Tips to a Successful Marriage

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

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Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

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respected sisters

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and brothers are Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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First of all, before we begin,

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I hope you understand my accent. I don't have the Caribbean ting accent. You know, that's how you speak but I'm sure people understand the accent. Yeah, you have a very good accent, Mashallah.

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I would like to thank the organizers for today's program, the shoddy Foundation, and

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its patron WalletHub to Salaam and all the other Omar, Abdul Majeed and everybody else for

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arranging this program for organizing this program, and giving me the opportunity to come and share some words with you in sha Allah, Allah.

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It's my first visit to this beautiful country of Trinidad and Sharla hopefully, it will be the first of welcome again, in sha Allah, it's a very good country.

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May Allah Subhana Allah grant us a Tofik and inspire us to say that which is beneficial for myself for you, for everybody in sha Allah is just a reminder. In the Quran, Allah Subhana Allah says, where the cure for in the Quran for all meaning

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remind one another. This is called the skill in Arabic, which means that things sometimes we know, and sometimes we might not know. But it's a mutual reminder, we all remind one another because reminding them for our own meaning it benefits the Muslims, you bet it benefits the believers. The title, or the topic that was given to me.

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Tips to a successful marriage. It's all about marriage, it's all about nigga, tips to a successful marriage.

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Now tips, steps, tips, or whatever you want to call them, points or ways or manners or ways of having a good prosperous, successful relationship of good marriage.

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We can talk about tips, I can mention some, think about some good tips. Some of you might hear out of experience of being married for many years, may come out at some tips because of knowing how it is to live with the husband or the wife. Everyone will have their own tips. You read a book by an expert. non Muslims have written books on this topic. steps to successful marriage there's books written by non Muslims,

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men from Mars, Women from Venus, if you've seen that book.

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So different people will come with different tips, different methods, different advices different guidelines of how to have a good successful, prosperous, happy marriage.

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But rather than me think about what I think are good steps or good tips, rather than what you think is

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a good ingredient for a prosperous marriage. And rather than anyone else telling us

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the best tip or the most effective is the one that is given to us by our Lord that our Creator Allah subhanaw taala. And those advices or those tips, or that actually is only one tip, which is mentioned, which is advice, which is in the Quran and Sunnah. Rather than having a list of tips, and lists list of ingredients and steps to have a successful marriage. We can list them.

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But all of those steps are different reasons are different ways of acquiring a successful marriage. They return to one central point, there's 1.1 Tip. It's a very short, it's a one word, I will tell you what that word is, but I want you to anticipate I know everyone's heard of that word as well. Everyone, every Muslim more or less 99 point 99% of the Muslims have come across that word have known that word.

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And it's actually a very, very important part of our deen our Islam and our lives.

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And that is a central ingredient central point.

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And that's the basis that's the main reason for having a good prosperous marriage. What is that?

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That is when we get married and some of you if you are married and some of you may not be married, but and but to even if you're not married, you know

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When you have a marriage ceremony you come to the masjid

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the Imam.

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The Imams have led and conducted many marriage ceremonies. What does the Imam do?

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The Imam will have them we have Nikka ceremony in this Masjid. For example, the Imam will sit here,

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the groom will sit here, the groom's Willie Guardian will be here the bride's groom, the sorry the bride's wali and Guardian will be sad that we witnesses what happens in a marriage. This is very important. You see, this is the point that you know, in Islam, we have a dean that Allah has given us which is very much related to understanding and connecting it with our brain. Actually, this is something I want to talk about yesterday, but I'll just mention this briefly before we go on to this, that we have to leave Islam. Sadly, many of us what's happened, that our Islam and our being Muslim has become what we call robotic automatic, you know, we have a manual call an automatic call.

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The automatic Muslim 99% of us are automatic Muslims. We happen to be born in a Muslim family.

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And we just grow up we see okay, this is how Muslims do this is my daddy. This is okay Masjid dressed like a Muslim. I wear a scarf or wear a hijab niqab Ramadan comes through Iftar food

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samosa Bucha I don't know if he got here, or whatever fish Nica How is marriage? Oh yeah, we go to the masjid nobody. Why do I believe nobody's thought about that? What do I believe in? What's the meaning of la ilaha illAllah Muhammad Rasool Allah was the meaning of a shadow Allah Allah illallah wa shadow No, Mohammed Abdullah Surah what's the deeper meaning? What am I acquired? We need to understand and understand and reflect on these meanings daily in our life. Every part the non robotic and the non automatic, the manual Muslim is someone who every minute of his or her life

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connects the brain with Allah subhanaw taala. We wake up in the morning.

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First thing eyes open. The proper Muslim, who's not a robotic, robotic Muslim, the Muslim who's manual, who has a living Islam, who lives Islam, wakes up in the morning, eyes open, the robotic one, just enough like heedlessness, it's like, Okay, first thing you think I need to go work today or this appointment? Or I need to sell the car or I need to go there or I need to go to that office.

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The problem was Tim doesn't do that. First, he will open his eyes and sit there for a minute.

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My Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has mentioned the DUA. What's the DUA close your eyes you don't have to close your eyes with meaning thought reflection with concentration Alhamdulillah Hilary, a Jana Bardem Turner, what Elysian knew sure what does it mean? All law all thanks to you praise to Allah. I just died last night. I was dead.

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Five minutes think I was dead.

