Hosai Mojaddidi – The Mindful Home Taking Care of the Crisis Within Ourselves
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh dear sisters and
brothers on the lamp. So today I wanted to talk about the tranquil
Muslim home. And if you know me, you know, I like presentations.
Just I'm a visual learner. So I like to also bring you along to,
to work to what I'm speaking about, in this way. So Bismillah
in order to understand what a tranquil home is, obviously, we
need to look no further than the Quran. And so Allah subhanaw taala
tells us first he defines what tranquility is in many different
verses, but here's a few of them in a certain Fajr he says
Altavilla administrate on a regime? Yeah a year to handcuff
Sal Mothma in LGI II in Arabic Iraq, they attend Moralia right
that Allah spider will say to the believer, oh, tranquil soul, and
then return to your Lord well pleased and pleasing to Him. So
making the connection that a person experiences tranquility, by
prioritizing the pleasure of Allah subhana wa Tada. And then it's
also a reward, that also that will give us tranquility, because we
are seeking His pleasure. He also says in sort of the room Alladhina
amanu Wautoma in new Kalu home the degree Allah Allah, Allah He
taught my in that minor Kullu those who believe and whose hearts
find tranquility, in the remembrance of Allah subhana wa
Tada For indeed, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts
find tranquility. So these are the definitions Allah subhanaw taala
gives us for the tranquil soul.
Now marriage is also connected to this concept of tranquility.
Marshall, I know many of the other speakers, maybe perhaps one or
more references, beautiful verse that really teaches us about the
objective of every marriage, it's to actually seek and find
tranquility in one another. And how do we do that through
affection and mercy. So there's a lot of these concepts that are
themes that you will hear over and over again, that tie this
objective of tranquility, back to being affectionate, being
merciful, being compassionate, and we'll explore that more in a
moment.
Other verses also, let us know and indicate for us what we should be
seeking, in terms of, you know, just in our relationships, but
also from Allah subhanaw taala comfort, right, we specifically
should look to our spouses or partners, to be a comfort to our
eyes, we should also in order to do that practice gratitude, we
should be grateful, because I was positive promises, that if we're
grateful, he will increase us. And that we continue to proclaim the
blessings because once you lose sight of your blessings, you fall
into error, and ingratitude which is very dangerous for the soul,
but also for the relationships that you have. So all of these are
practices that will again, cultivate tranquility in our
marriages.
Now, those are the ideals, right and mashallah with again, heard
from many esteemed teachers already about the ideals of
Islamic marriage, but we have to kind of bring it to the modern
crisis and the modern issue. And so I wanted to just look, look for
a moment at the different types of relationships that we're seeing
today. And I'm sure there's many iterations and different, you
know, stories that we can share. But in a nutshell, I think it's
very important that we define and understand what a healthy
relationship looks like. And today, even according to
researchers, these are pretty standard definition is that a
healthy relationship or a healthy household is defined by certain
qualities, among them are, that everyone in that household feels
safe. So if you think about that for a moment, brings us back to
this concept of tranquility, right? You can't have a tranquil
home environment if anybody is feeling unsafe, right. And this is
irrespective of factors like socio economics, race, culture,
education level number of children, or if it's even a single
parent home, if you want to see if it's a healthy household, then
that's the quality you're looking for. Does everyone feel safe and
for the Muslim home, this is predicated on the the goal that
the environment must be one in which the pleasure of God is a
primary collective objective. So that means everybody in the
household in order to truly feel safe is seeking ALLAH SubhanA wa
Tada and to please Him above everyone else above themselves. So
that is the again, just, you know, in a nutshell, the definition of
what a healthy relationship or household looks like. So in
contrast, what does a dysfunctional relationship look
like? And again, I want you to look at the words here and think
about why we have this crisis in our community of broken homes,
broken families, and
And skyrocketing divorce rates, because dysfunctional households
are characterized by incompatibility. Lack of trust is
really important. financial instability, abuse, violence, lack
of communication, lack of empathy, controlling behavior,
perfectionism, criticism, addiction, isolation, mental
health issues, spiritual disconnect. So it's really
important. lack of respect, undefined boundaries with family
members, disloyalty and fidelity, emotional or physical, and I'm
sure we can add more. But if you really think about any
relationship that you know, that has had any of these, you will
likely agree that it's contributed to, to the dysfunctions in that
relationship and potentially even the dissolution of the marriage
itself. So now, I want to also address another problem that I
think is very much a part of why we're seeing these crisis is
because our expectations of marriage are so flawed.
