Channel: Maryam Lemu
Sister Miriam, Mr. Sara, you do? Thank you so much for taking time out to share your thoughts, your knowledge and experience on this topic. It's an honor to have you both and I'm sure there won't be any need to introduce in greater details as to who you are. So on behalf of her a man, we'd like to say thank you again for joining us this evening. To avoid any sort of interruption. Please feel free to write down your questions in the chat icon below. And we will inshallah try to answer as many as possible at the end, Sr Miam. Mr. saye, do the floor is yours. So we're not bringing anything abstract here, we're actually trying to go as much as we can, by the book, like I always say it's
not compulsory to get married. However, once we choose to go into that contract in the Presence of Allah, then we have rights. However, we also have obligations, and ignorance is not an excuse. So we need to make sure that we are all on the same page. We know our rights, however, we know our obligations in black and white. So we do not go and say, Sorry, I didn't know. So say it. One of the biggest problems and you talk about this a lot is this issue to do with the conflict between religion and culture. I'm sure your thoughts on that. If our probiotic everybody I hope you had a wonderful meal.
Allah reward us for the efforts of our inviter today, one of the things that I'd like to start with is to re emphasize what marriage means in Islam.
So like I said, getting married to someone and fulfilling the obligations of marriage is meeting half of
about a once even if you were to aggregate all your acts of bad karma to Shahada, which was stated or narrated, or spoken in our ears when we were born, for those who are born Muslims and the reverse who recited it to become Muslims, with a five daily prayers to the fast in your in this month for the month of Ramadan, to pay zakat, and if one is able in one's lifetime, to make the holy pilgrimage to Mecca, and to have all those activities rather including the charitable acts of kindness to neighbors, not breaking the ties of kinship, all those other acts, you add them all of acceptable all they have.
Fulfilling the rights and obligations of marriage for both husbands and wives is the other half.
Muslims, for whatever reason don't seem to pay particular attention to that. And it's been clearly stated, like Maryam said in the Quran, and when we follow the Sunnah.
And to remember, we tend to want to quote the Quran verbatim when it comes to certain rights and obligations in marriage. Choosing sometimes to set aside the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam when the Sunnah, is like a walk in.
So it is important that we understand these rights and what Maryam said about traditional culture, particularly in the Nigerian context, and to a certain degree, the African context, and you could even go as far as in southern Middle Eastern countries and Asian and Asian countries, where for whatever reason, we choose to give culture, tradition, deference over religion. And that is a very, very big mistake. Now, we both products of poligon. I had the
privilege and benefit to have a father who accommodated my curiosity. And I would see certain acts that were done in our home and sometimes with relatives. And I'll go to my father and ask him is this religion or is this tradition? And he will honestly tell me which one it is. And I saw more tradition. And I saw religion, in how women related to their husbands.
And another thing I observed,
and we will get to that when we start talking about rights and responsibilities is the apparent lack of knowledge of the women
and the lack of interest that men exhibited in making sure that women were knowledgeable
With all my experiences, all the questions I was asking all the responses my father gave me, my understanding of his mom, I was really in a state of fear,
fear for not meeting those rights and those obligations. So Marian has told the story so many times that I started telling her about her rights as a wife during courtship.
I did not wait until we got married. And then when we got married, I taught her her rights. Then I taught her my rights, and I taught her responsibilities. And I taught her my responsibilities. The reason why
I made it a duty
for Marian to know what my responsibilities are,
is for her, to tactfully, respectfully rip me back on line, if I start to deviate. Because being harassed her garment, and, and chibi in mind, neither one of us would want to offend Allah by not fulfilling those rights and those obligations to one another. So by being each other secure, we're really, we had to work hard on making sure we did not either by commission or omission,
fail to fulfill those obligations. Now, going back to the point Marian made and I said, we tend to
go with tradition. That is the problem that many people have, because we tend to want to emulate what we grew up seeing, never having the courage to question
whether what our parents were doing
was right or wrong.
And here's a key point I want to make.
Parents are human beings, and are perfect. Yeah. They sent us to school, both Islamia and Western education, to gain knowledge, and with the hope that we would be more knowledgeable than them.
When you get to that stage, where you do have that knowledge, you've acquired the knowledge, you know, what should and should not be.
And you can reflect and see that the parents clearly made mistakes.
It's not about condemning them, to sizing them. No, it's about seeking others forgiveness for them.
As you do that, you don't make the same mistake, seek out those guidance on you and your spouse, not to make the same mistakes.
And so, there's, there's there are mistakes made, we hope people would muster the courage to reflect on what they grew up seeing.
And to embark on critical thinking.
And to do research and study and understand, we will not be forgiven for emulating our parents in doing wrong.
We won't be
because more than I think any generation with what we have available at our fingertips right now here we are communicating and learning each other through zoom, you can do the same using your phone, and so on and so forth. Our generation will have very little excuse me, for Allah.
So I just want to say that before we go on, and then we can go into this and we will go through them as one by one.
To establish the fact that Allah first before tradition, before culture, anything else, that's when we're going to answer to for what we did or didn't do. If I'm to summarize what he said, you know, our parents, not all of them got it, right. And our responsibility is to be aware to be conscious of the good, the bad, and the not pleasant that we saw. Make sure not only we asked a lot, forgive them for their shortcomings because they're human, but we make sure we do not repeat it ourselves. And I know this is something I we find a lot when we counsel couples, we have we replicate what we see in the home, the manner with which your parents communicate, the way they relate and all those things.
So now that is the place where we need to look and do that introspect. Are we repeating what we saw and is it
Lesson to our spouse, because that's the big question. Is it pleasant? The person on the receiving end of everything we are doing? Do they enjoy it? And is it a mutual Win win in the relationship? So let's dive straight into the duties of the men in the relationship. So the first one is dairy, obviously, which, which we all know. Yeah. And to make sure I, there was a wedding that my father in law oversaw. And it was one of my nieces getting married. And he asked about the diary during the course of the car. Once the amount was announced, he said, Where is the money? My father in law said, Emily will collected the money and say, here, given right now to the bride, as the nikka was
going on, he wanted to send a message. The Diary is for the bride, nobody else, not a family members, not her parents, not her brothers sisters. I took that money immediately from the whole of the nigga went inside and gave it to the bride. And there's a lot of confusion about that. But that money leaves the hand of the groom to leave and to her hands. That's the injunction stipulated by Ursula salamanders. That is just something that was really sweet. My dad had absolutely no money when he was getting married my mom, do you know, mommy lent him?
Yeah, it was so sweet that she lent him the money for the dowry. And I remember mine was 10,000 IRA. And my mum asked me if she should invest it for me. And I was like, Yes. And she bought a cow. And that cow did up having a family of about 14 other cows cattle that came out of that one first one Mmm, we called it Annabel. Never forget, but
before they say, Oh, you've got
a whole lot more than it
got me cheap. That was too in love.
All right, the second sponsibility or duty of a man what he owes his wife is an allowance and I know a lot of people are gonna see an allowance. This one is an interesting one, whether she is employed or not, whether she makes more money than the husband or not, the husband owes her an allowance. In the event that at a particular time, he was not able to meet that particular obligation, they will have an arrangement. Whenever he has the means he will give it to her. If she so pleases,
she could give it back to him and tell him to leave it as a Celica. But a husband does all the work and allowance and you can agree at a reasonable amount. This allowance has nothing to do with the upkeep of the house has nothing to do with paying electricity or water utility bills, has nothing to do with paying the God knows the cooks. Nothing. It's her money to spend as she so pleases every month, it can go from 20 to 30 to 50, those with knees can go up to 100,000. But more or more, but there is an allowance that the husband is supposed to give away. And let me reiterate when he can do it should be a discussion. Yeah. And then they can either defer that. Or she can just get in charity
to him. Yes. And I love that because that's in addition to what's mine is mine and what is our So, ladies in liking this right.
The third is accommodation.
This is particularly important when it comes to the issue of polygamy.
In a monogamy, it is required that a man provide his wife with decent accommodation that is safe, comfortable and meets the standard that she is used.
Now, here, here's a little story in my case.
When we were courting, I told Miriam I was
A struggling student. I wasn't rich. I knew the condition under which she was living. And I made it clear that if that was an issue,
I given her the right the choice to dump me.
marry somebody with means that we'll give her the accommodation that the type of accommodation that she's used.
we're here today. Yes. But yeah, seriously, he was like so broke
time where we ended up picking bread and milk. We had absolutely.
Because he made the tragic mistake of opening a joint account. And the word budget did not exist in my vocabulary. My word didn't understand the concept of balancing, I can't I guess
I was at work working in the bank just told me that they needed to see me in the bank, and I should bring my wife along.
bygones be bygones right? Now. Um, the fourth one, I think this is where a lot of people fail, or fall short. And that is to do with making sure the wife or the wives are treated equally and fairly. So shed light on that I'm in a monogamous marriage.
It's expected that the husband will treat his wife fairly.
There are other areas which we will, we will get to. But the question of fairness is important, even in monogamy,
in a manner of speaking in man of communication,
in how he treats and how he treats his wife.
One thing that many men forget, a woman leaves the confidence security of a parent's home and comes into a new environment. And she leaves everything that she's loved and cared for behind and is transitioning into a new environment that is strange, and the furniture, the bed, everything she has to get used to.
There is a need for men to be very accommodating. Because it's a stressful and very trying period, as much as a woman is in love with her husband. That transition is oftentimes not as easy, as many of us think it is because we are the ones in our environment. And we say oh, we have to change we have to accommodate, we have to make sacrifices, but it's not as traumatic as a woman leaving her family and coming into a new home with totally new strangers. So it's important that we as men are cognizant of that we are sensitive to that we are also empathetic, in recognizing that these changes can cause some level of discomfort, whether emotional or psychological. And then when we talk about
equally, we're talking about polygamy.
the third, the fourth sort of fourth,
fourth chapter in the Quran. And this, I think, verse three talks about
the beginning is about men who are taking care of orphans, female orphans, whose parents have mattered at war. And these are rich orphans. And some of these men fall in love, or become attracted to the office. Or soon I recognize that these solar is seldom that the young ladies in the Quran saw that they may be rich or wealthier than the men who had been their caretakers. So they would advise rather than focus on something that you really cannot maintain. You can marry from your own status, marry two, three, or four. But the closing of that particular verse says, If you cannot be just stay with one. Now, if you go further
and sort of defer.