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Oh Allah all thanks to Allah Who gave me life after giving me death. The Quran says that will Allah Ahuja TOEFL unforce Heda motiva will let Elam thermwood FEMA naamyaa Allah takes away the souls for those people who die and those who don't literally die Allah takes the rule the soul away when they sleep for human sequela to cada Ali hell emote while you're a serial okra Algeria Musa, those people who Allah has decided that they will not come back to life. He keeps the soul by him and the remainder whom Allah decides that they will wake up again. He sends and returns the raw the soul back with a new shooter. And then a day will come and Allah won't send that soul back. We think this

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was so close to death every night we die every morning we should think Allah has given me a new day has given me a new chance. You know when we have a close shave to death when somebody's has an accident so close or somebody goes through Allah forbid diseases like cancer, imagine somebody has cancer and then they have treatment.

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So close to death people make resolutions when they when they you know in that state when the doctor say maybe you could die, so Oh Allah please you know if you give me cure rest of my life, I will spend it next 1015 years. This is something we need to do every morning Oh ALLAH last night I died. I was so close to death my soul couldn't have come back. Make a firm intention. today. Oh Allah. This is a new life new day. This is

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Have lots of other things but all of this five, seven minutes thought with the mind. The Living Muslim is who thinks with the brain, not just goes through the motion as we say. We just do things as they are. We don't know the Masjid. Know we live it. Every dua with translation with meaning. We stand up we think oh Allah Subhan Allah Allah Allah has given me legs I'm able to walk. There's so many people who can't walk. We go to the toilet before going to the toilet, we read the DUA Allahumma India I will become their hobo they will harbor it. Why do we read that? What's the meaning with the understanding that's why it's very important to get the true spirit of Islam in our

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lives we should know the meanings of these doors. We should try to learn take some time out to learn the meanings of the basic Sutras of the Quran.

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We go to the toilet we come back of the out of the toilet overall And

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Alhamdulillah I love the other herba I need other What are funny. Why do we say that? Well thanks to Allah Who took away all the dirt for few minutes think I was sleeping at night

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and I was in my dreams and the machines of Allah was working in my stomach. All the food and all the chicken and all the fish and all the rights and all the mineral everything we ate bones as well and everything we ate and gobbled up without even thinking and went to sleep and snoring away. Allah's machines are working in the stomach power is being generated blood is being made that residue that dirt is being you know pushed to one side for release in the morning. You will wake up in the morning Alhamdulillah Hilah the other herbal and other all this all dirt residue is coming out from my stomach. If this wouldn't come out, I would die. What are funny 123 days if someone can't go to

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the washroom to the toilet and relieve themselves your life's at risk

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Allah makes it so easy we don't have to do anything I suppose people you know some people have this illness they have to have a bag it's you know the bag with the release and and two three times the tube the bat and through the tube it goes into the bag

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Allah has without any effort go in the morning we just we go to the toilet has no like it's normal. It was my right to go to the toilet every time you go toilet. You can build a connection with Allah. Every time you go to the washroom This is unique connect Rama of Allah, amazing gift. This is if this wouldn't happen, I would I don't know where I would be.

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And then when we do we'll do let's do I was making the intention. Thinking about it. Walk into the masjid every step sins are being forgiven. So you take the step you when you walk to the masjid, even if you're driving every step, you make a step you take a step one sins forgiven, forgiven, forgiven with the brain. 24 hour the mind has to be connected to you. Every human thinks about something.

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We all you know all the time our mind thinks about something. We think about the dunya no problem we can do. We're driving unless we're talking to somebody, or we're listening to somebody. But 24 hours when unless we're sleeping as well. When we are awake, the mind is always thinking about something.

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The Muslim who's alive in spirit thinks more about aka about Allah, you're driving a car, you're thinking one day I'll be before Allah Allah will be asking me questions. I'll be by the whole the pool. How will Janna be imagined? I'll be in my mansion in the Jana. You look at a house do you think the Jana mentioned will be even better? It's just another 10 3040 years average is about 60 I'm going to go it's a long life. You know, this is a short life, eternal life. How will it be? How will grave be just all the time the mind is connected to Allah? Everything we do we sit to eat. Someone goes to somebody's house to eat the foods on the table. This is an amazing network of Allah

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we say Bismillah why are we saying this mitzvah? We thank Allah Alhamdulillah Allah the Amana was akana Muslimeen why do we read the DUA? What's the meaning what's the deeper meaning?

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There's another dua as well after Al Hamdulillah Hilary after eating food, allow Connie

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lavetta Who thanks to Allah Who gave me the taste of food will Ibaka La Quwata who he kept the strength in my stomach and the residue he took it out from my stomach.

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All these things we can think about seven eight ones there was a shell. One of my teachers were mentioning that they were eating with you know lots of the Alama and the sharks said to them the look we are eating here

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there are seven Nirma bounties and gifts of Allah that we can think of in one food. I'm not going to go into them because time we don't have them. Seven this food

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Whew that Allah has given us somebody's house were eating seven, he counted seven different nationals of Allah. And he said, Think of every once were eating, think of these seven Nirma. And keep on saying Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah for every name of Allah, even illness. Some of the owner might have written books that when you're ill, you can think about 66789 10 different reasons why illness sickness is also a near AMA.

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And this actually gives people internal peace, people are depressed today. This is how we gain internal peace, connection with Allah, looking at the positives, looking at the positives rather than the negatives, looking at things in a right way around not the wrong way around when someone passes away, rather than saying, Oh, he went away so early. Look, look what happened. And is it only our family? And is it only me think nobody law didn't give me a right to spend 40 years with my father, Allah gave me 40 years, he could have gone when he was 20. He could have gone when he was 25. He could have had a very bad accident. Allah gave him for 4050 years. I just saw him yesterday.

