Balancing Discipline

Hasan Ali

Channel: Hasan Ali

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Dedicated to parents and those involved in looking after children.

Episode Transcript

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Salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakato. This is a video for, for us as parents and those who are involved with the children to discipline and discipline children, how do you actually get the discipline? Right? How do you actually balance the balance the discipline of children.

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So the reason why I'm doing all of this is because I've had a number of calls, and particularly I've had parents telling me about

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their children, one of the things they've done is that they've actually given their children a lot of the things that the children need. And in doing so, they thought that they've solved the problem, because the more gift you give to your children, the better they're supposed to be. Right? I mean, you know, they'll be happy children, you've given so much to them that they will always look at your parents giving them everything they want. And looking up to you, Well, unfortunately, those parents haven't understood what they've done. So you know, they've given them their xboxes, or their ps4, or

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they've given them the education they need the provided them the clothes, and not only clothes, the branded clothes. Okay, so the Nikes, the Adidas, so now, whatever else hype and everything else that they provided for the children, and, you know, the paying for their, for the tuition of things, and, you know, foods always on the table, you know, you're giving them what they want. And you're thinking, well, I've given them all the entertainment they want, I've given them all the things they need. Now, I should be a person who they respect, and they will always listen to me, and I'll get them to do what I want them to do, and it'll be a happy life. Well,

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one big mistake you've made is and you don't realize this as a parent that

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you've actually given them too much. Okay, now that's, that's one ingredient to children becoming disobedient. The opposite is true as well, when you don't give them what they need. And you deprive them from a lot of things that could be another ingredient for them disobeying you, but in disciplining children, you have to understand that they actually sometimes disobey you standing on the very foundation of the many gifts that I've received from you. It's a basic psychology because Allah azza wa jal says in the Holy Quran, color in an insane level of law, Husqvarna law says that, the human disobeys a loss of a job, because the human sees that it's independent from Allah. Now,

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the human goes beyond limits. Why? Because the human sees that, you know, I've received a lot from God, and I'm going to continuously receive this from God. The same applies between human human relationship, when there are two human beings, and one of them is giving the other you know, it could be husband and wife. So husband's doing a lot for the wife, it could be wife to husband, wife is doing a lot for the for the wife, it could be a parent and a child, so parent is doing a lot for the child. And in this relationship, what's happened is that the receiver hasn't has kind of subconsciously thought that you know what these things are going to carry on coming in coming in,

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I'm going to receive this for a long period of time. What then happens is that the the receiver, believing that these things will never disappear, starts to become, you know, independent in the Alright, thinking that you know what, I can do what I want, and I'm still going to get all of this stuff. It's a basic mistake that people make both on the receiving end and on the giving end, because the the giver things that hang on a minute, I gave so much to this individual. And this individual is actually disobey me more and more, you know, this individual disrespect me. And the more I'm giving them, the less appreciated and I feel, and it's kind of a livable world whirlwind,

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because you're feeding into it. And you're blaming the other person, but what you don't understand is, you're part of the problem.

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And I'm not saying to you to give up all the things you've given to the person. No, because if you suddenly stopped giving your child or giving, you know, whoever it is, okay, could the husband and wife, wife, husband, if you suddenly do all the good things you do for them,

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then You've spoiled the relationship completely. But if you deprive them of one of those things, and you slowly give them a message that look, if you want me to carry on giving you all of those things, then you better you know, respect and appreciate what you've got. It works. So let me give an example.

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You know, I've at this moment, I've got a 12 year old and he's turning 13 and like many parents out there, the worst age you can have for boys is 12 to 14. Now wherever assess this is that I used to teach in a, in an Islamic school, okay. And we noticed this as teachers in a secondary school, it was a use of some secondary Islamic school bronze bricolage for boys.

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I taught there from year 2000 to year 2003. And as staff we knew this, they come in at the age of 1112. And these boys are really Mashallah, you know, they're so cute. Right? You know, I'm not I'm not paedophile by the way. None of us were. But you know, these, these boys are Masha, Allah, you know, you know, that was nice, you know, not nice features. They're nice and cute. And they look so innocent and Mashallah. And that's at the age of 11, this year seven in school. Okay, so age of 11, turning 12 that they're very good, disciplined, obedient children.

