Channel: Haleh Banani
More life lessons from Haleh Banani on how to be Epic parents to your kids.
© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.
all right, so I'm on a cold Welcome to the parenting class. I apologize for starting a little bit later, I did have a client
that I had to make sure that they're in a good place before coming to the gift this class. So that's Mila Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. But I thought about doing today is making it a q&a question and answer, because I'm sure that all of you come up with, with issues, right, you apply the thing that we're talking about, but you may reach some obstacles. And I just want to make sure that you have the chance to ask your questions on a phone. So I just before we get started with that, I want to remind you that every day, every day that you wake up, you have an opportunity to earn your way to Jenna, by the way you treat your kids, okay, now I know that it can be very overwhelming, you're
tired, you haven't slept, you may have gotten up, I remember my second son, every hour, he would wake up until I thought it was six months. So I know how sleep deprived you can be. I know how, you know, demanding it is they're constantly wanting your attention. I remember I was doing this parenting workshop very early on, my son was only two. And this mom who had several kids, she's like, sometimes, the only piece that I get is when I go to the bathroom, just like I sit in the bathroom.
I don't want anyone to talk to me.
They'll still not right, but you can for a while.
And little fingers little toes under the door. I remember showers Can I mean, you'd be lucky if you can get a shower in, right? I mean, with my firstborn, it's like every two minutes, you have to be like Peekaboo. entertain them, so you don't eat you're like half, you know, just running around. So I know that at times it can be so overwhelming and it can be so tiring. But if you think of it that you by the way, you're raising your kids, by the way, you're interacting with them by all these wonderful things that you're doing. If you do it with that intention that I'm going to earn Jana inshallah, that every step, every time I feed them, every time I change them every time, I'm, you
know, disciplining them with love and kindness and understanding, every time I do these things, then I am, you know, earning those rewards, because it's so easy to go into autopilot, it's so easy to, it's so easy to feel like, Oh, I'm just going through the motions, and not really see the daily benefits of all that you're doing. But I tell you, I'm like, you know, maybe 2025 years older than many of you here, okay. And I can say at this stage of my life, I can see all that hard work that I put in all the times that I you know, I was there for my kids. And I helped them through those things, that it creates that independence and in your heart, you feel content that you gave what you
need to give, right? And hamdulillah I don't feel like any form, any form of guilt and remorse, any kind of feeling of like I should have I would. And that's why like if at this stage of your life, you really embrace it, embrace the role that you have embrace the fact that you have the privilege, okay, not that it's like, Oh, it's such a hassle. I know, we feel that way from time to time, it's natural. But see it as a privilege that you get to raise these kids because I had one of my best friends was never able to have never was able to get pregnant. And she had everything. She had a husband who adored her, she was beautiful. They had the wealth, they had everything, but she
couldn't have a child. And they tried and they you know, did all sorts of procedures that cost 15,000 $20,000 each time it failed. And you know, there's always that part of her that emptiness that it's like I wasn't able to have a child, right. And so when you do have and sometimes when kids are popping out four or five at a time, you have a tendency to take it for granted. You just think like, Oh, this is you know, it's just a given. But in reality, it is truly a blessing is truly a blessing. And when we take advantage of that, and we really look at it with the right attitude, because in psychology, the emphasis is always on our attitude. If we have the right attitude, then
we can achieve things but if we go in with that mentality like there's such a difference
Either burden there preventing me from you know, experiencing life or from my sleep or whatever it is, then it can really affect your whole attitude set it come. So inshallah, you know, tomorrow's a new day we can start even from now, that doesn't matter what you did up until now, if you make that decision, you make a decision that from now on, you're going to be a mindful parent, you're going to really make use of this time, cherish it, embrace it, and look at it as this way that I'm, you know, I'm going to earn Jenna through it because the opposite is true, too, right? Because if we are not putting our effort, if we're not really demonstrating all of the, all of the, the etiquette, the
law, the the compassion, the love, all the things that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam has taught us all the principles of look, we're on about being patient about being forgiving. If we're not applying these things with our own children, then the opposite could occur. So instead of accumulating rewards, we could be accumulating cents, right? We don't want that. We want them to be a source of better cut in our life. And, and, and just always get back on track. Because many times,
many times, we have a tendency to go off track, right? And I always I love to use this example with my clients is that if you're driving, and you suddenly get off course, what do you do?