It also goes on to say,
Allah is aware that it's not possible to love everybody equally.
But we're talking about being just in the time you give them and the attention that you give them in the finances that you give them and so on and so forth.
affairs of the heart are difficult to measure. So why
Even an individual who will try I mean, it's hard to do it even with your own children from a single wife, let alone two, three or four wives. So but it's still in the Quran that when Allah knows, as a man, you tried your best to fulfill that responsibility. And you really made an effort. Allah knows that. And all actions being judged according to intention, Allah in His mercy will forgive one, that's the man for any shortcut for Allah knows the intention is genuine. So that intention that desire to be just is strong in the man's heart. But it is one of the conditions when you marry more than a wife might more than a wife, or two or three. So that's something we should keep in mind.
But the emphasis was this thing if you do go into polygamy, equality in, in as much as you can be fat? Yeah. Because it's the emphasis on you know, the responsibility of a man to the wife, wife or wives is, be fair speed just let there be equality if it's more than one, equality, not necessarily in love, because even I shall reveal now.
Otherwise, you have special?
Yes, however, you go back to Khadija ready? Yes. And this is the interesting thing that many of us tend to forget.
was 40 years old.
And Susana was under her employment,
out of admiration of his trustworthiness, and so on and so forth. She became attracted to him. And at the age of 25, she sent word to him that she was interested in becoming his wife. He married her. And for another 25 years,
she was his only wife. So when we talk about polygamy, polygamy being a sin, so is monogamy. Because through all those years, when I'm assuming that was, was my true identity,
he did not marry another wife until she until she passed away. And for people to understand how much he revealed her.
After her death, after being married to
his other wife, and co several wives, her friends would come visit in him. And the way the respect he gave them created jealousy to the extent that his wife and Elijah
made some rather unfortunate remarks, her jealousy to get the best of her and for one month,
so Lola solo, sell them and made them No, he was very displeased with that behavior that they exhibited, because of how much Khadija will allow other men to him. So, we can say monogamy is a sin,
polygamy is a sin. And polygamous should not be critical of the monogamous or wanting to remain monogamous.
We have our reasons. But I just let you know you have to share that story.
My father, at a particular time, he had us metaphor wise. And one day he tends to read the Quran in the afternoons between Azur and Maghreb, and I tend to just sit next to him. I wonder, as you're reading the Quran, he just looked up and used to call me and he said, yeah, if I live long enough to witness, you married to a very wonderful wife, and you come to me and tell me you want to make a second wife, I will go down on my knees and beg you not to. I was about 1617. And that statement really shocked me because I was like, what got into my dad to have that conversation with me. I didn't even have a wife in mind. And he was made to for women of the time. But as soon as he
finished making that statement, he didn't give me an opportunity to ask him, Baba, why this conversation? He just went back to reading the Quran. And that was how the conversation ended. And I reflected on that. For many, many years. I say he must have studied me and realize if this other man makes a mistake of mine, in other words, more than one what I can just see him boggling things and
messing things up. And I just kept thinking, you said one day you can talk to me Well, not.
How did I end up with one of you?
that's, that's my reality. And that was a conversation that my father and I had about polygamy and monogamy. And it's something really, I've never forgotten. And just he planted that seed. And even when she came to me one time considering asking me to marry a second wife, I told her, I don't I don't think so. Anyway, said it wouldn't be fair to her. I Yes, I did. Because at that time we were delivered. I mean, we've built up this relationship, we've developed this partnership, this friendship, that I feel anybody coming in would find themselves on the sideline, and I feared they will never be able to catch up to what we've established. And I felt right there will be being
adjust to that particular one. So ladies, back off, I know what you guys are up to.
Alright, next. Oh, yeah, sorry, I just wanted to add, because amongst the things we deal with, when we do a lot of counseling, and some of the emails we get, is this issue to do with being fair, a lot of women complain about the fact that it's not fair, we were together, when you had absolutely nothing. And then when you finally made it, and I suppose paid for things during your journey, maybe supported your education, finally make it and then you now bring in a second or third or whatever number of wives afterwards that that issue to do with being fair. I know, my husband and I had a recent Facebook and Instagram, talk on polygamy where we talked about do it the right way, don't let
them find out by accident. And but that is also being fair. It's not fair to her to make her feel she's no longer worthy, or, you know, the fairest of them all has come. And then the other is a lot of women today who are saddled with responsibilities that are not meant for them to bear. Yes, that is not fair. And like it said, if there are economic challenges, it requires a discussion. And it's not her responsibility. And a lot of times you find school fees,
helpful food, yeah, and so many other things, household expenses of keeping everything become her responsibility. That is not fair. That is not how it's meant to be in Islam. So we need to be conscious of our responsibilities. So we do not assume or take for granted what someone else is doing. like Steve mentioned, certain things that you can see, okay, like the monthly upkeep money, you can make sure you agree that I will pay you back one day when I can afford it. As long as there's the discussion, mutual agreement and understanding. Hopefully, that should make it easier. The same applies to these other responsibilities. When you can afford it, let your wife know you're
going to pay her back because it's not her responsibility. I mean, these are the real kind of talks we need to have in marriage, not to assume and not to think they are ignorant because ignorance. A lot of people have access to information today. And the more we find out, the more we resent when we see our spouse is not fulfilling their role. So just wanted to say that, then the number five is protection, that a man's duty is to protect his wife.
In that particular area.
It's wide, because people think it's actual physical protection within the house. In our case,
it's my responsibility to protect my wife, from everybody. Yeah, my wife is married to me, not to my family.
And I made that clear based on what I grew up seeing and what my mother's was subjected to, by families of my father.
And I went to him asking him about that particular behavior of his relatives. And my father being liberal, he said, that is wrong. So I knew way in advance, and I made my family understand that my wife is my wife. She's not a public wife. She's not everybody's white people don't come into my house or make a phone call. I'm having dinner. Have your wife prepare something? I say? No. That is not acceptable by me. Today, if I made the accommo I want the moment. I want the awkward soup. The vegetable soup. There's a movie that I did everything. She cut the oranges for the black one.
On the tray, and the two of us each and mango, she did the Manga Manga.
And the two of us took the trays to where we're going to eat every single day to experiment have any help in the house? Exactly lockdown. Exactly. So when you come to my doorstep, I'm breaking fast like, you don't call me I'm not going to go into the kitchen and make repair for you. I mean, I'm the one doing it. So people that extend Oh, you don't have the house help living with you? I said, No. I saw their son. So you do everything? Yes, we do. And then just about an hour after we're done, I'm gonna end up in the kitchen doing the dishes. So you know, I
I'm protected. If you want something called me. If I can do it, I will if I can ask, my name doesn't even say so it's when the house around 100 law says, Maria, can I
hear you did? I'm just saying when people want to come, I have to ask her if it's okay, and what can she do? it's acceptable, even to tell the house have to cook something why we live in this house together. I don't own this house. And I have a right to bring whomever I want to bring. So in terms of that protection, apart from the physical one, even that aspect with people wanting to impose and have to do things that she's not supposed to, I will protect my wife. And that is something I'm very, very serious. And everybody knows that. So say no, if it's in between a white person, whatever they want to say I'm okay with him like him, but
there's nothing white about this. It's in the Quran.
Yeah, so anyway, yes. That's the protection, asset protection. So you're like a guardian. Yes. Your white guardians are supposed to protect them. There's so many verses in the Quran way that is mentioned. Yes. Now then the next one, number six is lawyer. Yes. Tell me more. Well,
we are supposed to be playful,
compassionate, give our loved ones pet names,
put our heads on that last day, they had a lapse, and so on and so forth. That used to work with us, you know, until I started snoring and I got kicked out.
have to do those things. These are partners, you know, we enjoy each other's company, we laugh together, there's a lot of human.
We want to make each other comfortable and happy. We want to be each other source of comfort. So love covers a lot of things we encourage we inspire, whether to be supportive, when they're feeling down, whether to lift them up. whatever challenges they are having, we are to be there to be their backbone, all of that is covered. And the love is not just the romantic aspect or the intimacy aspect of it. It's truly caring for the person. Here's my thinking. When I was quoting this woman, I wasn't the only suitor looking to marry her. When she chose me, I felt I owe her all the love that I can give her because she had options. She could have gone different places. So but she chose me in
appreciation for that I owe her all that Allah said I should give.
And that is what sometimes when I see couples fighting, I wonder what happened to the love that you had before the marriage? Where did it go? And we constantly keep reminding ourselves of that big picture not to forget, and we still tell stories of the courtship we still talk about funny incidences during the courtship and so on and so forth some difficult periods. You know, I was so stressed by her father I was like a stick I lost so much weight you know, there was like nothing.
But the key thing is to never forget to never forget, you know that. That love is what brought you together and you have to work to keep it alive to keep it burning. That person you fell in love with is still in there. Sometimes life happens and sometimes you lose sight of your target why you got together in the first place. It's not just to procreate have kids. And that's it. The marriage has been sealed. It takes work.
Literally, I would say every single day, my husband and I make sure we deposit in each other's emotional bank accounts, we do something in words of validation, a hug, you know, a compliment, make each other feel we matter. It's deliberate. It's part of our code of conduct. So yeah, helping each other grow, we grow together, things to do with love, like, my, we're both taking courses online. Since the lockdown. We've been on a mission to just grow and learn and make sure we don't come out of this the same way we went into it. So he's taking this course called longevity, longevity blueprint, um, you know, about living a healthy life. And he's always been the health one where he
eats a lot of salads and, you know, is conscious of exercising and so on. I have a problem with no food, I love food. I love sweets, and desserts in particular. And so I look at food and that's it. I gain weight. However, in this longevity group, he was learning certain workout. And what I loved is it called me and I think there's somebody's mic on Now hold on until they're let me go
to the TV, then then
They need to be told to go watch Chitty Chitty Bang, bang. So mommy and daddy can watch this. So yeah, um, issue to do with that exercise in this course, he's taking the give him a certain exercise routine that he will be doing, upgrading and escalating. So he knows what to do the squats. And he did like 20 the first time and he's like, man, come and join me. And I did. I could hardly reach 10. And I swear to God, my legs were shaking, my heart was beating so fast. So I promised myself the next day I would do so that I maintained since he's on a mission to do. So we he came to do it my legs literally, I felt like I told my leg muscles. So I couldn't do it that day. I couldn't do it.
