Muhammad West – The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 04

Muhammad West
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the challenges of parenting and parenting children, including relationships with parents and partners, friendships, and family. They stress the importance of rewarding children and building a strong bond with siblings, as it is crucial for personal health and success in life. The speakers also emphasize the need for parents to hold their positions and not give gifts to children, as it is crucial for personal health and success in life. They stress the importance of parenting and rewarding children in a healthy way, and advise parents to avoid negative consequences and avoid giving children too much responsibility.
AI: Transcript ©
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The relationship on rajim Bismillah R Rahman Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam ala

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Sayidina Muhammad, Allah Allah He was my beloved brothers and sisters in Islam. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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All Praise be to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah bear witness that none has the right to be worshipped besides Allah. We send our greetings and salutations we live Nabina Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who is pious and pure family to his companions and all those who follow his Sunnah until the end of time, was the last panel to Allah to grant a state foster student of Nabina Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam to forgive us for all the sins that we've done in the last week. Um, Allah subhana wa tada blesses Vaclav Juma and guide us in the week to come amin, Al Hamdulillah. We continue our series on with initially this the etiquette of disagreements, but I think we go into

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a point where we discussing all kinds of relationships, and all kinds of interactions that we have with one another. And we said, we hope to lead up eventually to discuss those controversial issues, like the caper chord, like Sunni Shia Islam, like mo Lu like the two leads before we get there. Let's talk about the relationships and the conflict that we have, within our personal structure, our personal capacity. And this is really a series on relationships, how do we interact with one another? Last week we spoke about the weeks before we spoke about the general principle in Islamic Islamic philosophy is that relationships should be saved and should be mended and should be held

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together at all costs. So long as it's not against the Sharia. If it's the matter of Deen, or it's a matter of dunya. We don't break relationships, when we spoke about our relationships with our parents. And we say that this is the most important relationship that we are answerable on the deaf piano.

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We said it's the if you take a summary of what we said last week, the onus or the responsibility is on the child to maintain that relationship. Allah subhanaw taala will look at us as children, how we interact with our parents. Yes, of course, parents have their responsibilities. But as we get older,

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no matter what our parents say, or do or how difficult they are, Allah Subhana Allah says, we lower our wings of submission. We obey them, we speak without any kind of disrespect documents, the word of oath, we are always right, they are always on top. That's the relation. It's a one way relationship. There's no give and take here. There's no compromise. We as children compromise, and they and they are in charge. That's how Allah has made it. That's the Sharia. So and we conclude, we just have a few points to discuss with regards to parents.

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How, what is the floor? What What is the point that you take in terms of conflict? How do you resolve a conflict with your parents?

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Bottom line is they're always right.

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No retaliation, no arguments, even if they are on we it's even as even as we said, In the case where they asked you to come a chick, they can't be more wrong than that Allah speaks about in the Quran. Your parents cannot be more wrong than a parent who tells you to come and cheat. They jahad meaning they force you to come a chick in that case, Allah says, don't obey them, but be kind and good and nice. Give them good companionship. So there is no excuse. Many people have come to me, and I've said, My parents are like this with my wife. My parents are like this to me or to my kids. My parents have maybe some money issues. My father cheated me my Yes, if they are wrong, they're wrong

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in terms of Sharia. But as you as a child, you submit, you obey you keep yourself small. That's the Sharia, you do not show any kind of disrespect, whoever they are, whatever they did. That is, again, this is not this entire discussion as a Muslim. When we talk about relationships, we realize that behind every relationship, there's a bigger relationship, meaning my relationship with Allah, more important than my relationship with my mother, my father, is my relationship with Allah. So Allah says, if you want to maintain your relationship with Allah, you need to do everything you can to maintain your relation with your parents, even if they are difficult. And yes, if they become older,

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they will get to a point now live Mercy on us and them. When they become very old, very difficult. They become extremely unreasonable. But that's what we need to do. We accept and we will need and no matter what we give, we said last week, it will never be enough to repay what they gave us because we weren't reasonable. I was telling my colleagues this evening or Yes, last night, I came home very late from work, but my son decided to wake up two o'clock then when he's done sleeping. You went to sleep off the budget. Hopefully you'll continue that mentality to when he's older. I mean, but he was unreasonable. I can't negotiate with a three year old. Now SubhanAllah. Our parents might do

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that. When we get to. When they get to in the old age, lock compliance con, he can't throw her kids at the house. Can't do that to the parents. So that's, that's something we need to remember.

