Channel: Haleh Banani
Ramadan 2016 – Remedies for Your Marriage – EP 1
June 7, 2016
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Salam aleikum, Ramadan Mubarak. This is the Ramadan remedies for your marriage.
Salaam Alaikum. Welcome to the Ramadan remedies for your marriage. I'm trying something new, I want to be able to encourage everyone to have a better relationship. And I know it's not a high on the agenda. But I think that it's a perfect time. It's a wonderful time to work on your relationship. And here's why. First of all, I want to hear from you. Where are you tuning in from? I'm going to give a couple of minutes for you to get settled. I know it's a it's a bit of a last minute, but we are going to do this and Shall I every Tuesdays and Thursdays. And it's going to be 4pm Central. And I will have a brief talk. And then I want to hear from you. I want to get your questions. I want to
be able to answer all those burning questions in sha Allah. So this is a lot of fun Rahim.
It was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. So we're going to go ahead and get started about the Ramadan remedies for your marriage. Now, why is why is Ramadan, the best time to work on your marriage? First of all, the Shia teen are locked up, they are locked up. And you know that the shaytaan thrives on breaking up marriages, it is one of the highest accomplishments of any shaytaan is to come in between a husband and wife, get them to be upset to get them to fight and get angry and break apart the family because what happens when there's fighting in the home, there's tension. It affects the family, it affects the children. And ultimately it affects the entire society. You see
when a marriage breaks up, you see the number of people who are affected two sides of the family, the kids that friends, everyone is affected. So we want to try our best to work on our marriage to solidify it as we're gaining our eemaan as we are working on ourself, we can also work on the marriage now. So since the Shia team, they are locked up, then there is no one to whisper to us to do the West Switzer writes, is someone coming in telling us you know, pick a fight with your spouse? Oh, come on. Can you imagine? Oh my god, I can't believe they're nagging at you again. This is so annoying. All of that. Is that still happening then is from your own nuts. It's not the shades on
you can't blame anyone here, okay, it's from the shades on. And we need to realize that we need to be working on ourselves. And, and while we're gaining this closeness to Allah while we are fasting, and we are praying, we're doing the Quran and the Torah, we then we
the storage is almost full of a sudden issue. Can you
are sorry about that?
Okay, like I said, this is this the first time that it, we're doing this, so we may have a few technical glitches, it's okay. All right. So we are gaining that closest to Allah by doing our fasting, we are praying, we're doing the title, we and we are extra careful, because some people are fasting some like 1820 hours a day, right? And we're working so hard on ourselves. We don't want to do anything to nullify our fast. We don't want anything to distract us to take away our credit. It's kind of like when you're working on a major research paper, you've been working on it for a whole month. And you've put in hours, sleepless nights effort and researching. You don't want anything to
take away from your grade, you want to get that ultimate grade, right? You want to get that a plus. So while we're fasting, we want to be working on ourselves to make sure that we're not getting points deducted. Because we're getting angry, we're not getting points deducted because we're losing our patience with our spouse, and we are getting angry or we're being rude and nasty to them. Right? Because that's going to take away from our spiritual, spiritual grade in Ramadan. And we also are very mindful, since we are mindful of our actions. Have you ever caught yourself you're fasting and you're about to say something about about another individual and you catch yourself. I'm fasting. I
can't be doing this right now. I don't want to lose my fast or you may be you, you might get really angry and you're about to lose your cool and you're like, you know what, I'm fasting. I'm going to I'm going to keep it cool. I'm going to stay in control. And that because we are mindful of our actions. Let's be mindful
of our relationships, we can just have these spiritual acts that we're doing the rituals in isolation, we're not encouraged to be a hermit, we're not encouraged to only focus on the prayer and look we're on and detached from the world are detached from everyone. The key, the talent is to be able to be connected with the world to have those relationships to have all of your daily activities and yet, maintain your calm and your cold. Now, I know that many people, they don't register marriage improvement on their Ramadan radar, right, that's not the you know, it's not, it's usually not the top five things to accomplish in Ramadan. But think about, think about the reward that you
will gain. By mending your relationship, maybe you maybe you have, you have a really difficult relationship, maybe your marriage is under fire right now maybe you're on the brink of a divorce, don't give up hope. You can change it. This is the month of mercy. This is the month of epi that this is the month that you are doing beyond and you're gaining that closeness. So don't lose hope I had an individual come in just a few days ago. And they were pretty hopeless. So she came in, she found out some things that really hurt and disappointed her in her marriage. And she was really, she was ready to throw in the towel, not only on her marriage, but on her team. And I told her look,
this is the month of mercy you can't give up now you are at the brink of making a change this might be the reason that you you rekindle your relationship. And so you have to believe that there's always hope we can't ever be hopeless. You know, as a believer, we have always got to be hopeful and know that Allah is a sunny his embassy and he sees us, he hears us. And we need to just pray. And we need to make those doors to supplications with all our heart and knowing that Allah is hearing us knowing that our daughter is going to be responded to so never ever feel that your situation is hopeless, you know, come into Ramadan, with the intention that you're going to improve yourself.