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Yeah, of course we will be upset. But look at the positives.

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Every aspect of life this is building a connection with Allah thinking when we pray Salah Why Why don't we sometimes have that you know, in Salah that that connection with Allah is because we don't have the Horschel who can only be acquired really by knowing what we are reading sootel father how we stand before Allah like we know we think Hadith says untitled Allah hookah Nakata, Rafa, Ilana, Contura alpha in Iraq, worship Allah as though you are seeing him if you can't let get to the level then at least know that Allah is watching you. So Allahu Akbar, you know standing like thinking okay, I am in the Presence of Allah. And then we say everything we say you with the focus with the

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mind with the heart. Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen why we're saying rob the why we're saying Al Amin, R Rahman r Rahim, what's the difference between R Rahman and what's the difference between Rahim two of the attributes of Allah Malik Yomi Dean, every Muslim must know the meaning of Surah Fatiha we read every day in our life many many times. We've read every you know, part of the newspaper and everything we read online, and we become Muslims and we've spent 3040 years of Islam and we haven't even understood the meanings of Fatiha it is sad. And then the basic sutras I'm Tara saluted, feel sorrow to nurse when all these students basic meanings with concentration. When we say

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subhanallah BL LD and why we're saying that when you recall, think Subhana rugby Adeem when you go into sujood Subhana rugby Allah Allah, what are the meanings of that? When we're sitting here to what does he mean? Here to Lillahi wa salatu wa you're about to hear belongs to Allah Salawat belongs to Allah

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assalamu alayka you have to be you then the DUA has different types of do as you can make as well in Salah which is from the Quran and Sunnah. You don't have to always just say one two hour you can read different two hours, after Salah as well concentration who sure this is if we live a life like that. This is very important. This is what I call a living alive, non robotic, alive Muslim, who has Islam alive in his life. Whereas most of us, we go through the motions. So even marriage and Nika and this is what I was coming to that I told you just 10 minutes I'll go into that.

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People get married, why they're getting married. What is the niqab ceremony? What is it? I just like okay, people do it. You know, I go to the masjid to the mosque. The Imam saying something what is he saying? If I don't know Arabic then he could be speaking in Chinese? I don't know. I don't care. What are you saying? What does he say? And it sounds good. hamdulillah finish and the story? I know I'm married. I accept? No ask ask the Imam Imam before you. Can you tell me what's happening? Where are you? mumbling?

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Which language are you talking? What are you speaking? What is this? The Imam will sell hamdulillah Nakamoto who wanna start you know who want to stop federal who want to study tell him to tell you the meanings write it down on a piece of paper you if you don't know Arabic, when he's reading it, you follow it? This is the meaning.

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This is called Hot bottle Hajah This is the sermon actually even before I started my talk, I read that the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam his habit was before any important matter, especially in marriage, he would recite this sermon and known as hauteville Hajah.

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He would praise Allah who's parliament to Allah, and then he will send blessings on himself sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam,

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Mejia de la Hoefler medulla la rama you'll drill for the hotword famous Courtois. This is sunnah this is actually not a condition for marriage. Marriage is done valid even without this. You know how long marriage takes place in Islam. Four seconds, five seconds that holds me will count it once. Did you give the girl can say I give myself in marriage

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I accept you, then. That's it. The Two Witnesses have to be there. For people be there. The girl says, I give myself to your marriage. I have accepted my marriage. Technically that Nikka is valid. That's it. Everything else is on the site. Nick before that this was reading if you don't even read that Nica has done but why it's a sunnah. And we should do that in that way.

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The messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, after reciting the hotbar, he recited three verses from the Quran, at the time of marriage,

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he chose and this is the Sunnah, and this is what the Imam does. The one conducting the marriage ceremony. That's why in Islam, we don't need the blessings you know, in some other faiths. You have to go to the rabbi or you have to go to the priest. Can you bless us in marriage in Islam, you know, you can you don't, it's good to come to the masjid and have an imam who will check the rules are done. We should, but technically, there's no need to even have an imam or Russia. You can just have it done yourself. Technically speaking, but I still advise of course, so that you know the rules are all

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the messenger sallallahu alayhi. Salam recited three verses from the Quran from Surah Nisa

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from Surah Al Imran, from Surah Tula hisab. Now, there are many verses in the Quran many ayat in which there is the mention of Nika there is a mention of marriage, there is the mention of rights of husband or rights of wife or women or husband. Out of all these verses of the Quran, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not recite none of these verses, then he chi has been done. The imam is reading three verses which have no mention. Nothing Nikka has not mentioned marriage is no ayat. Because the Sunnah is to read these three verses. Here you have NASA Takuro, Bakula, the Halacha comienza Haida wahala commune, huzzah Jaha, Oba Thurman, Homer Regera and Kathy Romani, sir, what

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duckula Lolita Aluna be halal or haram? In Allaha, Ghana, Ali kumara peba I, verse number one, the first first verse of Surah Nisa.

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Here you heard Nassetta Cora Buckham. Oh people Magisto believers, oh people. Fear your Lord, Who created you from one soul and created from that soul it's meet and spread from them to many men and women. And then he said again, fear Allah. Allah, the DISA. Aluna behave through whom you ask your mutual rights while or Harmer and be fearful of Allah from breaking ties are ha what tabular Hama remember in Allah Hakuna alikoum Rapi bah indeed Allah is watching you. Oh groom here sitting. Allah is watching you now and what you tomorrow in what you tonight when you are in your bedroom when you're 550 years old, when you're 72 years old. When you're with your children, when you're with

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your husband, with your wife and then the wife as well being reminded when you're with your husband, when you with your children when you're at home when you're speaking when you're talking when you're gesturing. Allah is watching over you remember you are being watched. You are being you're married. Remember don't don't think that you get married and you and your wife are going to be hiding in honeymoon beach. Allah is watching you there as well. It's like a sign you are being watched.