You know, I, as many of you know, I give talks on marriage, as well
as parenting and one of the root issues is that we come to the
conversation so late, we're not prepared, oftentimes we get in
relationships, without any preparation. But that doesn't mean
that we don't have expectations, and what are those expectations
coming from? It's usually informed by culture, by media, buy whatever
else we're consuming. And so we have to really address our our
presumptions or expectations and see where the myths lie and what's
really, what's really real. And so the illusion of happiness. This is
something again, when people talk about marriage, what is the focus,
the focus is always on the wedding itself, right, the the excitement
of marriage is usually very much tied to the celebration of
marriage. So we think about, you know, the big, you know, hot
wedding halls, the clothing, and all these ideals that we've been
maybe, especially when I'm speaking to the women, we've been
maybe looking at, whether it's bridal magazines, or Instagram, or
wherever else, we're watching people's lives, or experiences or
weddings or marriages, we kind of start to shape this expectation
that that's what we want to, and then, you know, looking at also
families and, and just believing that there's, it's perfect, and
everything has to be picture perfect. And so when you enter
relationships
with that again, misconception, then you're going to set yourself
up to fail. And so that is where, again, exploring what are the
myths that we're commonly taught to have or to expect, versus what
is reality. So the first I would say is that marital bliss, in
dunya, is attainable. This is 100% of myth. It's not attainable
because and the reality of which you can just, you know, look to
the right here is because bliss, as a concept is for the athlete,
it's not for dunya it's literally defined as perfect happiness and
great joy, we are not in the abode of bliss. This is not the Abode
that any single person can experience bliss, especially as a,
as a state, you know, you might have a moment of bliss, but to
expect that something is going to always be blissful is again, a
myth. It's just not real, or that a perfect marriage quote unquote,
is a problem free one, as we heard, mashallah, from Mufti Abdul
Wahab and there are many other countless stories, not just from
the Sierra, but from previous prophets, the prophets of God, who
were chosen people, the elite of humanity, they suffered, right due
to their marriages and their relationships. So there that is
just again, a myth that, that you should not have problems and the
moment you have a problem, that it's now something that you should
just discard. And that's why we're again, finding unfortunately, that
the move to divorce comes very quickly for some people, because
they entered marriage thinking, well, it should be perfect, and I
should be completely, all my expectations should be met, and
this person should fulfill every desire and hope I have. And the
moment that things become difficult. I'm out the door,
that's just, again, wrong. And then the last one would be that
the more righteous you are, the more perfect your marriage will
be. As we again heard from our previous speakers, the best of
creation so Allah hottie was Saddam dealt with marital
problems. So this there's that correlation just to simply false.
Marriage is meant to test you so when you adjust your expectations,
recalibrate and you start to think that these are real and all this
power that has placed us in the dunya to be tested and he even
tells us that he will test us through our relationships. Now I
have a more accurate understanding. And from here we
can begin to
Build and also just a further proof of, you know, I just put
this list together, but I'm sure I could add on to it if I really
gave it more thought that marital problems, address are addressed in
the Quran, look at the different Stories of the Prophets and just,
you know, in saintly people or other stories that are mentioned
in the Quran, that actually reveal very serious issues in households
in marriages and families. So this is just further proof that this
idea of perfect, or relationships just simply is not true in this
lifetime.
Actually, oops, well, I guess I was going to test you. But there
goes that
I was going to ask all of you, if you could give me a number of what
you thought in terms of like, you know, marital conflict, right?
What what the statistic here says, which is basically that most of
marital conflicts go unresolved. And I think this is really a
constellation right for anybody who's in a marriage and you've
been struggling. And I know I work with couples all the time who feel
like these are repeat problems. My God, it's been five years, six
years, seven years, this isn't getting resolved. That is
sometimes starts to wear you down, and you just feel hopeless. But
when you start to again, look at what's happening on the ground, in
households all over the world, then you realize these are human
issues, these are this is just, you know, indicative of our
state's our condition as human beings and also the test that many
of us will experience which is that likely not everything is
going to get resolved. And how you deal with that is really going to
make a difference in whether or not you're going to experience
some level of, again, tranquility, or peace of mind, or if you're
just going to be resisting and in a state of constant anger and
frustration all the time. Because letting go and surrendering is a
very big part of our faith. Allah's father tells us there are
things you will not be able to control outcomes, we cannot
control, you could put so much effort into something whether it's
in your marriage or in your children, for those of us who have
children we know right? That you can spend so much time investing,
investing, but the outcome is with Allah subhana wa Tada. So learning
that, that doesn't mean that we don't strive for solutions. But I
think the reason why this statistic, again is important is
because it just reminds us that it's part and parcel of the
marital experience to deal with struggles. And some of those
struggles may get resolved, but some may not. What are you going
to do about it? How are you going to deal with that? Running away?
