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Marriage Masters Know This Secret To Lasting Love

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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How is humor essential for a great marriage? Well, I will tell you four things that will definitely have a huge impact in your marriage. Right now, marriages are under so much stress with since the pandemic, the lockdown stress of maybe not working or working too much. And we need to have an outlet, we need to have a good healthy outlet within our marriages so that the tension doesn't build up so that people are not running to divorce every every time they get into an argument. And so the answer is being able to have a sense of humor about yourself and about your marriage, Salaam Alaikum. This is how the banani and here with you on marriage mending Monday, right. So I want to be

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able to share some tips. And some of the some some of the things I have witnessed, with, with all the people that I've been working with. And I see that a lot of times, people take very small issues, and then they blow it up out of proportion, right. And it is because everyone is serious, they're serious about themselves. They're serious about what is happening. And it just, it all gets out of control. So first thing, we need to have a good sense of humor about ourselves, we need to be able to laugh about ourselves, we all make mistakes, we all have shortcomings, we you know we are going we're bound to, to do things that we may not be very proud of. And being able to laugh at

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yourself being able to recognize that you have a shortcoming, that you are not perfect that you're not expected to be perfect. And being able to just accept that will really release a lot of the tension. Individuals who expect perfection from themselves or from their spouse. What ends up happening is that they It is as if they have a very severe sunburn very severe sunburn, what happens when someone has a severe sunburn. Even if you're touched lightly, then you you react to it. Okay? Not that it's not really hurting because it does hurt when you have this extreme sunburn, any form of touch, even wearing a shirt can have a very burning sensation. However, if we become aware that

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we are constantly having this severe sunburn, there's something within us if we're

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excessively sensitive, if every criticism, every comment, everything makes us upset and frustrated, and we overreact, then there's something within us that we have to change. And part of the way that you can resolve this is by being able to laugh at yourself to laugh at the fact that you made a mistake laugh at the fact that he missed the exit for the third time, okay? I'm not very good with the sense of direction. And even with the GPS, I can make mistakes. So anytime I'm out with my daughter, and we're we get caught up talking and we're sharing and so I get distracted. And we will you know, we will take the wrong exit and especially when it's in downtown Dallas, this happens all

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the time. And you know what I what I try to do, instead of getting tense and frustrated and upset, I just laugh about it. And I'm like, imagine how mom was without the GPS. I always had to allot time for being lost because this was you know, this is this is my shortcoming and I can I can laugh about it. You know, another shortcoming is you know, my my ability to keep up let's say with the with the laundry that that's a very daunting task for me. Some people have it down, it's easy for them, they enjoy it. I actually had someone say they love doing the laundry. I don't get it, but to each his own, but I can laugh about it. And I actually remember telling a friend of mine that

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you know, that would that is one of the things that my husband teases me about because before now Alhamdulillah I think I got but when we first got married, I would shrink all his clothes. You know, I just I don't know I put in the dryer too long. I watched it on TV. So he would call me the shrink or you know side was shrinking his clothes now. If I took it very if I took it very seriously, and then I would get very offended like oh my gosh, he's he is picking on me. He's criticizing me. No, I just laughed. I knew I knew that I have this shortcoming. I know. I'm not good at it. So it's not a big deal. And you have to be able to do that. laugh at yourself. laugh at yourself next time you

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make a mistake not to take lightly not to take the mistake lightly. If you've done a huge offense, it's not about not taking it seriously. But when it's the little things when you have those shortcomings and if you're able to

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To laugh at yourself, then you're going to get along with people so much better because there are individuals who are very light hearted and they're easy to get along with. And then there are those who you know, you can't mess with because every little thing is going to tick them off. Right? They're like ticking time bombs, or they're everyone talks about them as if like they're walking on eggshells. I can't do this. I can't say that. Why would you want anyone to feel that around you? Right? That is very dysfunctional. If people in your life, if your husband, if your wife, if your kids, if anybody in your life had that, if they have to walk around on eggshells, you have the

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issue, okay. And it's hard to come to terms with that. But it's very important to realize, because people shouldn't be on eggshells, when they are talking with you. So really take ownership of that and say, You know what, from now on, instead of being offended, I'm going to, I'm going to laugh about it, I'm going to be able to take myself as a little less seriously. And that way, people will just be a little bit more relaxed. And I can't tell you how relieving this will be for people, I'm telling you, it is so essential, you know, in the pillar number two of my five pillars of marriage program, I talked about building, you know, building a genuine friendship and connection. And part

