A Cancer in Your Marriage – Relationship and Marriage Advice

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Haleh Banani

Channel: Haleh Banani

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Episode Transcript

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So some people, what ends up happening is that they do certain behaviors within their relationship, and they don't even realize that it is a cancer. And this is when you connect with the opposite gender, it could be at work at school, it could be with friends. And you may feel that there's nothing to it, you think it's so innocent? What is wrong there, my friends, I'm just sharing this is a co worker. And what ends up happening is that you connect this emotional connection with this other person with this in the opposite gender. And you may think to yourself, so the shaytaan will come and say, You know what, this person, this is only online, you're not even seeing them. What's

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the harm, it's just a coworker, it's my secretary, it is my husband's best friend, it's my wife's best friend, whoever it is, you may make it justify that this is needed. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing to worry about. But what I have seen in doing counseling with 1000s of people 1000s of Muslims from across the globe, hundreds of them have gotten caught in what is called emotional infidelity. emotional infidelity is when you form a connection with the opposite gender other than your spouse. So what does that do? The harm in that is that when you're connecting with this other person, when you're sharing your hopes, your dreams, maybe your complaints, maybe things

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about your day, you are getting that aspect, that emotional satisfaction from someone other than your spouse. And when this connection grows stronger and stronger, your connection with your spouse actually decreases. You may not even realize it at first, it may be very innocent. At first, you're like, oh, but I'm teaching the sister about a slump shorts in my office, I'm just teaching her about as I was my secretary, oh, it is my classmate. It's no big deal. We're just grabbing some coffee we're just studying. And what ends up happening is that this connection starts for me, and you start looking forward to your time with this with this other individual, and you don't realize that it is

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a cancer in your relationship. And before you know it,

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you'll have your guards know that even if you're not meeting this person, when you are not in the same place. Like it could be something online and stuff. And that that's why it's so easy to think that it's harmless. However, when you have this connection with another person, and you would ends up happening is that you get drawn away from your own spouse. And then what also happens is when your spouse finds out about this, it's very hurtful, because you start feeling like you know this, he never has time for me. He's not talking to me, but he's connecting with this other person or why she always on the phone. So this creates distrust. It really creates distrust when you feel like

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you're connecting with this other person. And I I remember when I started seeing so many of our Muslim couples, so many people who are practicing these are not the ones who have, let's say, you know, they're they have nothing to do with Islam. These are like the practicing couples. When I saw that there were so many cases of infidelity, cheating going on. I started doing research on him and I was like, you know, let me find out what is exactly going on. And I remember coming across research done by a psychologist who was a non Muslim psychologist. And it was very interesting because the article is like how to avoid infidelity. Suddenly, it was years ago as almost 10 years

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ago, I said How to Avoid infidelity in this list. As I read it, I just smiled and I was like, subhanAllah me everything I was reading, it was like the rules and guidelines in Islam. One, there is a non Muslim male psychologist saying that do not become friends with the opposite gender. Now how we know that within this time that having not having that friendship, and it may be hard for some people to understand this. Like why not? Why not have friends because what ends up happening is that you create this closeness you put down your guards, and then after that what happens? Many people will tell me they're like, oh my god, I did. I never thought I would cheat on my spouse. I

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never, I this is not my character, but it's just a domino effect. Right? So you start spending time with them. And then next thing you know, it's a slippery slope. So it was also about like not being alone with the person not giving compliments. How many times does that happen when you know you may you may have had a fight with your spouse, you're not connecting with them. You're not spending time and then you go to the office and someone is giving you these nice compliments. They're smiling. They're asking about your day. They're giving you a

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all this attention, and it does feel good to get that attention to get that validation to get the compliment, we have to safeguard ourselves. So we're saying not to give combat not to go out with them not to have lunch with them not to discuss your problems. What happens when you start discussing your problem, when you start saying, I'm so frustrated from my wife, she's always nagging on me, my husband is just such a pain, when you see that you are inviting another person to attack your home, they are seeing that, okay, this is not a happy home, I can penetrate into this home. And this is dangerous. And many people have the started off like this, they started complaining about

