Tips For Good Family Relations

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Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Episode Notes

In this lecture Sheikh discusses some of the tips and steps for maintaining healthy family relations. Delivered at Masjid Hamza in New York on April 17, 2016.

Episode Transcript

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to low heat.

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We thank Allah subhana wa tada we praise Him

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all gratitude and sugar for lots of panel data for granting us the ability to feel today to be here, in this blessing gathering in this placid Masjid, in New York.

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I would like to thank the organizers, the Imam of the masjid the committee, the people in charge here for arranging this program for inviting me for giving me the opportunity to be here with you and speak. And also all of you for coming today in sha Allah, may Allah subhanho wa Taala Give me the understanding to say that it's beneficial for all of us and make it beneficial for us and maybe allow us to act upon what I will discuss, discuss inshallah. Tada. I mean,

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the topic of today's discussion

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is family matters. I think family values of family matters. Family Matters and family matters.

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Family Matters, family matters. To you understand the difference between the two. Family Matters, family issues, because family matters. It really matters.

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I don't know if you understand my accent. Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. I would also like to say it's an honor and a privilege to be here in your country. In your story in your the city of New York, like like the brother said, It's my first time here. I've mentioned this in other programs that I've been to the United States many, many times, like I came a long time ago, many different states, Detroit, Chicago, California like eight nine times. But here in New York, it's the first time

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and I'm very pleasantly surprised and pleasantly surprised with certain things. And of course there are certain things that are not so pleasant, but that's with every place of course.

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This issue is a very important issue.

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When we look at Islam, when we look at the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah when we look at the teachings of Allah and His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

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we find that there is a great deal of emphasis in Islam in the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah in the teachings of the verses of the Quran and in the teachings of the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam a great deal of emphasis on family matters and family issues, a lot of importance, a lot of significance, a lot of relevance has been given on maintaining ties. And there's a lot of importance given on the severity and the dislike and the sinfulness of breaking ties. Many, many verses, I mean, I don't have time I'm not going to quote all these verses and headings, because I want to talk about four four main points before I mentioned those four points.

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The importance, there's a great deal of emphasis. This whole issue is a branch of Islam. You know, Islam has many branches, many aspects of the teachings of Islam. It's not just one aspect this particular branch of Islam is known as the aspect of more Ashura in Arabic recorded Marsha. Marsha is from the word Mashallah beshara means to live. You know, human being is a social animal, we all live with one another. We can't go and live in a jungle somewhere on top of a mountain or on a cliff. Human beings by nature, we are social animals we live with one another. So a Shara means to live with one another. More Arusha means social loads, social social etiquette, social guidelines of

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Islam, family is a social affair. So therefore this is a fundamental branch of the teachings of Islam. I mean, there's there's discussion but the you know, the teachings of Islam have been divided into five major branches we have a chi which are the beliefs, so that's one fifth of the teachings of Islam, everything related to what a Muslim was believing and what he must not believe in. Then we have another category of all the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah relating to worship. But so all the laws of prayer, of Salah, of fasting of Zakat of Hajj of the head Jude of shahrokh prayer of Vicar or the recitation of the Quran worshipping Allah, everything that's one fifth of the teachings

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of Islam if somebody has occurred correct, and then he's like a very, very punctual Muslim in terms of like worshiping Allah, Allah fastings occurred, genre. Three, instead of four recitation of the Quran and all of that, that person is only acting upon two branches of the teachings of Islam. Then you have a third branch, each of these branches then further categories, each category requires like a 10 hour discussion. This is why in one hour is very difficult. Each branch has further subcategories different aspects. But then you have the third branch the third branch is the branch will be called more arm a lot more arm a lot, which means financial dealings, financial

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transactions, there's books of Hadith and the Quranic verses are filled with laws with don'ts and do's with injunction.

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With guidelines on how to earn money, what's Halloween earning money? What's wrong? What what are the laws of financial transactions, the books or chapters are dedicated to, to earning to renting to, to hiring to, you know, dealing all of these issues employment. It's a branch of the teachings of Islam, like a one fifth of teachings of Islam. And number four, we have more Marsha Marsha is this branch that I'm talking, just touching upon it, like we're not even talking about it. But it's the branch which is the branch of social family lose many, many aspects, many aspects. And then you have the fifth branch of the teachings of Islam, which is the aspect of the internal diseases and

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this is connected to the fourth but the internal diseases like Islam, the Quran and Sunnah talk about you know that every Muslim must work on the heart and remove jealousy and hatred and enmity and pride and ostentation and Ria and showing off and love of dunya and you know all these other things and replace them with sincerity with love for Allah His Messenger Salallahu alaihe salam removed jealousy. All the this is a whole branch. five branches in order to be called a practicing Muslim, a Muslim must implement the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah relating to all five branches. We can't be partial Muslim, we can't be quarter Muslim, we can't be one fifth Muslim, we can't be

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250 Muslims, or three fifths or just four fifths. In order to be practicing. We have to be a full full time Muslim or try to be full time so nobody's perfect. But we have to be tried to be full time Muslims and the Quran talks about this. Yeah, you're Latina? amanu the Holo filmmaker oh you who believe enter into Islam fully, totally wholeheartedly. Don't just practice on parts of Islam have a two min una Viva La kita una Viva Are you believing and acting upon certain parts of the book of Allah and discarding some others like why picking and choosing in order to be a full Muslim all these branches of Islam have to be acted upon. So this is one branch Mashallah which is social

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etiquette and within that this law, social etiquette with neighbors with relatives with the wider community with non Muslims with with Muslims with people around us in the business sector. This is all social etiquettes from that social etiquette laws there's one aspect which is the aspect of family family issues, family and relatives. So much emphasis the Quran is filled you know if you look at the Quran, you will see that there's actually less versus an ayat of the Quran and less importance given. Sorry, I wouldn't say less important is given but there's less verses in the Quran that will deal with the other category, especially a bar that the Quran is very limited when it