You're like you're driving. And then I just happened to me this summer where I was driving, and all sudden I lost, I lost balance. And I was about to get off the road, what do you do immediately? To get back on, right? You don't say, Oh, I guess I'll be falling off the bridge now. Right? You don't just let it go. You immediately get yourself back on track, right. And so I think a lot of times,
as parents, we do have a tendency to sometimes overreact to maybe be unfair, be unjust to favoritism, whatever it is that we do. But then we just have to get back on track, and then make sure that we set things right. Okay, so that was just like a little pep talk for all the moms out there and saw law. We
Okay, that's a very good question. The The question is, how do you hold back your anger at the moment of, you know, there pushing all your buttons, that the kids will push all your buttons at the same time and, you know, you experience anger, like I remember, like, the first time I experienced anger, I think was as a mother, mother. Prior to that, I was so easygoing, so laid back like that. But so as a mother, because you're investing so much, right, and they are a reflection of you. So you do have a tendency to be very, what is it called more emotional when they act out? So the best thing you can do is not to be reactionary, right? Because a lot of times when a child acts out, many
people are just they just react, right? It's either, you know, saying words that are hurtful, maybe spanking, lashing out, whatever it is, right? So at that moment, and mature person needs to pause, you need to stop, and you need to think through what you're going to do. Okay. And so one of the best things, so I make
cute, my son,
one of the best things that you can do is first of all, do some deep breathing, because you need to be calm, right? Because what happens I actually know of some therapists who keep a monitor on their clients fingers, you know, heartbeat monitor and just to see if their heart rate heart rate goes to 100 they stopped the therapy. They're like, okay,
we're not getting anywhere. Like it's like, Okay, let's do some deep breathing. They do some calming, because they're like, you know what, what happens when your heart rate is that class, you're not thinking you're not processing, you're not even you, you are really not
capable of making decisions. Okay? So with yourself if you sense that you're getting kind of emotional so that Malaika if you're getting emotional.
I think there is a room for the for the kids. And I think that you can hear right? Is that correct? The room right next door.
Oh, you can hear okay.
Yeah, see if we can do that because I'm just afraid that a lot of people are tuning in from all over and I just want to be respectful to that. But I want you to benefit as well.
So make sure you can come back and join us and she could probably have fun with your son.
A review on what we're talking about, okay. First of all, a quick synopsis is see your kids as a source of earning Jenna, like have the positive attitude that with every interaction every time I, I'm with them, then this is my way to generate so you put more thought into it, you're more positive about it you don't see it as a burden. So that was the this short summary of the introduction. And now we're talking about how to deal with the anger, right. So the main thing is not to be reactionary. You feel it, you control it, okay? Because what did the Prophet sallallahu Sallam say, imagine? Imagine your favorite speaker, each of you think of your favorite speaker, and they happen
to be in town. And you listen to them. And then after the lecture, you wait this long line, you know how to gather that you wait in the long line, because you really want to ask a question, right? So it's finally Your turn, and you go up, and you want to ask him who advised me, okay, you just want them to give you some advice. And then they tell you don't get angry. Okay? Imagine this is what happened with one of the one of the men who went up to the Prophet sallallahu Sallam who is more amazing than the Prophet sallallahu sallam, I don't care who you're thinking. But imagine you have the opportunity to meet with the Prophet sallallahu sallam. So he was so excited, like, advise me
because I want to be a better person. And he said, Don't get angry. He's like, Okay, got it. Got it. Okay, I won't get angry. What else? And he's like, Don't get angry. He's like, okay, don't get angry, don't get angry.
Anything more. And he again, for the third time repeated, don't get angry. Why do you think there's so much emphasis on all the advice he could have said, make sure you pray. Don't forget fasting. Do your cut, you know, out of the five pillars. He didn't choose any of those pillars. Don't forget to go on Hajj, though. He didn't say any of that. What he said was, don't get angry. I want you all to reflect on why do you think?
Okay, so this is an emphasis on the human rights, right? That it's not just about, you know, a lot of people are really good about their personal aboda. Right? They're fasting, they are praying, they are doing all sorts of wonderful things. But when it comes to interacting with others, then you know, you get a lot of conflict, right? So we can't just be someone who worships alone. And then like an isolation, we can't be a hermit, right? worshiping alone in a cave, all it's about our interaction, it's about being in the midst of all the temptation being in the midst of all the problems, and yet keeping it together. Right. And so when he said, Don't get angry, because all of
our relationships are dependent on us not getting angry, what happens in the marriage, if you lash out at your spouse,
it's over, right? Or you're gonna be either you're gonna be miserable, or you're gonna get a divorce or some horrible things are gonna happen, right? What about with your kids if you're constantly angry at them,
especially if they're a teenager or she's like,
but once they become teenager, and if you haven't built that rapport, if you haven't created and all you've done is yell and scream and get angry at them. Then when they're a teenager, they're gonna be like, you can't tell me what to do. And it doesn't have to be that way. Mashallah. Tabata kala, I see many teenagers who are brought up in homes that's loving, that has Islamic Foundation and the principal. And they are exceptional people, that they don't talk back to their parents. They don't do crazy things, you know, so you can aspire for that. somehow we've gotten to accept it as the norm, right? We've gotten to accept all of these acting out like this is what they have to go
through. No, it's the lack of parenting skills in the childhood that leads to that kind of bad behavior once they're a teenager. Right? So so what we're talking about is not getting angry, is the Prophet salallahu Salam emphasizes so much because we can cut salata Rahim, how many people do you know that they have cut their relationship with their brothers and sisters with their parents with their kids? Right. Now it doesn't matter how different your family is. I have a lot of family members who are extremely
Like the extreme opposite of me, but we have to overlook, we have to have that loving nature, we have to not judge and stay united, regardless of our differences, right? So when we see that the Prophet sallallahu Sallam put so much emphasis on this, we have to make sure that we're not falling into that. But what I see with a lot of my clients, and a lot of people who confess in the mosque,
I was doing parenting classes, and Alan and all of you, Allen, people who are tuning in, remember, we were talking about the fact that you know, many people live their daily life with a lot of anger. And they lash out at their kids, right kids and their styles and all of that. So we really, if we've been doing that up until now, let's really commit to stopping.