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Fear Allah two times fear Allah. Second verse. Yeah, you will Latina Ermanno Takala haka Ducati. He will letter moto Illa one two Muslim goon. So that I'm Ron. Oh, you all believers, fear Allah as he ought to be feared. Do not die except in the state of iman. And then the last verse Surah to Lhasa. Here you hold Adina Armand otaku Lucha again oh you believe fear Allah will Gulu colon sadita Say correct appropriate words from your mouth meaning fear Allah before putting your mouth and tongue

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your slash welcome hola como el for local Mizuno Docomo ut la hora Sudha, who forgot further frozen Alima now, out of all these verses, the messenger sallallahu alayhi. Wa early he was so happy he was seldom decided to recite these three verses. What's that golden word common word in all these verses

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you know now I said there's one word steps to a successful marriage. I said there's only one step forget my steps or anyone else's steps. This is what I said at the beginning. The steps mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah by Islam, there's only one step. Only one step. Every issue every problem every marriage counseling, every issue is solved. Every marriage counselor will be out of their job. Every share will be an every mom will be. have free time from giving anyone advice no marriage problems. No mother

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In law daughter in law problems, no sister in law problems, no problems if everyone just acted upon this one thing, which is what? What's mentioned in these ayat

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what's mentioned brothers

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fear of Allah duck. Golden word da off. Wow. Yeah Surah T Hu Wa, wa. The person of Toccoa is Moutai the plural muda Hakuna

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Matata for the woman. The one of Taqwa is also known as tepee. Taqwa what is Taqwa? And why is it being reminded at this time? First we need to know the definition of the cover is taqwa. We say fear of Allah.

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You know, there are some terms in the Arabic language, it's impossible to translate them in any language, we say fear of Allah, but that doesn't really do justice.

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Some words we can't translate, we have to explain them. There's no one word. The Arabic language is very unique.

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What is the core fear of Allah is part of it. But that's not only what Taqwa is. The closest definition of dukkha is as follows.

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Dukkha is that a man or a woman?

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Before they say anything verbally with their mouth, before they physically do anything with their body, any action, any statement, any action.

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And also now before writing anything, whether with a pen or on Facebook, on the internet, or email, or text messaging, or what's happening, or wherever,

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and before gesturing, ishara. Before saying anything, before doing anything, before writing anything before making any gestures.

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They think to themselves, they again use their brains. They reflect and ponder and they think and they do more aka they meditate, they evaluate the you know what, whatever I will say or do or write or make gesture off. I will have to prove it tomorrow in the court of Allah. Allah will question me about this. I said one word to my wife. Allah will say, Why did you say it? What's your proof? What's your justification? Why did you say it? How do you say it? What was the tone that used?

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You raise your hands. Why did you do that? You spoke back to your husband. Why did you say that? You swore at your husband? Why did you shout? Why did you scream? Everything we do, we will be questioned. This Taqwa is important in every part of our life, but especially at the time of marriage becomes doubly important. This is why at a time of Nikka, everybody's being reminded not just the brother who's sitting in front of the Imam, the man the groom, was getting married. He is being reminded his god is being reminded the sister who's going to probably listen to this marriage or she might even be you know, hearing it. She is being reminded. Her parents are being reminded his

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parents are being reminded. The families are being reminded the grandfather is being reminded the grandmother is being reminded. The whole community is being reminded all of you if you want this marriage to work, if you want this marriage to be prosperous, if you want this marriage to be successful, all of you before doing anything, before saying anything, before gesturing about anything before writing anything. think, ponder, evaluate, and know that Allah is going to question you about this on the day of judgment. And then after that, see it or do it or write it or gesture it.

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Mr. Michel Ferreira Hema Hola Hola, Dianna, one of the greatest problems of this ummah, when people used to come to talk to him, just generally people used to have conversation with him. So when someone just talked to him, he would look down for a few minutes.

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For a few seconds, half a minute, one hour, one minute, and then he would raise his head and talk. Somebody came and asked him that all human Why do you do that? Why do you want people to talk to you? Why do you just talk back straightaway? He said, I looked down and I think, had it for another higher of Il Kalami OfficeSuite. I meditate. And I think I evaluate whether it's better to speak or whether it's better to stay quiet. I place myself before Jana and Johanna, I think what I'm going to say will take me to hellfire or will it take me to paradise. And then I opened my mouth very carefully. I choose the words carefully. I choose the tone carefully.

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We talk Allah has given us an AMA we just talk whatever comes out from the mouth, you know, Gera, how to scenario the whole TM Allah your thermal Majora Khalifa pulmonaria, poetry line of poetry in Arabic, the wounds we know the wounds of the tongue, they can't be healed. And this actually what causes problems in marriages. Men and women when they

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Get married, they think they can say anything however they want to say. Or the other person is a human being they your spouse, they your husband, your wife, sometimes our sisters, you know, they just think okay, well we can say whatever we want, it doesn't matter who cares, you know, shout, scream, whatever.

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This actually, every tone word, we will say Allah will question us.