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How do people ask me? My relationship with my parents are estranged? It's not good. How do I fix it? any relationship? Think about when you were, you know, in a hallway quoting your wife or your husband? How do you build a relationship from scratch, you spend as much time as you can with that person. You give gifts, this Heidi's promises to her due to her boo, give presents, it will bring muhabba presence will bring love. So that's a very simple rule. If you want to make anyone happy, your neighbor, your colleagues, your friends, your spouse, happy, give gifts, so for your parents as well spend time with him. Many times, we must be honest with ourselves, we would prefer to spend

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time with friends with spouses, spend time having fun, parents has become an obligation. It's one of our shortcomings. But we have to make time and enjoy spending time with him and give them what we can for ourselves.

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Be quick to respond orlimar one, understand that this nobody should be nobody more important in your life than your parents. Now, if the CEO of your company phones you for something you will respond just like that. But if our mother or father asked us we'll say we'll get to that when I when I'm done. That's in reality in the sight of Allah that's wrong.

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Just something to think about that I myself to be blamed if I go into an office of someone very senior, my phone is on silent it's off. When I speak when my parents are they I'm busy chatting and my mom is talking to me I'm not giving the full, the full, you know, you know, respect that that person deserves. And this is the person in the sight of Allah is the most important person in my life. Be quick to respond when they call, be quick to fulfill anything request of us. This is how we build that relationship with our parents. And just to understand this greatness, so it's sometimes it's difficult. What we saying is all the obligation is on us as kids. Allah has put all the

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obligation on us. And obviously Allah compensates for that. And there's no greater example if we find the story of

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someone which I hope you've heard about. So in our Sharia, obviously the greatest people are the ambia, the prophets of Allah or the ambia. The greatest people after the Gambia are the disciples of the Sahaba of the Gambia. So the Sahaba of the Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam are the greatest disciples that ever lived. So the greatest people after the ambia, Abu Bakar and the Sahaba

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after the Sahaba the next generation are called attending. They are called the Tabby in the followers of the Sahaba those who who made the Sahaba but they never met then abyssal Salam.

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So this is the bistability of the Sahaba was the best Sahaba Sahabi Abubakar Yolanda is the number one Sahabi who is the number one today is the man who will coordinate the Prophet peace upon him before he died. He told say normal is great said number one, you will meet a man waste from a city of Quran in Yemen. He will come here when you meet him. Ask him to make dua for you. Omar, you ask him, let him make dua Stuffer for you.

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Right and because he's so accepted, so So normally surprise was the scrape person. So when say normal became the halifa. Every time the judge from Yemen came past Medina, you would ask is there a un waste from you?

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Many years go by and say no, no waste with us. A year before he died? They said yes, there's a Buddha overseer.

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namobuddha no one. These are the specialists for the islands of the ships. Not the great man. So tsunami, Cz from Quran said yes. Does he have a mother that was blind and he had leprosy? Yes. So seussical this man, so say no mercy to always tell Courtney, that the Prophet patient told me to convey my cell lamps to you and to say to you to make dua for me. Why, how did this man become so great? So his story is that he was a Muslim in the time of peace of Saddam. So he heard this a prophet in Medina, solo Salah, and he embraced Islam and he wanted to visit an obese alum, but he was looking after his mother who was blind. So his mother went blind very early on. So all she had

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was a son waist. And I mean, imagine in that day, those times, he constantly had to be by his side. And his greatest wish was to be as a hobby. So he told his Mom, please give me a chance, a month or so, to go and visit that Elisa Lam and to be a Sahabi and I can come back. So she said, Look, I'm not happy about this, you can go but I need you to be back by certain date. So with Roger olano went straight to Medina. When he came to Medina, he found inhibition was nothing that we saw Selim had gone out for jihad or something. But in a day or two in a week or so he was going to come back to Medina. So you have to think now do I wait for the prophets of Salaam? Do I obey my mother and go

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back to Yemen and he obeyed his mother, compulsory to obey my mother to be a Sahaba is a compulsory so he gave up the honor of being a companion was mentioned in the Quran. He gave up for the love of his mother and that's why the prophets of Salaam said to say normally when you meet this man, tell him to make the others how do you think Muslim had eaten a Muslim? So what

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This man who was the head butter, no, Omarosa budget, was it her idea? No. And what was it for the beer? Was he at the conquest of Mecca? No, say no what was the but this man's do is so powerful why simply because of his while we say simply, but because of his relationship with his mom gave him that status that is so high, something which we all have in our must doesn't mean that you and I can't be like that. Allah grant us that kind of relationship with our parents. So this relationship, fix it at all costs.