Yes, now, that's where, okay, that's when you came in.
Okay, so you didn't know the skills, you didn't have the parenting skills. And a lot of people don't, a lot of people don't have the parenting skills. And a lot of people rely on their on what their parents used to do, right. We imitate our parents. And as we've established in this class, and in the other classes that sometimes it's very rare that you have parents who have that balanced approach and who are attentive and mindful and loving, most of the time, it's more of that dismissive parenting style, right? It's that style of you know, what, it doesn't matter, overlook or being very authoritative. Okay, so we can't rely on only on what our parents did. If you had a good
example, then that's, that's a blessing, you know, I feel privileged that my mom and have the lead did a lot of reading and psychology. So that helps you know, when you have an insight on the human mind, and the human emotions, then you know how to resolve issues. But if you don't, then you can do all the wrong things. Okay. So dealing with the anger, first thing, as you were asking, is that you have to do a lot of the deep breathing to calm yourself down, okay? And then you have to say a lot of calming things to yourself, you have to be like, because if you're saying, Oh my god, I'm so furious, I'm going to let them eat, and that self talk is going to do what it's going to get you all
worked up. So saying common things that everything's gonna be fine. I'm in control, I'm cool. I'm calm, right? And then doing. And even before all of that, even before the before the breathing, it's really important to say I was a bit lame, and I shaytaan the regime, right? Because the shaytaan will come and instigate, he wants us to get angry. Why what what is his objective was
to break relationships, right? So you're sitting there, and you're just, you know, you're spending time with your, your, let's say, your husband, and everything's cool. And then son is like, Oh, I can't believe he did that again, you know, and it's just like, you know, these little the whispering or the badgering is like, Oh, look, he did that, again, he did that, again, to get you all worked up in order to, like, maybe start a fight or to have broken relationship with your kids the same thing, because if you get angry, and you react and overreact enough times, then he's gonna be like, you know, what? The heck with this, the heck with your, what you've taught me. And that, that can be
just disastrous for the whole family. Right? So start off by saying, Allah protect me from from the shade time, right? And then also, after you're saying the common thing is I'm going to stay calm, I'm going to be relaxed. Then you also say, of course, you know, sometimes, we, when my kids were smaller now Alhamdulillah we don't have these issues as much. But you know, having two boys sometimes they would wrestle I'm like, Is that okay?
My husband said this is because we were just two girls. So we sat and we combed each other's hair, we played with the dolls and I would see boys wrestling, I would get very nervous. But he said, you know, as long as everything. Everything is in order, no problem, but sometimes I would hear him and they're upstairs and i and i know i have to like just go and see what's going on. So I started off with alphabet, Lima shaitana regime and I'm doing my deep breathing. And I say my F chord, and I'm going up the stairs to her last stop for less. By the time I get to them, I'm at a totally different state of mind. Okay? rather than you know, because your your height, the height of anger could be
here. And then how you're going to react is going to be very different from bringing it all the way down, being rational, being calm and cool, right? So we want to always get to that calm place before we react.
Okay, I see the situation they say out
The bill I'm gonna show you maybe after the reaction
Okay, that's after Okay, so at least you're catching yourself okay, we are you know at we are there different levels of the knifes right at first maybe someone does something and they don't even you know they don't even care then there's laughs Lavoie, Moray, you're just like, oh, like, I shouldn't do this, this is wrong, but I'm going to do it anyway. So but we want to get to that level of love so much, man, right? We want to get to the level where we know we're in control of our emotions, not that our emotions are in control of us, right? And so you start doing now that way, because, like, let's say, if the enemy comes to you and tells you, okay, you need to come right here and like, are
you going to listen to, to the advice? Absolutely not. So in the same way, you want to do the exact opposite of what, what that instigation is right? And, and it's kind of like having a remote control. And like the shaytaan has your remote control and basically pressing the buttons. And we are it just becomes like robots by and we never want to be that way. Right? We want to make decisions based on what is correct. Following the example of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam, and you know, he the way he dealt with his children, the way he dealt with people who were really cruel to him, there was such compassion. There is such forgiveness, there was such hikma
You know, that's a big one maturity wisdom, I think we have, we have lost a lot of that, we have lost that in the attempt of we have to establish the fullness, right. And we establish the sun not but we everyone hates us.
The parents are hated. Maybe the school is a you know, and that's not the way to do it, right? So we have to establish the Sunda but in in the manner of the Prophet salatu salam in a loving, peaceful, compassionate way so that we keep those relationships strong.
When it comes to me, I'm already doing everything.
It's very easy to see other people's problems to see, you know, we point our fingers are normally the husband, it's very easy to see the husband's problems.
Okay, that India, we're having some cultural discussion.
We won't say what culture but they're saying that some man may think that they're perfect, but you know what? I have to say some women think that too. Okay, because I do I do therapy with men and women. And I can say that there's just as many oppressive wives as their oppressive husbands, I can really say that. Yes, yes. And I know that it's just not spoken about, right. So we're, we're all in the wrong at one point or another. And, but each person has their own individual cases, which I understand and respect. But you know, it's very easy to put the blame on someone else. So we have to really look within and try to control our reaction. Okay.