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And this is the main tip of a successful marriage, how we talk and this is why so, being reminded at the time of marriage, that this is important in every part of our lives. But especially reminder the time of marriage because it becomes more important, why does it become more important? Because before marriage, you are alone, you are alone, you are not alone. You are still living with your family, you are living with your parents, but you are not connected to somebody as closely as you will be when you get married. You are at home but you had your own bedroom, your sister sleeping at home, you've got your you might be sharing it with your sister wherever but you're still not there's

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nothing connected. You're by yourself. And then you grow up you have your own room. Your parents, you know you have room rights you as a man as well. You have your own place. When you get married. You're sharing a house, you're sharing a room, you're sharing, you know, bills, you're sharing food together, you're you're shopping together, you're eating together everything is now you're no longer a bachelor

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no longer someone who can just come home anytime they want and don't think about anybody do anything what sleep however you want. Before if I was in my bed and I could snow like anything who cares? Now if I snow? I need to be careful. As a good Muslim husband. I need to ask my wife does my snoring disturb you? That's bad. I am not happy. I need to sort myself out. I need to try. If you know please seek forgiveness please Why forgive me? You know I'm I'm disturbing your sleep. If you don't if you if you'd want. I can go and sleep downstairs for a while. Seriously, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would wake up at tahajjud Salah in the middle of the night. He would tiptoe slowly,

00:32:10--> 00:32:11

so that

00:32:12--> 00:32:24

when he makes will do when he's walking. It does not disturb the sleep of his beloved wife. Aisha Radi Allahu anha when we wake up for tahajjud if we do wake up, we'll make sure that everybody in the house knows

00:32:25--> 00:32:27

hamdulillah Yes.

00:32:28--> 00:32:34

I'm waking up every look at this house to many people sleeping in his house. You know, the hygiene is very important.

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Because it's not necessary. You can advise like wake up but if not, then you don't disturb people, disturbing all these things because now once you're married, there's someone else is connected to you. And that's why there's a hadith.

00:32:50--> 00:33:07

There's a hadith and Sunnah Telemedia where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said that when a person lives with others, then naturally feelings will be hurt. l Muslim will letter you Holly to NASware Yesware Allah home Jairo middle Muslim Illa de la Johan, little NAS, whether you're

00:33:08--> 00:33:18

a believer who doesn't mix in with people, and therefore he doesn't have to exercise sovereign patience if someone lives alone on top of a mountain on one island.

00:33:19--> 00:34:00

Nobody to hurt nobody's feelings to hurt, nobody's going to hurt your feelings. No, nothing, no problem. The hadith says that that Muslim man or a woman who lives with people, and therefore he has to, or she has to exercise somewhere because that person's feelings will definitely be hurt. The hadith is saying that once we live with people, then it's impossible for feelings not to be hurt. Because everyone's different. Everyone thinks differently. A man thinks differently from another man here in marriage is not even. It's a man and a woman. There's a difference between man and a woman. Every human being thinks differently, talks differently, has different interests, how every human

00:34:00--> 00:34:32

being has a different opinion about what's right and what's wrong. And then if there's two different genders, then it's even big difference. Men are from Mars Women are from Venus we make we are completely different species. Women thinks about things differently. They have needs which are different to men. One of the greatest reasons of problems in marriage is this that men and women they forget that they have married a woman forget so they're married a man and a man forget to marry the woman. The man has lived all his life with his friends as a bachelor. He thinks that this is another meeting the marriage this is another like I love shisha with again, you know, this is a this

00:34:32--> 00:34:59

is a you know, just like my friend that I used to hand out to it. This is not your friend. More than a friend of course. But this is a woman. She is psychologically mentally emotionally different. A woman needs to think this is not my friend that I used to talk to two hours and she would say Oh really, really? You know for two hours. She could listen this is a man man called listen to two hours of conversation. So realize that

00:35:00--> 00:35:38

When a man wants his wife to be like him and when a woman wants his her husband to be like her, that's the one of the causes of marital problems. Men, women do things differently. A woman needs attention. She needs a woman by nature is more very sensitive. Allah has created that's the beauty of a woman. This is actually derived from a hadith there's a hadith in Sahih al Bukhari elsewhere, where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wasalam, said Allah to Holyoke admin the holy cut him in the line, Al mer took a delivery and another Eva Julio caught when they were in we're in love with delivery Allah who, in the hubster to Pema haka. Sarita when he's dumped data is dumped data via Wi

00:35:38--> 00:35:57

Fi or allege a woman is created from a rib, the rib is bent, the most drab bent part of it is the upper part. If you try to straighten the rib, then it will snap, therefore just derive benefit as it is. Now this hadith is not condemning or like looking down on the women as some non Muslims have understood. There's a commentary on this hadith.

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You know, people need to understand the Hadith property I have a small booklet which I don't know if you've seen 40 Hadith. I gathered with commentary and one of the Hadith I talked about this, this hadith in detail. This hadith is telling a man not that a woman is bent or no no, is telling a man that Oh, husband, man, no realize that your wife is not is different. For you. She may seem bent because she seems different. She's she's not acting like a man. So she seems different. vant here means different. And likewise for a woman to understand that the man is different. Therefore, the man has been told the look, oh, husband, don't try to straighten her. Don't try to make her like a

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man. Don't try to make her like you. Don't make him. Don't don't have this.

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thought in your mind that I will make my wife just like me. She has to think like me. She has to like things like me, it won't happen. You've married a woman. You're not married a man. If you forget, and keep it in your hand and say I married a woman. I'm married a woman I married a woman. Just remind yourself. Oh yeah, married a woman. I'm not married a woman. Because some men forget. I like because women as well think my husband is a man whose man is a man not a woman.