The day after I told him even to sleep was hard because I felt I had done some damage. But by the fourth day, I did with him. And we did together and I reached 20. And since that day, we I've been waking up very early and he sleeps in late. I have gradually been adding 10 1010 and now today I was so proud to tell you I reached what 7070 so excited. But what I'm talking about is this thing to do with the love because what's good for him is good for me. And there are so many various ways of expressing love. Like it said, it's not only about the intimacy, and the next one is actually kindness. The one after love is kindness amongst the obligations. And love and kindness go together.
It's about compassion to have this emotional intelligence. being considerate, being kind,
empathetic, empathetic, is supportive, and helping out when you see her stress. I remember when we had the babies and she had a bout of migraine attacks. And we were fortunate to live in a place that had multiple levels. And I would always take the kids away. I would always be as far away from her as possible feed the kids break the kids, just we just wanted it to be healthy. And one of the kids the younger one got so close to me that for many years, when he gets when he gets sleepy, he just finds my chest crawl. I am planning on me and put his chest on my head, his head on my chest. He was in secondary school told me and this boy was still trying to find my chest I'm like you're gonna
suffocate me because you know, we can't do that anymore, but like the tallest
one. It's interesting when there are so many benefits to being kind and considerate to your wife. And believe you me to the brothers. The joys of the reward right here on Earth are just immeasurable. And some brothers and funny thing, it's a burden. It's not my responsibility. It's a women thing and so on and so forth. No it's a partnership that
you had the children together and raising them together is a joy that you will reap the rewards are for the rest of your life and inshallah even when you are in your grave for those children will never forget and they will keep praying for you and ultimately with children. They die
The objective is for them to be an asset to society, and to be so they get a jury. So we raised them to add value to humanity. And to also be like good testimonials of our lives. Whatever good we're doing, we pray, they continue. And you stop that from when they when they are tiny when they are born. And the kind of help the kind of a system the kind of kindness you extend to their mother. They see that and they know Baba really loves mama and Baba will stand up and do whatever he can for Mama, they never forget that and you leave an imprint. If it's a boy, he knows how to treat a woman. If it's a woman, she knows how a man ought to treat her. Yeah, so these things are important. And
when we do this, we are also teaching lessons to generations to come. Absolutely, yes, absolutely. So yes, kindness. That is really. And I think now that we're facing this lockdown, we've been getting a lot of complaints of spouses who feel, you know, my spouse, no longer Yeah, my spouse doesn't need to go to work anymore, therefore, but they leave me with all the responsibility of the kids and the cooking the cleaning, literally everything like Can't you be supportive, this is part of being kind. This is the love. You know, like I always say, if you Lord over your spouse, they're gonna give you a hard time, you're not gonna be happy, you're not gonna have a home, you're just
gonna live in a house. And sometimes you live like roommates. So you need to be very conscious of this. Because what is the point of being together? If you can't share that beautiful relationship that's attainable? A lot of people here what's the either and I talked about but like, you know, our story, the first six years, we were it was an emotional roller coaster of love, hate, passion, disgust. I mean, everything you could imagine, and what we went through, I don't think many couples have been through that kind of survived and survived it. Yes, some are going through hell. We know that because we counsel a lot. However, you know, to have been through that and get to where we are
today. It's attainable. it's achievable. Don't think oh, my god, no way can I ever get that that's for them, not for us. It's for both of you to commit and I promise you insha Allah, Allah will put his blessings in your effort. Because once you make the effort, Allah just seems to just make things easier for you, inshallah, this one is a very important one another responsibility or duty of the man in Islam is respect. respecting the wife. Yeah.
The question is, why not say,
You reached out, you ask for someone's hand in marriage.
The family acquiesced. They agreed, given you in a manner
once that marriage is consummated, you'll start to your own family, your own home, your own culture.
How do you build that, without respecting each other? Respect is not supposed to be a one way street is supposed to go both ways. And rest assured what you give, you will get back in return.
If you're not getting it back in return, there is a need for a discussion, protect yourself. Either you are the problem or your spouse may be the problem. But the important thing is to sit down and say I am extending My respect to you. You're not extending it back to me. Now, why is there anything I am doing to cause you to treat me with disrespect? Sometimes the language we use to communicate, sometimes the mannerisms in which we treat one another, and so on, and so forth. And sometimes it's about the environment that we grew up in. Whether we like it or not, we are the sum of our experiences, and what we bring into a marriage based on what I said earlier, if we're unable to
our past, our relationships are what we experienced growing up, and identifying those things that are good and those things that are not so good and making sure we accentuate those that are good. We try to overcome those or the bad, then we're not doing justice to ourselves and the intellect that Allah has given us and all the knowledge that we've acquired, which again will be asked about what did we do with it? So it's not enough your friends are telling you how to teach your wife or your relatives or telling you how to treat your wife. I keep reminding people. Judgment Day, no relatives is going to stand before Allah make excuses for you for mistreating your wife or your husband.
They're too busy dealing with their own issues. So understand in your marriage. That
reiterate fulfilling the rights and obligations of Americans have you ibadah
it's important, it's very important that we do not forget that. And the next item would emphasize that particular issue. Yeah. So just one more thing on respect. Yes, respect is reciprocal. It's so cliche, but it is true. You respect your spouse, they'll respect you back. If you Lord over them and act like they are your slave, it is hard for them to do it from the bottom of their heart, if they are not treated well, if you suppress their rights, what you owe them and you make them miserable, it's hard to earn that respect and respect has to be earned. You can't force it. I know some people say, if I play with my wife, or start to joke with her, she's not gonna respect me. It is so far
from true. It is so far from true. It should be the currency, part of your code of conduct is mutual respect, that no matter how angry I get, I'll never disrespect you. I will never dishonor you. That is so important. And it saves your marriage. Because once you have disrespect, contempt, and all those things will escalate it and cause a lot of damage.
The nature of the relationship? Yes, when they would race Yeah, when he would see a gathering
on her shoulder to eat for her he was playful was playful. But there was never disrespect. Yeah. And unfortunately, Miriam raised the point a few moments ago, where women are left with the responsibilities of upkeep of the home and school fees and so on. And that's not that bad would add men disrespect from women. And it's important, this new dialogue will discuss Exactly, exactly. That. The last one, we have nine here responsibilities of men in Islam is knowledge. Knowledge, I know this one comes as a surprise, I'm sure for so many knowledge. What does that mean? If you marry a woman, who's yet to go to university, and she had the desire to go to university, you go in
knowing fully well that the day she becomes your wife, that responsibility becomes yours. It's no longer her father.
When she is in your house, the writer responsibilities that we're talking about right now is the husband's duty. You can't say why or her father didn't teach others when you went quoting. And you investigated that is information that you would easily have uncovered, if she didn't have this knowledge of that. And then you had a choice to say, I would not like to be interested
in this woman, because you have this doesn't have this or that, that responsibility, the moment she becomes your wife is 100% yours. The greatest fear I had, when I got married to married is I so desperately wanted her to know, as much as I did.
One of the things that caused our earlier fights is I was in too much of a hurry for her to know everything. And I wasn't patient and I was pushing so hard. And I would snap if she forgot something, or she didn't get something. I want them. She said, Please be patient with me. I will catch up. At the beginning, Marie, I'm stubborn, Spoiled Brat that she was hated reading. So I tried to read to Miriam, and I'll start reading. And he would close his eyes he should just really blocker is. I said, Wow. I continued. I continued. And until one day she started listening. And then gradually should actually ask me, come and read me a bedtime story. And these are the books I
started with her rights and responsibilities and my rights and my responsibilities. That's how this whole thing got started. Until Maryam started reading on her own writing on her own and hamdulillah we're here today she's doing what she's doing. And my fear was a lot asking me come Judgment Day. Did you fulfill that obligation or making sure your wife is knowledgeable? It's a duty on me and it's a rite of hers. So it's not something to be taken lightly. And that knowledge as much as I could teach Maria, I did and I kept pushing. Today for many years I was a teacher. today. This young, beautiful wife of mine is some of the times my teacher. So I'm learning from her today and I
was humble enough that all my effort of Hamden law paid off, but two brothers, it's really something to
to pay attention to you
Fantastic. Now, I know you guys will be nice about this. We were actually supposed to stop in less than 10 minutes, but I know it just flowing. And I believe the organizers said we can go a little over time if we want. So we're gonna have to rush because it's not balanced if we do not to the rights of men, that is what do we, you know, what is the man's rights? What is what does his wife owe him. But just to quickly recap, we've got first one for duties of a man salary, then allowance.
Totally whatever you agree upon accommodation, and then the wife or wife should be treated equally and fairly. And then protection, love, kindness, respect, and knowledge. Now, the rights of a man or a husband, number one is that his wife should be obedient and serve Him. This is interesting, because obviously, a lot of men are like a hen now is that know why she should serve me She should be obedient, whatever I say she should do. And, you know, cook for me that's part of service. So
when you go to America, during the pronouncements of the niqab,
among the things they talk about, they talk about obedience, they talk about serving. And then they say, have feeding and clothing and how shelter is on the husband no longer on the Father, and also knowledge
in the serving. They never said cooking, or cleaning.
Among those required duties of woman to a husband is protecting his home, being obedient, because Allah gave the man the headship of the family. And so law went on to say the husband is like the shepherd
of his flock walk in whatever direction he goes, the family follows. So there is a caution there.
There is a caution that, yes, you leave but don't mislead them.
And every organization, any group, you have to have a lead and you have to have follow up. And Allah in His wisdom, said the man is to leave the house. Now here is a provider. When Allah said this, given obedience and serving and a man leading, it's an ignorant man.
It's not a man that's not knowledgeable.
It's not an arrogant man. It's not an uncaring man. It's not a man that doesn't love. It's not a man that doesn't project or give a kind of kindness. It's not a man that does not want to impart knowledge. Now, for you, for the wife to be obedient and follow. those qualities have to be in place. It's an automatic that simply because I'm the husband, I'm dumb, ignorant and caring, totally unaware of, of life development, and so on. And this beautiful woman who's educated and light and comes from a good background would just be obedient to me, what am I got to offer.