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comes to that. There's no way in the Quran. There's no way we just offer three records mother if there's no in the Quran, Allah has mentioned the three records of neglect. The word Muslim has just about being used. But anyway in the Quran from Surah Al Fatiha terminology in the oneness. You find Salah for a karate lil Maverick. There's no way there's no way there's no way there's four out of

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why do we pray Of course we pray because we don't just act upon the Quran we act upon the Quran and the Sunnah. And this is actually wrong You know, like it's a disease where if you want to just do away with Islam, you see only I can only act upon the Quran that's one of the ways of doing away with like everything in Islam. There's no Islam left, because there's no five prayers, nothing. So Sunnah is the explanation of the Quran. The Quran said that itself little beginner, leanness or messenger will reveal the verses of the Quran to you so that you explain in your commentary, your teachings or the culture of the Koran, but what I'm saying that if you look at the Koran, the Koran

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is limited when it comes to worship, the laws of Salah the laws of Zakat and Hajj. But when it comes to more Arusha, the Quran goes into extreme detail a lot of talks about marriage in extreme detail about dowry, if you fix a dowry if you don't fix a dowry about divorce, the second divorce, the divorce if this happens in this scenario, that scenario,

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even what the financial transactions you know, the longest verse in the Quran, the longest verse of the Quran is not about praying. It's not about it's not about hedge it's not about Amara, it's not about how to dress as a Muslim is not about wearing a long robe is not about growing a beard is not about wearing a hat. It's not about the carbs, these things are important. I don't want to take anything off of these things that are important. But sometimes what happens some people we as Muslims, we've restricted Islam, like some people think Islam is to do just with the heart like okay, I'm a good character.

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Your heart has to be clean whatever I do, whether I pray or not hostile heart has to be clean. Wrong, wrong understanding of Islam, for some people is just like, the only thing for them Islam is like somebody grows a beard that's Islam that's like quote, unquote, like naught point naught point naught point naught point naught point naught point point of Islam, like that's just like the Dutch in Atlantic Ocean. Everything doesn't revolve around that. For some people. It's just a job. Someone's just a new car. This is just a.of the teachings of Islam. What Amala the longest verse in the Quran is more or less deals with

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What the sorry, the longest verse of the Quran. The longest verse is known as ayatul, Medina, Medina is is that deals with credit transactions, you alladhina amanu, either to the iron tone between Elijah Muslim and Fox to boo, or you who believe when you take a credit transaction, write it down to do when they take a loan from Abdullah, write it down, you took $5,000 loan when you're going to pay it back how you're going to pay it back on what date you'll be paying it back. Well, you have to buy it from Khartoum when it goes into detail, who should write how it should be written how the contract should be written. So this is all Islam. More Asha is very detail explained in the Quran.

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So much emphasis given so much emphasis in not just the Quran, but also in the Hadees. on maintaining family ties, maintaining family ties, maintaining the ties of kinship, when I say family, in this talk, when I talk about when I say the word family, I don't I'm not going to I do not refer just to the immediate family like your sibling or husband, wife or father, son. When I say family. I mean like the extended family your first cousin I don't know if you say the word cousin here but relative or first cousin, your uncle, your aunt, and and you know, just the full family. Many, many, many verses of the Quran. This is similar to Ryan. This is what we call in Arabic,

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similar to Rahim, maintaining the ties of kinship. Similar to Rahim is maintaining the ties of kinship. The opposite of that, which is a major sin, it's a major Haram in Islam. I'm just saying the introduction right now I've got four points that I want to really talk about, but just five minutes on this introduction. And there's those four really important points. Because, you know, we need to take away with something that's a reminder, I mentioned this in another talk yesterday or the day before, that, sadly, we are living in a time where talks have become a means of entertainment. It's all about who can speak and who can entertain and who can you know, whose

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lecture we can enjoy. And that's not lectures are not objective. lectures are what supposed to be a

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means to an objective. We've made lectures and objective that Oh, yeah, I've done my job now, like finished No, no lectures is like quick, listen, make notes, put it in the head, let's go out into the field and let's start acting upon it. It's not about entertainment, it's not about enjoyment. It's not about the sound. It's not about the rhythm is not about the voice. It's not about a thesaurus. You know, and sometimes, you know, like students like me, when we we try to when we like how do I impress people? Like how do I do a good lecture? How could I captivate and you know, make one sentence and this sentence right when I was studying

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you know, so then I be a big lecture it's not a it's not a performance machine. This becomes an entertainment it's like a performance like everyone's becoming a sheep it's performance that's you do it in another field not in Islam. This is not performance. lectures are not supposed to be entertainment and we shouldn't be like just after entertainment Islam is about learning, beneficial knowledge and then acting upon that knowledge. So this four points that I want to talk about but similar to Rahim, and Katia Torah, these are two opposite words. Emphasis on the obligation of syllable rhyme, maintaining the ties of kinship, Salah in Arabic, you say Salah Rahim is kingship

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you know the word Rahim in Arabic? It's a very unique, very deep word.

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It's a very deep word. You must have heard of the word Rahim or at least You must have heard of the word ram or Rama. All these are related.

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Rama compassion mercy. Rahim is the womb. You know when when people are related, they all are related to like one you know a mother grandmother, one son, the other son, daughter then their children grandchildren first cousin, you all go back to a womb. That's why it's called sailor joining of all this to a wound, similar to Rahim. And then it's also from the root word. There's compassion. There's urashima there's mercy all of this is connected. Katia to Rahim is from the word pata, which means to break breaking, breaking the ties of kinship. So major on the Quran says those people

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Farsi Hoon, Allah says alpha Kuhn before that he said something and then he said, First, who are the ones who are fossick sinners, Allah gives us a definition of fasting who is a fasting Allah is the first set or alladhina yakata una, Amara la who be a new sun, those who break gotta yocto owner they break the ties that Allah enjoyed upon them to maintain those who break off ties for cut off relationship, who who dis unite with family members and relatives who cut off this tie of kinship? These are the first a boon in the verse of the Quran. Emphasis on maintaining ties, so many verses that talk about you know, and so many Heidi's talk about the importance of maintaining ties, there's

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howdy it's like weather messages of love.