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Repeat at all costs, it is the means of gender agenda. There is no no other way to put it. There's no relationship like this on Earth. As we said last week, along once to you to give your parents your son, the base, nothing less than the best. We move on from our parents, to our siblings.

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The sibling relationship is a very unique kind of relationship. Even from psychology. I was trying to read up on psychology and is very unique kind of relationship. Psychologists tell us and we learn this, our siblings, our brothers and our sisters are really our first friends. Our first

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best friends confidence they keep our secrets of first arch rivals, we're always fighting with him, our first our first accomplices, we want to capture no nonsense they are, we are together. That's how we learn about life through our, our siblings, we learn about competition, about caring about compassion, about keeping secrets about fighting all these things that we can experience in life. We learn this from our siblings in this this love. And we come as we know from the same period as these has been genetically, we are from the same pain meaning we share the same DNA inside we are the same.

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And then of course, as we become older, as we get older, naturally, this is for most, most cases, you tend to drift, you realize that look, you can make friends outside of your family circle, you spend more time with your friends, and your relationship with your sibling sometimes becomes strained as we become adults. We're not as close as we were when we were kids. Sometimes our you know, if we had a competitive relationship as kids, we take this into our adulthood. Our brothers are not our sisters are not the people we found. First and foremost, when we in trouble, we may be lean to a best friend. This isn't shouldn't be this way.

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So the researchers tell us, you know, your siblings are siblings are the longest relationship will ever experienced. What do we mean?

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As we grow up, we have parents, that's obviously the most powerful bond, but then our parents will die 3040 years before us. Right? So they only spent 50 years with us, our spouses and our kids Yes, more powerful relationship, but they only come into our life. 3040 years of our brothers and sisters are they with us from when we were born. And they are our partners on the journey of life until we die. Right for the full duration of our life. We have our brothers and sisters. This is the longest relationship you'll have is the relationship with your sibling. Yet it's also never the primary relationship you always have a more important relationship you always have the relationship with

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your parents, and you always have the relationship with your siblings or your spouse's. So they're always secondary. They're the longest so it's a very unique kind of relationship.

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This relationship can be the most beautiful, strongest relationship and it can also be the worst and we get this from the Quran. You have in the Quran, the story of Musa and Musa and Harun Allison Salaam, two brothers who stood together against everything, you couldn't break them up. And through them, they change the world, these two brothers, you have in fact, the first murder that we find between two brothers, Cain and Abel have in common sibling rivalry was the cause of the first murder in humanity. Right. So this thing is real, a sibling relationship can become so dysfunctional, that is the most toxic, dysfunctional relationship that you have in your life. And it's normal, that

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siblings will compete.

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We see this from school kids. You know, when the first one is born, the first one gets all the attention, all the love. And the second one comes along, and now there's some friction between the two of them. Right? You find the old one, maybe pinching the younger one, you find the older one throwing tantrums. Why? Because now these ashamed for parents attention. And as we start as we get older, as children and remember a lot of this talk I give, yes, it's for kids, but you can realize it's true when we're adults as well. When we're kids, we're fighting over toys and competing for attention of our parents competing for the TV remote. As we get older, we compete about whose

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children are doing better. Who's doing who's financially more secure, who's more successful. who's who's the favorite of our parents. This happens even when we're adults. And this competition between siblings as we see it can become extremely

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Extremely destructive to us.