And so for us to get the respect, we have to earn the respect for the woman to be obedient. And honestly, when you educate a woman on these rights, it is a non issue, because she knows what obedience in the Islamic sense means. She knows what it means to serve now for 10 years,
when we first got married,
and I've been telling people this, one of the conditions that socialist stipulated in selecting a spouse is you can marry a spouse based on her beauty,
her genealogy, and her piety, personal advice, marry a woman based on her piety, she's already coming to you with some reasonable amount of knowledge of the faith. That's one, two. If you were to marry we advise to marry within our status. Why is that?
So that ever we marry within our status, we can provide her with the lifestyle that she's used to.
Now go marry Rockefellers daughter, and I'm here My father is a bush family, you know, and the lifestyle I can't afford, and no pretentiousness trying to be something I'm not so that I when maybe the father would give me a good endowment now go into business or become rich to when you marry based on truth. Well lucky. That is when Allah said I will bless you and enrich your union.
No deceit and the aspect of respect, there is an issue about certain Hadees that were reported by narrated by Mr. Bahari, one has to do with Fatima. The jello and how the daughter cinema Hama Salatu. Salam was made to say that it was alone.
I was having difficulty in assisting him in the chores of the house, and she went to the Father and said,
my husband doesn't have needs and
I am wondering if you could assist me with a servant.
As soon as soon as it can I give you a gift that's better than that. When you go to sleep at night, recycle can evaporate three times of handler that few times and a lot of awkward four times that's better than for you than having a servant.
Then, there is another Hadith narrated by Buhari that had to do with esmad bin Ahmed,
autopsy now Omar who married today, she used to go distant places to get hits of dates to bring back home. And Zuma was poor.
so windy on her way back, she made the solar returning in the same direction. And he said, Where are you going? She said, I'm going home. You still have some distance to go? She said yes. He said, Why don't you ride behind me. And so I just kind of kneel. So as much as right. And she said, thinking about how jealous Kobe is. She doesn't know how he would react if he heard that she was riding the camel of Brazil lesson seven. So she turned him down.
So she told the bear about this. He was like, Oh my goodness, he was the pole. He said me shocked that was offered you to ride the camera. He refused. He said that I was concerned about your jealous nature. So later on, she told her father.
And he said, is that what happened? And say now Omer sent his daughter, a servant to help. So here are two headings that show two extremes. So let's say like no, Fatima, go do it.
Say now I'm going to say, okay, asthma is a servant. Now, when we look at chick is his languages, students, a lot would say the woman cooking in the house is part of service.
But during resume, less allows, and less time, the women were cooking because most of the men were out in war. So that was understood that under those circumstances, that is acceptable.
But majority of the of the fukuhara, who are the guardians of Islamic conscience, the experts in fic said whenever a woman
cooks, in the home for the husband,
it is something that she does willingly, not because it's a duty.
Now, some scholars said custom may have a role to play. My problem with that is we oftentimes hide behind tradition
and culture to impose certain duties on women,
but of which is adequate for customers. So many scholars said, it's acceptable, if the custom because of the nature of earning a livelihood in a particular society, makes it incumbent upon the man to be away, and the woman to cook. But there is a condition. If the man has the needs to employ servants to cook, then he should do that. Because those are among the requirements that a woman is supposed to provide when she goes into a husband's home. If there is no means
and he can do it. That's where he AM. The woman needs to sit down and negotiate once in a while, Miriam cooks. When she does, I actually remind Marian, not to forget to make the intention that she's doing sadaqa for me, so she gets her reward.
But I have a lot of men who got up in arms and I'm not happy with this position that I've taken. I'm taking this position based on my studies, my research my discussions with so many people in so many scholars have gone deep to see what the majority of them say when a woman cooks. It is awesome.
On voluntary basis, but the man needs to tell the woman earn your reward. I appreciate it, but earn your reward. And I just want to make that clear. So we don't have this confusion. Let's not defer religion in favor of tradition, and culture. It's very important. We don't do that, please.
That was a lot. That was heavy stuff.
While he was speaking, I was obviously thinking that it's so important, I also explain certain things. Now, some people love to cook, and they want to cook, I want to cook for my husband, we in no way are saying don't lie that is so far from what we've seen. It's a passion, do it. Like I took a French and Italian cooking course I can cook over 200, French and Italian dishes that my stepmother taught me a whole bunch of dishes, and I've learned others along the way. So I actually love to cook I i during the lockdown, I've actually been cooking and experimenting a lot. And it's fun. However, it's just don't take that for granted that it is her responsibility. That's what we
have seen. But if she wants to do so the other thing since number one was obedience and serving Him. One thing I do is, of course, I always give my husband that respect that what he wants us to do, I give him that respect. He's the man of the house. So you lead me and I will follow you. And because he is follow worthy. He has earned that, you know, he's earned his stripes. So it's so easy. He says, I'd like us to do this. What I appreciate is he consults and he informs me, he carries me along of the journey. So I'm aware and I know why he's thinking goes towards certain decisions. But the issue to do with obeying our husband, it's important that your husband who is respect worthy,
was earned that definitely do so. And even if he hasn't tried your best, make sure you can show him what he's supposed to do. So that he can earn the respect. But try as much as you can to obey what your husband wants of you. And then to serve Him, my husband comes home, I make sure he's very comfortable, I make sure the house is clean, it looks good. Even if I'm not the one who cleans it, when the house help work around. I make sure they keep it meticulously clean. And when he comes home, it smells nice. And so those things to do, it's serving, making sure what he eats is excellent. He loves what he eats, those are all part of service. And that's something that I take
pride in doing, which a lot of women do. So I just appreciate this separation of culture from faith, because that is just enough. And that's just I do it possible. My
pleasure. Absolutely, yeah. And so that's what we want to clarify. Quickly. Number two, is a halau relationship with your spouse, part of the rights of the men that his wife owes him is a halau relationship.
That's pretty straightforward. intimacy is something that both husband and wife
need. And both husband and wife are required to make sure that both husband and wife are satisfied in the area of intimacy. And this, husbands need to talk to wives.
The survey shows men on average, three, four minutes more than women between eight and 20 minutes. women say it feels like laying an egg. Sometimes it's easier to lay an egg. It takes longer than I am not going anywhere. What I what I want to say is as men, we need to be considerate about that aspect of the relationship. This applies to both men. It's a duty on both the men and the women. And the right and the right for both men. and maintaining Hello Of course. Things like oral sex all that is allowed. However, no no sex that is haram, no intercourse during menstruation. Yes. But it doesn't mean you can be intimate with your spouse during your period because even less and less and
undescribed when his wife would put a cloth, you know, over her in her midsection, and then they would still be intimate. So it doesn't mean because she's not she's decommissioned and you yourself, make sure you can keep your husband satisfied, even during that off period. So then we go into number three, no admitting of one of a person he dislikes into his home so the woman has no right to bring people into the home that the husband dislikes. Yes. Yeah. That's pretty straightforward. And in laws,
even friends, definitely This applies so we can quickly pass that one
Then permission to go out of the house, the wife is meant to take permission from the husband, before she leaves the house. That is his right. And then number five is he has the right to be loved by the woman just as she has the right to be loved by him. And the way we extend love for, for the woman by the man. Same applies love for the man, by the way. And it's I think love is like respect. Yeah, you have to be lovable, to be loved. So you need to be someone who is nice, who is kind who is friendly, who's understanding who's thankful. So Love is a package, you know, it's not just isolated to an emotion, it's built in a gross, so that is to be loved. And then like the other one, kindness,
and respect, which we've already covered here, a man has the right to, for his wife to be kind to him. To respect him. Yes, so that one we've covered in full detail, which again, respect his urge. So normally, if a man is like my wife doesn't respect me, as a human being, it's important you or your husband respect, but the man also needs to earn the respect. If it's false. It's not. It's not true. It's not true respect. It's more fear. So then duties of a wife.
Number one, duties of a wife obedience, we've covered we've covered that Hello, relationship, we've covered that know what not admitting, once someone has been alone that the husband dislikes, and then ask before you leave the home, which is the flip side of all, we just mentioned to me, yes. And the duty of the wife is to serve her husband, cupboard. Then last one, the rights, the rights of a wife, the wife, what am I entitled to, of course, the dowry, we've covered that, but allowance, we've covered that accommodation, shelter, and love, love, kindness, respect, and knowledge. So I think we have done well with time. And I'm sure there's going to be a gazillion questions for us
waiting as soon as we
allow the floodgates to be open. So you know, this thing about relationship, it's just
that relationship, if you think about what it means, you know, Allah has said he has put more water and drachma in us, you know, love and mercy in our hearts, it's already built in. But certain behaviors, kill that. And that's the sad thing. If those negative traits are removed, you will find that there are more beautiful relationships that flourish and bloom and blossom. And, you know, it just continues to grow. I know, just the more than a week or two weeks ago, we were sitting in the garden, you know, and he just turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and it was around six, we go out every day and sit in the garden and watch the sunset, listen to the birds come back to the nest
that night. And so as we were sitting there quietly, peacefully, he just looked me in the eyes, and he said, I love you. And I was just looking at this guy, like, you know, I don't get this, but just it just feels good because I feel I'm doing my very best to make him love me. I'm doing my best to make myself lovable. And he's doing his best to make himself lovable. I told you I love you a few days ago.
Okay, so you know, it's like it just feels good. That emotion called Love 20 almost 29 years down the line still exists still features. We still get butterflies we talk about butterflies this fly wants to interview
anyway, but yeah, this thing to do with love it grows. But it can be sustained. The embers can continue to burn Long, long after the flames have gone down where that passion hot hot goes, but there's still passion, you can still maintain that. But you can have a steady Ember, where it's steady, consistent love and once that love is the ingredient you find kindness, compassion, respect, all those things can come and feature and we pray to Allah that He blesses your union. We pray to Allah He puts light in your heart so that whatever darkness has been filled, you know by the negativity that toxicity you know, the hurt that has been caused by betrayal of trust, and May Allah
guide you all to use this opportunity if you happen to be in a place where you're not happy with what you have made this month of Ramadan be a turning point may both of you commit to starting fresh, you know, turn a new leaf and built a beautiful relationship and let history talk about the beautiful story of you and may you live happily ever after until death. Do your part and
akmola high rep for your time. Thank you so much. We really had a lot of fun and looking forward to the questions and I noticed somebody kept asking how to get in touch how do we ask by email is Marian [email protected] And then you can also send me dm site on Facebook currently more on Instagram Merriam Lim official, or follow me on my YouTube channel where you can also drop any questions or comments inshallah, below hiren Assalamu alaikum. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah.