Ah, okay. So you're saying like,
okay, so the sister is saying, when the kids do something good. The husband is taking credit. This is my hard effort. It was something that is like, look what your kids are doing. Right?
Yeah, you know, I think it's, it's very common for us to not want to take responsibility for any kind of mistake, right? We want to, we want to attribute the negative things to someone else, it's, but it takes a lot of maturity to own up and feel like, you know what, maybe I contributed to this, maybe it's my behavior that has made my child have tantrums all day long, or, or to speak back at me, maybe, maybe they have seen me do that to my husband. So they've learned that, you know, maybe the fact that I'm not I'm not compassionate with them or establishing a friendship, this is causing them to break away, right. So I think in this class, we don't want to talk about anyone else, right?
We don't want to point the finger at the husband's or at, you know, other people, we're here to fix ourselves. Sometimes I have a therapy session, and the person is like, the whole time is like, Well, you know, what if you could just fix my husband
or just fix my crazy wife and they will be all better, right? But it's all about like, you know, unlike they're not here, I can't do anything for them, right?
We have to fix ourselves, right? We have to fix ourselves because if we're sitting here and going
He's the problem. She's the problem, then, then we're stuck. We're not going to move ahead.
Okay, so you're saying that what you're noticing is that the some mothers are working towards becoming a better parent, because they probably have more time, right? The husband is maybe out working maybe eight to 10 hours, right. And
so the mother is working on increasing that knowledge. But although I see a lot of like fathers actually coming into therapy actually wanting to improve themselves as well, I think we're making, we're making progress in this department, slowly.
It's like that sloths
are making progress, though.
Okay. So when you encourage them to learn, they're saying, I already know everything. You know, it's, it's true. Sometimes people have that mentality, right. But the best that you can do is, you know, you set that example, right. And I think what happens with a lot of people, if you start having a positive impact on the kids, let's say you're effective, they listen to you, they love you, they're happy with you, then he might be like, wow, maybe maybe she knows what she's talking about. And then he would follow what you're saying. But if your child is out of control, if they're yelling and screaming all the time, when you don't have good rapport with them, and you try to tell them
what to do. It's not gonna work, right? So work on yourself on building that relationship. And once you do that, then the man is very likely to be more receptive, because I think a lot of times, men,
if they see that something works, okay, I had a, I had a situation with a client. They were in the Gulf, Gulf countries. I'm not mentioning any, any more countries, but but it was a gulf country. And they were very, very traditional. Okay. And when when his wife suggested, let's do therapies, like, what's the psycho jumbo mumble, whatever, this is all like this baloney, nothing works. This is. So she came, she came into therapy, she worked on herself, she made so many changes in herself. And after some time, he's like, you know what, I'm going to try it. Then he came in, because he he saw results, right? So we if you work on yourself and your relationship with your kids, then maybe your
husband will take it more seriously. So I want to take some questions. Can someone get on my Facebook page, and then you can read off any of the questions, please? Because it's hard for me to go up and down here.
If there any questions, so today's gonna be a question and sir, okay. My daughter is way too stubborn and high on temper. Please help. When she gets angry. She won't listen to anything. Okay. What How old? How old is your daughter? Okay. Now how many people have a stubborn daughter?
The whole room raises their hand. Okay? This is this is very common, okay. Now, you can either call it being stubborn, or we can use a euphemism and call it strong willed, right? If someone is strong, well, those people I want you to think for a minute, those individuals who are successful in business and who are let's say, Olympic champions, or they are get the highest level of education, what do they need?
They need willpower, right? So it doesn't have to be a negative thing. I think a lot of times we just label it as stubborn, or nasty, stubborn kid, right? If you channel that into like something positive where you feel like okay, this is a strong willed child. Like I know my daughter is a strong willed child. And I remember but it can be a very positive thing. She was sucking her thumb from my from in the womb, because when she came out there was a red mark. Okay. She loved the shot to have satin, you know, and she could distinguish fakes that and by the way, I give her some she's like, this is fake. Okay, so she had to have the satin and sucked on her thumb. So I started getting
worried about getting buck teeth. And you know, this is a habit we want to stop. But you know what, at two she she herself we said this is going to affect the How pretty your fingers and your teeth. She said, you know what this the last time I'm going to do it the next day she threw away the ribbon and stopped. You know, that's that's the benefit of a strong willed child. They decide and they stick with it. You know, I know of some parents who struggled with the thumb sucking all the way to some some people told me told Middle School, believe it or not.
Like when they're when they're going to sleep, they still do that. Okay, so having a strong willed child, as long as I mean, it's hard on the parent. Okay? It is much easier when you have an obedient child who says, Sure, mommy.
On my eyes, you love that, right? It's easy, but we have to be challenged when you have a stubborn child or a strong willed child, we need to channel it, okay? So the best thing is not to go head to head, if it becomes a power struggle, you're not going to get ahead with this, these kinds of kids, because they will, they will, they want to do whatever it takes to win. So it's, it's about giving them space. It's about giving, you know, finding an ulterior way because using the power and using like authoritative manner and punishment and doing all that they are going to rebell even more. Yeah, so you have to find a way to make them
cooperate. Like with my with my daughter, I find using humor is much better than being authoritative. So if I, I find a fun funny way, get her to get her to smile, get her to laugh, she will listen so much better than me sitting there and telling her you're gonna lose this bro. And you know, Now obviously, there has to be some consequences for behavior. Right? So if you're not listening, but without the drama, I think a lot of us in the room and around the world mamas our mamas are drama Mama.