And just discarding relationships isn't always the answer. It might
sound easy. But that opens up a slew of other problems that if
you're not really thinking through your decisions, it may come back
to hurt you even greater than the relationship you were in. And I
know plenty of those stories as well. So may Allah just give us
again, proper and accurate expectations. Now, with as with
anything, right? When we look to try to look towards solutions, we
don't look at symptoms, especially you know, in a marital situation,
you don't look at the symptoms, you look at the systems, right?
Where are the systems flawed? What is it in that relationship that
could be corrected and in in our marriages, it's likely because we
haven't really understood the rights and responsibilities. And
that's what I was saying before is that we don't prepare people
properly. They just enter the marriage because they're all
caught up in emotions and feelings and planning way too far ahead.
Instead of really doing the necessary work to say, Wait a
second, do I even understand what I'm getting into? Have I even
understood the what's demanded of me before I start to draw up all
the things that I want, right? Because that's where we should be
starting, we should be starting from the place of
responsibilities, like what does Allah subhanaw that expect from me
as a wife, what does Allah expect from me as a husband, and when you
start from that place, and you start to build your understanding,
then you know, eventually you'll you'll learn about the rights that
you're owed, but your priorities are very clear that you're more
worried about what pleasing Allah subhanaw taala and so this
beautiful hadith is you know, one that's used often to help us to
find the the proper structure of a Muslim home but also just
leadership in general, right where the prophesy some says Hola, hola,
como, como Xulon. Andre, at each one of you is a shepherd. And
there's this is responsible for his or her flock. And then he goes
on to detail what that means. So here very clearly, a man is the
guardian of his family, and he's responsible for them. So he's
putting the emphasis and the focus on the responsibility of the
husband, that you have to step into the role of being the
guardian of your family, and you're fully responsible for their
safety, for their protection for providing for them, all of that
that's on the men and then for the woman, as well. He the focus is on
what she is responsible for, which is her husband's home, and his
children. And so these things are very clearly laid out.
For us, and if we really again, start from the place of
understanding our responsibilities, then we we begin
to build a more accurate understanding. And here is, you
know, further
you know, comment or further elaboration about this, this point
about shepherding views and how it's, it leads to effective
leadership. And that's why the analogy is so powerful because if
you think of the, the shepherd, right, they have, you know, they
have to be ahead, they they're in a caretaking position. And so you
must first learn what effective leadership is, and again, fulfill
your responsibilities before demanding your rights. And so when
we take apart prophetic leadership, what do we learn, we
see that the prophesy Saddam in his own life in every role that he
had, whether it was husband, father, statesman, spirit, you
know, Prophet, whatever he was doing, these are the, you know,
the the qualities that he possessed, he was focused, right,
he's teaching us to be focused, to be responsible to be knowledgeable
about what we're doing, to be attentive right to those in our
care, to be in control of oneself. So this is where we have to, you
know, learn how to do that you can't just be this person that
flies off the handle and is easily triggered, and gets upset with
everything, you have to have comportment and learn restraint.
So learning how to control yourself, being resilient, life is
going to come at as hard, there's a lot of challenges, you might
have financial issues you might have in law troubles, you might
have issues with your children, can you stay the course and just
work through those issues, and we'll talk about how we can do
that. But you know, to be to have that resiliency, to be
compassionate as well, you can't just, you know, expect, be this
entitled person that expects everything to go your way without
also realizing that sometimes people, you know, they they, they
can always, you know, come through and, and just have some mercy and
compassion in general, being patient, respectful, vigilant,
consistent, humble. All of these are prophetic qualities that were
taught in terms of leadership. But obviously, they apply to a marital
situation for both the men and the women, we all have to try our best
to try to strive for these virtues, and then how to prepare
for leadership like, Okay, those are ideals and those sounds really
great. They're obviously prophetic qualities. But how can we do that?
Well, this goes back to a term that you've heard me say many
times, we heard marshmallow shift, or mostly a little had mentioned
it, which is emotional intelligence. And emotional
intelligence is really important, because it's a prophetic quality.
