Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim for Life Behind Closed Doors AminahJayne O’Rourke

Okay. So I think

you're right about the high sexualisation of everything

and there being not a lot that we

can do about that. Being aware of yourself,

how it's affecting you is a really important

one.

Because it's something I've been pondering on a

lot recently, asking myself in relation to women

who have

extremely high * drive compared to the husbands,

which would not expect stereotypically. Right?

I'm not judging anybody. I'm asking myself

how much consumption

of whatever's going on around them

is feeding into that. Right?

Wow. Because while

while I am all for, you know, if

it's an everyday thing in your house, it

should be an everyday thing in your house.

Enjoy it. And, you know, it's halal and

masha'Allah, and may Allah preserve you both.

2 things come up for me. 1 is,

you know, as you say,

if you feel, you know, fulfilled,

you're fulfilled.

You know, there isn't a checklist. Right? But

I think there's, there's a situation where

nobody talks about what happens behind closed doors

and you are none the wiser. Yeah. So

of course, you know, I don't know when

that would have been because I know that

back home and back in the day, people

talked, you know, even if it was in

the hamam

or, you know, when they have their ladies

coming together, the henna night, you know, people

drop things. Right? But

there would have been

a sense of, okay, I may have a

hint, but I I don't know what's really

going on. Right?

So that's that was then.

Now we have a situation where I think

probably in more practicing communities, right, where there

isn't that kind

of sensual,

like open sensuality

between women.

I look at,

cultures like Moroccan culture, for example.

Moroccan culture culture is very sensual. Right?

But when Moroccans start practicing Islam,

they do not bring the sensuality with them.

They typically will kind of leave that, you

know, leave that, you know, when they start

practicing and, and kind of, you know, being

stricter with their, with their deen, often, practicing

and and kind of, you know, being stricter

with their with their dean, often they will

feel like

there isn't room here for that kind of

kind of that kind of exchange. Anyway

so then you have a situation where

no one is talking about anything,

In which case you've got no idea whether

it's, it's, you know, is this normal? Is

this not normal? Should I be doing this?

Should I be having that? You know, how

should it be feeding? How should I be

doing? And if your mother and your aunties

and your older sisters

are also not talking to you and your

friends, you're too shy to ask them because

you feel that this is this is haram

and you don't want them to, to, to,

to fall into haram, then you are in

a silo. Right?

However,

the society that we live in

is so

hyper sexualized.

And we can't avoid that. You know? I

mean, I'm not a Game of Thrones person,

but I heard about Game of Thrones. You

never do. You never seen an episode, but

I feel like I know the characters.

And I've heard about it. Right? And, anyway,

anytime you see, a new series come out,

films that come out, even music videos, you

know, if you might

see them, you know, adverts just all around

us.

There is this hypersexualized

culture and it's like, you know, if you

are in any way knowledgeable about that, you're

hearing words, you're hearing terms, you're hearing positions,

you're hearing of all this stuff that's happening

out there.

And I wonder how many of our sisters,

maybe brothers too, but I think, you know,

talking primarily about sisters,

wonder whether they are doing it right, whether

they're

supposed to be doing what they see

that person doing or wearing what that person

is wearing, or maybe * is supposed to

be this way or that way or this

way. What what what is it that sisters

are are are are sharing with you in

that regard?

Okay. So I think

you're right

about the hypersexualization

of everything and there being not a lot

that we can do about that. Being aware

of yourself, how it's affecting you is a

really important one. Because it's something I've been

pondering on a lot recently, asking myself in

relation to women who have

extremely high * drive compared to the husbands,

which would not expect stereotypically.

Right?

I'm not judging anybody. I'm asking myself

how much consumption

of whatever's going on around them

is feeding into that. Right? Wow. Because while

while I am all for, you know, if

it's an everyday thing in your house, it

should be an everyday thing in your house.

Enjoy it. And, you know, it's halal and

masha'Allah, and may Allah preserve you both. And

I mean I mean, long

life, both of you, I mean. I mean.

But if it is literally dominating your every

thoughts every day and causing you a level

of anxiety, you're actually teetering on addiction there.