So we need to stop being the drama, you know, drama mamas. And we need to set an example, if we're calm or cool. Or like, okay, you tell them for instance, you have to eat your meal to have a dessert. Something as simple as that. No, I didn't want to eat my dessert for Okay, sorry, you're not you're not eating it. No dessert. No lecture, no drama, no yelling, screaming hitting all of that. Okay, you just simply it's a cause and effect. If you start doing that, then you're modeling the correct behavior. Unfortunately, what a lot of times we get sucked into this drama. Okay, those kind of kids, they thrive. They thrive on drama. Ooh, Let me press Mama's buttons. Oh, let me watch
They sit back and they're just like, they just find that they find it hilarious. Right? Inside, they get some kind of satisfaction by creating this, you know, uproar. If you don't create the uproar. What do you say, let's say to a child who's being bullied or picked on or tease not bullied, but teased? What do you tell them? Let's say an older child is teasing the younger child. What do you tell the younger child?
Don't react, right? Because if they're like, ah, your hair is you know, I don't know, whatever.
You whatever it is, they're saying, Oh, look at you, you look so funny. And you know, you're a baby. And okay, so when they're like, Oh, I can't believe I'm not a baby, right? And then there's a Yeah, you're a baby, not a baby. And then they're starting to act like a baby, right? And that's not effective. But if you say are babies, like, you just either ignore, or you laugh, you get out, you know, then it takes the power away. Right? So that's what we need to do. We need to get to a point where we don't fuel it. Okay, is there a question?
He's fine. He doesn't share. Okay, so sharing is a problem. And he's five. Okay, all right. Sharing is a very important skill to learn. And a lot of times when you have like an only child, and they just like everything is there that can be problematic once they go to school, and once they go into the real world. So I think it's really critical. And I remember when we got our second child, we decided that we'll have two boys share a room. And even though like, there was enough space to do separate bedrooms, but we said, you know, what, let them be in the same room. So that day, they learn cooperation, they learned it's not just mine, mine mine, it's ours, right? So you have to kind
of instill that and encourage it, you know, encourage it if they don't share. It's basically like either, you know, either you share or I'm gonna have to take this away, you know, this has to be done repeatedly. But with kindness not out of spite and Oh, you're such a bad kid and you don't you know, you don't share. You don't want to be little them. Okay? All you know, it's very natural for each child to want to have like this feeling of Okay, this is
This is mine, right? Where we are all like a bit possessive, right? But we have to realize, okay, yes, it may be mine. But there's benefit of sharing, right? So talking about
and getting them to empathize. Like let's say you go to someone's house. And if they're if they all say like a mind, mind, mind, you can touch anything. Imagine how you feel, right? So it's about like teaching empathy, giving opportunities to share and you can start small, saying, you know, why don't you share for like, let's say, five minutes, don't expect them to give up everything, you know, and start with things that are not very valuable to them, you know, with small things. Not very valuable for a short period of time and then you gradually built
Okay, so we're talking about when to when to teach about sharing, how old were the kids?
They were five years old. Okay. What did you do?
Okay, so your daughter gets goodies from school then brings it back. Okay.
brings it back to her little sister.
Okay, so encourage the older more mature one to give so they feel like okay, what it feels like when the sharing is done.
Oh, very nice. I see your point okay. So what the sister is saying is like it's much easier to teach the person about sharing the one who is getting the benefits so for instance her daughter going to school getting met with let's say candy or toys saying okay, share it with your younger sister so she sees Wow, this is great. But then would she be at you know did did you find with your daughter was she open to sharing the little one? She became more
my son My good, right? Because they see the benefit rather than saying oh, I'm going to you know give this up. I'm going to see the benefit of martial law that's beautiful. That's
She's missing these toddler years. Now there's many moms there are many moms who are missing this age. Yeah, they get
they as they get older.
Mashallah, but let me tell you this, this this all goes back to the attitude right when you but when you had that attitude like I love you, you're so beautiful. You're so wonderful all other 10 then when they become teenager like
that, who you need to change your attitude towards that. I couldn't wait like I love that stage when they were young because it was it was a joy Mashallah Tabata Cola, but I looked forward to the stage of them being like teenagers because then you can actually build that friendship that
you're in the parenting class. Okay, good. We're glad you're here. Okay, first and foremost, change your attitude towards the teenagers not like you know, that same love and excitement you had. transference.
Oh, yeah, you don't want to, you definitely don't want to compare them to their younger days because they feel like I'm a man. I'm growing up and you say, Oh, you were so much better when you were five.