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Because people forget a woman is by nature sensitive. You know, some sisters, they'll know this. They cry sometimes. You ask them why they're crying. I told you you know what? I'm crying.

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I don't know. I just feel like crying. This is why crying. I don't know I'm cry. I just feel like today I feel like crying. Now, some people smile at this. That's normal. That's normal. For a woman that's part of being a woman if that didn't happen to a woman. I mean, she's not a woman. By nature, a woman is more sensitive, she's emotional, she's fragile she needs that's why the Quran says Why should wouldn't have been a model of give a lot of attention, love. And by nature, the husband needs to have control. A husband needs to be respected. This is why in Islam, the biggest right for the wife. This is another topic. The most important right for the wife is good treatment, love, care,

00:38:04--> 00:38:16

attention, being sensitive towards them, giving them so much so much like care and attention, giving them lots and lots of attention. That's the main right, everything else comes afterwards.

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And you know what the biggest rights of the husband is respect, considering the husband to be the Emir of the house. This is my man. This is the head of the household. Allah made the man Amir, if Allah made this wife Amelia said, no problem. We use whatever whoever if Allah said the son or the daughter, whoever, Allah is a highly Creator, He created a man who created the woman. The problem today is that and this is a perfect men and women the way they've been created. Allah is a highly Creator, He knows best how he's created. And he knows the roles, both men and women. This is a perfect jigsaw puzzle. Men and women have been created as counterparts not to compete with one

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another. They don't have to be same. There's equality in Islam but not similarity. Men have been given rights women have been given rights. Well, who number three, Allah the Allah hinda will Marouf. Everyone's given the rights. But there's no similarity. There's a difference between equality and similarity. equality means that you have your own rights. And you you know, at the end of it, all the rights they become equal, like in inheritance.

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Once I was at a university, giving a lecture and non Muslims stood up, said, Islam is not equal to as women as I said, Why sending inheritance? The sun gets two times.

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Yeah, the sun gets to fold while it is occurring through her own thing, and the daughter gets one.

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I said, Okay, you've only looked at one thing. There's so many other things, but just give me one example. If you bring another one that I'll give you another one. But you've said to one, two men, the messengers that Allah who it was sent him was asked, Who do I look after my father, mother? He said some, he said omec now

00:40:00--> 00:40:38

And who? Your mother, then who OMAC your mother, then who from above then your father, three times Mother. One time father, as a US mentioned the match, which was to one, two, the men have given you another match, which is 312 women, what's the aggregate Score? Score? Three to two women. So it's three two right now, because they want to one here is three one here. If you bring another give me another example where women, men have been given more, I'll give you another one. We'll see at the end, what are the end results will be women will have definitely more rights. He couldn't bring any other example. So each individual thing might seem like what someone's been given more rights, but

00:40:38--> 00:40:48

if you look at the whole of Islam, it balances itself out 50 50% So in Islam, there is equality but not similarity. similarity is wrong.

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Women can't say that, Oh, you know, men do this. We want to do this. No, there's different roles, then why then we'll just have women walking on the streets with marching saying, Oh, it's not fair. Why do we get pregnant mentioned get pregnant? It's unfair men giving men should be breastfeeding now as well. There's nothing there's something wrong. There's just no equality. No, there's different roles. This is a role of a woman there's a role for men. So therefore, there's some there's equality but not similarity. And that's why in Islam, women what they need what Allah knows a woman needs is Love is care attention. What a man needs is being respected, looked up to given the

00:41:34--> 00:42:14

respect. Some people say, well, the he has to learn earn respect. I say no, no, no, there isn't. He doesn't have to earn respect. Yes, he must not lose respect. There's a difference between the two. As soon as you get married, Allah has given the man respect he doesn't have to earn it like okay, one year, I'll have to earn respect no, no by nature in marriage. A man has got the respect. Originally our Munna Allah Nisa, me my father, Allahu Allah, God will be my infallible minimally him for slightly hurt until the end of the ayah. So men are, you know, a war moon, given the breadwinners, the care takers, the heads of the household. And women need that love and attention.

00:42:14--> 00:42:31

The biggest ride for the man is respect. That's why men by nature have been created that they don't like to be told by the women, you know, if a man's driving and the wife will say, Oh, you know, you've taken the wrong turn. Even if you know you've done wrong, it's a no, no, you don't know I'm going the other way. There's another way. You don't know. How can you tell me you know, you're wrong anyway.

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But that's men. How, like, you don't want to be told by your wife. No problem. That's why women need to understand men that you know, even if you know that they're wrong, sometimes use a way to correct them. One of the biggest points in marriages you need to be, you know, have a lot of diplomacy in how you talk. So this is the biggest right given to men respect. Women need to be submissive. Women remained women. If women remained women, and men played the role of being men, who would have good marriages. This is a perfect match. A man and a woman is a perfect match. But today, marriages end up in divorce. Why? Because the man is no longer a proper man has become half man, half woman, not

00:43:17--> 00:43:53

everybody, some. And a woman is no longer a proper woman, sensitive, gentle, you know, emotional, someone who needs like cries, you know, just looks up to the husband playing a woman who you wrote, No, they're aggressive. They've become half men. When you have a half man and a half woman marrying another half man and a half woman, there's going to be a problem. Because it's too similar people. If you have a man marrying a woman, then hamdulillah will work. But not a half man, half woman marrying a half man, half woman. This is why Islam says men be men play the role of being men. Women have to be women and play the role of being a women women. And this understanding the differences.