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While he was telling me he, he said that a lot actually, this is a hardihood See, we last spoke and he said that the one who maintained ties I will maintain that person and the one who breaks ties, I will break that person has had it's like Luminato como Casa de la voce certain format $1 now, whoever whoever do none of you should desert your fellow like your real blood brother but then even your fellow Muslim brother more than three days three nights whoever dies and they're deserting their brother or sister they're not talking to them and they die in that state fermata de Hala nor shall enter Hellfire, severe warning habito Bukhari Muslim, and there's numerous Hadees there's like

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a hadith

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numerous Hadees

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you know that there's a hadith in Santa Fe

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which is

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the chain of transmission is not absolute sound, but it's authentic enough to be related with the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he was talking about later to Bora Bora is the night of the 15th of Shabbat. There's approximately 12 or 13 Hadees to talk about it. Some weeks are not some more like collectively It's okay. It's just another scholar discussion. I don't want to go but I just wanted to mention that because some people disagree with certain things. But there's a headache in the sooner if you are very happy with the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was talking about the night of the 15th of Shabbat we are right now what are we in ritual right now. So Shabbat will

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come the night of the 15th of Shabbat, a little nice Roman Shabbat. It's called a little Bara. He was talking about the virtues he was talking about in this night. Allah subhanaw taala frees many people from Hellfire, like they are written that these people are freed many how many people 1000s of people how many messengers that allowed me to send him described a number he said, there's so many that you can't even count them. He said your typical la houfy homina nury because of the sharing economy, but he called in order to express how many people to show them the excessive number. He said to the companions that a love freeze on that night an amount, an amount from

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Hellfire that is equal to the number of hair that is on the body of all the animals and capitals owned by the tribe called

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calabaza. tribe blue collar. They used to own lots and lots of animals. Imagine 1000s of animals, goats and sheeps and cows, every animal all the hair on the body, all of it that many people are love freeze.

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We have a laila Laila to this woman shot.

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But then he said after that,

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however, what a young daughter wha hoo Illa

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Allah forgives so many people but on this night, let alone Allah forgiving Allah does not even look with mercy at who it is either.

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Or to the one who breaks ties with Allah, Allah Masha hain, the one who has enmity in the heart, hatred in the heart for others. What are our mood the mini Hummer, the one who's an alcohol addict, an alcohol addict? And what Elon Musk built the one who lengthens his government out of pride and arrogance, and this is also showing about arrogance and pride has got to do with mainly, you know, predominantly with

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this kinship.

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Let alone look at them. This is just hiding that came to my mind even later to kodra we all know in order to cover

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the date of all the actual night of this was the knowledge of this was lifted up from our oma because of two people here then as the two people who were arguing argumentation, the so much importance on ciliata Rahim but sadly speaking, we find and I don't know how the dynamic is in here in this country or in this state or in this city. But I've I feel see this many times in the UK and many other places that the more does emphasis on salat, or Rahim and maintaining ties and the more there is emphasis in the Quran and Sunnah. The more we find this unity breaking of ties, you know, seriously at every level of society, at every level of society, from racism, we look at different

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cultures and groups. There's there's break, there's disunity, there's racism, every level of society, within family within relatives, internal family, first family, second family, third family, amongst Masjid it's every level of Muslim society. And this is one of the biggest crisis of the time one of the greatest Britain of the time. That's This is why the Muslims are being you know, like humiliated wherever we are be humiliated because even families are not united. And the reason why there's so much emphasis on families being united is because a strong family husband wife relationship is good parents children relationship is good. A good family is a backbone. A peaceful

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family is a backbone to the wider Muslim society and a good solid wider Muslim society is healthy is healthy.

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For the Muslims, Muslims are able to flourish. But if there are where people are just

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every day, like they are engaged involved in like fights and quarrels and disputes dispute after dispute after dispute of the dispute, like in some scenarios is like we call soap opera. I don't know if you call that soap opera here, it's like a soap opera is Episode 21 tomorrow's episode 22 Yes, tomorrow The day after the daughter in law said something now, Episode 24. Now the mother in law's made her statement Episode 25. Now the you know the sister in law, she put her to penson and then the father came and she said something, he said something else. And then this one got angry. And then the son said yeah, he got angry. I was like carrying on. This used to happen in the days of

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Jerry Lee. You know, verses in the Quran in the days of Jerry Allah said to the Sahaba radi Allahu anhu and you know, you guys were all Jaya Healy people. You never had basic moral ethics. Arabs the Quraysh for us, welcome to lF avena kulu become, what Caronia Mata La La Quinta Mata and Lithuania Polycom for us back to Minamata he Juana. New remember the name of the bouncer for LA us? This is I have the Quran. Remember the name of Allah, you are enemies, lifelong enemies, you know, in the days of Germany, they used to be lifelong enemies like sometimes a small incident happen like you know, one son of one family you know, slept or something did something damage to something? There was like

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one incident that it was the argument that was about a chicken like they did some damage to the chicken and then they went back and they broke this and and these wars in Jabalia time, generation after generation, they would remain for 40 years, 50 years, 60 years, to the point that they are fighting and arguing to tribes have become enemies. They don't really know what really started the argument.

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This is this is how the jelly time was allocated to the Sahaba the look with Islam Allah sent the messenger sallallahu alayhi wasallam with Islam Allah favored you, he gave you this nirma

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your enemies, but through Islam, you became brothers for batum linear multi Juana brotherhood sisterhood. It doesn't matter now which tribe you you're from. It doesn't matter from which cast you are from. It doesn't matter which background you're from. It doesn't matter what you what color you have, whether you're white or red or blue or black or pink or purple. It doesn't matter. It's a spectrum between Murti one, Juana.