He's gonna feel so he's gonna, he's gonna feel very defeated. So you have to acknowledge the fact that he is you know, he's older. I love it that you're responsible. I love you to just catch him doing good. And continue giving that love because a lot of people when they are when they have teenagers, yes, they withdraw Yes, they go into their rooms they're kind of with their friends. But you know what, that should not stop you from giving the affection continues to go and get the effects and they may act all cool and like I don't need this but they they like it. They like it. And I just you know I have a 17 year old Michelle. I have 17 year old 14 year old and an 11 month
law tagada law and I continuously I still shower them with the hugs and the kisses and and
You know, you know, sit by me cuddle you all of that. Because if you continue that, then they they are receiving the, the the attention that they crave. I'll tell you a story. I had a client come in, and they're very devastated because they're, you know, their teenage son. They had caught him smoking pot. Okay. And it was it was devastating because they're religious, and they're, you know, they just did not expect that at all. And, you know, initially the son came across as like, you know, with the sky was like, kind of cool. And I don't care and aloof, right at the beginning of the session, I felt initially that way, right. But then as we started exploring, I started talking about
the relationship between your mom and dad and relationship, how would you do together? How do you spend time, and it just became like, he got very emotional, he started crying, you know, like, like a four year old saying, my parents don't spend time with me. And that not having that time with his parents made him feel so like, inadequate and didn't feel accepted. So he searched for acceptance. From his site, there was a group, I didn't even like them. They weren't even my friends, but they offer it and I want it to be accepted. This is, and I always say this in my parenting class, you guys, make your child feel accepted. If you're always on their case about Haram, Haram, haram all
you don't do this, you're bad, you're this, you're that I wish you were five, you know, if we do this to them, they're going to be like, ah, let me get out of here. I need you know, and some people have that mentality. Some people get married, just for the sake of escaping their home environment. Some people can't wait to graduate us, I want to be as far away from my parents as possible. Then there are others. If you create the right environment, if you create the love and the you know, you give them space, they want to be with you. You know, you're like, Okay, you can go if you want, but they want to stay because you've created that rapport. Now, with with
one of the things I had them to spend time together the Father and the Son, the mother and the son spending time. And he's like, you know what, now, I feel like I have their love. Now I can, he doesn't even interact with those guys who had those bad habits. He doesn't spend time with them to buy because he's like, you know what, I think before I was kind of desperate, I just was desperate for someone to accept me, because he wasn't getting that. And now that he gets to acceptance from home, he's confident and someone offers them in some way they did they, you know, like said, hey, let's go out. Let's do that. Again. He's like, I don't want to write. So in teenage years, if you
have that attitude, like, I don't want to deal with this, that's, you know, those are the things we're going to face unfortunately. And that's the reality. So we got to just make sure that we're giving that love the attention the time all of that
so that they don't they don't go astray. Are there more questions from my
Mashallah boy or girl 15 year old boy Okay, Mashallah.
Pray that he's a little bit too confirmative.
Whenever somebody tells you, he will listen, okay.
Okay. Okay, so I don't know if you guys heard the question or not a saying that. She has a wonderful young boy, Michelle love 13. But she's just afraid that he's, he conforms easily. And I think this combines with a question that someone put in here about teaching confidence and all that. So it really, it really has to do with making them feel good about like their decision making. Right? And, and it has to do with the fact that we don't be little right because a lot of times, a child will come up with an idea and you know, that's a stupid idea. No, what are you thinking? Right? So the child will just feel like oh, my God, I don't, I don't know how to think I'm, I'm not smart. I don't
have skills. And when they start doubting themselves, self doubt, is what leads to a lot of these problems, right? But if a person deep down inside feels confident, okay, like that was one of the most important things for me and instilling in my kids is that yahama Kamala is instill that sense of confidence like you do, and you do what's right and you believe in it. And as a matter what anybody else says, and I had I taught this to my son
Very early on, because it took me until like I was, you know, 22 to realize that, because we were raised with the people all, you know, dress nicely for the people get good grades for the people have good o'clock for the people, people, people, people, you know, and so you're just kind of brainwash to just think about that, right. And it was around 22. And I just started becoming much more like, let's say, practicing attending classes and all that, and I realized, you know, but this is the heck with living for the people, you have to live according to your beliefs. So I very early on wanted to instill that in my kids, like, they were like four or five. And I'm just like, you
know, you got to do what you believe in and, and not worry about what other people say. And so we had a funny incident where my son got a crew cut. Okay, so it was a very different, and it was very much like his uncle's hair. And I said, Oh, what did? What did your Uncle Sam about your hair size? Like, I don't care what anyone says about my hairstyle. I like it. And that's
what I said, Wow, okay, good. I'm glad you got that at five. It took me till 22 to get this. But see, we have to instill in them that feeling of You know what, when you enter, and you have to be very careful with how you present that. Because if you say Do whatever you want, and it doesn't matter what people say, then they're going to be you know, they could go take that wild route. And then we do care as far as the idea, as long as you're doing the right thing, right, the morally correct thing, then whether people
agree with it or not, let's say you decide to wear the hijab. And I mean, like when I decided to wear it, not no one supported it, no one supported me wearing the hijab, but I knew was the right thing. And so I stuck with it, and I didn't want my you know, it didn't matter if I had the approval of my family, it didn't matter if I didn't have the approval of my friends, society, whatever.
That's when you feel like you have to be strong, and do what you know, is right, but not this idea of well, doesn't matter what people say, and I'm going to go and post all sorts of pictures, I'm going to do all sorts of things, right? So do you have to distinguish between them? So give them that on a daily basis. Empower him by making choices? If if he's able to choose? Then he feels like oh, you know, I made the right decision. I'm strong, I'm confident and and instilling confidence, you have to constantly make them feel that not this fake confidence, okay? Don't be like, Oh, you're the most wonderful person in the whole world, you know, and then they're gonna feel so grandiose and
then it's going to hit them that they're really they're not okay, or they're gonna go around and impose that on others. But it's about finding what they're good at recognizing their skills, recognizing.
