[Ep 2] Suppressing Conflicts – Manners Of The Salaf
Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy
File Size: 30.06MB
Welcome back to manners of SLF the manners of the earliest Muslims in their personal relations or interpersonal dealings, we want to make a few stops in these mini chapters or sections of the book that are probably best
summarized or classified as mannerisms related to the suppression of conflict, how to suppress conflict from arising or even working to mitigate it once it arrives.
So the author heavy the whole lot, he mentions that among the manners of the self is that they were adamant about not listening to rumors and gossip being spread by people about people, essentially. And so, he mentions for instance, this incident from Sofia and even Hussein Rahim Allah who says, I was one sitting in the presence of ES even more IWEA Rahim Allah Allah, and with him was a man. So he asked him how he is like leading the gathering, if you will. And with him was a man that Sophia Hussein is saying, I was afraid of this man, that if I were to get up and leave, he would mention me negatively. He'd speak bad about me to this scholar. Yes, even more Alia.
He says, so I stayed for the duration of the gathering, even though I wanted to go, I was too risky to go. So I stayed. And then once he left first, you guys know this when we take each other on the side and say stuff. When he left first, I went up to yes, even more IWEA, this scholar, and I mentioned this to him.
And so I said, to listen to this guy, man, he looks like he's up to no good and like, I don't trust him and this sort of thing. He's suspicious, he's suspect. And so he asked him to more I owe him a whole lot. How did he check him? He said to him.
He didn't say to me anything until I finished he let me finish saying what I had to say. didn't interrupt me. But then he said, of a Ziltoid Daelim. Did you
fight against a de lamb? Were you part of the Muslim army that liberated the lands of a Daelim?
I said to him, no. He said, Because delta sin, Were you part of the battle campaign against the sin? You know, India and Sindh. Right? So he said, I said, No, he said, because I'll tell him, what about India? Are you part of that army?
Did you go to war against India? I said no. He said for resulta room that were you. Did you ever go to war against the Romans The Byzantines? I said no. He said to me, that a Daelim and a sin and they'll Hynde and the Romans were all spared your wrath.
And your Muslim brother is not spared of your wrath. Ouch.
Like you're a tough guy only with the Muslims. This is your brother. Leave it alone cut it out. So he says philam year old Sophia Nila Dalek denarius and Sofia and made a commitment to himself to never partake in that behavior again to act on or speak of suspicions.
And if nasaka Rahim Allah He narrates from Sophia Sophia to theory the famous Sophia Rahim Allah Allah. He said, A man once came and said,
to Sophia to theory this Imam leading imam of the tambourine Mirta Kulu fish hits me more aware. What do you say what is your opinion on cursing at or swearing at more IWEA more iWave Nabi Sofian, the companion of the Prophet SAW Selim, who got into the that conflict with Ali ibn Abi Taalib Radi Allahu Allah, may Allah be pleased with them. All right. So of course, the people that were not as piously restrained on the lower levels of piety and society, of course, they were hurling insults and accusations and gossip at these two leaders both sides right. And so
Soufiane here is asked, Do you consider it permissible
to curse more Alia
considering what he's done and what it has caused? That's what he tried to tell him right? Would it be justified to curse more Alia? And so he said to him matter, I had to kept the share teammates around when was the last time you cursed for out?
I know I said in the whole world today the Quran sort of mentions the doom of Allah
But that's Quranic outside of Quran right? When do you just sit there and say God damn Pharaoh, right? He was so brutal. When was the last time he said to him that you've cursed out for out? So the man said back to Sophia and malerkotla be barely he never really crossed my mind. Who does that? He said to him for for our own I will ever shed. You should be cursing for our own before more out here.
He's not saying it's permissible to gristmill Alia about the Allahu Allah and he's saying why wouldn't you think of around first How could you think of more IWEA atop the list of those that you want to get a an edict a fatwa on its permissibility?
And a man once said to what have you been in Monterey Bay Rahima Hola, in Falana and Chateau Mac, so and so was cursing you cursing you out? And so he said to him, Mr. Elijah che THORNBERRY than Iraq hasn't shaved on found a postal worker other than you, you're the guy who sort of delivers straightens mill shaytaan is using you as the gossiper. between people. And you know, this is this is just wisdom. In general, we are required religiously to abide by this issue. That but even wisdom when gossipers come your way, and you don't stop them dead in their tracks, whoever you allow to tell you about others will tell of you to others right Mankad elect kalank So the Arabs used to say
whoever says to you will say about you and so it is in everyone's best interest to silence gossipers.