You're going to create that closeness to Allah and you're going to improve your marriage and Salah maybe your marriage is already in a good place. Maybe it you know, you don't have major fights and there's not no talks about divorce of hamdulillah. But maybe you're in a you're just at a standstill, it's kind of it's become stagnant. So why not invigorated, why not add some spice to it, make your relationship even better than before with the intention that this is Ramadan, and we're going to improve every aspect of ourselves, not just the prayer, not just the reading of the Quran, not in isolation. We're improving ourselves, we're doing all of these acts of a bother why we're
doing it to be a better person, right? We can't go to the to the moss into the tedavi. And then treat our spouse, disrespectfully. We can't read and be motivated to finish a just a day if we're not connecting if we're not giving our spouse their rights, and that and all the obligations, right. So inshallah, I think what we can do is make that connection between our worship and our relationship, because I really think that sometimes there's a missing link. And that's the only way I can explain why someone knowledgeable, someone who prays that the message to someone who reads the paper on and has all this knowledge will do some really unacceptable things because somehow it's
seen as a ritual and it's seen in isolation. What we need to do is when we, when we do these acts of ritual, we have to derive the fruits of it. Each Other each worship has its fruit, right? Each worship teaches us something it is working on us changing us it should. But because if it's if it's not, if you're not a change person after these rituals after like, let's say, one month of fasting, if you're not different than how you started off, then then there's something may be wrong, maybe there's that disconnect. So we want to make sure we want to start off Ramadan on the right foot. We want to do it with the intention of not simply just reading quickly through the jaws or focus on
only how many times we're gonna finish finished. We're on reading the Koran is an amazing thing and you derive a lot of benefit from it. But let that for on penetrating your heart. Let's understand it and let's apply it right because a lot of times we may even
Read it. And we may even understand that, but it's that application that may be missing. So we want to make sure that we're applying all the things that we're working on those reminders that we are given on a daily basis about the summaries, the summaries of the job, all of that, we need to be applying it with our character with our blog, how we treat the people in our lives. You know, a lot of times people are quite charming, when they're dealing with the outside world, they have that public persona, and they may talk and laugh and be so sweet. And so understanding that and when they come home, they're totally different person. I know. Because I deal with this all the time, when I'm
doing my therapy sessions, I actually had a brother come in and say, you know, don't be, don't be fooled by my kindness, I am a Jekyll and Hyde at home. I am a completely different person, it was very honest, he knew that about himself. And many people struggle with this, many people struggle with the fact that they are sweet and kind with other people. But then when it comes to their own spouse, or their own children, they're very rude. And they're very, they're very disrespectful. So I really encourage all of us that we take all of this beautiful love that we have, it's in there, right? It's there. And we tap into it, when we're dealing maybe with maybe with people that we deem
as important, maybe the people at the mustard when we are dealing with our friends, and we're having a good time. It's really easy to turn it on and to be that sweet, kind, generous person. But what about at home? What is your spouse? Think about you? What do your kids think about you? And I think that that is the most important thing I remember, once suratul Hodge was telling a story, he goes, you know, I've had so many people write about me and give nice compliments. But the best compliment I ever got was from my eight year old son who looked up at me and said, that, you know what, you're a great man. And that really counted because it was the that his son saw him at all different in all
different situations. Right, he had the ability to critique him, because he saw that it wasn't just the public persona, right. And so if we have our spouse, and our children, seeing God's in our best, then then we have been successful. If right now you see a huge discrepancy between how you are outside and how you are inside, then we got a lot of work to do, right? Because unfortunately, when we have these different personas, that is that's kind of the sign of that hypocrisy, and we want to be far away from that specially in this month of Ramadan, we want to clear ourselves from the fog, we want to have nothing to do with any kind of hypocrisy. So the more we are the same outside, as we
are inside, behind closed doors, we can have that same personality as we do when we're outside, then that tells us that we are we're on the right track that we're doing our best. Now, we all slip up from time to time, and it is an It is very natural. We all do that. But it's just about getting back on track, right? It's kind of like if you're driving down the highway, and you you swerve off the road. I just had this experience a little while ago going to California swerved off the road. And then what do you do you immediately swerve back? You're not gonna allow yourself to to go and fall off the cliff, God forbid, right? You just immediately swerve back. So when you see yourself that