And it what does it mean? It just means you're able to identify,
manage your own emotions, and the emotions of other people, if we
don't cultivate this quality in our men and our women, and we'll
continue to see our relationships suffer. So how do you become more
emotionally intelligent? Well, first of all, you start with
yourself, you have to know your own limitations, your own
weaknesses, your own shortcomings, and obviously work towards that
just again, as our teachers were saying before, you can't be the
type of person that says, I am what I am. That's it, like,
there's no fixing this, that's not the mindset of a Muslim, the
Muslim is always in the mindset of I'm a work in progress, I have a
lot of room for improvement. And that's something that should be,
you know, that comes intrinsically from from both the, again, the
husband and the wife, that you yourself, want to be a better
version of yourself, always. So understanding yourself while
understanding your own needs. And then you look to those in your
care, and what their needs are. And you also are vigilant, like a
lot of marriages, unfortunately, in my experience, have also,
you know, fallen, because there wasn't a vigilance. And if you
think of the shepherd, why is that analogy important? Because a
shepherd has to know the threats, the imminent threats towards his
or her flock? So you have to be aware of, is this something, you
know, is there something that I have to protect my marriage from
this could be other people, it could be, you know, I mean, it
could be many things, but you have to be at least willing to observe
what are the potential threats and dangers for your particular
relationship, and not just kind of be going with the motions because
that's when a lot of a lot of people have have unfortunately,
you know, things that they they just they were blindsided by it
because they weren't paying attention. And then, you know,
prepare with preventative measures. So this is where
education is important. This is where experience is important. I
was recently speaking to someone about, you know, the importance of
young people, especially for a single people listening or
watching. It's very important that before you think of marriage, or
before you find someone you know, that's not the time to start to
learn about marriage, it's really important that you start investing
in that part of your life way ahead of time. And how do you do
that? Yes, you can take courses and workshops like this or attend
lectures, but I think a much better strategy is to seek out
really healthy couples, right that are maybe a little
little bit older than you and to start to try to keep them in your
orbit somehow or just, you know, learn from them, watch them,
observe them look at how they're, you know, interacting with each
other. And, and that can be a really great education. So that's
how we try to you know, invest in in preventative ways to protect
ourselves in the long run, because we're looking to good models,
right? of marriage. And if your parents weren't that that's okay,
they're human beings. But mashallah, there are healthy
examples in our community. seeking counsel is also really important.
You know, we have to know when to turn and I can't tell you how many
people I have worked with over the years who this they were their own
barrier to help? Well, either one or both refused to seek help.
Because the ego, right, the ego is our greatest enemy. And within a
marriage, it's very destructive to have someone who's so defiant,
seeing their relationship fall apart, having maybe daily, you
know,
conflicts, but still not feel something compelling them to seek
help, that's pure enough, and obviously, shaitan because he
loves nothing more than to destroy the Muslim home. So we have to,
you know, put our faith into practice and Edina Naseeha, the
province lies on sought out advice. So who are you, if you
think you're better than the province, I said, I'm fear God, he
literally sought advice out in his relationships. So if that's
something that is a barrier for you, then just realize you are,
you know, destroying your own home by your own hands, and God will
hold you to account.
And then of course, we have to rely on Allah subhanaw taala be
humble and submit to His will. So these are how we prepare for
leadership. And then of course, there's continuous ways that we
can self improve, right, the process, I'm reminded us and I
love this hadith, because it really speaks to something that we
experienced today. It's relevant today, because we're in the age of
social media, where it's all about pretense. It's all about optics.
So people walk around, and they put, you know, as again, one of
the speakers mentioned, like on social media, it's all, you know,
the highlight reel of their life, because it's image based. But you
know, this is a clear warning, the best of what a believing man can
be given as good character, and the worst of what a man can be
given as an evil heart with a beautiful appearance. So if you're
ugly, inside your home, behind closed doors, you're an ugly
monster. But then you're outside and you're just like, everybody's
favorite person, you're this social butterfly, people flock to
you. That's the fab. I mean, I don't know what else to call it.
And that is, you know, that's, that's what the process is warning
us about, don't fall into that be a person who's more concerned with
what, as we mentioned, in the beginning, pleasing Allah subhanaw
taala. That's your priority. And then this is another really
important Hadith, because what it reminds us of is that there will
be times where you're going to be pushed to your limits, but rise
above rise above don't fall into argumentation, right. Don't be a
person that gives into your what we call, or what our teachers call
the default setting, the default setting of the human being is, you
know, as low character, is it because we're not at the end of
the day. Right. And that's why when you study the new foods we
have, you know, the depths of a matar. Bisou is this is the bottom
base enough. So most of us start with, right, we're just completely
in our appetites. Me, me, me, it's all about me. And then we have to
overcome that enough's. And when we overcome it, and we start
resisting, we get into what Nuff said lawanna. Right, which is the
it's enough that's challenging, it's struggling, it's against
itself. And then as we keep going in that direction, inshallah we
rise to the next level with my inner. So the default is to be low
to be argumentative, but Allah spa that gives us so much reward when
we abandon those qualities for his pleasure. And so developing
beautiful character being upright, honest, conciliatory, peaceful,
compassionate, these are the things that will bring us ease
right in our relationships, beautification, inward and
outward. It's important that we've mentioned that because, you know,
if you're, as they say, letting yourself go, whether it's inwardly
or outwardly, it will cause resentment in the relationship.