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And when you look at the other end, when they're 15 to 16, that also Mashallah they've grown up now. And they've got beards or mustaches, whatever,

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their voices are kind of broken.

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And, you know, they've got Adam's apples sticking out. And, you know, they've kind of calmed down, okay, and they want to focus in life now. And they want to do what they what they're good at, okay, the one is care for the studies and do do well, in the studies. In between that period, year eight, year nine, and partially attend, they go through a phase, what we teach is new, that they're going to go through this boisterous stage, where they all change, hormonal changes are going in.

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And what happens is they kind of growing from Boys to Men, and they really challenge you at that age, girls, it happens between the age of about 11 to about 13. So it's a Sunday earlier for girls.

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And slightly later for, for for boys.

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Now, what then happens is, you get to a a part where you feel so behind Allah nauseam, you know,

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you've, you're dealing with the worst of that child's life, that they can't understand what's happening to them. And if you smack them or hit them, or if you scold them, or if you if you treat them in a way where they feel that the world is against us, or why these adults making so many rules, okay? They go through this phase, where they can't fully understand what's happening, you know, the suddenly growing into these, you know, the growing one foot tall with the within a space of one month, one, two years, okay? They are now becoming semi adults. And they kind of feel

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they know everything, they kind of feel they're really smart. They're smarter than you, you're What do you know, you know, the better you are

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the smartphones, the better better than you on the laptop, the better than you in, you know, much of the stuff that is modern and new to them, which is, which is something that you're having a difficult time catching up in.

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Now, here's the here's the problem. If you can't balance the discipline, you're going to break these kids. And I've seen that happen more than enough. And just this week, I've had a couple of calls. And it's really concerned me I mean, these are now you know, boys or girls who reach reach the end of their teenagers. And the parents didn't get the balance, right? So there's two things that parents get wrong. One is to assume that the more you give them,

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the more obedient they're going to become. And that is wrong.

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Because there's got to be a balance between giving them and not giving them because the moment you give them yes, it creates a love.

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But the time you don't give them you give them the opportunity to have supper and patience. So when you give them it sugar, and you create a sense of appreciation within them. But if you carry on giving, giving, giving, giving, then they lose that they lose that mindset of sugar, sugar, it becomes normal, normal to receive a lot of things from parents, but the other side to it

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That if you don't give them anything at all, it creates a resentful sort of heart and heart that dislikes this individual because you're not giving anything. So you need to give something and give some things. But you can't go over the top. Because if you go over the top, then the sugar element is gone, that element of appreciation is gone.

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But at the same time, if you haven't developed the space that it needs for support and patience, because all humans need to grow up, part of growing up as a human being is sub. And this suburb only comes when you give it some space for suburbs. So there's got to be an opportunity while your child is young. And they've been tested, tested with siblings rivalry, they've been tested with not having what they want, tested with long journeys together, testing the people in their own space and private space tested with having to put up with family functions and meet people and greet them and test it also with loneliness, loneliness, and all the opposites, I've got to be tested with all the

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opposite. So not traveling anywhere, I've been tested with that traveling somewhere been tested with that, having a lot of people around them have get tested with that, having people around them that they don't, they don't want to talk to having people around them that they do want to talk to getting too chatty, becoming less chatty and reserved, every opposite needs to be created in the environment as the therapy is being done. And sugar and southern need to be, you know, equally balanced. So you give them enough that they appreciate things, but you don't give them enough that you create the zone for supper. And when they display the subber for you, and they're able to show

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that you know what, in life, I won't get everything I want. But I'm still going to be happy and you know, get on with life. You've done a job. Okay? Now when it comes to discipline, let me give an example now.

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And I'm spending this extra time with you there's been quite a few days, I haven't posted any videos, I thought do let me give you something I'm actually traveling at the moment quite a bit. So I'm not getting the time to send you regular videos every day. But But let me give you the this particular video and give you my time here.

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This this week, I've been traveling and I saw that, you know my 12 year old was turning 13

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he's kind of going through the same stage, right. And I can't suddenly depriving of everything that he's got. I've given him a lot as a dad.