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We find another example in the Quran of sibling rivalry. So if Allah mentions two cases in the Quran about siblings that are, that are so competitive with each other, they're ready to kill one another. Cain and Abel have in common. The other example is of Yusuf Ali Salam. When Allah says Allah Yamuna year, whenever Yusuf told his father, that, you know, I had this special dream, immediately never Yaqoob said to him, oh, my son, don't tell this dream of yours to your brothers are very well scheme against your plan. Indeed, shape on to man is a manifest enemy. So what did he know Yaqoob realized that Allah selected one of his 12 sons to be an OB, the other 11 are the other 10 are going to can

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feel a level of sibling envy and jealousy that might lead him to harm. And Allah is certainly an example of the use of Eddie's brothers is an IRA is a sign for those of us who ask when the brother said Yousuf and his younger brother are more beloved to our father than we are. While we are a clan, we are big in a big group, indeed our fathers in clear era. So let's kill you. So imagine that you compete with your brother so much your father is gonna be like your father, isn't it, but you are so envious of your brother. so jealous that you said, You know what, let's just kill him kill get rid of all our problems is useless. If Yousuf was out of the picture, life will be good again. So let's

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kill Yousuf we'll throw him out to another land, then

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the face of our father will be on us only meaning we will get all the love and attention of our parents. And after that you can be good people again, after we commit the sin we can make you stay far we kill him. But then we make Toba. We know it was merciful, Allah forgive us. These are children of an abbey. And these are not bad people. But this rivalry can get so much that you're willing to kill a brother, you're willing to kill a sister competition of who's prettier. competition was the beta friends, the beta clouds can reach a level obviously at hamdulillah. I don't think any of us reached the level we want to kill out. We we kill our brothers, but sometimes

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you might want to kill them. Sometimes it happens. Right? And this is the reality. Allah is saying. So don't think that you and I are special. These are the children of ambia. Cain and Abel the children of an abbey as well. They know the Huck like unit I know. But that envy can become so strong and destructive, that you could actually kill somebody over that. And they did they threw the young brother, you know, well, they did it. They actually did it. Why? For Love, they didn't do it because they hated us. They just craved more attention from the Father.

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So a big last week, we spoke a lot about bond building relationship with our parents, we look at the children and you need to fix that relationship. sibling bonding, a big part is in the hands of parents. Parents at times are the cause of siblings to break up to break away. I know in Psychology Today, every time someone has a depression or some psychological problem, at the end of the day you blame your mother, it was you know, your parents, you know, that's your upbringing is that I don't obviously we don't believe in those kind of things. But definitely, we see the dynamic between parents and sibling rivalry. Parents, if they make mistakes, they could cause this. So a study was

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done, like in psychology about parents showing favorites. And they said the study proved that children 70% believe that the parents have a favorite now in your mind with your siblings. Do you think your parents have a favorite? Right? I see smiles and nods. Like everyone feels my parents have a favorite, right? They say 70% of parents or they exhibit favoritism. And this obviously will result in envy.

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From the study, it says fathers tend to favor the youngest daughter, they have a special spot for the little girl. And studies show that mother's favor the eldest son. Now I think of myself, we're a group of three. I'm the eldest. So if that is occurring, and my mom's favorite, I have a younger sister. So she's my dad's favorite. So I worry about my brother in the middle, right? He's no one's favorite, right? And just feeds in that, you know, that middle child thing that I became a doctor. So I think he's the favorite as well.

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Everyone feels to the parents that they have faith that the parents have favorites.

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And, you know, on a side note on that, and I find this quite interesting. In terms of psychology, the study being done in terms of where you are born, the older you are born will shape your personality. A lot of the person you are is thanks to your siblings for good or bad. It's because of how you grew up.

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They say if you look at a you know, a family structure of three kids and they all the same gender. So three sons have three daughters, usually you'd find that the oldest and the

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Angus in the middle, they all have similar kind of personality traits, the oldest or the eldest child. When you're born, you get your parents, all the attentions on you. And parents being inexperienced, they vary by the book, everything what you eat, how you sleep is very strict. And if you're the eldest you know you've got the probably the most hidings for those older siblings. Yeah, they're not Yes, you got the most hidings, you always have to be responsible, a lot of pressure on you, you always felt that. And therefore, as you grew up, you also tend to be the leader, you in charge, you always want to be the boss, you always want to, you know, be a mini parent to your

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siblings. So if you look at American presidents, 65% of American presidents are elder siblings. So this definitely correlation between leaders and being an elder sibling, because you add the training as a, as a as a youngster.