Wa barakato. Thank you so much for this educative and informative session. And thank you, to everyone who tuned in. And for the last one, we have a lot of questions. So we're going to, we're going to try and pick as many as possible. And then afterwards, we'll also check the people that raise their hands up. So maybe we'll switch between the questions written and sent to us with the people that raise their hands. So the first question is, somebody said,
when I started saying my rights and things like this, my husband starts saying, I'm being ungrateful, and otherwise don't do things like that. And I feel that I feel I don't want to do so even my parents will say the same. So how do I do with that kind of situation, when they feel like I'm being ungrateful for saying, I need my rights.
That's something that I know will be he'll have to reconcile that with a life he does not get his act together quickly. But you might want to try various means maybe find someone he respects some, if it's reached that age where you know, if he doesn't, he's going to have to answer to Allah for it, and you want to protect him, because part of your responsibility and you see your spouse going astray, is to do your best to bring them back on to the Serato was the game. So if there's somebody there respect, then you may want to, you know, ask them to please speak to your spouse, because you're worried for them. If there are verses that you can refer to, because at the end of the day,
it's to allow me return. If they are somebody who are who's ready to read, then you do that, if there are videos where you can get, you know, simple summaries about these kinds of things, especially on YouTube. I know people like mostly men talk about this all the time, and that many of us comments, try and see if you can exhaust all options, to give him a chance to realize, you know, it's not about me being demanding. But it's about you answering to Allah if you don't. So I think that's it.
Absolutely. It's important that we recognize that ultimately, we're going to be accountable to Allah. And just because parents don't know what they ought to know, does not excuse that behavior. Yeah. There's a simple book, ideal Muslim husband, ideal Muslim life, I think when you contact Maria, and what we would like to do is send you a copy of the to read both your rights and responsibilities, his rights and responsibilities and just trying to, you know, strategic place in the books that and I'm sure out of curiosity, He'll open them on his own and start looking into it. Yeah. When I said she's my sutra sutra, the key thing is, I don't want my interview on the left side
of Allah, neither does Marian want me to be under the sun.
Because and I will do my best to show her the right way. And so would she, and come the accountability, Allah will say you did your best, and you did your best, I suppose you can do but there is the little books, he may not be interested in watching your channel and so on, but we can get those books inshallah. And then you can just read them, and then let people read the same book. It's very small, it's concise, but it takes a while. And you'll get some very useful information for this video to
My next question.
There is a video that went viral about you and your husband.
do we share
Yeah, that actually was when we first got married. Because when I got married, he was living in the state. So I joined him literally the day after the wedding. And yeah, we went back together. And we of course, you don't have any house help. And since he was enlightening me on my rights and obligations and things I don't owe him. He led by example. So he was involved in making sure
No, he vacuums the house and put the dishes in the thank goodness we had dishwasher. So he put the dishes in the dishwasher, but we clean together. I know the cooking was one though, because I got a job that kept me quite away for a long time. At the beginning. She didn't have a job. Yeah. But I was a good cook. And I knew how to manage my time. Well, in addition to having a full time job. Yeah. And I didn't ask you to cook because what I would do is I'll prepare a meal for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I'll pre prepare a meal for Thursday and Friday.
Sunday, Marion did me the honor of doing suya when we were in the state either chicken or beef. And that was when I'll tell Marian to make the intention of being Celica. And what I'll do is I'll cook the rest you are making a goosey ocra or cuca. And that would take me three days breakfast I ate at work. Lunch I ate at work. So the meals we shared were basically dinner every day. So come Friday, I take Miriam out to see a movie and then we go to a restaurant Saturday, what did we do?
We did barbecue, we did barbecue. And then Sunday, we think it was three. And then we used to have a Gary.
Gary was three on Sunday. Yeah. But what I was good at was I would like boil my chicken, prepare the rescue and prepare whatever I want to I am and I will discuss what we're having to swallow. And I do this too. And we have that in by by Wednesday,
I'll do another stew but my chickens already boil. So I just been out of the fridge, it's already boiled. And I just make this too. It doesn't take me up to an hour to do this too. And then this time, I either do something different from you the offer the co2, Canada, and then we would make swallow or ISIS forgetting or potatoes and so on and so forth. So I did most of the cooking, but I was able to plan my time well, and the vacuuming was easy. It was vacuuming the laundry, which I did where I had a dish washing machine that did laundry machine. And we had a dryer on the dishwashing, I just load it in the dishwasher that did that. So yeah, maybe the convenience made it easy for me.
But I really did time my activities very well also last minute, and then it wasn't like I didn't do anything at all. I was also involved.
Okay, and then like this lockdown is the first time we felt like that time. Yeah, because if asked to help, we don't want them coming to the house like nobody come here. It's just the two of us are boys on university. And so that's how it felt again, you know, just the two of us alone. And we just take turns doing things. Normally, if I want to cook, he helped me peel the potatoes while I do the grilling of the meat or whatever else. And then he washes the plates afterwards or we take turns one or the other. So yeah.
The next question is going to be from a sister, sister who Allah Mohammed. So I'm going to unmute her because she put her hand up for her to ask a question.
Hello. Hello, Salaam Alaikum.
Yes, thank you so much for honoring our invitation. And to be honest, you're blessed. You're a very blessed family. My question is, can you can we have a tip on bringing up children in this contemporary world that we are
till tomorrow if we do that maybe you can speak to your colleagues and let's organize a separate on parent. Yeah, because that one's a monster. It's It's big. It's big. It's got so many tentacles. It'll take so long. I think others won't be able to ask but it won't be a chip. It's a long lead. Yeah, it's something worthy of doing because it's so important now more than ever. Yeah, parenting begins even before you have kids. Yeah. Parenting begins before the children come into the world. Yeah. So that's just a little tip of the iceberg, but I'd like the organizers to consider
having that particular topic discussed. Okay, perfect. So we'll plan that with sister Miriam as well, because we haven't we have another session. So maybe we can replace the other topic with this topic, because I think this topic might be much more useful in this day and age, inshallah.
And the next question is from galaxy fold.
I've unmuted galaxy fold Assalamu alaikum I have a quick question around one of the responsibilities of the wife were you mentioned
halaal relationship. And I think that was something you give us around intimacy, and from my understanding, that should fall on both husband and wife to ensure that they
both it applies to both husband and wife. Oh, yeah. So how exactly is it the responsibility of the wife to ensure halaal relationship with her husband with her husband? Well, first and foremost, to avoid what is haram in intimacy. So isn't that both their responsibility? Because I know that a lot of fetishes are usually come from the men. I don't know if I'm being stereotypical here. But I feel it's too much to place that responsibility onto the woman. Isn't it proposed? on both of them?
Maybe I don't know, when you logged in parts of the responsibility of the men. One of the first ones were it which one was that? Where is it?
Here we go. The rights of the man is a halaal relationship with his wife. And
exactly. the duties of the woman is Hello relationship with her husband. Okay, so what you're seeing is the part where it was not said as the rights of a woman. I think that's what I'm understanding from you that it doesn't say the right of a woman is to have a halau relationship. That has been a long relationship. Am I right?
So the moment I heard under responsibilities of married women and
responsibilities of men, is to that's why I have this question, because I would have thought it on the book of them to ensure that they have a halal relationship. That's my confusion. It is I Sorry, sorry, we didn't clarify that. Yeah. But it's a duty and a responsibility for both husband and wife. Yeah.
Your secret for a long, successful and happy marriage?
Hello, do you repeat the question? Sorry. Yeah, the question was the secret to having a long successful as
your voice faded at the end? Yes, it's faded out. But I think what she's asking is, what is the secret of a longer successful marriage? Is that correct? That's the question. And if you have any tips
you can share with us? Um, yes. The, I think first is the mindset to have a long, long successful. First, you have to have the right mindset that I'm in this for life, you know, and how do you view it your mindset determines how you view your marriage. And I have this separate talk that I give on marriage mindset, where for some people, their mindset is their marriage is like a war zone, where it's like, you know, bring out all your weapons, the waste of Eden I had at the very beginning, where you bring out your big guns, you use your greatest weapons, for maximum pain, then you have some who's married mindset is that their marriage is like politics, they play games, there's
manipulation, you know, and trying to get certain family members to take sides things you do generally, in politics, it gets dirty. And then you have some marriages that are like hotels where your spouse can go as they please, there's no loyalty, no fidelity, and so on and so forth. But that's another talk in itself. But it comes back down to the mindset because the final one is the mindset where your marriage is like a garden, and you normally put a nice fence around your garden or your farm and garden jealously, then you now nurture the crops, you nurture the plants, you add nutrients, you keep depositing into the emotional bank account with various deeds and acts, and then
you remove weeds starting with yourself, bad habits, things that may affect the relationship in a negative way. Like it said before he decided to get married, he needed to deal with his own demons and make sure he's not going to bring them into the marriage into the relationship so it doesn't come and haunt him and draw the you know, affect the relationship. So
having a mindset that I'm in this for life and that my marriage is like a garden. I'm going to add nutrients, sunlight, and all the things necessary to see a garden flourish and bloom is very limited.
And like I said, this thing of guarding jealousy is another thing. So how you view it? When I decided I'm in this for life, and I stopped threatening to get divorced or go back home, and I would stop talking badly or disrespectfully to him, I would realize I had problems and I needed to know what they were and he's the beholder. He knows what my weaknesses are. He knows what I'm doing wrong. He's on the receiving end of my badness, so to speak, so I needed to get feedback from him. So that's also important. If you want a long relationship, ask your spouse questions like, what can I do to be better? How can I make you happier? What am I doing that you don't like? That I should
stop? And what am I doing that you like you want me to continue? And what else? Yes, ma'am. mention one key thing, which is the mindset. mindsets are built based on knowledge, experiences.
What I've come marimon I have come to realize in these days, marriage is about superficiality. It's about impressing people what we were the reception, what kind of musicians we have, what kind of gifts we provide pictures we post and so on and so forth. What what personalities came to the nikka reception? And how did we dance? How was I should be, you know, how expensive were the clothes, people forgetting the substance? Yeah.