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But and I also can't just you know, the country's got law, you can't smash children and blah, blah. Okay, so we've got to respect that law as well. So what do I do, especially as an Imam, what do I do so one of the things I did is that he has got in a PlayStation four, and he loves his PlayStation time now, we've already very clearly balanced the amount of time that he can spend with his PlayStation four. So outside of the school holidays, they can only can weekends, and even then it's limited amount of time. Okay, that's with all the children.

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But now comes the holidays, obviously, they want to try and play every single day. But if you give them too much PlayStation, or Xbox, or whatever console gaming is over on the tabs and the tablets, and whatever it is, right? You watch them there play that. And a lot of

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you know, a lot of chemicals are being released in their brain because of the stimulator receiving and playing these games and they feel that they feel that they know the lock in a zone and their brain speed is you know, probably going like a process.

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And as they play and they play it creates a world of excitement and glory. And you know, you're going from one level to another level and it makes them feel really good. And suddenly

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you turn off the the computer or you turn off the console games. And you only turn off the tablets and technology and the kind of feel that the speed in the brain, you know,

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it doesn't feel nice to have all of that energy in the brain to come down again. Now they've got to deal with the normal world. And if you give them too many hours of this, you you notice this okay? I want you to comment on this later on parents, right, you will notice that the kids will fight with one another. Because what's happening is so much energy build up. This is and you suddenly switched off all the computers and the images to burning inside and looking for some stimuli and they can't find the same world they had and then attend to each other. Alright, you see them very quickly. messing

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Run with each other, getting into the scrubs and, you know, probably getting wanting to do something but they just can't find enough to do. And then you've got this problem inside your house, which is, you know, you got to discipline them now. Okay? And all these behavioral issues come up. And you got to think, what's wrong with you? Because I just gave you everything you wanted. You've been playing games, and you've had fun. And you know, he must be loving life. Yeah. And when we were young, we never had all of this and you thinking, What's wrong with you? Well, you got to stop in your tracks. And you got to think that you know what? These things you've given the kids, they're the things that

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are messing them up. So what I did is instead of banning him from PlayStation four, banning him from loads of games, no, I didn't do that. Okay. What I've kept in my house, for the record is, I've got a lot of games that they play, which which, which is interactive, which is to do with real, tangible games. So for example, Lego, building things, having you know, their own board games, you've got loads of board games at home, so they can play those and, Mashallah, if you just switch off all these things, and you let them go. Eventually, they calm down the brain levels Calm down, and they'll be playing those games. Okay, we've got the football, we've got, you know, foosball for

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them, we've got table tennis, we've got pool, we've got games, that physical, tangible game they can play, where they can interact with one another. However, what happens is, what I worked out, is this one way or discipline the child,

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he's got a game that he really liked. Okay? Something called paladins, or something, I don't even know half these games. Okay.

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So when his behavioral issues became a problem, I said to him that he can't play that game. So it's a one game. So you banned him from one game to note, you can play that game because he really likes that game. And I noticed that every time he plays that game, or his, you know, he's playing with his cousins online or something, it kind of creates an extra energy boost inside him. And because of the lack of that, after the games, he becomes even more boisterous and more challenging. So abanda game Now, obviously, it's going to hurt him and he gets disciplined that sense, he can play up the games fine. But you know what, he calmed down. Right? But abandoned for about a week. I didn't tell him a

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week straightaway. I said, I said a few days. And now it's been a week. Now, as we're traveling, I noticed that, you know, again, the rivalry in the background of the cars, do my head into my wife's head in and it's happened sky, look, it's normal for children to do this. Now. How do you discipline them? So what I did is I said, Okay, fine, you know, you want to do you want to stop, you know, fighting with each other, you know, shouting,

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you want to do all of that. And it's in my head, and my wife said in, I said, Fine, when you go home, you're not playing anything.

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You're not playing any of these technological games, you can play other games, the tangible ones are always available.

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But the but the ones that have the technology, like the ps4, or the tablets, or anything else, but everything, now, it's really helpful. If you can minimize that, or banning, or, you know, for a period of time, you don't want to keep for too long, okay?

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So that you can see the discipline, you know, get balanced again, right? You don't have to smack them hit them, or, you know, scold them or tell them badly off, because I'm seeing the other side to this. As a mom, I'm getting, I'm getting calls from people. And one particular, you know, call involves these teenagers that are coming to the end of the teenage life. But because of the period between sort of 11 and 15, wasn't managed very well.