And even the hudgell hates me Rihanna Hola. He says and getting accustomed to or allowing for the normalization of
like to standardize shutting down gossipers
the only way to preserve friendship in any society. He says because
this is one of the works of shaytaan that he does not overnight but over time.
Put wedges in relationships through and so these people are the army of shaytaan whether they realize it or not. So the what happened whenever his calling him the postal worker of the day THON, and then hey, Timmy Rahima hola here is saying these are the foot soldiers of shaitan because they say something that bothers a friend from with his friend causes a little bit of friction. And that continues to grow and grow and grow. Shaitan continues to widen that gap. Once you've gotten the wedge in until
division and sort of boycotting on one another becomes inevitable. So that's the first one they don't listen to gossipers and they shut them down to suppress conflict and other elements of the self he mentions. He says he'll tell me soon all of our work balloon and HFR while I have the hotel badly available, that they seek out to excuse people.
The people that have flaws or have mistakes or have misbehaved or whatnot, they seek to excuse them, and they are ready to accept their apologies and they don't open the doors for troublemakers.
If not the borrower Rahimullah the famous Malachy scholar he narrates in his book Bucha general Majelis that memorable Hapa Radi Allahu upon the companion he said now your halo limited in Muslimeen yes Moromi now he he Kelly Martin Javon Newby has to wear who actually do not have fish, a mineral Hiram Raja, it is not lawful meaning it is sinful. It is haram for a Muslim to hear a word, a statement from his brother, and to assume the worst of it, when he can understand it in a more charitable way.
You got to find the more charitable way to understand it, and exhaust yourself in that before you interpret it in the most unfavorable light. And if you see it in, but I have a whole lot of the Tabori and he used to see. Yeah, tell me a little rajulio He has a brain as a person should tolerate up to 70 mistakes from his brother meaning against him.
Well, Lulu Houma idea and seek to generate excuses for him. Maybe he has a bad day maybe he didn't intend it sort of right. Maybe they're going through a hard time maybe I misheard. Just continue to generate up to 70 excuses for them. He says for inner now who Dallek and if that
reaches a dead end, I can't find any more excuses. This one's pretty off. It's or this one's pretty intolerable. He says he should see law I love
The F here with Ron Fabiani, maybe my brother has an excuse I don't know. In other words don't even tell yourself okay, I'm going to excuse them if I can figure out what their excuses No, no. Maybe they have an excuse that I don't know.
And Abdullah in his aid will collaborate the famous Collabra Hema hula. He famously said when something reaches you about your brother that you dislike that you detest, then seek out for them and excuse with all your might. And if you cannot find an excuse for them, then just say to yourself Laleli if you're either on La alum, maybe my brother has an excuse that I am not aware of, and has had an ally or the Allah on the side of Alibaba thought I may Allah be pleased with him all. He said Lo and Nura Judah and shatter money if he would only heavy whatever Rafi Otoniel, okra left Kabul to Rudra Whoa.
If a person were to curse me out here, and then apologize here, meaning no time at all, like right away, he just took one step and then he turns back and he apologized. I would accept it from him.
You know, there was a beautiful narration from Allah Muhammad Rahim Allah Allah, that one of the followers of the Hanafi madhhab. And this is not sort of any anything pejorative against the Hanafi met them at all. Because the higher you go up among the scholars, the higher you go up amongst the Edit, but at times there are people that have this identity centric religiosity. They're not scholars, but they identify with the Scott. They get toxic, fester. Yes. So one of these people, he heard em Muhammad say something as they were walking together Rahima hula, and he said, What Abu Hanifa doesn't say this. So Imam Mohamed Ramadan just lifted his hands like, all right, like, with
all due respect, like what do you want me to do? I believe that hadith means this or says that. You're saying I'm behind, like, what do want me to do? You want me to put down what I understand the Messenger of Allah to have intended sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So that's what he did. He can just flip his hands nonchalantly. And so the man understood that he was sort of putting down Abu Hanifa about him a whole lot when he certainly was not. And so he said to him, Lebo Lu, Abu Hanifa, Hiral, Minh mill rd, mink, that the urine of Abu Hanifa is superior to an earth load of you. And he walked away that he felt bad about it. And he came back the next day, instead of a shake. I'm really sorry.
I overreacted. I messed up. I apologize. And so I remember him Rahima Hola. And these people were honest. He's not just saying this right? When he says what he's about to say. He said, Wallahi I did not lift my foot before having apologize to you before I took my next step. I said it's alright, you know, young guy, young hothead, they'll get over it right before I lifted my foot another time in that walk yesterday, I had already forgiven you.