Whatever, whatever, they're doing good. Okay, because I'm sure they're good things that your kids are doing that teenager that
I'm sure he's doing science does he do well in school?
lots of drama with your girls.
Yeah, girls had to have a tendency to be more dramatic but just catch them doing the right thing. I think that is so important. Is that when
handleless Okay, you know, when they when they're good in that, just recognize it you know, I like how responsible you are I like how you do your homework and Mashallah, you're getting such good grades. Oh, you're neat. You are You know, so thoughtful, you're so compassionate, whatever it is, recognize it and furnish it because it's kind of like a seat. And you have to keep you have to water it you know, you can think okay, I 10 hollows you know, no more watering needed.
Right. So the sister is saying this sister is saying she wished she came to these kind of parenting classes when the kids were younger. So those of you who have younger kids take advantage apply these skills because it really does make a difference to earlier you know the earlier you apply it the better results but it's never too late either. Never too late.
It's good. We always have to be changing for the better. Okay, never feel like Oh, I know it all I remember someone got pregnant and I you know, I suggested to them I'm like would you like some would you like
Some books, check. No, I already know it all. Okay, good luck. You know, for someone to be that arrogant to say, I don't need any suggestion, I don't want any, I don't need to read any book. It's kind of sad. It's sad to be in a situation where you feel like, I already know it all that's destructive, right? We always have to feel like I remember even a friend of mine
said, I just read this book. And it was a complete opposite perspective of the approach that I like to take. But I said, You know what, why not? Why not read it? Maybe there's something in there that can that could influence me. So
you're saying that you can read a book for a second or third time and then you have a different? You know, why? Because you're constantly evolving. As you change, you will view things very differently. So it is important. Any other questions that you see?
This mother was
three years old daughter, she had terrible depression and she yelled at the child.
Okay, okay, so mother had depression, to get out on the child, and now she wants to. So this brings up a very important point that
moms need to be in the right emotional state. Okay. That's why I always emphasize as a mom, if you're depressed, if you're anxious, if you're suicidal, if you're have all these issues, you're not going to be an effective mom. I mean, you laugh, but it's, I deal with it on a daily basis, practicing Muslims who are like who are suicidal. And when they're completely hopeless, if they're so angry, if they're so sad, then that's going to affect their you know, they're going to it's an energy, right, you give off if you give off all this negative energy, the kids pick it up, just like when you are full of life and happiness and optimism. The kids pick up on that, right? So first and
foremost, moms, if you're suffering out there, wherever you are, someone said they're in South Africa, greetings from South Africa. If you're there, South Africa, wherever you are, get the help that you need, right? Don't ignore it, you can be fixed.
You can say bye bye to the depression. I'm serious. I mean, people come in, they're very depressed within, you know, three, four sessions there feel so much better. So why suffer? Okay, so first and foremost, tend to yourself. The second thing is,
if you find that you're struggling, if you're struggling, like emotionally, trying to get the support of other people, like let's say, if you have a sister, if you have a friend, if you have someone who is upbeat, who can kind of provide that role model and that kind of support, that will be great. As far as mending the relationship. I feel like it's never too late to to build the relationship with your kids. I don't know how old the child is now. But she's three now. Oh, it's very, you can definitely there's so malleable. Right. And kids are so forgiving. They forgot. Yeah, generally generally.
Depends on it depends what they endured, you know, because a lot of times people think, oh, kids don't forget and they go through unfortunately, a lot of trauma. Okay. But they do forget the the daily yelling, the screaming these kind of things, especially at this point, you can make a decision and a commitment to do things right. Say From now on, I'm going to have a very close relationship, even apologized, you know, anytime my mom like apologized to me, I felt like I was so empowered. Like, wow, like, she's just like, my, you know, I overreacted. I'm really sorry. And it you know, and you're modeling the correct behavior. Because if you're too, you know, proud to say you were
wrong, what are you teaching them? Right? So we got to do all those things that we want them and just make sure From now on, you can have a good close relationship, anything else?
parenting books, parenting books, something I really liked when I was parenting for the kids is a positive parenting. It's a really, it's really good. It gives you a lot of a lot of guidelines in in teaching the kids because a lot of times we look at discipline, as
you know, the parents become very vengeful, it's revenge time and it becomes punitive. But it's really about teaching, right? So you have to learn how to teach your kids. It's not just about them suffering or had, you know, it's not about being a mean mom where you just take it out on them. It's about
Okay, did you learn the lesson is all about learning? Because so if that's not happening, then then the disciplinary action is not effective.
Yes. Oh, someone mentioned that after listening to you, I admit I am a loser mom.