And that and because life is hard, and marriage can be sometimes
difficult, that's not an excuse, to just forget that we are in a
conditional relationship, when we're married there, it's based on
conditions, you've entered the relationship in order to have
fulfilment of certain things and vice versa. So once you start
slipping, and letting go of those things, not taking care of
yourself, whether physically or inwardly, then you are taking the
rights of the person you married. And so we shouldn't do that.
Obviously, we should do the opposite, continuously beautifying
our inward and outward states, staying focused on bettering
yourself instead of putting the focus on your partner and over
managing sometimes and that's very easy to do, right. We're so quick
to create
To size others, and completely forget that we ourselves have a
lot of improvement. And I can tell you again, from having
conversations with many different couples, it's usually a battling.
It's I mean, it's a fight between, you know, you know, where both
sides are trying to convince me the person between them have who
have why the other person is wrong. And very rarely do you see
a moment where you know, one or the other or both, will actually
be completely honest and say, You know what, I actually do this,
this or that, it's just always finger pointing and blaming and
shifting the plane and blaming deflection and deflection. So we
have to be more concerned with bettering ourselves and then
abandoning the ego the need to be right as we just read from this
beautiful Hadith, learning to pick your battles, you're not going to
win, every battle is just not going to happen. There's going to
be times where you are going to be forced to swallow your pride. And
to do something for the sake of the marriage for the sake of Allah
subhana wa Tada. That will be something that displeases you. But
guess what, Allah is so generous, that every time you do that, for
His pleasure, you are being rewarded. So is it a loss? No, but
your enough's will tell you, it's a loss because your pride is
involved. Your ego will tell you, you know, oh, you had to do this
for him. And then, you know, she thought, of course, he's gonna
pour on fuel on that, and make it seem like you're a victim, and you
are forced to do something, how about rising above that and
saying, you know, what, I, you know, I have, I have my own mind.
And I want to I choose to do X, Y, and Z, because it's, I know, it's
for the sake of Allah. And that way you overcome your ego, but
being a person who really just is able to see that it's not always
going to go your way. But you're still not out of a lot at a loss
when you're doing it for the sake of Allah. And again, being humble.
And remember, Allah is all knowing, and will hold us all
accountable if we don't behave responsibly in all of our
relationships. So there's no escaping his judgment, at the end
of the day, you can get things out of people in this life, and maybe
you think you've won something, if you've you know, if by force or
whatever. But if you're taking away anybody else's rights, will
face a loss judgment. And that should be something that we keep
in mind all the time. So now, let's shift gears to goals,
because whether you're married or again, single and looking, the
objective, again, going back to the theme of tranquility, is to
create those safe and soulful spaces, spaces where truly we feel
we want to be home, you know, if you're running away from your
home, because there are problems there that you don't want to deal
with. And that that can can you know, there can be many reasons
why. But you should hope or you should wish to change course, you
should wish to try to transform your home back into a space that
you feel safe to go to, and you want to go to. And so how do we do
that? Well, we need to realize that, you know, that marriage, a
healthy marriage, again, is when both the couple see that this is a
shared path that we want to walk together with, it's not one going
ahead of the other. It's together in unison, we're walking on a path
together, that's what marriage is supposed to be. So the team
attitude is really important. We're complementary to one
another, the Quran says, right, we're not adversaries. So the
power grabs that we see nowadays, as a result of, you know, third,
fourth, fifth wave feminism, and the Insell movement, and all these
other movements, that, that ramp up men and women against each
other to make us you know, hate one another is not part of our
faith. It's literally toxic, you know, ideas, ideologies, and
whatever else political movements that have, unfortunately
infiltrated some of our community. But we have to see that it's
antithetical to our faith, our faith teaches us to see one
another in a complementary way, and never to give into this idea
that, you know, we, we have to take power, or else we will be
powerless all of that, you know, those sentiments and those notions
are just not part of our tradition. And then how do we do
that? Well, we respect into individual roles and
responsibilities. As we looked at the hadith of shepherding. That's
a very, you know, kind of general Hadith, but when you look at the
examples of the prophesy, Solomon has wives and all the other great
men and women of our community, their lives are examples of what
it means to what what the individual roles are, right of
between men and women. As we said, the men are the maintainers. This
is in the Quran, you cannot reject that to maintain
their women. What does that mean? It's responsibility. It's Amana.
