Naima B. Robert – Biggest Intimacy Challenges Faced Muslim Couples

One of the books I would recommend for

this, by the way, is a secular text

that's very spiritual in nature. And when I

say spiritual in nature,

I think she actually, technically, is a Christian.

She's called Brene Brown. I'm sure you've heard

about it. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's called rising strong. Men and women

can listen to this audiobook, and it should

be a game changer for people in terms

of how vulnerable they present in their relationship

with their spouse.

The biggest challenge, would you say,

that couples are facing

behind closed doors, what would you say it

is?

I think it's probably the inability to communicate

effectively.

Mhmm. And that's, like, across the board, not

just about intimacy because that does

I think people,

they struggle to be vulnerable.

And one of the books I would recommend

for this, by the way, is a secular

text that's very spiritual in nature. And when

I say spiritual in nature,

I think she actually technically is a Christian.

She's called Brene Brown. I'm sure you've heard

about it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's called

Rising Strong. Men and women can listen to

this audiobook, and it should be a game

changer for people in terms of how vulnerable

they present in their relationship with their spouse,

how we make that safe,

how both partners are probably making up a

story about what they think the other person's

thinking half the time. I'm jumping to an

assumption, which causes lots of arguments and resentment

and regret and all that kind of stuff.

And she talks very honestly about her own

journey with that with her own husband. Yeah.

And I I don't need to, you know,

preach to the converted, so to speak, about

that. Because

it's called Daring Greatly, I'll say it again,

and it's by Brene Brown. And it's like

8 hours of audio book, and I recommend

it. And I'm not getting any kind of

commission for that.

Spiritually for me,

my husband's not listened to the whole book,

I don't think, but he found it. Because

men don't like therapy either, like, traditionally. So

it's like a mm-mm. Men don't really they

don't need that. It's like you definitely don't.

It's hard enough to get women into therapy

when they need it. You know, getting men

into therapy is even harder.

But giving them personal development projects, if you

like,

of anything. Because I'm like, any kind of

spirituality is personal development. Right? It's like once

I don't need to, explain that to you.

That book

is so practical.

It's a way of constantly analyzing

why am I triggered right now, actually. Mhmm.

I'm on the military. What's going on with

me? Yeah. What's going on with me? What's

the story I'm telling myself?

I love that question. Yeah.

Is like, the whole essence of Islam, right,

is, like, it's one big personal development journey.

I mean, you're married to somebody else who's

also on a personal development journey, but you

need to be very vigilant on yourself. And

if you know that you might not have

said something in the best way or you

could have said it better or you may

even owe an apology,

don't hold back apologising. Just No. Apologize in

whichever way you apologize. You know, verbally, it'd

be great, but some people do it in

other ways, of course,

acknowledging the mistake.

But in intimacy, it's like

there really is a debilitating

element of that. Like, they feel like they're

directly hurting.

How do you communicate your needs? How do

you communicate

how truly satisfied you are or you aren't?

Now you think the nonverbal stuff usually confirms

that, and it does it does a lot

of the time. But a lot of women

are coming out of,

you know, an intimate interaction if you like.

Not feeling fulfilled and still feeling like they've

got no voice with it. Again, I recommend

Habib Akande's books for that.

And one's called Women of Desire. The other

one is called A Taste of Honey. That's

definitely a 2 person book, and the other

one is called Coniaza, I think it is.

Something like that. Mhmm. The re I'm getting

no commission for that either, but the reason

I'm mentioning it is because these books are

literally transformative. And I don't need to tell

you how rooted this is in

Islamic tradition because he's done all that research

for you to look at. Check the references

yourself if you're, like, you're, like, kind of,

you're a Muslim. You feel like you need

that to leave and all that kind of

stuff.

It really is,

incredible stuff that he's put together there for

us all to benefit from. I'm truly grateful

for it.

Because I've even had women

who,

so I I've had one lady, and she's

given me permission to anonymise her

and, talk a little bit about her experience.

So she got married as a virgin.

This is something we've not touched on properly

yet, I don't think, or maybe not gone

into very deeply. Well, we did a little

bit, but

and

she came from a different cultural background to

the chap she got married to. The chap

had been married before, and on the wedding

night, even though he knew she was a

virgin, he did absolutely no foreplay with her

whatsoever.

Nothing.

And, obviously, there's a lot of anxiety around

losing your virginity anyway. That's why a lot

of non Muslims end up losing it drunk

or high. Or, you know, there's a lot

of and you can see why they end

up doing that. Not that not that they

should,

but Yeah. It naturally is a Geisha fitter.

Right? They shouldn't be doing it in the

1st place, so they do something to numb

that kind of alarm bell that's going off

inside the sole. So you knew we're doing

this.

Yeah.

And really sadly so, they weren't able to

consummate the marriage, and they were married for

a few years. And she developed a condition

called vaginismus

Yeah. Which, I'm sure you've heard of before.

So she literally, psychologically,

subconsciously,

her muscles are contracting in the wall above

her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's clamping

down, and there's just no way,

even with an erect penis that they're able

to, consummate that marriage. He ends up screaming

at her a few times, telling her she's

weird, and, they ended up not married, obviously.

Sorry. How long how long was that situation?

How long were they together? They were married

for about 2 or 3 years. Oh, no.

Oh, so panel