Living Islam – Raising a Muslim Child #11

Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Shia freedom gay with mousseline Mohamed Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi, wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam doesn't even cathedra and cathedra formado my brothers and sisters,

the issue of parenting, and especially of young people taking responsibility for themselves,

the millennial curse

of perpetual childhood.

Unfortunately, the way that we seem to raise children,

seem seems to be a way in which that does not

create maturity, but it delays childhood.

And then, of course, we grumble and moan and groan about how

our children so called children, because now, this so called child is, is 18, or 19, or 20, or 25, and so on,

refuses to take responsibility, and refuses to accept ownership for anything, and is constantly in this position, you know, the beggar position, I call it, always asking for money, always asking for help. And instead of, instead of doing it doing the opposite, which is instead of

offering and contributing to the family,

this person is a continuous

drain on the, on the family. Now, the point is, how does it happen? How does it get that way? And I think that I want to say to you, and I'll tell you what, my own life story in this in this context, it happens from overparenting.

And

for the most part, in my experience, and I'm sorry, if some of my sisters don't like hearing this. You know, that's that's part of the story.

It is over mothering.

Of course, some fathers that are equally to blame, but it's not equal in any in the terms of

Demographically speaking, mothers tend to over mother and over parent far more than fathers.

I have I don't cases of 20 years, 20 year old boys, so called boys, if you're 20 years old, you're on a boy, you're young man, a 25 year old young man

standard

phrase of a Muslim 2025 year old, please get me married.

What is that?

Please get you married means What?

Are you saying please get me a cat, please get me a cabbage. What do you mean, please get me married.

What is get me married

is marriage something you can buy in Costco or something?

What should happen, what should happen is, first of all, you should be capable of supporting a wife.

Second thing is that you should be able to identify who you want to marry,

then you should go and speak to the father of the bride proposed Right?

Right? Then meet the right talk to her.

Between the two of you settle, decide you want to get married to this person, let her decide if she wants to marry you.

And then you go to your parents and say, I would like to get married to this person.

So and so's Alonzo.

And I will take care of all the expenses. Obviously, you're getting married.

Who do you want to take care of the expenses? I will take care of all the expenses but I would like your blessing I would like your.so Please then if you want to send a formal proposal or whatever send a proposal then fix a appropriate date and then go get married. That is what should happen. What is this thing I was getting? Business because constantly this beggar position for everything.

I am hungry mom should feed Me.

I need to go somewhere that should drop me to that place. Why? What's wrong with your legs?

What's wrong with public transport?

No, somebody has rude somebody has to do things for you. This is unfortunately when I'm speaking now from the perspective of the of the youth. And it's disgusting to to put it very mildly and politely. But the problem is the parents.

Parents will not overparenting is where parents will not allow their children to do anything on their own.

As I told you, who is a child, a child is somebody who has not yet attained puberty

If you are 12 years old, if you are 14 years old, your clock is ticking, believe me, my brother, my sister, your clock is ticking. Allah subhanaw taala is going to hold you to account for all that you choose to do and all that you choose not to do.

So where is it? Where is childhood childhood is gone.

But then the funny thing is that we have parents who very proudly talk about how Bomberman Qasim was commanding an army at the age of 17. And now that admin Ziad was was commanding an army at the age of 21. And your 21 year old is sitting in the house and he is he asked for food and you are slowing and cooking the food and bring it to him and so on and so forth. How is it whichever which item is going to go on?

Over parenting is a curse, believe me.

And you create this curse for yourself.

When I was about

15 or something? Yeah, hold on 15.

I was very well I was I was always very outdoors person. So I used to as a foreigner hunting in those days.

And my father's there was a very dear friend of my father's who also became a very dear friend of mine, and he was my mentor what he passed away

by the finger already,

Uncle Ravi is to call him. So uncle Rama had a farm.

I was living in Iceland, I was in Hyderabad. And his farm was in a villa was in a place called St. Pauli, which was about roughly 200 plus kilometers from Hyderabad.

But given the time, I'm talking about now the 60s, late 60s

late 60s, early 70s until the middle of you know, at the end of 1979 When I left and went off to Ghana, so that period. So I was

he had his farm, he had his farm and this was in the middle of the

of the,

of the forest. And

they had it's it's got the Sahyadri range Sahyadri range on the bank of the kingdom river. And he was no electricity, no running water.

I've written about all this in my new book, which is coming out now. It's called from India to the Indies, to the West Indies, read the book, but just to quickly it is something about you. So this farm was there, and he used to live on the farm.