And sometimes the translations and don't listen to the poor
translations. If they bother you, they might frame it in a different
way. But it's not about it's more about responsibility, then it is
about power. So if you're reading into that, and it looks like oh,
that seems so unfair. That's the wrong lens, because nothing that
last part that teaches or has taught us is ever unfair.
Right, what is the most just so it's, it's about, you know,
putting men and that's what you know, which we'll get to in a
moment, but, you know, having an understanding of of putting things
in their proper place, right. So the man's proper place in a Ideal
Muslim home is as the one who maintains the household. And he's,
you know, the one that we refer to for the for that responsibility.
And for the woman, it's to, again, bring that beautiful warmth, that
love in inculcate a culture in a home where love is just flowing
between everybody, we can't do that, if we're absent, we can't do
that if we're not at home. Right? If we're away from our homes all
day long, we're going to have a very difficult time managing the
flow of love in our homes. And that's what we see, unfortunately.
And of course, there are some women who just simply have no
choice. And I'm not, this isn't about women who work versus being
at home, because there are certainly working women who can do
this, but it's about attentiveness. It's about really
focusing on your responsibility, honoring any differences, you
know, we're living in a time where the gender binary is called into
question, which is insanity. It's real. It's true. Our Lord has
revealed that it's true, we believe that it's true. So what
does that mean? Well, there are true gender differences that we
have to know, men and women operate differently. And part of I
know the education that I think a lot of men need are on the
differences of, of women and men in terms of the biological
physiological factors, women are under immense pressure,
physiologically, from the start of their menstrual cycle all the way
until death. And I don't think Some women even understand the
effect of the constant bombardment of hormones and the fluctuations
and how it affects mood, how it affects ability, cognition,
memory, there's so much impact. And if you as a man don't
understand that you're going to be very, you're not going to have
empathy towards your wife. But if you take some time to study and
say, Wait a second, her brain is you know, is being flooded by
these very powerful hormones that impact her in so many different
ways. Maybe I need to scale back and not expect her to create a you
know, to cook a feast for my guests, and then get mad at her
and punish her. So just practicing that empathy, but that comes from
knowledge and education and vice versa for for women as well. We
need to also practice empathy for our men, because the pressures
that our men go through, I mean, I would never and I don't say this
to insult men, but I truly would never trade spaces with a man
because the immense amount of that they have not only to maintain
their homes and marriages, but also their parents, their or
sometimes their siblings, uncles, aunts, extended family members,
their responsibilities often fall on our men. And then on top of
that they have furred you know, Keifa for the community, the men
are going to be asked about certain things that we don't have
to worry about as women. So they're under immense pressure.
When it's time for battle. Nobody's looking to the women, you
know, that's I mean, depending on where you are, maybe nowadays, but
battle is usually we you know, it's the men that are called. And
so we have to appreciate that they are also under immense stress. So
when they come home, and they just want ease, to be, you know, not to
receive them with that ease is really important. So these are how
we are mutually considerate of each other's differences, and
really respecting the innate differences that were created with
and not trivializing them, dismissing them or erasing them.
This is not our tradition, we don't erase what Allah Subhana
Allah has created, and what he has also
made very real for us right and then admiring one another's
individual strengths, traits and skills very important to reflect
beauty back onto one another. So when you see the strength of your
partner, that you're willing to compliment them to validate them
to magnify those strengths instead of seeing them as some you know,
some again, source of threat to you. That's that's just your
knifes if you feel threatened by your your spouse's, for example,
if you have a spouse who's makes more income than you, why would
you not see that as a great honor that Allah has given you somewhat?
I mean, what about Khadija the law and say, the honey jar mother, she
was a woman of immense wealth and prestige and status to the
prophets. I seldom look to her with jealousy for her success, or
was he proud to be her husband? And obviously, he's the prophet of
God. So hamdulillah it's a two way thing. But the point is to not be
threatened by these things, and then desiring one another's
success always seeking mutual benefit. This is really important.
So how do we do that? Well, here are some. Again, I know there's a
lot of content here you feel free to take a picture if you want, but
just some very simple things about husbands and wives can do and
everything presented here is mutual it's not one sided. I try
to be very fair because at the end of the day, it's it's takes to
write to either make or break a relationship. So this isn't, you
know, in any way a gendered conversation. It's actually all
Across the board, so mutual respect, very important that we
respect one another in the way that we speak, that we don't
demean, we don't talk down to, there isn't this whole top down
sort of relationship model that we create? No, it should be just as
the prophesy Saddam in his own marriage, he marriages he spoke to
his wives as his partner's not as, you know, as their boss, or, or
they are that his subordinates, he never spoke to people that way.
trust, honesty, compromise. And again, you know, we may not have
time to go through all of these things, but, you know, just really
important. Another one is individuality. This is really
important, because I see this happen, where people enter a
marriage and they lose their identity. And we're also, you
know, falsely kind of, you know, we're taught to look at marriage
as this, this notion that I, you come as a half a person, and you
look for your other half and no shades of brother, it who has half
our deen, because that's, that's very different. But I'm talking
about just this idea that your partner has to complete you.
