Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim for Life Behind Closed Doors AminahJayne O’Rourke
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Okay. So I think
you're right about the high sexualisation of everything
and there being not a lot that we
can do about that. Being aware of yourself,
how it's affecting you is a really important
one.
Because it's something I've been pondering on a
lot recently, asking myself in relation to women
who have
extremely high * drive compared to the husbands,
which would not expect stereotypically. Right?
I'm not judging anybody. I'm asking myself
how much consumption
of whatever's going on around them
is feeding into that. Right?
Wow. Because while
while I am all for, you know, if
it's an everyday thing in your house, it
should be an everyday thing in your house.
Enjoy it. And, you know, it's halal and
masha'Allah, and may Allah preserve you both.
2 things come up for me. 1 is,
you know, as you say,
if you feel, you know, fulfilled,
you're fulfilled.
You know, there isn't a checklist. Right? But
I think there's, there's a situation where
nobody talks about what happens behind closed doors
and you are none the wiser. Yeah. So
of course, you know, I don't know when
that would have been because I know that
back home and back in the day, people
talked, you know, even if it was in
the hamam
or, you know, when they have their ladies
coming together, the henna night, you know, people
drop things. Right? But
there would have been
a sense of, okay, I may have a
hint, but I I don't know what's really
going on. Right?
So that's that was then.
Now we have a situation where I think
probably in more practicing communities, right, where there
isn't that kind
of sensual,
like open sensuality
between women.
I look at,
cultures like Moroccan culture, for example.
Moroccan culture culture is very sensual. Right?
But when Moroccans start practicing Islam,
they do not bring the sensuality with them.
They typically will kind of leave that, you
know, leave that, you know, when they start
practicing and, and kind of, you know, being
stricter with their, with their deen, often, practicing
and and kind of, you know, being stricter
with their with their dean, often they will
feel like
there isn't room here for that kind of
kind of that kind of exchange. Anyway
so then you have a situation where
no one is talking about anything,
In which case you've got no idea whether
it's, it's, you know, is this normal? Is
this not normal? Should I be doing this?
Should I be having that? You know, how
should it be feeding? How should I be
doing? And if your mother and your aunties
and your older sisters
are also not talking to you and your
friends, you're too shy to ask them because
you feel that this is this is haram
and you don't want them to, to, to,
to fall into haram, then you are in
a silo. Right?
However,
the society that we live in
is so
hyper sexualized.
And we can't avoid that. You know? I
mean, I'm not a Game of Thrones person,
but I heard about Game of Thrones. You
never do. You never seen an episode, but
I feel like I know the characters.
And I've heard about it. Right? And, anyway,
anytime you see, a new series come out,
films that come out, even music videos, you
know, if you might
see them, you know, adverts just all around
us.
There is this hypersexualized
culture and it's like, you know, if you
are in any way knowledgeable about that, you're
hearing words, you're hearing terms, you're hearing positions,
you're hearing of all this stuff that's happening
out there.
And I wonder how many of our sisters,
maybe brothers too, but I think, you know,
talking primarily about sisters,
wonder whether they are doing it right, whether
they're
supposed to be doing what they see
that person doing or wearing what that person
is wearing, or maybe * is supposed to
be this way or that way or this
way. What what what is it that sisters
are are are are sharing with you in
that regard?
Okay. So I think
you're right
about the hypersexualization
of everything and there being not a lot
that we can do about that. Being aware
of yourself, how it's affecting you is a
really important one. Because it's something I've been
pondering on a lot recently, asking myself in
relation to women who have
extremely high * drive compared to the husbands,
which would not expect stereotypically.
Right?
I'm not judging anybody. I'm asking myself
how much consumption
of whatever's going on around them
is feeding into that. Right? Wow. Because while
while I am all for, you know, if
it's an everyday thing in your house, it
should be an everyday thing in your house.
Enjoy it. And, you know, it's halal and
masha'Allah, and may Allah preserve you both. And
I mean I mean, long
life, both of you, I mean. I mean.
But if it is literally dominating your every
thoughts every day and causing you a level
of anxiety, you're actually teetering on addiction there.