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So

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despite all this emphasis at every level, we see,

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especially in the family, there's a lot a lot of you know, a lot of disunity in the family a lot. As I said, soap opera. You know, episode after episode people are disunited husband wife relationship nowadays. So many divorces, so many divorces actually wants to gather all the reasons of divorces about 12 reasons of divorce. But so many divorces we find in the UK with one one in three Muslim marriages end in divorce, the United States of America, I've been told it's one in two marriages end in divorce. That's that means the problem is greater here. And I know what the real reason is here as well out of the 12 reasons, there's one very big reason but I don't want to go into that. Because

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then that's another topic on its own. But that you know, the marriages don't stay stable. Parents children have been just in it. There's a massive gap between parents and children.

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gap in terms of sometimes there's enmity, there's sometimes there's hatred, there's enmity, there's children or disillusion towards the parents, the love and care attention, sometimes not there from the parents, brothers, when they grow old people go into their own families. You know, the coziness, the love, the muhabba, the olfa the you know what Islam came with? mutual love harmony, even between Blood Brothers sometimes is not there. And if you do have that, then thank Allah praise Allah subhanaw taala said Hamdulillah, hundreds of times, and thank Allah that Allah has blessed us and our family. And I'm sure everyone here is like that, that we have look small, small disputes happen

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everywhere. Nobody's going to be perfect. We are human beings. After all, it's not like okay, that means never, ever if you've never ever had a small like a small problem with your wife, or a wife with a husband and like there's something wrong like you guys are living in two different rooms in the same house, you don't see one another. But if small, small things definitely happen. But overall, there's love in the heart like you we have, we forget and forgive for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. Now, the whole point, one of the main reasons why we have all these issues and these problems is because this is something that distinguishes the teachings of Islam, from look, every

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every religion, every community, every nation, even atheist, anyone, any basic moral, morally, ethically person, someone who has basic morals and ethics, anyone will tell you be a good person. That's basic ethic of life, like any one person said, I don't know what your religion is, but religion is all about be good to God and be good to everyone. And that is Islam. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, but if you want to divide I mentioned five branches, if you want to even water it down, and you want to divide Islam into two branches as well.

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Hopefully by the rights of all rights of the slaves of Allah, but everyone says everyone knows be good Pico do be courteous be nice Be gentle, gentle men be gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, regardless of whether the men are gentle or not, but Ladies and gentlemen, be be nice, be respectful be you know fulfill the rights of your neighbors, your family, everyone knows

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that there's one thing in Islam that distinguishes the teachings of Islam from all other faith communities from all other religions.

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With this aspect, there's one thing in Islam you know what that is, but not you might have not thought of it and related to to this Mashallah you know what that is? The teachings of Islam, the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah say that when we are maintaining ties, when we are fulfilling the rights of others, whether our parents, whether our children, whether the husband, wife, spouse, brother, sisters, first cousin, relatives, whenever we are fulfilling their cook, we are fulfilling their rights, we are being good to them. There's only one objective.

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There's only one object.

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Be good, be nice, fulfill the rights. But one main objective. This is what distinguishes Islam, with the intention with the Nia with the objective with a purpose with the aim with the goal of pleasing Allah subhanho wa Taala. That's it. Even the person you'll be good to, it's not for them in reality, it's for Allah. We are good to our parents for the sake of Allah. If Allah says, Now, don't obey your parents, because they tell you not to praise Allah. You say, Oh Allah, I was only obeying you for the sake of Allah. As the whole, more Arusha is based on this, one of the big reasons why we have problems in our social life, marriage problems, divorce and all these family problems, is

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because people are doing things for ulterior aims and motives and objectives for other reasons. For other reasons, our whole marshadow social family setup has changed and has become has become such that it's all based on other reasons. Why do I go to a wedding?

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Because if I if I don't go there, take it back. The moment we think they'll take it back, there's no reward in going to a wedding.

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Why do I invite to someone's invite someone, if I don't give them food as if I don't invite them to take you back? Like, what will the community think that's what's killed our society, we are focused on what people will think image in the community, we force our son, or you have to get married to my brother's daughter sitting back in the same village in the same city in the same alleyway back in Pakistan.

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Why? Because she's a very good practicing Muslim, and there's no other better Muslim or like her. And she's very, so much love and character. They know, my image in the community, like, you know, we spoil our lives because of the image.

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You know, I'll tell you the moment when we as a community, we forget, we don't care about what people will think about us. We start thinking about what a lot of things about us, we become the happiest people on planet Earth. There's so much peace and sukoon and prosperity and internal contentment in our life. We don't bother about what people say, people praise you today. Tomorrow, they'll bring you up the next day they'll throw you down.

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This is this is you know, we can do a massive wedding.

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For for big, like name in the community. But they will still come out and take a big cigar out and say, you know, the table wasn't good. A bit salt, my back's hurting at least you know, change they could have. Nobody's there, nobody's worried about how they're going to start writing a book of martial law. They're going to sit down straight after your wedding. They're going to take a year out write a book, The Great amazing wedding of brother thingy and these are all the positives and publish it, even publish it like what's that going to do to you? You've spent 1000s of pounds you took a loan out to just please people use that money for your own marriage or for your own self go

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get married and get go holiday with your wife. But if you want to invite people for what email for the sake of Allah, because well you might wanna feeding people so now that inshallah if I feed people for the sake of Allah, I'll see the reward in Africa. You give a gift, you know, we have all these social customs. That's what causes all the problems.