That's very dangerous, why are you an incomplete person? And why are
you seeking another person to complete you have, you know,
agency of your own to try to strive for a sense of wholeness
and yourself, and then you look to your partner to be your support,
and that but not, the burden shouldn't follow a fall on them to
do that for you, right. So don't lose your individuality, have a
strong sense of who you are. And even in your marriage, you know,
your your individual identity is very important. If you only become
your, you know, your you know, the wife of so and so or the husband
of so and so. And now you're you know, in their in their shadow,
that's going to breed problems, but you have to remember Allah
subhana created us all independently, right. And even
though these roles are very important to be a wife, and a
husband, and a mother and a father, these are very essential
roles. At the end of the day, our essential identity is what we are
about Allah, all of us across the board. And that means that all of
us have to have some individual identity that we aspire to, which
is to try to again, be the best versions of ourselves that which
pleases Allah subhanaw taala good communication, we know that at the
end of the day, that really is what can make all the difference
is that we know how to talk to one another, with respect listening
before we jump in and interrupt and shut down conversations, slam
doors, all the villa, Where's this coming from? This hostility, this
anger, that's uncontrolled. It's because we're not again, doing
that spiritual work, and holding ourselves accountable. And also we
don't, we're not learning how to how to communicate in healthy
ways. Sometimes, not every conversation has to be verbal. And
I say this all the time, if you're if you feel intimidated, because
your temperament gets flustered. And I know this, because I've seen
it happen where some people, their emotions, override them. So they
have a lot of legitimate grievances, but they cannot get
them out. Then don't put yourself in that position where you
undermine yourself. And I'm not putting blame, I'm just saying
find a better way. And the better way maybe to collect your
thoughts, jot them down, write them down, or find maybe someone
else who can be your advocate. And that's, you know, again, where
we're turning to people for counsel may be a better option for
you, then fighting, then trying to advocate for yourself, but it goes
nowhere, it falls on deaf ears, you never get any progress. So
these are the ways that we can learn how to communicate more
effectively. And then controlling our anger is very important. If
you've not done any spiritual work, or haven't really studied
the diseases of the heart, this is essential knowledge before anybody
gets into a marriage. And I would say before you become a parent,
please take the time to learn to Skia learn the diseases of the
heart, there's 25 of them, and start to purify yourself because
otherwise they're only going to get worse marriage is primed to
test us. So if you enter it with a disease, a heart full of diseases,
then it will only become more more more diseased. Whereas if you try
at least to cleanse, then Insha Allah, Allah will give you the
fear. So Ganga is a big part of that. And in the many Hadith where
the prophet was in talks about, you know, you know, not becoming
angry, right, that totaled up he says, Don't become angry. What
he's saying, because it's sometimes miss mistranslated is
not don't become angry because it's like, literally, obviously,
anger is a human emotion. But what he's really saying is don't become
anger. Right? Don't let the anger lord over you. We're all you are
is anger. Because you can feel angry about something you may
experience. Situations that put you in a state of anger, but if
you lose comportment, and now you're
Just this walking ticking time bomb, you know bursting at the
seams, unleashing anger on your wife, husband, children in laws of
inlaws are in the home, all the biller, that means you're you're
not doing the work that you need to do in order to maintain
yourself, let alone your relationship, fighting fair be a
person who, you know is sticking to the facts of the matter.