And it's reported that they remember chef era him a whole lot. These are just I guess coming to mind now. A man came to him as he was sick. And he said to him, oh, Allahu dafuk. May Allah strengthen your weakness. And so you know, Imam Shafi Rahim, Allah was like a master grammarian. They used to ask people like using MEMA chef very good at Arabic And they used to say Colombo, Shafi Hoja, that the everyday speech of a chef, he was a reference point. Like he doesn't slip in Arabic. So grammar was very important to him to keep the Arabic pure, the Quranic Arabic pure. So when he heard the guy say, in his sickness, may Allah strengthen your weakness, he said, So that's actually not how you're
It's actually supposed to be co Allahu Quwata off Allahu La freq May Allah strengthen your strength and weaken your weakness. You don't say May Allah strengthen your weakness because that technically means intensify your weakness, and if he intensifies my weakness, la Catellani I'll be dead.
So the guy got very scared like, oh, man, did he think I was sort of being passive aggressive and indirectly making against them? And so the guy's like, Mm hmm, I didn't mean that. I only meant well Marathi, La Jolla. So remember Shafi Rahim? Allah Allah said to him, relax. I love you and Nicola will say but the 10 Ema Allah tailslide. I know that even if you were to curse me out openly and deliberately, you only meant well.
That's not reflective of who you actually are. Maybe you thought I was an enemy to the dean and so you felt like it was your duty to that sort of thing. Beautiful hearts. I love you to find our hearts and yours.
And if Nabi dunya Rahim Allah He narrates from each noun that he said. It's about Roger and Ibrahim. A man apologized once in the presence of Ibrahim, meaning Ibrahim and mockery you
So for all of you guys that are studying, if you ever see Abdullah in the Sahaba Who is it?
Seven Maseru unqualified as if Mr. Rude and if you ever find Sophia an unqualified in the tab Irina to authority, otherwise it's ignoring Aina with its its authority. And if it's Ibrahim, who is it?
The famous Ibrahim and Nephi right, Rahim Allah Rahim Allah Allah Jimmy on so a man apologize to Ibrahim
when he said to him, cut the other NACA hieromartyrs. Here, we had already excused you before you asked to be excused meaning before you apologize. In Nevada, you have little who gave him because apologies usually involve lots of dishonesty. Like I'm not the type that waits for people to apologize, because even when they do apologize, it's like saving face a lot of times or a jet exaggerative a lot of times and and I don't want to put my brother through that. I don't want to force him into a situation where he has to be dishonest.
Dr. Muhammad smile at them happy the hula is a contemporary scholar and psychiatrist in Alexandria, Egypt. I have been to his office twice. He has the sign in front of his door on top of his door on the inside. That says two things that always involve lying.
Shed that Talia Tevar okay. throttlenet worried, intense apology. I'm so so so so so sorry. No, you're not
you're not that sorry. If I told you give me 10 bucks, I'll forgive you and give you the 10 bucks man you know that's so so so so sorry. And Catherine memory to many appointments. You can call it optimism bias as much as you want the end of the day, you know that you actually can't be that punctual that often. So stop giving out so many appointments.
This next subsection of suppressing
conflict and drama and what could lead to it he says allow you fat tissue and and my Myanma you people yell at him or your phone or whatever Faloona Anza Latinus that
they do not seek out
the the flaws or the imperfections or whatever is inadequate within their homes, meaning with family, they're extra easygoing with family. They don't seek out the flaws of their homes. And they pardon and overlook people for their mistakes. Now we're not even talking about apologies anymore or excuses. They just overlook it as if they didn't see it to begin with.
And, you know,
this is particularly important than what the interpersonal relationship
between spouses, right, because we're always, there's so much entanglement square footage wise, you're always together, you're locked behind closed doors more than anyone else, right? And also, circumstances like we're both opining on this life decision and that life decision, this, you know, view on the kids is ideal path forward or how to deal with this or deal with that. So there's so much involvement that you have to create a bigger buffer, or else the warmth of the relationship falls through or falls apart. And that is why he begins here actually with the fact that in the famous hadith of OMA Zahra, it's a beautiful Hadith almost impossible to unpack in English without
like an hour and a half at least. It's a long Hadith that I share with Ella on her narrative. The Prophet SAW Selim about 10 or 12 women that are bragging of their husbands to each other pre Islam. All right. And so he mentions that in that famous Hadith on Muslera, the fifth woman famously said
Zoji in the Khalifa head were in her Raja acid. Wallah. Yes Alhama hit that my husband when he enters for hit, you guys know for headwinds.