So by summer and winter, he would call me and he would say

do you want to come? Of course I mean, I definitely want to come then I would take a bus

now remember this door those days there's no mobile for mobile nobody even thought about before. But even landlines were not accept but we're not we had one landline in the house which was an extension from my father's phone in his office. So it wasn't even an independent landline if I was if I needed to call somebody I had to dial at because the phone does zero I would get the operator of the of the of the factory of a father was the medical officer and I would tell him the number

and you know given the culture the times and so on the operator would tell me have you finished your homework? So I would say no but he said that then that I'm not going to get why why do you want to talk to your friend you will finish your homework

or he would say that was just time for Salah need to pray

or now this is the time for dinner you eat your food

everybody eating the eating dinner you go finish your food first then come back this is the the thing is you can look at this and say What kind of nonsense is this? But you can also look at it and say that what kind of elders were there who were concerned about the welfare and about the raising and upbringing of other people's children My parents never took offense well if this happened my parents my father actually would thank the operator and say thank you for you know keeping an eye on my on my son not that my father interest me but these were these were the kinds of kind of environment that we brought to the brought a bit so I would take that take a bus

My parents never stopped me so I'm going into the middle of the of the North rainforest but this was you know, deciduous forests, tigers, leopards, you name it except for element everything was there.

Once I leave my home my parents will not even know if I'm alive or dead or somebody kidnapped me or something happened to me

they will only know that I'm back when I'm back.

Because where I was going as I told you no electricity, no running water. Obviously no telephone. I know no Postal Service Equity will mail them a letter.

But they never stopped me that incident. So I would go I would take a bus from Hyderabad to Mirova the Nirmal to horombo Karabo to MB and PMB to set poly at work. That was one

miles to his farm, which was on the bank of the river. His whole trip I did on my own. There was no Scott Doherty sent us out along with me to get me there, you know, dropped me off nothing.

I would have by a couple of clothes, right, couple of keys and shirt and so on

in the back, and I

and I did this year after year. So all it has been told is my whole time of the holiday I would spend in the bush in the forest.

From morning till night, I would be in the forest. Sometimes the whole night I wouldn't be in the forest.

I didn't shoot 20 things. But I didn't love the forest. I would just be in the forest. I've slept in a forest which has Tigers leopards, I've slept in the sand

in a in a dry river bed

all night.

I remember lying in the sand. And looking up at the sky and there's no electricity anywhere close by Switch completely dark and brilliant sky studded with stars like diamonds. And I till this day. And now this memory is not only 50 years old. I am I remember thinking myself that I am looking at a star. And I've seen a star. But it's entirely likely that this star by the from the time that this particular ray of light which is infecting my retina here from the time this ray of light left the star till now is I don't even know how many hundreds or 1000s of light years that represents. In that period this star may have died

because that was the start may have died. But I'm seeing the stuff. So I it's entirely possible that when I'm looking at the sky, star studded sky, I am seeing something that no longer exists.

So I'm actually looking into the past.

Just think about it. Just get your mind around this now. And this is a 15 or 16 or 17 year old within quotes kid I was not I was not a kid at 50 Believe me

lying in the sand in a riverbed in the middle of the night. And why was it like that? Not because of a fool.

But I wanted to catch the I wanted to I was I was after a particular duck which came at dawn

and I thought it simpler for me instead of me walking all the way back home and coming back in the morning. It has been an idea. I imagined that What about tigers and leopards? Well, they don't eat junk food.

I was not afraid of them. I had a gun.

And I know they don't bother you animals don't bother you unless you bother them.

I'm not Tiger food.

So I'm safe unless I do something stupid. And why was the lemming lying in the middle of the of of the riverbed sand because of great visibility I'm not I'm in the middle of the of the riverbed. I'm not visible because I'm flying flat on the ground. But when I look around, I can see to a good distance on all my all sides from wherever I

see if I need to do something I can do something.

What happens if I if something comes to me when I'm sleeping? Well? Why is there always ilogger? Why do I either proceed?

This is how you raise children.

This is how you teach them responsibility.

And obviously nothing happened to me at 66 abscission talking to

my betters never stopped me.

I would go house ready first light leave the house had a moped I would go with on that was riding club. I would ride horses for sometimes three hours, sometimes four hours

for five horses.

And I would pick I would pick the right one.

All the others. I got them they would give it to me right? Because

I don't want to say this I mean you know,

though, inability to get along with people. So all those stars and the and the caretakers of the horses. They like me I like them

and they knew I loved writing and in a way I was helping them out because you know I was doing within quotes their work.

And in the process, I got a lot of experience riding horses. Now I became very good at it.

