Life with Children #17 Three Steps towards Effective Discipline

Musleh Khan


Channel: Musleh Khan


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So Mr. alikum, what I'm going to love you a lot of care to bismil level commando Rahim. hamdulillah Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah, Allah, He often has sought a woman, whatever. Today's a really massive topic in our series life with children or family life. Today, we're going to talk about just three tips that can help with effective discipline. Now, before we even get into those three tips, let's just talk about and define this word discipline. Because this is where the trouble begins. It's our understanding of the word discipline, many of you messaged me, and have asked me that throughout the series to talk about how to discipline children. And some of you actually have a very

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strange, warped definition of what you thought discipline was. And some of them I don't even want to mention, just because it's just in a totally different world. And so I thought to myself, maybe it is important that we talk about just what from islamically? What is discipline in our Deen? Is there even such a concept? And how is that concept exercise, especially when we're trying to teach and train our kids to be good people and good Muslims. So go back. Now, let's try to define exactly what discipline is. Discipline literally is the process of training somebody to follow rules and follow laws. And that literally means that they are in a confined perimeter or an area. And within that

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area, there are certain rules and laws to follow. That's all discipline. So you're trying to enforce those rules. So instead of having people doing whatever they want, you give them laws, you give them regulations, so that way, you can keep some sense of order, right. And this is why one of the words in Arabic to describe discipline is Nirvana. And Nirvana literally means a system that you follow. So here's the thing. So that's at least in terms of definition of what discipline is trying to get somebody or a people or a group or a community, regardless of what scale, you're trying to get individuals to follow a particular system of laws and rules. Now, when you apply that to the home,

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this is where things get really strange. And the understanding has to change as well as has to be refined and modified. And it's different as well. Until today, there is no clear cut protocol of how to discipline your children in the home. Usually, this conversation is split into two major categories of those who agree with certain types of discipline. And those who say there shouldn't be any discipline at all, it should always just be positive reinforcement, forgive, forget, move on. So it's a conversation that is constantly happening. Before we even talk about how to do this. Another point to also understand is the work diversions and ideas This is the perception of how people

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cultures and places around the world discipline their children. There are categories of people who discipline their children, and it is just 100%. Wrong. It's not discipline anymore. It's called abuse. It could be emotional, could be psychological. It could be physical. But the point is, it's an abusive situation. The kids then feel trapped, they feel imprisoned, they're being hurt, they're being injured, they're emotionally scarred, they're carrying memories for life. That's not discipline, discipline is a completely separate word. And unfortunately, culture has fused these two terms together, discipline and abuse became something almost similar. And and the nuances in between

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all get mixed up in the same conversation. So a lot of people think that when you discipline your child, you're abusing that child. And that's not the case. That's one thing that's clear, at least by definition wise, again, go back to the definition, we're trying to train and teach people to follow a certain set of rules and laws, right. But now bringing this conversation into the home. The next point is that in the Arabic language, there are almost a dozen different words to describe discipline, you have Milan, which we mentioned, we also have tehzeeb, we have to do it. But we have to do, we have so many words in the LT belt, we have so many different nuances that capture a

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different element of how to discipline, we're not going to go through any of those. What I will say is the most common of them is deep to add up like a dub, or what we say mannerisms or etiquettes. So when we say Wi Fi, we're saying be disciplined, follow the rules. And in Arabic, if we say a did who were saying, did I like discipline him, tell him to behave or tell him to stop doing that at Dibble from 10 Db or a Deb so that's the most common phrase or type of word that

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We're using when we're trying to enforce some form of discipline, especially with our family, we basically at the end of the day are trying to encourage one another, to have the best of etiquettes and mannerisms. So here are three tips that I think could shut low tire that can help us. Number one is to be sensitive. Now, I didn't make any of this up. All of this is actually found in the core and inserted earlier in moron, I will I don't recall the particular verse one something right, I'll write it down in the in the title of this video so you can reference to that. If any of you know it, when you hear it. It's a very popular verse just write it in the comments field. So those who are