Because there's a lot of gaslighting that happens in
arguments and fights, where it's like, I just want to win. It's not
even about the truth. It's not even about justice. It's about I
want the last word, and I want to put you in your place because I'm
offended by you. And I don't like you right now. And that's not
fighting fair, I was a witness to all of that. So we have to hold
ourselves accountable, to have some ground rules that when we
argue or when we have disputation, that we're going to remain
respectful. And our objective is to get to the truth, not to win
for personal victory, what victory? Is it? To win an argument
with your spouse, when you go to bed angry with each other, the
angels are upset, the household is upset? What is that? How is that a
victory to anyone. It's not problem solving, right? Spouses
can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking
a problem into small parts. Sometimes you don't need to tackle
everything all at once. So choose wisely. Empathy, obviously, self
confidence, being a role model. And then the last one is also
important. You know, we don't talk about this enough, especially in
these types of spaces. But it is important because I've seen again,
a lot of abuse around that particular part of marriage. And
it is very important that we honor the rights, especially as it
pertains to the intimate real rights of a relationship across
the board. And so taking the time to learn what those are, what are
the boundaries, what's permissible, what's not
permissible, and not ever falling into what we see today, very
common, the weaponization of it, right or the abuse of it. This is
not permissible, it is a huge right in the relationship. So if
you withhold because you're angry at someone, you're upset with
them, and that's your form of punishing them, all the biller,
you will be held accountable. The reason why we marry is for
protection, there's too much fitness. So your partner is your
protection from the evils and dangers out in the world. And if
you now become the reason why your partner is, is at risk for falling
into something sinful, you will be held accountable. So that's a very
important point. And I'll Lastly, leave you with something I like to
do play on words or acronyms, something that I hope will stick
with you because I know there's information overload happens
whenever we come to these events. But this is where, you know,
learning that with time with patience with hard work, we can
create metal. And that's you know, this isn't metal, as we understand
me ta l, but metal as a quality because at the end of the day Real
Talk marriage is difficult. It's beautiful. It has moments of joy,
it has moments of bliss moments, it has experiences that are
wonderful. But at the end of the day, it is meant to test us and to
draw us nearer to Allah subhanaw taala. So we have to be in the
long game, right? We have to look for the long game and the way that
you do that is you see that? There? You know, there's certain
qualities and traits that if you spend time inculcating, it'll help
you to achieve a quality called metal, which helps you through
difficulties and facing any demanding situations in a spirited
and resilient way. That's what we want. We want our couples or our
husbands or wives to be resilient to be again looking toward to you
know, towards success. And so how do you do that? Here are the ways
mercy, right inculcating mercy, etiquette, manners adult, this is
very important. Again, the definition of it is to know to put
things in their proper place. So we speak with a dub we deal with
one another with with respect with mutual consideration. Watch your
tone, you know, if you're snarky, if you're, you know,
condescending patronizing. You are out of line, no matter what you're
saying. Because you're veering away from prophetic character.
Right? If you let your arrogance manifest in the way that you
speak, this is again, the fault is on you. You could be saying
something legitimate, but the moment you adopt character that is
out of prophetic character, you're in the fault. That's it. It's like
you you undermine yourself. So just be a person who's like, you
know what, I'll stick my ground I'll state my things but I also am
going to be very mindful of the way that I relay those things and
that's where etiquette comes into place. And then trust you know,
it's very important that we have trust
within our relationships of secrecy, I mean, suspicion is
directly mentioned in the Quran not to be a suspicious person,
right? It's haram this way, no. But there's also something to be
said about creating a relationship where trust is clear, you know, if
you are behaving suspiciously, if your phone you never apart from
it, you're all your passwords are locked, you can never be your
spouse can never even go near your phone, I'm sorry, that's highly
suspect behavior. And we shouldn't do that.
So building trust means open communication means having, you
know, this, this feeling like I know that this person, I can count
on them, I don't, you know, I don't I don't worry about them.
There's honesty, there's trust. And then of course, tranquility,
that's what we all want, that's a byproduct of having good etiquette
and building trust, is you just feel very safe, you're going to
feel safe in a relationship, where those things are happening. And
then on the other side of it mercy, if I am compassionate
towards my spouse, then that brings them ease. And when they
are in ease, guess what, they're going to be more loving. And it's
this beautiful cycle that is just you know, all sides are all every
all parties are satisfied. So this, these are the aims, right?
If we just put this into motion, this wheel of metal, then
inshallah it will give us the tools and the skills to continue
the course. Again, marriages is a path. It's a path, and it's a
beautiful path. It comes with hardship, like any path does,
right? It's very difficult to travel in any meaningful way
without coming upon some challenges. But when you get to
your destination, and you can stop along the way to those Vista
points, and you see really beautiful things, hey, it makes
the journey all worthwhile. And that's how you want to look at
marriage. Our destination is to Allah subhanaw taala it's a gift
to be married. It really is. And we should we should want marriage
and we should seek marriage and nobody should feel like oh,
because I've been married before I'm it's not marriage is not for
me or I'm too old marriage is not for me. leave that door open to
always and of Allah subhanaw taala I've seen beautiful relationships
come with people for people who are who kind of maybe never
thought it was possible for them. But we just surrender to what
Allah plans for us. We don't plan you know, especially for the
future. What do we know? Right? So we surrender but in sha Allah, may
Allah Subhana Allah protect all of our marriages and shot law and I
really again want to thank all of you just like Malala