And we've digressed, we've deviated seriously, from what the institution of marriage is supposed to be.
Our reception lasted between 45 to an hour for five minutes to one hour. We didn't keep anybody waiting. We didn't have any power, per se. We didn't get to be in any ovation or any magazine to show people just how glamorous we are. That's not marriage. Yeah. And if that is the focus, if that is the emphasis, then both bride and groom have missed their way.
Those are not the basis that a solid marriage is built on. It's all about impressing people. It's not having the, you know, the high society people attend. I would rather you pray for me to even come to the reception. Because obviously, like I said, 45 minutes, one hour, we're done. We're Gone. We went home, there was no dancing. There was no, it's not even our culture. That's the problem. Were the important a lot of things that have really corrupted the institutional marriage of what it means. And we need to go back. And she said, mindset, all of us from the parents unfortunate.
To those who are seeking brides and grooms everybody's attitude has to change. It's not about impressing anybody, we didn't care to impress anybody.
And that mindset, I decided when I was 1718 have the kind of husband I wanted to be I started learning about that. If parents would dedicate time to teach their sons and daughters, and if sons and daughters are the yet to be made will take the time to learn about what it takes to be a good husband and a good wife. That is the mindset that we need
to attack, this deadly thing that's happening, this terrible thing is happening, which is the rate of divorces here. People get married on a six month and the who's who all attended. And in six months. They're divorced. So what are we doing wrong? Clearly, we're not getting it right. We're gonna be 2829 years, this September insha. Allah every day, Miriam and I are looking for ways to bring a smile on each other's faces every day, we're looking at the moment one wakes up with a slight frown. The other person is concerned, what's wrong, what's happening. That's how we're doing it. We care. And I want mine to be the best version of yourself. And I know she wants me to be the
best version of myself. So of myself so when you know your spouse, kids and really wants you to be the best person that you can possibly be.
And it's reciprocal. Why won't you have a long lasting marriage with good health and long life inshallah? Yeah, and also this thing to do with ego. I think when you get married naturally, these are two people with different personalities. And there's always a shock, what you thought because we wear masks during courtship, and what you find out sometimes may not be what you expect. But when you will, like he says, we push to bring out the best versions of ourselves, but best versions of each other. I know I can correct him when I see him doing something that I think is not flattering or it doesn't suit his brand who he is. And he doesn't take it personal. He doesn't get offended.
He's not my
You know, who are you to correct me. But the same thing with me I have to accept correction with grace and dignity. And then if you want to have a long marriage, it goes back to the premarital stage. A lot of people
are getting married due to pressure, due to the fact that they think it's time due to the fact that they want to get married to somebody who's wealthy. In other words, they're getting married for the wrong reasons. They want to have kids or they don't want to be alone. They don't they want they don't want to commit Zina, which is a good reason. But the point is, you marry the right person, because you could be rushing into something which will be a nightmare for you. So you need to make sure you do it for the right reasons. But yeah, insha Allah, I think there are many things that mindset is critical part of mindset, I also have my video on code of conduct for marriage, look for
it on any of my platforms, because that is something we have, like number one is a love for spirituality. Number two is that I know I can trust you to be loyal to me, and you can trust me to be loyal to you this identity. And this trust and truthfulness that I know what you say is the truth. You will manipulate you won't lie, you won't be you know,
holding back certain things like we're transparent. We're an open book. And communication. Communication is also important. And I gave a talk yesterday on communication, effective communication, because it's also important, I messed up on communication big time. Like I've said several times, I started with what's on my mind, I have to say whatever rubbish I have to say, Where is he at? What's wrong with you? He says nothing like, but your face tells me there is something and I'm the only one here in the house with you. So see, he's like, No, I don't want to see anything I'll regret. Like See it? See it? No, don't worry, you will regret it. And I regretted it. But you
know, it's like I had to learn and evolve in the method, the timing, so communication is also a big one. And then that respect and love I mean, there are so many but it's it's in the code of conduct like I share when it comes to tips for having a successful long marriage. Insha Allah make it possible.
We only have we're gonna only do four more questions, because
somebody asked them what's the advice for men that think it's okay to be woman? Because in the Quran, it says you can hit them. And once also, how do you face the issue, especially as a northerner how they portray women in the eyes of men, like how men portray portray human woman basically. Like that. So it's two questions in one
beating a woman because men think it's okay. The Quran says it's okay. And the second one is, how do you face as a northerner as a northern woman? How do you face how you're portrayed as a woman in the eyes of men?
With regard to beating
there's a misinterpretation Yeah.
For a knowledgeable, pious man,
who is trying to live the life as stipulated in the Quran, and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, when a woman is offensive to the husband, and he's tried several times to correct her, and she refuses. The advice is, first of all, when she does serve you servants have cooked and she brings you the meal. as a sign of protesting her behavior, you may refuse to eat it. Number two, is when it comes time for intimacy. You can refuse to be intimate if she continues with that.
can take like the broom, tweak, like like my two sticks of the broom. And the symbolic beating is at the back of her car at her house, to symbolize your anger and you whip with that it's not to cause any bodily injury or harm, no marks on the body. It's a symbolic act of displeasure with the wife. You most definitely not allowed to touch her body or her face. That beating is symbolic that leaves no mark. So we have to be careful
not to misinterpret that and raise our hands to our wives. That is totally unacceptable. Islam.
Many that tend to do this go into tradition and culture.
tend to deliberately I'm sorry to say this misinterpret that beaten aspect and escalated to a level that's not allowed in Islam.
That's my answer to that. And anybody who chooses to challenge that can go on the Quran and the Sunnah and see where it's stipulated in. Islam definitely does not. No, no. And then the issue I think the second question was with regard to how long
a tray betrayed women, women. Yeah. Now I need some more explanation. What does she mean by how northern men portray women? Because the way I portray my wife, I'm a northerner.
Everybody says you're different. Yeah. But the thing is, no man would actually want to portray their wives negatively in my presence, because I will take them up on it. Yeah.
Here's one thing that I tell them.
I went out seeking a wife
went to her parents, I must have done my investigation done my inquiry, and everybody told me she's a good character. I asked about her piety. Everybody said, Yes, she is a pious woman. And she is reasonably educated. And I go, I asked, and I express my love and affection for her. Her family agrees and they let me marry her.
We have an issue.
Rather than deal with the issue in house, or go to someone who's learned and who will keep our matters confidential. I start denigrating and disrespecting my wife, to my friends or colleagues or family members. Here's a question.
Between my wife and I, everything I call my wife that is bad. Who really is the bad person, she that is bad, or I that went and my someone that is bad. Many men don't understand. When you insult a wife, it's not the wife, you're really insulted.
You're insulting yourself. Nobody forced you to marry the woman.
You saw her and you said everything about her was good.
Now you have a choice. If she isn't living up to your standard as a husband, your responsibility is to give her the knowledge and raise up to your status. That is an obligation on the man.
And it is stated in the Quran, you are not supposed to go out and discuss your wife or her shortcomings with your friends, denigrating and disrespecting her. So there's a problem there between the man even in a lot. First, you didn't fulfill your responsibility as a husband to raise whatever shortcomings she has right now that she's your wife that responsibility brother, I'm sorry, is 100% yours. You got insulted her. You're actually not insulting her. You picked her. So you're insulting yourself, but you're doing her harm. And for that, Allah will ask you.
So let's be careful about that. Let's be very, very careful about that. When we were having issues with Mary and no matter how bad it got, I would never pick up the phone. I never picked up the phone
and called anybody and said, this is the problem. Merryman, I have it once when she said, I think the third time that I should divorce her. And I said, Okay, I'm tired. I picked up the phone, and I called her mom. So it helped me I said,
I want to challenge you. So what is it My name is demanding
that I give her a divorce, just give me five minutes. And the next phone call I get was from her father. She
uh, he spoke to me for five minutes and said, Give me the phone. I don't know what he said to me.
And as it does, no, that is not gonna repeat. Then one time, I had a problem with my cell phone and call my mom. Oh, I love that.
He was so good. My mom told my mom to give me the phone.
And what she said to me was like, Oh my goodness. So the two times
we escalated the issue.
me calling her family, her calling my family. Our family supported the other person. Yeah.
So they never took sides or family take sides with her. My family didn't take sides with me. That was the first
The last time that ever happened.
I just want to sorry to cut you short, quickly, because the question with regard to the northern thing again, to me, it goes back to parenting, because like, my boys are growing up seeing their father on a knee on a woman. And he's so integral power he's so into, you know, seeing women thrive and flourish and to, you know, achieve their greatest calling. So, they respect women, they never believed in denigrating women or, you know, using vulgar language to describe women, on the contrary, the defense just as they see their father doing, so it goes back to what do you show them in the home if you raise your voice, to be served at home, because like our boys, they have to make
their beds, they clean up after themselves, you eat you wash your dishes, and all those things. That's a culture you brought you raise your kids to help them are very good cooks and the
boys? Yes. And so yeah, it's amongst the things that goes back to you know, how did you raise them? Did you raise a boy who's going to grow up and look down on a woman? And even a lot over her? Or would he see her as a supporting companion? Who will compliment him? You know, it's all about it goes back to me, it goes back to
Thank you so much. There's going to be a question from adeola. I'm going to meet the person. Okay. Hello, Angela. Salaam Alaikum.
