Family Issues #08 – What to look for in a Spouse

Today inshallah I want to talk about an issue again, seeing in the community and once again, this is a, an issue that's coming up to me many times during phone calls during meetings. And I think again, once again, we have to really understand what our deen is about and when we have our deen when we understand our deen, then we can stay away from issues that we already or mistakes or problems that we are committing and causing in our society. The very first thing I do want to say is that when you study the mythos of the Sharia, the objectives are *ty either or five objectives of Sharia. And one of those objectives of Sharia is the protection of your deen meaning that there are some certain

things that Allah subhanho wa Taala has made halal, and there are some things that ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala has made haram and the reason why Allah subhanho wa Taala made them Haram is because if they are not made haram then there is there is potentially a chance to where you can lose your deen so that is why for example even one day because the shadow area is the protection of the aka the protection of the intellect. So anything that can compromise the intellect Allah subhanho wa Taala has made the Haram and at likewise if anything can compromise your deen and anything that can take you away from your deen Allah subhanho wa Taala has made haram that's number one. Number two is

Allah subhanho wa Taala makes it very clear in the Quran. Yeah, you have Lavina Amanullah to cut them obey they get the lie. What are soo Lee what up Allah? What every single affair every single matter of life, Allah subhanho wa Taala has created a boundary. That boundary is the Quran and the Sunnah that boundary is basically you're not able to cross that boundary. When you cross that boundary. This is exactly what Allah is saying, Do not go forward, glad to Kadeem obey the law he was truly he did not ever go in front of Allah and His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, if they have created a boundary that we have to stay within that we have to stay within that for our own

protection purposes. Just like a parent, a parent doesn't sit there and explain the hikma and the logic behind every single rule in the house. They understand that for the protection of my child, I'm going to put certain rules in place because I understand my child and by the way, my child is not like every other child. So that is why they put certain rules in place. As children a lot of times growing up we always ask we question our parents. But Subhanallah when we become older, we begin to appreciate our parents, we thank them for they put that they put those boundaries and those restrictions in place. Likewise, later on, you begin to understand why Allah subhanho wa Taala has

made certain things highlight and why he has made certain things haram, the issue that I want to address today now that we have we understood that hadith the Prophet SAW Selim, and we understand the Muslim Sharia and the ayat from the Quran. Now we get into the real crux of the issue where I want to talk about today, and that is when it comes to marriages, between our family, our community members, there are some very key issues that we are seeing. The very first thing is the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has made it very clear, has made it very clear that if you see deen and Holub if you see deen and Allah within a person, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says,

especially addressing the family of the girl, that if you see a man who's coming, proposing for your daughter's hand in marriage, and they have been in a flock that you should give them your daughter what for so we do have a letter for alutech conflict that don't fit already with Assad on RDS Oh, Kabir This is the Prophet sallallahu are your sons word that give them your daughter. And if when you don't give your daughter these kinds of people, then this is what causes issues in our community in our society. At the same time when it comes to the man looking for a wife, the Prophet sallahu WA, has made it very clear also, that a woman is married for what four reasons right? We've heard

this before. She's either married because of our deen her. Her, her beauty, her lineage, her wealth, the Prophet sallallahu it was some he say he said what he says forbidden Dean give preference to that, which is the most important thing which is Dean. So when a man is going and looking for a potential spouse, the most important thing he should look at is Dean. And by the way, the Prophet sallallahu it was some he did not say you ignore the others. Many times I've had to explain this to the youth. There is nothing wrong in looking at the beauty you have to look at the beauty. If that is if the beauty of that person is not attractive to you. Then after marriage, you're going to look

elsewhere around your eyes are going to wander elsewhere. That is why you should look at beauty you should look at other things. That is why he especially in the Hanafi school of thought there is something called Khufu there is something called compatibility that has to be maintained something that we should pay attention to. But the point is

that in this situation, what happens is that we pay, you know, we we pay attention to the dean, and the other things can be looked at. But the dean is the criteria, the main criteria. So for the man, the problem is someone has laid out the guidelines for the woman, Allah. So the problem is our solemn has laid out the guidelines. So we understand those guidelines. And by the way, we should always keep those guidelines, when it comes for the woman getting married to a man, Dean and HOLC are the two most important things. But besides that, you can look at some other things you can look at how do they conduct their affairs? are they responsible? Do they have a job? Or are they