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For the younger sibling, they say,

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by that time, your parents basically gave up they old, they don't care anymore. They like the rules are relaxed. You got away with murder, the baby always gets away with murder. People smiling Yeah, I don't know. It's like they conquer the parents, you know, they get away with with the youngster seems to get away with everything. And because they don't, you know, it also mentioned from from from from animals, that if you look at a letter, or you know, of maybe cubs, the strongest will always be in charge. Physically, the youngest, the smallest, always has to find a way of winning without strength. So they use charm. They use cuteness to win. And we learn this that our youngest

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sibling, the youngest sibling is always you know, special, the rules are relaxed with him, and they get away through life, you know, getting easy, but if they want something, they just cry, and they get it. You know, he's the youngest, he's the baby, she's the baby just given to them. What this means when you become older, is that you sometimes don't follow the rules. Also, you think outside the box, where's the oldest v rule base, and you want to follow and you want to please your parents, you want to follow what you were taught, you know, the youngest thing to do their own thing. And that's why they you know, they said, most scientists, if you look at siblings, innovative thinkers

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come from being younger generation, because they think outside of the rules. And then you have the middle one, who is the middle child, right? Because unfortunately for our middle siblings, were not the oldest, they can get all the attention, they're not the baby, which gets the spotlight, they always have to see, they find themselves in a, they don't know where they are in life. So our middle sibling, sometimes the only way they can express their individuality is by not being like the eldest. So if you have and you might notice this, you might have a very quiet, tidy, neat firstborn, your second born is crazy. And if you have a very crazy firstborn, loud, you're very soft,

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introverted, second born, because they sort of murder themselves. I'm not like this one. So and the middle one child tends to not know where they fit in. The middle child tends to have big relationships outside the family structure, but they're not so sure about where they fit in, inside the family. So of course, this is not true for everybody. But this is something which is learning to be true. There's something and therefore a lot of who you are who I am, is based on our siblings, and when we meet, so in the real world, when we outside, we have different we have a CEO, with

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Mr. We whatever we are only come together for eat, we still have a baby. Right? Then everyone sees you as the Baby, you're not the CEO of the company anymore. And we go back to our childhood olds, we go back to when we're five years old fighting over the toys. And that's why the sibling relationship can become very difficult to manage.

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So parents have a big responsibility in building the system, you know, setting the tone that siblings grow together. Yes, they need to be individuals, but they need to grow together as a unit. What the Sharia teaches us is you need to give and reward fairly and equally, Hadith that says, A Sahabi came and says, My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth. But the mother said, Don't give the gift first speak to the prophets of Salaam. So the father when to ask the Prophet peace upon him for his approval. So the prophets have said to him to the Father, have you done the same for all your children? Did you give a gift to all of them? So he said, No, I only gave two to

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Norman. So the prophecy is no take it back. And three, Fear Allah treat your children fairly. And because this will cause envy. So when you reward when you give Praise, praise all your children equally, praise and give equal reward. punish them equally. Also, don't punish the oldest because the older you should know better.

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Right? If we look at the law, and children understand the concept of famous, you know, if your child bumps his head, he won't stop

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Trying until you give the table ID, right because the child understands the concept of reward and punishment. So for a child, it's why are you punishing me more just because I'm one year older, then you need to punish equally, someone who's younger shouldn't get free, because the two years younger. So punish and reward equally, praise your kids in front of one another. But reprimand them and you know, criticize the faults, privately. This is a cons even in life, with your employees, with your spouse with you with anything, praise people publicly. But reprimanding privately, they should be universal rules. If no one is going to get to watch TV on a Thursday night, when they shouldn't be

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relaxed for one sibling. Everyone should have equal opportunities. I don't have this problem. But in other cultures, automatically that sons will inherit the business. The girls don't get the equal opportunities. They're also ready we tell them when they're born. This is for you. This is not for you. We should give opportunities equally.

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Don't compare. This is one of the big problems, we tend to compete one sibling to the other. Why aren't you like this one? Why can't you do so well in school like your brother, why aren't you as neat and tidy as your sister automatically. This creates envy in each other. Don't use your your one sibling as the benchmark of what it should be. Because Allah has given you kids that are different. They will have strengths in certain areas and they have weaknesses in different areas. Celebrate each one's individual uniqueness. each one's individual says you might have a one child with a scientist, another one that's an athlete, another one that's still finding what they want to do.

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Each one is special in their own way. So don't build them into one template and decide what should be.

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Have a special bond with each of your kids. So spin as a parent, take each child alone sometimes and have that one on one bond. There is no competition you

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don't also as you get older become too close with one sibling.