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All the social customs, we look who called us for wedding, we have to call them if we don't call them they'll take you back. You know people have a list who invited us this one, this one they will have to invite them. You know, the Quran considers this to be Haram. This is called a Riba. The Quran says

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Don't be good to people so that then when it's your time, you can take more from them. Don't call them today. Then they'll call you home it too many ribbon layerable Ophea marinas for the Yoruba and Allah the Quran says this is the Riba that when you are doing is a transaction everything's becoming transaction. Islam says when you are fulfilling the rights of others is for the sake of Allah. It's a bug

00:30:00--> 00:30:38

You please Allah, everyone puts this knee This is what is law says the three who Nia purify, purifying and correcting one's intention. If a husband in a marriage says, You know what? I will be good to my wife because Allah has placed this obligation upon me. Normally everyone in marriage, they're like, No, I do this, I do this but she doesn't do this or she says, I do this, I do this. He doesn't do this. Everyone's complaining about the person. Let's forget about our rights. We need to just focus on our responsibilities if every husband or every wife takes it but you know what, I'm going to treat my husband in the best of ways because you know what, I want to go agenda and see

00:30:38--> 00:31:20

massive amount of reward. Not because you know, because then he feels good to me. You don't expect like I mentioned the other day that once I saw a car and behind it, there was a like, you know, the window sticker. Treat your children well, because they will be the ones that will choose your nursing home and your nursing homes. Now people are bringing them up children. Why? Let's treat them well today when I'm old man in Buda then they look after me. This is a transaction. These are all deals people are doing. Islam says don't do a deal. Do it for the sake of Allah. When you give a gift. Give it for the sake of Allah sometimes give a gift. What you know when you give sadaqa that

00:31:20--> 00:31:55

letter Allah Mishima Lu matanza. koyomi know, he says that your left hand doesn't even know what your right hand spent. You went to somebody's wedding or something you gave a gift and put an envelope if from from a Muslim brother for the sake of Allah, you don't need to know who gave it amazing class. Does every time everyone has to know is there any portion of charity that we do that nobody knows only you want to learn? Oh, and I and Allah know at least some portion of our charity to the masjid or to anyone nobody knows. I know and Allah know you know, no law No, we know nobody. This guy is amazing. Reward in that type of charity.

00:31:57--> 00:32:07

Law sincerity, maintaining ties for the sake of Allah give a gift for the sake of Allah do not expect you know this is why one of the

00:32:09--> 00:32:16

one of the great ways of being happy in this world many of the above stated this a goat there's many like

00:32:18--> 00:32:27

ingredients of being internally happy. But one strong way of a golden principle of being happy in this world is never expect anything from anybody.

00:32:29--> 00:32:29

Never.

00:32:31--> 00:33:10

There's a hadith the messengers of aloha listen Mr. myko Allahumma Allahu Medallia Raja he bigger work. Raja he MNC work or make my old my expectations with you over law and cut off lower all my expectation with the creation with the model. The moment we don't expect anything from anyone. You'll never be disappointed. You said something nice to somebody and they didn't even look at your smile at you. Oh, yeah, that was No, I wasn't expecting it. And you don't feel sad. If someone says your circle. Whoa, bonus. I was even expecting that you were nice to me. Oh, okay. Okay, that's. So you're never upset because you don't expect anything from anyone.

00:33:11--> 00:33:29

And we're not doing anything for anything in return. This is not a transaction. I was nice to you. I was nice to you. Whether you're nice to me or in return, if I'm nice to my father, whether he's nice to me or not, I don't care. Like Of course, we're not saying that we should get abused and all of that, of course there's a limit and you know, but I'm talking about just general relationship.

00:33:30--> 00:34:11

Do not expect people or lower the expectation from the creation from the look of Allah subhanaw taala. So this is the first point in every aspect of relationship, whether it's husband wife, relationship, parents, children, relationship spouse, relationship. relatives, mother in law, daughter relationship, cousins, brothers, siblings, we maintain ties to please Allah subhanho wa Taala for the sake of Allah, for the pleasure of Allah for the reader of Allah, the Virgin, Lucha Tada. We don't expect anything in return. If we do 100 As a bonus, we do it for reward, Muslims life objective is all accurate. It's not this small, short, 65 years of life. You know, this is a short

00:34:11--> 00:34:36

life. This is small, small things as a matter in this world, we look at the bigger picture, the bigger picture is the eternal million billion trillion eternal years when we really need something. If we don't get something in this world, who cares? It's just 65 years or 70 years or even less 50 years people, people pass away. If someone doesn't say something nice about us, who cares? It's like, you know, it's, we don't know. It's just petty, like take it in for money and take it out from the Samia

00:34:37--> 00:34:59

from the Savior. Just don't just get involved. But the point is to speak, who needs loss, maintaining ties for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. We're in every relationship, we try this. We will see great benefits, we see great benefits. Actually, there's one reasonable point to quickly on three and four

00:35:00--> 00:35:27

Surely there's a hadith in Sahih al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim where the messenger sallallahu Sallam says lay salewa suitable McAfee when a Kindle Rasul Allah did a good theater Rahim who was Salah. Real maintaining of ties is not when you are good to someone when they are good to you that's not really maintaining of ties. That's no big deal. You are nice to me and I'm nice to them. I What have I done like a big deal? Like if I didn't do that I'll probably be I'm animal. Like that's nothing

00:35:28--> 00:36:06

lacell Walsall, Bill McAfee, the one who gives back to the one who is good. That's no big deal. You're not maintaining ties yet. That's not maintaining of ties according to the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in Nirmal Walsall, alleging either cootie Arthur Rahim, who was the real maintain of ties is the one when others break you off. You still maintain ties for the sake of Allah now you are considered to be someone who's maintaining tie. Your brother doesn't talk to you. He doesn't treat you well. But you say you know what, I'm above this. I believe I'm a Muslim who cares for the sake of Allah.