financially stable or not? These are things of course, you can look at, you just don't look at only dienen o'clock and say, You know what, that is it D o'clock is the most important criteria, then after that there are some other factors you can pay attention to. Now, we come to some other issues now. And that is that is a Muslim man allowed to marry a Kitabi woman. And while we find this in the Quran, that the Quran has made it very clear that yes, you are a man is allowed to marry a Kitabi woman. Although this is permissible in the Quran, the old man have refrained from that. And Allah might have said stay away from it. In fact, in the time of photography, Allah wine, he would

generally refrain, and he would journey as the Muslim men to avoid marrying a woman of someone who comes from the people of the book, a Jew or a Christian, or Munakata would generally tell everyone the community to stay away from that for two reasons. Number one is he's not wanting to become a primary practice. Number two is if you marry if all the Muslim men marry Kitabi woman, what's going to happen to our Muslim girls? It's a question right? What's gonna happen to our Muslim women, if you get married to all if you get married, you Kitabi women. And by the way, a long time ago, we're talking about the timeless The Hobbit or the Allahu anhu, they had a high quality of being, they had

a lot of religiosity in their life. So what happens is that even when they would journey marry, than they were able to teach, they were an inspiration. They were an inspiration for their wives. And that is why this you know, this is something that's very important that while we see so many of our youth today, so many of our youth, boys, Muslim boys running towards this, we have to teach them that once again, we go back to the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the four things you look at when it comes to a wife, does she have Dean or not? And the answer is, if they are a Kitabi. Woman, they don't have Dean. Yes, you are allowed to marry. But is that the

recommendation? That's not the recommendation. As a Muslim, we should always go for what what is the recommendation of Allah and His Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, that is what's recommended, this is not necessarily recommended, what is allowed what is recommended. Now, on the flip side, subhanAllah, you'll be shocked when I say this, that there are tons of people. And there are people in when I say overall society all over America, that they feel, and they you know, subhanAllah I've read stories and articles, where you have a Muslim woman wanting to marry a non Muslim man. And when they are looking for an Imam, to officiate their marriage, they find it extremely difficult to find

an Imam, because majority of the Imams are saying we don't believe in this kind of marriage. This is a marriage that's against the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW Salem, but Subhana wa, they go around, they go around, and then they will find one or two people in the entire United States who will say I will conduct this marriage. And because it's now becoming more and more common, that you don't necessarily have to be an Imam, to conduct an ICA in the marriage. As long as you know the process, you can go in and conduct a marriage. So what they're not doing is that some of these Muslim women who want to get married to non Muslim men, they're finding all these people online, who

don't even have a lick of religion in their life. They have no sense of religion in their life. And what they're doing is they're going and they're spreading online, that we are people who do interfaith marriages, and what's their premise? Their premise is that these ayat of the Quran related to the subject of Nica and marriage, their cultural, they're not religious, they're not something that we have to maintain this for eternity. This is something that Allah may Allah did reveal. It was for a certain time a certain group of people, but it does not exist after that. And their premise is that if a woman loves another man, this love is put in whose heart is in their

heart, by who by Allah subhanho wa taala. If Allah has put their love in their heart, then why should we go against love? I mean, this is the biggest issue that we find today. In the name of love. Let's cross all the boundaries of Islam. Let's cross all the boundaries that had been set by

Allah subhanho wa Taala and the Prophet sallallahu ala he would send them. And this is why especially especially when it comes to the feminist of our time, they have this argument that if Allah this is their way of saying that Allah is in unjust, this is their way of Allah. So I'm saying that Allah subhana wa Taala is not fair. They're saying that if Allah can permit a man to get married to a Kitabi woman, but not allow a woman to get married to a non Muslim man, this is unfair. Subhanallah once again, why do I say what I said earlier that when Allah has said that I made something Haram is for our benefit. And when a woman gets married, a Muslim woman gets married to a