you have swerved off the road, maybe you lost your temper, maybe you were rude, maybe you were maybe you were uptight. And you gave an attitude, such as quickly swerve yourself back on the right track. And that is the most important thing. You know, we all make mistakes, but it's all about
how fast you fix yourself. Right? It's about how quickly you come back from a setback, right? How quickly can you come back from a setback? And so never beat the skirt? Always know that there is that way back. And it's really important to realize that Do you ever wonder actually that if you're if your dogs are being accepted if your worship right not you know, most people are fasting right now, is it except that a lot of people dwell on that. And I think a litmus test, a litmus test for your sincerity and your acts of worship being accepted, is how well that is demonstrated in the way that you deal with others. Okay. So if you find that after you did your prayer, then you have a
sense of serenity about you. You have more compassion, your heart has been expanded and your
more loving, and you're more understanding, then know that this inshallah is accepted. If you find that you're praying, and you still react very rudely, and you're inconsistent, I get, I'll give you an example. I was once praying, and it was beyond. And there was a mother praying and a little child who was running around, and she was having a field day with her mom, because she knew she was praying, she can't do anything to her. So she was jumping around when she went into stitute. She jumped on her, and you knew that she felt that this was like, This is naughty. And she just had, you know, she was having a good old time. And I could see, I could sense Can you ever, like hear someone
giving that the breathing, and the tension, like every sujood became a little bit more irritated. And so when we finally gave salaams, I was just waiting for it. I was like, oh, what's gonna happen? And I was just waiting for it. So
of course, she grabbed her child, she walked out of the messages Hall, and I was waiting for it, waiting for it. And then I started hearing, I started hearing that the yelling and the screaming, and I just immediately, I follow it, and I went, and I was shocked with what I saw. I was absolutely shocked that she had put her child in the bathroom, turn the light off, and was holding the door close, so that the child doesn't come up as a form of punishment for what she was doing. And I said, sister, what are you doing, she was well, who was acting out, I said, we just praise beyond, we just made that spiritual connection. I said, open the door right now, turn on the light and let your
child out. Because this is this is terrible. This is this is not the way to teach our children, I and so this is what I'm talking about that when there's a disconnect, so we just pray beyond. And then she goes and she terrifies her child because he was, you know, she was acting out. So we need to always that's our litmus test to make sure that
excuse me, we need to make sure that the Avada the worship that we're doing is demonstrated in our character in the way we treat others in our facial expression, right, we need to show happiness. I remember when I was working at the University of Houston, I was teaching international students English, it was an amazing experience, very enriching. I remember every time that it was during Ramadan, they gave a special meeting, they asked all the teachers to come we have a very special announcement. Everyone has to be here. So we came and we're wondering, what is this special, needing, and it was me and maybe one other Muslim sister, were sitting there. And I was shocked by
the news flash. And by the by this special meeting, this special meeting was because they wanted to announce that it is Ramadan, and the students are going to be extremely cranky, they're tired, and they might snap at you. They may be rude. And just so that all the teachers would be aware and kind of like they were basically saying, guard yourself because these are some angry, uptight, tired students. And I was so sad. I was so ashamed by what these students have the impression that these students had left. They had made Ramadan, basically a a warning, you know, is a warning like they're going to be really nasty. So watch out. That was that's what they associated to Ramadan. So that's
where the disconnect is when you're doing the above and like you're fasting to put on a smile on your face for your spouse, smile at your spouse's charity, right? We may smile at 1000s of people, because you're smiling and people we shouldn't be smiling at right? But when it comes to our spouse, we may not smile at all right? So try our best try your best to make that connection inshallah And see And see how do you react? Right. So it's a long day by you have had a tiring day. Maybe you're back at back from war, and someone has pushed your button, you're hungry, you're tired, you're exhausted. And then your spouse may say that thing that just you know irritates you, how are you
