can't, and of course, that didn't happen with him, he retained his pure character. But if you can contrast that with his other siblings, who are actually living in the household of a prophet, they live in the best possible environment, can you imagine your father is a prophet? You You couldn't possibly be parented, and be
offered a better opportunity to be guided and to be raised, right. And yet his brothers scheme, and they lie, and they backbite. And they do these things for many, many years. And they're actually disrespectful to their father as well, for no fault of the Father Himself. So the point I've tried to make thus far is that you have parents on the one hand doing nothing like in the case of as they're doing nothing. And yet the product is amazing. Ibrahim alayhi salam. On the other hand, you have a you know, the case of Yahuwah, a slob who does everything. And the product is sometimes awesome, like Yusuf alayhi salam, or not like the other siblings, who for many years were in
rebellion. When you study the end of social graph, you find some interesting case studies. First, you find a story of young men who have a career they make a living by fishing, by going out at sea. But after that, after talking about young men who are trying to earn an honest living, interestingly, there are two other stories. And these both of these stories are about young kids, when young boy is killed, and the reason given later on, is actually this child, when he grew up, he was going to be a terror and a horror to his parents.
And it's interesting that what we are told about his parents is about whom he named can meaningfully hang. His parents are both were both righteous, good believers. So these were two good parents who were going to raise a child to the best of their ability and he was going to be a horror for them. He was going to give them a really hard time in life. Okay. So he had an waka Franca, and we'll describe it as rebellion and disbelief. He's going to leave Islam and he's going to be a horrible rebel against his parents, even though they did nothing wrong and raising him. On the flip side of it, you have a couple of orphan boys who we don't know anything about, you know, masala Salaam is
told to build this wall. He has no idea why he's building it. Eventually, when the rationale is offered to him. Why did you build this wall? It's actually about these boys, whose father was a good man, what kind of a boo hoo masala their father was a good man who died a while ago. Now these kids are orphan these they're being raised on the streets. And yet, Allah azza wa jal wants them to have a good life down the road, like he's securing their future down the road. What I'm trying to get at is that in this life, as far as our children are concerned, we have absolutely no control. We have responsibility, but not control. And we have to understand the difference between those two things.
I have a responsibility to my parents, I cannot control my parents. I have a responsibility to my children until a certain age until they reach the age where they are answerable to Allah for themselves. When they became they become violent, when they're considered adults, by Allah, that means when they're standing in trial in front of Allah, Allah will not come and ask you first he'll ask them directly because they will lumati human chiamata everyone will come before Allah individually, all alone, nobody else. And so we as we raise our kids, when we when they get to a certain point, our love for them doesn't go away. Our concern for them doesn't go away. Our doors
for them Don't go away. Our desire for them to live a good life doesn't go away. But is a lot going to hold you responsible for the mistake they make no to the best of your ability. You try to give advice and then you have to back off. This is something even the message
Allah understood sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the man who had the greatest qualities in every sense of the world. Were the greatest husband, the greatest leader, the greatest of all prophets, the greatest father, and what does he say to his daughter? Yeah, Fatima Tobin to Mohammed.
He says Fatima, daughter of Mohammed, it tequila, you need to have you need to be cautious of Allah for in Nila, I'm likoma. Lucky mean, Alicia, I no doubt will have no authority to make any case on your behalf in front of Allah, you'll have to stand on your own. I know you're my daughter. But even that doesn't get you anywhere. Even that's not enough, you're gonna have to stand on your own merits in front of a lot. This is an important teaching that we need to understand we cannot we cannot change the environment of our children and expect that they're going to come out perfect. We cannot later on start getting frustrated with them when they change when they make bad decisions. Because a
lot of our kids will make bad decisions like we made bad decisions. You and I made bad decisions too. We disappointed our parents too. They couldn't control everything we did also, we gave them a hard time too. So what Allah azza wa jal does in the Quran is he describes a scenario and this these examples that I wanted to give you was first to help me remember and you remember that our children are simply an amount of from Allah trust given by Allah azza wa jal, how well did we try to raise them? Did we do our part, that's all new holy Salam is not questioned, for how he raised his son, as messed up as his son was as rebellious as his son was, he did his part as a father. He did what he