non Muslim man, then the chances of her maintaining her Deen holding on to her Deen are very slim Wallahi I've seen many, many stories, many stories where a man got married to a god. I mean, there's dozens of cases. But the point is that he got married to these kinds of people. Why because there are people of the book and so forth. Once again, Allah subhanaw taala has made it haram. And even if a person comes and says, In the name of love, by the way, when those people say in the name of love, how did the love develop is not like you saw that person at first sight and you fell in love, they began to be you know, they start to talk to each other, then they start getting closer and closer

and closer, and then their connection is so deep. Their connection is so deep, that net now to get away from each other becomes difficult, then at that time, then there is love, because some Haram has had been committed. And then they say that this is love, this is not love, you crossed the boundaries of Islam. And now there is love, don't put this on Allah subhanho wa taala. This is because of your doing. Now we come to the third category. And that is what is a very important category. And that is that what about especially when it comes to our Muslim brothers, and especially when it comes to our brothers and sisters who have converted to Islam. And I have to be

very blunt when I say when I went when I say this, that it is the responsibility of the man or of the woman, either one who is a born Muslim, that they should have a certain level of religiosity in their life, so that they can teach the others. So many times I've seen that one is getting married to a convert, whether it's a man getting married to a convent woman, or vice versa, and they have no religion in their life. And it makes me wonder that how is one guarantees the other one theme. So let's talk about the first category, the first scenario where you have a Muslim man marrying a a convert woman. So usually what happens in many cases now there are many cases I've dealt with, in

my, my, all my years as being an imam. And what I've seen is that there are so many cases where Muslim women or women who have converted to Islam, they are converts, they took their shahada, and now you have Muslim men coming forward and saying, I want to marry you. The most important thing that we have to understand is for that man, that first of all, you need to have a certain level of religiosity in your life. And number two is you have to be the one teaching her Deen. What I have seen is in most cases, that there are so many cases where women have come forward convert women have come forward where they have gotten married to some Muslim men in the community. And few years

later, they come back and they're crying will lie they're crying. And what are they saying? They're saying that if this is what Islam is, I don't want to be married to this man and I want to give him my Deen. And I've said to those women so many times that this is not what Islam is you maintain your deen. But there are so many cases where women have come forward and said that our husbands mistreat us. And what happens is that in that particular situation, many of these convert women, they end up leaving Islam. And I will tell you this between men and women, the Convert men and the Convert women, for the most part is the Convert women who are more dedicated or the it's the Convert women

who are more dedicated to their Deen. So if a convert woman comes forward and says okay, I will marry you marrying a man, but then he does not treat her well does not teach her Deen abuses her and so forth. I've seen so many women that they're on the verge of leaving Deen. And in fact, if they have not left, left, left, Dean, they have left out some of the important aspects of them. They don't praise a lot anymore. They don't do a job anymore. They don't care about halal and haram anymore. Yes, they are by name Muslim, but they have crossed all the other boundaries. Why? Because this Muslim man was not a good inspiration for them. And that is why when we go back to the seat of

the Prophet sallallahu it was setting up these Muslim men if they got married to a convert woman, then they will teach them Deen they will be an inspiration for them when we understand Subhanallah the story of OMA

The story of Omotola and the her story when she got married and so forth, what did she say all that I want from my husband is I wanted to become a Muslim and she was an inspiration for him. So that is why it's very important that when a convert woman comes forward, and a Muslim man wants to get married to her than he has to be, he has to teach her what deen is. Now, we also have and what I've been doing a lot of I've been doing this because these kinds of knickers a lot in the last one here, where you have Muslim women who are getting married to convert, convert men, and once again, convert mental part of our community. But there are some issues that we're seeing with this number one is

there a lot of cases where men are converting to Islam, just for the sake of that marriage. And this is problematic. Well, law he this is problematic. Why? Because if the man is not on his Deen, if he's getting married, if he's taking the shahada, only because of this, then the chances of them to maintain their deen is very slim. There are cases where I've seen where the woman does not have a lot of Deen. But now she's coming forward and saying, I want to get married to a guy. And the guy comes forward. And the parents are saying, You know what, you are not a Muslim, you cannot, we cannot give our daughter to you, you have to become a Muslim. So the guy goes, Okay, I'll become a

Muslim, and they're becoming Muslim on the spot?