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of it is being able to just be be playful, and not to take things in such a in such a serious way. So one of the things, let's talk about the benefits of having a sense of humor, first of all, it releases the hormone oxytocin, and that is referred to as the, you know, the happy hormone, the cuddle hormone, because when you release it, you actually it increases your connectedness, and it makes you bond with another person more. So if you're able to, you know, to laugh with your spouse, and you're able to laugh, especially about yourself, then you're going to create a, a stronger connection. So the same goes, you know, we always say those who pray together, stay together, I like

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to also add to that those who laugh together, stay together. Because when when you're able to have fun, and you're able to connect on that level, then that life just becomes so much more pleasant. So the second thing is that it actually reduces stress, we have so much stress, whether you're tuning into the news, whether it's your work, whether it's the kids, it's the expenses, there's just so much stress, we don't need to add to it, right. And for many people, marriage is the biggest source of stress, I hear this on a daily basis from the, from the dozens of clients that I work with. And they will tell me that their marriage is their biggest test. So your marriage is your biggest test,

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I feel for you, I know that it's not easy. I know that it's a definitely a struggle, because this is a person you deal with on a daily basis. But you know, what you have a choice to make, you can either make the situation better, or you can make it worse, you can either increase your stress by being very tense all the time and adding to the, you know, adding fuel to the fire or you can reduce it. So when when you're able to laugh, and you're able to have a good sense of humor, you're actually releasing endorphins. So why do we have oxytocin that's, you know, the the feel good hormone, the cuddle hormone, then we have endorphins, which makes you feel elated. So imagine you

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have this going on, internally. So that's going to affect the way that you deal with your spouse. So you need to try to increase that. And it also it puts things into perspective. It puts things into perspective. When you are happy, you know when you look at things and I tell my clients look at things the way a comedian would look at things right with put on the comedian glasses, okay, and see, what can you find within this situation that is funny. And you have to be careful, I'm not telling you to make fun of your spouse that goes in under the realm of sarcasm and that's not taken well. So if you're being funny, both of you should be laughing sarcasm is when you think something

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is hilarious and your spouse has their feelings hurt or they may be in tears. Okay? That's very different. I'm not telling you to like make fun of your spouse but you're if you're able to just see the humor in it. Think of yourself as that comedian say, what would a comedian like what would be the twist? Right? Because that's what's very

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that's very, something very amazing about comedian

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Is that they take something very mundane. There's a comedian I really like it's like Sebastian and he's hilarious. He'll take a very mundane situation, ordering burrito.

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I don't know, where was it at what are these restaurants are at Subway right? And he'll take that mundane situation makes it hilarious by just the way he's looking at it right? So try to look at the humor within yourself within what's happening, even if it's a stressful situation and see how drastically the mood changes. When you're able when one of you is able to laugh when you one of you is able to be funny, when one of you is able to just like you know, be a little less tense, then this is very contagious. Okay, when you're, you're being playful, and you're funny, and you're kind of more relaxed, and this is contagious. And the same thing, stress is contagious. negativity is

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contagious, when you're around someone who's negative all the time, and all they're doing is complaining. And all they're doing is whining about things, well, that's gonna rub off on you, right? So why not be responsible for that energy, right, give off that positive energy. So it reduces stress. And it does put things into perspective for us. Because you could really get caught up on little annoying behavior, okay, your, your spouse is going to have a list of annoying behavior. Come on, we'll be let's be real. Those of you who just got married and you're in lala land, okay, I'm so happy for you. And may Your honeymoon lasts a lifetime. Those who have been

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married anywhere from 710 20 years, you know what I'm talking about? Okay, I give talks at weddings. And you know, when I when I talk about how your spouse could be annoying one day, so they're just looking at each other night you sweetheart, nothing could annoy me about you, right? And everyone else is saying, Yeah, yeah, just give it time, right. And it happens. And it's not about being pessimistic. It's just the reality of life, that certain things you're going to admire about your spouse, certain things you're going to love about your spouse, certain things are going to be annoying, and that's fine, but it's how you deal with it, right? So if you take those annoying

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behavior, and you're just repeating it to yourself, and you're just saying, they're so annoying, I can't stand them. I hate that some people keep saying these negative things to themselves. And that's not going to do anyone any good, right? But you got to really recognize that these things are their petty, right? Most of the things we get annoyed from, I don't know how the toothpaste is squeezed, where the shoes are, how they brush their teeth, how they like, I don't know where they put their cup,

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whether it's in the sink, or on the counter, I had one couple that came in and he was like, ready to get a divorce from his wife because she puts banana peels on the counter, banana peels on the counter. I'm like, Guys, you can really resolve this.