And so my question is, am well, I'll just give an example of myself. So I am in my late 20s. And I'm single, but you know, from the examples you have given, have certain things you didn't kind of work on before going into marriage? What advice can you give to females and males, to work on themselves before getting into marriage, because you don't want to be a certain age before getting into it without working on certain triggers that may affect your marriage. later on. This looks like another topic for
a long one. We have a premarital talk, and I've given a few these days. But again, if they want to organize, it will never finish by start going through that right now. It's a very,
very important question. And the point you made about fixing yourself at the key before going into a nice bow, you don't bring your baggage into the marriage, critically thinking about your own experiences, when I said, We are some of our experiences, and to be careful to make sure your cupboard is cleared of all these skeletons. So you don't become a problem to your spouse, because you have not been able to deal with unresolved issues, whether you are male, or female. It's important. And that's a really long, I'm just summarizing
this question that is very, very critical. Whether you are 18, or you are 29. It applies. And this is so so important. Because sometimes we don't even realize what the problems are, until we get married because we never took time to look into our souls into ourselves to see Am I good enough? My biggest question and I'll make this as short as possible is when I was introduced to Miriam was to ask myself, am I good enough to be the best husband I can be? And honestly speaking, at the time, we were introduced, I wasn't,
I wasn't. So I went on a on a kind of a search, a journey into the self soul searching, asking questions, and a lot of the things I had to confront, were not pleasant. And it would have been terrible. Had I not done that a marine came in as my wife. I know, it would have been much worse than the stories you've heard. And this is after three years of journey of self discovery. So I don't know. It's it's a very, very important question, the ability to reflect and critically think and look at your own upbringing and look at your own experiences. Yeah, what you have not dealt with what you have not resolved that's bothering you. And sometimes it's the closest people to us, like
get to get the brunt of our anger and frustration or issues with not being able to resolve so you raise a very critical question I wonder really needs to organize because like I often say you're looking for Mr. Right, but Mr. Wright is looking for Miss right, not miss wrong, so you better be right. So that's something I think, definitely that needs you to
Something inshallah and I promise you if we can organize it will make us will make the time
somebody called baba baba monster Williams would like to ask a question. So unmute him now so you can ask
Okay, real quick, I just wanted to ask what your views are on marrying someone who is not a Muslim?
Okay. Well definitely in Islam, as a man, you are allowed to marry someone, you're permitted to marry someone who's not Muslim. Often you, it is encouraged that you would hopefully find somebody within your faith because the challenge you face is let's say you as a man now marry a woman who's not a Muslim, what's most likely going to happen is that the woman has a lot more influence and time over the children. So if you want your kids would grow up as a Muslim, then you better be a hands on father who's like, very, very involved, exactly to invite these that Islamic values and morals in the child. So that's one of the biggest challenges today because most likely, if she's not a Muslim,
she's a churchgoer. And the kids would want to follow them. wherever they go. They're very close. So those are the things where you know, is the faith issue a big deal for you, a woman marrying Muslim woman marrying a non Muslim man is forbidden. One of the main reasons is because of the Sharia, and the Sharia. She's, she's protected. So for step number one, if you say there's a divorce, in the case of a divorce, Sharia protects the mother protects the woman in the chain. So the children go to her. Yeah. However, if he's not a Muslim, Sharia does not come for him. So you can't take your husband who's not a Muslim, to a Sharia court and see, you know, your situation in a divorce
situation that the kids are meant to come to you. It doesn't apply, and maybe he's paid, so that doesn't count, and then inheritances. Another one under inheritance, the woman also has what she's going to inherit her own portion. But if your husband dies, and he's a Christian, it's whatever the law is, for that faith that your husband was in, which does not protect you under Sharia, there are several other things. And again, same thing with kids, if you're a Christian woman, if you're a Muslim woman who married a Christian man, your husband can say, My kids are going to church. And you have no say, because he's the man of the house. And he has that final say, so is that something
you're okay with. So it's really something that I believe, if one with so much conviction, and there are some marriages, right, I've seen a Muslim man marry a Christian woman, and they had a contract that solidly say she can practice her religion. And the children have to be Muslims. And it worked. Yeah. And there was no issue. But the man has to be very strong, and the woman has to be very understanding and abide by the contract of that marriage. And the other fear that people have is sometimes a death occurs, the woman moves away. Those who are Muslims, later become Christians, the father loses the opportunity of his surviving children, to pray for him when he's gone. So the
implications are huge. It's not just about
even agree, we don't know how long everybody's going to live. And there's that fear that you run the risk of an agreement in place, a death occurs, and everything changes, you're not there to fight it. And in many cases, your relatives cannot even assist you in that case.
And there's another question. I think we have two more questions left. There's a question regarding allowing someone in the house
and who the husband doesn't like, does this also apply to to the man
when it comes to leaving the house? Does this also apply to demand when it comes to leaving the house? Yes. Regarding allowing someone in you don't like and the husband also leaving the house? Does that apply to the same for men?
No, it's not a written rule. But courtesy demands. If I'm going out, I tell him, I'm going out. And if there is somebody who is not a positive influence in my life, somebody who marine does not like, for good reason. Marine can
come to me and say, honestly, I'm not comfortable with such such, and such a person being in the house. And these are my reasons. And if I respect my wife, and my wife is a pious person and knowledgeable and intelligent, it'll be in my interest, excuse me to listen to her objection. So there is a rule that says, the man being the head of the household, whether he's in the house or away from the house, if he doesn't want a particular person into the house, the wife is obligated to respect that, yes. But and when he's going up, Maryam on where to such and such a place, you know, I hope to be back soon, so and so on, and so forth. All that really builds respect. In fact, these are
like unwritten rules. I don't go anywhere, if man is in the house, without me telling me what's the objective. And even if I'm leaving until very much leaving, the one thing he doesn't want is if there is some tension, and I'm leaving the house, a bit of sadness around where she's like, you're leaving like this, whatever is bothering you met resolving before you leave the house, because this may be the last time we see each other. And if you think in that way, you understand that you don't have control of your life, Allah does. every waking moment that you are with your loved one, if we're parting this part in peace and in love,
not in anger. So there is no reason for me to walk out of the house without telling Marian. I'm going somewhere.
So I just want us it's not about equal rights. In that sense. It's just about when you, you when you follow the rules of responsibility in the marriage, these things are there become academic? Yeah, you don't have to actually debate them. It's just there. And once you observe them, there's love, there's respect, there's compassion. I'll never leave without telling my wife, I'm going somewhere. And she just said, I want to go somewhere that Okay, sure. We'll be back in a little bit. Just keep in touch if everything's okay. And if there's trust and respect, you know,
what I didn't say is, we have phones. None of us have
a password, no secrets, no secrets, she can take my phone anytime. As a matter of fact, I know how pin. She knows mine. I have complications. Sometimes with my bank account, I take her card and I travel with it. The one thing I never do, and I'll never do is to check the balance. I'll take what I need. I don't need to know the balance in her account. barium takes my card My name has never checked, mine can see my balance anytime she wants. Maya has never looked into the balance in my account. And yes, honestly, her money is her money. My money is our money. Some men are men, because you will demand so much money.
object to this thing that I'm saying, but it's a simple rule. It's peace of mind.
No need to hide anything.
Anyway, I'll stop.
Okay, the last question. The last question is you mentioned you went through a lot. What made you not give up? And what is your take on a marriage contract in Islam?
Um, well, the first one, it's not really my take. It's actually there. It's permissible. You can have a written agreement and it's on it in the Sharia court, you can present it and it will be respected. You can go into a written agreement with your spouse on certain things, including polygamy. That's actually one of those clauses that a woman is allowed to come to an agreement with her spouse before the marriage that he's not going to. He has agreed that he has agreed he's not going to be a polygamous husband. In some countries, it is required at the wedding. The husband to state if he in future will go into polygamy or not in certain countries.
they've accepted that.
In our case, we had a conversation. The marriage contract is oftentimes said aloud at the nikka. It's a standard
contract so to speak.
Then of course as Muslims, it's also there in the Quran. And as Muslims, we follow those guidelines that are in the grip, like Maria may say, in certain circumstances, certain societies that Allah has allowed an actual contract to be drawn up. We don't do it in Nigeria, because we don't find it necessary. Some people do.
Yeah, but it's
It's not a common practice in Nigeria, it's permissible, it is permissible. If both of you feel you need to have that we go ahead and do it in the right test.
That's the first question. The second the second question, how did you persevere? Did you? Okay, what made this continue?
Yeah, I think it was when we had just reached absolute rock bottom that like this thing out was just looked like the only option. I know, I just felt I know, he said something that he didn't look forward to coming home to me.
And I was a, I was a monster, I was a nasty piece of work. And I just felt so bad. And I was thinking like, but that's not who I am. You know, I misunderstood. But I actually lost myself, I allowed the negative energy and the toxicity to make me ugly. So I turned away from whom I call my, my personality was, and it changed me or I changed, then I felt you know what, maybe there is something that I'm doing wrong, since he's not looking forward to coming home to me. And I'm like, but I'm a nice person. That's not me. And so I asked him, that was actually when I sat him down. And I said, Tell me, what is it about me you don't like that you want me to do differently? And then
what is it about me You like that? You want me to continue? And then what is it about me that I'm not doing that you want me to do? So in other words, his wants his fantasies? What is it I'm not doing that he would like to see. And that was a huge turning point. Because after he had told me, I quietly tried my tone to take down notes and not respond and defend myself. What was great was he asked me to do the same for him. And that was it. Because it was hard. It was raw, it was unpleasant. It was painful. It was the truth. It was the truth. And that was it. And our ability to for once just accept the truth without defense without stonewalling without finger pointing without,
you know, anything that would be negative, was really a great thing. Then he now I asked him, that he should please just signal me whenever I'm doing this, because many things have become a habit. So sometimes we go out. And one of the things with me is I have a big mouth, I talk too much. And we go in public. And we always fought in Macau on the way home, that was always a big one. So I was like, Okay, if you see I'm talking to majestic normally. So we came up with our code. And so I couldn't raise my body so you can see better. So sometimes he would do like, you know, sometimes like this, and that's across the room. And he just squint a little bit. And that was a sign another sign is
he'd keep his hand, his hand by the side of his leg. And he just do like this meaning slow down, pull your brakes, you know, press on the brakes a bit. So those two things helped. And then other times when I'm doing something, it's like, Man, you're doing that thing right now. And he did it in a subtle way not doing it. That is exactly what I'm talking about. You know, because he did it in a subtle way. I could digest it. And I was like, Oh my god, and it gives me the chance not to let my ego be bruised. And I was like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And it actually was deliberate. I was ruthless with myself. Anything he told me I consciously kept thinking about it so that I
wouldn't do it. So that ability to first fight my own voice, my own weaknesses, and so on, was important, getting feedback help because he's the beholder. And it's about what he sees that matters, not what I want to do, what my perception is, it's about him that he gets what I'm trying to do. So I just changed that. And another thing, of course, was this thing to do with mindset. And then coming up with the rules, the code, our code of conduct, the currency with which we would relate with, like, no matter what, you'll never be disrespectful to me, and no matter what, I'll always be your spirit, I'll always deposit in your emotional bank account. I'll always do everything
in my power to bring your fantasies to life. So let's communicate Tell me what you like what you want, and what you don't like so that you know we can try and evolve which is what happened to Linda.