Or is it becoming Islam perhaps one day before, or one week before a one month before. And we have to understand that this is a very dangerous situation. There are cases I have seen cases I've seen where a man said, I'll take my Shahada. If this, if this is all what I have to do, in order to marry your daughter, I'll take your shahada And subhanAllah that family gave her daughter and the family was not religious, but they were Muslim. And the daughter was not very religious, she was a Muslim. But that man, he comes from a very strong religious background. And he said, You know what, I will take my Shahada. Whereas if this is all it is, I'll take the shahada And subhanAllah there are many

stories like this where that couple is no longer a Muslim. Because what that husband did was he did not he did not have conviction in his faith. And we're seeing a lot of that and happening nowadays. And that is why I always recommend the parents that if your daughter does want to get married to a convert man, once again, you have to the going back to the hadith of Roberto Salem Dena who were who Luca, who look at Dean and look at UCLA. And by the way, there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, where he talks about a person becoming a muslim. This is a Hadith from Behati and Kitab. Eman talking about how much we word Allah subhanho wa Taala gives but there's an interesting

part of that hadith I want to share with you. The problem is that Allahu Allah He was so he says II that Islam Allah Allah do for her sunnah Islam, just just I'm gonna take only that part. The problem was so he's basically saying anyone who becomes a Muslim, and they beautify their Islam, Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive their sins such and such. But the point is, this will provide you some is paying attention to when a man becomes a Muslim. That is that all the prophets have said he said know what has sunnah Islam, he has to make his religion beautiful means that when a person said when a woman says, I want to make that convert, man, then that convert man has to be a person who has

been living with Islam, they're coming to the masjid. They are they have a certain level of religiosity in their life. Because of hon Allah you don't want to I say this, I'm not just sharing these kinds of fairy tells me that these are realities. I had a woman who came to me not long ago, a woman who came to me who said that my husband and I, we've been married for over a decade. But he's a convert. And eventually, because he did not, you know, he had a certain level of religiosity, but not a deep understanding of religion, his pre Islamic practices, again, resurfaced in his life, then he's going out and he's been with his in laws, there is no you know, there's no hijab between him

and his in laws, and he's hugging other women. And he's doing this and he's doing that. And not only that, but he's coming to his wife and saying, I love this woman, and so forth. This is something that's very common in their in their cultures, your son, but what happens is that because he is not deep in his religion, then what happens is that this becomes a very serious issue. And by the way, this is not only for women that are getting married to men, because they have to maintain it, they have to understand these kinds of things. But it's also once again, for the man getting married to a convert women that he has to look at being and so forth. If this is the woman if this woman is going

to become the mother of your children. You want your children to have a mother who's going to teach them Deen. So this is something once again, I'm not saying that our Congress brothers and sisters are part of our community, but at the same time, we have to be very careful. It's not about the person it's about being an a club. We have to look at the clock. Yes, we

A lot of Muslim men, gay men to convert women. And now we're starting to see a lot of cases where Muslim girls are getting married to convert men. And these are convert men who are taking Wallahi. I did an econ not long ago, I asked the guy, I asked the guy, and I wish I knew the situation before I asked the guy point blank. When did you take your Shahada? You know, I took my Shahada two days ago. And I'm thinking to myself, why is this Nika taking place? Why is the father even allowing this? And then I asked him, I said, that is this shahada of yours only because of this marriage? And he knew where I was going with this. He never gave me a straight answer. He never gave me a straight answer.

Now, what's this? What's going to be the state of their Deen? If the mcauslan Sherea if the objective of Sharia is to protect Deen? This is why because marriage is not just about fulfilling your desires. It's about the children that you're going to bring into this world. Are they going to be maintaining deed or not? If they're going to maintain these, they're going to be teaching them to their children, and this and this Silsila and the system will keep on going on. But if you get married to a woman who doesn't have any Dean or get married to a man who doesn't have any Dean, what's the future of Dean in your family going forward? So these are few things that we have to

understand. I ask ALLAH SubhanA without to give us Dauphine to understand these things. May Allah subhana wa Taala for our brothers and sisters who are not married May Allah subhanaw taala help them find a suitable spouse that has Deen has a club has religiosity and has all the other characteristics of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam what exactly moolah said I'm already going to live

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