could, the rest is between his son and alized religion. But that doesn't mean that we don't love our kids. And like I told you lots of conversations of especially mothers, and sometimes fathers, too, who come in pain in tears, telling me how they raised their children, this, they made them memorize the Quran, they sent them to a Sunday school, they put them in an Islamic school, they move from one city to another, took a pay cut, sometimes even lost their business, just so they can bring their children into a nicer Muslim community so they can have the environment. Everything was great, this kids will keep us a respectful, so loving, so kind, such a perfect kid, you know, and all of a
sudden, something happened to him. And now he doesn't pray. And he talks back to his parents. And she stays out late at night. And when you try to question them, they snap. I don't know what to lose, I can't even recognize if it's the same kid. Where do I go? What do I do, and that's happening over and over and over again, with hundreds 1000s if not millions of families, children rebelling out of control. Now, there are lots of reasons for that happening. But like I said, first and foremost, this football is directed to audiences, parents and their kids. I want to share with you this scenario, this idea that children that were raised by good parents rebelling, and then
completely becoming different people, like the parents can't even recognize your I can't believe you're the same child. I've seen cases where sons have hit their mothers, they physically assaulted their mothers. I've seen cases where children have threatened their parents curse that their parents, you know, stolen from their parent all kinds of things. How did things get to this? Or come to them and say, Oh, well, you know, I don't call you anymore because I don't believe in Islam. I don't I don't I don't pray I don't really believe in religion anymore, etc. And those parents are completely shattered. Not one literally 1000s of them. How does the law describe this scenario? In a
few words, Allah just says whether the scholarly validate II as for the one who said to both his parents who fill a coma I've heard it enough for both of you orfila Kumar is not I would not translate this as woe unto you. It's a son who's listening to advice the mother keeps sending him sadly sadly, Selena mas pero lo de mas para lo de mas para lo he keeps keeps coming them just pray. Just pray. Can you stop doing this? Can you stop doing that? Just, you know, come home earlier. She keeps giving him advice, advice, advice, and he's had it he doesn't want to hear it anymore. So he just has enough. Come on. Stop it already. Oh, Phil Akuma both of you. I've had it at a donnini Raja
you keep promising me that I'm going to come out of my grave kuruman come in so many people have died before nobody comes back. Get over this whole hell heaven thing. Let me live my life. I just want to live my life. I just want to be happy. Okay.
Why are you guys always talking to me about Okay, fine. If I have to burn in hell, that's my problem. What do you have to do with it?
And slams the door and walks out.
This is this is the scene it's not a new scene. This is happening for 1000s of years.
And so what are the parents do? Well, who am I yesterday son in law, they are begging the mother is crying at night praying in tears y'all law My child, my child, my son, my daughter. What do I do? She used to wear the hijab she used to memorize the Koran. Now she's completely become a different person. I don't even know what she's up to. You know where she
Goes who she hangs out with. I found drugs in her room. she smelled like alcohol the other day. Y'all love What do I do? Yesterday, son in law is the last I actually means when a town is desperate. It hasn't had any rain. And it's drought. It's it's dying and drought. And people desperately turn into a love for a miraculous rain. Oh, my yesterday, son in law means Yeah, they're asking for a miracle from God Himself, changed something in my life helped me with this. And then they turn to this boy and say, What are you like I'm in
curse you believe
the parents have had it too.
They can't keep giving soft, loving advice. Whale is not a soft word to use. It's actually one of the names of one of the worst places in hell. But outside of that in Arabic literature, whale is used as a horrible, horrible curse against somebody. And when they say Wei laka
you know, Curse you, in a sense? Damn you. Why are they saying that? This child, this most beloved thing of you know, product of their love this child that they raised with so much sacrifice and so much concern, you know, the ones you love the most can cause you have a pain the most. The child has cost him so much pain, that at this point, instead of making the off for them, it's just the ugliest words even come out of the parents mouth. Even parents start saying horrible, horrible, horrible things out of frustration. mothers have done it fathers have done it in the middle in the heat of an argument with their children just set some really terrible terrible things. But on captures it will
occur. Armin believe Why don't you believe Why can't you just be a normal kid? Why can't you be like everybody else? Why can't you be like us of why do you have to be like this? You know? And this kid By the way, it's it's remarkable that a lot captures reality in not an idealistic terms. he captures it in pragmatic, like exactly how things play out. He turns back, and he says fire kulu Maha de la sottero a wedding.
This is nothing but old stories. Can you stop? Can you stop giving me the old stories? The mother starts quoting an ayah from the Koran or telling him about this prophet, or telling you about this hadith. He says, Can you keep this old stuff to yourself? I don't need this anymore. Thank you very much. I don't want none of this. You keep these stories. And you tell them to somebody who cares. Tell them somebody who's interested. So pod Allah Maha Illa salty reloading.