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watching can see that as well. So sort of earlier in Milan. The first is female origin it mean a la healing tell him while Quinta fidanza de la palma Len Fahd lumen Holic, then Allah says, fat for him was stowford lemon, or shall we do one field Mo, so three things. So here's where I extracted some of those things from this particular verse in sunit, earlier and marohn, we need to understand some context. The context of this verse is that this was the situation after the Battle of orchid. Now you remember that in the Battle of orchid, you had about 17 to 19 companions that were all given certain stations on a particular mountain, where they were told not to move. Unfortunately, one of

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them started to move when they thought that the battle was over, the rest followed turned into a chaos, over 70 lives of the companions was lost. So when all was said and done, the profit it starts with Sam was also severely injured. He almost died in this battle, he was severely injured in this battle. So as they're all sitting, the battle is over all these companions, their bodies everywhere. Everybody feels like they've lost everything, their whole morale, their focus, everything has been gone. So they're all sitting there. And the companions that survived that they all feel like they let the Prophet alayhi salatu salam down, they let their leader down. They were told to do a and

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they didn't follow the instructions and look at the result. So when the Prophet says Sam is sitting there, that's when Allah sends it, this verse to them. And he tells the prophets, I send it now imagine the companions were the ones that made the mistake, who is a lot talking to the parent, the prophet, it starts with sin. That's our first lesson. When you're a parent, you are a leader. And usually what leaders they say when they have a team behind him, I'll take one for the team. So the general rule or principle as a parent is yet you take on the dirt you take on the blame, like I'll give you an example. You know, one time I was in a grocery store, and a kid picked up a bottle of

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Pepsi. And the kid was shaking the bottle of Pepsi. And the parent was looking at something on the shelves, right? And then as he looked down, and he saw his kid, the kid was shaking the bottle of Pepsi, and he told his kid to put it back on the shelf. Poor kid is trying to put the thing back on the shelf and he drops the bottle, the bottle falls to the ground, it burst open. And it literally started spinning in circles and washing down everything and everybody who was in that pile with Pepsi, including the poor kid, he got drenched in Pepsi, dad and mom got drenched in Pepsi, and all the items on the shelf. This was a while ago. What I thankfully I was a little far away, but I still

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had gotten some of the Pepsi on me. But it wasn't that bad, right. But the Father, I when I looked down on the island, the mother, the first thing they asked their child was, are you okay? Why did you do that? It's okay, it's okay. And the kids started crying and they started hugging it and said, it's okay. It was just an accident. Don't worry about it. And I thought surprised the lemon. When you're a leader, when you're the parent, that eventually the guys came, they came into the aisle, they look they're like what happened? The parents took everything. They're like, Look, he was picking it up. He tried to put it back, but he dropped it, we will pay for it. We'll take care of

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everything. It's our fault. We shouldn't have let him picked up the bottle to begin with. That's taking one for the team, you're taking one for the family. That doesn't mean that every time your kids mess up with something, just blame me Don't blame my kids, their angels walk away? No. We're trying to say here that when it comes to the first point to be sensitive, to be understanding, their age, their understanding, their ability to comprehend, and as they get older, how they interpret certain things. All of these factors have to be involved when you're trying to discipline and enforce a rule. So that's my first thing is to be sensitive. Where am I getting this from the A,

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it's how the A A begin, and then a loss penalty that tells the profit it sounds to them. Well, I couldn't afford them either. If you were somebody that had two things, number one, you were rough fava. You were a rough person. You didn't know how to talk you had already

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ruff tone. You know there are some parents they're allergic to be nice to their kids. And I don't mean that sarcastic I literally like they just don't have anything nice to say to their kids. Doesn't matter how old they are. No daughter comes in is like, What are you watching? Just leave me alone. I had a long day. Let me watch what I want. That basketball game is on? Yeah, well, I'm not watching that. Go to your room, do your homework, find something draw, just to grouch. That's father,

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just a grouch about everything. upset and unhappy about everything you know, and the stresses that you might experience outside the home, you bring those stresses in the home and take it out on everybody else. That's unfair and unacceptable. And it's an Islamic, and then the law. So we just had a process, send them, follow them. And then number two, a lot, even your you have a heart, your heart is stoned. It's like a hardened heart insensitive. So what's the first thing it's all about the behavior. But then the next point on Allah reminds process seven, he says, if you were rough with the companions, so let's look at context real quickly. If he had said to them, hey, listen,

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guys, what's wrong with you? I told you to stay in your places you move. You did that. Look what happened. It's all you guys fault. I'm your leader. You didn't fall. He doesn't do any of that. A lot puts him in his place. Prophecy sentiment says look you the leader, the one who didn't actually do anything. So do you if you're rough. And if you have a stone cold heart, Len fog boom in how long they will never respect or follow you.