What's the Fed? Lion? She said when he goes out acid he becomes an asset what's asset? Lion, but there's a difference between a fed and an asset
sort of fed? Anyone know? You got it?
They're both lines. What?
Sort of, yeah,
there's over 100 words for Arabic and for lion in the Arabic language. Okay, I heard there's something like 110 I don't know them obviously. But I hear this from linguists. Every single one of them calls your attention to a certain dimension of the lion or his personality or something like this, right? So when I said think of say you said is like the king of
whereas fed often they'll say like fed the like, ship like a cub bright, but Fed also from like docility being docile, you know, just then because you know the lioness is the one that hunts and then he wakes up and he goes and eats first and that sort of thing, right? That's known about the big lion. So she's saying he's like that. My husband when he comes home, he's very chill. When he goes outside, he's a man. Right? Well, he's not like that here inside LA and then she explains his alias Alabama hit, he does not ask he doesn't run interrogations at home about what he left behind. He doesn't ask like what happened to the those few dollars here or that meal there or he doesn't ask
about these things in general, these are qualities of the stingy qualities of the greedy, and those are of the worst qualities for a husband.
Right? The two worst qualities and Azalia Rahim Allah says, for a husband or what? Come on, men pass this test. The sisters are listening
When he goes outside he's acid he's not acid inside, right? And he says, this is something that you actually notice across societies like Arab non Arab because you kind of see that there's somewhat of a worldwide consensus on this. And the two most detested qualities he said no why for what sisters tell us
Okay, argumentative and what else?
What did she say? bossy? Yes.
He said, Allah has taught us a lot. That the Salah is one sort of she's overbearing, and like, if I wanted to marry, you know, another man, I'd sort of marry someone with a mustache. Like, that's not what I'm here for. Right? I don't want to feel like I'm always contending. And so her her her strength is in her sort of her passive strike. They call it right. You have to know his keys when he's coming like a freight train. Don't crash with the freight train just so long as you change the rails. You learn how to divert him this way and that way, then you're actually driving not him. Right. But the clashing men he was already saying like Mola cross societies. Men cannot stand this
quality by and large, and the other quality was that of luck. Ah ha, ha ha ha he means by that shamelessness, meaning for her to be comfortable with other men.
Those are the two qualities almost all men across human civilizations can stand anyway. So stinginess is a part of this, that you're checking on, like, Hey, what's going on in the house? I have a teacher actually, who said the sister came to him.
She was insisting that she had to get a divorce, because she was possessed by a jinn and the jinn was saying he's going to kill her or kill her children or something like this, if she does not let go of this man, because he's in love with her the jinn and some craziness like that. So they kept probing and probing and Pro is like, no, something's off here. This lady has no symptoms of being possessed by jinn. And I'm not fielding any questions on Jeanette for this talk, because that always happens. So they said, we kept probing and probing and probing she actually made up the whole story, because she could not stand her husband, because her husband was extremely stingy. He used to before
he left the house, put a marker on the keg of oil of cooking oil on where it was to know how much it decrease.
So the poor lady needed an out she deserved an out to be honest.
May Allah rectify all of our homes? But this is the idea that she's saying my husband, he comes home, he's peaceful, docile, right, not aggressive, and he doesn't show signs of stinginess, not always questioning things. And when he goes outside, that's where he exerts you know his his agency
you know, Allah praise the Prophet SAW Salah himself for this quality in the Quran. When he said in the beginning of sort of the Hareem that when he discovered certain things that were inappropriate for our Rafa Allahu he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam identified some of it to his wives. This is unacceptable. What are other unbowed and he overlooked some of it. And this is how you preserve a relationship. You know, two way street men and women, right? You know, some psychiatrists, they tell you even with your kids, you want to try to like, have a little bit of account that there's five good interactions pleasant for every one stressful interaction
Otherwise, if it's always you know checking each other and on top of each other, the relationships cannot be functional or healthy in this way at all. And the whys of old used to see many Lapin who will help him will motivate often, the intelligent person is the wise man who knows how to overlook things or woman of course.