00:36:07--> 00:36:45

Your sister doesn't talk to you. I don't want to get to that level. I for me, there's a greater purpose. I have a man you're keen on ARCA my, my conviction is alpha. My belief is an alarm for me there's a greater purpose, not this. And we maintain ties for the sake of Allah. So this is very important. If we correct our intentions, the most important thing in Islam is actually correcting intention. The three Huni the first habit of Sahih al Bukhari and Sahih Muslim and all the books of how do you know which one it is everyone knows in number amaroo venier actions according to intentions, Nia make our near Sahil correct. You know, this is what we call this last sincerity Omar

00:36:45--> 00:36:54

Abdullah makishima hoody. Anyway point to the second point is also based on many verses of the Quran and Hadith, which is that

00:36:55--> 00:37:06

which is that the teachings of Islam is in every relationship, family relationship, what we need to do is we need to try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other person.

00:37:07--> 00:37:25

Now you may know I had to come head to head he may have been NFC, one of you cannot be a complete believer until you don't like for your fellow brother, will you lie to yourself? I believe nassima to humble enough sick, love for others will you love for yourself. And there's numerous you know what sadly has has happened in our society. Again, we have two scales.

00:37:27--> 00:37:56

I don't mean physical scales, but we have two scales of judgment to like yardsticks two means of measurement. There's one scale for us. There's one rule for us one rule for the other, when it's my time when I want to be treated, that I want to be treated well. But the same thing when I'm treating somebody else like that, then it's like it doesn't matter. The Quran talks about this when it's business you know, it's sort of root of 15 this is called the traditional Quran while a little no coffee lady in a doctor or a nurse yes tofu.

00:37:58--> 00:38:31

And I don't know what I can do mean I'll do mucuna sooner or later, destruction be to these people. One of the things they do is you know, when they do business, but this is the verse of the translation of the Quran, Allah, Allah Allah knows when they take through measurement from people yes, still food, they make sure every ounce and grain brother meter, it has to be on five, put one more Apple like put it has to be like the only reading Give me one penny change less like you make every ounce with a kalu whom I was a new home.

00:38:32--> 00:38:41

So when it's time to give through measurements and weight, then if the one penny less change they gave or like a meter with a bit less drama, don't care about that double standards. The Quran says

00:38:43--> 00:38:44

Well, I

00:38:46--> 00:38:56

don't these people realize that they will be resurrected Yama, Jacobo national, European army, when whole of humanity will stand before me, we will have to give recognition herself for every penny that we owe others.

00:38:58--> 00:39:17

So double standards, Islam is saying have one standard, the way you treat others, every relationship, every relationship, husband, wife relationship. Husband needs to think for one moment dealing with a wife. But if I was in her shoes, if I was on the other side of the fence, if I was in her,

00:39:18--> 00:39:32

whatever, boat or whatever the way they say, but if I was on that side if I was how would I want to be treated? Do I want someone talk to me like that? When we shout at our wives? I just think just imagine somebody shouting at you like that.

00:39:33--> 00:39:52

Would I like it? No. Then you know what, I'm not going to shout. Likewise. Likewise, the wife nagging and shouting and swearing. You don't do this. You don't do that. Whatever. Think just imagine if you were shouting like this all day long as someone's nagging, nagging, nagging, nagging at you, would you like it? No. So then stop doing that.

00:39:53--> 00:39:59

Treat others how you like to be treated. And this is not your husband, wife, every relationship. parents choose

00:40:00--> 00:40:14

You know, the problem is we forget, you know, when we are parents, we forget how it was when we were young. When you become parents, we only live in the parent world as though we were never young people. Young kids

00:40:15--> 00:40:16

angry like

00:40:17--> 00:40:49

sometimes we were really angry. We were doing the same thing sometimes like just imagine if we were young like we did that as well and how did we we didn't like you know, some elders treating us like this. So let's not treat them like that. And youngsters and teenagers, they need to realize Of course their brain is not there but they need to realize that time will fly like this very quickly and you know what one day you will have your child there's Arabic proverb that says compared to the new to Daniel, some studies it's a proverb command to the new to done with the way you treat others others will treat you you know what you will have son as well soon you'll grow up and you have

00:40:49--> 00:40:59

children and then the way you're disobeying and treating your father or mother really badly and you're giving harm to them. You're going to stress more you're giving stress to

00:41:00--> 00:41:09

parents you know when my son sometimes you know starts stressing me out I say you know what, you're gonna be grown up and you're gonna have a small baby as well. Do you want your baby to stress you out?

00:41:13--> 00:41:15

just stressed me out as he's only eight years old.

00:41:17--> 00:41:20

I say in his language that okay rip nice to hear that.

00:41:22--> 00:41:30

with children they will grow up. You know mother in law Don't say no relationship. They say they say one of the oldest problems of planet Earth.

00:41:32--> 00:42:03

oldest problem with planet Earth. mother in law, Georgia law relationship. The mother in law lives in the mother in law words the daughter in law lives in the daughter in law. mother in law doesn't know and doesn't realize isn't even think how it feels to be a mother in law, or mother in law. Just 2530 years ago, you were a duty in law. You are screaming and shouting, you are complaining you are going to any Mom, you are falling the chef. Oh, you know what my mother in goes like this? And do I have to do this? And you know what? She's treating me like this. And she realizes that you've gone like you forgot you just you become a different species. Like you just came in different life like

00:42:03--> 00:42:36

you're even no one being emotionless. Like, it's just all about money, no money, no money, no money, no. And the dose in law? Yes, you've got a two year old baby, you just married and you're newlywed, and you've got you and your husband and you know, I know it's your first few years of marriage. And you've got your two year old son, but this son of yours, you know what's gonna grow old? And then he's gonna bring a bride as well. So how would you and then you're going to start complaining? Don't ingos Today there are no capital, their mother in law. But today, what about your mother in law every once in your own life? One is double standard, every relationship and it's not just family,

00:42:36--> 00:42:50

employer employee relationship. If the employer thought for a moment, how does it feel to be an employee and then down to the employee like that? An employee thought for a moment how does it feel to be in on the position of the employer and then dealt with them like that?