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Parents, no matter how upsetting your children can make you no matter how difficult they can be. I get it. I know it's hard. But no matter how have the worst child that can literally as we say, it can be literally be the devil's child. The end of the day, keep yourself together.

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Kindness always wins.

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Being soft and gentle, but firm, you can discipline, you can enforce your rules, but do it in a way that's sensitive. That's kind you they can see. They can hear the tone of your voice they can listen to when you speak and say, oh, wow, although they're upset, at least they didn't scream. I didn't call me names. This time. My mom didn't call me this. My father didn't treat me this way. At least that didn't happen. They just told me to go to my room and think about what I did. I appreciate that from them. Kindness always wins. That's the first thing. And that's what the process I sent him is being told by Allah, if you do this, if you lose your cool, they're not going to respect you.

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Parents, when you lose your cool, it's very difficult, especially the kids, for them to come back and respect you. Because now you'll have to demand that respect, you'll have to tell them, I'm your mother, I'm your father. And you want that sort of being naturally developed in them that they see the value of their parents in their life. And one way to do that is to be really sensitive when you're disciplining them. Number two, so for example, so I hope it's clear now, the art of discipline is something that all cultures and societies have. It's just the version of how to discipline is what's different. But the concept itself, it exists in all religions, all cultures,

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all places all times. Okay. So here's the second point, and that is positive reinforcement. This is how the A now does this. Look, listen to the a fat for and home alone now tells the Prophet dallisa to Sam, that despite the companions made such a grave mistake, forgive them, pardon them for ankle.

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Really, is that what we're supposed to do as parents, when our kids do something terrible. They're fighting, they lied to us, they hid stuff from us. And we're supposed to just forgive them? Not necessarily. But forgiveness and pardon should always be in the heart when it comes to your family. We've already talked about this in one of the previous episodes about learning to forgive and forget, it's a part of the process. They're your family. They're not, they're not people, you can just write off and be like, okay, you messed up, you lost my trust, it's over.

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forgiving and forgetting. And positive reinforcement is how the poor end and some that teach us that when it comes to our families, that we never give up on each other. That whole idea of always being there with your family, you should never give up on each other. Now how where's the positive reinforcement? When a process starts to forgive or pardon them? They start to see that leadership in him. They're like, man, so Pamela. After all we did. He still just says you know what, guys? It's done. Just let it go. Don't worry about

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if your kid breaks something that's, you know, beyond repairs, and there's nothing you can do. You know, it's one thing if they carelessly break things, then you can sit down there and have a talk.

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And discipline in your own way. Just be like, Okay, look, you know, we're gonna have to ground you, we're gonna have to give you certain rules, we have to take away a particular some privilege, no cell phones for you know, a week, whatever, right? So you can do those things but do it in a way that there is mercy. And I fall in your heart, you know, where in the last 10 nights of Ramadan, what is the most important door in the last 10 nights, particularly on later to Allahumma in Nicaragua for one to hiwula raffle for me, it's all about asking a lot of pardon us. You know a lot You are the source of pardoning and forgiving, and you'll love to pardon. So pardon us, let's do our

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constantly repeating in these last 10 nights of Ramadan. So far foreign home. Number two was stellar fibula home and ask Allah to forgive them. So when your kids do mess up again, even if they're young adults college university, no matter what they've done, ask Allah to forgive them on a less escalada guide them. So now you take it a step further, you're not just be like, you know what, forget about it. I don't, it doesn't bother me just move on. You also ask Allah subhanho wa Taala. This is the whole idea of going back to praying for your kids. Remember, we're talking about discipline here, despite the nuances that are attached to this discipline can actually be a good tool. In order to

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keep some sense of order in the home. It's a good tool. It's just that unfortunately, like many other terms, it's been abused. It's been twisted, it's been really redefined. It's been warped culture, bad practices and habits.