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You know, as you get older, you might feel okay, it's easy for me to pick up the phone and speak to Suleiman or Ayesha, when I need anything, this is one go to daughter go to Santa even whenever I need something, automatically, you build a closer bond with the one and this is you know this exclude the other. Don't overburden one don't expect more from the one when we expect equally neighborly, a third party or in lose duty loose get involved. So what happens is,

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mother doesn't get along with Ahmed's wife. Don't bring a man into the conversation. Don't pick up the phone and look for the daughter to be tagged him because you spoil the relationship between brother and sister.

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You should always tell your siblings Yes, I have a problem with Sulaiman. My one son, I'm the I'm the father me and your brother has a problem. But that shouldn't damage your relationship with each other you still brothers and sisters, your arguments with one sibling shouldn't sour the relation with other siblings.

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Don't put one against the other. And obviously, you Your kids will learn from you how you reconcile arguments. If you grew up in a in a house with a mother and father was fighting with each other. You know, your mother and father don't speak to the siblings, it's gonna translate into your kids and therefore love them equally.

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As parents, some guidelines also encourage how to both psychologists tell us how to you know bring our siblings together, encourage them to do group work. So as a team, we will clean up the house or as a team, you will do some project assignment. Sometimes we tend to each do our own thing parents have to bring the team work together

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Let them resolve the conflicts let them have their own personal relationship their own conversations, give them that ability don't intervene and be always part of the of the life and and and reward them if they are kind to the brothers or sisters. You know you're good to your brother. That's a very good thing. So we we give them also as as from siblings, and we end up with these this last few points.

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As a rule from the Sharia never let an outsider come between you and your brother You and your sister. Never

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always we stand we on the same team no matter what as life goes on. We will always be on the same team. Yes If your brothers or sisters or Uncle mushiya perspective, with kindness with gentleness, we reprimand them, we advise them. But always the default no one

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is going to get between me and my brother and my sister. That's how it should be. If it isn't like that, we need to build on that. Don't if you have excelled in certain areas in life, understand your success will naturally make your siblings feel inferior. So don't do it. You know, don't go over understand that. If you are the one that is not doing so well in life, don't blame your your brother's success for your failures. And if your brother's very wealthy and you didn't get the that's your failure. Don't blame me.

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For that, don't blame him for that. Don't blame each other. For parents who are unfair, maybe not their fault. Parents to your favorite parents gave you the keys to the to the business, not the fault. So don't let that sour your relationship. follow the example of never use where he said to his brothers after he had you know they had come off the throwing you in a well, he said la casa de la chameleon. Let us live by this if you have any tips for your siblings, you haven't spoken to that brother for 10 years that look at never use. Your brother didn't throw you in a well, he's a three minute Well, he said to them today. All is forgiven. We start over new relationship. We're not that

00:30:41 --> 00:30:52

kids anymore. We start all over again. Right? Yes, ma'am. Allah forgive you. Well, what are hamara and Allah is the Most Merciful. The last Hadith. The last point I want to make it on tie the two together.

00:30:53 --> 00:31:33

Part of your responsibility to parents is to love your siblings. Nothing gives a parent more joy than to see the children looking out for one another standing side by side. Even in death, one of the things you can do if your father mother as possible, granted my place and Jenna, once the son of cinema rhodiola was on a journey. Right? He was with his students. And they made he made a beta one. And so you know, my son got off his donkey. He took off his turban and he gave this beta one the donkey and the turban. So after the beta one left, the Sahaba his combi students said, Okay, I know you're a generous man. But that was a bit extreme. You gave you a like you give you call away. Why

00:31:33 --> 00:32:09

was this guy. So sit down with his son said, This man, this guy this bigger one. His father and my father were friends. They know more than his father boyfriends and the Prophet peace. you're pointing towards us. That in a way in a way of honoring your parents is to honor the people they used to like their friends. This wasn't a normal screen. This was his son's friend. So he gave him that much honor. Now the people your parents love the most of your siblings. Nothing will give them the greatest joy. They to build that relationship with your siblings, for them to see that brothers and sisters stand together that when they go, they know they'll have each other's back. That's the

00:32:09 --> 00:32:38

most beautiful thing for a parent. So part of your duty. Your duty to your parents is to maintain your bond with your brothers and sisters. You haven't spoken to your brother and sister in a long time. Immediately after Jim was just sent a message he was jumma Mubarak message, you know, that's for the sake of Allah. Allah talks about Brotherhood in general. This is a biological brotherhood as well. So Allah bless us in our relationships. Allah forgive us for the petty sins and mistakes that we do. our grandfathers goodness in all our face, I mean, just one announcement.