going to act? How are you going to react to that? And that is a good litmus test. Maybe you're the mom who has been taken care of several kids, all the kids are at home. Now. They all want to be entertained, they're bored. They want your attention. 24 seven, you've cooked it's clean. You've done everything and you're exhausted and you're hungry and
And how are you gonna act when your child asks one more time? Mom? What are you gonna do? I'm bored. How are you gonna react to that? I remember I was doing a marriage program. No, it wasn't a marriage. Sorry. It was parenting program at the Allen Masjid. And I was doing a special class on Ramadan. And one mom asked me, she said, so what do I do?
What do I do? How do I handle it? If my kids keep annoying me in Ramadan? I just need them to how do I get them to understand that I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I can't be messed with. I just looked at and I said, Wait a minute, wait, we need a paradigm shift here. Okay? Because if the whole focus of Ramadan becomes Don't mess with me, okay, I'm hungry, I'm tired. And don't mess with me, whether it's my spouse or my kids, then we're definitely not getting the fruits of this, this bother that we're doing. And we're not getting that maximum maximum reward. So our grade is like we're getting, you know, we're, they're deducting points that the points are being deducted minus five minus 10 and
minus 20, what are you going to end up with at the end, right? So we need to make sure that we create a very positive atmosphere at home that we are, you know, we are we are smiling at our spouse to have a positive outlook with our kids. And that all of those fruits of those labor, the labor of abaza are going to be we're going to pick them, because it is very much like planting the seeds, right, you plant the seeds, and then your tree grows, and you have those beautiful, the fruits, you have all those beautiful fruits, they're delicious, they're tantalizing. But you have to go and pick them. Right? If you don't pick them, they just they just drop and they, they go bad they decay. So
we need to pick the fruits of our worship by applying the good character. And so that's going to be really essential. Now, people treat Ramadan, they kind of have one of two extremes, one of two extremes, okay. And the one extreme is when they kind of stopped doing everything, because like, it's Ramadan. And that's what I experienced when I lived in the Middle East. I was there for about eight years. And you couldn't get anything done. I remember we were getting some furniture ordered. And every time we call, they're like, wait, it's Ramadan. That I know, it's Ramadan. Ramadan, wovodat. Where's my furniture? I need my furniture. I need my couch. They're like, Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, we don't really work and Ramadan, we're like, we're and it's not like, okay, they stopped works. I guess they could do extra Avada No, they just stop because it's like, that's, that's just too hard. And I had one of my clients who's in insomnia telling me that almost everyone switches there day and night where they stay up all night, living it up or eating their drinking. And then basically they sleep during the day. And they only get up for the prayers if they get up and said, you know, right before mothra they get up to eat a stop. And that's just you know, it's just shocking. This is shocking, because what is the purpose? What is the purpose of Ramadan is for us to
really gain control of our of our desires, right? If we're sleeping and we're not being tempted then what is the point and I remember one of my dear friends who chose a revert to Islam, Mashallah one of the best sisters I've ever met. She told me when she first embraced Islam, first of all the way she was, she was
working for a missionary she's on her way to go to Brazil. And, and do missionary work. And so Pamela, she walked into the MSA at University of Houston, have done that no one was there. cuz sometimes, sometimes, you know, it says might say the wrong thing and act the wrong way. And it just kind of sometimes pushes people away. But no one was there. She just picked up a pamphlet. And she started reading it. And at the end, it said to become what some of this is what you say. And she just said she took her Shahada. She's wearing her tank top and shorts in the MSA at University of Houston and she became homeless upon a lawn. And at the beginning, she was so cautious. She was so
mindful. Like, I don't want to do anything wrong. So I'm just going to sleep. I'm going to sleep
so I don't mess up. And it was so funny because then she came to realize I think some sisters gave her some advice like sisters is not the way you can like to sleep through your life so you don't mess up. The point is, you know, bite your nerves and she went on to being one
The best dies Michelle, so many people learn from her embrace Islam. And she, she passed on so much knowledge, Mashallah. And it was all because she was a part of sistina she became a part of society should be as productive and, and that's that's the way to do it. So the one extreme is stopping everything being lazy sleeping all day not doing anything. The other extreme is when
people feel like they can't do anything other than Yeah, you know, I even had someone write me in on Facebook saying, Do we need to be doing the current reading for on every second of the day, I feel very guilty and overwhelmed and anxious right now.