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All of that has taken its toll on this particular word. And now people when they hear the word discipline, what's the first image that pops into their mind? Think about when you hear you need to discipline your kids, what's the first thing that pops into your mind?

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Yell at your kids,

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beat them abuse them. None of these things forget about religion for a second, they are unacceptable in any place in any time. you'd ever just beat your kids just because of you're angry with them. And they need to be disciplined this way. No. You see, Islam is not explicit. But it doesn't just keep an open door, it's kind of in the middle. We don't have explicit explicit Hadeeth telling us to do any of this, we actually have explicit Heidi's telling us not to hurt people not to inflict pain on anyone. And especially when it comes to your family process, I'm actually said the opposite, the best of you are the ones who are best to their family. So it would go against all the principles and

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everything that Islam teaches us. If we end up hitting and abusing children, our own kids, for the sake of discipline, it makes no sense. So that's number two, positive reinforcement, start to encourage so that those scars that might potentially come out of whatever form of discipline you're using, don't come back to bite you in the worst way. So big positive. Number three, keep your emotions out, me and you the parents. So don't again, and we've touched on this briefly that you don't have a discipline based on emotions, you're stressed out, you're frustrated, you're angry, and you just let it all out, unleashed. Unacceptable. And this is what many experts around the world are

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against, including myself. I mean, I don't think we even need to mention that islamically as believers, we don't do things like this with anybody, let alone our own family. So keep our emotions out. And emotion. Just keep in mind that when it takes a toll in how you speak and how you approach a situation. And in this case, how we discipline, it's almost never good, you know, the outcome will almost never be the way that we expect it to be. It'll be either something totally different. So you'll end up saying things like, Oh, my God, they totally misunderstood. That's not what I was trying to say, Oh, my God, you You didn't even understand you weren't even listening. Actually, it

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could be your own fault that that happened. Because you were screaming or you were shouting names, or you had like a hanger in your hand or something. And those are the things that cause people to be more afraid than to listen and understand. And finally, brothers and sisters be aware of your child's emotions, which we've talked a lot about. Be aware of them.

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They're just children. We are their teachers. We're raising them. So they depend on us to learn everything. And if that's a little slow or difficult for you, be aware of that. Be aware of the next time you yell or you give them those devil eyes, you know, you just kind of look at them without saying a word. You know, somebody who told me that all parents have their own version of the look. So if you have that, look, you better know how to use it and when not to use it. And you also have to be very careful of how your child interprets that. Look.

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Because even when everyone's eyes are closed and they're gone to bed, guess what your child is still seeing, they still see that look, that's, that's the look that wakes them up at night. That's the look that they see in their dreams that look now is not just a look from their parent.

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It's like the look from the devil himself. So the sensitive of how your child interprets your approach to discipline. And especially now when they're in high school or college and university, it becomes much more complex. Because if you look or you try to discipline a college student or university student, you'll have some explanation too. Don't be surprised that they could just jump in their car and drive away and never show back in front of your door. Again, that could potentially happen and it has all because in the name of discipline, the approach and putting yourself in their shoes, trying to understand this is all founded in a a faff wine homeless stuff. 11. So pardon them,

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forgive them. Finally, what will him feel shareware? This is the province. So now being told by Allah Oh, and by the way, ask them what to do. Now moving forward. These companions just disobeyed the prophecy seven.