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Women have fragile, the gentle they need the current tension. So going back to the tug of war issue.

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At all times decoy is being reminded.

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But especially at the time of marriage, because when we live with somebody, people are different. I was saying people are different. So now your wife will say things will do things will make decisions about things which you will not like you're it's normal because you're different. You don't have the same brain. Likewise, your husband might driving away or your husband might do say something about the kids, your husband might do something at home, which you don't like you don't agree with normal. The hadith says

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in this case, the only way forward is to do Subak give advice in a nice gentle way, but the only way forward is sovereign patience, because your feelings will be hurt and Enuma your facade Runa Agera homebuilt Adi Saab. The reward for people of Sabah and patience is without any limit in the Alcala be radio Hisar been so dakara

00:45:00--> 00:45:00

Ponce's

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because people will do things differently. So Taqwa is being reminded, at this time of marriage, that you're going to get married. Now, when you go back home, you're going to live a life, where at every point and at every junction you will need Taqwa the fear of Allah at every point you will need the fear of Allah. How we speak, how we talk. This is why one of the is the third Iowa's reminded

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you Alladhina amanu Takala Are you believe fear Allah and say that which is correct? When I speak to my husband, I need to make sure every letter as a wife that comes out from my mouth must be appropriate, the tone must be appropriate. If I am a husband, when I talk to my wife, every letter every word, the way of my conversing, talking, must be in light of the spirit of Sharia. There was one share from Pakistan whose name was Dr. Abdullahi Adi Farah, Mo Allah.

00:45:57--> 00:46:20

Regarding him, one of my teachers was mentioning that once he said to some of his students that he said, I've been married for 55 years. And I will tell you, and I can vouch for it that in 55 years, he was in his late 60s or 70s, early 70s. In 55 years of being married, I have never spoken to my wife in a high tone. I've never raised my voice.

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Imagine this is what you call someone who's pious piety. This is why the Hadith says when you get married, don't give give consideration to other things. But your ultimate and utterly urbane lemma you have Alicia Marie how will you know so be how will it Dina Dean Dean is taqwa you if you have a wife or a husband, who is God fearing? who fears Allah? If you have a husband, who fears Allah, if you have a wife who fears Allah before they talk to you, before they speak to you, they fear Allah. They know that you know if I raise my voice over my wife voice, Allah in question, if I say something, Allah will question me, if I scream and shout, Allah will question me, if I nag, Allah

00:47:05--> 00:47:40

will question me, if I swear at my husband, if I curse my husband, if I say bad things to my husband, all of this Allah will there'll be a whole list the angels are writing everything down. And Allah will question me about every letter that comes from my mouth. This is why we should regularly you know every not every week, I think every night husband and wife should forgive each other. Who knows you're going to wake up in the morning if you forgive that inshallah Allah and forgive, but we have just forgiven us every night before going to sleep. You know what, not just before umara brother I'm going oh my god, please you know, whatever I've said to forgive me. I don't know where

00:47:40--> 00:47:59

that we just think the only time to seek forgiveness. It's become like a custom now. It's like, normally people feel like ego How can I Oh bla bla, please forgive me. There's an ego to Omaha time. Nobody. Even the most proud arrogant person will send a text. Why? Because it's become custom like as normal you do again, the robotic Muslim things people just do robotically.

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Every night?

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We should husband wife should say okay, I don't know if you will wake up tomorrow or if I'll wake up tomorrow. Who knows of this is his death. Soul has been taken in the middle of the night. Allah may release it may not. I forgive you, you forgive me every night. The only way is this taqwa in life. God consciousness. That's the closest translation. Allah consciousness being conscious of the fear of Allah being watchful by Allah, that everything we say we do, we will be questioned about this and Allah will question us, and they will be recognized they'll be hisab homeowners on Euro bill Alameen. The day when the whole of mankind will stand before Allah Who subhanaw taala. Before

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Buddha, Allah mean the Lord of the mankind, everything we've done with our family or with anybody else, we are being watched. And this is the only really this is the only step to a successful marriage. Nothing else works, nothing. Guaranteed. This is a tested, tried approved, every other method may be successful, but it's not 100% Nothing. Because accountability of next life is so strong.

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You don't need any police. You don't need anyone's advice you don't want you don't need anyone saying that. Okay, I'm gonna watch what you guys do. You fear Allah. That's why having a husband who is fearful of Allah or a wife, who is fearful of Allah is conscious of Allah subhanaw taala that makes the marriage successful. And also along with that, and I will end with this in the next three, four minutes.

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Along with that, that Taqwa also part of the taqwa

00:49:45--> 00:49:59

is having someone before getting married. A woman should look for someone and before getting married a man should look for and if you're already married, then you should try to you know both husband and wife should try to go to this

00:50:00--> 00:50:01

path, which is

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along with taqwa, working on one's heart. So you could say this is a second thing but it's part of Taqwa

00:50:10--> 00:50:18

working on the heart, such an important part of the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah. But Afla Hammonds occur.

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Such an important part. What does that mean working on the heart, working on the heart means what? It means that every Muslim it's farther is obligatory upon every Muslim woman and man until they die, that along with the external sins that they avoid. And along with external things like solid foreign things that we do, there are so many sins which are connected to the heart, and so many obligations which are connected to the heart. We have to until we die, we have to work on them. So you've got all these blameworthy character traits, all these diseases, all the sins, which I mentioned the Quran, whichever way you want to do this, you know, that's a different matter, however

00:51:02--> 00:51:05

you do this, but every Muslim has to do it.