00:32:40 --> 00:33:05

The we said last week that we will be doing the CDs women around the messenger, this will be the wives of the Prophet SAW Salem. And this will go out towards the but basically the first of August via WhatsApp, if you would like to be included. The moment is that there's no registration fees or anything like that. But you can get on our WhatsApp list and this course will be taught to you also a last last comment, brother, Rahim is our minister is leaving to Libya on Sunday.

00:33:07 --> 00:33:30

He's been part of the Gema for many, many years, always here in the masjid and it will be him and his family returning to Libya. So we wish them all the best and Allah bless him and his family. This be part of our community for the past couple of years. His Son, Ahmed is always in the masjid. You know, it's part of the masjid. It's like our mascot. So we hope we pray for them. I mean, we hope to see him soon in the future. I mean, Sokoloff, a Salaam Alaikum

Bond with parents

How to build a bond

  • Spent time together
  • Give
  • Quick to respond to their call and fulfil their needs
  • Honour and respect above anyone else


  • Never retaliate

The sibling bond

  • As children first best friend, confidant, accomplice, biggest traitor, arch rival
  • We tend to grow apart as we become adults
  • Those relationships cement themselves as we get older
  • The longest relationship we will have .. yet never the most important
  • We always hope to be like Musa AS and Harun AS

Sibling rivalry

  • Almost always about envy
  • Compete over parents affection, toys, tv remote, intelligence, beauty, wealth, popularity
  • Our siblings can make us feel insecure about our own failings…its not their fault!
  • The first murder in human history

He said, “O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy.

Surah Yusuf 12:5

Certainly were there in Joseph and his brothers signs for those who ask,

Surah Yusuf 12:7

When they said, “Joseph and his brother are more beloved to our father than we, while we are a clan. Indeed, our father is in clear error.

Surah Yusuf 12:8

Kill Joseph or cast him out to [another] land; the countenance of your father will [then] be only for you, and you will be after that a righteous people.”

Surah Yusuf 12:9


  • Parents can not help inclining to one child
    – Father’s favourite
    – Mother’s favourite
  • Which order you are born will also shape your psychology
  • Which order you are born will also shape your psychology
  • Give and reward equally and fairly – Inheritance
  • Praise and punish equally and fairly
  • Praise publically and punish privately
  • Universal rules
  • Equal opportunities
  • Do not compare the strengths and weaknesses of each other
  • Accept that they are different
  • Encourage unique confidence
  • Have a special bond with each individually
  • Don’t get too close to one child
  • Do not be too hard or too soft one
  • Do not overburden one specific child
  • Do not let third parties or in-laws come between them
  • Do not pit one against the other
  • How do we resolve conflict as parents
  • Love equally

Nu’maan ibn Basheer said:

“My father gave me a gift of some of his wealth, but my mother, ‘Amrah bint Rawaahah, said, ‘I will not approve of it until you ask the Messenger of Allah [ ]وسلم علیہ ہللا صلی to bear witness to it.’ So my father went to the Prophet to ask him to bear witness to the gift. The Messenger of Allah [ علیہ ہللا صلی ]وسلمsaid to him, ‘Have you done the same for all of your children?’ He said, ‘No.’ He (SAW) said, ‘Fear Allah and treat your children justly.’ So my father came back and took back that gift.”

Sahih Al Bukhari, Muslim

Give children tools to build relationships with their siblings

  • Encourage teamwork: Group them in one team. And then reward the team for cleaning up the room, helping with laundry etc. Reward them with something they both like.
  • Plan fun activities together which they both enjoy.
  • Let them resolve their own conflicts; do not intervene unless ‘Code Red’!
  • Appreciate acts of kindness and care for each other and make them appreciate one another.


  • Never side with an outsider over your sibling, unless in matters of the shariah
  • Do not make your sibling feel inferior
  • Focus on your own strengths and blessings
  • Don’t blame them for your failures
  • Don’t blame them for parental unfairness

“He said, “No blame will there be upon you today. Allah will forgive you; and He is the most merciful of the merciful””

Surah Yusuf 12:92
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