Don't feel disheartened. I'm gonna get emotional not don't don't get disheartened, you know, I'm sure you you are doing the best that you have been given, right. So whether maybe that has to do with, you know, the way,
the way the parenting style of you know, the parenting style that you experience, it could be the fact that maybe you're going through your own challenges. I know a lot of moms who, either they're single moms, or they're, you know, there's domestic violence in the home, maybe there's so many issues. And so I'm sure that from now on, you can make a commitment to to changing things around, right. It's never too late, doesn't matter. I mean, I had one, one incident where a lady she just she realized, she goes, Oh my god, I didn't instill any religion into my kids and her kids were like, they were in their 30s. And she just felt like she started coming to religious classes very
later on in life. And she started becoming active. And she said, Oh, my God, Odin instill anything. So there was that feeling of feeling like a you know, loser mom, and not situ. But you know what, she turned it around, she goes, I'm going to be there for my grandkids. And she decided to really invest the time, the energy during the core on being a good example, doing all of that. So don't ever, don't ever feel disheartened. And this, these classes are not there to make you feel bad, right? It's about learning and changing. Right?
Right. So the sister saying, you know, it doesn't have if even, like, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, to make the change. So when you're feeling like oh my god, there's so many things I need to change about my parenting, I gotta like, x out everything I'm doing, get excited, because maybe this is an opportunity to make the changes that you need. Be the kind of parent that you know, and, and it's never too late, you know, as long as you're breathing, as long as you, you know, you have your kids out, you can make those changes anything else.
Okay, with getting your kids to listen, it's really about following up a lot of times, I mean, I know I can get into the habit of doing that you're downstairs, they're upstairs, you're like, do this, you say it, you remind them, and then they can easily overlook it. But what I find is like when you are there, okay, and you put on your jacket, right? You're just right there and you follow up and you see it through, that's much more effective than just calling out his kids, their attention span is so short, right? And they can easily be distracted. So it's not that they're trying to be defiant. And they're trying to, you know, push your buttons or just forget by, so just
be there and say I need you to put on your jacket. And then you wait. Okay, good job. Now go in the car. So you, you have to have a little bit of follow through. It's not it's, you know, takes a lot more effort. But at least you're saying they're following through. And you make sure that that happens. Because the other way around of just, you know, you know, shouting out commands. You know, go clean your room, clean the kitchen, get your homework done, and you're just throwing it out there without the proper follow through. I mean, we all do this from time to time, then you're not going to see the results, but I know the most.
Right, right. So you have to just kind of like expected and be there because what if you're there right by them, and you tell them Okay, that's enough time on the computer or enough time on the PlayStation, and you're right there. They're going to feel more inclined to turn it off than if you're down in the kitchen telling them to, you know, five more minutes long 10 more minutes to a more game.
Right. Okay, what are the steps one should take to form a strong bond with children's when they once they start entering their adolescence? Oh, we talked about that a little bit, right. It's just about keeping the open relationship.
Communication, talk to them, give them space, make them feel trusted.
One of the things with that client I was telling you about that, you know, went into drugs.
When when they met together, I said, you know, they have to ask for apology from both sides. And it was about, okay, now we need to rebuild the trust, right? We need to rebuild the trust. And what what he said is that, you know, now they no longer treat me like I am. I'm a problem kid. Right? And because they don't treat me like a problem, kid, I don't act like a problem, kid. Now he's dedicated to studies, he's doing all that. So we really like they, they want to live up to our expectation. So if we see them as this bad kid who always acts out, that's what they're going to do. I mean, even in the schools, the mentality of the school, if they have this image of, let's say, boys, being
troublemakers, or girls being drama, Queen, whatever it is, if we have that expectation, then they fall. Now, something my son reported, he's a senior now at school, and he's like, you know it this year. They're all like, they're really treating us like adults. You know, it's like, the principal's like, acting like a buddy with us. And there's, you know, and and it's like, it's nice when you make them feel like I respect you, I trust you. They want to live up to that. But if you're always like, Oh, you're so irresponsible. Oh, you don't know what you're doing? Oh, why don't you know if you're always on their case? They have, they have nothing to lose. When when they have your love, they will
want to cherish it. If you're constantly a source of nagging, yelling, screaming and punishing, they have nothing to lose. You know what? I'll do whatever I want, because I'm already in the doghouse, right. So
without without being aggressive, okay, how to teach kids to stand up for themselves without being aggressive. I had like actually a whole class on this.
Right after the incident that that happened. There was like a lot of like the bullying and after the election, so it was a whole I think I have it on line. Right. Did I have that it's up. So
when it's the q&a, yes. And then the other ones when their lessons I will provide it in at a later time inshallah, okay, I think I went ahead and did a, you know, I did it for a longer period of time, because I started later. So inshallah, the the best thing I'll just a short answer for that is that they need to, they do need to stand up for themselves because bullies pick on people who are weak, okay. And as soon as they get the strength to, you know, to stand up, then then the bullying will stop. And this is at any age because you have bullies in all age groups.
It doesn't, doesn't end in middle school or high school. So, but I think if you watch that, it will happen.
Yeah, the bullying is very high. May Allah protect our children, we have to, you know, get them to be very, very strong at this stance where I think we're all being tested on how firm we are in our faith, and they need support and love more than ever. So if they're being bullied at school, and then they come home and they're always being nagged that, then they're really their personalities are gonna fall apart. So the whole needs to be a source of that love and comfort and they have to feel peace. Okay, so that's what we're gonna work on inshallah. All right, I'll see you next week, next Tuesday. 1030 inshallah, thank you for Thank you for tuning in.