That's really important to be aware of in
terms of what you're scrolling through
because I know that I only follow, for
example, on Instagram.
Well-being related pages on my business page and
inspirational speakers and things like that. But on
my personal page, I'll follow some foodie things,
you know. Mhmm. But if I go on
the discover page, it doesn't take more than
a couple of scrolls up before there's some
some nakedness there. Right? And I'm talking about
not I'm not talking about no headscarf on.
I'm talking about
proper nakedness. Instagram nakedness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like,
the peeking and stuff like this. And I'm
like, how's that ended up there? Like, how's
that cooking into my kinda thing? Like, what's
it doing there? And then you've got, like,
really religious people either side of them, you
know, because it's like it's a grid. Right?
Yeah. And,
you know, people see these things,
and they are either informed
or disheartened
by it. Yeah. You know? They might,
you know, see the way somebody's moving and
think I can't even move like that. So
it's a real That's a good one. That
is really,
really,
really interesting.
Come on, please. It's a real double edged
sword, though, isn't it? Right? So it's either,
like, inspiration
for the halal. So it's like, if you
go back to the hadith of the prophet
salallahu alayhi wasalam, and forgive me. I am
paraphrasing here.
And I stand openly be corrected by anybody
who who wants to correct me on this.
When a man sees a woman,
whether it's online,
whether it's in the street, or whether it's
in the shop, or at work, or wherever,
he's all he's he was commanded by the
prophet to immediately go home and make love
to his wife. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And we
know what the the sense in that is.
I I know of women where their husbands
have done that. The women have come to
me and told me, and they've been disgusted
by the fact that their husband's seen somebody
else that he likes. And I'm like, but
he did the best thing.
I'm trying to explain.
The cycle, he actually made the best decision
he could make in that scenario.
They're so abhorred by the fact he's even
seen somebody else. But this is society. We
have to. We have to have a level
with this. So going back to your your
original question, sorry, about, you know, them seeing
these pieces of media and have sexualization.
That's the truth. In the absence of Oh,
wow. Adequate Muslim * education for young people,
They are seeking education in *. And when
you hear about some of the stories about
women being hurt,
physically hurt, and then obviously psychologically hurt, And
the husbands might not have intended to hurt
them that way, but they've seen something. And
they think that's how you do it. Right?
Because Yeah. There's so much shame in asking
for help.
And that's part of the post colonial hangover,
if you like, if you wanna call it
something else. I don't know. Maybe we've got
a better term for it than that. But,
you know, the hangover of colonialism and why
I talked about that prudish prudish attitude coming
in probably
18th century, if you like Mhmm. Onwards.
You know, before that, Muslim communities tended to,
in the Arabian peninsula at least, have open,
honest conversations about these things. Habiba Kande talks
about 1 woman in a book, and I
can't remember her name.
And she's on her way back from Umrah.
Allah forgive me for not memorizing the name.
I should have memorized it. And Othman,
was the may Allah be pleased with him,
was the caliph at the time.
And she's on the she's in the caravan,
should I say. She's on her camel, and
she's obviously got drapes around during things like
this. Mhmm. And, her husband,
looks at her in a way, and she
looks at him in a way, and they
know what they want to do
on the camel. Right?
I know. Right? I'm just like, I I
wanna say how I wanna I wanna say,
let me stand near a camel and say
how. Right?
But Usman himself, while we're pleased with him,
is walking past her her,
camel on his camel
and hears her.
And he doesn't bat an eyelid because he
knows what's going on is completely halal.
You know, she's with her husband.
Wow. We really
we don't know about these stories because we've
not be you know? And it's important that
we do. Why?
Because so many people are
suppressing themselves so much. I mean, think about
all the people who are living in houses
with in laws, you know, mother and family-in-law,
brother-in-law, sister-in-law. And I get economically, it's gotta
be the one of the best as a
convert, I'm like, this is the best economic
for every Muslim family. And I see lots
of women obviously unhappy in the whole mother-in-law
scenario. That's another conversation for another day.