Then when I was 1979

So I was 24

Right 7955 to 75 and 444. So I was 2324 years old. I went to South America. My father was there my whole family

When I finished my BA graduated and I went for holiday

I just carried I took my there was no else to keep them so I my certificates, my graduation certificate and so on. I took them with me, and I put them in those days. It was

my first international travel I've never gone anywhere out my first international travel and literally went across the world.

So I put those certificates into my suitcase checked in baggage thinking that they will be saved there.

So I took the flight Hyderabad to Bombay, Mumbai to London, London to New York, New York to Miami, Miami to Georgia.

Though the flying devil over 24 hours, I flew a Caraval jet

from Hyderabad to

Bombay. Those days it was called Bombay not only

from Bombay to London, I was on a

Boeing 707

London to New York. I was on a McDonnell McDonnell Douglas DC 10

New York to Miami now I can't remember what what plane it was, but it was probably

probably also a boy.

And then from

Miami, to Georgetown, I was on a Boeing 707 which was probably the first one I ever built because it was very old.

And it was run by my airline called British West Indian airways. BWI a

which was short for but will it arrive that's what they used to call it.

I traveled Air India I travel Indian Airlines used to be the Air India domestic airline was calling. I traveled Indian Airlines from Hyderabad to Bombay, Air India from

no British Airways from Bombay to London. Then pan-am, which no longer exists, beautiful li Pan Am from London to New York.

And then New York to Miami now I think it was July I'm not sure. I forget now, and then BWI

a lot.

When I landed in Georgetown,

I found that my suitcases had decided at two suitcases which contained my entire worldly wealth.

I discovered that these suitcases had decided to go somewhere else.

So I was in,

landed in Georgetown airport, with the shirt on my back.

My certificate everything gone.

On I told one, that only my worldly wealth and that was close and so on, but that was it. So I was clean. I had lost everything I had

bad experience, a good experience, because I learned how to travel. And it took me like 10 minutes to get over the grief of having lost all my worldly wealth.

As far as as far as certificates are concerned, I said well, you know, who cares? Who knows what is my university in Georgetown?

I went for a holiday. Two weeks into holiday I was you know, at a loose end, my father said look, there is a job of assistant Administrative Manager in one of our mining locations in a place called copani which is 200 kilometers from where we are 60 miles inland in the middle of the Amazonian rainforest. I have interest as of course. So I went for an interview. I got selected. I was delighted as his first interview of my life, and I got selected. I didn't know that I was the only one being interviewed. Nobody wanted to go there.

So I went there.

My father then my parents after one year, they returned to India. So avato asked me my parents asked me this is what do you want to do? You want to come back with us? Of course, obviously, most well. I said no, I want to stay here.

Is there a candle toggle? They didn't say oh my god how we used to my mother didn't Oh My God My poor son. Now we used to you will not get who will give you the money? No.

So you want to stay on your guard.

I said five years, five years in the middle of the Amazonian rainforest on my own.

A letter

took two months if I mailed the letter and I used to write quite regularly

when I mailed the letter and Cocconi for the letter to reach Hyderabad or India anyplace

And if the person who to whom I wrote replied instantly meaning as soon as he or she got the letter, same day, same day, they replied and they posted it. It will take another one month to get back. So one month one month to get back. So the if I wrote a letter I would if I received the reply to my letter in two months, I was lucky

I stayed five years,

some of the best memories of my life.

I slept with Amazon I used to, again I was mad about might about hunting and fishing. I used to hunt and fish. A friend of mine called Peter house a bit and I would go I had a boat.

We will go in the boat flat bottom boat with a road outboard motor. We will travel up the Burmese river sometimes 50 Miles 100 Miles and spend the whole weekend from from Friday till Monday we will be in the Bush

who take hammocks sling up the hammock between two trees and sleep in the night spend our day hunting fishing. cook our own food. Who has what is this was our life. Coup de veau he did you know

sadly those days I didn't have me there was for like a dorm house.

And I lived a multi millionaire lifestyle but you know it was handled like given to wireless router.

So I had no camera.

So I'm one borrow two photographs with some other people to have them or otherwise known what I mean by memory. It's all there album after album after album.

If somebody ever invents an app which can project what's my memory on to

digitally or on paper, you can see it but I can see it.

Completely around.

There I not only at the age of 2425 I ran an entire mining town.

I ran a sawmill like I conceptualized set up and ran and complete sawmill operation,

including sourcing

Greenwald and wallarah trees from the Amazonian rainforest, getting them out to the sawmill citing them

cutting them and making them into usable timber, timber.

They don't do the whole story is there the in the book so read it, I hope you enjoy it and write some comments. But the point I'm making is that all of this happened.

And today I see a 25 year old who tells me oh please get me married.