That's really important to be aware of in

terms of what you're scrolling through

because I know that I only follow, for

example, on Instagram.

Well-being related pages on my business page and

inspirational speakers and things like that. But on

my personal page, I'll follow some foodie things,

you know. Mhmm. But if I go on

the discover page, it doesn't take more than

a couple of scrolls up before there's some

some nakedness there. Right? And I'm talking about

not I'm not talking about no headscarf on.

I'm talking about

proper nakedness. Instagram nakedness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like,

the peeking and stuff like this. And I'm

like, how's that ended up there? Like, how's

that cooking into my kinda thing? Like, what's

it doing there? And then you've got, like,

really religious people either side of them, you

know, because it's like it's a grid. Right?

Yeah. And,

you know, people see these things,

and they are either informed

or disheartened

by it. Yeah. You know? They might,

you know, see the way somebody's moving and

think I can't even move like that. So

it's a real That's a good one. That

is really,

really,

really interesting.

Come on, please. It's a real double edged

sword, though, isn't it? Right? So it's either,

like, inspiration

for the halal. So it's like, if you

go back to the hadith of the prophet

salallahu alayhi wasalam, and forgive me. I am

paraphrasing here.

And I stand openly be corrected by anybody

who who wants to correct me on this.

When a man sees a woman,

whether it's online,

whether it's in the street, or whether it's

in the shop, or at work, or wherever,

he's all he's he was commanded by the

prophet to immediately go home and make love

to his wife. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And we

know what the the sense in that is.

I I know of women where their husbands

have done that. The women have come to

me and told me, and they've been disgusted

by the fact that their husband's seen somebody

else that he likes. And I'm like, but

he did the best thing.

I'm trying to explain.

The cycle, he actually made the best decision

he could make in that scenario.

They're so abhorred by the fact he's even

seen somebody else. But this is society. We

have to. We have to have a level

with this. So going back to your your

original question, sorry, about, you know, them seeing

these pieces of media and have sexualization.

That's the truth. In the absence of Oh,

wow. Adequate Muslim * education for young people,

They are seeking education in *. And when

you hear about some of the stories about

women being hurt,

physically hurt, and then obviously psychologically hurt, And

the husbands might not have intended to hurt

them that way, but they've seen something. And

they think that's how you do it. Right?

Because Yeah. There's so much shame in asking

for help.

And that's part of the post colonial hangover,

if you like, if you wanna call it

something else. I don't know. Maybe we've got

a better term for it than that. But,

you know, the hangover of colonialism and why

I talked about that prudish prudish attitude coming

in probably

18th century, if you like Mhmm. Onwards.

You know, before that, Muslim communities tended to,

in the Arabian peninsula at least, have open,

honest conversations about these things. Habiba Kande talks

about 1 woman in a book, and I

can't remember her name.

And she's on her way back from Umrah.

Allah forgive me for not memorizing the name.

I should have memorized it. And Othman,

was the may Allah be pleased with him,

was the caliph at the time.

And she's on the she's in the caravan,

should I say. She's on her camel, and

she's obviously got drapes around during things like

this. Mhmm. And, her husband,

looks at her in a way, and she

looks at him in a way, and they

know what they want to do

on the camel. Right?

I know. Right? I'm just like, I I

wanna say how I wanna I wanna say,

let me stand near a camel and say

how. Right?

But Usman himself, while we're pleased with him,

is walking past her her,

camel on his camel

and hears her.

And he doesn't bat an eyelid because he

knows what's going on is completely halal.

You know, she's with her husband.

Wow. We really

we don't know about these stories because we've

not be you know? And it's important that

we do. Why?

Because so many people are

suppressing themselves so much. I mean, think about

all the people who are living in houses

with in laws, you know, mother and family-in-law,

brother-in-law, sister-in-law. And I get economically, it's gotta

be the one of the best as a

convert, I'm like, this is the best economic

for every Muslim family. And I see lots

of women obviously unhappy in the whole mother-in-law

scenario. That's another conversation for another day.