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It really, really like telling the woman please can you please get the banana peel in the darn trashcan, you don't have to end your marriage because of this. So sometimes, when we're not able to be when we're not able to have a sense of humor, and we're so tense and uptight about everything, then yes, then then a banana peel could lead to divorce. I've had people telling me that, you know, one lady came in, she was just crying. And I'm thinking twice they were she was just recently married three, four months. She was just crying profusely. And I thought, Oh, my God, what happened? What did he do with their domestic violence? Did he cheat What the heck happened? And she's like,

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well, he snores. And she was really considering divorce. So we we see that we may see the absurdity in that but a lot of things that you're fighting about in your marriage, it might be just as absurd, right? So we need to kind of put things into perspective, recognize that there are many things that you can kind of take a little bit lightly, you can have a better sense of humor about it. laugh at yourself. Laugh at the situation, don't laugh at your spouse. Don't misquote me Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying you know, make fun of your spouse I am saying make fun of the scene of the situation the predicament and you know your spouse best, right? You look at you know your spouse, and you know

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that if there are certain things that they may be very sensitive about, okay? Like if you're, if your wife is very sensitive about her weight, don't make it don't crack a joke about about being fat. Okay, if your spouse is very sensitive about I don't know, whatever it is his his mother, don't crack a joke about it, you know? So you have to use some wisdom. When you're being funny. You have to use some sensitivity you want to you want to be sensitive.

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If you want to know your you have to know your audience, right as a comedian, comedians have to know their audience. So if there's a and some comedians who travel internationally, it's funny because they will say that my jokes, they don't go over very well actually, I traveled to the UK, I was doing like a six city tour. And, and I like to crack jokes in my talk to make it light hearted to keep everyone's attention. And I just, they just were not getting it. They were not getting my jokes. And I was always I was like, gosh, such a different audience, right. So if you really need to know your audience, meaning you need to know your spouse, you need to know what they would find

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funny what they would find offensive, steer away from anything that would make them feel offended. And try to lighten the mood, try to lighten the mood. And first and foremost, just loosen up a little bit. Don't take everything as this criticism and being all offended, just you know, just relax, relax a little bit, do a little bit of deep breathing, and really bring the sense of like humor. And when you bring humor into your marriage, it just makes life so much more fun. You know, whenever you're able to laugh with someone whenever you're able to.

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You're able to share share happy moments, but listen to funny things. This is what adds to the beauty of life because we already have as I said, a long list of things to worry about so many stresses, so many issues. So why not make an effort to make your marriage a bit more fun. Okay, and Mashallah. Tabata Khaled This is something that my husband and I, we practiced, you know, on a daily basis, we've been happily married Alhamdulillah for the past 25 years. And this is, I think that this makes a huge difference. We've been tested tremendously. We've lived in three different countries, we've had so many issues that have come up, it's not that we haven't had, we haven't had

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tests or trials or tribulations, we've had many of them. But it's just putting things into perspective and learning how to deal with those challenges so that it doesn't take over and it doesn't take the joy out of life, right. So I pray that you, you are able to add a little bit of humor in your life, add a little bit of laughter in your marriages. And let's let's really try to keep it together. Because I know that the divorce rates have increased. I know so many of my clients were on that brink of divorce because of all the tension that's going on. And so the first also say that this is not a time to make a critical decision like that in middle of a pandemic so much, so

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many uncertainties. So, don't don't make any rash decisions right now. Try to maybe increase your knowledge, you know, learn some marriage skills. I've seen so many people who go through my five pillars of marriage program, hundreds of them, and they have they've been able to save their marriage and even if they're the only ones working on it, so before you give up, give it one last try. Don't give up and inshallah you know thank you sisters and brothers for joining in. Thank you for your sweet comment. Sister melody I appreciate it in sha Allah that I will see tomorrow will be transformational Tuesdays I'm going to talk a little bit about like transformational parenting. So

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tomorrow, same time 1230 inshallah 12:30pm Central, so hope to see you then salaam aleikum. And if, if you like the video and you feel like this will be beneficial to anyone that you know lots of people are struggling in their marriage. So please like it, share it with your friends and family. And if you haven't already subscribed, subscribe to my YouTube channel. And I'm going to be making daily videos in sha Allah for your benefit take care Salaam Alaikum