Or 45 year old staying at home mom's cooking us eating the food

does not really hope.

You want me to feel sorry for them. It's ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. This is absolutely this parenting. If my parents had told me no, you have to come back with us to India, I have to I would have had to go back

there until they asked me is what do you want to do?

And as I told you, my mother, my father, they never said oh my god, what will happen to you? What do you fall sick? What will what if this happens that happens is the rainforest there's so many wildlife they knew they knew that my son is capable of taking care of himself.

And we make dua and we have faith in our training. And we have faith in our da we have faith in our rock gentlemen.

My question to you my parents is my question to you. The parents listen to this. Do you have faith in Allah?

Do you have faith in your own raising of your own children

and that's why I wanted to get married.

Again, long story. And today I'm recording this 21st of March 2022

is my 37th wedding anniversary 100.

I met the my wife who I

met and decided to we decided to get married.

I went to apparently the police and a proposal.

I said here is the money.

We do the HCA and we draw you fellas

my parents didn't spend one cent not one rupee.

I got married. I didn't go to somebody please give me married. No.

I got married at the age of 30. When I came back from where I was there from 34 till 29 or 30. Then I came back to India. And that's when I got my

sister's. Decide if you want to succeed in life. Believe me it is your life.

It is your life. It's not somebody else's life. Nobody owes you anything

you want to succeed. Go ahead succeed.

You don't want to succeed, it's your call, don't succeed

is no skin of anybody else's nose.

Get this into your skull.

And as parents,

remember,

do the right thing. And have faith in yourself, and have faith in your children and have faith in Allah subhanaw taala.

A friend of mine who,

Hindu, Renoir got their head, this is a cult that they have, and they have a guru. So, you know, they always take his advice for everything, and so on. So he trophy,

rather amusing story of him, but very appropriate. He said that his son wanted to go to America, to study in America, and his son was 21 years old. So this

and you're pushing the way I want to go. And so the parents said, Look, we'll ask the Guru Ji.

And if he agrees, then you can go.

So they took him to the guru.

And they said to him, Guruji, this is my son, and he wants to go and study in America and so on. You know, we are worried about culture, this or that, and that's the West. And they did so much of they didn't use the word faith and our raw people. Oh, there's so much fitness.

So they said, This is what what should we do?

The Guruji gave an answer, believe me, I think that man reserved deserves to be a guru.

He said

that whether he should go or should not go is not a question that I can answer. It's a question that you should answer. And that depends on what you did with him in these 21 years.

Is your son is your daughter capable?

Of being independent? That depends on what you did with them. What did you teach them?

What did they learn from you?

I bet my brother and sisters, parenting is not something that can be outsourced to the masjid to the mother or to the mouth to the Sunday school to the Monday school to the to your regular school. No.

Parenting is your job that your children they have your genes.

The school and the mom and the bear and the Sunday school and the middle school and the summer school and summer camp. All of these are aids. All of these are things to help you in your parenting.

But the responsibility is yours, and the job is yours. That is why you have the position that you have.

Allah subhanaw taala give you a special position for what? For the genetics. Every cow does it every buffalo does it.

So

it is for the third year.

It is for raising of children, not for just the child being born.

That's a biological process.

More often than not, it's from your perspective, it is accidental. It's not accidental Wallace rather's perspective, a lot of it. But from your perspective, half the time people don't even know illustrate this, I discover that they're pregnant.

Good hamdulillah May Allah give you great children. But remember, it's not something that we just happen out of the blue.

At the end of the day, if you want to have children who are going to pray and make dua for your maffra for your forgiveness in tahajjud every single day. And believe me Alhamdulillah my parents raised us in such a way that all my siblings, we all make dua for our parents for giving us the title. All of us all fivers.

100

the credit goes to them this how there is risk. They're not there, either of them today, verify if I missed, my father's not going to come ask me.

The responsibility doesn't happen overnight. It happens when you it is given gradually in a greater manner throughout the life of the child. Get them involved in your life. And remember, you are their role model.

Irrespective of whether you want to be or not.

The only choice you have is what kind of role model do you want to be? Do you want them to look look up at you? Or do you want them to look down at you? Do you want them to look at you and say this is how I want to be to my children? Or do you want to want them to look at you and say well, this is a these are the traps that I must avoid when I have children.

Which one

because you're teaching them you are teaching them irrespective whether you like it or not.

You are the teacher of your parent of your children.

Decide what kind of teacher you want to be

asked to give your children who you can who can will be genuine southco Jharia for you

and to give you the wisdom and the understanding to do it, while you can

also know how long that will carry while it was being made, but I have to get on with it.