In some of you as you're listening to this, you've actually experienced something like this. You've lived it. Some of you are living in that horror in your homes. Every time the son walks in. There's an argument between the parents and the children, my first addresses to the children. Understand that when you're doing this and you think you're fighting for your happiness, you're, you're in some unique situation that nobody understands you. A law understands that the crime you've committed against your parents isn't a small one. That is not a small crime. He can live in a house haka Allah, human code. Those are the people that the word meaning the verdict of punishment is
rightfully deserved by those young people. See, oh, my man could have been published him in a genuine sense. This is the same story for all kinds of nations of jinn, and human beings. Rebel rebellion has always been there in the home, Carlo Hosni, they've always been losers, you will not win in life.
You will, you will hurt your parents, you will rebel against them, you will run away from them, you will do whatever you feel like doing thinking, I'm just living my life. Let me breathe. You will never find happiness. You'll always be a loser. You'll always find yourself in loss because of the suffering you cause your parents. It's okay for you to have doubts. It's okay for you to question why are we following this religion? That's fine. But the way in which you dealt with your parents was merciless. They gave you love care and mercy and you gave nothing but pain in return in the hometown Ohio city. And you may not be like the example that was just given. So what does Allah
Himself do when equaling Raja Toma, Emmylou? And for everybody is according to the degrees that they did. In other words, some people are extremely rebellious. Some people are somewhat rebellious. Some people are not praying anymore, or some people are doing some haram things in life and they're rebelling, some people have left Islam altogether, and are cursing Islam and cursing the prophet and cursing the Koran that's happening to him, according to the degree of your crime, Allah will deal with you. So even though Allah has given one scene, in a sense, the worst case scenario, doesn't mean everybody fits in this scenario. Allah Himself acknowledges that and said, Well, he could live
in Toronto. When you have your home,
there are going to be compensated fully for whatever they did. They're not going to be the ones that are wronged. But now I turned my attention as I close to the parents that may be going through this kind of suffering. May Allah azza wa jal protect all of our parents from ever having to see these difficult days but firstly,
and foremost, this is a reality that even profits were not spared. No honey Salam had to face it. You know, you have jacoba his salon had to face it. Right. Ibrahim Alayhi Salam was terrified of it, even though he has fantastic sense, he was terrified of it, he may do about it, you know, which nobody will Binya and nabooda aufnahme keep me and my children forever from ever falling into the worship of idols. So the Habib Rahim, Allah salam, so it's not like we're ever going to be free from that concern. But I will tell you one thing, in the if there's any shout out, there's an indication when you are when your son is 1819 2025 2830, he's an adult, maybe a young adult, maybe a very
immature adult, maybe one that makes horrible, terrible mistakes in life. But then again, he's still an adult. And when that child or that that man or That woman is an adult, and they're making mistakes in life, what is your role, you and I have to remember, we're no the Raphael column, the pen has been lifted as far as our responsibility is concerned, our job was to raise them to the point where they become adults. Once they are adults, they are directly responsible to Allah, the more you try to control them at that age, the more you try to tell them what to do, the more you try to tell your 18 year old, your 20 year old, your 25 year old to pray, pray, pray, the farther they
will run from the prayer, the more annoyed they will become, they will actually distance themselves from you. They will want nothing to do with you, they will see you the mother who loves them. But as soon as they see you haven't even opened your mouth. Here we go. Mom's gonna start her lecture about prayer again, mom's gonna give me a whole talk about how I need to make Toba or how I need to stop talking to that girl, or I need to stop it. Oh, God, I you know what, I'm not even coming over. I'm just gonna go out. I don't want to deal with it. And the mom says, I'm trying to do that. Well, what do you want me to do not do that. Why not invite my child, not make them better? Well, actually, the
way you're doing it is making things worse. The way you're doing it is making things worse. Understand that there are two levels of the relationship you have with your children, especially when they get older. There's a spiritual relationship in which you're trying to give them advice. No, see how counsel, that's a spiritual relationship. And then there is an emotional relationship. A mother is a mother, she loves her child, no matter if he's the worst human being on the earth, you still gonna love her child. And that child, that son doesn't matter if he becomes 45, he still wants emotional support from his mom. He should he still turns to his mother for love and care, he still
should feel like I no matter who turns me away, my mother will never turn me away. These two things your role as a, as a spiritual guidance spiritual counselor, and your role as a mother or a father are two separate things. You have to keep those two things separate. And sometimes when our children rebel and go away from Allah,
then they don't need you to be a daddy. They don't need you to give them spiritual advice, because that will push them further away. They just need you to be a mom right now. Just make them food. Don't talk about Dean for a while. Don't bring it up. Because you know, the last 10 times you brought it up what happened, you should learn from your own experience. advise the Father, don't lose your cool. Don't start complaining. He comes the son comes home once in a month. And that one month, the father says oh, you finally show up.
And he says this is why I don't come because you talk like this. And he walks out again.
What did you gain? What did you gain? This is why you will understand that when yakou alayhis salam was brought a shirt dirty with blood. And he knew that his sons were lying. He knew it.