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their spouse, which gave the other person basically a green light saying that you know what, I'm not in a happy place, I'm vulnerable. And some people prey on that they prey on that vulnerability. So be careful who you share your problems with, it's better to talk to a professional, not the opposite gender, don't connect with someone and start complaining about your spouse, don't start giving compliments take that energy because we have a limited amount of energy. And if you're spending in with with these people, Well, whoever they happen to be whether you're giving them advice, whether you're sharing about your day, when you're doing that you are using up your energy with these other

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people, why don't you use that energy with your spouse, gift, that compliment that you would give to a co worker, try it out on your spouse, give that smile that you give to your secretary, try it out on your spouse. And when you start doing that you will see a reaction, it may not happen the first time it may not happen the second time. But if you continuously get those, whether you look your best, or what happens when you're at work, when you're at school, wherever you are, and you're looking your best, you're smiling, you're pleasant, of course, you're gonna get a positive reaction. Now what if you do those same things with your spouse. So really, we need to safeguard our

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relationship, we need to safeguard our marriage from infidelity. And you have to start recognizing that this kind of emotional connection with another person, whether it's texting, whether it's calling, whether it's meeting up, this is a cancer for your marriage. And if you don't stop it, it will, it can grow. And it can spin out of control. So spiral out of control. I've seen it happen 1000s of times, so please be careful. Watch and get the attention that your spouse may need. I think there's so many people who are lonely in their marriages, they wake up, they're all alone, their spouse is asleep, or they live separate lives. They never connect, they don't go out. They don't

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smile at each other, they don't do anything fun. And this can be a very lonely place. And so people are so needy, so needy, for validation, so needy for appreciation, why don't you try giving your spouse that validation, try to give that compliment whatever it is to connect with your spouse. So use up your energy as a way to connect with your spouse, really guard yourself if you find that you are connecting with another person, whether it's online, or at work or wherever it is really know that Allah is watching. And I always saw this as a test. Because when you look at it as a test, and Allah is watching you, and you could easily let's say chat and joke and flirt with another person,

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but you guard yourself and you know you are rewarded for every little thing. So every time you lower your gaze, every time you avoid,

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you avoid joking you don't respond back someone texts just because someone texts you doesn't mean you have to text them back. Just because someone is you know, complimenting you doesn't mean you compliment them back. It is really a dangerous route to go on. I know it may feel like it's harmless. I never see this person is only online. But even those incidents, we have to guard ourselves and guard our marriage and guard our heart. Because once you expose yourself to these kinds of experiences, and especially if you're lonely in your marriage, especially if you feel like there's you're not getting that kind of validation, and you expose yourself to another person and

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they start giving it then it's really dangerous. So please guard yourself. Make sure you give the love the attention, the validation the appreciation to your spouse and if you are right now currently in this kind of relationship with someone, anyone. I really challenge you to end that I really challenge you to be aware and to have Taqwa

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Law and stop it even if you haven't gotten caught even if you feel like you're getting away with it, a lot of men will tell me why I thought I could get away with it. I thought I could have this thing on the side. But somehow a law has a way of exposing people and once you lose that trust with your spouse if you haven't been exposed yet, and that yourself and then now and then for the sake of Allah, you know that phone call you look forward to that chat, the whatever the meetup you're doing, you know, ended and then and just do it yourself without being caught. And I will tell you that Allah will reward you and will put better count in your marriage and whatever energy that you have,

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try your best to use it on your spouse and if you need extra support, I have some free videos on hospitality.com under courses, I'll be happy to help you there's the free PDF, seven gems to save your marriage. It's never too late. It's never too late to put a little bit of time energy love. Just pour on the love pour on those compliments, pour on the validation and see what happens in your marriage inshallah pray that Allah blesses all of us with a beautiful relationship one that is filled with comfort with peace, and I hope that we can all try to bring out the best in each other just like a lot of hate on for tuning in salaam aleikum. And if you need more resources, however, I

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did.com under courses, you can find a lot of free resources so that's why they call