00:42:51--> 00:43:03

a landlord and the tenant, the landlord just knows the landlord rights, the tenant just knows the tenants rights. The parents just know the parent rights the children notice the children's rights. If everyone fought about the other side.

00:43:04--> 00:43:14

Everyone thought about the other side, then we have a very prosperous society. Number three, quickly inshallah. The third point

00:43:15--> 00:43:33

is look, we have to exercise something which is a very important part of our teachings of Islam, a very important part of the teaching of Islam. I actually mentioned the look living with people is not going to be possible. Living with people not going to be possible except that our feelings will be hurt.

00:43:34--> 00:43:52

This is taken from the hadith of Santa Nativity. Isn't it is point carefully. When we are when we are living together as a family. It is impossible that someone does not feel hurt our feelings is just impossible. Why? All human beings are what?

00:43:53--> 00:44:32

created differently. We look differently. Even our fingerprints. You know when I came to the United States of America, can you please Mr. forefinger? Yes. Can you put your right thumb? Yes. So you have four fingers? Can you put your right thumb? Yes. If you take glasses off, yes. Everything checking why everyone's fingerprints different. We look differently. We think differently. Psychologically, physically, mentally, emotionally, we all different. in marriage, the agenda is different as well, which is a big difference. It's a man marrying a woman, not a man. We're generally Muslims is only a man marrying the woman.

00:44:33--> 00:44:34

So

00:44:36--> 00:44:37

no comment.

00:44:38--> 00:44:40

It says gender is also different.

00:44:42--> 00:44:59

Gender is different as well. The woman is created differently. Allah created women differently. There's books written on it. There's a book called men from Mars, women from Venus tells you the difference how a woman thinks how her emotional feelings completely different. Now the man is different.

00:45:00--> 00:45:08

The woman is different age children at a younger age a 14 year old how the brain functions is different to a 14 year old.

00:45:11--> 00:45:20

So we are all living together so it's a must that someone says something does something acts in a way behaves in a way that's going to hurt our feelings.

00:45:21--> 00:45:22

That's a given.

00:45:24--> 00:46:05

Now what the hell does He say that look I'll Muslim This is in tsunami Tell me Allah Muslim Allah you Holly told us wire spear Allah the home hydro mineral Muslim Allah de la Holly una sola. Yes Mirada a believer who lives amongst people with family. And therefore without a doubt his feelings or her feelings will be hurt. That Muslim believer is better than someone who decides that you know what, I can't get my feelings hurt. I'm just going to live in a cliff and live by myself. No one feels it hurts your feelings and you don't hurt anyone's feelings is better to live and take the challenge. So this Have you seen that? Look, feelings will be hurt because people will do things

00:46:05--> 00:46:46

differently because there are different different opinions. We all think differently. Now what solution is there? There's only two solutions. There's only two solutions. One solution is we let it hurt our feelings. And we argue about it and we retaliate and we respond and we fight and we argue and we make it soap opera scenarios day after day after day Episode 41. Or you just say you know what? One of the greatest thing in Islam regarding which Allah says in NEMA you have a saw the Runa Jerome is a sub. The greatest thing one of the greatest things in Islam. Allah says the reward for it is there is no end to it is we which is suffer. We exercise sovereign nations is one of the most

00:46:46--> 00:46:52

difficult things, but it's amazing. It's such an amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing quality to have.

00:46:53--> 00:47:00

That's why the Quran says you work for sabi Runa Jerome be really hisab there is no number, the type of reward.

00:47:02--> 00:47:04

We get angry we'll call the middle of I

00:47:06--> 00:47:26

mean, we swallow the anger. We control ourselves we have suffered for the sake of Omar Saba is an amazing college teacher. And so this summer is something we need to work on inculcated in our lives every man woman we need to try to have this humble this summer. This forbearance is patience. This patient's on subtotal within ourselves.

00:47:28--> 00:47:34

That's number three, number four. And I'm going to end with this point. Or maybe just one more point after that, but just briefly a few minutes on each

00:47:35--> 00:47:35

is that

00:47:37--> 00:47:42

we need to try to have another quality there's something else we are as human beings we are born with

00:47:44--> 00:47:47

a lot of creative these things and when these are challenges and we have to work on these things,

00:47:48--> 00:47:49

the quality

00:47:51--> 00:48:35

the shape that human beings have, which is selfishness. I don't want to elaborate on this much because the last point is very important. selfishness, selflessness, being self centered, being selfish. Me Myself and I met this is related to that, you know, double standards, but it's a similar type of issue. The Quran places a lot of emphasis on ethos. ethos is another quality. We know what he thought means. The definition of ethos is an Arabic word and the Quran talks about ether. Will you see Runa Will you see Runa unfussy Hema Luca beam kasasa the definition of ethos is tolerating a bit of hardship in this life for the sake of others, and thereby receiving great rewards in the next

00:48:35--> 00:48:36

life. That's the

00:48:38--> 00:48:39

very definition of ether.

00:48:40--> 00:49:25

sacrifice, you know, it's a Kobani called Barney those sacrifice, tolerating sacrifice you you've done sacrifice corbon of your desires, your wishes, your interest, your hopes, your pleasures, you living in the you know, same house, but someone wants to do it something some way but it's difficult for you but you say you can shop let's for the sake of Allah, I will give each our preference to someone else, I will endure the hardship and I will give preference for the other is amazing reward. You know, the Sahaba they used to have this quality or the Allahu anhu one of the greatest qualities of the Sahaba of the companions of Allah messenger sallallahu alayhi Salaam with this quality. You

00:49:25--> 00:49:57

know the famous story when the Quran verse this way with Luna Allah unfussy him. Allah talks about the companions that they give preference to others, even if they remain hungry. You know, when this verse was revealed the famous story when guests came to the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said, who will entertain this guest unsought, his hobby said earlier Rasul Allah, I'll take him home. And he didn't tell his wife, he didn't have a mobile phone to phone like, you know, bringing the guest like so he just took normally we should tell him that's a ticket that's bringing just unless you know, that you won't mind and you've already got lots of food at home just suddenly, but

00:49:57--> 00:50:00

generally, we should tell like, you know, you don't wanna just suddenly

00:50:00--> 00:50:05

Come on. Yes. I've bought 45 people home was for food, bring it out. No. So

00:50:07--> 00:50:16

he took the guest. He the wife said, you put somebody we only have enough food just for one person to eat. Just our children said it's okay make the children go to sleep.