And it was said to an Imam Muhammad Rahim Allah
that, I fear
is 10 parts like living a good life enjoying life, right? It's 10 parts, like if you split it into 10 equal parts. 10 of them are found in Taha phone learning to live and let live and be easygoing and overlook and just you know, pick your battles and skip this one for the next one, then skip it again and a third time at telephone. So Imam Muhammad was asked what do you think of this, that 90% of the godly life on Earth is found in a duck on foot. And so he said, and I fear to Ashra to edge that Kulu half a dolphin is I agree with the first half. But it's all about this meaning there's hardly anything else picking your battles and not battling often and not being contentious and this
is what it's all about.
obviously, we're not talking about overlooking things that are haram that you can better the situation but the fact is you can't better most situations like this and so you got to pick your battles and of course if we're talking about something that are personality differences or circumstantial, you know, slip ups and stuff. That means there should be even greater accommodation or capacity forts of often not haram obviously.
And for the living area, Rahim Allah used to say manliness is found in our software and authority one being able to forgive and turn a blind eye to the mistakes actual mistakes of your brothers didn't check up on you spoke to you in an inappropriate tone to do this. And notice he said a one and a one here is like their term for friends a lot of times because when you have a friendship, there's going to be more interaction, which means it's going to be more what friction more likely to friction.
And I'm gonna northmen and makira Hina Hola. He would say el Maru or to attack or fu Anza let exactly one that Maru means manliness or shift to be chivalrous. You know, like they they train them the night to have chivalry to be reverence and, you know,
they call it gallantry or chivalry Enos or chivalrous Ness. This is elmora that comes from the word mark, which means man and so essentially it is, you know, the noble man is the one who knows how to overlook the slip ups of others. You know, there was a great scholar in Islamic history whose name was Hatem al Assam. His name was Hatem or he was known as Hatem allow some, anyone know that Osama means
the deaf, he wasn't deaf.
But there was a story that basically got around about him that he was walking, perhaps the story came from the few that were around him in this moment. And an elderly woman stopped him for a question, an Islamic question.
So as she was speaking, the woman accidentally passed when she passed the gas.
And so her face turned all the colors of the rainbow, obviously, right? She got all you know, discombobulated and like embarrassed about it. And so what did he do? He immediately click on his feet. He said, What? Can you repeat your question? I'm hard of hearing. I can't hear you to make her put her under the impression I didn't hear what just happened. It's fine. You're good. You know, and so it got out of our team and so that people used to like lightheartedly say, and it stuck had some some
Hatem the the non hearing were the Deaf
and willfully lidner al Rahim Allah who used to also say, men talaga and Bella I even Bucky Vela
whoever is looking for a brother that doesn't have flaws will remain without any brothers. You're not gonna find one. You need to be better at your discretion. And Earth madam qajaq Rahim Allah says I heard the noon famous Egyptian scholar the new nursery. I heard the noon saying, lads if coffin Bhima hub Betsy man, you hate Booker Illa masuma.
Don't ever seek out being loved by someone that will only love you. If you're flawless.
Just lose hope go find somebody else. It's just a matter of time.
This third section, he said
As that it was from the great manners of the self that they would use to ruin our rottenness. They would actively conceal the the people from being exposed, conceal the people and cover up for them. And this is of course, of the qualities of Allah himself. subhanho wa Taala in Allah halimun sits here
and one narration, he said sallallahu alayhi salam in Allah halimun Hi, Ye Eun city, Allah is Haleem that means he's forbearing he tolerates so much more than we ever would or could combine. And then he is heavy meaning he has a sense of shame. Of course, in a manner befitting his majesty. He is heavy, and he is city it from city means he is concealing he loves to conceal all the time, you him will hire our sitter and he loves that others also involve themselves in the practice of hire, and Sitsit. To be people that have honest shame, healthy shame. And also this sits this concealment of others. He said for either that Salah Hadoken philia started and so when one of you is bathing, let
them not be openly, let them not be it instead that you conceal themselves while they're bathing. That's one of the forms so conceal yourself, but also conceal others.
And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam promise come come.
Men Cetara Muslim and Satara hula hula for dunya Allah FIRA as we discussed today in the hotbar, about the repayment coming always in a perfectly suitable way. Whomever conceals a Muslim, Allah conceals them in this world and in the next. And of course, there's two categories of people, the people who
their flaws are unknown, right? And then you come to discover their flaws. I mean, actual sins even you are not allowed to expose them.
You are to help them and encourage them to even conceal themselves. Where do we get this from? Why do we say It's haram to expose them?
Because this was the behavior of the Prophet SAW Selim, when the man came to the Prophet alayhi salatu salam, and
he said Zen eights right? I fornicated the Prophet SAW salem said to him what?
Phil I like a belt. Maybe you mean you kissed her like