You don't have to do every second of the day, you make your intention that you're going to work on yourself, you definitely a lot of time for reading out the brand new a lot time for the prayer and improving yourself. Definitely there should be some shift in our daily schedule. I mean, that's that's the whole point is that we need to be exerting ourselves, right. But that doesn't mean that you you stop working doesn't mean you stop cooking doesn't mean you you stop being a mother and you stop being a spouse, you have to put it all together, right? I mean, the whole objective.
The whole objective is to create that balance and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has taught us to be balanced, he never has to be a hermit, that you just go and you worship in isolation, and never asked us to completely be absorbed. And it's not about being absorbed in the dunya. And it's not just being absorbed in the team, you have to combine these two, you had that that takes wisdom that takes diplomacy that takes strength and hard work. And if you can do that, where you are going to work and yet the you are maintaining your let's say total weight, you are helping out with the house with the kids with your spouse, and you are doing the you know, just a day because I hear from
a lot of people, it's like everything shuts down, they stop being those important roles. And we need those rules more than ever, right? And then let's let's go back to the whole relationship, right as as a spouse, we really need to be aware that we are not disconnected because it's really easy for everyone to kind of become kind of fly solo, right, do their own thing, sleep at their own time do their own things. But we need to really try to create that unity in the house because it really creates that connection in the bond. And that's why I I mentioned the fact that as you're getting close to a lot as you're working on yourself, then that's a great time to be getting close to your
spouse as well. Because, you know, right now we're on the spiritual high, do you feel the rush, you know, we're talking about feeling the bird, but you feel the rush, the mind rise, it feels so good, right? And you're you're more mindful of your actions, you are controlling yourself, you're controlling your anger, your choice, you should be controlling your anger being more patient. So these are all the ingredients that we need for having a better marriage, right? So I can't tell you the number of clients that come in, and they're having a problem in their marriage, because the timing right, someone loses it, they just get angry. And some people because they can't control the
desire. They go after every single temptation. So now that you're you're, you know, in control of your temptation, you're in control of your naps, and your lower cell, then this is an awesome time, awesome time to reconnect with your spouse. So I hope that you see what an amazing opportunity this is. And this is not something I make up on my own. It's something that Allah has taught us in certain Baqarah, Iowa 87, which is the only first that has discussed Ramadan, in that verse, is embedded the verse The most famous verse regarding and man and wife about the marital relationship, that
they are your Garmin and your Garmin for them. So that's not a coincidence. It is happening for a reason. Allah is telling us that as you fast as you do all this active worship, to gain that taqwa to gain that sense of closeness to Allah that sense of awe that census could solve
Control. At the same time, we need to balance it out by having this beautiful relationship with our spouse. Now, why the analogy like a garment, right? We've heard it hundreds and 1000s of times. And it's always referred to in any, in any lecture about a marriage. And that is saying that nothing comes closer to you than your garments. So this is the most intimate person to you. And so if this person is so intimate, then you need to value you need to value this relationship. That is just like a garment covers your flaws, right? And beautifies you, then you need to beautify your spouse, and you need to cover their flaws, and not talk about them not do husband bashing or wife bashing. We
always want to beautify them. And always realize that in this month of Ramadan, we need to work on our relationships. As much as we're working on ourselves. As much as we're working on our relationship with a lot. Don't forget the people around you, you cannot live this. You cannot live in isolation. You're not an island, you have to be interconnected. You need to be working on your marriage. And this is such a blessed time to be doing it. Like I said,
like I said, the shayateen are locked up. No excuses. No one's doing the West WESA right now that was WESA is just your nuts. And so we need to we don't have that excuse. We're working on ourselves. We're trying to improve our character. And that's what we need. And next time, Thursday, that's what I'm going to talk to you about is that how the changes we're making in our character is going to affect our relationship. So I would like to see if there's some questions that have come in.