But it took him the willingness to also because like he has to reciprocate because he has a hot temper. And I call him silent killer under the radar because he comes across as you know this very sweet and charming. Like that
is a ticking time bomb but it took a while and he's still struggling with that. And he still says Marian, please help me pray about this issue. I'm still working but if I'm to look back 20 years ago, it's so different from what it is today by look back 10 years. It's so different even last year was not
As good as it is this year, so that ability for us to just keep consciously improving us, we're constantly evolving. And we know we can keep improving, and we encourage each other to keep improving. So what's happened over the years is we more forgiving each other's mistakes. And we're also kind to ourselves not being so hard when we mess up because we're not perfect, and it will slip once in a while. But
it was her idea.
It was a wonderful idea, I subscribe to it, it's not an easy thing to succumb to, to allow someone to dissect you. What we both asked of each other is to be kind in our criticism. But to be honest, in our desire to see each other improve, and we work very hard. So it's not just applied to Marian, it also applied to me, and whatever Marian did, looking good, smelling good. You know,
as much as she wants me to enjoy a meal, it's also my desire to make sure whatever I can do to please her, I do. So it's something that we do for each other. And in a marriage understand this, it's a partnership, it's not a competition, you're there to complement each other, not to complete one another. That job is for us individually to work from the inside and be the best versions of what we can as a as a partnership. We encourage you to inspire we motivate, we support each other as much as possible. And to never ever forget the big picture that you are in this insha Allah for life. And this is a partner that you love being with you love sharing your life, you love being in
the company off and you work towards that you look for someone that you know, you would enjoy being with them forever inshallah to Allah. Yeah. And I noticed some comments were coming through especially this premarital stuff and even some wondering how can we get more details of this, actually, although I'm yet to finalize it, but it's in the works right now. There's a masterclass coming, inshallah on marriage, where you have a chance to go through the various step by step exercises where you and your spouse will do together. But there are also opportunities for you to book live sessions where you and your spouse can talk about issues because we're already doing it,
but we just want to streamline it the same with premarital, because we don't have formal premarital counseling sessions in Islam, generally, some countries have Alhamdulillah. But like here in Nigeria, definitely we're yet to get there. My husband and I are going to be doing a step by step premarital counseling until you reach the very end, so that at least there's some kind of my, literally even the one on one the couple to be we're going to talk to them, discuss with them and see and I promise you, I'm the kind of person who I feel if you're not good for this person, I'm going to tell them and say, You know, I think you should delay getting married now. Um, spend more
time or find somebody else like literally will do straight talk and be very honest, if we think this person is not yet ready. And then of course, we will inshallah also work on one for parenting, as well. So and then personal growth, there are four different courses coming up, inshallah. And then the one for marriage. The best part is there's a section for intimacy, which you will be able to unlock and try and spice up the marriage and have certain original unique things that you can bring in to make it more fun and create increased variety.
Okay, we are almost at an end, but someone
and the marriage contracts, is it okay islamically for a woman to request a marriage contract that includes not having a cool way. Lots of men think it means there is no trust.
Well, that's the what we mentioned that you can choose to say you are not going to you agree with your partner that they're not going to go into polygamy, and you can go into a contract like that. So definitely I know, one of the biggest challenges that come with that is let's say it's a young couple, they get married. Maybe the lady's not able to bear kids and he wants blood. He wants his own child. And that sometimes is one of the reasons why some people go into polygamy, not because I don't love you, but because there's something that we didn't know before we got married, that would happen. So you find there is sometimes a place where you may have to be a bit more flexible.
I know someone who got married, she's not been able to make it. She's the one who's suggesting to the husband to marry now, because she knows, you know, he really wants to have his own children. And he is shown no interest in adopting. So that was something that I know could be a reality that may be different from what expectations are. And so I just thought I should mention that, but you can get it into a contract, yes. But to be careful not to reject
this, it's your decision when you're mindful of the implications. And nowadays, we have more women than men.
Some people are okay with it. I have a very good friend, we were in secondary school. And she said, Oh, no, we I want to be the second wife. And I was looking at her in shock. Like, you know, before you've even gotten graduated, you have mentally said, I want to be a co wife. And it's just what certain people are okay with. But the reality is that the ratio of men to women, it's ridiculous, there are more women to men. So that those for those who have the means the ability and the knowledge to embark in polygamy, we encourage it because we don't want social issues and social crisis in society. Because men women to not have husbands is really not ideal in any society.
So that's another one thing to be mindful of when we're discussing this issue. Yeah.
Okay, thank you very much. Just sorry to add on to the last question. One of the brothers sent a message saying, if the husband breaks the polygamy contract, is that is that enough? for a divorce? Yes, it is. Once it's a contract, she can take it to a Sharia court. And that will be it says he agreed to it. He entered into that agreement. Absolutely. If you violate any contract, physically, and if the
result or the condition of violating the contract is terminating that contract, it will most definitely, sadly, lead to the end of the marriage if she cannot take if she is not willing to maybe overlook the violation.
contract. Okay. Sorry. Just last question. So, the person asked since actually ages before, but we forgot to ask the question. She said, if, if a wife says no to her husband, when it comes to intimacy, does that classify as rape? Or was the?
And to understand them as like, what's the ruling on that?
Well, I, I honestly don't know if in Islam, it would be categorized as rape. But I'm like, why would you do that? Obviously, if you look at it from so many different angles, the man has needs, and you would rather he has intimacy with you then go out, you don't want to push him to go out and do something bad. number one. Number two, you also have your feelings. And there are reasons where you may be so disgusted with your spouse that you don't want him to touch you because of certain bad behavior. Maybe he's been physically abusive to you, or verbally, emotionally or he's cheated on you. And you are just like, you know, don't come near me. I mean, we're human. These are emotions
that are natural. But I would say
the man needs to be considerate when a woman is saying no, she does not want it. But you also have the risk because for a woman to turn her husband down. I know that is very an Islamic as well. Yeah, maybe you can shed light.
If there are no reasons
to justify her rejecting him if she's if she's just doing it out of spite.
That's considered a sin. But among the duties of men towards women,
is love, kindness, and respect.
When a man has an urge, and he approaches his wife,
and either she's sick, or is disturbed because of some family issues, somebody is not well, she's on the right mindset out of love, kindness and respect.
He would let her be
when it comes to there's a misunderstanding. He has urges and she's refused for a week or so on. My father in law, she I've never counseled a couple.
And he didn't ask me to escort him to go to the hospital to go visit a lady that had a child
And on the way he said, Madden said, Can you imagine a man who's not being tied to his wife all day long, right? From the moment they woke up. He's not being nice. He's not being appreciated. He's not being supportive of her. And she has been busy taking care of the household. And listen, listen, that typical, you know, situation. And then nighttime comes, and then he goes to work. For instance, he said, Can you imagine, that has been been upset when the woman rejects him where he didn't do what he needed to do.
And it is also stated out of the kindness aspect is men are required to even engage in foreplay
with our wives before we engage in intimacy.
So there is a lot of lack of knowledge out there where they say, so law said, even if the woman is on a camera, and the husband asked for intimacy, she should come down. That is when all those conditions are right. You've done what you're supposed to do as a husband, she's not sick, she doesn't have a headache with no setup. There's nothing bothering her, and so on and so forth. And that's when Allah wouldn't be pleased with the woman. Isn't there this thing where if a woman is not satisfied with intimacy she can. It's an obligation? Yeah, it's a duty on the man
to satisfy his wife in the department of interest. Many of us are not comfortable discussing anything under Sharia. It is required. It's one of the conditions yet it is an obligation, as I say, it's an obligation of the man to also make sure the woman is satisfied sexually. Yeah. And for you, if it's difficult our conversation, have a discussion, there is no shame of this. This is husband and wife. And that aspect of a marriage is a need that both sides need to have to feel. Yeah. So have a conversation talk about how do we make sure everybody is happy, because the way the man has needs, so do that.
But the issue that you said about the rate, it never should really happen? Yeah, there is no situation where a husband should force a woman, if it's that bad, you can divorce if every attempt you made for her to, you know, let you get intimate, she refuses without justifiable reason. It can lead to the end of the marriage. And that, unfortunately, is how some men also find themselves getting into polygamy, and it's unfortunate, but all sides need to make sure they do the right thing. So that we don't get into this kind of impasse.
Sure, like, what about in a situation where people think it's okay for a woman to refuse the man because he doesn't perform his Salah.
That is a very sensitive issue. Because in the beginning of this discussion, Merriam and I talked about Allah first and everything,
that it's Allah first, then your spiritual spirituality, that's the husband and the wife. Number third is the spouse. Now, if spirituality is not in order, the concern is this as a spouse, if you know, your husband or wife is not meeting their spiritual obligations to the maker, you cannot ignore it.
For Allah will ask you you knew but you continue to stay in that situation. And this is what they're supposed to do yet, but just stop
from being intimate with I don't know she can, she can because she can say the marriage isn't going to continue. Unless you observe if three days, three days with, we talked for three days if you don't pray, you're no longer Muslim.
Three days of non prayer for No, no reason you're not sick. You're not in a dire situation. You're no stress. Three days you don't pray, you stop being a Muslim. So what's the justification of the wife remaining in a marriage to a somebody who's not a Muslim and in in that case, not even a Christian? Because he's basically a Catholic. So the almost I don't offend Allah by being with you by being intimate with you. How am I your wife went under the contract of the marriage. It is a marriage between a Muslim woman and a Muslim man and you're no longer a Muslim.
It's an interesting
look into it even more, because it's, it's very interesting. Yeah, it's it's a tough one. But you you break it down.
You just have to say Yeah.
Thank you so much for answering the question. One of our team members is going to round up this session and thank you everyone for attending. And inshallah we'll all take all your amazing points and put them into action.
Thank you so much. Hello Byron
thank you very much for inviting us and we hope you benefit from all the discussions we've had today wherever we earn Allah May Allah bless your union.
We'd like to thank you very much for this educative and informative session. And thank you to everyone that has tuned in. We have learned so much today. And me personally, I'll be applying it to my own life Jazakallah and Claire, and hopefully we'll be seeing you very soon.
closing prayer Subhana Allah homo become de eyeshadow anila in and a stuffer aka lahoma tubo lake. Thank you so much.