Naima B. Robert – Biggest Intimacy Challenges Faced Muslim Couples
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One of the books I would recommend for
this, by the way, is a secular text
that's very spiritual in nature. And when I
say spiritual in nature,
I think she actually, technically, is a Christian.
She's called Brene Brown. I'm sure you've heard
about it. Yeah. Yeah.
And it's called rising strong. Men and women
can listen to this audiobook, and it should
be a game changer for people in terms
of how vulnerable they present in their relationship
with their spouse.
The biggest challenge, would you say,
that couples are facing
behind closed doors, what would you say it
is?
I think it's probably the inability to communicate
effectively.
Mhmm. And that's, like, across the board, not
just about intimacy because that does
I think people,
they struggle to be vulnerable.
And one of the books I would recommend
for this, by the way, is a secular
text that's very spiritual in nature. And when
I say spiritual in nature,
I think she actually technically is a Christian.
She's called Brene Brown. I'm sure you've heard
about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's called
Rising Strong. Men and women can listen to
this audiobook, and it should be a game
changer for people in terms of how vulnerable
they present in their relationship with their spouse,
how we make that safe,
how both partners are probably making up a
story about what they think the other person's
thinking half the time. I'm jumping to an
assumption, which causes lots of arguments and resentment
and regret and all that kind of stuff.
And she talks very honestly about her own
journey with that with her own husband. Yeah.
And I I don't need to, you know,
preach to the converted, so to speak, about
that. Because
it's called Daring Greatly, I'll say it again,
and it's by Brene Brown. And it's like
8 hours of audio book, and I recommend
it. And I'm not getting any kind of
commission for that.
Spiritually for me,
my husband's not listened to the whole book,
I don't think, but he found it. Because
men don't like therapy either, like, traditionally. So
it's like a mm-mm. Men don't really they
don't need that. It's like you definitely don't.
It's hard enough to get women into therapy
when they need it. You know, getting men
into therapy is even harder.
But giving them personal development projects, if you
like,
of anything. Because I'm like, any kind of
spirituality is personal development. Right? It's like once
I don't need to, explain that to you.
That book
is so practical.
It's a way of constantly analyzing
why am I triggered right now, actually. Mhmm.
I'm on the military. What's going on with
me? Yeah. What's going on with me? What's
the story I'm telling myself?
I love that question. Yeah.
Is like, the whole essence of Islam, right,
is, like, it's one big personal development journey.
I mean, you're married to somebody else who's
also on a personal development journey, but you
need to be very vigilant on yourself. And
if you know that you might not have
said something in the best way or you
could have said it better or you may
even owe an apology,
don't hold back apologising. Just No. Apologize in
whichever way you apologize. You know, verbally, it'd
be great, but some people do it in
other ways, of course,
acknowledging the mistake.
But in intimacy, it's like
there really is a debilitating
element of that. Like, they feel like they're
directly hurting.
How do you communicate your needs? How do
you communicate
how truly satisfied you are or you aren't?
Now you think the nonverbal stuff usually confirms
that, and it does it does a lot
of the time. But a lot of women
are coming out of,
you know, an intimate interaction if you like.
Not feeling fulfilled and still feeling like they've
got no voice with it. Again, I recommend
Habib Akande's books for that.
And one's called Women of Desire. The other
one is called A Taste of Honey. That's
definitely a 2 person book, and the other
one is called Coniaza, I think it is.
Something like that. Mhmm. The re I'm getting
no commission for that either, but the reason
I'm mentioning it is because these books are
literally transformative. And I don't need to tell
you how rooted this is in
Islamic tradition because he's done all that research
for you to look at. Check the references
yourself if you're, like, you're, like, kind of,
you're a Muslim. You feel like you need
that to leave and all that kind of
stuff.
It really is,
incredible stuff that he's put together there for
us all to benefit from. I'm truly grateful
for it.
Because I've even had women
who,
so I I've had one lady, and she's
given me permission to anonymise her
and, talk a little bit about her experience.
So she got married as a virgin.
This is something we've not touched on properly
yet, I don't think, or maybe not gone
into very deeply. Well, we did a little
bit, but
and
she came from a different cultural background to
the chap she got married to. The chap
had been married before, and on the wedding
night, even though he knew she was a
virgin, he did absolutely no foreplay with her
whatsoever.
Nothing.
And, obviously, there's a lot of anxiety around
losing your virginity anyway. That's why a lot
of non Muslims end up losing it drunk
or high. Or, you know, there's a lot
of and you can see why they end
up doing that. Not that not that they
should,
but Yeah. It naturally is a Geisha fitter.
Right? They shouldn't be doing it in the
1st place, so they do something to numb
that kind of alarm bell that's going off
inside the sole. So you knew we're doing
this.
Yeah.
And really sadly so, they weren't able to
consummate the marriage, and they were married for
a few years. And she developed a condition
called vaginismus
Yeah. Which, I'm sure you've heard of before.
So she literally, psychologically,
subconsciously,
her muscles are contracting in the wall above
her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's clamping
down, and there's just no way,
even with an erect penis that they're able
to, consummate that marriage. He ends up screaming
at her a few times, telling her she's
weird, and, they ended up not married, obviously.
Sorry. How long how long was that situation?
How long were they together? They were married
for about 2 or 3 years. Oh, no.
Oh, so panel