00:51:06--> 00:51:51

So the Quran talks about jealousy, being a disease of the heart. I want you to talk when I went through every single spiritual disease and connected it to marriage, how it has a direct impact on marriage. Every spiritual disease woman surely has any other hazard. The Quran says later Hausa do does Hadith letter has to do don't have jealousy. lacunae about Allah Juana has said is the first person who was bliss. It's a severe severe, severe major sin. If you get married and you haven't, we haven't got rid ourselves of jealousy. We haven't worked on our hearts to remove jealousy from our hearts. If a wife has jealousy, every time she sees her friend should complain to her husband. Look

00:51:51--> 00:52:36

at her. Look how her husband is cheating. Now, look at their house. Look at her husband was she jealous with the sister in law, one sister in law who is jealous with another sister in law every time jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. Likewise, the husband every time something happens, he's jealous. It has a direct impact. In Islam, we have to get rid of jealousy and replace it with ethos, giving preference to others, wanting good for others what we want for us, this is this is the quality the Sahaba had. Likewise, love of dunya love of dunya is a spiritual disease. Every time If a wife has a spiritual disease of worldly materialistic, worldly love, Islam says earn wealth but have love of

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Allah and His Messenger don't let wealth and materialistic things come into the heart. If you have if we have the spiritual disease, if a wife has this every time you're not giving me any money, you're not doing this. I need every time you go she's got 25 shoes and she wants another pair of shoes. She's got 10 handbags she wants another handbag every time just love of dunya just materialistic things just wants dunya world world world and if your husband has a spiritual disease he will be stingy he'll he won't give money properly he wants spend the wife will say give me some What do you what's the currency here? Sorry.

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Okay, you say god is this easy?

00:53:15--> 00:53:30

Give me dollars. You say okay, why do you want $1? Okay, how much okay, well, you're going to buy one potato Okay, you want one potato you know, it's going to be so stingy he's gonna love of dunya his his stingy money can't come out from his pocket, problems in marriage, direct linked with marriage.

00:53:32--> 00:54:14

And likewise, many other spiritual diseases loss. Your class is very important. The opposite of the spiritual disease is ostentation, we are doing things for the sake of others. Islam says whatever we do, not just offering salah and prayer and fasting and talks and lectures and teaching and advising. That has to be for Allah subhanaw taala. But even good luck, and I'll end with this. This is very important. You know, in every religion in every faith, in every community in the whole world. Everyone says good manners. Love is good, isn't it? Everyone encourages even an atheist would say, be truthful. Be nice, be gentle, man. Be kind Be considerate. You know.

00:54:16--> 00:54:19

Islam says the same thing. But there's one difference between Islam and everybody else.

00:54:21--> 00:54:28

In when everyone else says it, be hospitable, Be good mannered, be generous, be nice.

00:54:29--> 00:54:59

You want to do it so that you make others happy. In Islam. It's not even for the other person. The main intention, aim is loss for the sake of Allah, Allah subhanaw taala. That's it. Even when you're good to your wife. I am good to my wife, to please Allah, she will be pleased. I want her to be pleased. But really, it's because Allah, I am good to my parents. I am being nice to my parents. Because Allah has ordered me I am good to my husband, because Allah has ordered me I want to make my lord happy.

00:55:00--> 00:55:30

I wonder rewarding the alcara when I'm good to my children, I want the reward in the arcade. It's not even for that person. And this solves a lot of problems. I have so many people, you know, when they email or when the court, you know, the wife whom speak on the phone, or you know what, I have done this, and I've done this, I've done so much, but he doesn't do I said, Okay, you've done all this, but this is not buying, selling, this is not a transaction. It's not though he feels good to me, then I'll be good to him. Or if she's good to me, if you do, you scratch my back, then I scratch your back, you know, you cook me food, then I'll speak nicely to this is not a transaction, do

00:55:30--> 00:55:59

things for the sake of Allah forget the other person. Of course, you need to avoid zoom, and oppression. But we are not full being good to our husbands or wives. So only because they will be good to us or they are good to us. That is buying and selling marriage, not not a transaction. It's not a transaction. We are not good to our parents so that they are good to us. We are not good to our children, so that they will be good to us when they in our old age. If that's the intention, and there's no reward. I was once driving a car in the back of the car, I saw a sign.

00:56:01--> 00:56:07

Look after your children take care of them because they will be the ones choosing your nursing home old age home and you old

00:56:08--> 00:56:41

people you know, look after your children because they will look after you No that's wrong intention. There's no power, there's no reward. You don't do that. You want because Allah has given you this job responsibility of tarbiyah of Islamic upbringing. Giving them love attention, bringing up good good believers. This is the intention. So if you're a husband and you do it for the sake of Allah, if you're a wife, you do it for the sake of Allah. This is what you call last and sincerity. So connection with the heart. Inshallah. So I'm going to end with this. The summary is what's the most successful tip to marriage.

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Fear of allah God consciousness before saying anything before writing anything before making any gestures. And before doing anything verbally, thinking about the consequences, knowing and realizing that we will be questioned and then taking the step in marriage. If people do that every single day of the marriage in the beginning will be difficult. Then after about a few months, it will become your second nature. Someone might say oh, how can I do that every single day. It's difficult in the beginning, but after a few months, it becomes our second nature then you don't even have to think think for two seconds. First day you might have to think for 10 minutes, but after a few weeks

00:57:20--> 00:57:28

months, it becomes your second nature. Because we change Allah makes us change may Allah grant us the TOEFL to change inshallah and give us prosperous marriages inshallah.