I hope you're enjoying this.
Let's see if there are some questions that I can read. Let's see.
Okay, very good question. How can we control when we are angry? That's the tough one, right? Because a lot of times people get angry and they snap, right? They just blurt out something and they they ruin relationships. Now. Why is it that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when he was asked, right? I want you to picture this imagine.
Imagine going to a conference and it's your favorite your all time favorite speaker. And there's this long line. And you have you have been waiting in this line. And you've been waiting to ask a question. And it's finally Your turn. Finally, your turn to go up and ask your all time favorite speaker.
Okay, I'm sorry about that technical problem. But it's all set now. But so you ask your you ask the speaker, you're like, Okay, give me advice. I just want to be a better person. I look up to you. You are you know, you are my inspiration. So please give me advice. And then the speaker just tells you don't be angry. Right? And this is what happened with the prophets. Allah, Allah, Allah, this man was so eager as like, teach me I want to be better, what can I do? And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, Don't be angry. And then he asked again, Okay, I got it. I got that wrote it down. What else? It's like, Don't get angry. And then for the third time to get angry. Now, why is it? Why is it that
it's so important as a therapist, I can tell you, the wisdom, the profound wisdom, in those in that advice, because every relationship you can think of gets destroyed. When anger seeps into it. Whether that's a mother, daughter, mother, son, whether that's with the in laws, with your spouse, at work with your co workers, every relationship will be destroyed, if you allow anger to get in the way. So
the best way to control it, first of all, I think during this month is that, that when you are God conscious, it's like knowing that there's a surveillance camera, like if there's a camera, and everything you're doing is being recorded, you'll be very, very careful, right? And I remember seeing one of the books I was reading about parenting and said, act in a way when you're in a fight with your spouse act as if it's going to be broadcasted on the seven o'clock news. How would you act boy you'll be all a lot different writers be like, no sweetheart after you Why didn't you express your I want to really understand what you're saying would be totally different, right? So this idea
of knowing that there is a surveillance, being God conscious, and then it's really important to do some deep breathing. Try this with me, okay. I do this with my clients all the time, and it's
pretty helpful, okay. And I have found that that most people don't know anything about deep breathing, I tell them to deep breathe, and they're like, that's not deep breathing. Okay? The way you do deep breathing is that you breathe in through your nose for five counts, then you, then you hold it for five counts, and then you breathe out through your mouth. So you breathe in,
breathe. Ah, okay. So that if you do that four or five times, let's try it again. Breathe in,
and breathe out.
Okay, so once you do this four or five times, then you're going to be a lot calmer. And then you need to say calming things to yourself. Because if you're saying, I can't believe you did that, I'm going to get it right now. Okay, if you started that, that self talk is going to really destroy you. So you need to be saying, I'm calm, everything's gonna be fine. And it's basically and if you need to take it, take a little break, if you need to, you know, step outside, but please tell the person you're stepping out because you want to stay calm, don't just, you know, walk out of the room or walk out of the house, because that can really fire people up. So just step up to you know, I don't
want to say anything disrespectful. I'm just I'm a little bit agitated right now I need, I need five minutes, I need 30 minutes, I need to just calm down a little bit. So try doing that inshallah, I have actually hold like two TV programs on anger management that you could get on my website, Khalid banani.com, and there's just some free videos that could help you inshallah, because I'll go into much more details.
All right, so we have, let's see if there's some other questions.