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Dozens of lives were lost as a result. Now Allah is saying to the process seven, those same individuals that disobeyed you now asking them, how do we move forward? So panela it's just like, it's like the parents asking their own kids. It's like asking them. So you know what you did? Right? They're like, yeah, so what do you think we should do? Now? How do you think we should move forward? How do you think we should fix this? And they're looking at you? And they're like, Oh, you mean, you're not going to just ground me or send me to my room for three days? Like now, I want you to know, like, okay, you were fighting with your sister. And you heard her pretty bad. So how do you

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think you should fix that? What should you do for her? And you'll, you'll be surprised the reaction 99% of the time, I need to say sorry, to her, I need to actually apologize. And I need to just talk to her and let her know that I'm sorry. That's not me. So so panela. Like, it's incredible how the profit are the subtle sermons being told now to go seek counsel and direction from a shorter from this group of companions that actually disobeyed your initial command now keep going and get direction. So it's like the leader when he has everybody inside this room. And he's like, Look, I'm gonna take one for the team. But we got to get back on track. So guys, what do we do our business is

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falling apart. You guys are the employees. So you kind of have something to do with that. But we're not going to talk about that. Let's talk about how do we get out of this situation. And that's what you have to do. So I hope these four steps or Yeah, four steps in sha Allah, help us to understand this whole concept of discipline in Islam. And to understand that, when we think about discipline, what is the imagery that comes to mind? and nine out of 10 times that imagery is unacceptable, it's an Islamic, and that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a process that we can enforce some rules and reinforce those rules so that you keep a sense of order cooperation in the

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home. And and remember that at the end of the day, we're all human beings. And for us parents, sometimes we need our own discipline on ourselves. We need somebody to put us in our place. We need somebody to tell us, Hey, what are you doing? Why are you screaming like that? All they did is spill some coke. And you're getting that crazy about it. We need sometimes people to keep us under control and to keep us calm. So just keep that in mind. And that's what a lot did with a prophet only subtle Islam. It's like before you lose your cool. If you do, they will never respect you again. That's a lesson for all of us. So just keep that in mind. I'm going to post the a a number. I forget what it

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was. It's all posted in Sharla. And once I released this video, but with that being said, let me just take a look real briefly. I haven't done this in a little while but you guys are seeing lots of comments coming in today. While you can see I'm working with a lot to all of those who have sent their Salaam

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here Yeah.

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Okay, we have here

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from libido. Yousef welcome someone to law.

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Can you kindly mention about the things to do in the last 10 nights of Ramadan? Yes, we can do that very briefly. It's just not something that's part of the series. But if you're talking generally I mean, the question itself was General so I are responding gentleman in a generic sense. step up your game. Step up whatever it is that you're doing throughout the Ramadan, step up now. This is the last 10 nights we are in unprecedented times in an unprecedented situation and being locked down. This is the time to increase our doors that we ask Allah Subhana Allah forgive us.

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some sense of direction and a way out of this pandemic. Lots of conversations now happening on the news and experts around the world, not just talking about a second wave now that restrictions are being relieved. But even that Coronavirus, and perhaps other types of viruses that extend from that could be on its way. So this is not over and it may not ever be over. So our life has certainly changed, and it will continue to do so. So this isn't the last 10 nights I think this is going to be one of those Ramadan's that we will never forget for the rest of our lives. So take advantage of these last 10 nights by making more praying to Allah get your connection strong, keep it that way.

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Secondly, look for later to

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remember the last or the last 10 nights and the odd nights within the last 10 nights look for little clutter increase your door is your prayers your supplication your advocate. This is a lot of alone time is is what is required and encouraged in these last 10 nights. That's why Eric t cap was prescribed in the last 10 nights because it's an opportunity now to spend a lot of time alone with yourself in reflection and indiscipline and as well as in submission to our Creator also tried to give some charity as well in these last 10 nights because they're so blessed if you have as yours a cat and you haven't paid yours a cat yet for the year and this is the time like in Ramadan but you

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usually do that try to do that in these last 10 nights and tried to be very smart and selective where you send your money I would encourage all of you to please consider donating years of cat and charity in general to massage it just because all of them are close to their financial situation is beyond imaginable. Some of them will be forced to shut down for good Believe it or not. So it's it's it's a real real difficult situation financially for these organizations and not just our massage it but even all other social community programs and so on, just to survive. So considering that that could be now another option that you add on to recipients of Zakat and things like that. And other

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than that it's really all about yourself in these last 10 days. So I hope that helps in sha Allah Butera Allah May Allah subhanaw taala bless reward I'll leave you guys sorry this video is a little bit longer than usual. But nevertheless, I hope that it's uplifting, inspiring and it does the job in short, a lot of time. second location guys take care with Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh