Social System of Islam 37 – Marital Relations 2 Wifes Rights Cont

Jamal Badawi


Channel: Jamal Badawi


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The name of God the benevolent the merciful, peace and blessings upon his servant and messenger Muhammad forever. I mean, I bear witness that there is no god worthy of worship except the one true God. And I bear witness that Muhammad is the messenger and servant of God, I greet you as my usual fashion Assalamu alaikum which means peace beyond to you. Today we have our 37th program and our series dealing with the social system of Islam. We'll be continuing our discussion with our second segment of the topic, marital relationships, and Islam. We'll be looking particularly at non material rights and marriage. I have joining me on the program is usual Dr. Jamal battery of St.

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Mary's University, brother Jamal, how Salaam Alaikum alaikum. cinema? Could I ask you very quickly to summarize the main points that we touched on in our program last week, when we began this discussion of marital relationship, we start, we started off by talking in general about the various consequences of the marriage contract.

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But we focus more on the mutual rights and obligation between husband and wife. And we indicated that this rights and obligations are intern founded are based on the ethical and religious grounds for marriage in Islam. And we explained that the question of servitude to God fulfilling our trusteeship on earth and the description of marriage in Islam as a source of comfort, dwelling, mutual concern, consideration and kindness, and we quoted various verses from the Quran to indicate this. And then we said that when you come to specific rights, it can be divided into financial rights and non financial rights. And in financial rights, we discuss the question of maintenance and

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what it entails that includes every reasonable need for the wife in terms of food, clothing, lodging, medication, everything.

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And we discussed also the special cases what happens when the husband becomes poor and cannot support his wife or when he is too miserly and similar situation like that. So this was basically the just mainly the financial segment of the lights of the wife. When I we indicated in our introduction to the base program that we'll be looking at the non financial REITs in today's program, could you give us some idea of what these include? Well, this perhaps are the more important part of the wife's right, and

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because it is not enough to provide sufficient or good food and clothing and housing for the wife. And just deal with her as if one is dealing mechanically with some, you know, acid AB exactly at home. This is not necessarily the intention behind it. In fact, you could put your wife in a palace and provide her with the most magnificent food and clothing and everything, but she could still be the most miserable person. Why, because of the lack of feeling. Marriage is not just partnership and food and drink and all that it is partnership also in feeling and affection in relationship, talking to heart, sharing with harvest, the

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sorrows and happiness, this is the nature of it.

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in the same vein, we find that the Quran does emphasize this and in fact, if you might recall in the previous program also when we're talking about the ethical foundation of marriage, we refer to the various terms used in the Quran to show this intimacy and closeness and consideration and mutual kindness and compassion that should go or be between husband and wife.

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So the if we went to put it really in a nutshell, we're really talking here about the kind and considerate treatment of the wife.

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The Quran speaks of that. For example, in chapter four in the Quran, it says why she

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dwelt with them, that is the word with your wives, in kindness and equity.

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In the saying of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him will find a great deal of emphasis on this kind of relationship between husband and wife.

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in utter misery, for example, it was narrated that he said that the most perfect believers are those with the best characters or the best in contracts, and the best of you or the best to their wives. So he put goodness to one

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wife has one of the major criteria of determining whether the question really is good or not.

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In another similar,

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you know, saying

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in Bukhari and Muslim, he says, stop serving the SAT higher, and I commend you. I commend you to be kind and considerate to women.

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In another saying he said that it is only the generous in character who is good and considerate to women, and is only the wicked and characters who insults them.

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Not only this, we find that in his own behavior, Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him give the model of how husband should treat his wife, not only in terms of just being kind, but also being centered, come down and share life without too much formalities and barriers. You would be surprised when people hear about a great personality like Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, racing, racing just like tracking field with his wife Ayesha as was narrated in ultimate and abou racing with her. Imagine a personality like that running and trying to beat his wife and she tried to beat him in running. And not only this busy as he may be very particular, as he was on the question of the

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statues, or any three dimensional objects, which might have any human or animal figure.

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When he found that his wife had a shot when she was really young, was playing with what you might call today dollies. He never objected to that. And this is exempted. It's it's not something that is condemned in Islamic law, if it's just for playing, and even when her friends came to play with her, he just sent them and sometimes smile and laugh with them without, you know, trying to take the approach that some people feel that a good husband is one was always a six, he never smiles, you know. But this natural, natural and simple interaction between husband and wife is was a practice of the Prophet. And he recommended that to his followers. Good treatment requires of necessity, also,

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not only being kind, but also to avoid, logically speaking,

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causing hurt or harm to one's wife.

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The Prophet peace be upon him was asked as narrated in Abu Dhabi, and even had been,

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what is the claim or the right of one's wife on him, that's on the husband. And he said, You hit her. Whenever you eat, it's the same. You close her whenever you close yourself or by closing, never to slap her on the face, because that's of course regarded as a sort of instant, never swear at her, and never, never deserved her or depart her except in the house. And that's a reference not particularly to the case of again, obstinate why is that even if she's rebellious, you should not leave the house, you go out, but even if you have to have some kind of punishment at home, but still, you do not do that by leaving the home itself still give her some feeling of security even in

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the case of the disputes.

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We have seen already in previous in the previous program,

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verses from the Quran that, again, emphasize this nature of consideration and mutual compassion in marital relationship. And to me that's far more important. wife will get some attention and less in terms of just even food or clothing or other materialistic things. She's the happiest wife.

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Now, all of what you said sounds very impressive that novel

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to some might even sound a bit idealistic.

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Would these rights that we've been speaking of apply if the relationship between the husband and the wife is not a good one? Okay. Well, of course, if it's I it sounds somewhat idealistic, and we realize, of course, our human shortcomings and meekness but at least a choice or point the way and perhaps one can strive as much as God enables him to, to try to fulfill this. But with respect to the question as to whether this applies even if the relationship is not good, it's not that idealistic.

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relationship. Yes, it still applies for a number of reasons. First of all, as one of the basic ethical teaching of the Quran, is that one should be just an equitable regardless of his or her personal feelings, whether with other Muslims or even with non Muslims. Indeed, in chapter five in the Quran, in verse nine, it says what is the condition and Omen Allah Allah tala, don't let your own feeling of hatred or dislike of

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Others cause you to be unfair and unjust. And many interpreters interpret that's actually to apply to the relationship between Muslims and non Muslims even How about even between husband and wife, the Justice should be there regardless of a personal feeling caused by any particular conflict.

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The other thing also is that a human being or a person should remember

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that he is not himself, the husband is not free from faults and shortcomings. So, why sometimes a person tend to be overly critical, and see his his wife shortcomings in a magnified clear way, but he does not really look into his own shortcomings. So as the person gives allowance for himself that he has also shortcomings, he should not be overly critical of his wife.

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If the person notice something that his wife is doing, that does not cause him to like her, and it's not under casual, that this is the kind of bad habit in her something which is rather persistent. Even then, the prophet peace be upon him, provides a very nice teaching on this as narrated and Muslim. He says, No, believing husband, he means man, actually, he said, Man, but he means husband. Let no believing man hates or dislike, I believe in common IE wife. Then he says, if he likes, and if he hates or dislikes, some aspects of her contact or behavior, he should be able to find something else, which is good, that he should admire. And that's a very nice reference to the fact

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that the question of dream boy and dream girl who's perfect in every respect, does not exist. It's not been born yet, male or female. And as such, what the prophets really is teaching is that one should not be overly idealistic in his expectation of what his wife or what her husband should be, what should weigh the shortcomings with the advantages and try to be fair enough in this kind of assessment. In fact, the Quran itself answers that question in verse 19. In chapter four,

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it says, Why should open up in Morrow, say encouraged to move fast Casa Takahashi, Allah hyraxia, that dwell with your ss, your wife's in fairness and kindness, because it may be that you, if you hit them, you may be hitting something in whom God has placed so much good. In other words, lots of blessings and goodness may come to you through your wife whom you might at one time or the other, dislike. Like some jury said, Maybe she would be a very faithful wife, maybe if you happen to fall sick, she proves to be really very considerate and so on. So one should not really expect the impossible. And they had this also saying of the Prophet which we quoted in a previous program,

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actually more than one program, when he says that a woman is like a curved rib. And then he says, it begins and ends the same Stoessel Vanessa, hi, Ron, be considerate and be kind to women, that women has certain inclination because of their nature, just like men also, like a rep. So you don't try to force that Rep. to straighten it the way you think, because you may break it. But you try to give allowance to the natural emotional inclination of both men and women. But in the case of women, of course, it is quite important. The other thing to remember also is that not all marital lives are all bad romance that one reads in novels or season in movies.

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This is a very simplistic picture. Even if there is a third degree of mutual love and affection, definitely there may be situations where there is something more than romance, which is needed to establish a household and are actually the second Caleb after the Prophet once mentioned that a person came to complain and apparently he was planning to divorce his wife because he feels that she doesn't love him.

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And he said, you know, very few homes really are built on this romantic love is it you know, there are other things also there is a relationship there is the mutual consent, beside the romance Also, I'm not saying that romance is better and needed, but one should be realistic and in his expectation or as he would be, he or she would be pursuing a very illusionary type of objective that can never be reached.

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Even justice is acquired. While we were talking about romance earlier and talking about marriage and so on quite often.

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When these things come to mind, the question of jealousy comes

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What is the slums position on jealousy, your view of jealousy? Well, it depends.

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It depends by the hamlet as to what the term jealousy really is used to refer to, if it is meant by jealousy, that the person has the sense of decency that he does not wish anybody to flirt, you know, with his wife or you know, touch her or you know, this is something which is not only permissible, but it is required, it is regarded as part of good treatment of the wife to protect her and protect oneself also from any

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simple acts of

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or indecency, which or act which may lead, possibly to indecency.

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But this does not necessarily mean over possessiveness, as some people may interpret that, in fact,

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on the first aspect of permissible jealousy, quote, unquote, we find that the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him as narrated in October, Ronnie, and also similar sayings and necessity and that hack him, he said, there are three types of people who would not get into paradise. And he mentioned as one category, he said, at the use. And when he is asked, What is the use, he said, a man who does not care who, you know, sees his family or go to his wife.

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So this is regarded as something very, very bad, you know, not to have that sense of jealousy for one's spouse, and that applies equally to men and women, as well.

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But like I said, it's not a matter of overt possessiveness, or assuming always bad intention, and even motives on the part of the wife, or others for that matter. And that is why, in one saying of the Prophet narrated in an essay and Buddhahood.

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He mentioned, among other things, he said, there are two types of jealousy, one that God likes, and one that God dislikes. The kind of jealousy that God likes, is this sense of decency that you mentioned before that one does not wish anybody to flirt with his wife, which is understandable, or husband, but that matters. But he said, the other jealousy that God does not like, is the one do not either that is without really good reason to do it. That is to just simply have always bad intention. In fact, one of the teachings of the Prophet that he said, One should not, if he's coming back from a travel, all of a sudden bust in his house at night,

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as if he is, you know, trying to catch his wife and just see whether she's behaving herself, that that was not regarded as a good action, and it was recommended, actually, the person might just send kind of information that has arrived. And that will get her a chance also to compare her get ready also to receive her husband. So it depends what is meant by jealousy, a reasonable decency, I think would be regarded, highly regarded in Islam.

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Now, we've talked about the financial rights and about the need for countries and so on, are there other rights

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of a Muslim mic?

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And wait, if you're insistent being so exhaustive, there is one area that I was rather hesitant

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to include,

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especially in the nature of a program like that, but after some thinking, perhaps I did prepare something on it, because after all, in the matter of intimate husband wife relationship, it is quite the customary for people to see so many things. In fact, the intimate relationship has been, if you will, vulgar, alized, the media and to talk about that in the proper context and in the proper way of spiritual

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upliftment and development would not really be regarded as would not be regarded bad ready.

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And this is basically that I have the wife also to have her fulfillment or to have satisfaction of her instinctive needs. In fact, many Muslim jurists include this as a right for the woman and a duty on the husband.

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Let me give you one or two examples, from the early days of Islam that shows that this thing is we're not a matter of just hanging up or something that's a taboo that nobody should talk about. And also it reflects the understanding of the contemporaries of Dr. Muhammad peace be upon him about the wholesome and natural way of looking at this intimate husband wife, relationship.

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And one story

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On March the second, Caleb was passing at night used to go at night to find out if anybody's in need or this trouble or problems. And he passed by house and he heard a lady making poems. And basically, the poem says that, you know that the night has become too dark and too lonely and difficult and long.

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And that there is no one really to talk to and have some, you know,

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company with, he asked about her case. And he was told that her husband was in a military campaign that she was away for a few months. And she was really badly missing him. He immediately went to his daughter's house.

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And he asked her a question, she was rather shy to answer him. He said, How long could a wife really be away from her husband in terms of intimate relationship? She was very shy, but finally, she gave an answer that maybe, you know, four months, five months, something like that.

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As soon as he got that advice, he immediately decreed that even people sent in, you know,

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campaigns or deputations

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would go on for four months. So that would allow one month for traveling four months participation and one month to come back so that they can see their wives also, and spend some time with them. And that shows again, this very natural way of looking at this kind of relationship. But another story is even more interesting.

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A person came to the kid if that's the roller armor, second clip,

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that was a woman. And she came to him and said, Oh, commander of the believers, they use what title to give

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my husband fasts during the day.

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And he spends the night in prayers.

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And I really hate to complain against him because he is obedient to God.

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Um, I did not understand her question. He didn't see anything wrong. Come in. He's, he's a good pious person. It says nema zoetic. Oh, what a wonderful husband. You have

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the woman repeated again. Um, uh, you know, he fasts and prays and obeys God, I hate to complain.

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She repeats it, hoping that she might, he might get her message. And again, he responded, oh, what a wonderful husband you have. And then there was another person sitting there by the name of cap.

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Sad. That's his name. And he looked at Ahmed, and he said, Oh, commander of believers.

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This woman is really complaining against her husband keeping apart from her intensive, intimate relationship.

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So I must say, all right, since you understood her message, why didn't you judge between her and her husband? He said, Okay. He called on her husband.

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And he said to her husband,

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your wife is complaining against you. So the husband said, What is she complaining that? I'm not providing her with food or drink or anything like that?

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And the man, the judges said, No.

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And then the wife intervened. And she made a nice, subtle poem, to the effect that her husband's love of God and His acts of worship, kept him away from her.

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The husband understood her message. So he made another piece of beautiful poem, to the effect that his love of gods, you know, kept him busy with so many special acts.

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And then the judge responded with a third phone.

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trying again, to give a hint to him that, yes, he should be pious and everything that's commendable, but he should also give his wife

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joy, right.

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Then he made the judgment. He said, All right.

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Maybe you can spend three nights in this act of worship, but the first night you should give to your wife, the claws to her

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armor was sitting there and he very much admired the understanding and wisdom of that judge have come.

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And he said to him, I don't know what to wonder about your intelligence and astute understanding of her complaint, or should I wonder more about the students and why is way that you are judged to settle the dispute go. I'll appoint you as a judge in Basra, which is now in Iraq.

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So these are, you know, examples, which shows the kind of orientation

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of those early companions of the Prophet is a

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lot of insight on some very important areas in any relationship between husband and wife. Now, I'd be curious to get your opinion of the

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what these examples signify about Islamic view of this aspect of marital relationships. When it shows, first of all, that there is no hanga in Islam concerning the matter of sex or marital relationship, so long as it is satisfied within the wholesome, normal, marital relationship, not outside, not extra, prior premarital, and all these kinds of things. These are all regarded as containable, but within marriage, there's no hang up about. As indicated in the previous program. Marriage is regarded as a blessing from God, which is both on the spiritual level psychological comfort as well as even physical satisfaction of one's legitimate needs and instinct. And perhaps at

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this juncture,

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reiteration or cross reference to a saying of the Prophet that we mentioned a long time ago in the series on moral teaching in Islam. This was narrated by Muslim in which the Prophet said that if one of you goes to his wife, that's for intimate relationship, he gets divine reward from God. They were wondering, they said, a person enjoys himself and gets the word. He said, All right. If the person does not get that enjoyment in the permissible, wholesome marriage, wouldn't he get it in an unopened weighs like adultery? They said, Yes. He said, If he does that, would he be punished for it? He said, Yes. He said, All right. If he doesn't try it again, in the wholesome manner, he gets

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reward from God for it, actually, in one version of that saying, he said, Why do you count the punishment for sin, but not the reward for the right thing, or the proper wholesome satisfaction.

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Indeed, the prophet was even so sensitive in his teaching about how a Muslim should be considered to the needs of his wife,

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that he should have some patience, even in the most intimate relationship to make sure that you also attend her satisfaction. Not only this, if I may go, just one step. One little step further, in being frank about this. There are specific guidance which are found in the setting of the Prophet as well as in other books in Islamic jurisprudence, even about the how to make of that

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relationship a successful and satisfying one for both.

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There are several sayings of the Prophet, for example, concerning the prayers at the beginning, as narrated in both Bukhari and Muslim, basically translated as,

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Oh God, protect or keep Satan, protect us from Satan, and keeps it in a way from whatever you bestow on us. And the Prophet said that if a child is born as a result of this relationship, the Satan will not be able to mislead.

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So that puts it in the proper spiritual context, in several saying of the Prophet also of peace be upon him.

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He indicated that a person should not go to his wife just like animals, but rather to make a messenger between himself and his wife. The Companions asked, what kind of messenger What's that? He said, The kiss and talking, which is 1400 years ago, was regarded as something rather strange that religious teaching speaks even about the proper stimulation and making sure that there is mutual satisfaction of both.

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In fact, in other occasions, we find that the Quran itself even make a hint to this even the Word of God make a hint to that. For example, in chapter two in the Quran, verse two to three 223 it says that

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your wife's are like, you know,

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like fertile land for uses, again, a reference or the hint about the possible reproduction, reproductive function. But it says what continually unforeseen combat is introduced for yourself. In other words, don't just directly without sufficient preparation, one should not

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should not be inconsiderate also to the need for sufficient preparation for that. So I know this might

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Sound rather

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strange to some that, like I said before a religious teaching a holy book even make a hint. But that all stems from Islamic philosophy to life that there is no hang up. This is a natural instinctive thing. It is not an evil in itself. It is the way of satisfaction which may be good or evil.

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We'll have to leave it at that for today. We want to invite you back next week then we'll continue our discussions. Thank you for watching Assalamu alaikum peace beyond view