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It has adverse effects. Okay. If you discipline your children, please remember this, this is the bottom line of what I'm going to give you.

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The bottom line is that the love they have for you should never go away, even when you're disciplining them, if you can achieve that level. And you've always maintained that you're on the right track. At the same time, they shouldn't feel audacious enough to say what they want to you to do what they want to because that you don't want to do anything, okay? So make sure it never gets to that level. So there is definitely clear line that you better not cross this line. Okay, there's got to be that otherwise timeout, you know, this, that and so on, right? But at the same time, you

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know you've got to maintain the love. Okay? So what I mean by this, I want you to picture this. You've got, you've got someone in your adult world when you were young, they used to discipline you, or sometimes would say things to you, and you kind of hated them. Because you knew deep down inside, they never liked you. Okay, that never said that to you. But you felt it. All right? I know you did. Because I've got people like that in my life. And there's other people who you had in your life who disciplined you. And you kind of felt inside yourself that you know what, I like this person, because this person cares for me, even though they tell me off, man, again, they care for me, right?

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That's the difference, you want to be on the second side, which is they know you love them, they know you care for them, they know that even though you discipline them, the love is there, the respect is there. But also you draw a clear line, that's very important that if they cross that line, then there are going to be consequences, and you're not going to go easy on them. Right? If they see that, that's how you balance the discipline and get them through that stage of life. And if you can get them to the stage of life, and the love and respect is there, you've given enough for them to appreciate you, but you haven't given enough that you you keep a zone there that you create

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the zone for suburbs and patients and you balance the two and sugar appreciation suburb patients. And you do both. And you kind of take him through that up and down that whole stage from 11 till about 15. All right, and hamdulillah now you will have kids inshallah, that will still be disciplined, but they'll respect you, they love you, they'll appreciate you, they'll see you as an authority. If you break that relationship, because you did something wrong in there, and you got the balance wrong. Unfortunately, you're going to feel the other end of this. And that means that you've got children that

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could be monsters, okay.

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They could turn around, totally feeling that they hate you

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that they want to, you know, possibly

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attack you. They might physically, you know, threaten you may Allah forbid, but these are the dangers that you're facing on the other side. Okay, so, last talked about Amazon in the Quran, Surah Rahman, which is a balance in life, you can always balance it 100, everything's fine. All right, so let me give an example. You're in a room and the temperature, you want it to be between 21 and 23 degrees Celsius. So if you keep it at, then you're fine. If you have less than 21 degrees, you're going to feel cold. If you have more than 23 degrees, you feel hot. If you keep the in between, you're fine. But to balance that, sometimes you have to open the windows. And sometimes you have to

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keep the heating on. And sometimes you have to put the heating off. And sometimes you have to just close the windows and not not do anything at all. And you got to regulate the temperature in between, it will get too hot sometimes, but other times it's going to get too cold. So you're going to heat it up when it's too cold, you're going to put it when it gets too hot. And that's a balance with children exactly the same thing. You're going to keep it in that zone, it's it's sometimes challenging. And if you can carry on doing that, you've hit the right spot, and insha Allah, Allah Your kids will grow to love you appreciate things have suburbs, where is needed, and they'll be

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obedient children Sharla Okay, so I make sure that, you know, all parents and others who are with children are able to take this on board, and do the best for children inshallah, and I've got my own challenges, you've got your own challenges, but, you know, if we follow the right guidelines, inshallah, we'll make it through this in sha Allah.

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And at some point, you got to feel that, you know, children have grown up to adulthood, right? I mean, there's one parent who was who was treating their children like a kid at the age of 1516. That's wrong. Okay? If they're 1516, give them the respect of a 1516 year old, and they'll give you the respect of a 3540 year old or a 45 year old. If you give the respect of a 12 year old and you still disciplined and talk to them nicely, they'll still respect and somewhat respect you and talk to you nice that they have 3233 35, whatever you are, but if you kind of kind of belittle them, look down on them and just, you know, make them feel that they're nothing, they're worth nothing, and

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there's kind of bit of a hatred there. Then they'll do the same thing with you. We know that that's the thing.

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And what goes What goes around comes around. So my last job, he was still fearful and may He make us balanced things rightly and please, you know, they are children. So So get it right inshallah Solomonic

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