Okay, I would love to get some pointers on disciplining, disciplining the kids. Okay, we're focusing on, we're focusing on marriage in this video. But as far as discipline, remember, I just put a post a couple of days ago, that discipline is about teaching. It's about teaching, not punishing. So try to focus on teaching your child, we have a, we have a habit of getting our kids to redo. So let's say they overreact and it's like, okay, go back, go back up the stairs, come back. Let me get the right reaction and and he gets you give them a chance to redeem themselves. So
that's what I would recommend. What if the spouse is just so consumed with dunya such as work and friends, and isn't really giving the time to house and kids and spouse? How should the wife approach him? Okay. This is one of the most common complaints that I get a lot of sisters complain about the fact that their, that their spouse is just not around is not giving them the time. They're not. They're not there. And I know I know that there is a lot of I know that there are a lot of workaholics, I know that there are a lot of men out there who do get absorbed and it is a reality. Now, what I do with my clients is I started asking the sister a few questions, a few basic questions
like, Okay, what is the atmosphere at home when he comes? Our things, you know? Or do you have things set up for him? Is food ready? How do you how do you approach him? How are you dress? What are you? What is your conversation? What do you talk about? And then I start asking that, I find that the sisters starts feeling really guilty? And just like Well, no, I don't really, I don't really to breed him. And I you know, I'm just in my sweats. Kids spin Yeah, and it gets charged, maybe like spat up on her. Maybe me and sometimes son, son, son, sisters do give their all and yet the husband is still like that. But if you have not done these things, if you're not making the
environment conducive for your spouse to enjoy his time at home or making your, your interaction enjoyable, then that might be the reason. So try those things. Try to be like not to unload right when he comes home, try to create a positive association to him being at home. And if he's still totally consumed, you need to see what else is going on. There might be other things that there may be some other reasons and maybe have a heart to heart talk and say, is there anything that I could do to to make sure that your stay at home like is is more comfortable and find that have that conversation? And if you still feel like you're not making the connection, it might be helpful to
have a third party have you know, consultant, consult a professional Okay. Let's see.
I'm alone all day at home alone with the kids. It is wrong for me to ask him to break the fast with me and then go for Tata wheat
The Oh, is it wrong for me? Is it wrong for me to ask him to break the fast with me and then go for totally to the mosque, I feel lonely when I break the fast alone, I feel for you, sister. we all we all like to, we all like to have that, you know, connection, maybe you can make a compromise, okay, so what you could do,
maybe you can go to the masjid with them, like you have your dates have date and water, maybe add the message, you pray your macro prayer together, and then you come home, have your dinner and then go for Title II, that might be a way to have that connection, right? Because it's not fun to eat, to eat your star alone.
Or is if you're not joining him for the star, then maybe you could just break your fast and wait for him after my prayers that you could eat together. That with the tidal wave that would be kind of tough. I would highly recommend if if you could have that time together and and eat your meals brothers, it's really important to like I was saying to create that balance. I mean, it's wonderful to be connected to the, to the messages. I know there's so much excitement, you see all the brothers and it's just the spirit of Ramadan is amazing. That put your family on the agenda, make sure that you're having time with them, make sure you're having a meal at least one meal a day. I mean, you're
getting up for support together, you're eating this god, this is what's going to bond you together. Okay.