He understood that right now I can do nothing about the situation. So the words that came out of his mouth are forever going to resonate for any parent who has adult children that are out of control for submarine Jimmy will allow Mr. And Allah matassa for the only thing beautiful left now is patience. I need to demonstrate beautiful. There's such a thing as ugly patience, by the way. But he needs to demonstrate beautiful patience and needs to keep a smile, maintain at least the emotional part of the relationship. How are you doing son? Are you eating? Well? Is everything okay? Don't bring up Dean just maintain the relationship. Why? Why am I saying that? Because shaytan will come
to that foolish young men, or that foolish young woman and say to them, your parents hate you. They always criticize you. They're always nagging you. They're always lecturing you forget them, live your life. Get away, they don't love you. If they love you, they talk to you like this, and he's gonna hear here are gonna go far and far and far away. Your job is parents now. Perhaps more difficult than the waking up in the middle of the night and changing their diapers and taking them to the hospital when their fever spikes at two in the morning. You know, and taking care of their school and getting you know, getting them ready and all all those exhausting years that you have
that was actually easier. What you're being asked to do now is much harder to demonstrate beautiful patience and maybe two
Find other sources to give them advice, not you. Maybe somebody else needs to talk to them. The worst thing you can stop by the way, sometimes our children, they're programmed at a certain age. And you and I were like this to, you'll take advice from anyone except if it comes from your father.
If it comes from your father, you're annoyed before he even opens his mouth. You're agitated. Your mother says, watch this video. Listen to this chair. Listen to this. Oh, God, here she goes again. I don't want you know, there are people who come up to me. You know, I hate you. They tell me I hate you. Like, what did I do? Because not you, my mom makes me watch your videos all the time. I can't stand you.
Please don't make me watch, make your kids watch my videos. Please don't, I'm telling you. You're pushing them further away. It doesn't help. You can shove religion down their throats. Just be a parent, just be a parent, as painful as it is as rebellious as they've become. They need something else from you at this point. And so I leave you with the following. Even with Luqman who's probably the longest passage on parenting in the Quran. There's no other place in the Quran that deals with the subject of parenting as exhaustively. And that's even that's brief, but in the case of lookman for the lavorando. But look at how Allah zone describes it just one part of it. is Allah lokmanya
liben II, wha hoo, hoo hoo. There's lots of conditions, when at the very moment when look man said to his son, while he was in a position to counsel him. In other words, Look, man doesn't just give his son lecture after lecture after lecture, he finds the right time, the right opportunity. He thinks of a strategic opportunity and then brings up Yamuna Yella to Shrek Mila, my son take a lot seriously, don't don't do check with Allah. He doesn't just throw that lecture on his son constantly. There's actually a Hylia, who is suggesting he was very strategic. If that opportunity presents itself, well, then good. If it doesn't, then take your time. Be patient. parents that are
in this audience already know, you've already had many conflicting arguments and discussions. You've already had fights where you know, somebody stormed out of the house or yelled and screamed or slammed a door. You already know that if you're going to have that conversation, start again, it's going to end up the same way. Be smart about it. Don't Don't walk into that same trap again. You don't I never want to be the kind of parent that has to say where you like I'm going to get to the point where I lose it and I started cursing and I started yelling and screaming at my children. And I never want to hear from my children. This religion is nothing but old stories. And they're not
saying it because they just believe in religion. They're saying it because they're annoyed with their parents. They can't take it anymore. This needs to this conflict this tension needs to be brought down me Eliza which will make us wiser parents and what and more obedient children may Allah azza wa jal soften the hearts of both parents and children towards a less Deen And may Allah azza wa jal ease the suffering of the families that are having problems with their children and realize that we didn't give the children the sense and the guidance to come back and make Toba barakallahu li walakum filled carotid Hakim when finally we are
hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam O Allah anybody Latina Safa Hussain, Allah, Allah him Mahatma Nabina Muhammad, meanwhile Allah Allah He was a big marine yaku la hora de gente Kitab al Karim bada Nakula rubella him in a condo regime in de la Mola. eketahuna soluna Allah nebbia you Hello Dina amanu sallu alayhi wa sallam Otis Lima Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Allah Allah Allah Mohammed gamma salata, Allah Rahim Ali Ibrahim al al Ameen in the middle Majeed Allahumma barik ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed gamma Baraka Ibrahim Ibrahim al al amin in Dhaka Jaime de Madrid, about de la rahima como la la in the La Jolla neurobiologically. With Shan eater if you want her annual fashion he will
mooncup what are the Corolla he about? For La Jolla la Motta center on a peninsula in the salata callate Mini Nikita makuta