00:50:17--> 00:50:35

No children cried and then went to sleep. And then, you know, pretending to just put like boiling some water. So the children things food is being cooked and I say hungry, hungry, hungry, please. Because Yeah, both food is being cooked and it's being boiled water has been boiled, boiled, boiled. This is a famous Have you been water being boiled, and they were just hungry, hungry and the children went to sleep.

00:50:37--> 00:50:47

Now there's only you know, the husband wife, the wife said, I'm not eating this, Have you missed the story, sat down on the table, spread Merida on the floor, sat down.

00:50:48--> 00:50:55

He sat down, there was a lamp there, he bought the food. And then he pretended like by mistake, you know that the lung fell down, and so dark.

00:50:57--> 00:51:10

So the noms gone down, I can't find the light, it's okay, let's carry on eating. And then he put the food in front of him. And he carried on eating, the guest started eating. And he this hobby and sorry, he pretended is going

00:51:11--> 00:51:15

to eat eating Yeah, and then talking. All this time he wasn't eating, it was dark,

00:51:16--> 00:51:43

until that person finished the food off. And then afterwards, he put the light on. Allah loves this quality of this companion so much that a verse of the Quran was revealed that they give preference to others, even if they want to remain hungry. And the great point here is that he did not even let the other person know that's the extra part. We can at least we should do preference. But at least we will want to know that you know, remember I've given sacrifice here for you, I've done this.

00:51:45--> 00:51:45

Remember,

00:51:46--> 00:52:01

we at least have a look at this, he didn't even know because it's for who a lot that takes back to the first point that you don't need to know that I sacrifice my food, my whole children's, my family remained hungry, they didn't eat, you don't need to know the one identity for he knows

00:52:02--> 00:52:28

this is ethos in every part of relationship, if you bring ethos will see great results in the community in the society. And lastly, this is a topic on its own point five and requires just a lecture on the each of these points that require a lecture like this. I'm just summarizing like some points which are in the mind. The fifth point is actually a very important point. Many family disputes occur because of

00:52:30--> 00:52:34

what many, many the root of all problems

00:52:35--> 00:52:36

are so clearly

00:52:37--> 00:52:48

many family issues. People fight argue dessert don't talk to one another brothers don't talk to one another family people don't talk to one another inheritance issues. People

00:52:50--> 00:53:32

physically injure people murder and kill inheritance issues like this one Muslim family they tried to kill the father of because they wanted the inheritance quickly like dying quickly. Come on old man die. Some people do that. And then there was there was a murder as well. Recently, somewhere in the news in the UK, these things happen. Why? Because of money issues and many issues. One of the big issues about money is I just want to tell you this point that Islam places a lot of importance on ensuring that monetary matters are clear. There's a same proverb in Arabic The Arusha Luca Juan Mata Amma Luca Gianni live like brothers and sisters de like strangers, everything has to be clear.

00:53:33--> 00:53:44

Make sure your ownership of money wealth business even in the family is absolutely clear. Even in the family absolutely clear is very important. This is a

00:53:46--> 00:53:46

no

00:53:48--> 00:53:49

make what time is

00:53:50--> 00:54:28

nine o'clock. Okay, yeah, just two minutes to show what we need to ensure that ownership and monetary dealings are clear. You know, normally what happens sometimes big disputes happen. You have a family business a father started a business, one son comes studied he joins a business nothing clear. Why in what capacity is he an employee? is he working? Does he ever share 10% 15% is he helping freely we say like his father son like we don't need to kill this reason. Then he gets married he took some money from the business or the one God you took more money and then after 30 years is a massive dispute. Now they come to the movie, you know, oh, we have all these big massive

00:54:28--> 00:54:31

who owns what nobody knows what's on because he's all of jungle now.

00:54:33--> 00:54:59

From day one, transactions should be clear. This is the property of the husband or is it the property of the wife whose property is it or is it jointly owned? Is it 61% point five of the wife and this much for the husband is it 50 50% make clear, this is a business this is one son has 12% share the other one has this much everything clear there is no don't feel ashamed when it comes to money clear because we don't want to we feel shying away

00:55:00--> 00:55:30

The beginning like in between you know brothers we can't do it but when it's time to fight them we don't feel shy. So let's just not be shy right now and just make all the transactions clear. It's very important monetary aspects have to be clear ownership has to be clear. If we act upon this this is as I said, it's a topic on its own then a lot of these disputes that are related to money they will be solved inshallah Allah May Allah grant is to act upon these five points. What are the five points number one

00:55:32--> 00:55:34

the three who Nia is the number two

00:55:35--> 00:55:50

is a test I told you this I always do a tester and number two so I know that you were taking something back with us that you weren't just entertained by you know, handlers into what I do upon entertain anyway but you know, if you did get entertained then like the entertainment is

00:55:51--> 00:56:25

Yeah. Which is Yeah, the you know, the double standards and yeah, having one standard one criteria, put yourself in the shoes of the others. That was number two, number three, suburb, okay, suburb because we live with one another our feelings will be hurt. So suffer number four. Lisa, which is giving preference and not being selfish and number five actually remembers money issues being making ownership clear, being clear in dealings and Allah subhanaw taala. Grant me and all of you the ability to practice working with the owner and in Hungary Mohamed alameen wa sallahu wa salam ala Sayidina Muhammad Allah

00:56:27--> 00:56:27

subhanho wa

00:56:29--> 00:56:29

Taala