My mother in law is my test and this slide. You're not alone. I hear this all the time. I don't like the power she has over me. Where I get okay. When I get when I get angry over the hurtful comments. I never answer back but I can't let it go either. That just drives me crazy. Okay, that just drives me crazy. I want to get get her out of my life. What should I do? Okay, now, I you know, I have a lot of follow up questions, which so I'm not sure if she's living with you or not? If she is definitely that's a that's a much bigger test. Because, you know, she's just always there. And I have had people that are in that circumstance, I know that there are some cultures that that's just
the norm you live with the in laws. And it is it is a big test. Now, what I would like to what I'd like to tell you is that every difficult person in your life is a test and is there to teach you something and I've I've had clients that have had the same issues with their in laws. And I asked them like, you know, what is it that you can learn? What is it? What do you think that you can derive from this relationship? And they tell me, you know, maybe, maybe there's just the fact that I can be patient, maybe the fact that it humbles me, there's so many, there's so much wisdom in it. But I want you to look at the relationship, look at that person, whether it's your mother in law,
your own mother, whoever it is, as an adger making machine, that they are the reason you are going to make massive, you're going to rake in the adger because of them, because I'm so glad that you don't talk back and I'm so glad that you take it in, but then get it out of your system to you know, don't allow it to build up and, and create this kind of tension inside. So do your best realize that whatever you're dealing with, you know, it's not going unnoticed. As long as you take the you take the higher road and you keep your dignity and you are kind and you're loving, there is an expression that says you know, with kindness, metal can be melt, okay, and you can turn vinegar into into
honey. So just continuously give love and respect, even though it may not be completely like what you're feeling, but continue to do that and over time. And I've seen this and so many of my own personal relationship over time, their hearts do soften and you can improve your relationship. Okay?
Sometimes one just gets tired of tolerating someone's behavior and you yourself lose control and get frustrated. What is the end to patience? What is the end to patients if that behavior gets on your nerves? What is the end to patience? Okay, well, it's very common to get frustrated whether that's from our spouse, family members, our friends, our children, you know that you know, we have certain triggers, okay. And this is one of the things I teach my clients is that be aware of your triggers. And then you need to deactivate them the activate those triggers because if you know that this thing is going to really
get on your nerves, then tell yourself that you know what, I'm going to just do some deep breathing, and I'm going to let it go. You know, when your child your older son or daughter is picking on the younger one, and just teasing and teasing and teasing, and the other one is crying, stop it stop, and they complain to him, what do you what do you tell the younger one, show that it doesn't affect you. If you act like you're not bothered, if you stop the crying, if you stop reacting, that person is going to get tired and stop. Right? So that's what I mean about deactivating your triggers. So if you have certain triggers, and you are aware of it, just tell yourself that you know what, I'm going
to gain control. And we can I know, it may seem like no, they just press my buttons. Well, why are you giving them the remote control of your, you know, of your emotional stability, because they're going to be like, they're gonna have so much fun, especially with kids, right? Kids spouse, so do not hand over that remote control don't have a lot more buttons you have, the easier you're going to be provoked. So try to minimize those triggers, become aware of them and then deactivate them. Okay. Let's see.
Okay, let's see, there is, I guess this was the one who was asking about the motherlode just like last year, at your inshallah I can give her respect but love. I'm not so big. I'm not so big
or not so big. You will be big and shot by the end of Ramadan. You're going to be eaten and have a humongous heart inshallah. But I understand. You may not love the person or not okay, you're not, you're not told to become like, let's say your sister in law's best friend or your mother in law's best friend. But just be respectful. Okay, be respectful, be kind. But if it's not coming from your heart, even if it's not coming from your heart, do it anyway. because let me tell you every time you pray, do you feel cool shoe every single time? Are you in tears? It doesn't happen every time right? But do you still pray? Absolutely. You're gonna pray regardless of whether you're feeling it or not.
And that's the same thing in relationships, whether that's your spouse, or that's your mother in law or whoever it is, just do it because of the sake of a law and inshallah you get the reward for it.
All right, how can youth convince their parents about getting married? In most Dacey families, the norm is 2526, which means those who are 2021 are expected to wait a while. That's a big one. I know that marriage is, is a is a big issue. And hopefully next time I'm going to address this I try my best to talk to the to the you know, the moms and the dads and telling you if we need to be open minded, we need to realize that our kids, they really have to have a say in who they marry. And that's the only way they're, they're going to be content. We can't, we can't force it on them. We can't force the timing, we can't force the person. So I need to, I need to call it a day now. I'm
very glad that you tuned in. Thank you so much for tuning in, tuning in to Ramadan remedies. I want you to like this. Give me comments if you have questions and maybe I can answer it next time. It's going to be Thursday at 4pm Central Time. Hopefully you can get yourself your family and your friends to tune in. And if you'd like this I have I have a whole marriage program called the five pillars of marriage. If you're really serious about working on your marriage, you can look that up inshallah. So disciple affair and Salam aleikum, see Thursday inshallah